Shame Shame

Society places a lot of stigma around a lot of things. We are made to feel shame and embarrassment around so many things that we go through.

The thing is, if you take the time to talk to people about a lot of the supposedly shameful things you go through, you'll find that they've experienced them too.

So why do we continue to feel embarrassed? Why do we continue to judge others for the same things we often experience?

It's bullshit. And it needs to stop. The only way in which we are going to get it to stop is to confront it, be open about it, and refuse to apologize for it.

Confront

In order to be accepting of others, you must first become accepting of yourself. Cut yourself a break. When you get in a negative head space, stop yourself. Redirect your thoughts. I put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to my career. I'm type A, high achieving and with that comes unreasonable expectations. I've absolutely been fired. I've spent time unemployed. For me, that's always felt embarrassing to say out loud. It's saying I'm a failure and a loser. Realistically, a lot of us have been fired, laid off, and spent time unemployed. That does not make you a failure and certainly not a loser. Every career journey is different, and for the most part, we can look back on those moments and realize they brought us to the success we have today. Quite frankly, I push boundaries, and some companies don't value that, they're not the right fit for me. I realize that being laid off isn't my fault. I know that being fired was simply a difference in personality. Being unemployed forced me to wait for the right fit. And you know what? Today I'm thriving.

Be Open

Talk about the situations that make you feel shame. When you open up to the people in your circle, you're bound to find others that feel the same shame from the same situation. And when you can find others who relate, you can help feel peace with what you're experiencing. You're also able to understand you're not alone. And better yet, you're able to come up with ways to cope. Feeling embarrassed because you're 30 and single? Talk to your friends who are in the same boat. Realistically, they have probably felt a little self conscious too. Explore why you feel that way. Is it because society tells you its wrong? I'm very happy where I'm at in my dating life, and I'm single. But there are moments where I get that "what's wrong with you, you're 32 and single" feeling. When I talk to my tribe about it, I start to realize the only reason I feel that way is because everyone around me is not single. And the more I talk about that, the more I realize other people get the same insecurity yet are also happy with their lives. The more we talk about these fears with other people, the more that movement spreads and we realize the stigma is society, it's not real.

Don't Apologize

Stop qualifying yourself. Don't say I'm single because, I'm unemployed because, etc. Make a statement and leave it at that. Not only do you not owe anyone an explanation, you're furthering the idea that what you're doing is wrong when you qualify the statement. I'm 32 and I don't own a house. So what? I don't need to explain that to anyone. I'm living my life on my timeline. I don't have kids. I'm not married. End of story. When you have to tell people you're living your life the way you are and then explain why, you're giving power to the shameful stigmas that society has created for you. Stop. The freedom that comes with not having to explain yourself to anyone but yourself is the best feeling in the world. It's given me more confidence than I ever thought possible.

Stigmas follow us everywhere. Society has created rules and plans that we are all supposed to follow in order to do what is expected and approved of in the world. The thing is, they're only perpetuated because we continue to give them weight. But when you stop the stigma and create your own rules, you become the most powerful person in the world.

Destination Addiction

The first time I ever moved away from home was at 26. Up until that point I never lived farther than an hour flight from where I was born and raised. When I made that move, it was to grow. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone. But soon after, I moved again. And again.

It wasn't until recently that I heard of the idea of destination addiction.

Destination Addiction is a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner.

Every time I was unhappy in my current situation, I left. And while I was searching for that next city or job (or quite frankly running from the current relationship), I was missing out on what was in front of me.

Truth is, happiness can be created any time. It's about your attitude and your effort. You're always going to want for more. A better job, better partner, better home - that's a constant. Very rarely do all the stars align for perfect. And when it does, it's very brief. But when you choose to focus on the joy, to put the negative in a box at the side, you allow for happiness in the present.

I think back to times I was unhappy and how I let it consume me. My only focus was to get out. Get to the next destination. And while I won't downplay the times I was truly miserable, if I had refused to allow those parts to take over my entire world, I would have made room for a lot of happiness.

