New Year, Same Sparkle

It’s time, the New Year, Same Sparkle post! I use the same title every year because 1. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions and 2. It’s pretty damn accurate.

Look we all know NYE is different in 2020. I hope you are all staying home, staying safe and being respectful of the world in which we live in right now. If you’re not, you’re trash. And I sincerely mean that.

I am spending the evening playing games with my Colorado quaranteam. It’s a very small group of safe friends. A very exclusive club — and no, you can’t sit with us. It’s a pandemic, please go home.

Because I don’t buy into resolutions, NYE is honestly just another day for me. I don’t really reflect that heavily on the year, I don’t think about changing in the new year.

Because 2020 has been anything but a normal year, it makes sense that I might feel a little different.

I’m still the same me, but I believe that I’ve become more me. I’ve embraced therapy whole heartedly and that means my growth into loving myself and owning who I am is off the charts.

I genuinely feel the best I ever have in my life.

So maybe new year, more sparkle?

I’ve struggled a lot with a lot this year, namely aging. I’m embracing it, but it’s also terrified me to be 35. It really really was a hard thing to face for whatever reason. Sitting at home all year and having time to look into the why of that — led me to a real breakthrough. Age ain’t shit. Write that down. It’s science.

That breakthrough has also made me feel so much ownership in the life I want to create. In 2021, I hope to continue to prioritize that.

It has also pushed me to own and celebrate who I am. And to not allow anyone else to tell me otherwise. In 2021, I hope to continue to show that.

That breakthrough has given me the courage to take a big risk, in 2021, I hope to continue to take big risks — especially when I’m scared to do so.

2021 is a new year, and while the pandemic isn’t over and there is so much to fix in this country — I am excited for all that is to come.

I hope things never go back to normal. I hope we raise hell and affect real change.

And next year I hope to tell you I’m my sparkliest yet.

Edit: Since I wrote this I decided to stay home entirely. It’s not worth the risk and because my friends are dope, they get it and respect it.

Sparkle Season

I fucking love Christmas. I love the whole holiday season. The glitz the glam the cozy vibes. I am Hallmark’s target audience and I have no shame in my holiday game. One of my favorite parts of the whole thing is the decor. The shiny things, the lights, it’s all magic and brings a smile to my face.

To me, the holidays mean celebration. It’s a time to celebrate the year leading up to this time and the people who have made it what it is.

In 2020, it can feel hard to celebrate. There has been devastating loss of life and complete destruction. Our country has been pulled by hate, corruption and complete letdown by the government that is supposed to protect us.

I sit here from a place of complete privlege. I am healthy. My family has stayed relatively healthy (multiple family members have beat covid). I have a job, a really good one. While I have faced great mental health challenges, I have also thrived. I am luckier than a lot of people right now. For that I am grateful.

I have been lucky enough to give back. For that I am grateful.

I have a comfortable, safe home to stay home in. For that I am grateful.

There is food on my table, clothes on my back, and money in my bank account. For that I am grateful.

2020 has not been the year I wanted. I’ve missed out on trips, time with loved ones, and it has been isolating at times. But I cannot help but feel grateful.

By no means do I want to belittle any struggles of anyone, myself included. Yet it a year of complete devastation for so many, I am grateful.

I have had the time and resources to get involved in the fight for social justice. I text banked during the election. I gave to shelters and food banks.

2020 has been a year that has humbled me. It has allowed me perspective and focuse on the people and the things that truly matter. It has built an exorbant amount of empathy in my heart for the people that were not born with my privielge.

The Holiday Season for me in 2020 is a gift. It’s the sparkles and the sequins but it’s the gratitude for me. I may not feel the usual celebratory glow that I used to this time of year, but I feel so much gratitude.

2020 changes so many of us. I hope those changes last us a lifetime.

Thing I Learn in Therapy

I’ve been committed tot herapy for a few years now. I regularly meet with my therapist (birtually during the pandemic) and commit to doing the work to make myself a better, happier human being.

Because I tend to have a really hard time talking to people in my life about how I feel, therapy is a way for me to open up to an impartial party and get guidance on what' to do.

