Sometimes there is no explanation

I need an explanation for everything. I want to know why, how and what I could have done differently to avoid a negative situation. I need to know.

A mentor and friend recently explained to me something really simple that has brought me a lot of peace.

“Sometimes people are shitty and things are shitty and there is no other explanation for it.”

Period.

I recently went through a bit of a rough patch and found myself in a toxic situation that I tried every which way to explain. I obsessed over my every move, the move of others in the situation and how I could have strategically done things differently. When I explained this to my friend, he simply said “This person is shitty, your situation is shitty, just walk away knowing that.”

And he’s right.

There’s no deeper meaning or hidden lesson here. Unfortunately I was in a shitty situation and I tried my best to make it work but it wasn’t the right thing for me.

Not everything has an explanation. Not every person is meant for you to understand. Sometimes you get stuck around someone who’s absolute trash and the situation you’re in is garbage.

That’s it.

Don’t overthink it. Save yourself the time and energy. Understand the situation and those people don’t serve you, aren’t meant for you and move on.

Process and recognize what’s happening so you recognize the signs for the future, but most of all, move on.

Focus on what’s next. Look for a better situation. Surround yourself with better people. And just make things better.

Find peace in knowing that life doesn’t provide you with a formal explanation for everything. Sometimes it’s shitty, people are shitty, and that’s that.

Now take a deep breath and go find something to fill up your sparkle.

What's your value?

I have always been an overachiever. I do too much. All day, everyday.

When sports ended, I put that energy into work. And now that I’ve decided I don’t want to give my all to work anymore, I’ve struggled with what my value is.

Who am I when I am not overachieving? What do I bring to the table if I’m not trying to be the best at everything?

For a while I didn’t think I had value outside of those things. I thought that’s all I was.

Truth is, I’m also funny, kind, loyal, fun, adventurous and so many other things. I bring so much to the table that has nothing to do with overachieving at things.

And to be honest, what I do for a living, it’s the least interesting thing about me.

My value outside of overachieving has more to do with how I love myself and how I make others feel.

So I’ve focused more on overachieving in LIFE. In the things that really matter. I put that do too much energy into time with the people I love, travel, fitness — things that bring me joy.

And I’m working really hard at remembering that matters more than anything else, creating a full overachieved LIFE.

At the end of it all, as cliche as it is, nobody cares or remembers the meetings they crushed or the projects they nailed. We remember the times we spent with people we love and enjoying the things we are passionate about.

I know most of you are probably sitting here thinking, this is basic life stuff, nothing profound about it!

It’s profound for me, and a lot of folks like me. We are taught to be the best for so long at sports and school and work that we don’t understand the normal way of living. We don’t know how to prioritize things that don’t lead to awards and scholarships and promotions.

Learning to live and enjoy LIFE is new. And it feels counterproductive and goes against everything we’ve ever been taught. It’s a lot to unlearn.

So if you’re like me, give yourself a shot at living life to its fullest. In overachieving at the stuff that fills you up. Start small. It might mean doing something each day that doesn’t contribute to your job. Do a puzzle, grab a coffee with a friend, get a workout in doing something you love doing, cook a healthy meal. The point is to select something that brings you joy, but it’s not something you can “win.” Do it because it’s enjoyable and makes you feel good.

Go ahead and challenge yourself to keep on overachieving — but only at the things that really matter.

Flip the Switch

I’ve always talked about working really hard at balance. At not giving so much to work. At focusing on getting more out of life. I look back on blogs where I said I’ve changed and I really hadn’t. I still don’t think I have. But now more than ever, I feel like the switch in my brain that puts all the pressure on myself has flipped.

I have always been type A. I have always worked hard. I have never known how to half ass anything. And my take it east is often others’ 110%. I just don’t have an off switch.

A lot of that is I think fear of sitting still. It’s knowing that when I stop moving I hear that voice in my head when I stop that says “get back at it.” It’s the fear of knowing when I stop moving, I have to face the things that have contributed to my anxiety and PTSD. And that never felt possible to face.