I missed out on events, developing friendships, and new adventures because all I could see was what could be next. You don't get a redo on what you miss out on. I don't get to go back and attend the birthday party. I don't get a second chance with everyone I no longer have relationships with.

Having a longing for more, for better is okay. Allowing those feelings to become all consuming, are not. Being able to understand that happiness is not the next job, relationship, or destination is one of the most critical life skills you could ever learn.

Happiness is possible whenever, wherever, with whomever as long as you're open to it.

It's up to you - do you want to live 75 years chasing the next best thing or do you want to get up everyday and truly live?

Sparkle Vibe Challenge

A few weeks back I posted a status on Facebook that became a bit of a tiny movement. All I did was ask for more puppy pics and less ignorance. And the results were that over 100 people posted pictures of their furry friends to my statement. And I have never felt happier.

Because of this, I've created a weekly challenge called the Sparkle Vibe Challenge. Each week I provide a new topic to Facebook and people have to post a corresponding image.

The goal is really just to make people smile. Facebook can often feel like a hostile environment due to politics, religion, etc. etc. I post about these things too. And I think it's important to speak loud and proud about what is right. But it's gone from discussion to attacks, hateful jabs, and just ugly reactions from people I have grown to no longer care for.

I'm not saying stop talking about things that matter. Please don't ever stop.

But I'd like to sprinkle a little positive vibes into the social media space as well. Sparkle Vibe challenge is my way of building people up and spreading a little sparkle into a space that doesn't always feel so sparkly.

What are you doing to help make your social media world a little more positive when it can feel so very damaging?

Love is Love

I'm really lucky. My first memories of relationship talks with my parents were about equality. From a very young age I was told that love is love, no matter what love looks like for me (or anyone), as long as love is at the center, that's all that matters. It was made very clear that gay/straight/trans/bi were all just different ways to love oneself and others.

I never knew that not everyone was brought up with this belief system. Up until I was in high school, I assumed that we all lived in a world that accepted these as true.

When I started learning about the reality that men and women could only marry, that the term gay was used as a derogatory slur, that some people believed you go to hell if you love the same sex - I was shocked.

I'm straight. I have never suffered the hate that a lot of people in the LGBTQ community often face every single day.

I still truly don't understand anyone who claims that being gay/bi/trans is wrong. The idea that a person can say "I don't believe in that" is baffling. How can you not believe in something that's a reality?

As tired as I am of hearing the hate surrounding this community, I cannot imagine actually being a member of the community and how it must feel to still have to fight daily for basic human rights.

Hate is learned. Alienation, judgment, and ignorance are taught. When I meet people who do not support this community, what I hear is that you don't support equality. You don't believe in human decency and love.

It's quite bold to give yourself the power to say "this is wrong" when speaking about another person's human rights. What a privilege to be able to tell another person who they can and cannot love. How positively self absorbed you must be to own the decision for others on how they can live their lives.

We need to be better about teaching our children that as long as someone is a good person, love is love. It starts in the home. Do not allow hate in your home. When teaching religion, emphasize that only God can judge, it's your job to show love. Companies need to head off discrimination. State and federal laws must protect all of its people equally. Businesses should be open about their support of all communities.

There is no excuse for the discrimination of the people in the LGBTQ community. Period. End of story. Do better. Be Better.

The Feels

I don't remember the last time I cried. In most cases, it is very easy for me to maintain an even demeanor. I can store away negative emotions for years. Because of this, it is often assumed that I am cold. Harsh. Mean. Selfish. I've been called it all.

The truth is - I feel things very deeply. I internalize most emotions for years. I am highly sensitive to how I make others feel.

I am also really terrible at processing and showing outward emotions to the universe.

The truth us, a lot of people out there process feelings differently. Whether it stem from a need to protect oneself or simply just be the way someone is, it's not easy to be the person who doesn't show a ton of emotion.

I'm an excitable human being. I'm full of energy. For me the issue is I'm unable to process and show the sad/angry/difficult feels. I shut down or I go into problem solving mode.

I always considered this part of me as a great weakness. I've tried to force myself to show emotion when it's considered appropriate to do so. But I can't.

