Where You're Going

I see a lot of people who like to make it very clear they came from nothing.  That they didn't have family money or support.  That they truly started from the bottom, now they here (shout out to Drake).  And that's admirable for sure.  I dig people who create their own success.  

Here's the thing.  I come from a privileged background.  I didn't start from the bottom.  I started from a place where I damn well should succeed.  I have two loving parents.  A very nice home in the burbs.  I've never wanted for anything because even in times of struggle, we never worried about where our next meal came from.  

I recognize and am thankful for that privilege.  A lot of people have to work hard simply because they were born into a different life.  But I don't think my success is in any way less impressive or tarnished because I wasn't born into great struggle.  

Quite frankly, it's not a competition.  My success recognizes your success.  I don't have to prove to you that I did this thing any certain way.  I don't apologize for having a kick ass support system.  My struggles and road blocks are none of your business.  My levels of success are none of your business.  

I am in full support of recognizing that privilege is a thing.  It's actually mind boggling when people claim it's not.  I certainly had a bit of an easier go being born white in a  middle class world than a black woman born into a low socioeconomic life.  

What I won't own is feeling bad for my success.  Or feeling like my success means less because of my privilege.  Or that I owe someone something for my success because I achieved success in a privileged world.  

If you came from nothing and made it big, you damn well yell it from the rooftops.  If you came from the elite and worked hard and all your dreams came true, buy a billboard and tell the world.  

I want to hear about your success but I want to also hear about where you're going.  I want to hear about your success in relation to YOU.  Not in relation or compared to someone else.  Everyone suffers.  Everyone has moments they're at their rock bottom. Everyone's story is different.  Money doesn't equal happiness.  Being born into great privilege doesn't guarantee your ultimate success. And being born into abject poverty doesn't guarantee your failure.   

Define your journey for YOU.  Compare your future to where YOU are and where YOU want to go.  Your success and failures are a direct result of YOU.  YOU.  Nobody else but YOU.

Diary of An Anxious Person, Again.

A much anticipated update on my anxiety.  This ones a new one for me.  I thought I was doing really well.  Thriving even.  But both my psychiatrist and therapist (it takes a village ya'll) pointed out that I've actually been compartmentalizing everything instead of letting myself deal with it.  

So while I thought I was over here growing and managing my mental health, I have been in fact been doing the opposite.  Womp, womp.  

This became especially evident to me a few weeks ago when I went from feeling at ease 98% of the time to all the sudden feeling overwhelmed, emotional, and exhausted.  

While explaining to my psychiatrist how exhausted I've been and how unmotivated I've felt, she broke down everything I'd been dealing with in the past month.  And she asked how I expected not to be exhausted from any one of those things, let alone all of them at one time?  

It truly stopped me in my tracks.  And the more I took inventory of each thing, the more I understood I had been pushing them aside instead of facing them head on.  

I have a feeling I'm not the only person who does this.  It's probably quite common for Type A folks in the world.  We are in constant survive and thrive mode so we set aside the pain or the problem to focus on the end goal.

How do we stop it?

Take Inventory

Check in with yourself.  And seriously check in.  Be honest about how you feel and what's weighing on your mind.  Are you acting differently?  Is your routine different?  When's the last time you took time to do nothing?  When did you last practice self care?

When I got honest with myself I realized I was extra busy lately.  I wasn't taking time for self care.  I wasn't sleeping.  I was sad and exhausted.  I didn't want to be around people.  All signs of me not being my normal sparkly self.  

Commit to Serious Self Care

Figure out what self care looks like for you.  Is it reading?  A workout?  Time with friends?  Walks on a trail?  Sleep?  Figure out what calms you and resets you and leaves you feeling your best.

I suck at self care.  I'll think I've had a nice relaxing me weekend and then reflect back and really all I did was run errands and take care of life chores.  I don't sit still, I constantly work, and then I'll be like "why am I so exhausted?"  Because you're an idiot and did NO SELF CARE ASHLEY.  Be honest again, are you taking care of yourself or half assing it?

Talk to Your Circle

Ask your friends if they're noticing that you're acting different.  Ask them how they see you taking care of yourself.  Talk to them openly n a safe space to give you their observations of you.

I didn't really take all of this seriously - even after medical professionals told me - until a close friend approached me about it.  She said I was acting different, I wasn't taking care of myself, and she was concerned.  Having someone I talk to all day and see throughout the week tell me they observed these things really opened my eyes.  

Mental health is so critical.  I can't say it enough, get help.  Get in tune with yourself.  Prioritize your mental health.  You've got one life.  Don't waste it in a dark place for very long.  Do the work to get the most out of this awesome world we live in.  

A Woman's Burden

Being a woman is a lot of seeing and experiencing things that range from mildly uncomfortable to wildly inappropriate and then the internal struggle of how to handle that.  And then dealing with the repercussions of those actions.  