Once in awhile I like to share things I learn because they’ve greatly helped me and I think that’s important to talk about.

Recently I have struggled with insomnia. In general I sleep about 4 hours a night. It leaves me exhausted and with a foggy mindset. I also just feel unhealthy and not myself.

I’ve done it all. I’ve done white noise, pink noise, blue noise - all the noise! Aromatherapy, the best in beds, sheets and pillows! Adjusted temperature, boguht the coziest sleepwear ever, played with timing. I even got to the point that I sought medical intervention. Turns out I have an extremely high tolerance to any sleep medication. I can take an Ambien - even two, with no effect.

Last week my therapist asked me to start visualizing my happy place. When my mind is unable to shut off, I am to interrupt myself over and over with visions of where I feel happiest. For me, that’s the track. For you that might be a beach. The point is, go somewhere that you feel safe, empowered, and calm.

The first night I was less than succesful. Truth be told it took me a whole week to be able to actually distract myself enough to stick in my happy place. Now that I am able to stay there though, I physically feel myself relaxing. I take myself back to the track where I feel strongest and I imagine everything from a really good race to a simple Saturday workout.

It seems really simple. And it is. But the mind is a powerful thing. And conquering it’s need to overthink is no easy feat.

I’m not sleeping more than 4-5 hours yet, but I am getting better quality sleep. And I’m falling asleep faster.

Therapy is a complete lifesaver for me. A total game changer. I learn so much about myself and how to be a better me for me. If you have the means, I highlt suggest investing in yourself in the best way possible. Don’t wait until you need therapy, use it as a tool to maintain a high quality of life.

Therapy is visiting the doctor for your mind. And it’s just as important as regular visits to your primary physician.

The Single Life

AS soon as I was old enough to realize I liked men, I spent my time flirting with, dating, and at times collecting them for my roster. From age 13 to 30 (fine, 32ish), I was not single. I might not have always been in a relationship, but I was never truly single.

In my early 30’s, I stopped working so hard to have men around me. I stopped engaging with the guys that I kept around just to feed my ego. I stopped prioritizing my worth and desirability on how many men found me so. And I started prioritizing how desirable I found myself.

Most humans probably did this when they were younger. They didn’t really date until their 20’s and by 30, settled down and got married and did the two car garage two kids thing. But I’ve never really been a conventional babe.

I’ve always had a big personality. It’s not that I’ve never expressed my bold ways. But I had been athletic, pretty, skinny, smart, funny — all the things people told me, not that I knew about myself —so I sort of just fell into those roles.

I loved a lot of those things, and they’ve helped make me the woman I am today, but I also fit myself into spaces because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.

Dating and relationships have always been one of the bigger boxes to fit into for me. I’ve really struggled with retraining my brain to break from the ideas society taught me growing up.

As independent, adventurous, and happy as I genuinely am — I cannot express enough that I absolutely have moments where I freak out because I’m single. There’s still a small part of me that says without a partner, you are less worthy.

And that’s hard for me to say out loud.

What is more common though is I’ve learned to absolutely thrive.

Learning to sit in being single has been the most rewarding (and challenging) thing I have ever done. I know who I am (and am ever evolving). I am confident in what I want and I’ve taken the time to figure out what that is, independent of anyone else’s influence.

I am also significantly more private when I do date. So private that I really don’t talk about it at all.

I think a lot of people wonder why I’ve been single so long. Being 35, people have questions. They like to ask at weddings when mine will be.

Truth be told, no idea if or when I’ll get married.

I do know that I’m the happiest I have ever been with who I am at 35. I believe all the good things people have told me about myself and I’ve even added some more that I tell myself. I care less about what other people have to say about me in general and more about what I think of myself.

I do more of what makes me comfortable and happy rather than relying on what others tell me I should do to make others comfortable and happy.

I have made myself and my full life the guiding force in everything I do.

And while that confuses some people, while others want to assume single means unhappy, that isn’t my business. Their inability to understand my life is not for me to worry about.

