I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

We are going to do Independence day a little differently this year.  I'm all in for celebrating America, but this time, I'm celebrating the independence of the United States of ME.

It's been a year (or like 200 years) of trying to figure out how to be this badass human on my own.  To stand as me, for me, and to not apologize for that.

So this 4th of July, I'm going to celebrate all of the things that make me an independent human being. Big or small - we gonna celebrate them all!  And in keeping with my no apologies sentiment of late, I'm not going to provide an explanation for these reasons I'm celebrating. It doesn't matter, all that matters is that I value them.

I pay my own bills

I've moved to three states where I haven't known a soul

I got the dream job

I left the dream job

I broke up with the person who was wrong for me

I walked away from the amazing job offer that couldn't pay me my value

I expressed my feelings to a friend who wasn't making me feel appreciated

I committed to the hard cutoff 

I said I miss you

I traveled to Europe for two weeks

I have kept up my blog for almost two years

I learned how to schedule self care and stick with it

I got a side hustle, and made it successful

I paid off debt

I found a fitness routine that I'm in love with

I stood up against injustice 

I got educated and took steps towards preventing familial cancer

I've done a lot.  And taken a lot of steps that I'm very proud of.  I've got a lot of goals and steps towards being even more independent, but I'm proud of myself and how far I've come to better myself.

Irrational: Fears and Bravery

I'm generally scared of everything. Flying, spiders, mascots, large crowds, band aids, truly, everything. 

And then I'll swim with sharks. I'll get tattoos. I'll eat bugs. I'll move across the country to a state where I don't know anyone. 

Realistically, we all have these insane fears that truly amount to nothing and then we are incredibly brave in situations we should absolutely be terrified in.

I've got a friend who is terrified of needles, and has about five tattoos. 

I am terrified of flying, and get on a plane multiple times a month.

We are all a bunch of freaks who have these irrational fears and even more irrational bravery. 

What's the point? 

The point is - the next time you're afraid of something, and paralyzed by that something, put it in perspective.  Re-associate your fears with something positive, better yet, remind yourself of the absolutely insanely brave things you have done. Remind yourself of all the times you were really scared, but you did the scary thing anyways.

Find ways to laugh at your fears. 

When you acknowledge your fears, spend time thinking about them, you're fueling the fear.  If you shift your focus or assign a new feeling to those fears, you change their power.  You cut off the source of the fear. Fear cannot thrive if you take away its energy.

And most often, if you are able to manage the fear when it first becomes a fear, you keep it from becoming a crippling life altering presence in your world. 

I used to have painfully intense fears of flying. I would build up my anxiety a week before even flying and I would spend countless hours thinking about my fear and future flight. I would reach out to friends to talk about the fear. I fed the shit out of those fears. By the time I got on a plane, I was sweating, shaking, neon red about to pass out afraid of the experience.

Now - I still have anxiety around flying. But I've created tools to combat the fear. I set myself up for success by bringing books, music, journals - literally all the distractions on my flight. I dress comfortably. I make sure I have water and snacks. I bring a neck pillow. I am so prepared that I spend flights actually enjoying my time more than I do in paralyzing fear. And when I catch my mind drifting to the fear, I force myself to turn it around. Does it work all the time? Certainly not. I have moments I'm absolutely crazy about it all. But I fly so much now, I had to find a way to level the playing field.

Trick yourself. Distract yourself. Take away the oxygen that keeps your fears alive. And don't avoid the fears. Face them head on. Say you know what, this is stupid. You don't own me. And then keep on keeping on.

Fears are normal. Even the crazy ones. What's not normal is allowing the fear to control you and prevent you from living your best life. I don't care if it's a realistic fear, if it controls you, it owns you. And life is too damn short to be living a life of fear.

Daily Mantras

I'm not really into all this new age feel good wellness.  I'm still getting used to the idea of therapy, let alone balancing my chakras, shaking some crystals, and using sage to cleanse my space.  

You've really got to start slow with me when it comes to all this meditation and such.

