False Narratives

Throughout your life you are going to encounter a whole lot of false narratives about you. At work, in relationships, lost friendships and in family. It is your job to recognize that 99% of these storylines do not require your time, energy or response.

People are entitled to their version of the story. Just as you are entitled to your version of every story.

Part of growing up and being emotionally and professionally mature is being able to say is this a narrative that will affect me in the future or is it something I need to let go of?

How do you know the difference?

At Work

  • Does this narrative affect your career? If the answer is yes and it’s serious enough, take the proper steps to address the issue. If the answer is no, move on.

  • Remember how you choose to react to a situation is often more important than the actual situation.

  • Always err on the side of being overly professional. Your reputation in business is everything. And it’s so quick to be soured.

  • Let your actions show up for you. Be so good at what you do, such a strong teammate and so on your shit that false narratives are never believed.

In Life

  • Is this narrative going to matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 years? I can promise you 99.9% of the time it won’t. Get over yourself and move on.

  • If someone in your life is spreading a harmful false narrative about you, cut that person off. Period. That’s not someone you need disrupting your peace.

  • Remember who you are. Be so confident in who you are and the morals, values and general goodness you bring to the world that these narratives do not allow you to waver in who you are.

False narratives are going to happen. Over and over and over. It’s the nature of insecurity, lack of maturity and just plain bad behavior. So what? They don’t define you, only your actions in response to them define you. And it’s my personal belief that it says more about the person spreading the narrative than it does about you.

This is 40

I recently turned 40! As a woman, I’ve been taught since a very early age that 40 is scary. Aging for women is bad. It’s all a lie. Aging is a privilege.

I’ve always been a bit afraid of aging too. I am very aware of how short life is and how precious of a gift this time we have is. But I’ve never feared looking older, not being what a woman is expected to be, not meeting societal timelines, none of it. My 30’s were amazing. Each decade has been so much sweeter than the last and I know the 40’s will be the same. That being said, let me impart a little wisdom on women in your 20’s and 30’s.

Women in your 20’s (Be 20-something)

  • Your 20’s are a time of exploration. Do dumb shit. Make impulsive decisions. Have more fun. Let yourself be anything but perfect.

  • Explore your career options. Take the time to do the things you aren’t sure are the right fit, or they’re scary to take a risk on. Your 20’s are for figuring out what’s possible

  • Know your place and grind. At work you should also be willing to grind and do the other duties as assigned. Show your value, show you’re willing to do the hard shit and be someone people see the potential in.

  • Be a girls’s girl. Please learn this young. Show up for other women and be someone who empowers other women. This will serve you for the rest of your life

  • Go to therapy. Start young. Learn how to love yourself, deal with your trauma and become a better version of yourself

  • Put your friends in boxes and have a whole lot of them. In your 20’s you’re learning who you are and who your people are. Know who you can go to for the fun, the deep connections, the support, etc. Start to figure out who brings you peace and joy so that when you get to your 30’s you have a strong core.

  • Be kind to yourself. Your 20’s are hard. You’re insecure, exploring and have no idea what you’re doing. That’s the point. Give yourself a break. You’re going to make mistakes. Be a good person and do your best.

  • Travel. Figure it out and go. Whether it’s to a city next door or a country across the world, travel. Learn about new cultures, meet different people, figure out that there is a whole big world outside of you.

Women in your 30’s (Show up)

  • Show up better. You’re no longer 20, you’ve got enough life experience, learned enough lessons and know what’s right and wrong. Make less excuses and show up better for yourself and others.

  • Stay in therapy. You should have the foundation of tools from starting therapy in your 20’s. Use your 30’s to really get deep and do big work. You can’t blame your trauma anymore, you’ve got to have tools and be putting them to action.

  • Have goals and be working towards them. At work you should be in a steady career or working towards one. Be able to pay your bills and plan for the future. Things happen (layoffs, etc) but for the most part you should have a general plan and be putting the work in.

  • Date intentionally. If your goal is marriage or long term and stable, stop playing games. Stop dating for attention. Date for the sole purpose of those goals. If you’re not looking for long term and stable, be open about that. Treat others with respect and avoid misunderstandings. Be intentional whichever path you’re on romantically.

  • Love yourself. You’re old enough to know yourself and you’re too old to be insecure. Own the good parts, work on the bad parts but be so confident in who you are that others are unable to change your perspective of yourself.

  • Make your circle small. Only invest in people who bring you peace and joy. Cut out the rest. You are not here to make everyone like you. Spend time with people who bring deep connections and make you better.