I’m not sure whether it’s therapy, changing my circle, taking time to not date or always be talking to someone, or a combination of everything but it all feels a lot more possible to face.

Because I’m more aware of why I am the way I am, why I react the way I react, why I have the fears and feelings I do, I now feel more able to face them and make a change.

Oh, and this casual year three of a pandemic might have caused change too.

The switch still toggles, I wouldn’t say it’s completely flipped, but it’s well on it’s way.

I care less about titles and the grind. I don’t think working 24/7 makes me someone to admire. I don’t care as much about making sure I am the best at everything I do in the workplace. I realize my value is more than what I do and where I do it. I want to experience life outside of the office. I want to travel and spend time with the people who genuinely make me feel good. I value making time for my passion projects.

I think I burnt myself out on overachieving.

And to be honest, what have I really achieved that I place a lot of value on?

I’m exhausted. I care less about the things I’m doing at work. I care less about talking about what people do for a living.

And above all else, I have started to notice when I do prioritize work and the way I talk about careers. I started to notice that other people didn’t do these things. I started to see that I was missing out on relationships and events that are what make life full. And I realized how much I let work and my career define my entire mindset and mood.

I don’t want that anymore. I don’t value that anymore.

I will always work hard. I will always value my reputation. I will always want more out of everything that I do.

I think I’ll always be 110%. I just need to redistribute how and when to do so. I can’t be 110% all the time.

I hope that what you get out of this is that if you’re feeling exhausted and frustrated and ready for a change, you’re not alone. This time has caused a major shift for a lot of us.

Sit in it, marinate in it and let it force a change. If you are not getting the most out of life, you need to make changes. It doesn’t have to be all at once, but you have to make change.

Personally, this pandemic, this country in turmoil, it’s pushed me to the edge and made me want more . I’m not sure what that looks like long term, but I have started to finally, finally actively put boundaries in place and switch up my behavior at the office and in my personal life.

It’s been nothing but positive. So I’m going to keep going. I’m going to keep pushing myself completely out of my normal comfort zone until everything feels right again.

I hope you will too.

Covid, Season Three

Not surprisingly, Covid was renewed for a third season. While I don’t think we will ever have any form of a lock down again, I do think many of us compassionate and responsible folks will be spending a lot of time at home, again.

Given we did all the things they told us to do for self care about a year and a half ago, I don’t think the tried and true are going to help. It’s really hard to journal your way out of the anxiety that comes with 800,000 people dying in such a short time. It’s even more impossible for Zoom happy hours to fix the sadness that comes with watching so many lives ruined by police brutality and racism. So what do we do?

I don’t have the answers, I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed myself. But I’m about solutions, so I’d like to offer some.

Therapy

I am a huge advocate of therapy. Professional help in such serious times is so so critical to maintaining good mental health. I do realize therapy is a privilege not everyone can afford. There are resources to help (and again, I realize these aren’t possible for everyone). Check in with your company about FREE or insurance covered option. Check out local colleges and universities who offer the same from students studying to be therapists. There are also community resources for free specifically for at risk and youth persons. If you’re a healthcare worker, many app services are offering free or low cost support. It may take some researching, but there are options.

Get Outside

This has been huge for me. Get outside. Sit, walk, run, hike - whatever level of activity you can engage in, do it. The sunshine, smells and natural environment will help ground you. If you’re in a city, is there a park you can walk to? Can you take public transportation or drive to somewhere that does have nature? Can you put some headphones on with a podcast and sit on your balcony? Whatever small amount of outside time you can get, take it.

Turn off Electronics

Get offline. Log off social media. Turn off the TV. There are so many stimulants lately between news and social media and the news is not always good. Shut it all off. Grab a book, color, paint, listen to music, talk to a friend, walk, drink water, disengage from the madness and find ways to reconnect with tangible things or people.

