That was fast

I’ve always read those “life comes at you fast” and “things change quickly” life sayings and thought to myself; what a pile of shit. I spent a lot of years struggling financially and working in jobs that made me miserable. None of that changed fast for me.

And yet here I am at 35, looking around, and things have changed. I’m not struggling financially. I love my job. Overall, things seem pretty damn good.

I don’t think that’s by chance.

It’s by design (and of course some luck and born privilege).

I’ve put in the time, effort, and been an all around decent human being for quite some time now. My current situation is a result of that.

Sure, life can change in an instant. But it is far more likely that life is a result of a million things over time.

It’s the work you put in, the way you treat others, and often the circumstances you were born into and the privileges you hold in the world.

Yet I encourage you to continue to believe.

To know that eventually, things can be ok. They have the potential to change.

In a time when I know a lot of people are struggling, I encourage you to stay as eyes on the prize as possible. And if you’re going through a good time right now like I am, I encourage you to help those who are not.

Mistakes

Did you huys know that people make mistakes and thats just….ok? Nobody shared this with me! My entire life I have been under the impression that mistkaes are unacceptable.

I get it, I’m too hard on myself. But I genuinely thought that if you make a mistake, specifically at work, you get scolded and you are shamed and life is over.

I’m now in an environment where they not only give grace for mistakes, they expect that you’re bound to make them.

I’m sorry, what is this world?

I made a mistake in a big event that I had planned. And I was so hard on myself. Shaming myself for days on end and apologizing over and over again to literally everyone. I would not, could not stop cutting myself down about it.

And you know what? Every single person at this company said to me — thats is? THat’s the bigest mistake you made for this? AND you fixed it immediately? You’re good.

YOURE GOOD? Where are thre scoldings? Who is going to throw apples at me in the town square? I’m just …given grace and acceptance and support? HOW DARE YOU.

Her’es the thing — I genuinely understand when others make mistakes. But I rarely make them at work. I am so on it that I am often doing my job, your job and her job and I’m doing it all well.

And yea, sometimes I make a mistake — but it is rare. And when I do I am shaming myself for weeks on end.

Apparently expecting perfection isn’t reality.

Having my team, my manager, and others give me grace has been eye opening. It’s allowed me to give myself grace. I still have incredibly high expectations for myself and others, but I am also realizing that I am human. And the constant pressure I have put on myself for years is not sustainable.

I guess what I’m saying is maybe a mistake or two isn’t the end of the world or my career.

No Excuses

Part of my constant journey to become an ally means thinking critically about my current habits and words. What am I saying to others? What am I consuming? How am I presenting myself in the world?

A space I recently have found as an area I needed to grow was how I excuse people simply because they’re “old” or “that’s how they grew up.”

I’ve absolutely made concessions for old white people who are absolutely racist. They’re just old. That’s the time they were raised in. Or I think about where people are from and how they grew up and excuse their beliefs because they don’t know any better.

THat’s wrong. That’s not antiracist. And that is not being an ally.

Times have changed. Thwe information is out there. And critical thinking is a life skill.

Racism is wrong. Full stop.

I don’t care if you’re 5 or 95, you owe it to the world to be better. I don’t care if you grew up in New York City or the middle of nowhere Arkansas, you have the ability to be better.

I’m no longer accepting any excuse for being racist, speaking about others with hate or acting in a way that is racist. I’m not.

I’m calling it out, I’m correcting the behavior, I’m educating that person on how they are wrong and can be better.

Unless you’re being actively antiracist, you’re racist.

Period.

I know it can be uncomfortable because a lot of the folks I’ve excused in the past are family or friends, but that’s not acceptable. Sitting in my comfort is not acceptable. If I’m not speaking up, I am part of the problem.

Am I saying you need to have arguments with people everyday? No. But you do need to find a way to say “Hey Grandma, that’s actually not true and it’s harmful and racist and here’s why.”

Sitting in my comfort, excusing racism for age or background, that’s White Privelege at work. And it’s me resting in that space because I can.