If one day the right person comes along and I decide to keep him longer than a few weeks, I’m very open to that. I’m more open and in a place to accept real love than I’ve ever been before. That also means I’m not willing to extend time or energy on anything or anyone that doesn’t make me feel sparkly inside.

For me, that’s the best I could ever hope for in life. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy, fulfilled, and excited to experience each day. I can honestly say that most of my days are spent feeling this way.

And while I’ve got more growing and self discovery to do, I’m pretty damn happy with where I’m at and where I’m headed. Single or not. I’ve got a whole lot of living to do.

The Guilt is Heavy

I am exhausted. I am anxious. My insomnia has been completely unmanageable. I’ve really struggled the past month and I feel guilty for that.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Gainfully employed. Incredible benefits. I’m generally healthy. I have a great support system. A safe home. I have every basic need and more during this time.

So I truly struggle with the idea that I can struggle during this time.

I know that’s unrealistic. Comparing traumas or hardships or feelings is not healthy and it isn’t helpful to downplay my own issues.

I think there’s a balance.

It’s ok to struggle but have an understanding that it could be worse. There’s no need to downplay your feelings or needs but there is something to be said for being grateful for what you do have.

I’m not talking toxic positivity. I’m talking perspective.

If 2020 has taught me anything its that I don’t need a whole lot of the things I thought I did. I want a lot of things but don’t truly need them.

So while my anxiety and stress and the things I’m going through this year are very real and very valid, I can take solace in the fact that my life is pretty damn good.

It’s a weird year. And it doesn’t end just because the clock strikes 12 on December 31st.

Give yourself grace to struggle and persevere. Give yourself time to just sit in whatever moment you need to. And without engaging in toxic positivity, gain a little perspective and know that being grateful helps any situation.

Thank{ful}

Thanksgiving is weird. We all know by now the white men that came through and pillaged America aren’t exact what we should be celebrating. I’m also generally not for specific holidays telling you to give thanks. I do a lot of feeling grateful everyday.

In fact for almost 9 months now, I have listed three things I’m grateful for. Ad today, I’m thankful for that. Can you be thankful for gratitude?

I’m celebrating that I take the time everyday to reflect on the day and what I have to be grateful for. Whether it’s as simple as a really good meal or election results, it gives me a way to end my day on a high and set myself up for success tomorrow.

Is everyday amazing? Hell no. But there is good in every single day. And whether I have a bad day or not, eventually a good one will follow.

I hope you spend time with people you love today and I hope you are thankful. I also hope that you incorporate thankful into your everyday.

And to be honest, in the spirit of understanding Thanksgiving is kind of a shit Holiday given the history, I hope you express gratitude for the diversity in America and the changes we are working towards.

That’s all I ask. Give some thanks for your life everyday and give some thanks today for the future of our country.

Today I’m grateful, I’m thankful and I’m committed to bringing more of that into my life.

We did it

We fucking did it yall! We made that racist, sexual predator a ONE TERM President.

I am so proud to be an American today. After four years of not wanting to tell people I’m American, today I look forward to traveling the world and saying we fixed our biggest mistake.

Yes, we have a lot of work to do. It is unacceptable that so many people voted for him after four years of what we just went through. White people, we have a lot of fixing to do. I am fully committed to continuing the tough conversations because it is disgusting how many people said you know what? I’m cool with white supremacy, let’s keep it. Science? Don’t need it. Americans dying? As long as it’s not me!

But today, I’m happy. And I’m excited. A Black woman is in the White House. We have a president who sounds like a leader. He speaks on complete sentences. He doesn’t fuel hate. I feel like I can take a deep exhale and focus on real change, because the new guy? He’s got out back.

Was Joe Biden my first choice? Hell no. But I am so proud and happy to see him on stage. And I cannot wait to hold him accountable these next four years.

America has the opportunity to move forward. And to work really hard to never put ourselves through 2016 again.

For anyone out there unwilling to accept this new time — get over it. Get on board with a future filled with empathy, climate care, equality, EMPATHY - or you know what — we will still fight for those things for you, without you. It’s your choice. Stick with hate in your heart or turn to love. Because with or without you, we are changing this country.