So I'm starting with mantras.  I've started with daily affirmations/mantras - whatever you want to call them - that give me a positive vibe to focus on for the day.

Obviously I've started with Pinterest to find myself these magical words of motivation. 

Let me share out a few with you:

I'm not sure that my entire life has changed yet - but it's a really easy start for the hippie skeptic that I am.  Here's how you incorporate it into your life:

1. Write down your daily mantra 

2. Say it to yourself to start the day

3. Keep it with you throughout the day and remind yourself of it when you're struggling

That's it.  It's simple, it's purposeful, and it's not too braids and bongs for the common realist.

Get out there and make the day better sequins! 

Toxic Masculinity

Sexual harassment and the way in which men behave have been such a hot topic in the media.  Between locker room culture and the good ole boys club, there is a movement to really define what toxic masculinity is and how we change the way in which our boys and men are interacting with women and each other.  

What is toxic masculinity?  I'm not sure anyone has truly defined it to the level that we have an acceptable understanding of its meaning.  In general terms, It refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, etc.  

With so many incidents of workplace sexual harassment, experiences of women at festivals, and recent acts of violence attributed to men identifying their source of anger as women - there's a lot to  talk about.  And its quite the prickly, sticky, sensitive topic at that.

I hate the idea of classifying men into groups like locker room talk and good ole boys club.  It does a disservice to a lot of men and sets the standard for their behavior pretty dang low.  It excuses behavior as being an inherent trait someone is born with due to their gender.  

The simple fact is that most women experience some level of toxic masculinity at some point in their life.  I'll go so far to say that a lot of us expect it and accept it as part of the burden of being a woman.  It's the brushing up against you in crowded spaces, the unwanted touching, the bold and crass jokes, and certainly the escalation to physical and sexual violence.

So why is toxic masculinity such a pervasive problem?  I know a lot of really good men in the world, so its not a men are awful problem.  It stems from the environment in which our men are raised.  If men aren't taught at a young age to be mindful of the way in which they speak about and to (and treat) women, they become part of the problem.  

As always, I believe education is the root of the solution.  We need to start the conversation with men young.  Teach them as children to keep their hands to themselves and to not be bullies.  In middle school and in high school, start the discussion around consent.  And I believe it should me mandatory to attend an educational seminar around sexual assault and the culture of college life when a student enters the University.  

There's also a serious need for personal accountability.  I would argue that a very large number of men are very aware of what is right and what is wrong.  Holding yourself accountable for the way in which you speak and act is critical for making a change.  And when you're in a group with other men, practice "see something, say something."  

If ever you're confused about what's right, what's wrong, and what crosses the line - have an open dialogue.  It's incredibly difficult to make sense of it all and I'm willing to have the discussion with you should you want to know what it feels like to be a woman in various situations.  

More and more, people are speaking up.  Women are saying "this is not okay, I do not feel okay."  More men are saying "that's not funny, and it's not acceptable."  

The only way we are going to combat toxic masculinity and change our culture is by educating the masses, having the open conversations, and speaking up when something isn't right.

We owe it to each other as human beings to do more and to be better.

For more information, check out Teen Vogue's Wellness Wednesday with Vera Papisova and my personal favorite - Dr. Kevin Gilliland where they addressed this very topic.

As always, do yourself a favor and be aware and informed about the implications of what's happening in the world.  Social awareness is such an important part of our lives and you can never do enough to learn about how other people in the world experience their daily lives.  Diversity and gettign out of our comfort zone is how we are eventually going to get to the equality we deserve.

Inspiration Everywhere

Today I want to celebrate the people in my world who inspire me.  I don't think we look around at the people in our world enough and give them credit for the role they play in our lives.  Certainly we get complacent in our routines and although we appreciate the humans that make up our tribe, we may not always consider why they're a constant force in our days.  

For the purpose of this blog - because you don't know any of these people, I'll use initials.  

GC (Friend) - GC passed in 2013 of breast cancer.  She inspires me everyday to never settle, take risks, and never stop laughing.