And it’s wrong.

There are no excuses for racism. None. So in my journey to be an ally (and it is always a journey), I am stepping up to be better. No excuses about it.

You’re part of the problem, or you’re part of the solution. What side are you on?

Unapolagetic

Oh she’s unapolagetic again is she? She is. But this time, it’s about mental health. As I mentioned last week, I’ve been going through it. And I’m not quite sure how to come out of it. So I’ve started being honest.

I think I talk a lot about it, but I don’t always follow through. Lately, I have been openly following through like never before.

Say something that is not cool? I’ll say so. Asking for my time and I don’t have it? I’m saying no.

I grew up (like a lot of women) wanting to people please and keep the peace. But I’m dealing with my own special mess of stress & anxiety and I don’t have time for your shit too.

And it’s amazing. I am too exhausted to worry about making someone else uncomfortable who is asking too much of me.

Disregarding my anxiety? I’m going to tell you about it. And I’m going to demand the respect I deserve.

Instead of feeling bad for prioritizing me, I am owning the hell out of it.

I don’t have enough time nor energy right now to devote to anyone but me, and that matters. That’s just as important as giving others my time and energy.

Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten older, maybe its the pandemic, but I have finally realized I can’t do it all. And I shouldn’t have to.

What do you need right now? Do that. Be that. Embrace that. The people who know and love you will support you. Anyone else? Fuck em. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Anxious Mess

My anxiety has finally caught up with me and I’m a bit of a mess. Nothing wild, I haven’t made any questionable decisions, it’s been more of just an overall feeling of being tense that I can’t seem to shake.

And I honestly couldn’t figure out why.

Well let’s think. In the last 6 months (while we’ve still been in a pandemic) I have moved states, gotten a new (very busy) job, and moved in with my parents while I buy my first home.

Whew. That’s exhausting to read about. And I’ve been living it without stopping to consider that’s a whole lot of change in a year full of change.

I need to cut myself a break.

And I need to prioritize whatever I need to do in order to actually make that happen.

What I find when I get this way, which in all honestly, I rarely feel this anxious this consistently — but when I do, it causes me to be really hard on myself in every way. I think it’s an attempt to get some control back.

Lately I’m more insecure, meaner to myself, and pull away from people more.

I don’t actually have a healthy solution here. I don’t have the answers. It’s more to say I’m in this place and I’m trying to find my way back but I’m not there yet.

Sometimes I think that’s huge in and of itself. When you recognize where you are, what’s causing it, and that it’s not great - that can be a really big step.

I love that we are talking about mental health more, but I wish more people spoke up when they don’t have an answer. When it’s jsut a hard time you need to work your way through.

Don’t feel bad for just knowing something is wrong but not knowing how to fix it. For a lot of people, figuring out there’s a problem is the biggest step you can take.

Skincare Over Everything

I didn’t get into skincare until I was in my 30’s. My generation was all about indoor tanning and not much else. We were never taught skincare like kids are now. But now that I have discovered good skincare, I am addicted. And because I have extremely sensitive dry skin, I have tried everything on the market.

I’d like to share my favorite products right now!

Face Wash/Cleaners

Aveeno Positively Radiant Skin Brightening Scrub ($6)

Cerave Hydrating Facial Cleanser ($10)

Dermalogica Ultra Calming Cleanser ($62)

Moisturizers

Dermalogica Dynamica Skincare Recovery spf50 ($75)

Cerave Skin Renewing Retinol Daycream with SPF ($24.99)

LaRoche-Posay Toleriane Ultra Face Moisturizer for Sensitive Skin ($30)

Serums

Biossance Squalane + Vitamic C Rose Oil ($72)

Biossance Squalane + Vitamin C Dark Spot Serum ($62)

Whole Foods 365 Rosehip Oil ($10)

Face Masks

Dr Jart Soothing Hydra Solution Mask ($11.95/ pack of 5)

Lapcos Rejuvinating Variety Pack ($17/pack of 5)

L’Oreal Detox Clay Mask ($8)

What are your favorite skincare products lately? Share!

