Women in Sports

It’s 2021 and we are still doing this. We are still in a blind spot when it comes to so many aspects of women in sports. One of the biggest blind spots is how women are treated in the workplace by our colleagues, executives, fans, Twitter trolls — you get the point.

I spent the first 10 years of my carer in the sports industry. And I loved it. Sports have been such a huge part of my life and who I am, it was my dream to build a life in that world. I never thought I’d leave.

It also gave me some of my darkest days, most unhealthy lifestyle, and was the time I doubted myself the most. The worst job I ever had was in professional sports. It left me broken, physically ill, and destroyed my confidence.

I left sports in large part because the lifestyle was not sustainable for me. My passion for sports can exist outside of working in the industry. I am happier, healthier, better treated, make more money, and all around thriving in the tech industry and I am so grateful I was able to make that pivot.

What really gets me riled up every time a new asshole is exposed for sending lewd texts or harassing women in the work place is how shocked everyone acts. Even in the sports industry itself. Everyone is appalled. Teams vow this isn’t who they are. Men are put on leave, issue an apology written by a PR company. Organizations vow to commit to change. They hire a token female.

It’s bullshit. All of it.

Every woman in sports has a story. Probably many.

I knew going into the industry I’d be sexually harassed at some point. And I was. Many times. I brushed it off. I brushed it off for almost two years until I broke down and spoke up. I was fired the next day for not “fitting the values of the organization.”

I knew I’d have to work harder, wear higher heels, and learn to laugh at the crude humor. And I did. Over and over again I did.

I was also in a generally toxic situation working for a team that to this day is a fucking mess. The bullying and generalized mind games were actually worse than any sexual harassment I faced. And I realize how fucked up that is to say. To rank my experience by which type of harassment I’d face on the daily.

Think of the most stereotypical boys club and multiply that disgusting behavior by 100 and you’ve got what I went to the office to experience each day.

When I worked in college sports, it was much of the same. I had a boss physically prevent me from leaving the room. I had another charged with a federal crime that I legally can’t speak about. I was told to wear a low cut top to seal a deal.

These are all my experiences. And they’re vast. They’re my unique story as a woman in sports.

But they are far from the only story. And probably not even that shocking to other women in the industry.

Even within the ecosystems I worked, I know other women who experienced their own version of the ugly side of being a woman in sports. Most have left the industry entirely.

I didn’t speak a lot about the specifics of what I dealt with at the team I worked for. I spoke about surface level toxicity but nobody knows about a lot of the very real and deep issues I have as a result of that experience.

I’m loud. I speak up. I cause trouble. I am the person who goes to HR or to leadership when I see injustice. I will never not try to right a wrong. I will always be that person.

Because of that, I think it’s easy to ignore what I have to say about these things. You’ve heard it before. How could this happen to someone again? Is she just making trouble? She’s just being difficult. She’s so dramatic.

I don’t tell the full story because I know what’s it like to not be believed. To be told you’re overreacting. So I sucked it up and I dealt with it.

I think about that a lot when it comes to women in sports. When I see a woman who exposes something a man has done, I think about how much it took to get her to that point. I know that wasn’t the first incident. I wonder how scared she is. I fear for the repercussions. I worry about her being let go and losing one more woman in a male dominated industry. My heart breaks because I wonder if she will ever speak up again.

I think about the other women who feel strong enough to speak up because she tells her story. I worry about the support systems they have in place to help them through this. I fear for the reactions of her colleagues. I worry about how she’s running through every mistake she made in her mind, because surely it will be used against her. I pray that she’s strong enough to deal with what comes after.

Women are the strongest people on the planet. Women in sports have to show up and coat themselves in extreme strength every single day. And I hate that for us. I hate that we have to be strong.

We first have to fight to get into this world. Then we have to fight to be everything in that world. Pretty, smart, funny, one of the boys. And then we have to resist aging. We have to know ten times what a man does about the game. And we have to do it in heels, flawless makeup and perfectly coifed hair. We have to be breezy but serious but light and smiling. When the degrading comments happen, the innapropriate jokes tossed around, the accidental touching — we have to ignore all that and laugh with the men. We can’t make mistakes. We can’t show up less than 110%. There are no off days for women in sports. Not at the office, not in our personal lives, you are always on. Every second of our lives are fair game.

