Never Settle

When I opened up more publicly on the socials about my partner (like I hadn’t said a word until I soft launched him the day we got engaged LOL), I had a lot of folks tell me it gave them hope. And that both makes me sad and really happy. Sad because 39 is hardly at some end of the road, late in life time to meet your person. And happy because people should be inspired to never settle.

I met my now husband on the apps, as one does in these times. I was at the point of needing to take a break from app dating when I met him; like I was about 24 hours from deleting the apps for a reset. So believe me when I say that I understand how absolutely depressing dating is. Especially in these times, especially in your late 30’s. But for me, it wasn’t about being older. The depressing part was because I’m old enough to know settling is never an option. Old enough to be comfortable and confident in myself, what I want and more importantly, what I deserve.

Let me be so very clear - I know my value and I would rather be single for the rest of my life than spend one minute in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship.

So what made me stick around and continue to get to know this one? What led me to get over my own bullshit (fear of commitment) and go all in - quickly at that?

1. He did what he said. If he asked me on a date, he followed through, and he planned a date. If we discussed calling or texting to check in, he did that.

2. He didn’t play any games. He believes in connection and if he’s interested in a woman, he doesn’t continue to date other women. He sees that relationship - whatever it does or doesn’t become - through before entertaining anyone else. I never had to question if there were other women, how many, or what stage he was at with them, it was just about getting to know me

3. He called me on my bullshit. I have a deep fear of commitment. And I’d never met anyone I was willing to push past that for to actually show up in a healthy way. He called me out in a realistic - not mean - way and it forced me to decide whether I was going to be better for myself and us or walk away.

4. He was an open book. Probably too open candidly. But he knew what he was looking for, he knew his strengths and weaknesses and didn’t want to put up any fronts. He wanted to show up authentically, share the good bad and ugly and see if we fit. I wasn’t ever wondering his story.

5. He was willing to do the work on his own bullshit. He’s not perfect either. He knows that. But when I’ve asked for the work to be done, the changes to be made, he’s done it. And I know he will continue to do so as we both grow and change together.

6. Our general values align. He’s progressive, a feminist and believes in being a good person to others. He values community, he knows I’m loud and proud about my social justice beliefs and actions and he’s willing to have tough discussions. He’s a former professional athlete and understands wins and losses and getting back up stronger. We both value experiences over money and things (but know we have to work hard to earn the money to do the experiences) and we don’t want kids (but want to resuce every dog in the world).

7. He shows up. I’m not perfect either (I know, wild). He loves all of me, not just the shiny parts. He shows up when shit is hard, he is a true teammate and I know that when things are hard we both can do anything.

8. He doesn’t believe in soulmates. And neither do I. We don’t think we are destined to be together. We actively choose each other everyday. And that’s bigger than any “God brought us here for each other” that is just not reality. We would both be perfectly fine without each other because of this. But we know life is better together, so we show up for each other every day.

I used to have a whole lot of nonegotiables that in fact are not important. I think a lot of it was protecting myself from pain. But you can refuse to settle and still understand relationships are not a fairytale. Marriage is the coolest thing in the world and also really hard. It always will be. Humans are flawed and ever changing and that means marriages are the same.

Yes, I wanted until 39 to find my person. No, that’s not old. I’d wait until 99 if it meant never settling. Please don’t let yourself get wrapped up in timelines or societal expectations. They’re not real. I love that I had 39 years to learn, date, grow, change, fail, have my heartbroken, explore the world, be independent, invest in my friendships and then find my partner. And I’m still learning, growing, exploring the world, investing in my friendships, being my own independent and wild woman. To love me means knowing that can never ever change. I’m a force of nature and I love that so much about me.

Yes, life is good with my forever human. But the longest and closest relationship I’ll ever have is with myself. I am most proud that relationship is on lock first so that settling was never an option for me.

Boundaries?

if you were to look up type A personality in the dictionary, you would see a flawless photo of ME.  And at work, I am even worse.

I am constantly overachieving, I have issues letting go of projects, and I'm always volunteering for more.  Because of that, I have no boundaries.

I get myself in these overworked, no work life balance situations and think NOT AGAIN WHY ME?! But if we are being honest - it's kind of my own fault.

Its so wonderful to be the go to rock star at work, and it feeds into the idea that you need to keep saying yes - but if you don't set boundaries you're going to find yourself saying no to YOU.

Boundaries are critical to maintaining your value in the workplace (honey don't allow yourself to do the most without getting your worth) and they're critical to preventing burnout. 

I know Sequins - here comes the part where I make another effing list. We get it I'm type A and making neat little lists, that's really not going to help the problem. Step one, admitting the problem, step two, creating a list about the problem - er, right?

Boundaries. I don't have any and I need them.  So what's a girl to do?

Recognize what boundaries are

I need to start realizing what's my role, and what is exceeding expectations and being a boss babe without overstepping into someone else' space.  It's understanding I don't have to say yes to everything to be successful.  I can simply own my own projects, make them amazing, and create that balance between work rock star and having time for personal life excellence too. 

Understand the importance of boundaries to my life

I have made a very serious commitment to work life balance.  I've spent the majority of 10 years working too much and putting my career first.  When I say that I don't want that life anymore, that balance is what matters to me, I mean it.  And anything that threatens my ability to have a happy healthy personal life, it's a deal breaker.  That being said, I'm in an industry that demands a lot on my life.  So I understand when I say I need boundaries, that could come with reprocussions.  It could mean a company values work horse over my talent.  I have to be willing to accept the consequences of setting the boundaries I have chosen to set. 

