An Update on being 40

I’ve been 40 for ~9 months now and while I still feel 28, it feels like a new and improved 28. 40 is a really scary age for women. It’s the official societal “she’s over” moment that’s supposed to make us panic and head directly to the plastic surgeon. It’s the “she looks good for her age” and the “well she’s 40 now” in whispers behind her back.

Thankfully, 40 for the women experiencing it is most often anything but the beginning of the end. 40 is the beginning of giving less fucks. Of never settling. Of restarting new careers. Of body and sexual confidence. Of prioritizing our needs.

I genuinely don’t feel 40 and yet I’m almost halfway through my time on this Earth — and that feels like a really serious age. Serious is a great way to describe what 40 has made me.

• I’m serious about my time. I don’t say yes to everything. I truly consider if it’s something I want to do and if it isn’t, it’s a no.

• I’m serious about my community. There are a small handful of people in this world that have the privilege of knowing me, spending time with me and that I’ll put the time and effort into. I have no interest in a larger circle.

• I’m serious about my career goals. I don’t want a fancy title. I want to be paid my worth (I’m worth a lot). I want to be respected. I want to generally enjoy the people I do the work with.

• I’m serious about enjoying the little things. I’m annoyingly grateful for life. I’ve been through a lot, so the little things are really important to me. Really good coffee. A gorgeous sunset. It’s all really special.

• I’m serious about celebrating. Everything is a big deal. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Random Tuesday afternoons. I want to celebrate it all.

• I’m serious about learning. And my favorite way to do that is to travel. I want to see everywhere and meet every culture and eat every food.

• I’m serious about my future. I don’t plan to work until I die. My husband and I plan to move abroad sooner rather than later. We work towards that goal. We also take our health seriously. We know how precious and lucky we are to even be looking at a future.

40 is a scary age. Life is oh so short. But 40 is also the most magical time if you choose to see it that way. So here I am, ~9 months into 40 and I haven’t shriveled up and died. I’m the happiest, most confident version of myself and I’m living dreams I never thought possible. Every decade is such a privilege. Who knows, maybe my 40’s will be my favorite yet.

This is 40

I recently turned 40! As a woman, I’ve been taught since a very early age that 40 is scary. Aging for women is bad. It’s all a lie. Aging is a privilege.

I’ve always been a bit afraid of aging too. I am very aware of how short life is and how precious of a gift this time we have is. But I’ve never feared looking older, not being what a woman is expected to be, not meeting societal timelines, none of it. My 30’s were amazing. Each decade has been so much sweeter than the last and I know the 40’s will be the same. That being said, let me impart a little wisdom on women in your 20’s and 30’s.

Women in your 20’s (Be 20-something)

• Your 20’s are a time of exploration. Do dumb shit. Make impulsive decisions. Have more fun. Let yourself be anything but perfect.

• Explore your career options. Take the time to do the things you aren’t sure are the right fit, or they’re scary to take a risk on. Your 20’s are for figuring out what’s possible

• Know your place and grind. At work you should also be willing to grind and do the other duties as assigned. Show your value, show you’re willing to do the hard shit and be someone people see the potential in.

• Be a girls’s girl. Please learn this young. Show up for other women and be someone who empowers other women. This will serve you for the rest of your life

• Go to therapy. Start young. Learn how to love yourself, deal with your trauma and become a better version of yourself

• Put your friends in boxes and have a whole lot of them. In your 20’s you’re learning who you are and who your people are. Know who you can go to for the fun, the deep connections, the support, etc. Start to figure out who brings you peace and joy so that when you get to your 30’s you have a strong core.

• Be kind to yourself. Your 20’s are hard. You’re insecure, exploring and have no idea what you’re doing. That’s the point. Give yourself a break. You’re going to make mistakes. Be a good person and do your best.

• Travel. Figure it out and go. Whether it’s to a city next door or a country across the world, travel. Learn about new cultures, meet different people, figure out that there is a whole big world outside of you.

Women in your 30’s (Show up)

• Show up better. You’re no longer 20, you’ve got enough life experience, learned enough lessons and know what’s right and wrong. Make less excuses and show up better for yourself and others.

• Stay in therapy. You should have the foundation of tools from starting therapy in your 20’s. Use your 30’s to really get deep and do big work. You can’t blame your trauma anymore, you’ve got to have tools and be putting them to action.

• Have goals and be working towards them. At work you should be in a steady career or working towards one. Be able to pay your bills and plan for the future. Things happen (layoffs, etc) but for the most part you should have a general plan and be putting the work in.

• Date intentionally. If your goal is marriage or long term and stable, stop playing games. Stop dating for attention. Date for the sole purpose of those goals. If you’re not looking for long term and stable, be open about that. Treat others with respect and avoid misunderstandings. Be intentional whichever path you’re on romantically.

• Love yourself. You’re old enough to know yourself and you’re too old to be insecure. Own the good parts, work on the bad parts but be so confident in who you are that others are unable to change your perspective of yourself.

• Make your circle small. Only invest in people who bring you peace and joy. Cut out the rest. You are not here to make everyone like you. Spend time with people who bring deep connections and make you better.

Getting older is a privilege. It’s so cliche but so very true. Getting to experience the years so many do not is such a gift. We get to exist at a time unlike any other before us and any after us. And we get to meet cool people and fall in love and win big at work and see the coolest places and it’s all so much bigger than telling women they’re over at 40. I’m excited for what my 40’s have to offer. And I’m so grateful to love myself and be in this place in life more than any other time before.