Peer Pressure

The other night I was watching the Sex & the City of the millennial generation - The Bold Type! It features the journey of 3 best babes working at a women’s magazine in NYC. It’s love, sex, friendship, life - all set in today’s times.

The episode revolved around the idea of that in between space that exists in the world of sex and dating that isn’t sexual assault but it’s a form of peer pressuring someone into doing more than they wanted to. The example in the story line (give or take a few colorful details) was two friends who were leaving a party and the male told the female it was too cold to walk home so he asked to stay at her place. She made it clear she didn’t want to engage in anything sexual but during the time they were at her place she felt guilted (new word, you’re welcome) into hooking up with him for a myriad of reasons.  The woman wrote an article on the culture of pressuring women into sexual experiences like this and whether or not the guy in the story is in fact a bad guy. And that sparked a lot of debate in my mind.

I’ve absolutely been there. And I’m not sure I ever really thought about it as anything but a grey area that I probably wouldn’t have engaged in sober or in a different situation, but I did it because I was drinking, felt bad, felt like I owed the guy, etc. etc. Yet today, I’m not sure I identify those men as bad men. I don’t respect them as much as I would a truly consensual partner, but I wouldn’t call them predators.

On the other hand, I think there’s something to be said for pressuring someone into any sexual encounter as a really not okay thing.  It’s pretty damn obvious when someone does not want to take something any further. Whether they say so, seem hesitant, it’s pretty damn simple to ask are you sure or walk away. Pressuring someone and then going through with it knowing you’ve done so, that’s pretty disgusting.

And 'I’m not just putting this on the men. This can happen truly from either gender but I hear about it a lot more within my community of women. There are countless examples of “I felt that he wouldn’t like me anymore if I did’t” or “I didn’t have anywhere else to stay, I thought I owed him at least that." or the “He bought all my drinks.” We all have those stories. Chances are, you also never thought about them as a man who took advantage of you but you may have felt icky about it.

The more and more I think about it, the more I review my past situations, the more I do identify it as really wrong. Fessing up to it as such and working to be better moving forward is a really critical part of the change.  

Like a lot of incidents of sexual assault, sexual harassment, etc. I think this all boils down to needing to have more open dialogue with each other. You might not intend to be harmful, but intent doesn’t equal outcome. Train yourself to have the tough conversation about consent. To consider how the other person is feeling before you move forward. Peer pressure doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy, but it doesn’t make you a good one either.

Career Corner: An Update

It’s been awhile (I feel like I say this every single time) since I did a career update. It has been SEVEN months since I started at Google. Time flew by and at the same time I think about my life in Texas and it feels like it happened decades ago.

Where do I start? Short answer, I’m thriving. I love this job. I love this company. I love this team.

I have always thought that I would have to choose between loving my job and loving where I work and at Google, I don’t have to make that choice.

I’m going to caveat that no, things are not perfect rainbows and unicorns 24/7, but that’s not a realistic expectation to have in life; in any capacity.

Things are really shiny and sparkly though and I have all the boxes checked when it comes to what matters to me in a career.

Growth

Growth is really important here. There are endless opportunities to learn both online, out in practice, and from your fellow Googlers. And it’s all valuable. Every avenue for learning is beneficial to me on a personal and professional level. I have avenues to grow into within this company and those possibilities are endless.

Respect

I am respected. And at any point if I am not, it is addressed immediately and thoroughly. My supervisor has repeatedly had to remind me that I am not in my past roles and she does not tolerate abusive behavior from anyone - within Google or from outside visitors.

Challenge

I am challenged every single day. Truly, I learn about a billion new things each day and there is still so much more I have not learned. There’s no possibility of “I’ve learned it all” here. And the talent pool is so stacked that I’m forced to keep up if I want to stay relevant.

Time

My time is respected. I have a social life. I control my schedule and I’m allowed to say that I’m overwhelmed or burnt out and need support. This has vastly improved who I am as a human being. I’m finding that a lot of my cranky behavior in the past was due to being so miserable and unhealthy in the workplace. I don’t have that here

The bottom line is I’m so happy. I’m so thankful and I’m so encouraged by what I’ve found at this point in my journey. And I hope it encourages you to never settle for anything less than everything. It’s out there. And it’s worth the fight.

OOO

I am currently on the tail end of a two week vacation in Europe. I’m OOO, truly, madly, deeply, OOO. I’m not checking emails, I’m not answering pings, I am logged off and logged into my best me.

My entire adult life I have worked to this point.

I’d vacationed before but never had the balance nor support of my organization to truly log off. Sure, last year I was transitioning roles so there was literally no work for me to do - but had I not been in that weird limbo, I’d have been expected to be somewhat logged on.

