Attitude Problem

I have always been the one you can count on. The friend, family member, teammate that always has your back. Sometimes, honestly often times, that means i have allowed myself to come second. Any time I have ever stood up for myself in my family, with friends, at work - I have been accused of being angry, dramatic, a bitch - you name it, I’ve heard it.  

Every time, it stings the same. It hurts to be the one who is strong, and then to stand up and ask for respect and care that I deserve, to only be put down, that doesn’t feel great. Ive never felt I represented any of those feelings, and I don’t care for anyone else telling me how I feel.

A few weeks ago, my therapist asked my why wasn’t I angry? Why did I feel that was an emotion I didn’t deserve? Why do I accept the things I’ve been through as the cards I’ve been dealt in life? Why don’t I get a little angry at the people who have continued to put me in those circumstances?  

I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t have any words to respond to that and I still don’t.  

Part of who I am since I can remember is tough. I am strong. I can handle a lot. So I think of things I have been through as things for me to overcome. To accept and to move on. Someone always has it worse. 

I never understood that I have value and deserve to focus on myself in all of this. Now that I know I am valuable, a good person, and a really good friend and family member - I want to feel respected and valued by the people in my life.

I still don’t know how to be angry about it because I don’t see anger as a useful emotion (which is honestly a whole other can of issues I’m working on, emotions don’t always have to be useful). But I do see myself pulling away from people who have treated me as selfish, dramatic, angry - because those people do not deserve me nor my time.  

The people who have lashed out at me, or who’s first instinct is to belittle me, those reactions have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I notice more the people who don’t check in on me, who only come to me when they need something. I ignore the people who are just looking to take my energy. I challenge the people who attempt to take me down.  

I’m not angry yet. But I’m fighting. I’m fighting for myself and to protect the amazing human that I am. I don’t blame anyone for anything I’ve gone through, but I do blame them for how they choose to treat me and the roles they’ve played before during and after those times.  

Life isn’t fair, I truly don’t think I’ll ever come to a point where I say wow I deserve something better because I’ve gone through worse. But I do encourage you to find your value and understand that no matter what you go through, you don’t deserve to relive those horrible experiences through how others react to you.  

Surround yourself with people who understand life is messy, and you may have a life that’s just a little messier, but they love those parts of you anyways. They treat you with respect and make an effort to be your rock because you are theirs. You might deserve to be a little angry. But above all, you deserve to be heard. 

Ok, you’re right.

When I was little and until the day I graduated college, I wanted to be a lawyer. I naturally enjoy an argument. I like to state the facts, give my speech, and listen to the squad weigh out each side, ultimately agreeing with me. Obviously.  

I can passionately argue about anything. I love the thrill of the debate. And while I don’t have to be right all the time, if you’re wrong, I do have to talk to you about it every single time.  

Until now. 

I want to call it maturity, (I think it’s mostly exhaustion) but I do not have the energy for an argument most days. You think the sky is purple? Cool, you’re right. Want to tell me that puppies can talk? I sure hope so! 

Arguing and having debates has lost its joy for me in most cases. These days, I am saving my energy for the right topic and the right people. I enjoy a good healthy political/social/sports discussion with my squad. But do I want to talk about those things with the random colleague I run into at the barista? I don’t.  

Getting older - and somewhat more mature - has taught me that I’ve got a lot to give to this world. I’m one of the good ones, and I won’t fall into the trap women are taught to live in where I’m humble about it. I have good intentions, love, and light in my heart. I am a good person. 

I want to change the world, I want to help people, I fight for the underdog. In order to be a force - to even affect one person, I’ve got to be strategic.  

I’m arguing less, walking away from the debates more, and I’m saving energy and the good word for times that it counts.  

You want to change the world? Start with yourself first.  

Life of the Party

Growing up and well into my 20’s, I hated being alone. I was always busy being everywhere because spending time alone was a really uncomfortable space for me. I have always excused it as being social and often the life of the party. Turns out - I was also really afraid of being alone and being forced to deal with the scary parts of life.

Being alone meant time to think. Think about all the things in life that were causing me anxiety, depression, fear, self loathing - all the negative things I never wanted to deal with. So I never made time to be alone.  