For me, the worst part was showing up everyday to a place I knew would not make me feel good. Where I was demeaned, belittled, degraded — sat in the room for the lewd jokes, the offhand comments and nobody stood up for me. Nobody said this is wrong we have to do better. Nobody spoke up for me.

Just because you don’t partake in the problem, it doesn’t make you innocent. It doesn’t make you a good guy just because you refrane from contributing to the conversation. Men need to make space for women in sports. They need to hold themselves to a higher standard and they need to say to their peers “this is not ok.” Sitting by and watching it happen, knowing its wrong but letting it go, we see that. I can promise you, we never forget that.

I left my career in professional sports over 5 years ago and one man, one, has reached out to me to apologize and truly compassionately express sadness for the things he saw me go through. 10 years of working in sports and one man has had an ounce of guts to speak up. He did not partake in any wrongdoing, but he’s the one who came to me to say you shouldn’t have had to deal with that.

The reporters and the media who sit here and feed into this shocked narrative, you are part of the problem. And every time you push that storyline, the women you work with see it. They hear it and they are making note of where you stand.

Show up for women. Don’t applaud the first female coach, referee, VP and then turn around and be ignorant to the plight to get there. Don’t claim to support women in sports and then sit quietly while the innapropriate jokes and text messages fly around the room.

Women show up every single day and do the absolute most in the sports industry. In an industry that quite frankly doesn’t want us.

Show up for women. We damn sure show up for everyone else.

Girl, You do too much!

I do too much. All the time. I have no chill. Beyond aware of this inability to rest.

Even my days of rest are not exactly the most restful. I’m not one of those people who can spend an entire day in bed or on the couch.

And as I get older, I’m realizing that isn’t a sustainable way of living. I’m not 22 anymore, things hurt, I’m tired more and learning to do a little less is important.

I’m not saying I need to stop living my very full and very enjoyable life. I’m saying I need to actually learn balance.

I know people say “you’re still young” or “you can sleep when you’re dead” - I agree to the first and the second is absurd. It’s entirely possible to be young and make the most of life while learning to rest and regroup for the next adventure.

So I’ve made a plan. Because a girl like me needs a plan. My new plan is to make sure that at least once a week I have a day of rest. An actual day of rest. Not one of those clean, do laundry, workout, meal prep days of rest. A real one. Naps, lazy TV time, and ok — a short walk with Nash.

I do too much. I probably always will. It’s not in my nature to lay low. And that’s ok. But I will make an active effort to take better care of myself. To recognize when I need some rest. And to speak that out loud. Turn down plans. Take a nap. Binge a show.

I hope that if you’re like me and never want to miss out on a moment of this magical life we are given; you start to realize there’s magic in rest too. Take time off, to chill — because if you’re not rested — how the hell are you going to make the most of the big moments when they happen?

Book Nerd

2020 allowed me a lot of time to read. I generally read a lot but because we have been stuck inside, I’ve been reading even more! Now that we are into 2021, I want to share my favorite reads of 2020!

These are in no particular order and are all over the board in terms of genre. Hope you enjoy!

Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall

Anyone who identifies as a feminist would be well-served by reading Mikki Kendall’s brilliant debut essay collection, Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot. In this searing indictment of mainstream feminism in the United States, Kendall examines how a movement that purports to represent over half the planet’s population has, in fact, consistently overlooked women of color, trans women, differently abled women and other marginalized people. She elevates the experiences of those who are too often excluded, while also giving voice to how violence, hunger, poverty, education, housing, reproductive justice and more are all feminist issues.

— Ericka Taylor, book critic

The City We Became: A Novel by N.K. Jemisin

If your hometown was a person, what would she look like? What kind of shoes would they wear? How would he smell? What would you do if you came face to literal face with New York City? This is the world that N.K. Jemisin imagines in her fantasy novel The City We Became. This year, we need all the fantasy we can get, and Jemisin offers a multidimensional version of the world just outside your front door. New York’s five boroughs each become human avatars and walk through a world that is recognizable as our own yet wholly different, as they are under attack from a supernatural – and betentacled – enemy.

— J.C. Howard, assistant producer, TED Radio Hour and How I Built This

Such A Fun Age by Kiley Reid

It’s tempting to call Kiley Reid’s debut, Such A Fun Age, a novel about race and privilege – but that might not capture how smooth and funny a read it is. It’s the story of a young black babysitter, Emira, and her white employer, Alix. The two women are both sophisticated and well drawn – Alix becoming borderline obsessed with the younger, cooler woman who babysits her daughter, Emira dealing with the complex power dynamic between her and her employer. It’s funny and contemporary and will ring true for anyone living in the year of our Lord 2020. At a time when race and class are topics that have hopefully become a part of our lives in a more honest way, Such A Fun Age is a kind of contemporary novel of manners, and it’s also a reminder that those manners exact a higher toll on some Americans than others.

