I do not want to girl boss.

It finally happened. I stopped caring about overachieving in my career.

What a turn of events.

Nothing in particular happened. I wasn’t fired. I haven’t quit. Nobody fucked me over. I’m just tired.

I’ve spent my entire life overachieving. At everything. An entire life of feeling like I’m not good enough, doing enough or achieving enough.

And now, I don’t want to do any of that.

I want to move to a beach in Portugal, open a cafe and bookstore with my gorgeous fiance and just live.

Realistically since I am not independently wealthy nor a trust fund baby, I’m going to need to work. I’m also still a little driven by that little voice in the back of my head that says “but be better.”

So here are my new career goals: be paid fairly, be respected, be challenged.

I don’t care what my title is. I don’t care to level up from whatever title you give me. I simply want to be compensated for what I bring to the table (which is a lot), I want to be treated with empathy and respect and I want to do work that doesn’t bore me.

I’m kind of a dream employee. I’ve reached the level of type A where I’m still going to give you really excellent work but I’m not going to require any oversight and I won’t bring any drama. I’m simply going to deliver and shut the fuck up. On repeat.

I’m so proud of the women out there becoming CEO’s and taking over the world, we need you (seriously have you seen who is in charge, we need you desperately) — but I mostly want to just take over this spot on the beach, or in a tiny cafe with a beverage and a book.

I want the rest of my career to be “she was really really good at what she did, but more importantly, she was chill as hell and a kind person to work with.” I want you to know that I’m a top performer, but that I’m also performing well at my passion — leaving the country and seeing the world. At meeting everyone I possibly can and learning about their cultures.

I do not want to boss babe. I want to leave work at work and create a life of adventure and softness and community and learning and doing anything but being bothered by my next promotion or what BS is happening with Capitalism today.

So that’s what I’ll be overachieving at. Making that dream happen.

Nashville

In April I lost the love of my life, Nashville. For almost 10 years, through the most pivotal time in my life, he was my ride or die.

And if you’re not a dog person — this one isn’t for you (and also, what is wrong with you?).

I adopted Nash when he was 8 weeks old and came from an abusive home. He weighed 3lbs and was absolutely perfect.

We lived in 4 states together, traveled to countless more and never stopped adventuring.

When I cried, he was there. When I celebrated, he was there. He was family.

After a few months of not knowing what was going on, we lost him in such a traumatic way. I have felt guilty, despair, frustration, anger and the deepest sadness I’ve ever felt.

His loss is truly so hard to move on from. I don’t think I ever will.

I’ve had a few friends lately unfortunately experiencing the same loss.

It’s truly devastating. Dogs are the most precious gift there is and the attachment is something fierce.

I don’t have the right words. It’s been 3 months and I still cry randomly.

Grief is a hell of a tough thing to carry. It’s even tougher when it’s because of the loss of something that truly is just there to love you. Dogs have no motivation other than to see us happy and a show us we are their world.

So if you’re holding this weight, I’m sorry. Carry it forever if you need to. Because for me, Nash was my soul dog. And I’ll never be able to get over that.

So grateful that you were mine sweet boy.

4th of July is Canceled.

Hear me out. What if we did not loudly celebrate anything about America this year for the 4th of July?

What if we either just kept really quiet or we staged a really solid protest?

Because as is, we don’t have a whole lot to celebrate.

I am grateful to live in America, but make no mistake, we’ve got a whole lot of work to do.

And honestly I would 10/10 rather not be living here.

But here I am, for now, so I just want to say - let’s leave the American flag clothing at home unless it’s for a really bitchin protest in our cities.

We can BBQ, but let’s not do fireworks (hello, the dogs?).

Instead, I’d love to share a few amazing ways to actually celebrate America:

5 Calls

Make your voice heard.

5 Calls is the easiest and most effective way for U.S. constituents to make a political impact.

Donate to Local News!

To support local public news, you can donate to your local NPR station or other nonprofit news organizations. Many local news outlets rely on individual donations and memberships to fund their operations. You can also support initiatives like the American Journalism Project or Report for America, which provide funding and resources to local newsrooms. 