Dont get me wrong, I am social by nature and when I think of all the things I’ve done in my life, I smile. Did I often use partying and social activities to avoid being alone? Sure. But I also partied because I enjoyed it. And I wouldn’t trade the times I’ve had with some of my best friends for anything.  

I’m talking about the consistent need to always be doing something. With people I didn’t care for, doing activities I wasn’t even that interested in. There’s a difference between social and avoidance. I definitely did the latter as much as possible.  

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve grown away from that lifestyle. Partly because it’s not sustainable and partly because I want to experience everything so that I can maximize joy.  

With getting older and changing, getting help for the things I’ve gone through, I’ve faced a lot of backlash. People call me not cool. Tell me Ive changed. Accuse me of not being fun anymore. Those things hurt. I won’t lie, it’s frustrating and hurtful.  

I have changed. I’ve grown up.  It has taken me until now to actually schedule and value me time. Sometimes doing nothing really is self care. And while people often like to give me shit for not being ‘cool’ anymore - truth is, I’m cooler than I’ve ever been because I’m strategic with my time. I value who I spend it with, and that includes time with myself.

I am so proud of myself for not only being able to sit in alone time and face the scary parts of myself, but for actually scheduling this time.  

You’re right. I’m not the life of the party anymore because I’m probably not at that party. But I’m traveling. I’m cooking. I’m reading. I’m hiking. I’m at dinners. I’m at the ball game. I’m in spaces that I want to be in and that allow me to be fully present with people that matter to me. 

I’m not a show anymore. I’m not the one you look to for the wild antics. I did all of those things. I was the headlining act. Now? Now I’m the star of the show I want to be in, and I won’t allow anyone to try and take that from me.  

Security

For the first time in my adult life, I feel financially secure. Let’s get real about what I mean here. I spent a lot of time working in roles that didn’t pay well. A lot of which groceries do I have to buy and where can I eat Top Ramen? A lot of ok if I pay my rent, I can’t go to the bars with friends this weekend. That’s what I mean by times I wasn’t financially secure. I’ve always paid my bills, I’ve never experienced abject poverty. I am lucky.

But there is something to be said for money buying happiness. I get it, money doesn’t solve all our problems, but having it certainly doesn’t hurt. My life is less stressful because I can pay my bills and travel the world. I can go on a shopping spree and it’s not going to throw me off balance. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I don’t have to worry what I’ll do if something needs to be done for my car. Money has bought me some sort of happiness by removing some of the stresses I used to have when I didn’t have any.

Money controls a lot of our culture these days. In every aspect of pop culture, money is king. Our generation is weirdly about excess and minimalism. I’m even confused about it all. But what I’ve found is that the more I have money, the more I want to save. Oddly having financial security has motivated me to lean more towards minimalism because I prefer to spend on experiences and save the rest.

I’m also more humble and appreciative of the journey I’ve been on financially because I never thought I’d get to this point. I honestly remember feeling like I was drowning and would forever be living counting every last penny to survive.

What’s the point of this not quite sob/not quite humble brag story? Not too sure in all honesty, it’s more of a revelation I had and wanted to share in all this noise about money not being able to buy happiness.

I sort of wanted to speak to the idea that a lot of people - usually people well off, like to say money can’t buy happiness. Truth is, I think in a way it very much can. It can buy you less stress. It can buy you security. It can buy you food. Health.

Bottom line, as we talk about finances and money in our culture and in social as well as political settings, I think being mindful of socioeconomic status is critical. Money can buy happiness. And sometimes, its not even a lot of money needed to do so.

Rather than a lesson, I’d like to say this should lead to some reflection and discussion around money, happiness, and the way in which we look at the connection between the two.

What do you think? Can money buy happiness?

Epic Fail

Because I’ve grown up as an athlete, the idea of goals and achieving them is something I take very seriously. To not achieve a goal is a fail, full stop. I’ve failed a lot in life. There are so many goals I set that I simply did not achieve. As I get older, I’m choosing to redefine failure when it comes to my goals.

Not achieving a goal is not a failure, full stop. Sometimes goals change. Sometimes we change. Sometimes not achieving a goal leads to discovering a new goal.