— Barrie Hardymon, senior editor, Weekend Edition

The Vanishing Half: A Novel by Brit Bennett

To be American is to self-invent, and if you think you’re not part of that, talk to a grandparent. In The Vanishing Half, Brit Bennett’s novel about Black identical twins who can pass as white, nearly everyone is self-invented. Stella Vignes leaves her Louisiana town and crosses the color line; she marries a white man, has a white daughter, then mistreats them to keep her secret. (It’s a testament to Bennett’s writing that Stella is not unlikeable.) Stella’s niece and foil, Jude, is unwilling and unable to pass. Instead, she reinvents herself as something deeply satisfying: a happy, successful adult. The past always catches up, though, and when the family reunion comes, it’s spectacular. To reinvent yourself is to add and subtract, as Bennett makes clear. This book adds.

— Noel King, host, Morning Edition and Up First

Neon Girls: A Stripper's Education In Protest And Power by Jennifer Worley

This sex worker memoir begins as a typical babe in the woods tale about a young woman drawn to the adult industry for extra cash, but it quickly turns into something more galvanizing and urgent. A graduate student who danced at San Francisco’s storied Lusty Lady peep show during its 1990s heyday, Jennifer Worley confronted the controlling, exploitative rules of management by organizing her fellow strippers – many of them radical lesbians – into the world’s first unionized strip club and, later, worker-owned co-op. Neon Girls is lively and crucial – a slice of queer urban history and a necessary rethinking of sex work as a site of collective labor struggle.

— Sascha Cohen, book critic

A Promised Land by Barack Obama

Barack Obama began his literary career with Dreams From My Father, recalling the struggles of his youth while still in his early 30s. Now in A Promised Land, approaching 60, he recalls how his most audacious dreams came true in 2008 and details his first 30 months as U.S. president – from the Great Recession through Obamacare to the killing of Osama bin Laden. Obama continues the story he began telling before the world was listening. Whatever one’s deepest feelings about this man, they are likely to be brought to the surface by this book: We hear his voice in every sentence.

— Ron Elving, senior editor and correspondent, Washington Desk

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

In her most revealing and powerful memoir yet, the activist, speaker, bestselling author, and “patron saint of female empowerment” (People) explores the joy and peace we discover when we stop striving to meet others’ expectations and start trusting the voice deep within us.

When You See Me by Lisa Gardner

#1 New York Times bestselling author Lisa Gardner unites three of her most beloved characters—Detective D. D. Warren, Flora Dane, and Kimberly Quincy—in a twisty new thriller, as they investigate a mysterious murder from the past…which points to a dangerous and chilling present-day crime.

The End of Her by Shari Lapena

Stephanie and Patrick are adjusting to life with their twin girls. Then Erica, a woman from Patrick’s past, appears and makes a disturbing accusation. Patrick had always said his first wife’s death was an accident, but now Erica claims it was murder. Stephanie isn’t sure what, or who, to believe.

The Guest List by Lucy Foley

On an island off the coast of Ireland, guests gather to celebrate two people joining their lives together as one. The groom: handsome and charming, a rising television star. The bride: smart and ambitious, a magazine publisher. It’s a wedding for a magazine, or for a celebrity: the designer dress, the remote location, the luxe party favors, the boutique whiskey. The cell phone service may be spotty and the waves may be rough, but every detail has been expertly planned and will be expertly executed.

Mind Body Soul

Are people still on the New Year, New Me kick? Or have we moved past that and everyone’s back to being a dumpster fire?

I personally have never set a new year’s resolution. As an athlete I find them pointless. You should be working everyday to get better, no need to wait for some arbitrary date on the calendar. If 2020 taught us anything, and it taught us a lot — time ain’t shit.

I spent the last couple years really working on myself. I committed to really being single, really getting to the root of my traumas and really trying to love me - the good and the bad.

What I’ve learned is that it’s a whole ass journey. You can’t just go to therapy or just eat right. You can’t just go to the gym or cut out the toxic folks in your life. It’s a whole mind body soul vortex that takes a long time to get right.