KH (My Aunt) - My aunt passed away in March of this year.  She was vivacious, passionate about giving back, and always treated you as if you were the most special person in the world.  She inspires me to be kinder.

CC (Friend) - CC is a friend I've known since we were little tiny sequins.  She is accomplished, constantly working on herself, and has recently committed herself to traveling the world.  She inspires me to cut people a break and to continue to put myself out there.  

KM (Friend) - KM is part of my girl tribe.  She lives life with an open heart.  She inspires me to let my guard down and keep my heart vulnerable.

JR (Friend) - JR is also part of my babe tribe.  She is a risk taker and an advocate.  She inspires me to be a strong woman and to take chances on my dreams.

BDS (Best Babes) - The BDS is my girl gang.  There are 5 of us.  These women are accepting, loving, supportive, and nonjudgmental.  They inspire me to love myself.

My Family - I have a large family.  We are all quite unique (thank goodness for that).  Each one inspires me in a different way but overall, these people inspire me to rely on others.  To never let myself be alone.

JK (Friend) - I met JK when I moved to Dallas.  She's a creative.  She's also in tune with her feelings.  She inspires me to not be ashamed of the way I feel.  And to talk about it more.  

DB (Friend) - DB and I met at work.  She celebrates everything.  She inspires me to celebrate more and to never need an occasion to make someone feel important.  

AO/SG - My Dallas work tribe. These women are brilliant, hardworking, kind people. They inspire me to keep learning and to never doubt my skill set. 

PH (My Cousin) - PH is my baby cousin. He recently lost his mom. He is the smartest person I know, the kindest and most loving family member. He inspires me to challenge myself in all the ways I’m afraid to challenge myself. 

KC (BFF) - KC can survive and thrive anywhere. He doesn’t judge. He doesn’t stress. He’s my hype man. He inspires me to know my worth.  

KW (Friend) - My Girl is fierce. She is the best mom. She works hard. She inspires me to be my authentic spicy sassy self because there’s nothing wrong with a bad ass woman with a big heart.  

Obviously there are A LOT of people who inspire me, not all listed here.  The point is, I'm surrounded by some incredible human beings.  

Do yourself a favor and think critically about why the people in your world exist there.  It will give you a greater appreciation for the real ones, and potentially a way to cut the ones loose who don't deserve your time.  Who inspires you everyday?

Global Lady of Leisure: A Recap

Well, Europe came and went and I am now back to my peasant life of the 9-5 job in Dallas. Obviously the trip was incredible. As if we had any doubts. Here's my recap for all you global travelers out there:

Remember, my travel style is local. It's not important to me to eat at super fancy restaurants. My goals are to immerse myself in the culture as much as possible! 

Paris

When I first got to Paris, I thought it was super overrated. It's a bit dirty on the outskirts and sort of chaotic. But the more time I spent there, the more I fell in love. We stayed in the heart of Paris, near Notre Dame. And at its core, Paris is far from dirty. It's certainly busy, but in a way that gives you energy. 

Must See: Notre Dame, Luxemborg Gardens (take a bottle of wine and a baguette!), Louvre 

Overrated: Eiffel Tower (go see the park, but honestly waiting in line and going up wasn't impressive), Love Bridge (they're starting to remove all the locks)

Where to Stay: Air BnB. It's the best way to live like a local and explore the city. I'm obsessed with where we stayed and would absolutely stay there again.

Where to Eat: Le Lutece, Le Paradis de Fruit, Le Petit Medicis

Monaco/Monte Carlo

I absolutely loved Monaco/Monte Carlo. My favorite meal of the trip was in this tiny little sunken restaurant in an alley in Monaco. It's a very clean area of Europe and we arrived right after the Grand Prix so we got to see all the cool setup without the crowds.

Must See: Monte Carlo Casino, Palace at Monaco. Walk from Monaco to Monte Carlo and back. It's hilly, but gorgeous and gives you the full views. 

Overrated: Monte Carlo Casino. It's not the same glitz and glam it used to be. Go see it, snap the photo, but other than that, it's not worth your time. Aquarium of Monaco. I'm from California so I've gone to the Monterrey Bay Aquarium many times. Nothing else compares. Wasn't worth the $16.