Unbreakable

If you’re new here, you might not know that I have not always been this loud nor confident. Growing up in a conservative, white, wealthy town meant that I didn’t really grow into my own self — and love who that is until my 30’s.

I bought into needing the good grades, being the star athlete, beauty queen and everything in between. I had moments where my voice came through and my wild ways popped up, but comparative to who I am now, I don’t know that girl.

At 35, I am unbreakable. I know what I stand for, I know who I am and I’m confident that person fucking rocks.

I’ve survived the things I was sure would break me. I’ve percevered when I hit rock bottom in my career. I’ve navigated foreign countries without speaking the language. And I’ve done it all with great hair.

It took me a really long time to get to this point. And at times, my confidence falters. When it does, I remind myself what a bad ass I actually am.

In a year when we’ve all been deeply tested, I hope that you take the time to remind yourself you’re pretty amazing too.

Write these things down. Have them nearby so that when you start to doubt yourself, you can easily look to examples of just how unbreakable you are.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all of the things we’ve been enduring lately. And it makes me want to tell people more how strong and wonderful they are.

To thank others who have been there to keep me believing in me when it felt like I was alone.

And then to ultimately come back to me, and remind myself — that I might shake, I might crack, but I will forever be unbreakable.

Pandemic Szn...Still

Right. Ok. So a year into this thing and am I th only one that feels exponentially worse than when we started?

We actually have a general end date and I am still more exhausted, irritable, stressed and not thriving than I was the entire time we did this thing. My skin is not glowing as much, I’m not feeling as energized, and I think my hair mgiht be thinner.

What’s the deal?

I love my new job. I’m finally living in the state I’ve wanted to come back to for years.

I think it’s the culmination of it all. The year in a global pandemic watching people act like pieces of shit. A year of racism and bigotry coming to a boiling point. A year of watching our government fail us all.

I’m feeling a bit disolusioned if I’m being honest.

I have lost a lot of faith in humanity.

And I’m white. I am privileged. I have it pretty damn easy comparatively. But it’s exhausting me to my core to continue to watch Americans specifically be utter hot smoldering garbage.

I get it, I can’t give up. We need people to show up, resist the bad and work to change America for good.

Specifically people like me need to show up. People with the privilege need to take the weight off the shoulders of those who have endured this pain, anger and exhaustion for hundreds of years.

Any yet, I’ll admit, lately I am unable to do much besides get through the day.

And I’m sorry for that. I feel guilty for that.

But I just want to say, I know I’m not the only one. I know that many of you are struggling to stay sane, get the job done, take care of yourselves (and maybe your families), and stand up for social & racial justice.

It’s a lot for anyone.

So here’s my suggestion: We don’t do it all.

We cut ourselves a break.

We recognize the long road we have ahead.

And we rest when we need to.

The pandemic isn’t over. Racism isn’t over. Women’s rights are still on the line. And they will be, for eternity.

So lose hope, sit down, rest.

And come back recharged.

Life is hard. It’s still a damn pandemic. And even when we are all vaccinated, we don’t know what the world will look like. Our country doesn’t represent the world, there are so many countries we will have to wait to catchup. We are still dealing with daily hate. The GOP is still ripping the rights away from everyone who isnt white wealthy and male. Gun violence is still happening daily. If you’re nto overwhelmed you’re not paying attention.

Stay connected to those who matter. Disconnect from technology when you need to. Get outside and be present in nature. Eat your veggies. Sleep those 8 hours and gulp down that water.

And when you feel normal(ish) again, join the fight.

Rinse. And repeat.

We’ve got a long road ahead, take it day by day. And remember, you’re never alone.

180

Growing up, I did all the things you’re supposed to do. I excelled at school, sports, went to college and got a job. I have spent years upon years grinding to grow my career. I’ve worked overtime, weekends, existed on little sleep and I did it with little complaint. I bought into this idea that you have to work work work to make life great.