Alternatively, some of the goals I have achieved, they’ve left me empty. They’ve turned out to be wins that felt like losses.

I grew up being a really good athlete. Best in my little suburban community, always winning. Always chosen for the competitive travel teams. I wanted to run in a national championship race at the collegiate level. Due to injuries I was barely able to compete at the college level. I ran a handful of actual races and endured more surgeries than wins. A national championship race wasn’t happening. But I did learn about my strength, leadership skills, and discipline because of that failure. And those traits have led to a lot of the success I now find in my life.

When I was 28, I earned my dream job. I wanted to work in professional sports and after almost 6 years of grinding, I achieved that goal. And I was miserable. My mental and physical health suffered. It was a nightmare to work in such a toxic environment. And ultimately, it led me to pivot my dreams and goals to look outside of the industry I committed my entire future to.

Goals are so important to have. And achieving them matters. But not achieving them can be just as life changing. Failing might just be the best thing that ever happened to you. Full stop.

Investment

Ok, not that kind of investment. Certainly by 30 you should be well on your way to financial security with a diverse portfolio and a 401K, but this blog, it’s not about that. This blog is about investing in your wardrobe.

I am a self proclaimed discount shopper. I won’t pay full price for anything. But I’m also a grown up. And I understand that at my age, I need to be mindful of the pieces I’m purchasing. It’s time to invest in well made staples that I can build a foundation with.

How do you build a wardrobe that lasts and is also mindful of current style trends? Let me tell you, I’m no style expert. I tend to live in leggings more often that not. So you can trust me when I say this blog is for the everyday woman. Who lives for comfort but also wants to look put together.

1. Find your style

   What’s your style? I don’t believe in fitting any one mold or having to stick to a style but I do think its important to understand what your style is so that you’re not forcing yourself into a trend because it’s cool. Invest in figuring out what works for your body type. What accentuates your frame? Don’t spend money on clothes and accessories just because you like them. Figure out what looks and feels good or it’s a complete waste of your time and money.

2. Spend on Staples

   Spend a little more for well made, long lasting, classic pieces. Clothes you should be investing extra money in are jeans, t-shirts, jackets, shoes - pieces you wear often and that you can pair with different accessories to look different. For example, a good pair of jeans can be paired with a million different tops and shoes so repeating isn’t an issue.

3. Save on Trends

   If you’re buying trendy items, go to places like H&M who make them for cheap. That way when they’re out of style or you’re over them, you didn’t spend a huge amount for nothing. If it’s a piece for a big event or special occasion and you’re not going to wear it again, opt for a more inexpensive option of the piece you’re coveting in a magazine.

4. Spend Smart Regardless

   I won’t pay full price for just about anything. If I’m buying an expensive item, I’m looking where I can find the best quality for the best bargain. I own two gorgeous leather bags that I bought in Italy. The same leather that’s used for big names like Chanel and Louis Vuitton. But because I bought it in Italy, without the designer label on it (it’s just classic black good leather), I paid $300 instead of $3,000. You can also get good quality shoes and clothing at places like Nordstrom Rack that are on sale but well made.

This sounds silly, but create a list of staple pieces. The French often do this to build out a minimalist wardrobe with well made pieces. For example, jeans, t-shirts, blazers, riding boots, little black dress, etc. You know the things you need to have last the stand of time, invest in those. Slowly build up a wardrobe that caters to that.

Plane, Train, Automobile

In my last role, I traveled a lot. Like a lot a lot.  All over the country. I’ve been to almost every state. 

Sure I had traveled in careers past, but not nearly as much as I did while living in Dallas. Quite honestly for the first year and a half of the two years I spent in Texas, I rarely spent time in Texas. 

In my new role I was told I’d be traveling 20%. That’s actually been 0% since I started. That will change some, but not a whole lot. 

When I first started my career, I wanted the travel life. I dreamed of being the businesswoman who was always off to another city. In reality, when I got that life, it was a lot of love/hate.  

I love that I’ve seen cities that I’d never go to otherwise. Who would have thought that I’d love some of the tiniest cities in America? But I also know that I never had the opportunity to commit to a life outside of work in Dallas because I spent time traveling, working, and being exhausted the few times I was in Texas.