Where to Stay: We stayed at a Marriott a block outside of Monaco. If you have points, I highly recommend using them here and springing for the ocean view. It was nice to have a normal sized shower and A/C at a hotel. 

Where to Eat: The best pasta I had on the entire trip was at La Taverneta. 

Nice

Surprisingly Nice was my favorite stop of the trip. We stayed here as a last minute sort of pit stop and ended up falling in love with the beach, the food, and the town square. If I could do the trip over again I'd dedicate at least 4 days here.

Must See: The town square area where the farmer's market is and the majority of the local restaurants is stunning. Just go walk around here and if you're staying longer than 2 days, go to the market for the best fresh fruits, veggies, cheese, and fish and cook yourself a local meal.

Overrated: The main strip of restaurants right before old town are so awful and really touristy. Walk on by this area directly to old town. 

Where to Stay: Highly recommend the Air BnB we stayed in. 2 blocks from the private beach we loved and in a super safe building/area. 

Where to Eat: Di Piu (huge portions, really good food), Bistro DiAntoine, Farmer's Market! 

Amalfi Coast

Everything here looks as it does on Pinterest. Seriously. My favorite village was Positano hands down but I also really enjoyed where we stayed in Amalfi itself. They're all sleepy coastal towns with cobblestone roads and breathtaking views. It was also significantly less expensive here than France. 

Must See: Hike to Ravello (extremely difficult, we didn't make the entire 6.5 miles, but the views are incredible and its quiet), Positano, Do a boat trip around the area (best part of the trip)

Overrated: Capri, Salerno

Where to Stay: Air BnB is significantly cheaper than any hotel. The one we stayed at was the perfect location, it was huge by European standards and had one incredible patio. I'd stay in Positano if I were to do it again. 

Where to Eat: Il Tari, Lo Smeraldino, Stella Maris, Restaurant Marina Grande 

Rome

Rome is incredible. As a history nerd, I couldn't get enough of the history of everything around us. You literally see the modern world built on ancient Rome. It's an incredible place to go if you love to learn. Not to mention the food is divine and its the easiest city to navigate. 

Must See: Colosseum, Cesar's Compound, honestly just walk everywhere you can

Overrated: Trevi fountain

Where to Stay: Hotels here are insane expensive, again, do Air BnB. The place we stayed was HUGE and had an incredible private patio. It was also super cheap for what we got. Amenities were decent and service was just OK. The location was great though, I'd stay again purely for the size, patio and location.

Where to Eat: We got lucky and got into this tiny restaurant off an alley that is literally booked for weeks straight. Plan in advance and get reservations to Osteria Barberini. Hands down best service we ever had on the trip and the food is to die for. Very fresh and very local. 

Tips for Overall Travel

My number one tip, research. I'm a planner by nature. I was lucky enough to travel with one of my best friends who had previously planned a similar trip so she knew a lot as well. Basically, you're not going to Vegas. Understand that traveling abroad is an undertaking so educate yourself as much as possible so that when you're there, you have time to enjoy.  

Transportation: Norwegian Air. Buy the regular peasant class and bid for an upgrade. In Europe fly EasyJet. It's cheap, it's easy, and its comfortable. The train is also an awesome way to get around Italy and wasn't too difficult to navigate. Otherwise, walk as much as you possibly can in the cities you stay in. It's the best way to see the sights as a local. 

Lodging: Air BnB is so easy in Europe and the best way to live like a local. You often find really good local tips where to eat and what to do when you ask your hosts. You also get to meet locals this way! 

Finances: Get Euros in advance. Most places take card, but you really would do better to have Euros just in case. It also makes you stand out less! Please do not try to split bills either if eating with others. It’s rude. Also, nobody tips in Europe. If you do for exceptional service, it’s more like 10%. 