My concoction of wellness is one part therapy, one part fitness, one part healthy eating, one part setting boundaries, and about 32 million parts dogs.

For me, weekly therapy as a consistent is really important. I find that even though I spend a lot of the time just talking through whatever I’m struggling with, it gives me persepctive and resets my anxiety about my own issues. I need a neutral party to remind me I’m not a piece of shit. I do. Sure, there are the activities and the homework and that’s all fine and good, but the 50 minutes with someone who is going to explain to me why I am the way I am and help me to develop my own peace with my past is life changing.

Fitness is a huge component of my overall well being. I have been an athlete since I was in the womb and if I go more than a day or two without movement, my body feels awful and my mind is a mess. Finding the balance of understanding fitness is about moving and not about weight has been a whole other bag of issues. It took me decades to understand that being active can mean a long walk, yoga, a run, a hike — it can be a thousand things. And it doesn’t have to be about losing weight or changing my phsyical appearance. It’s about allowing my body a moment to just move around and let those endorphins flow.

I should add that getting outside is also probably a huge piece of my sanity. Fresh air throughout the day makes me feel at peace. It reinvigorates my whole mood and makes me feel alive. It’s a game changer.

Healthy eating for me is another bag of issues. Growing up I ate really healthy. I had also started dieting by age 13 to try and make myelf a better athlete. My relationship with food is wild. Because I never really ate junk food until college, I have moments where I binge too much and feel guilty. I also have moments I deprive myself. None of that is healthy. The only way that I’ve been able to keep a healthy relationship with food is through cooking and prioritizing whole from the earth foods. That’s important to me. Cooking is theraputic for me too. Seeing what I can put into each meal gives me joy and helps me know what foods make me feel good. It’s ok to eat the junk at times — sometimes I want some ice cream — but when I am eating healthier, and not depriving myself, my body and mind feel stronger and my whole system operates at peak levels.

Setting boundaries - wow ok so it has taken me decades upon decades to figure out boundaries. Truth be told, this is where I struggle the most. Whether it’s human relationships to work — I am an extremes person. I’m all in or I’m all out. There’s no balance to me. And that’s not healthy either. Learning to have a life outside of work, to not expect that everyone has the same all in mentality as I do — that is a journey. And I think it always will be a journey for me. I don’t have a whole lot of enlightenment here, becasue I’m still learning what a boundary is and how to set one. It’s not intuitive to me. I hope it will be someday.

Lastly - when all else fails, when I’m completely out of alignment - I hug my dog. Nobody is going to love me so completely and without judgment like my dog will. And even if it’s just a quick snuggle, he resets my perspective and come on — who doesn’t love a little puppy love?

Mind Body soul connection is so real. It’s a whole mental, physical, spiritual combination that is different for every single one of us. What works for me is torture for you. What works for you is lunacy to me. But what I’ve really learned in 2020, after a whole year of spending a lot of time alone and growing, without that recipe for success — life sucks. And again, every blog is about 2020 which isn’t for everoyne - but it changed us all - and I for one want to come out of it a better person for myself first and the rest of the world second.

2020 showed us a lot of ugly, getting myself on a higher level is my first step towards helping the world get better.

Love Thyself

Valentine’s Day is upon us and although I really don’t talk much about my relationship status, I do love to talk about my love for myself! So this Valentine’s Day I want to celebrate loving yourself!

The greatest relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself — celebrate that and get yourself a gift this Valentine’s Day! Whether you can afford an actual gift or just a night in to yourself, here are some amazing ways to love thyself for every budget!

Spa Day

Spend: Book a whole day at a spa! Schedule a massage, facial, the works! While you’rethere, make use of the sauna and any meditation or yoga classes offered! High end spas have some very safe protocols in place!

Save: Create a spa at home! Light a candle,turn on some music, take a bubble bath and do a face mask! While you’re at it, paint those nails and exfoliate that skin!

Decadent Meal

Spend: Make a reservation at a restaurant you’ve always wanted to splurge on, and go ahead and order dessert (outdoors only please!).

Save: Either order in some takeout from a local restaurant (bonus points for supporting local!) or cook a meal at home. There’s plenty of good wine for under $15 to enjoy while you dine!

Shopping Spree

Spend: Had your eye on that gorgeous coat? BUY IT! Wanted those expensive boots but couldn’t justify the cost? Time to hit purchase! Get yourself something you’ve really wanted, you deserve it!