Fast forward to California, I’m back and I don’t travel unless it’s somewhere I choose to travel. And that feels good and that feels bad. I miss work trips, but I have the power and the means (shoutout to being paid well, that’s new) to go wherever my heart desires. How wild is that? I’ve never had that opportunity before. 

Its April, Between now and June, I’ve already got a trip to Barcelona, Bordeaux, Lisbon, Porto, The Azores, Phoenix, and Newport Beach. For the second half of the year I’m planning Amsterdam, the Champagne region, Brussels, London, Hawaii, Boise, Nashville, and Phoenix again.  

 I’m traveling for fun. I’m seeing the world because I can. I’m not bound to a quick stressful no sleep no exploring work trip. Because honestly, being a business babe on a plane all the time, it’s not all champagne dreams. 

Realistically, you saw the Instagram version of my work trips. You saw the end product for the masses. You didn’t see the 14+ hour days, the blood, sweat, tears, that one time I got a concussion, the time I was hospitalized for a stomach bug, the time I pulled a muscle, the not eating for an entire day, the sleeping 3-4 hours a night, the family events I missed, the relationships I didn’t have time for, the weddings I couldn’t be in - and those are just to name a few.  

I miss work travel. But you know what I realized I missed even more? The opportunity to define travel for the culture, the adventure, the choice to travel because I have the time and energy to do so. So I’m not traveling for free much anymore, but I am traveling. On my own terms, my own time, and there’s no end in sight.  

Pretty Woman

I haven’t gotten super controversial in awhile, so I guess I’m due! I’d like to just say this and get it out of the way - I think sex work should be legal.  

Pause for the judgmental crowd to have some shock and awe time.  

Are we still here? Super.  

I think a lot of policy and law is made out of judgmental ignorance. There are a lot of stigmas working against us that prevent realistic, fact based laws because we can’t get out of our societal rules learned over years of shock and awe. 

Beliefs around sex start young. Often times the way in which we talk to men and women around sexual encounters is extremely different. We tell women to save themselves. We tell men to just be safe. We make sure women know they shouldn’t have too many partners. The list goes on. 

I find all of that absurd. Sex is not shameful. Sex is not purely for procreation. I do not owe my virginity to the man I marry, just as he does not owe his to me. I am not a slut for any number of men I choose to engage in sex with. Nobody is a prude for choosing not to have sex. Like most things in life - my body, my choice.  

Sex should be talked about more. And that’s what leads me to believing that sex work should be legal. Among many reasons, I’d say the most important is for safety. Sex should always be consensual, safe, and be between people who choose to have a discussion and do what works for them. 

Legalize sex work and regulate it. It’s going to happen, in fact it does, it’s everywhere, make it safe. Tax it like you do any business and provide very clear laws around making it a safe transaction between consenting adults.  

 Illegal sex work is what hurts us. And it goes back to the beginning of time. It’s not something that’s going to go away. Take the power back by creating environments that again are focused on safety. 

In all honesty - I’ve only done a few hours of research on how this operates globally. But financially alone, pimps in some major cities make $30K a week. A freaking week. The money is there. This is a HUGE industry that again isn’t going anywhere. Forget your morals, money alone is a huge motivator to take back control of the market and put the money back into the economy.  

Did you also know that of that $30K less than 10% is spent on healthcare for the sex acts and sex workers? That means a large number of these acts are not safe. And that spreads disease.  

How about physical safety? The attacks on sex workers are all too common. Not to mention the violence from their own pimps. I don’t care if you disagree with sex work, your morals do not justify violence against anyone.  

I believe sex work should be legal. There’s enough test markets to say let’s keep trying it more and more in other places. A controversial blog perhaps, but I like things a little shaken up sometimes. What do you think? Open to the idea or letting your morals get in the way of being a little more open minded?

Me-Tox

A lot of people are out here doing juice cleanses and detoxes to get their health back in order. I’m not really looking to go on a liquid diet or give up donuts; so I’m doing a metox. I’d like to focus on my health too, but I’m generally a pretty healthy person physically. Mentally, I need a metox. Here me out. 