Getting older is a privilege. It’s so cliche but so very true. Getting to experience the years so many do not is such a gift. We get to exist at a time unlike any other before us and any after us. And we get to meet cool people and fall in love and win big at work and see the coolest places and it’s all so much bigger than telling women they’re over at 40. I’m excited for what my 40’s have to offer. And I’m so grateful to love myself and be in this place in life more than any other time before.

They're not wrong.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a really (really) healthy fear of commitment. So when I’d ask people how they knew their partner was “the one” and they’d all say “when you know, you know” I could not possibly roll my eyes harder. Turns out, they were all right.

Before I explain, I need to share three things:

  1. I do not believe in soulmates. I don’t think that some person is born to be my forever. I do not believe there’s one true love. I believe timing is everything and you wake up each day and choose each other.

  2. I take marriage very seriously. My parents have been married 40+ years and there isn’t a history of divorce anywhere in my family. We stay married.

  3. As much as I’m now on board with when you know, you know — I am also very much a believer that you can’t ever really know. Because we cannot predict the future. People change, circumstances change. You hope you grow and go through it together, but you can only be sure in the commitment and love now.

When I met my husband, there wasn’t an instant “he’s it” for me. We met on the apps (obviously), we had really strong conversation and that continued when we went on our first date. I kept waiting for the catch because we connected so well on so many levels. The more we got to know each other, the more he started checking boxes.

When we met in person, the attraction was there (he’s absolutely smokin’ hot, I love that for me) and even more importantly, the conversation translated from text to IRL. He asked me questions, he planned dates, he did what he said he’d do and he prioritized getting to know me without the games.

And while I do not believe in sharing the most intimate parts of our relationship or our timeline - I do want to share that 1. we got very serious very quickly and 2. as much as I had my moments of panic, I have never been more sure of a decision in my life. The time leading up to our elopement, the elaborate trip we took (we got married on Safari in South Africa, more on that in another post), I felt unbelievably calm. I was so calm, people kept commenting about how low maintenance I was as a bride. For me, there wasn’t anything to stress about, the most important piece (our love) was the focus.

As annoying as it is, the whole “when you know, you know” turns out to be true. It’s of course an accumulation of feelings and actions (he challenges me to grow + puts in the work with me + we are aligned on the important values) but it really is this “oh this is what that’s supposed to feel like” moment one day.

I won’t ever pretend it’s perfect, relationships and marriage are hard, but I am so grateful I waited for the right one to commit to. That we choose each other. Because to me, being single isn’t embarrassing or a failure, staying in an unhealthy relationship for fear of being single is. I waited 39 years for the right person to commit to and I am beyond grateful for the timing. 22 year old me, 30 year old me, 35 year old me? We wouldn’t have been right for my husband. We probably wouldn’t have been right for anyone. We barely showed up for ourself.

But I sure am glad, at 39 (gasp, an almost 40 year old bride?! How dare I!) I am in a place to not only meet but show up for the man I married almost 2 weeks ago (overlooking the African bush, so dreamy).

If you’re still waiting, and still hearing people tell you that “when you know, you know” — it’s ok to roll your eyes. But keep your mind open to when that time and that person does come along. And until they do, continue to focus on yourself. On your growth, travel, friendships — live a really big and really full life. Lastly, do not ever, ever settle.

I do not want to girl boss.

It finally happened. I stopped caring about overachieving in my career.

What a turn of events.

Nothing in particular happened. I wasn’t fired. I haven’t quit. Nobody fucked me over. I’m just tired.

I’ve spent my entire life overachieving. At everything. An entire life of feeling like I’m not good enough, doing enough or achieving enough.

And now, I don’t want to do any of that.

I want to move to a beach in Portugal, open a cafe and bookstore with my gorgeous fiance and just live.

Realistically since I am not independently wealthy nor a trust fund baby, I’m going to need to work. I’m also still a little driven by that little voice in the back of my head that says “but be better.”

So here are my new career goals: be paid fairly, be respected, be challenged.

I don’t care what my title is. I don’t care to level up from whatever title you give me. I simply want to be compensated for what I bring to the table (which is a lot), I want to be treated with empathy and respect and I want to do work that doesn’t bore me.

I’m kind of a dream employee. I’ve reached the level of type A where I’m still going to give you really excellent work but I’m not going to require any oversight and I won’t bring any drama. I’m simply going to deliver and shut the fuck up. On repeat.

I’m so proud of the women out there becoming CEO’s and taking over the world, we need you (seriously have you seen who is in charge, we need you desperately) — but I mostly want to just take over this spot on the beach, or in a tiny cafe with a beverage and a book.