But I’m on day 14 of being totally, completely, blissfully OOO.

I’ve traveled all over three countries, eaten all of the food, had all of the wine, and spent time being fully present in the culture I’ve immersed myself in.

And it has me thinking.

Why wait to disappear to Europe to go OOO?

Truly, if my company is providing a supportive environment - and it is - why shouldn’t I log off more?

So I’m going to.

Upon my return, I’m going to make a conscious effort to log off and go OOO whenever possible. Friday at 5, don’t call, don’t write, I’m turning work off.

Work is all consuming when you let it. The truth is, most of us aren’t saving lives. We have the ability to set a standard and say no, I’m taking this time to be fully present in my life and what that entails right now. Do so.

Stop complaining about it and do it. If your current career path doesn’t allow for that, grind until it does. Find the right fit for you because it does exist.

Work is amazing and I’m really thankful that I feel what I do does impact the world, but at the end of this whole life cycle, I want to be able to remember the moments I was OOO. I want to remember eating, drinking, laughing, smiling with the people who are most important to me.

I was to be so wrapped up in my OOO experience that on my death bed, I can physically sense every amazing experience I’ve been lucky enough to have.

What do you want to remember?

Survive & Thrive

I am a fierce advocate for what is right. For civil rights and human rights and women’s rights and all things equality. And yet I carry with me a deep regret over not speaking up in my own sexual assault. I feel shame for taking the easier route and leaving horrible work situations quietly. I often feel fake. Who am I to say speak up, fight back when I didn’t do the same?

I read a quote recently on Pinterest that hit home. It talked about forgiving yourself for doing what you needed to do to survive. 

And that’s what I did. I survived.  

I acted and reacted the way I did in every situation because it’s what I needed to do in order to make it through.  

The thing is, you don’t owe anyone anything and it’s not your job to do the right thing all the time. You have to survive yourself before you can help others make the same choices. 

Its very possible for me to be an advocate now because I learned and I grew and I can be a resource for others.  

I didn’t practice what I preach throughout my traumas because I simply couldn’t. Had I done anything differently, I might not have survived.  

Its ok to cut yourself a break.  You didn’t know. You did what you had to. 

Forgive yourself for all of it. You survived. You’re a survivor. Praise yourself for being able to survive and thrive.  

Trauma makes you relive everything. From the incident to every single thing you could have should have would have done differently. It’s an endless cycle and often feels like you are experiencing the incident itself all over again. 

It doesn’t matter how you survived, only that you did. You do not deserve the shame and guilt associated with how you did so. 

Forgiveness is something you owe yourself. If you can forgive others, you can forgive you too.  

Frozen

I struggled a lot with whether or not I wanted to write this piece. It’s incredibly personal and life changing to have or not have children. As a woman, there is a lot of societal pressure to have children, be a mom, honestly, be it all. And growing up, it was assumed I’d get married, have the 2.5 kids and do the whole traditional family experience. The older I get, the more my dream of the future changes. I’m 33 now, I’ve sort of got to make that decision fairly soon when it comes to pregnancy. Right now, I do not have the answer. So I’m freezing my eggs.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to write this was because it puts my personal decision very out there. This is an easily searchable blog for men I date, have dated, who know me and have considered me a potential partner. To not know what I want, to potentially not want children, that could limit my dating pool. But I’ve got to be true to myself above all else, and my truth is, I don’t know.

I’m really good with kids. I enjoy time with kids in doses. I’m just really unsure if I’m willing to give up my independence to raise my own. I also really don’t know if pregnancy is an experience I want to have. If I do end up wanting kids, maybe I’ll adopt. It’s about a billion thoughts, decisions and truly personal things that I’m considering when it comes to my reproductive future. Really, my future life in general.

I wanted to talk about this because I’m sick of everyone telling me how great I am with kids. How when I meet the right person I’ll feel different. How I’ll change my mind. Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t. The thing is, bearing a child does not make me a woman. It does not make me whole. Choosing not to have children, that doesn’t make me less of a woman. It does not mean I cannot have it all. My all may look really different from your all. I’m sick of the conversations for women revolving around our relationships and child rearing status.

I simply don’t know if I want to have kids. All that says about me is that I’m actively engaged in thinking about my future in a responsible and healthy way. And I don’t give a damn what you have to think, say, or feel about that decision.

This is America

I am ashamed, appalled, angry - I am every fiery feeling there could be towards the treatment of women in America. Guns are regulated less than my body. A rapist has more rights than I do when it comes to keeping me safe.

It’s 2019 and I am exhausted.