I've certainly experienced my fair share of the more serious side of these interactions.  Some of them, I've spoken up about and fought back against.  Some, I have dealt with privately, without holding anyone accountable.

Innately - I am someone who speaks up.  And that's a really weird burden to carry.  

The older and more confident I get.  The more injustices, no matter how small or large, that I see and face, the more I am emboldened to say no, it's not okay.  

Recently, I was faced with a situation at work in which a senior employee presented a highly inappropriate piece to the team in a meeting.  The shocked, offended, and awkwardness in the room was palpable.  Afterwards, most of us expressed our discomfort to each other in person or via text.  In the days that followed, I couldn't get the experience out of my mind.

I spoke up to a senior employee and expressed my concerns and that I'd like the situation to be brought to HR.  While I'm not going to dive into the details of what happened from here, I will talk about my feelings from the experience - because that's the important piece to focus on.  

Throughout this time I questioned myself - was I overreacting?  I felt anxiety over the repercussions to me for speaking up.  I felt guilt for the repercussions to the employee who acted inappropriately.  I felt like I was just another woman who couldn't take a joke.  I had doubt in the process.  I had frustrations for being made to feel like I shouldn't report the incident.  I felt angry the senior person didn't report this on their own.  

I think it's quite common for both men and women to laugh off these situations.  I think for women especially, we are made to feel like it's our fault.  Whether we were dressing a certain way, working in a "boys club" style industry, we were drunk, we made a joke, we didn't say anything at the time.  Instead of saying I am so sorry you felt that way, I am so sorry you experienced this, it's not OK - we say prove it.  We ask women if they're overreacting, if they're being sensitive, even spiteful.  

While I encourage every woman to handle these incidents however you feel most comfortable, I do challenge you to speak up. It's exhausting, terrifying, and it comes with conflict.  But if you expect to change this culture for your future daughters, sisters, friends, and really just women in general - you have to take on some of the responsibility to fight back.   

I'm not saying make a federal case out of every situation.  I'm simply saying pay attention.  When you see something, say something.  Be brave enough to say what you did was not OK, it made me uncomfortable.  And if it is serious enough, report it.  

Being a woman carries its burdens.  Being a really loud woman is my burden to carry.  I'm called a troublemaker, a bitch, a feminist (in the most negative of connotations) - I've been told that I'm too loud, too bossy, too sensitive.  The things is, I've been in a male dominated industry for most of my life.  I can hang with the best of them.  But there's a difference between funny and disrespectful.  Joke with me, poke fun at me, I can take it.  Degrade me, disrespect me, and you'll get shut down.  

Decide if the burden of speaking up is harder to carry or if the burden of staying silent is something you can take.  For me, speaking up is worth whatever comes at me because staying silent is a greater shame to bear.

Follow Through

It's been a few months since I shared with you the art of the cutoff.  I was definitely due for an update.  

To sum everything up: I'm a MF rock star.  

How?  Because I've mastered the art of the follow through.  

That's right friends.  I set in place a hard cutoff for a few people in my life - both romantic and platonic - and I've stuck to that. 

I know, I think I'm a superhero too.  

Here's how I did it.  You ready?  I stay busy, I stay active, and I rely on my circle.

How has my life changed?  My confidence has gone sky high, my decision making more efficient, and the value I place on myself cannot be compromised.  I'd always heard the good ole "the people who deserve to be in your life will prove it" and quite honestly, I thought it was shit.  Turns out, it's the highest level of real there ever was.  

Time is not infinite.  There are always a billion things to do.  But you are in control of how you spend your time.  When you value others, you make time for them.  You treat them better.  It's all connected.

Do I have difficult days?  I do.  I miss people.  I'm naturally a nostalgic person.  But at the end of the day - if those people valued me the way I valued them, they wouldn't allow themselves to be an option.  Friendships and romances are complicated as all hell, but if people aren't treating you right or willing to let you go - they become very very easy.

Commit to the hard cutoff.  It's not easy.  It's some black ops training style voo doo - but it also gives you a whole new perspective on the people who do show you how important you are to their world.  Get rid of the dead weight.  Make room and make time for the really real ones.

Full Transparency

Emotional support animals have been in the news a lot lately.  From peacocks to puppies - everyone seems to have some kind of ESA - myself included.  

A lot of people have ESA's to be able to fly with their dog for free, avoid pet rent and deposits, and to be able to make it easier to take your pet with you anywhere you please.  And for those of us who aren't simply trying to save money - Id like to send a resounding FU to the fakes.

I have anxiety.  For the most part a lot of my issues are when I don't have control in a situation.  That comes from having been through traumas in which I had absolutely no control.  One of the biggest areas my anxiety presents itself is when I fly.  

