When I opened up more publicly on the socials about my partner (like I hadn’t said a word until I soft launched him the day we got engaged LOL), I had a lot of folks tell me it gave them hope. And that both makes me sad and really happy. Sad because 39 is hardly at some end of the road, late in life time to meet your person. And happy because people should be inspired to never settle.
I met my now husband on the apps, as one does in these times. I was at the point of needing to take a break from app dating when I met him; like I was about 24 hours from deleting the apps for a reset. So believe me when I say that I understand how absolutely depressing dating is. Especially in these times, especially in your late 30’s. But for me, it wasn’t about being older. The depressing part was because I’m old enough to know settling is never an option. Old enough to be comfortable and confident in myself, what I want and more importantly, what I deserve.
Let me be so very clear - I know my value and I would rather be single for the rest of my life than spend one minute in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship.
So what made me stick around and continue to get to know this one? What led me to get over my own bullshit (fear of commitment) and go all in - quickly at that?
He did what he said. If he asked me on a date, he followed through, and he planned a date. If we discussed calling or texting to check in, he did that.
He didn’t play any games. He believes in connection and if he’s interested in a woman, he doesn’t continue to date other women. He sees that relationship - whatever it does or doesn’t become - through before entertaining anyone else. I never had to question if there were other women, how many, or what stage he was at with them, it was just about getting to know me
He called me on my bullshit. I have a deep fear of commitment. And I’d never met anyone I was willing to push past that for to actually show up in a healthy way. He called me out in a realistic - not mean - way and it forced me to decide whether I was going to be better for myself and us or walk away.
He was an open book. Probably too open candidly. But he knew what he was looking for, he knew his strengths and weaknesses and didn’t want to put up any fronts. He wanted to show up authentically, share the good bad and ugly and see if we fit. I wasn’t ever wondering his story.
He was willing to do the work on his own bullshit. He’s not perfect either. He knows that. But when I’ve asked for the work to be done, the changes to be made, he’s done it. And I know he will continue to do so as we both grow and change together.
Our general values align. He’s progressive, a feminist and believes in being a good person to others. He values community, he knows I’m loud and proud about my social justice beliefs and actions and he’s willing to have tough discussions. He’s a former professional athlete and understands wins and losses and getting back up stronger. We both value experiences over money and things (but know we have to work hard to earn the money to do the experiences) and we don’t want kids (but want to resuce every dog in the world).
He shows up. I’m not perfect either (I know, wild). He loves all of me, not just the shiny parts. He shows up when shit is hard, he is a true teammate and I know that when things are hard we both can do anything.
He doesn’t believe in soulmates. And neither do I. We don’t think we are destined to be together. We actively choose each other everyday. And that’s bigger than any “God brought us here for each other” that is just not reality. We would both be perfectly fine without each other because of this. But we know life is better together, so we show up for each other every day.
I used to have a whole lot of nonegotiables that in fact are not important. I think a lot of it was protecting myself from pain. But you can refuse to settle and still understand relationships are not a fairytale. Marriage is the coolest thing in the world and also really hard. It always will be. Humans are flawed and ever changing and that means marriages are the same.
Yes, I wanted until 39 to find my person. No, that’s not old. I’d wait until 99 if it meant never settling. Please don’t let yourself get wrapped up in timelines or societal expectations. They’re not real. I love that I had 39 years to learn, date, grow, change, fail, have my heartbroken, explore the world, be independent, invest in my friendships and then find my partner. And I’m still learning, growing, exploring the world, investing in my friendships, being my own independent and wild woman. To love me means knowing that can never ever change. I’m a force of nature and I love that so much about me.
Yes, life is good with my forever human. But the longest and closest relationship I’ll ever have is with myself. I am most proud that relationship is on lock first so that settling was never an option for me.