I've brought this inability to show emotions to my therapist and what I've learned is that surprisingly, there's nothing wrong with me. I am not cold. Harsh. Mean. Selfish. And it's not my responsibility to change how I process feelings to make someone else more comfortable.

The real hard hitting truth? There's no right way to process emotions. There's no requirement for how to show emotion. And those of us who do not showcase our feelings in a way that society says they must be shown - are not broken.

And those who do show emotion loudly and frequently - are not dramatic.

Instead of trying to fit people into emotional vs not emotional boxes, try to understand how they process their feelings and why. In order to have a successful relationship (in romance, families, business, friendships) you will need to invest time in figuring out how your people tick. And when you do, validate that their way of operating is important.

For me, the best way to get into my heart, is to tell me you know I have a kind soul and I'm wonderful the way I am.

I'll never be the outwardly emotional human, but I will always be feeling the most internally.

Check in with your people who don't give you all the feels loudly, quite often we are the ones nobody asks about because it is assumed we are okay.

And stop beating yourself up because you experience and express emotions any one way. There's no rules for how to feel. All the world asks is that you do.

The Perfect Fit

A wise man once told me:

"When you're struggling to fit in, you gotta find the places that feel like home because they're not going to find you."

And I was shook.

We all spend a good amount of time figuring out who we are, what we want to do/be, and where we fit in the world. I've certainly spent my fair share of time finding myself and I probably forever will. I firmly believe that the moment you don't think there's anything to learn about yourself or the world, is the moment you have stopped growing.

To have the journey of life summed up so simply opened my eyes. I often complicate things with anxiety and overthinking. Having an outsider challenge me to think differently often leads me to gain new and beneficial perspective.

Because I'm inherently a planner, I've had this whole life thing on a step by step plan since I was born. I popped out with a to do list. And yet I've spent many nights wondering where I fit in and if what I'm doing is where I'm supposed to be.

What better way to figure those things out than to simply to what I love and do that every day? I like to read. Why am I not engaging with other friends who love to read and talking to them about this passion? I love being active. Why am I not going to the classes I love with the people I love? I'm active in philanthropy. Why am I not volunteering with other friends who are just as active?

It seems daunting to immerse yourself in the passions that fuel you but when you realize you're doing these things anyways, it makes it a hell of a lot easier to see where you can incorporate others and expand those passions. Perhaps even create a lifeblood out of passions you never knew could become so?

We aren't the generation our parents lived in. Nobody is really joining clubs or active in their alumni groups but we are invested in the things these circles represent. The modern day equivalent is trivia night, class pass, food festivals, and tailgates.

When you look around, you're already participating in your passions in some way. But if you're still not living life the way you want to, or concerned you're not fitting into the spaces you're currently living in - re-evaluate what makes you feel alive and do that. Change where you're spending your time and when you seek the things that make you happiest, you will in turn fit in and feel confident in where you belong.

The Fastest Runner

At this point in my life, I think I'm the only one who's blissfully unaware (or willing to accept) that I've got severe commitment issues. I've physically moved states on more than one occasion to avoid feelings. I've turned ghosting into such an art form that I'm pretty sure our military black ops could utilize my advice. 

In my mind I'm not afraid of commitment. Yea, I'm aware of all those crazy things I do to avoid relationships but in my mind, I've been busy, not met the right person, insert any cliche excuse in the book and I'm going to ninja work it into my life. 

Recently in therapy though, I had a realization that almost every relationship I've put effort in is one that I'm internally aware isn't the right one. And the partners that are potentially great fits for me, I leave those in the dust within 2.5 seconds of the game.

I'm not the girl who dreams of the fairy tale when I meet a good man. I'm the one who thinks well my future plans are X, Y, and Z so realistically because in 10 years I want to live in Bali and open a yogurt shop, we should stop dating now, before we even go on the first date because he lives in California and why would he ever leave California let alone I don't even think he eats dairy this obviously won't work. Right, I know, that was exhausting to read, imagine it happening in my mind. Every. single. time. 