Yea, this is another 2020 taught me some shit post.

2020 changed my view on work. I no longer buy into this culture of grind til you fall. This five day work week that runs our lives.

I don’t actually know all the history around the five day work week but I believe it had to do with religious days of rest, agrictulure, and a lot of things that quite frankly are outdated. The Fast Company recently wrote a piece on just how outdated this practice is.

My major gripe with the five day work week is that 2020 showed us that while we work to keep the exonomy running, when everything hit the fan, our government wasn’t here to help us. In fact our government and all the systems we pay into, work so hard to keep running and use as our guiding force - let us all the way down.

And that isn’t going to change. Sure, Biden needs some more time to get into the trenches of things, but if he has time to bomb Syria, he has time to help Americans.

Our government and the system it built does not work for us.

I get it, I’ve got to pay taxes and I need to show up at work everyday. I’m not about to go full anarchy and wind up in jail or losing my well paying job that I genuinely enjoy.

But I am going to set boundaries. I have been in fact. I am going to place more value on my personal life than I do overtime, weekend work and giving up the best years of my life.

2020 showed me that things like time with friends and family, investing in my health and wellness, those are the things I really value.

If you know me well, this is all really shocking. I had always pushed to grow in my career and “be somebody.” What I’ve realized is I am somebody, independent of what I do. In fact, I respect myself more as this person who isn’t defined by where she works, how much she works and what her title is.

I’ll always be an overachiever. But what I overachieve in has shifted. I want to live the best life I can. See all the places on my bucket list. I want to invest in the people who mean so much to me. And I don’t want to live my days stuck behind a desk.

Maybe one day that means starting my own company. Maybe it means something I haven’t even thought of yet. But it does mean, I am no longer what I do, where I do it and I am no longer impressed by the people who are only work.

I hope one day as Americans we learn the value of a full life. I hope we learn that poverty doesn’t need to exist here. I hope we finally get rid of these lifetime politicans who are corrupt, out of touch and trash human beings. I hope that we can finally live up to the greatness this country has so long claimed to be.

But for now, I’m going to do what I can to focus on making my life full, happy, and healthy - completely separate from work.

Let's talk about luck

In 2020, I was handed a package deal of a lot of the things I have wanted for a really long time. And in a year when so many lost so much, I felt lucky. I didn’t tell a lot of people about what was going on because I am so sensitive to the fact that not everyone is having that kind of year.

When I have told people about it, I am adamant about how lucky I am.

Until a girlfriend of mine told me to give myself more credit.

And that got me thinking about luck. Life isn’t all luck. The things I’m being given today are in large part due to my hard work, resiliency, and prioritizing being a good person. Sure, a little luck and karma help. But my life is a direct result of me.

Being a woman and an athlete - I have been taught that life is teamwork and humility comes first. Give credit to your team before you give credit to yourself. And as often as possible, celebrate but quickly get back to work. That mindset has been ingrained in me since I was born.

It’s gotten me far. It has also caused me to lose credit, miss an opportunity, and kept me from really having that true confidence in my abilities.

I also don’t think I celebrate myself enough because I would rather celebrate others.

In 2021, I’m going to be incorporating a lot more “thank you, I worked hard for this” instead of “thank you, I’m so lucky.” I’m going to celebrate myself when I achieve big things. I’m going to stand up for myself when credit is mine to take.

It has taken a village to get me here and my team deserves all the trophies for being the best support system in the world. But you can thank your squad, celebrate your role in the win, and get back to work. All of these things can exist.

I never want to lose my need to grow, work hard and get better. But I think attributing success to luck, that’s not acknowledging the role my efforts have played in the win.

Sure, things have to align for a win to happen. And that’s the universe doing her thing. But you can be the luckiest unicorn on the planet and if you’re not prepared to put the work in, luck doesn’t matter.

In 2021, change your luck. Own it. Thank her. And then thank yourself. Luck might be here to sprinkle a little magic into your world - but YOU are all the luck you need to make life great.