Spend Time with Loved Ones

If you’ve got a quaranteam, meetup with them (safely). Being able to talk and spend time with the people who fill up your joy is so important during this time. If you can do it while walking, cooking a meal, or something else that keeps you off your electronics - do that!

What are you doing to stay sane in year three?

This One is for the Homeowners!

I’m a new home owner (YAY!) and it is finally time for me to invest in quality home furnishings. I always said I wouldn’t spend a lot on home decor or furniture until I bought a home. It seemed like such a waste to invest when my things were being dragged to a new home every other year.

I still believe in a mix of new and thrift goods. Certainly I’m not about to buy a used mattress, but things like dressers and side tables can easily be found and mixed with some DIY to make a fresh an unique piece.

So where am I shopping? Let’s see the list!

West Elm

West Elm is classic. I love the quality and the customer service. Of course there are some pieces I find overpriced but if you pay attention, they have some amazing sales. Everything also either comes assembled or they’ll do it for you in home. For me, that’s a huge win. I also had them deliver a wrong bed to me and they fixed the issue immediately. I’ve invested in a bed, rugs, a dining table, coffee table, and side table from here and they’ve been worth it for these staples.

Interior Define

I came across this gem from a random Google search. They were having a pop up in my area so I stopped by. I love the quality and the fact that you can customize so many elements of the furniture you buy. I bought a custom sofa in a super durable pet friendly fabric that is a bit mid century modern and fits my aesthetic. With all my customization and a discount, it was under $2500. Couches are expensive so this felt like a deal. I’m also going to buy an over sized accent chair from ID.

Real Rooms

This was another Google find! I needed new dining table chairs and kept finding ones I liked but for around $300 each. As someone who barely uses her dining table. I wasn’t willing to spend that much on chairs. I took a chance and ordered some gorgeous cognac faux leather (you guessed it, mid century modern) chairs. They’re SO well made, SO comfortable and I only paid about $200 for four!

Crate and Barrel

A classic for sure! I have found super simple and reasonably priced (on sale!) small decor items as well as cups/plates/silverware. I like staple pieces to be super classic and neutral. I spice up my decor with the cheaper accent items that are easily replaced when I’m wanting a change. Crate and Barrel is amazing quality and has your everyday classic clean line items.

Amazon

I know, I hate giving Amazon money too, so I try my hardest to not spend too much here, but look, we all do it. I’ve found a ton of great storage solutions on Amazon. As much as I’d like to buy it all at The Container Store, I am not a billionaire. Amazon has some incredible quality organizational pieces for pantry, bathroom and even closet. Often for 1/3 or even 1/2 of the price of pieces at The Container Store.

Local Thrift Stores

I bought a solid oak night stand for $30 at my local Goodwill. For another $15 I bought wood stain and drawer pulls and I’ve got a gorgeous mid century modern night stand for under $50. There’s a similar one I had been eyeing at West Elm for over $200. Thrifting is not for the faint of heart. You have to be willing to invest time and energy to keep looking until you snag a unicorn. But, the amount of money saved and the ability to customize to exactly what you want is well worth it in my opinion.

Consignment Stores

Consignment stores are like a little upgrade to thrift stores. The pieces are more gently used or sometimes even new! Things are more expensive than thrift stores but there’s a much larger and better selection. Really great place to find rugs and couches super gently used if you really can’t swing for full price new.

Use what you have!

I actually utilize my own pictures that I’ve taken on trips and frame them (pro tip: there are some awesome gently used frames at thrift stores!) as my decor. I love that I get to see the trips that bring me joy and it’s a really inexpensive way to decorate. Plus, most of my furniture is neutral so my photos add much needed pops of color. I also have some really incredible family heirlooms, like my grandma’s vanity that I’m re-purposing into a bar cart. I love pieces that have a story and meaning to me, makes my home feel more special.

Where are you shopping for your home decor? Share!