Packing: I did everything in a carry on. Highly advise doing this to make it easier to get around. Most places have a washing machine you can use as well for free. I'm not a backpacking girl so some of you may be able to do a big backpack for this trip, but I'm a hard case roller bag kind of girl.

Language: Learn the basic phrases for whatever countries you go to. It's important to respect the culture and country you're visiting. Please don't be like our President and make us look like asshole Americans. Learn please, thank you, and basic travel phrases like where's the bathroom and how to ask for water. 

Bottom line? Epic trip. Can't wait to keep adventuring. Stay tuned for what's next, we are thinking a yacht trip!

Haunting Season

My whole life has revolved around goals.  And plans.  And the idea that life is not meant to be wasted.  You must achieve, check off the boxes, and maximize success everywhere.  

Because of this, I'm constantly living in this world of feeling haunted by failure.  By a feeling of not having accomplished enough.  

I'm haunted by not hitting milestones.  I'm haunted by things I should have.  I'm haunted by the what if's.  

Obviously, if you've been reading my blog religiously, you know I've worked really hard to combat this idea of the perfect plan.  And realistically, a lot of the standard life milestones aren't even things I want for my life.  But there are those days when I feel haunted nonetheless.  

We exist at this weird time where the generation before us bought into the traditional plan but our generation is all about the nontraditional path.  

So how do you combat the haunting blues?  Honestly, I'm not sure if you should.  I think the best thing you can do is let them happen, understand the source of where they're coming from, and then move on with what makes you happy.

Great, easy enough but can you get a little more specific Ashley?  Because it's truly not that easy at 2AM on a Saturday when you're convinced you're a complete failure, a little intoxicated, and a lot of unsure how to come back from it all.  I feel you.  I've been there.  A lot.  

Something that haunts me often is my romantic status.  Growing up and well into my 20's, I was always attached to someone.  I assumed I would be married by 30 because that's the plan.  The more I realized I'd never actually been alone, the more I took a good look at the unhealthy relationships, the more I saw that I didn't in fact know what I wanted in a partner - the more I knew I needed to be completely single.

But now I'm 32.  I have moments where I think I'll never get married or I'll be SJP Sex & the City style and have my wedding at 45 - and I freak TF out.  I spiral into thinking did I miss the one for me?  Am I ever going to meet a man I can stand for longer than a week?  Am I destined to be single forever?  And down the rabbit hole we go.

Lately - I've even spent time missing someone I never even fully committed to.  Ill sit here and convince myself I should put myself out there, give it a chance, reach back out.  

But then I stop myself and I start to take charge.  I listen to the root of my fears and start to realize I'm freaking out because of feeling out of control in other aspects of my life.  That this in fact has nothing to do with my romantic situation at all.  I am looking for areas to find control in order to avoid the lack of control in the other chapter of my life.  Because realistically, I am quite content with my romantic status.

The sooner I'm able to understand the reason behind my psychotic hauntings, the sooner I'm able to get perspective and stop them altogether.  And the sooner I can go back to focusing on what I'm passionate about.

We are all haunted by this plan we (or society, or our parents, or whomever) create for ourselves.  Quite often we give ourselves unnecessary heart attacks because we think we aren't meeting these plans.  Take the time to feel the fears, diagnose where they're coming from,  and then refocus on what's important to you.  It's ok to be haunted, it's not ok to live in fear.  Failure isn't defined by milestones, it's defined by how much you allow fear to rule your life.

Burden to Bear

I have had a very full life.  Lots of twists and turns.  I've experienced my fair share of the highs and lows.  And while I think that's relative considering a lot of people go through a lot of things, I have been told I carry a lot of baggage.  

Somewhere along the line in life, I developed baggage as a negative connotation.  And because of my baggage, I've built a wall because I don't want to burden anyone else with my baggage.

That all sounds very simple, but for someone who isn't the most in tune with my feelings, this is a big revelation.  

I started to think back to relationships and friendships and quickly realized I push people away, I'm slow to trust, and I pick people that aren't the right fit.  

I've known some of my best friends for 20+ years and very few of them know some of the pieces of me that make me who I am.