I want the rest of my career to be “she was really really good at what she did, but more importantly, she was chill as hell and a kind person to work with.” I want you to know that I’m a top performer, but that I’m also performing well at my passion — leaving the country and seeing the world. At meeting everyone I possibly can and learning about their cultures.

I do not want to boss babe. I want to leave work at work and create a life of adventure and softness and community and learning and doing anything but being bothered by my next promotion or what BS is happening with Capitalism today.

So that’s what I’ll be overachieving at. Making that dream happen.

Nashville

In April I lost the love of my life, Nashville. For almost 10 years, through the most pivotal time in my life, he was my ride or die.

And if you’re not a dog person — this one isn’t for you (and also, what is wrong with you?).

I adopted Nash when he was 8 weeks old and came from an abusive home. He weighed 3lbs and was absolutely perfect.

We lived in 4 states together, traveled to countless more and never stopped adventuring.

When I cried, he was there. When I celebrated, he was there. He was family.

After a few months of not knowing what was going on, we lost him in such a traumatic way. I have felt guilty, despair, frustration, anger and the deepest sadness I’ve ever felt.

His loss is truly so hard to move on from. I don’t think I ever will.

I’ve had a few friends lately unfortunately experiencing the same loss.

It’s truly devastating. Dogs are the most precious gift there is and the attachment is something fierce.

I don’t have the right words. It’s been 3 months and I still cry randomly.

Grief is a hell of a tough thing to carry. It’s even tougher when it’s because of the loss of something that truly is just there to love you. Dogs have no motivation other than to see us happy and a show us we are their world.

So if you’re holding this weight, I’m sorry. Carry it forever if you need to. Because for me, Nash was my soul dog. And I’ll never be able to get over that.

So grateful that you were mine sweet boy.

4th of July is Canceled.

Hear me out. What if we did not loudly celebrate anything about America this year for the 4th of July?

What if we either just kept really quiet or we staged a really solid protest?

Because as is, we don’t have a whole lot to celebrate.

I am grateful to live in America, but make no mistake, we’ve got a whole lot of work to do.

And honestly I would 10/10 rather not be living here.

But here I am, for now, so I just want to say - let’s leave the American flag clothing at home unless it’s for a really bitchin protest in our cities.

We can BBQ, but let’s not do fireworks (hello, the dogs?).

Instead, I’d love to share a few amazing ways to actually celebrate America:

5 Calls

Make your voice heard.

5 Calls is the easiest and most effective way for U.S. constituents to make a political impact.

Donate to Local News!

To support local public news, you can donate to your local NPR station or other nonprofit news organizations. Many local news outlets rely on individual donations and memberships to fund their operations. You can also support initiatives like the American Journalism Project or Report for America, which provide funding and resources to local newsrooms. 

Be Informed and Vote Local

Be Informed as to who is representing you in office. Vote local. Vote often. Volunteer at elections.

Read these 29 ways to help protect Democracy!

Happy 4th of July! I hate it here. So I’m going to do my part to make it better for all.

All the Things.

Life over the last 6+ months has been all the things. It’s been the highest highs and lowest lows and everything in between. It often feels like I’m still shining bright, but the lights are all tangled.

I’ve been so in love, so happy, so devastated, so proud, so humbled, so scared, so sad, so many feelings and yet at the end of it, I am beyond grateful to be in this chapter of life.

It’s been a lot of learning to sit in emotions, be ok with not being in control and allowing myself to reflect before acting.

But never have my connections felt more authentic and fulfilling than this time. My people have shown up for me through the really incredibly exciting life moments and helped keep me up for the really devastating ones.

And I think that’s the point of life.

Community and connection to each other.

I’ve always been ok on my own, more than ok honestly. I enjoy my alone time and knowing that at the end of the day, I’ve got me. I never felt that I was missing anything by being less open to really deep connections. I’ve always had a strong social life, family life, romantic life - but never allowed myself to fully be all in.

But eventually the therapy had to do something right?

Lately, the lights feel a little less tangled. I’m still not great at vulnerability. I still don’t know how to do relationships. I still struggle to be completely open and honest. I second guess myself a lot more than I’m comfortable admitting.

But when I look around at my little close circle around me, and the extended connections beyond that — I feel really proud of what I’m building. Seeing folks celebrate with me and grieve with me has been the most humbling and special experience of my life.

My words and my writing are rusty but wanting to come back to this space is starting to fill me up.

Hope you’ll stick around and see where I go next.