I’m exhausted from explaining to other people that as a human being, I am the only person who should have the right to decide what happens to my own body.

I am unable to form sentences anymore to explain why we need to teach men more about sexual assault.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet.

And yet we are the most regulated people in the world. Regulated by men who can never possibly understand anything about how we exist.

What I’d like to say about abortion is that no matter what law you make, abortion will occur. You cannot ban abortion. That is impossible. What you’re doing is compromising women’s healthcare and if you are “pro life (ridiculous term)” you are not supporting life when you oppose abortion. You are simply privileged enough that this does not affect you. No uterus? No opinion. Not one say in this except, your body, your choice. I would like to loudly, proudly, without caveat say that if I choose in my life to ever have an abortion, I will do so. Without shame, without hesitation, without remorse. And I will not allow anyone in my world to bully me because of that. You support me, or you are not in my life. End of story. What is best for my body and my life, will forever be what is my guiding light.

I’d like to say a little more about sexual assault because although I didn’t report it back then, I will not shut up about it now. The most basic rule of life is to keep your hands to yourselves. And yet we are in a time that there is every excuse in the book for men to blatantly refuse this rule. We blame the women. We blame beer. We put people in the highest office in the land and we shame the victim. It is unacceptable and it is inhumane. My rapist most likely does not consider what he did rape. He probably doesn’t think about it. Probably never did think about it as anything but a drunken night of sex with a cute girl in college. I wasn’t drunk. I remember and I think about it all of the time. I think about it when I am alone with a man I don’t know. I think about it the first time I am intimate with a man I do know. I think about it at work. I think about it in a crowd. I think about it when I cannot sleep. I think about it when I am unable to commit to a relationship with someone. I think about it when I tell people that I am a survivor. I never not think about it.

I am in therapy and yet I still consider myself a little bit broken, damaged packaging even because I am a survivor. For years, I called myself a victim. The thing is, had I reported 15 years ago, I am 100% confident my life would have been worse. I would have been put in the spotlight, forced to relive what I went through. Questioned, shamed for my sexual history. I don’t know if I could have survived that, I don’t know if I would have wanted to. I don’t know who would have believed me.

You think women are not capable of handling decisions around our own bodies? We certainly handle the decisions you force upon us every single day as survivors. I have been attacked at knife point, raped, harassed about the shape of my curves because I’m too sexual looking, hit by a boyfriend; and I am here. I am surviving, thriving, and I am fighting back. I am the ONLY person who can handle the decisions that come with the body I was born with.

The absolute bottom line here is that my body is my choice. At all times. And there is no law that should ever be able to compromise my rights to that body.

Mental Health May

May is mental health awareness month and while in general I don’t subscribe to this whole one month out of the year awareness situation, I do want to highlight the discussion around mental health.

It seems everywhere we turn in the media, celebrities, athletes, and authority figures are talking about their own experiences with mental health. And it’s about time. But I want to make sure that we are mindful not to sensationalize mental illness.

There’s sort of been this way the media talks about mental health in a way that showcases the struggles as a true Hollywood story, a tale of sadness and drugs and broken relationships that takes away from the ‘normalness’ that is mental health. Certainly there are some very real and very dramatic end of the spectrum mental health stories but being that 1 in 5 Americans suffers from some sort of mental health disorder, it’s more common to have middle of the road experiences.

I’m talking high functioning anxiety, depression, bipolar - the people around you who suffer everyday and work hard to just exist and get through the day. That’s what I want to see highlighted and talked about in the media.

I do not want to belittle the very real addiction struggles as well as the suicide we see in the world. Those stories are real and important too. But until we are able to openly talk about the in between before those things occur, we are not going to be able to openly combat these issues.

I want to see companies, doctors, friends and family talking about anxiety, fear, depression, pain everyday so that we are able to treat mental health like we would physical health. Where there’s a constant check in, check up, and monitoring of your mind every single day.

I want mental health to be considered health. There shouldn’t be a separation, loop it into overall health and well being. Insurance should offer coverage like they do for your physical health.

For mental health May I challenge you to talk to the people around you about their mental health in a really open positive way. Ask questions, be supportive, normalize the conversation. Stop the stigma, the fear, the judgment around what being mentally ill means. Most of all, I challenge you to dig into your own mental health journey and figure out what it looks like and where you’d like it to go. You can’t help others until you figure out how to help yourself.

Angry Birds

I’ve been accused of being angry in my life. Angry at people, past situations, traumas, you name it. The thing is, I’ve never actually been angry about it. But maybe I should be.

A good friend of mine recently described herself as an angry bird. She’s angry at people for treating her poorly. She’s angry she allowed it. She’s angry it took her so long to realize it. She’s an angry, grumpy bird.