Be Informed and Vote Local

Be Informed as to who is representing you in office. Vote local. Vote often. Volunteer at elections.

Read these 29 ways to help protect Democracy!

Happy 4th of July! I hate it here. So I’m going to do my part to make it better for all.

All the Things.

Life over the last 6+ months has been all the things. It’s been the highest highs and lowest lows and everything in between. It often feels like I’m still shining bright, but the lights are all tangled.

I’ve been so in love, so happy, so devastated, so proud, so humbled, so scared, so sad, so many feelings and yet at the end of it, I am beyond grateful to be in this chapter of life.

It’s been a lot of learning to sit in emotions, be ok with not being in control and allowing myself to reflect before acting.

But never have my connections felt more authentic and fulfilling than this time. My people have shown up for me through the really incredibly exciting life moments and helped keep me up for the really devastating ones.

And I think that’s the point of life.

Community and connection to each other.

I’ve always been ok on my own, more than ok honestly. I enjoy my alone time and knowing that at the end of the day, I’ve got me. I never felt that I was missing anything by being less open to really deep connections. I’ve always had a strong social life, family life, romantic life - but never allowed myself to fully be all in.

But eventually the therapy had to do something right?

Lately, the lights feel a little less tangled. I’m still not great at vulnerability. I still don’t know how to do relationships. I still struggle to be completely open and honest. I second guess myself a lot more than I’m comfortable admitting.

But when I look around at my little close circle around me, and the extended connections beyond that — I feel really proud of what I’m building. Seeing folks celebrate with me and grieve with me has been the most humbling and special experience of my life.

My words and my writing are rusty but wanting to come back to this space is starting to fill me up.

Hope you’ll stick around and see where I go next.

How to do the work

It is an absolute shit show out there in America. And the balance between being informed and needing to dissasociate in order to survive is a slippery slope. If you’re like me, you want to do your part but often feel overwhelmed with where to start. I’ve got some ideas I wanted to share in case you’re ready to jump in and get us on the long road to change.

Educate yourself and those around you

The reason those in charge are getting rid of the department of education and removing history is because they want you uneducated. If you’re uneducated you’re easily confused and more likely to buy into false narratives. Invest in local news, reputable sources and educate yourself on the facts. Call out ignorance and fake news when you see it. Tell folks when they’re listening to sources that are not based in truth. Refuse to buy into the lies and know the difference between facts and opinions.

Start Local

Long term change starts local. So find an organization (or two!) that you’re passionate about and donate your time and money to that space. You don’t need to spend 40+ hours and all your money doing this. Take an hour a month and work your way up to whatever works for you. Give $5 one time and work your way up to a manageable number long term for your budget. Local organizations are how we build community, empower local politicians, and save lives. The small town mayor fighting for women’s rights becomes a DC senator because we supported them at the start. Starting local is the number one way to drive change.

Bring your values to work

Do you work at a company that supports doing the right thing? Learn into that. Find out if they match donations. If you work at a company that doesn’t support your values and you can’t afford to quit, find ways to hire vendors and support small businesses that align with your values. Hire the small town LGBTQ+ Baker. Buy alcohol from the Black owned winemaker down the street.

Make Calls

5calls.org is the easiest way to call your local politicians. They help you find the right folks to make your voice heard as well as provide scripts for the issues that matter most to you. Calls to political representatives are up some 600% in the last few weeks. These elected officials are listening and they’re using your voice to enact change. Do not let up.

Show up

Protests are happening everywhere. Grab a friend and show up. Make a sign and memorize a chant. Along with making calls, this is such an impactful way to make sure your voice is heard.

There are more of us than there are billionaires running this country. It is on us to make our voices heard and fight for change. They want us discouraged and beaten down. If you need to take a break, take a break. And then get back in the fight. It’s going to take years to create the change we want and need, don’t give up.

My rapist could be President.

I haven’t known how to fully express everything I feel about the unfortunate turn of events on November 5th. But the one thing I can’t stop turning over and over is that my rapist could be President.

I don’t know how to teach people to care about others, but I do know that a nation built on racism, misogyny and hate — that has never truly faced those issues — is exactly where you’d expect it to be. America is a hateful, ignorant, selfish country.