Career Journey, Pivot

My entire life has been about overachieving. When my athletic career ended, I focused my overachieving on my career. And ever since I entered the workforce in 2007, my focus has been to do more.

Recently, I realized how tired I am and how little a title means to me. I am still committed to excellence and I will always take pride in being good at what I do, but I want more out of life than a title.

Instead of looking at what’s next. What title, what company, I’m more focused on what job affords me the most joy. Money matters because my life is expensive, but only to a point that I have the time and space to spend the money experiencing life.

It’s such an incredible shift for me to not care about that next title. I truly could not care less about what I’m called. I want to be challenged, I want growth, I want to be paid what I’m worth and then I want to have the space to create boundaries.

Boundaries are what allow me to thrive at work and in my personal life.

I spent so many years without boundaries. Work was my priority. I set aside a lot of joy to push myself at work. And it hasn’t necessarily paid off. Sure, I’ve held some incredible roles at some big companies. But it hasn’t necessarily put me ahead of my peers. A lot of getting ahead is about who you know and being strategic. Hard work doesn’t always translate to success.

I would absolutely call myself successful in my career, but I would also caution not to idolize my grind because of what I gave up to get where I’ve been.

At this point in my life, I’m taking a pivot to joy. If what I’m doing isn’t bringing me joy most days, I’m leaving. If the environment I’m in is more stressful and unhealthy than not, I’m leaving. And I’m running to places that provide me what I need in life - joy. Joy, respect for boundaries and places I can have most of it all.

There is no having it all, but you can have most of it.

I’m not sure what’s next or what all this sudden change of heart is going to lead to. But for the first time in my life, I’m ok with that.

New Year, Same Sparkle

It’s that time of year! New Year, same sparkle! That’s right, it’s the time we celebrate all that’s happened in 2021 and look forward to the fresh year that is 2022.

If you’re looking for resolutions and declarations of change, this is not the blog for you. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.

2021 gets 4/5 stars. Which is really weird to think about because I had so much struggle with my mental and physical health. But I also moved back to Colorado, where I’ve wanted to come back to for almost 10 years and I bought my first home, something I never thought I’d achieve.

It’s been one of those years that makes no sense. A giant roller coaster of “life is amazing” immediately followed by “WTF is happening.”

I’ve continued the journey of being more open about my mental health, growing into a better version than I was the day before, and investing my time and energy into the things that bring me joy.

I’ve been really committed to the simplicity that can be found in asking “does this make me happy.” If it doesn’t, if a person doesn’t, I release it. If it does, I invest more time in it.

I’ve had a major shift in my career goals. I’m uninterested in leveling up in title or responsibility and instead deeply value showing up somewhere that is healthy and that challenges me but respects my personal time. I want to do big things at home just as much as I do at work. I finally get it.

The theme of the year has honestly been simply to experience the most joy I possibly can. And when I can’t, to be kind, patient and empathetic to myself until I can experience joy.

I have been more selfish. And I love that.

I have changed so much in the last year and I’m so excited about where I am going.

In 2022, I want more of 2021. Maybe less surprise negatives, but certainly more of the growth, joy and adventure.

I want to travel more (pending covid), write more, connect more, share more and be overall MORE. I want to catch more sunsets, log more miles up new mountains, hug more of my loved ones, laugh every single day and chase all the dreams I now realize are beyond possible.

I hope that 2022 brings me a new year filled with all the same sparkles that make me the person I am. And I hope that you get lots of the same.

Cheers!

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...

It’s been almost 6 months since I published a blog. In the almost 6 years I’ve been writing, that’s the longest break I’ve ever taken.

The last 6 months have been filled with really high highs and really low lows. I moved states, bought my first home, fell out of love with a job, had to deal with a past job being very much in the spotlight (and bringing up old traumas), had a tumor removed in my breast - and so much more.

Life became really overwhelming. Blogging felt like a chore. So I stopped.