Save: Hit up a local thrift store! The thrill of the hunt is so much fun and bonus points, it’s great for the environment!

Fitness Fun

Spend: Pay for a private lesson to the studio you fell in love with. It’s a great way to take your workout to the next level and get some 1:1 adjustments to make future workouts better!

Save: Take an online class or get outside and enjoy a hike in nature. There are so many ways to enjoy classes without paying the private price tag. You could also sign up for the first class free pass at that fancy studio around the corner!

Flower Delivery

Spend: Call up the local florist and treat yourself to a monthly delivery. Setup 6 months of a monthly boquet to have something pretty to look forward to.

Save: Hit up Trader Joes and spend $20 on florals. Take them home and watch a YouTube video on floral arrangements! Better yet, if you’ve got a Farmer’s Market nearby, buy local!

Whatever your budget, whatever your relationship status, there’s a self love celebration to be had. Valentine’s Day is a beautifully cheesy day to show love for the number one person in your life - YOU!

Chef Season

I want to talk about my favorite recipes of 2020. I spent a whole lot of time cooking last year. It helps calm me, gives me a sense of achievement and my body feels better when I’m eating homemade.

As we are slowly getting back to a new normal and able to see more people, I plan to continue cooking. Large crowds will not be for me for quite some time. Cooking at home with friends and family is something I’m really looking forward to.

Here are some of my favorite receipes as well as some of my favorite cooking books to purchase.

Appetizers

Mac and cheese stuffed oven fried zucchini bites (Courtesy of Half Baked Harvest)

Recipe

A delicious upgrade to fried zucchini…these Mac and Cheese Stuffed Oven Fried Zucchini Bites will not disappoint. Homemade, macaroni and cheese sandwiched between zucchini slices, breaded in panko breadcrumbs, and oven “fried” until golden and crisp. Enjoy as a fun summer snack or appetizer. Or make these bites into a family meal as part of a loaded summer salad. Each oven baked zucchini bite is crispy on the outside plus creamy and cheesy on the inside. A truly delicious summer snack.

Baked buffalo chicken egg rolls with cilantro lime ranch (Courtesy of Half Baked Harvest)

Recipe

Switching up Tuesday night with these crispy Baked Buffalo Chicken Egg Rolls with Cilantro Lime Ranch. Shredded chicken, buffalo sauce, herbs, and a little cheddar cheese, all rolled up into egg roll wrappers and oven baked. These egg rolls come together in minutes, they’re crunchy on the outside, and spicy and cheesy inside. Serve with the most delicious creamy, salty cilantro lime ranch, and additional buffalo sauce. Great for a fun weeknight dinner plus upcoming game nights too.

Chinese Chicken Salad Summer Rolls (Courtesy of Cravings by Chrissy Tiegan)

Recipe

I loooove crunchy Chinese chicken salad and I love Vietnamese summer rolls, so I combined them into a beautiful Frankenstein of a dish. Refreshing and light, these rice paper-wrapped rolls are a healthier alternative to a sandwich or wrap, but they don’t skimp on the flavor. Just like the salad from my first book, they’re loaded with crunchy vegetables, thinly sliced chicken, and crispy wonton strips, but the summer roll version is served with a tangy, peanutty dipping sauce. Pack a bunch of them on a picnic, serve as a snack or app, or even eat them for a full meal because they’re super filling.

Salads/Soups

Kale, Pomegranate, and Avocado Salad (Courtesy of Deliciously Ella)

Recipe

My mum and I have been making this for years and we’re still completely obsessed. Massaging the kale may sound strange, but it works brilliantly to soften it, while the tahini, cider vinegar and lime dressing makes it so creamy. We’ve kept it simple here and just added avocado, pumpkin seeds and pomegranates, but it’s delicious with just about anything - I add roasted chili chickpeas, baked sweet potatoes, sauteed veggies, roast potatoes, rye croutons and anything else I’ve got in my kitchen!

Slow cooker chipotle chicken tortilla soup with salty lime chips (Courtesy of Half Baked Harvest)

Recipe

This Slow Cooker Chipotle Chicken Tortilla Soup with Salty Lime Chips is the perfect bowl to warm up to on cold fall and winter days. Made with fire-roasted tomatoes, poblano peppers, smoky chipotle peppers, and shredded chicken, it’s hearty but healthy and so delicious. Top each bowl of tortilla soup with homemade salty lime chips, plenty of cheddar, fresh cilantro, and avocado too. This bowl of tortilla soup is a cozy meal that you can feel good about eating. Just be sure to serve with plenty of those salty chips…they’re a must.