Put the boundaries in place

Im at the point that I'm well aware of the times I need to stay in my lane. I know when I should walk away, shut up - and mind my own business. But type A Ashley she taps me on the shoulder and she's saying "Hey Babe but we could just quickly involve ourselves in this one, promise it will be no big deal" and then I'm stuck on a project that is sucking my soul out all day.  I know my weakness, it's being able to act or rather don't act that's my problem.  So this is where I start small.  I leave work early.  I don't answer emails after 5 (fine 6).  I refuse to talk about work after work.   

Stand firm

I've got boundaries now.  I'm actively working to create a balance and separation and keep my unicorn in my own lane.  But now I need to go big and vocalize the boundaries and push back when they're tested.  I know I work hard. I know I deliver some damn good results. And I know that whenever I'm asking for boundaries, they're reasonable and professional.  It's time to speak up, stick to my guns, and be prepared for whatever comes next

I will always be type A and I will always struggle with when go let go of the reigns at work.  I realize that a lot of my complaints about my career are well within my control. If you're struggling with your work life, consider setting boundaries and communicating with your leadership what those boundaries mean to you.  The best companies understand that the best employees have a balance and maintain reasonable boundaries when it comes to work.  And if you're somewhere that you can't set boundaries, you may want to consider changing your situation.  

Career Journey

I'm 31 and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. 

As a kid - I wanted to be an actor, an athlete, a doctor and at one point a lion tamer.  As I grew up the doctor stuck, I added lawyer, got injured enough to rule out athlete and considered interior design.  College came and went and my passion for sports stuck.  I also began to realize I loved to plan events and I was really good at the creative details.

It took me five job changes to land my dream job planning events for a professional sports team.  I had the creative freedom to produce some incredible events, I was immersed in a field I loved and I was building relationships that continue to thrive today. 

Within a year I realized that although I loved what I was doing - I wasn't happy in the organization.  I dreaded showing up to the office, my mental and physical health suffered and I was just plain miserable.  A year and a half in I left.  And that left me at a really scary point in my career: if my dream job isn't making me happy, what will?

 A few months later I was offered a leadership role at a prestigious division one university - the winningest D1 school in history at that.  When I arrived I was invigorated with the possibilities of working with the best of the best and excited to advance my career. 

Very quickly I realized this role wasn't what was promised when I interviewed.  I was bored.  I had less responsibility than advertised.  I was micromanaged more than anywhere I'd ever been - including my time as an intern in college.  I left.  And again - I was at a standstill.

Fast forward six months - I left my job in Los Angeles almost six months ago.  I've interviewed, I've turned down opportunities, I've been turned down for opportunities.  I started a website.  I've been a guest blogger.  I've traveled.  I've spent entire days watching TV.  It's been a really long six months of self discovery, struggle, excitement, fear, risk taking, and growth.

And this month - I'll take a leap of faith and start my next opportunity.  I say opportunity because it is - it's a chance for me to find somewhere I want to put down roots.  To expand my resume and my creative mindset. 

Not a lot of people understand my journey.  Some of my closest friends and family question my decisions and consider me failing in my life.  And that's ok.  That's why it's MY journey.  Part of the journey is not just finding your career or even building your life - a big part of that journey is accepting yourself along the way. 

I am not a failure.  I'm incredibly brave.  I'm incredibly talented.  I'm incredibly high achieving.  I ran division one track.  I got my degree at one of the best universities in the world.  I wanted to be an event planner - I am.  I dreamt of working for a professional sports team and I did.  I vowed to start and maintain a blog - I am.  I moved to a state I'd never been to and didn't know a soul.  I know who I am, what I'm capable of and I refuse to ever settle. 

I'm a success because I take chances, I work hard, I follow my passions and I continue to grow.  I know I'm not the best because the best means there's nothing left to do.  I know my journey isn't traditional.  It's not safe.  It's not even easy to follow as an outsider.  I often have doubts about what I'm doing - but at the end of the day - I don't doubt myself.  Because I don't fail.  I can't fail.  I don't know how to fail.  I may fall, but I will always get back up and come back stronger.

I'm a mentor to some of my former students.  It's my favorite thing about my career journey and the most rewarding "job" I could ever have.  I truly believe in these students and encouraging them to focus on their own journeys.  And to never settle or give up on their dreams.  I continue to remind them that its a journey, a process and its not always enjoyable.  But at the end of the day - it is always worth it.  I like to think that my nontraditional journey serves as a guide for them.  To see that you don't have to do the expected.  It's ok to take a left instead of a right.  And it's encouraged to take the calculated risk. 

Careers are hard.  What you do doesn't define who you are - but it sure as hell shows a lot of your character and takes up a lot of your time.  It shows you who's ok being comfortable and who likes to push boundaries.  It makes clear who needs the 8-5 routine and who craves the all over the place no two days are the same culture.  Personally - I could never understand the tradition of the 8-5, the routine of the annual review with the promotion to the next level at the standard two year intervals - it's not for me.  I need to feel passion for what I do - I need to have the opportunity to break through the standard promotion structure - and I'm willing to say thank you for the chance to be here but I need to move on. 

So I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I know I want to be somewhere long term, I know I want to grow with a company that I believe in - with a team that believes in me.  I want to wok hard every day with people I know want to do the same.  And I'm willing to continue on my often complicated - yet always sparkly - journey until I get to that ultimate dream.  You don't have to understand my career path - and I don't need your approval.  Just know I'm not a girl who settles and neither should you.