And I sort of relate to that.

I’ve never been angry because it’s not a productive emotion. And it’s always felt like a super negative space for me.

My therapist recently spoke about angry as a positive emotion. As allowing myself to feel angry at people and situations.

The thing is, if you’re not allowing yourself to feel reasonable emotions related to things that happen to you, are you really overcoming them? You’ve got to feel it all and process it all in order to move on from it all.

Being angry can also provide a positive shift in what you allow into your world. If you are angry, you can step in and say that you’re angry, you don’t want to be treated that way anymore, and you remove that negativity from your world.

Being angry is ok.

Being angry means to feel something strong and you’re going to do something about it.

Maybe it’s about time you got a little angry.

Emotional Support Human

One of the toughest parts of having anxiety can be the countless times you feel alone. It’s hearing someone tell you you’re dramatic. It’s listening to loved ones tell you it’s not a big deal. It’s having very intense emotions escalated more by the reactions of people who just don’t understand.

I am one of many who have an emotional support animal (ESA). And I have him for the purpose of supporting me when I am overwhelmed by my anxiety. He’s the best distraction and teammate I could ask for. But as much as he helps me, he can’t talk. He can’t relate. A snuggle and a smile are all I’m getting. Dogs are better than humans, but having an emotional support human, that’s a pretty important part of suffering from mental illnesses.

A close friend of mine also suffers from anxiety. She’s a very strong sounding board for me and someone who often is the only one who understands the emotions I’m experiencing. She’s also known me for 20+ years so she’s pretty in tune with who I am. I have now decided that she is my emotional support human.

Obviously an emotional support human is not a thing. But here I am, making waves. An emotional support human for me is someone outside of my standard toolbox of things I use to combat anxiety. I’ve got medication, a therapist, a psychiatrist, an ESA - I’m doing all of the practical things to manage my anxiety. The emotional support human is my person who helps talk me through my anxiety and emotions as someone who gets it. They’ve been through a lot of the experiences I’ve been through and they’re able to relate to the crazy things I often feel.

As with anything, my disclaimer is that you cannot solely rely on an emotional support human to solve your problems. They aren’t a doctor or even an expert. They’re likely just a friend who gets it. Huge fan though of someone who just gets it when the biggest struggle for me as someone living with anxiety is that not a lot of people get it. It’s trendy to have anxiety but very few people actually suffer from it. Sincerely, if you don’t really truly have anxiety, please stop saying you do. It’s like telling people you have a disease when you really don’t.

Human connections matter. They are literally necessary to survival. Feeling like you relate, belong and matter are so important to mental health and thriving in the world. Find the people who get you, support you, and allow you to continue to grow and live your best lives.

It Lacks Purpose

Maybe it’s because I was trained as an athlete and maybe it’s what my therapist would call my protective layer -  but I have never sat and experienced emotions that don’t have purpose.  

Whats that even mean? It means if it isn’t a useful emotion, I’m not sitting in it. I don’t live in anger unless it can be used to fuel me. I’m not sad unless I’ve got it on a short timer.  

I have always believed that emotions needed to have purpose. It doesn’t resonate with me to just be sad or mad or happy or scared. I want to know why and then how to evolve to the next level.

Now at 33, I have recently learned that this is unhealthy. It means that I’m unable to put things behind me because I don’t fully feel the affects of them. I quickly move to more positive and ‘productive’ emotions to avoid the emotions that don’t create purposeful outcomes.  

So I get that this is obvious when it’s laid out in front of me. I comprehend that not allowing myself to just feel things because I feel them has probably led me to the unhealthy relationships and experiences I’ve had throughout my life. 

All the times I have pushed people away, shut down, lashed out, physically left the state - it can all be traced back to not feeling the feels. And I’ll own that. 

A lot of athletes are trained to sit in this space, so I thankfully am not alone in this unhealthy lifestyle. Misery loves company y’all, I’m not tryna be the only person in this shit show.  

So what do we do? We get uncomfortable. I’m allowing myself (ok I’m supposed to be allowing myself) to have feelings just to feel them. I’m supposed to stop automatically classifying a feeling and moving on from it. I’ve been directed to not limit my emotions to time periods I deem acceptable.  

I’d say I’m failing at this so far. It’s not going to be a quick little transition for me. I get the purpose, I understand the problems it’s created, I’m dipping a toe in, but I’m also afraid of water so it’s  going to take a minute. 

Emotions are messy. It’s impossible to expect them to exist in a scientific place. You can’t control how you feel all the time or even for how long. It’s not realistic. As the cool kids tell me, it’s ok to feel the feels.