I've dated perfectly wonderful men and found every excuse in the book to walk away, quite often leaving the state entirely.

Certainly I'm not the only human who carries a colorful past.  So what is it about carrying these burdens that makes us feel like they're only ours to carry?  And why do we feel like the people who love us can't carry part of that weight for us?

I have a fear of being let down. I am also starting to realize I may feel some self consciousness for the things I have dealt with in life and worry that the people important to me won't want to stay in my world because of them.  So instead of sharing my story with the people who matter the most, I internalize and I carry these burdens alone.

What I think we fail to realize when we don't share our puzzle pieces with others is that it can be very hurtful to those people.  When you share the parts of you that make you who you are, you're giving a lot of trust to that person.  You're saying I value you, I want you to know who I am and I respect the relationship we are building.  

One of my closest friends in the world told me about two years ago that I don't ever tell the group about my past and the things that go on in my life.  That I always seem to have it together, never needing anyone.  She explained that it made her feel less important to me.  Obviously this was never my intention.  I actually never considered this because I was so focused on not making anyone else carry my stuff that I couldn't see any other perspective.

While I still don't think everyone needs to hear my story, and not everyone deserves to hold some of my pieces, I do see that sharing those parts of me are how I am going to be able to develop the most meaningful relationships in my life.  

Being vulnerable is hard for everyone.  And for people who don't know how to manage their feelings in a healthy way, it is often crippling.  I have had moments that I've shared parts of who I am with someone and then worried about them having that knowledge years down the road when we are no longer in each other's lives.  

The thing is - part of finding the best people is being able to risk opening up to them in order to know they are your people.  You can't hold back your pieces and hope to find your circle.  You have to tell your story, even slowly, to others in order to find that connection. 

It's quite frankly, a very long work in progress for me.  Even realizing that I am this way was a lot to comprehend.  But I think I'm a good human being, deserving of the best and most full relationships.  And in order to have those, I've got to put in the work to develop them. 

If you're missing the right kinds of people, relationships, and connections in your world - take a look at the way in which you exist within those partnerships.  Are you doing your part to share who you are?  Are you making yourself open to the possibility of truly real support systems?  

People are resiliant. They're strong.  They can carry a lot. And if you mean a lot to someone, they're going to want to help hold your baggage.  Because baggage isn't always bad. Baggage can often take you to the most amazing places if you're willing to be open to the possibilities.

Dating in the South

Now that I've been here a year and a half, I think it's safe for me to talk about my adventures dating in the South.

I'll start off by saying my dating has been sporadic.  I have traveled a lot for work and for fun and honestly for awhile wasn't in a place to commit myself to anyone in a serious way.  I was briefly hung-up on a faraway situation, busy figuring myself out, and really haven't met a lot of men that I had interest in getting to know.

I did however do a brief stint on the dating apps and let me tell you, what a time to be alive folks.  In the South, I swiped right maybe 1 out of 50 men.  Here's the most common men I found in Dallas:

• The Uptown Frat Guy: This is the Dallas version of the Scottsdale thirty thousand dollar millionaire.  He is 30. He makes 30 grand a year. Spends thousands at the bar. Still yells out frat chants and chugs Bud Light.
• Dedicated Conservative: Heavily supports 45. States "If you're a liberal snowflake and hate freedom, swipe left" on his profile 12 times. Profile pictures include at least four carrying different guns. Three of five outfits include American flag bandannas.
• Ranch Boy: All photos are of him and his hunting trophies. No profile description. Simply states "Ranch boy. True Texan." Likely has never left Texas unless it was to go to the Indian Casino one hour North in Oklahoma. Will be your huckleberry.   
• Dallas D Bag: Isn't here to waste time. Brutally honest. Doesn't want to play your games. Photos are gym mirror selfies. Your filters are a deal breaker.

I know that you can basically drop these descriptions into 100 other cities in America, but I'm telling you, I did not have these issues in California.  If I'm ranking dating in all the states I've lived, I'm formally committing to:

1. Colorado
2. California
3. Arizona
4. Texas

Done. No room for discussion. Scientifically accurate.