Thankfully, the more and more I fly, the more at ease I get about it - but I still get sweaty, anxious, heart racing fear every time I board a flight.  I adopted my little boy Nashville almost 3 years ago.  I had never intended to make him an ESA but a therapist suggested I look into it.

Now full transparency, ESAs don't have as many rights as service dogs, and I think that makes sense.  I do hope one day we can allow for ESA's to be at the level of service dogs for mental health.  For now, I hope that we will take the process more seriously than we do now.  

Back to me.  I eventually was able to get a note from my psychiatrist to have Nash fly with me and live with me free of charge.  On the airplane, he is able to sit in my lap.  For the most part, he sleeps.  He has no real skill except he provides something for me to pet and cuddle, which in turn relaxes me.  

Here's the thing - could I fly without my dog?  Yes.  Do I need him to survive my everyday life?  I don't.  But he does greatly ease some of the symptoms of my often severe anxiety.  And that makes my quality of life better.  And I deserve that.  

Seeing people simply get a note from a doctor to make their pet an ESA because they're avoiding paying a fee - that makes me angry.   It makes it harder for my situation to be taken seriously.  It makes it harder for someone who is worse off than myself to be taken seriously.  And it's bullshit.

Full transparency - you're an asshole if this is you and I absolutely believe that this should carry legal repercussions.   Full transparency, mental illness - in its many forms - in people who truly suffer from it - is crippling.  People who truly suffer from it, we don't think it's a cool trend.  We don't think it's a fun label to carry.  Most often, we don't even want to talk about it. We don't want to stand out because of it.

You wouldn't park in a handicap spot if you're not handicap would you?  Don't get yourself a cute puppy you want to travel with if you can't afford to pay the cost.  Mental health is a very serious issue that creates a lot of the problems in our world.  For those of us working hard every second of every day to just "be normal," all we want is to exist with as little attention as possible.  Don't make it harder because you'd like to make your life easier.

Full transparency, be a better person.

Faith in Humanity

I don't know about you, but I'm still exhausted from the state of politics, the POS excuse of a leader our country has, and the state of violence, racism, and hatred in society.  Every day I log onto social media or read the news, I feel a bit depressed, angry, and defeated.  I don't want to ignore the work that needs to be done in the world because we have a long way to go, but I do want to take a moment to highlight some of the good in the world lately.

It is my hope you will read these stories and be inspired to keep fighting for what's right, spreading kindness, and building strength to keep speaking up against injustice.

Waffle House Hero

Black Men Arrested at Starbucks

Ryan Shazier

There are so many stories of inspiration lately.  From the students standing up against gun violence to the teachers who are fighting for the wages they deserve, there's a lot to feel empowered by.  Start small if you have to, but stay strong and keep looking for the good - it will inspire you to do more and believe that you can achieve big things if you just have the courage to try.

European Lady of Leisure

This post is for me.  I'm going to Europe shortly for two weeks with one of my childhood best babes and I want to know where to go, what to see, what to do, what to eat/drink!  

Here's the route:

Paris, Monaco/Monte Carlo, Nice, Naples, Almafi Coast, Capri, Rome

Now let me tell you about my travel style:

• Low Key: I'm packing a carry on and that's it!  
• Foodie (And Wino): I love to eat and I love me some good wines.  But I'm a simple gal.  I don't need 5-star dining.  I want to eat and drink local and really prefer the places that have history.
• Adventurer: I love to be outdoors and adventure.  I want to hike and wine taste, enjoy the beach - everything! 
• Culture Seeker: I love to learn about the culture and people wherever I go.  I'm not a fancy resort stay on the tour type of girl.  

Alright my sequins, give me your best advice on what to do and not do and what's worth the money versus what's not!

This is my first big adult adventure into Europe so I'm looking forward to the journey and culture it's going to provide.

And may I say, if you ever get the opportunity to travel with your best friend(s) to a new place - take it.  Sure, Cabo and Vegas are lovely, but we are grown now.  Get out and explore the world and learn about places that you know nothing about.  Being cultured is how we learn to appreciate and value each other a whole lot more.  Save your money and spend in on the experiences that shape you.

Career Corner: Personal Training

In every career you should exhibit a bit of personal training (AKA always be learning).  Not every company mandates that you participate in consistent career training and not every company even has resources available for you to take advantage of.  However, this doesn't mean you just stop learning, growing, and staying current.  The moment you stop your personal training is the moment you start becoming irrelevant.

Research

Most of our industries are constantly evolving.  There are new procedures, data, new players - a wealth of "new" to keep up with.  It's on you to stay up to date on what's happening in your world and be able to incorporate it into your everyday skill set and knowledge.  How?