Roasted Caluiflower, Feta, and Orzo Salad (Courtesy of Cravings by Chrissy Tiegen)

Recipe

I want to remind you about one of my greatest-of-all-time salads: creamy, cheesy orzo salad with roasted cauliflower. I like the one-two punch of salty feta and sweet dried cherries that balance each other out, but feel free to have fun with this one! Swap in a different roasted veggie, add some nuts or a different dried fruit, or use a milder cheese. You really can’t go wrong here!

Main Courses

Loaded Mexican Style Sweet Potato Skins (Courtesy of Deliciously Ella)

Recipe

These stuffed sweet potatoes are an adaption of the classic ones we shared a few years ago, and after lots of request for a sweet potato version we made these beauties! Crispy sweet potato skins stuffed with mashed sweet potato, black beans, cherry tomatoes, chipotle, miso and coriander, topped with a dollop of tahini coconut yoghurt and homemade guacamole.

Pumpkin cheese stuffed pasta bolognese bake (Courtesy of Half Baked Harvest)

Recipe

Pumpkin Cheese Stuffed Shells Bolognese Bake…the perfect warming dinner to welcome the start of autumn. It’s the coziest pumpkin pasta bake! Jumbo pasta shells stuffed with pumpkin, cheese, and fresh sage. Then baked in a spicy Bolognese style red sauce that’s saucy, a touch spicy, creamy, and so delicious! This is a great fall pasta to serve any night of the week, or for your next gathering with family or friends.

Pasta e Piselli (Courtesy of Rachel Ray)

Recipe

Nothing says "spring" to me more than fresh peas ("piselli" in Italian). This dish is so simple and sweet, like buttered noodles. It appeals to my inner child. –Rach

Homemade Gnocchi (Courtesy of Trisha Yearwood)

Recipe

Freeze extra gnocchi until solid right on the floured baking sheet, then pack them in plastic ziptop bags to have for dinner later in the week.

Pot Roast (Courtesy of the Food Network)

Recipe

The secret to a flavorful pot roast is browning the meat and onions before roasting, which adds a rich meaty flavor and caramelized sweetness. This step is what separates our recipe from many others that use a slow cooker. And also unlike a slow cooker recipe, our sauce is simmered to reduce a little which concentrates the flavors. What you'll end up with is a roast that's fall-apart tender with a velvety sauce and delicious vegetables.

Sweets

Chocolate-Dipped Shortbread Cookie Recipe (Courtesy of Magnolia Table)

Recipe

Nothing says Christmastime quite like a kitchen full of freshly baked cookies, and this year we’re putting a little twist on a classic favorite: shortbread cookies! This recipe is from the Magnolia Table cookbook, and to add something fun for the holidays, we’re dipping them in chocolate and sprinkling on some festive toppings

Apple Crisp (Courtesy of Pioneer Woman)

Recipe

Ree throws together her father-in-law’s favorite dessert using a full pan of sliced apples topped with a generous helping of sugar and oats.

The Best Creme Brulee (Courtesy of the Food Network)

Recipe

We wanted a rich and creamy custard that wasn't too sweet, so we could fully enjoy the signature crunchy layer of caramelized sugar on top. By only using egg yolks, we achieved a soft and creamy texture. We tried using milk and half-and-half but, in the end, we landed with heavy cream for its richness. Whole vanilla beans give a more intense, pure vanilla flavor that you can't get from extract. We also like seeing the vanilla seeds flecked throughout the custard.

Bon Apetit Y’all!

For a Season

Since I was a wee sequin I had a really weird relationship with friendships. I’m intensly loyal and a team player. I truly thought that it was on me to make friendships work for life or there was some shame if you didn’t stay friends with someone. I also thought if a friendship wasn’t working I had to have some serious sit down conversation with that person to talk it out. For me, I have trust issues. I hold a lot inside. When I share parts of me, I fear that if a friendship ends, someone is going to use that against me. Or share my personal secrets with the world. A whole mess of issues right?!

At 35, I have finally figured out that’s all shit.

Friendships should absolutely be invested in. But let me let you in on a little secret — most friendships are for a season.

And sometimes shitty people do share your personal secrets. But that’s not on you. Those are shitty people.

But if we are very lucky, we will have a friendship or two that lasts a lifetime. Mostly though, friendships evolve as you do.