In therapy the more I talked about the men in my life that still have an impact on my heart (the list isn't that long), each one is someone I pushed away who could very well have been one incredible life partner for me. Thankfully, I'm not the type to regret that. It feels big enough that I recognize what I've been doing so that I can start the what's bound to be slow and painful road to recovery. 

I was even able to open up recently to one of those men and both acknowledge and apologize for the way in which I handled things. I'm grateful that we are still able to maintain a friendship despite the past because honestly, life is meant to hold onto people who make you feel good. And he makes me feel like I'm worth whatever crazy I've got going on in my life because I'm a good human too.

I feel like this is probably another one of those topics that the rest of you are light years beyond me at being emotionally mature in. So you're reading this thinking yet again that I am an emotional cripple. And you're not even wrong. I know I'm not the only one though dealing with this level of feeling dysfunction. So for those of you on my level, welcome. Have faith in yourself, keep working towards growth, and know that if I can do it, ya'll can too. 

Are you ready for the ending lesson? Life man. It's all twisty and turny and it's been really dark in the world lately. When you find people who make your heart sparkle, run towards that feeling. Real connections are rare and they're worth risking a lot for. Remember, you get one shot at life, there's no redo when it comes to your heart. 

Everyone I know is getting work done.

As a follow up to my blog titled "All my friends are getting Botox," I've recently discovered all my friends are getting work done. And it's a whole new world of fun I never knew existed. From implants to lip injections to eyelash perms - there are so many new beauty procedures I simply knew nothing about!

I'm a no judgment zone when it comes to getting work done. Whether it's a weekly spray tan or full blown overhaul, if it makes you happy, you do you. Sincerely we all need to judge less and support more. If a tummy tuck makes someone feel fabulous, high five them, give them a "You go" and move on. Your body, your decision.

I just had no idea of all the options out there. Between microdermabrasian, cool sculpting, eyelash extensions, Botox - and a million other procedures coming up everyday - I have no idea what anything is. I'm a research girl. I need facts and stats and detailed descriptions of what's happening, what to expect, and what the outcome will be. That's the single biggest reason why I haven't had anything done outside of spray tans and face masks. 

Now this may be unpopular in 2018, but I kind of like my wrinkles. I've got visible forehead lines, laugh lines, and scars galore. I could probably benefit from a little work. But I sort of like the character those things give me. My scars remind me of adventures and surviving great struggle. So for now, I'm still not ready for anything but a good facial. 

One day the time may come that I no longer appreciate the wrinkles and lines. I may grow tired of the scars I can't hide. And if/when that happens, I'll be doing my research and getting all the work done.

What work are you getting done sequins? Let's talk about it. Be open. It helps educate others and removes the stigma that getting work done is shameful. Humans are beautiful in all forms. Whether its natural, crafted or faked. As long as you're doing it for you, you're doing it right. 

Mental Health Spotlight: Suicide

Suicide has been in the news a lot lately. There have been quite a few high profile suicides of late that have really called attention to this serious mental health concern. I'd like to talk about it as I would any other mental health issue because I think our number one problem when it comes to mental health is a lack of conversation around the nitty gritty of it all. We spend a lot of time throwing around mental health, anxiety, depression, etc. but it can often still carry a stigma. I think unfortunately its also become a bit of a trendy thing for some people, making it harder for those of us truly suffering to get the help we need.

Let me start off by saying that if you truly suffer from a mental illness, it is not a trend. It is painful, confusing, embarrassing, and very personal. Please don't claim to suffer from a mental illness, diagnose yourself with anxiety, align yourself to depression unless you have sought a professional and really taken the time to understand what suffering from a mental illness is.  You wouldn't tell people you had cancer if you didn't, don't claim mental illness if you don't suffer from it. 

Suicide. It's not a cop out. Suicide is not glamorous. It is not always something you can predict. There are not always signs. It's not as easy as providing a number to call. Not everyone seeks professional help.

Like all mental illnesses, each story is different. Every single person experiences their mental health struggle differently. That's why there are so many treatment options and why it is so important to work with a professional to find what works for you. There are resources to assist with suicidal thoughts if you wish to use them. The key is, not everyone is willing to ask for help. Knowing there are phone numbers and websites and professionals dedicated to support, often even free support, is not always the answer for everyone.

