They're not wrong.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a really (really) healthy fear of commitment. So when I’d ask people how they knew their partner was “the one” and they’d all say “when you know, you know” I could not possibly roll my eyes harder. Turns out, they were all right.

Before I explain, I need to share three things:

1. I do not believe in soulmates. I don’t think that some person is born to be my forever. I do not believe there’s one true love. I believe timing is everything and you wake up each day and choose each other.

2. I take marriage very seriously. My parents have been married 40+ years and there isn’t a history of divorce anywhere in my family. We stay married.

3. As much as I’m now on board with when you know, you know — I am also very much a believer that you can’t ever really know. Because we cannot predict the future. People change, circumstances change. You hope you grow and go through it together, but you can only be sure in the commitment and love now.

When I met my husband, there wasn’t an instant “he’s it” for me. We met on the apps (obviously), we had really strong conversation and that continued when we went on our first date. I kept waiting for the catch because we connected so well on so many levels. The more we got to know each other, the more he started checking boxes.

When we met in person, the attraction was there (he’s absolutely smokin’ hot, I love that for me) and even more importantly, the conversation translated from text to IRL. He asked me questions, he planned dates, he did what he said he’d do and he prioritized getting to know me without the games.

And while I do not believe in sharing the most intimate parts of our relationship or our timeline - I do want to share that 1. we got very serious very quickly and 2. as much as I had my moments of panic, I have never been more sure of a decision in my life. The time leading up to our elopement, the elaborate trip we took (we got married on Safari in South Africa, more on that in another post), I felt unbelievably calm. I was so calm, people kept commenting about how low maintenance I was as a bride. For me, there wasn’t anything to stress about, the most important piece (our love) was the focus.

As annoying as it is, the whole “when you know, you know” turns out to be true. It’s of course an accumulation of feelings and actions (he challenges me to grow + puts in the work with me + we are aligned on the important values) but it really is this “oh this is what that’s supposed to feel like” moment one day.

I won’t ever pretend it’s perfect, relationships and marriage are hard, but I am so grateful I waited for the right one to commit to. That we choose each other. Because to me, being single isn’t embarrassing or a failure, staying in an unhealthy relationship for fear of being single is. I waited 39 years for the right person to commit to and I am beyond grateful for the timing. 22 year old me, 30 year old me, 35 year old me? We wouldn’t have been right for my husband. We probably wouldn’t have been right for anyone. We barely showed up for ourself.

But I sure am glad, at 39 (gasp, an almost 40 year old bride?! How dare I!) I am in a place to not only meet but show up for the man I married almost 2 weeks ago (overlooking the African bush, so dreamy).

If you’re still waiting, and still hearing people tell you that “when you know, you know” — it’s ok to roll your eyes. But keep your mind open to when that time and that person does come along. And until they do, continue to focus on yourself. On your growth, travel, friendships — live a really big and really full life. Lastly, do not ever, ever settle.

Frozen

I struggled a lot with whether or not I wanted to write this piece. It’s incredibly personal and life changing to have or not have children. As a woman, there is a lot of societal pressure to have children, be a mom, honestly, be it all. And growing up, it was assumed I’d get married, have the 2.5 kids and do the whole traditional family experience. The older I get, the more my dream of the future changes. I’m 33 now, I’ve sort of got to make that decision fairly soon when it comes to pregnancy. Right now, I do not have the answer. So I’m freezing my eggs.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to write this was because it puts my personal decision very out there. This is an easily searchable blog for men I date, have dated, who know me and have considered me a potential partner. To not know what I want, to potentially not want children, that could limit my dating pool. But I’ve got to be true to myself above all else, and my truth is, I don’t know.

I’m really good with kids. I enjoy time with kids in doses. I’m just really unsure if I’m willing to give up my independence to raise my own. I also really don’t know if pregnancy is an experience I want to have. If I do end up wanting kids, maybe I’ll adopt. It’s about a billion thoughts, decisions and truly personal things that I’m considering when it comes to my reproductive future. Really, my future life in general.

I wanted to talk about this because I’m sick of everyone telling me how great I am with kids. How when I meet the right person I’ll feel different. How I’ll change my mind. Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t. The thing is, bearing a child does not make me a woman. It does not make me whole. Choosing not to have children, that doesn’t make me less of a woman. It does not mean I cannot have it all. My all may look really different from your all. I’m sick of the conversations for women revolving around our relationships and child rearing status.

I simply don’t know if I want to have kids. All that says about me is that I’m actively engaged in thinking about my future in a responsible and healthy way. And I don’t give a damn what you have to think, say, or feel about that decision.