It took me far too long to get completely comfortable with myself, to evolve into the real me, and to genuinely be happy with who that is.

I’ve evolved greatly since I started making friends - OBVIOUSLY. As anyone should. As everyone should.

Specifically in 2020 I did work to better myself. To address my traumas and to not let anyone but myself decide who and what matters to me. My greatest influence is now ME.

Add on top of that and everything that 2020 was, I really took a hard look at what my values are, who shares those values, and who gives me life versus who drains me.

And I started to phase out the people who don’t match my values or that drain my energy.

Early on I had a bit of a blow up with a really close childhood friend. I’m talking 25+ years of friendship. She really deeply hurt me and we spent time apart. I truly thought the friendship might be over. To me, it was worth the conversation to explain how hurt I was. This person has been there through a lot of phases of my life and is important to me. She took time, I took time and she came back and stepped up. I can tell I matter to her and she values my friendship enough to put the work in. We have more real conversations. If anything, I think its going to make us stronger.

Then COVID hit in March, and with that came restrictions and tough choices that a lot of us have had to make. Then racial tension hit an all time high and more tough choices had to be made.

2020 has been a year that people really had to step up and prove they are the values they talk about. People have really had to show up and take a stand. If not with their words, with their actions.

I’ve watched a lot of people I thought would hold to their values completely disappoint me. And while I have spoken up to many, a lot of these folks aren’t open to listening or seeing the selfishness of their ways. They don’t get it. They really think because you can do something means it’s ok. They don’t even consider the affects on others. The awareness isn’t there. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Who you are is who you are in hard times. It’s who you are when tough choices have to be made. How you react at that time, that’s who you are.

My values don’t align with those people or those choices. I’m also not one to sit back and avoid the conflict by smiling and faking my way through it. 2020 has been some serious shit. I plan to be on the right side of history. If anything, I am ashamed I haven’t done more before. That won’t happen again.

So I distanced myself from some friends. Because my energy is bigger than sitting in the comfort I could so easily choose. I’m moving to a new phase and that means some friendships will slowly fade away.

I’m proud of myself for that. I’m proud that I didn’t need the conversation. I didn’t need the big dramatic anything. I’m proud that for me, it’s about just moving on and recognizing that some friends are for a season.

I think its important to know that we are also seasonal friends for our friends. I’ve changed a lot in the past few years, 2020 more than ever. And who I am now doesn’t align with the pahses of life some of my friends are in. And that’s ok.

Being able to acknowledge that some friendships are for certain seasons in life is critical to growing up. It’s a bit sad it took me this long to understand that.

What I understand now is there is nothing wrong with me and there’s not really necessary anything wrong with these friends. It’s just understanding that friends you gravitate to serve a purpose for you at that time in your life. And the relationship works for you both until it doesn’t. And that’s ok. Priorities change. Values can change. Sometimes those values are put to the test and not everyone is willing to live those values they talk about.

It matters that I continue to prioritize my own values and needs in friendships. That I don’t allow outside noise to cloud my judgement or influence my emotions. It’s been life changing so far and I refuse to go back.

And If you are lucky enough to have some friends that you know will last a lifetime (I am so grateful to have a few of you!), apprecaite that. Feed those relationships. They are your soulmates. You should also apprecaite the friends you have for a season. They’re valuable and they helped you become who you are, for better or worse. But also understand and respect that some friends are for a season for a reason. Wish them well and continue on your journey.

The coolest thing about life is that we get to meet and be part of so many people’s lives. Even if only for a brief time, you impact the lives of others and they impact yours. That’s pretty damn magical.

Boundary Buddies

I have a really hard time setting boundaries at work. I am a token overachiever, type A, OCD human and I find it almost impossible to detach from that. I can finally say that at this point in my life, I am unwilling to priotize work above all else. My personal time & life matters to me so much. Work doesn’t define me and I am not defined by my work.

Now that I’m starting a new job, I want to set expectations and bnoundaries in advance and avoid burning myself out. The only way I’ve determine that can be done is with the help of a boundary buddy. Or an accountability partner? Whatever term you use, I’m getting one.

My boundary buddy actually suggested this to me. She saw my anxiety over getting myself in another situation where I feel the need to prove myself and forget to set boundaries and she said you’re too old for this and it’s not happening this time around. We also deeply connect on a spiritual level and understand each other and whatb we want in life.

And thus the boundary buddy was born.