So how do we help those who are silently suffering and can't or aren't willing to utilize the available resources? Talk. Everyone is fighting battles you probably know nothing about. That doesn't make you a bad friend or family member. It makes you human. But I do encourage you to check in with the people around you. 

Speaking from experience, whenever I'm feeling down or alone, I don't reach out for help. I'm not someone who typically feels comfortable relying on others. It took me a good 30 years of life to buy into therapy and psychiatry. I personally would never call a help line or look to a website if I were ever feeling very depressed. I remember being in my lowest point in life and truly believing I was alone and didn't matter. That I was absurd, dramatic, even a burden to those around me. Because I'm someone who is independent and easily able to keep myself together, people don't ask me how I'm doing. It is assumed that I am always sparkly, bubbly, and living my best life. 

When we hear of celebrities, athletes, or those close to us committing suicide, we are often shocked. You hear that there weren't signs or they never reached out for help. I'm thankful that I was able to pull myself out of my darkest time and I have found treatment and tools that work for me. Not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone can ask for help. This is why talking to the people around you is so important. Simply checking in and saying how are you doing, and meaning it, is potentially life saving. On top of talking to the people around you, pay attention to them and listen to what they're telling you. 

We are all dealing with our own struggles. It's hard to remember to check in on others. We're busy. Unfortunately, not being aware of the people around you isn't an option in this day and age. Suicide, gun violence, and abuse - are all too common now. We cannot afford to live in our own world if we want to make it a better place for ourselves and future generations.

Lastly, I'd like to provide resources simply because it's a disservice not to when addressing something so serious. 

1. Therapy - check with your insurance to find a professional in your network. Touch base with your HR as well, often times there are a few free sessions available to employees. For free or low cost therapy, please see the NAMI HelpLine.

2. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - (800) 273-8255 

3. Resources when you can't afford therapy: This is a cool Buzzfeed article from 2016 that gives support options. 

Life is hard for everyone. We all experience a lot of ups and downs at different stages. You're not alone. You're not less than. And you are worthy of existing in this world. 

Meditation Monday

Cool, so it's Friday. But Meditation Friday doesn't sound right. I brought you daily mantras last month and this month I'm expanding our hippie lifestyle to include meditation. 

I've always been a skeptic of meditation. I can't sit still longer than 5 minutes without seeing a shiny object and abandoning the stillness for more exciting adventures. 

Recently, I discovered an app called Headspace. It's free for the basic sessions and then you can subscribe to more advanced levels as you progress in your practice. 

Headspace is the first and only experience I've ever had with meditation. This is not an ad, I downloaded the app at the recommendation of a Psychologist that is heavily respected in his field. 

You start out meditating for 3 minutes. And as easy as that sounds, I've got ADHD and anxiety - getting me to focus on nothing for 3 minutes and just feeling my body in its current space - that's damn near impossible. But I challenged myself to commit to 5 days of the introductory course and I did it!

It certainly wasn't easy, but it's definitely been beneficial to me and calming my anxious thoughts before bed. For me, bedtime is where I struggle. It takes me ages to fall asleep and I don't remember the last time I've slept through the night. Taking a few minutes to clear my head before I go to sleep has helped me to have more success in my snoozing habits.

Now I have to be honest, I did fall off the Headspace meditation game for a few weeks while I was abroad. But the cool thing is, it's so easy to catch back up with whenever you are able to make the time. 

I'm a big fan of the specific categories they offer within the app as well. There's sleep, flying, school, work, EVERYTHING that keeps us stressing in the world. 

The best part - it's not a bunch of hippie nonsense that weirds me out. It's simple, straightforward, and just asks you to get in tune with yourself. 

If you're looking for some natural help with anxiety, stress, or fears, download Headpsace and give meditation a try for 5 days. If it doesn't work for you, you've really only wasted a good 15 minutes of your life, and we all know you waste way more time than that tagging friends in memes.