I blog because it’s a form of therapy for me. When it stopped being therapeutic, I knew I needed a break.

I’m still dealing with some of the heavy things I had been throughout these 6 months. I am however I think dealing with them in a much healthier way.

I’m not sure if this will go back to being a weekly thing for me. I do want to get back to writing, but I want to make sure it stays fun. I want to make sure I’m continuing to focus on balance and not doing all the things all the time.

We all know I love a list. So I wanted to make a list of some of the things I’ve learned in my time away…

1. Rest is not only ok, it is required in order to thrive

2. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you choose to change and grow

3. Your goals are allowed to change. Your priorities are allowed to change

4. The people that make you feel bad in life aren’t your people. Stay away from them

5. The people who make you feel like sunshine are your tribe. Keep them close

6. Be selfish. Put yourself first

7. Life is complicated. Some years are full of utter devastation and intense wins. That’s confusing. It’s ok to sit with that.

8. If you don’t ask for what you want, you won’t get it

9. Careers don’t define you. Titles don’t mean much. You can pivot at any time

10. Your time is valuable. Never forget how important it is.

I’ve had a super confusing year. It’s been a lot of BIG changes. I never really sat to experience all that’s happened and that means I’ve missed a lot of unpacking the emotions with it all. Some days I can’t get over how lucky I am. Other days I want to quit everything and move to a new country. I kind of think that’s life for a lot of us these past two years.

I hope my passion for writing and the words come back to me in droves now that I’ve got a better handle on things. But if they don’t, that’s ok too.

For the time being, we are back to our regularly scheduled programming here.

You're So Strong

My whole life I’ve been told how strong I am. When something bad happens I’m reminded how strong I am. When I am devastated, I’m reminded about everything I’ve been through.

And that’s all true. I am strong. I can do anything. But that doesn’t mean I should have to. It doesn’t mean things are easier for me.

More and more lately, I’m tired of being the one that’s strong. I’m tired of being expected to be that way and I’m tired of being reminded of it.

People that are strong usually are that way because they’ve had to learn how to be.

That’s something that people tend to forget.

And the people that are strongest tend to be the ones everyone forgets to ask about. It’s assumed we are ok. Because truthfully, we always will be. Yet it doesn’t mean we always are in that moment. We struggle to. And we often don’t know how to talk about it.

More and more, I’m not accepting the role of being the strong one. I’m speaking up and those who don’t like it, they aren’t for me.

I am strong, so strong. I am also human. So very human.

An Update

I started this blog five years ago! I know! Since then, I’ve moved three more times, changed industries, fallen in love with who I am, been in and out of relationships — whew — it’s been a journey.

And it’s been so much fun. But more and more, I’m finding blogging a chore more than a joy.

So I’ve made a decision. Instead of promising a blog weekly, I’m going to cut back. I might blog every other week, I might blog once a month — I’m going to blog when it feels right and when I truly want to say something.

I’m finally back in my dream city, working on buying my first condo, working at a company I genuinely enjoy, I’m in love with who I am and where I’m going, I’m spending less time online and more time living.

I’m also chasing dreams that I’ve put to the side for years. Like writing a book. And traveling the world more and more. And connecting on a deeper level with the people that are important to me. I’m cooking more — and genuinely enjoying a healthy relationship with food. I’m working out because I love how it makes me feel — not because I want it to change my body. I’m stepping away from work as my primary focus, and I’m detaching from the idea that my work makes me any more valuable as a person.

I’m living my best life and it feels incredible.

I’m not sure what my journey has in store. But I do know, if it’s not bringing me joy, I’m going to let it go. My whole focus is building a life that makes me happy.

So I thank those of you who have been reading for the last five years. I hope you’ll stick with me as I develop a new relationship with blogging.

Writing is deeply healing for me, and this blog has proven I’ll never be able to give it up. Who knows, maybe published author is in my future…

Until then…sparkle on sequins!