A lot of our lives revolve around technology. At work we are on computers, phones, video conferences. In all other aspects we’ve got social media, cell phones, tablets, television, the list goes on. It’s really easy to get caught up in the digital world and find yourself pulling away from your own identity. 

Social media alone can create intense anxiety for a lot of people. The culture of comparison was literally created because of social media. Between your social media persona and constantly seeing other people setting ridiculous (and often fake) standards - it’s easy to lose sight of yourself. 

So a metox is the idea that you spend time existing in the real world, focusing on things that make you happy and that remind you of who you are in the physical world.  

For example, I love fitness. It’s the best way for me to center myself. When I log off entirely from social media and sometimes even forego music, I connect with the root of what makes me happy. I associate fitness with my drive, passion for movement, and competitive nature. I enjoy pushing my limits and reminding myself of all the things I achieved as an athlete and how much I fought to get there. It’s a next level high that immediately resets my reality. It’s humbling. And it invigorates me, elevated my confidence, it reminds me who I am and what I’m made of.

if you’re not sure who you are or what you’re this passionate about, figure it out. Try a workout. Journal. Read a book. Do a puzzle. Cook a meal. Play an instrument. Do all the things until you can figure out what your thing is.  

Healthy mind and healthy body are linked. Science people. You gotta work on the mind if you expect to have strong overall wellness. A really good place to start is a metox. Log off, sign out - walk away from the gadgets.  

Realistically we are all guilty of being too connected and forget how to spend time off the grid. It may not be an easy thing for you to do. Start small. If you’re scrolling the socials 24/7, set your phone down for 10 minutes. The next time, try 15. The point is to try.  

Recently, the more time I build on the metox, the better I feel and the less I think about my overall reliance on everything technology. I’ve gained perspective. I enjoy posting. I enjoy being on the grid, but I very much value the time offline. It’s a practice though. And it’s repetition that gets you there.  

Forget the detox, get you a metox.  

Ignorance is bliss

I spoke about this in an earlier blog but I wanted to elaborate. I have said and thought a lot of ignorant things in my life. And I feel a lot of shame for ever thinking those things or speaking them into existence. Now on the level of ignorance, I’ve still always been pretty aware. But it’s important to acknowledge that I’ve said and thought things that are wrong and socially or politically unaware.

Why is this worth two blog posts? Because right now society exists in a place of us vs them. We are in constant competition to say what is right and what is wrong and who can be the most woke. There is so much shame around anyone who has ever thought something that is ignorant that I think many people live in fear of speaking up. That is not how we create a better world moving forward.

America is fucked up right now. Truly, I’m not sure how to sugarcoat that or say it in a better way. We rip children from their families. We are killing innocent black men at an alarming rate. Women’s rights are being stripped every single day. Hate is everywhere. And our President is the biggest proponent of this.

I’m all for standing up and saying what you believe is wrong. If you believe in hate, racism, sexism - general bigotry - you need to be called out on that. It is not ok to push these agendas.

Here’s where I disagree with some liberal agendas - shaming people for what they believe. In order to affect change, we have got to say you’re wrong and this is why. And we have to listen. Really sit down and listen and have open nonjudgmental conversations with people.

I am able to be more open and aware because I had people who allowed me safe spaces for questions. I openly spoke my ignorance into those safe spaces and instead of being shamed, I was given patience and guidance to a new perspective. Because those people shared their stories in such a comforting environment, I was able to form new opinions on my own based on hearing other experiences.

Politics and social issues are not a competition between two teams to be won and lost. Everyone continues to lose if we continue to operate the way we are. It’s not a game. Human lives have been lost. More lives are at risk. We need to do everything we can to encourage change as best we can through open and safe environments. The more we create a culture of fear, the longer we will live in this state of ugly. And I am so sick and heartbroken by the ugly I see around me.

I have believed ignorant things. I will probably believe more ignorant things again. I am not a bad person. I’m a better person because I’m willing to learn and grow and become a better member of society through safe spaces.

It’s also really important to me to be a safe space for anyone who needs one. If you have questions/comments or need someone to talk with, please know that I am here for you. If you’re open to growth and being more aware and empathetic, I’m here to help you however I can on that journey.