At least half of you are.

The other half, not only are we literate in basic economics and history — we genuinely understand community and value humanity. I am one of those people.

The half of you that ignorantly thought somehow, this bigoted criminal would make your lives better, you chose hate. You thought you’d save a few bucks on groceries (you were yet again dumb and wrong) and you said rape? misogyny? racism? criminal? Who cares!

I genuinely wish you nothing but the worst. I genuinely wish that one day you realize what you’ve done and you have to live with knowing you are the lowest this world has to offer. You aren’t a Christian. You aren’t some smarter than the rest of us member of society. You are utter garbage. You lack the basic education and life skills to know that you will not only not flourish, many of you will lose it all (as you should).

There’s no world in which I thought this would happen - again. And that’s what I have to sit with. That’s what I have to realize is my biggest mistake. I have to do more for the future, because I surely didn’t do enough. Many of us didn’t.

So here we are. A world in which rape is ok. A world in which people still think you can be less than because of your skin color or gender. A world in which white men are so insecure that they vote hate over humanity.

In the coming weeks, I hope I have more developed thoughts. For now, I hope if you voted for this, you continue to have the worst day of your life every single day for the remainder of your life.

Spooky Szn

I thrive in the ‘ber months. Absolutely live in the most basic joyful way I possibly can. And October is the Super Bowl of the ‘ber months for me. It’s spooky season y’all! And I live laugh love for all that means. I want to watch the Disney greats, I want to craft to my heart’s content, I want to wear cozy sweaters and step on crunchy leaves. I’d like to hike and see every freaking color Colorado has to offer, have girl’s nights with takeout and blankets and read while it rains. Give me all of it. I’d love to share with you some of my October joys this season!

What I’m buying:

Rhinestone Pumpkins (mini pumpkins from Trader Joe’s and stick on rhinestones), DIY Bat Candles, Fall floral arrangements (buy various flowers from Trader Joe’s)

What I’m doing:

Hikes, Crunchy leaf walks, reading, cooking, girl’s craft nights, backyard movie nights, visiting apple farms, checking out glow at the botanical gardens and boo at the zoo, snuggling on the couch with movies

How are y’all thriving in October?

Older + Wiser(ish)

Contrary to what you would believe if you looked at me, I am in fact aging. In fact, I’m going to be 40 next year! And while that sounds absolutely wild, it’s also something I’m grateful for.

And yet, even I am not immune to what it’s like aging as a woman in the world. There’s so much pressure to stay hot, look young, be it all. Women are “old” while men are “in their prime.” I hate it. It makes absolutely no sense. But there are times in which I understand it and fear aging too.

My 30’s have been the absolute best years of my life. Truly, my 20’s were fun, but they were a shitshow. My 30’s are where I’ve done the most growing, learning and becoming my best self. I can only hope my 40’s will follow this pattern.

So how was women do we focus on the good parts of aging?

  1. Do you: Plain and simple, do what makes you happy. Stop the noise of “I shouldn’t and I should” and do what brings you joy. Forget the trends, the diets, the cliche advice. Want to wear a mini skirt at 60? Rock it babe. Want to start a new career at 40? Get after it! Refuse to get work done ever? Age gracefully queen. There’s no rules. You’re the one who has to do this journey, don’t do it for anyone else.

  2. Worry less about what others think of us: Ok, yea, this one is the hardest. But actively choosing to block the noise when others have opinions on how we look, what we do - is critical to aging. Because there will always be someone saying we look too something, are wearing something we shouldn’t, that we need Botox — the list goes on. So what. That’s a reflecting of them, not us.

  3. Be an ally: I’m a girl’s girl. I’m going to compliment you in the streets, hype you up at work and give you the hard truth when you need it. Actively choose to lift up other women on their aging journey. Compliment strangers of all ages. Be patient and kind with older and younger folks at work alike. When another woman chooses to age differently than you, support her. Champion other women for choosing what works for them.