We have set biweekly check ins with each other to ensure that I’m sticking with my new plan. We also talk about things we both struggle with between work, love and life because that’s what buds do - they help each other.

For me — the focus right now is boundary setting.

Having someone checking in and calling me out on my actions is really important. It keeps me accountable and to be honest, I don’t want to let her down because she believes in me and a well rounded life.

I get that being a grown woman and having someone else keep me accountable seems a bit off. But I deeply struggle with boundaries and if I’m left to my own devices, no boundaries will be set. I need a coach and an accountability buddy to get me in the groove and on the right track.

The hope is that eventually I’ll be able to set boundaries and hold to them on my own.

Moral of the stroy today? Sometimes life is really hard. Sometimes we struggle greatly with aspects of it. Sometimes we need a little help.

That’s brave. And that’s progress. Saying I can’t do this on my own, please help me is the scariest and bravest thing I have ever done. The fact that I’m even at this point is something I attribute to a mix of therapy, medication and doing the damn work.

I am one independent babe, but needing help isn’t shameful, it’s recognizing that life is meant to be done in teams. And I want to be on a winning one.

Full Circle

Until the age of 26, I spent my entire life in California. I left California for Colorado without knowing a soul. That life changing decision sent me on a journey that would take me to three other states and back to California a couple times. It also empowered me to grow and develop into the confident and independent woman I am today.

I also fell in love with Colorado.

Ever since I left, I have wanted to come back. The mountains, the snow, the sunshine, the sports, the food — Colorado has it all. It’s also affordable. The pace of life is a little slower. And the people are really open and kind to each other. Denver specifically has been my happy place for 5+ years now.

2020 has been a tough journey. I know that I’ve said that about a few years in my life and I know that 2020 has been a tough journey for a lot of people. I didn’t talk a lot about my own struggles because compared to so many, I am beyond lucky.

2020 also brought me everything I’ve been talking about and dreaming of for years. And it feels surreal. I haven’t shared much with those outside of my close circle. It feels unnecessaery to flaunt when so many are suffering. (I am also really enjoying keeping more things to myself these days — to celebrate with the people who are really part of my journey but more of that to come in another blog…).

I am also so proud of myself. I have continued to work hard, be a good human, and manifest good for myself and others.

I am most importantly beyond grateful. I feel so lucky that after the year 2020 has given us, I ended it with complete joy.

All of this to say — I hope you are brave enough to make big decisions and to do things that scare you. I hope you accept the good things that come your way. I hope you don’t give up when things are hard. I hope you continue to work hard and be humble. I hope you continue to be kind. I hope you believe in yourself.

Hard times will come again. Nothing is perfect. But the more I live — the more I believe in the full circle. That the highs and lows rotate, but the better human you are, the harder you work — the higher those highs can be.

For now, I am going to be grateful, I am going to be proud and I am going to enjoy the gitft I have been given. I’m going to soak every last moment in.

See you soon Colorado — things are about to get a whole lot sparklier!

Shine Bright. Be Bold.

I have lived by the motto “Shine Bright. Be Bold.” for a really long time. In fact, ir’s the tagline on the front page of this blog. But what does that mean to me?

Shine bright means owning who you are unapolagetically. It means allowing your soul to guide you in everything you do. To shine bright means to exist in the world in a way that is authentically letting the YOU be your guiding light. For me, that means owning that I am loud, happy, fun, and sparkle obsessed. I am a lot and not everyone will love me, but I’m going to shine bright anyways.

Be bold means to take risks. To push yourself. To ask more of yourself and those around you. It means to dare to get the most out of the short time we have on this Earth. To me, being bold means to be scared and do it anyways.

Whenever I make decisions in life, I check in with how each choice meets the expectations of my motto. Leave home for a brand new state? That’s bold. Refuse to accept being told I’m too much? That’s shining really bright.

A motto helps me feel like I’ve got a true North. It helps me to get through life with my values in tact. It’s also completely something my type A, former athlete, control freak self thrives on.

At a time when a lot of folks are looking to create resolutions and life changes — may I suggest a life motto? Something that represents your values and your desires in life.

A motto is an incredible way to hold yourself accountable for the foreseeble future. And the great thing about it - it can evolve as you evolve!

The best part about a motto? It reminds me of being on a team. The very best team — my own! Shine Bright, Be Bold is my anthem. It keeps me focused on #1, ME!

Get you a motto and next level your life!