• Subscribe to a journal relevant to what you do
• Google: seriously, google your industry and read what pops up in the news
• Check out which companies are winning awards and look at what they're doing

Network

Continue to grow and expand your network within and outside of your industry.  Talk to your clients and colleagues and get their input.  Engage with your circle by asking for feedback as well as to ask what they're doing to stay current.  

Attend a Conference/Training

Many companies will pay for part or all of your attendance at a conference relevant to your career.  Create a presentation and show your supervisor why you want to attendance a conference/training and provide clear cost implications.  Offer to provide a recap to share with the team when you return.  Make your experience something that benefits the company as a whole.  If your company doesn't support this kind of training, invest in it on your own and then get a new job with a company that does value continued education.

Take Advantage of What your Company Does Offer

Even if it's just online training, take advantage of what is free and available at your company.  Even if it's not industry relevant and just career focused (i.e. management skills, writing, etc.) make sure you're taking as much training as you can.  Attend in person workshops and brainstorm sessions wherever possible as well.  

Constant growth and training requires a lot of effort on your part.  It's above and beyond the normal everyday grind but it's absolutely critical to maintaining relevance and skills to make you the best employee and candidate in the game!

Get out there and grow sequins! 

Mental Health May

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and in its honor - I'm going to share with you how I manage my mental health and create a strong basis for stability in my world.  

PHYSICAL HEALTH

My mood is often dependent upon my physical health.  I have a weak immune system and have to work extra hard to keep my health in a good place.  I also see a high correlation between managing my stress and whether or not I'm taking time to be physically active.  I think what scares a lot of people in the physically healthy world is that they assume physical health = appearance and fitness levels.  That's false.  Being physically active can simply mean getting outside.  Going on a walk.  It doesn't have to mean competing in body building or running a marathon.  Take time to find out what form of fitness feels right to you and do that.  Additionally, get sleep.  Eat right.  Physical health is more than fitness - it's supplying your body with the nutrition and REM cycles  to stay powerful.  

RELATIONSHIPS

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about who you are.  From your family to your closest friends to the community in which you live - spend the majority of your time with people who do not drain you.  In life we will always have to spend time around those who steal our joy, but if you can limit that time, you'll be doing yourself a long term favor.  Constantly evaluate your relationships - not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever.  Edit ruthlessly in order to maintain only positive uplifting relationships.

MEDICAL CARE

Not everyone needs medication to manage their mental health.  I do.  I meet with a psychiatrist every couple months to check in and make sure that my medications are professionally managed and I am practicing safe medical solutions to managing my mental health.  I also see a psychologist about once a week (depending on my travel schedule).  I realize that right now, I need medical care to assist in keeping me at my best. I know not everyone believes in medical intervention for mental health, a nd that's ok - that's why each journey is different.

WORK

We spend most of our lives in the workplace.  Unless you're married rich, been born wealthy, or won the lottery, you're probably working 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week for like 30 years!  And if you're like me, you put a lot of your heart into your career.  When I'm unhappy in my career, it greatly affects my ability to maintain good mental health.  Do everything you can to work somewhere you're happy.  And if you're not happy, change your attitude or change your situation.

PASSIONS

I thrive on my passion projects.  If I don't make time for what I love to do (writing, reading, creating), I'm miserable.  Whether it's an hour a day or sometimes only an hour a week, make time for your passions.  Really take the time to learn what your passions are and develop those.  They fuel your energy and make your happy muscles flex!

As always, my journey with mental health is extremely personal.  Yours may look entirely different.  Consult a professional to make sure you're on the best path for you!  And never be ashamed to ask for help my sequins! 

Cake Cake Cake

More and more lately I've heard women in my Pilates classes talkin about their workouts affording them the luxury of food.  They talk about earning a meal because they completed a workout.  

I've not always had the best relationship with food.  I've binged, deprived, limited, followed trendy diets - I've done it all.  But what I know now is that food is fuel.  Food is not meant to be earned.  It's not meant to be feared.  Food should not control you.

It is my hope that we stop teaching women they have to live and die by calories and carbs and that they must complete some grueling workout in order to enjoy a meal.  Fitness and food are to be enjoyed.

If you're raising a little boss babe, teach her to love her body and the things it needs to maintain a healthy happy status quo.  Teach her it's ok to eat the donut without running 5 miles to makeup for it.  Don't shame her for eating too much - teach her that eating the foods nature provides us are meant to be enjoyed until you're full!  

My relationship with food, fitness, and my body continues to change.  Thankfully, for the most part, it's healthy.  I eat a lot.  I workout a lot.  But I don't limit myself.  I don't force myself to workout as punishment.  I eat carbs.  I truly look forward to my Pilates and spin classes.  I get outside and I walk.  I cook with fresh ingredients.  Sometimes I eat donut(s).  

I've changed the narrative for myself.  I took back control.  Only I determine what role food plays in my world.