  4. Create value for yourself outside of your physical appearance. As we get older, our bodies and looks change. There are going to be times we don’t love that. You have to find value in yourself outside of your physical body. I hope you find ways to love how beautiful you are at every age, but I hope first and foremost you remember the only person it matters you look good for is yourself and what that means to you. And that your looks are the least interesting thing about you.

  5. Find gratitude: It truly is a gift to age. Especially in a world I’ve seen so many friends and family lose that privilege. Learn to be grateful you have the opportunity to age and experience all that comes with. So many don’t have that opportunity.

Aging is wild as hell. I feel like I was both 18 yesterday and 22 last week and that I’m still 24 now. It’s wild to be an age that I used to think was so far beyond my scope that surely I can’t be there yet. And I’ll struggle with that, but I’ll also find ways to live the rest of this life aging with joy.

I guess therapy works

It took me a few years to stick with therapy regularly and do the work. Because you can go to therapy, but not actually participate in a way that makes it effective. Or you’re with the wrong therapist. A whole lot of things have to align for therapy to stick and actually make you change. Including being in a place to invest in becoming better.

I’m not great with feelings. Because of trauma and being an athlete, I am the best at turning off my emotions and getting shit done. It’s both a skill and a problem.

But eventually, I became exhausted of my own bullshit. I was tired of not getting the most out of life and always feeling ‘meh’ or worse than meh. Or not being able to control my anxiety + PTSD.

I’ve slowly evolved, grown and become better for myself and others, but not in any meaningful way until the last year. But more and more, I’m finally having those moments they tell you about. Where you handle a situation better than old you would have. I’m less frazzled in situations that used to cripple me. My priorities are different. My inner circle is tight and I’m quicker to cut out people who don’t create peace in my nervous system.

I’m still not a crier. I don’t know if that will ever change. And I still struggle with opening up when I’m struggling, but I do open up. I do say “I’m having a hard time with my mental health.” And while that may seem small, for me, that’s night and day. I speak openly about my PTSD and triggers. If I need to remove myself from a situation, I do. I don’t apologize for that, I just express my needs and follow through. I no longer suffer to avoid speaking about it.

More often than not, when I have therapy, I learn something new about why I am the way I am or how I can become a better version of myself.

Therapy works. And not the trendy therapy words or workbooks or toxic way in which folks have weaponized mental health. Therapy works in a way that fundamentally changes who you are when you’re willing to go there.

Therapy is a lot of work. It’s really hard. If you’re doing it right, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But without it, I’m not sure where I’d be. So if you’re looking for a reason to make your life better, to learn to better cope, to have better relationships - to just get more goodness out of the world we spend so little time in - go to therapy. And do it right.

Don't Call it a Comeback

It’s been about a year and a half since I was active blogging. I’m a firm believer in hobbies only being worth it if they bring you joy. And for a while, blogging stopped bringing me joy.

But this season of life is calling me to write again, so here I am!

What have I been up to?

Well, I finally made it to Denver. I left Colorado in 2012 and since then have lived in AZ, CA, TX, CA again and now CO! I fell in love with Colorado and Denver specifically in 2012 and always wanted to find my way back. The stars never aligned until COVID, where I was able to make this dream happen. I’ve been here as a homeowner going on 3 years and that is the longest I’ve lived anywhere since 2010.

I’ve built a community here. I have a really solid friend group, a home in a location I love, a fully remote job in tech and Nash is still my sidekick through it all!

Work is no longer my entire personality. In 2021 and 2022 I went through yet another really awful work situation, dealt with everything that happened working at the Phoenix Suns, had some really terrible health issues and was extremely unwell. Mentally, physically I was at the worst place I think I’ve ever been in life.

I took 6 months to not work, to travel, to go through intense therapy and to be incredibly selfish with myself. And it forced me to look at who I am outside of work. I didn’t have work to lean on or define myself by. And it was the thing I needed to finally kick my value/self worth tie.

But more on that later.

I’m somehow more open and more private about my life than I’ve ever been. I keep a lot to myself but share the things I’m passionate about the world knowing. Mental health, human rights, safe workplaces - all things I’m very candid about. My personal relationships, future plans and the like, that’s for me and a chosen few to know about.

For now, I’m back on my blogging bullshit, and I hope you’ll stick around for the ride.