Back to Texas. I have been on a handful of dates in Dallas. I think I had one guy turn into a two date situation before I got bored and moved on.

Here's the thing. I'm a born and bred California girl.  I'm socially pretty liberal. Fiscally, a bit conservative. I'm a feminist. I'm independent as all hell. I'm loud. Opinionated. Full transparency, I'm extra (DUH). One might call me the opposite of a Southern Belle. 

So the men here, they probably don't like me either.

In fact the only man I was into as a potential long term suitor was - drum roll please - originally from California.  

OK OK - stop hating on Texas already!  We get it, you're not Southern! I have actually really enjoyed my time in Texas. I made friendships that will last me a lifetime. I created a profitable side hustle. I discovered this wildly confident adventurous side of myself I had never met before. I think I'm doing Dallas in the best way I can.

But as a West Coast babe, dating is simply done differently than I am used to. I thought it would be more Southern gentlemen and wealthy oil billionaires. Instead I found it a bit antiquated and immature. Perhaps I met the wrong men. I certainly didn't dedicate much time sourcing out the best fit. I also met plenty of men I really enjoyed being friends with. And partners of friends who are legitimately some of the best men I've ever met. 

Back off me and my negativity about my Southern dating experience. I was half hearted in my attempt. I may have been carrying a misguided flame for a California man. Either way - it's my truth. 

Well - it's my truth so far...

Loyalty

I am inherently loyal.  But not regular loyal, ride or die don't ask questions loyal.  The problem is, that generally extends to every aspect of my life.  And realistically, that's not how life works.

It's extremely critical to have limits to loyalty.  To understand the places loyalty is important and where I should extend my loyalty to myself.  More often than not, being this loyal is a rarity.  Most people understand the boundaries and maintain loyalty in a healthy way.  Me being me - I'm extra about it.

Being loyal to the max can cause me to often be hurt by people and situations and that's on me.

For example - in the workplace, I often feel I owe something to someone and will take less than I'm worth, work too hard and overall lack proper work/life boundaries.  

In my personal life - I give too much of my time, energy, and sometimes physical resources for people who just aren't willing to do the same for me.  

The result of this is that I am drained, disappointed, and anxious.  All of which could be avoided if I learn boundaries.

Something my therapist has been teaching me is saying no.  No explanation.  Just no.  As simple as that seems, that's just not easy for me.  It's not out of a need to people please.  It's out of loyalty and a feeling that it's my job to be everything to everyone.  

Real talk - I'm not a superhero, I can't do it all.  It's arrogant and naive to think I can.

Many times when a situation is uncomfortable or an avenue in which my loyalty is being taken advantage of - I can feel it in my gut.  I know it's happening.  I know saying yes will only bring me anxiety and regret.  And yet, I say yes.

But what I've learned is I've allowed my loyalty to control me so much I am literally burning myself out to the point of exhaustion.  I have no other choice but to make a change or it's about to be Britney Spears 2007 in my world.

Saying no in principle seems super easy.  In practice, it's weird.  It's awkward.  It gives me the hives.  

So I'm starting small.  Like really small.  Things you probably think and do every single second of the day and you're like "this girl is bananas for not doing this."  But no judgment zone people.   

I'm saying no to plans.  No to helping people.  No to situations that don't aid in my health.  

And the guilt for that is mad real.  But in the end, what other choice do I have?  Why should my happiness and health take a backseat to anyone else?

If you're struggling with the same issues, may I suggest some small steps for starting your journey to living loyalty in a healthy way?

• Practice saying no.  Don't want to meet a friend for dinner?  Don't.  And don't give an explanation.  
• Make plans for yourself.  And don't cancel on yourself.

That's it.  But if you're like me, those are two really huge places to start and will provide you enough of a challenge that it won't come easy.  

And my sequins, remind yourselves that YOU are deserving of the loyalty you so freely give to everyone and everything in your world.  You owe it to yourself to give loyalty to your mental and physical health and most of all loyatly to living your best, happiest life.