How to do the work

It is an absolute shit show out there in America. And the balance between being informed and needing to dissasociate in order to survive is a slippery slope. If you’re like me, you want to do your part but often feel overwhelmed with where to start. I’ve got some ideas I wanted to share in case you’re ready to jump in and get us on the long road to change.

Educate yourself and those around you

The reason those in charge are getting rid of the department of education and removing history is because they want you uneducated. If you’re uneducated you’re easily confused and more likely to buy into false narratives. Invest in local news, reputable sources and educate yourself on the facts. Call out ignorance and fake news when you see it. Tell folks when they’re listening to sources that are not based in truth. Refuse to buy into the lies and know the difference between facts and opinions.

Start Local

Long term change starts local. So find an organization (or two!) that you’re passionate about and donate your time and money to that space. You don’t need to spend 40+ hours and all your money doing this. Take an hour a month and work your way up to whatever works for you. Give $5 one time and work your way up to a manageable number long term for your budget. Local organizations are how we build community, empower local politicians, and save lives. The small town mayor fighting for women’s rights becomes a DC senator because we supported them at the start. Starting local is the number one way to drive change.

Bring your values to work

Do you work at a company that supports doing the right thing? Learn into that. Find out if they match donations. If you work at a company that doesn’t support your values and you can’t afford to quit, find ways to hire vendors and support small businesses that align with your values. Hire the small town LGBTQ+ Baker. Buy alcohol from the Black owned winemaker down the street.

Make Calls

5calls.org is the easiest way to call your local politicians. They help you find the right folks to make your voice heard as well as provide scripts for the issues that matter most to you. Calls to political representatives are up some 600% in the last few weeks. These elected officials are listening and they’re using your voice to enact change. Do not let up.

Show up

Protests are happening everywhere. Grab a friend and show up. Make a sign and memorize a chant. Along with making calls, this is such an impactful way to make sure your voice is heard.

There are more of us than there are billionaires running this country. It is on us to make our voices heard and fight for change. They want us discouraged and beaten down. If you need to take a break, take a break. And then get back in the fight. It’s going to take years to create the change we want and need, don’t give up.

My rapist could be President.

I haven’t known how to fully express everything I feel about the unfortunate turn of events on November 5th. But the one thing I can’t stop turning over and over is that my rapist could be President.

I don’t know how to teach people to care about others, but I do know that a nation built on racism, misogyny and hate — that has never truly faced those issues — is exactly where you’d expect it to be. America is a hateful, ignorant, selfish country.

At least half of you are.

The other half, not only are we literate in basic economics and history — we genuinely understand community and value humanity. I am one of those people.

The half of you that ignorantly thought somehow, this bigoted criminal would make your lives better, you chose hate. You thought you’d save a few bucks on groceries (you were yet again dumb and wrong) and you said rape? misogyny? racism? criminal? Who cares!

I genuinely wish you nothing but the worst. I genuinely wish that one day you realize what you’ve done and you have to live with knowing you are the lowest this world has to offer. You aren’t a Christian. You aren’t some smarter than the rest of us member of society. You are utter garbage. You lack the basic education and life skills to know that you will not only not flourish, many of you will lose it all (as you should).

There’s no world in which I thought this would happen - again. And that’s what I have to sit with. That’s what I have to realize is my biggest mistake. I have to do more for the future, because I surely didn’t do enough. Many of us didn’t.

So here we are. A world in which rape is ok. A world in which people still think you can be less than because of your skin color or gender. A world in which white men are so insecure that they vote hate over humanity.

In the coming weeks, I hope I have more developed thoughts. For now, I hope if you voted for this, you continue to have the worst day of your life every single day for the remainder of your life.

Spooky Szn

I thrive in the ‘ber months. Absolutely live in the most basic joyful way I possibly can. And October is the Super Bowl of the ‘ber months for me. It’s spooky season y’all! And I live laugh love for all that means. I want to watch the Disney greats, I want to craft to my heart’s content, I want to wear cozy sweaters and step on crunchy leaves. I’d like to hike and see every freaking color Colorado has to offer, have girl’s nights with takeout and blankets and read while it rains. Give me all of it. I’d love to share with you some of my October joys this season!

What I’m buying:

Rhinestone Pumpkins (mini pumpkins from Trader Joe’s and stick on rhinestones), DIY Bat Candles, Fall floral arrangements (buy various flowers from Trader Joe’s)

What I’m doing:

Hikes, Crunchy leaf walks, reading, cooking, girl’s craft nights, backyard movie nights, visiting apple farms, checking out glow at the botanical gardens and boo at the zoo, snuggling on the couch with movies

How are y’all thriving in October?