Im just happy. I’m so happy for all of the historical wins, the future. I’m happy for Black women finally winning because they do a whole lot of the work. A Black woman damn well deserved to smash the glass ceiling of the White House first. I’m happy there’s dogs in the White House again. I’m happy there’s kindness in the White House again. I’m happy Joe has the Obamas to lean on. I’m just happy.

This may not be the most well written post. Nor really have any true point. I’m just happy. We did it yall. Now let’s get to fucking work.

Silver Linings Playbook

I’ve got a hot take that I want to first recognize is even possible because I have privilege.

Ready?

2020 is not that bad.

Let me explain.

Because I am privileged and have a job, a safe home and access to all my basic needs; I have focused on how grateful I am. And it’s changed my perspective on 2020.

Yes, I have had to cancel trips. Work has been extremely stressful. My anxiety has been a daily struggle. Depression has come back for the first time since I was a teenager. I don’t get to see a lot of family and friends. Concerts, sports - all canceled.

But I also have everything I need to survive and even thrive.

I am building relationships with people who I might not have if 2020 was a normal year. I am seeing more National Parks. I have time to workout more. I’m reading an average of two books a week. I am learning about boundaries and how to prioritize myself. I get to spend time with family. I’m more involved in political and social awareness and I’m putting in the work to make a difference. I’m realizing that work doesn’t define me.

All in all, I’m finding that I have more time to do a lot of the “I’ll get to it” things that I never actually had the time to do before.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough, I am lucky. I am privileged. There are people who have none of this.

That’s a big reason why I am choosing to be grateful. Its why I want to focus on the good of 2020. Because it could be so much worse. And I know how easily I could lose it all.

I suggest that if you are as lucky as I am, you spend time talking about how lucky you are. You focus on the good around you and how you can potentially effect good around you. Certainly I’m not trying to downplay hardships we all have. My life is far from perfect in 2020 but it is good enough.

I get that we all love the memes and the 2020 jokes. They’re pretty damn funny. I just find that focusing on the silver linings and the things I’m grateful for is where my energy is best served.

2020 is not my favorite year, but it is a year I won’t give up on. I won’t chalk it up to a loss and I won’t call it the worst. I will call it the year that I learned to be more kind. More patient. More grateful. More aware of the life I have both been given and built.

I have always been attracted to shiny things, silver linings will always be one of those things.

Political

A lot of folks lately have commented that I am more political in 2020. And I gotta say, that’s a bit ignorant and misguided.

I am passionate about social justice, human rights, and the environment. And the only tie that has into politics is the voting to ensure equality and protections.

I don’t actually support our current political system. I find it outdated, messy, and extremely incompetent. I don’t believe in Democrat or Republican or the party system.

What I do care about is other people and a world bigger than myself. That’s not political.

I generally shrug off these folks as unaware because it’s quite frankly exhausting to explain to people who mostly don’t get it. When it comes to our political system, I actually have a lot to learn. Some of which I’m doing purely to ensure that I know how to help change the system Im learning about.

But Id like to address it here. I’m not political. I’m just not an asshole.

The things happening in our world are not a matter of simple political beliefs. We passed that a very long time ago. This is about so much more and that is what I care about. The right to equality. To make choices about my body. To provide basic healthcare to everyone. To make sure Mother Earth is here in 20 years.

I am educated because I do the research and because I care enough to put effort and energy into ensuring others have a life that affords them the things I’m afforded.

I am more than willing to help friends and teach them how to learn and get involved, but in this climate, people need to stop making excuses and start being better citizens of the world.

It’s not politics. It’s people.

Put in the work. Do the research. Ignorance is inexcusable. “Not being political” is a privileged and ignorant way of saying “I don’t care about this because it doesn’t affect me.” And I don’t have time for that anymore. I don’t know how to teach you to care and I don’t have the energy to care about you anymore if you don’t care about others.

In 2020 I’m more aware because I’m putting in the work and I realized being passively active in changing the world isn’t doing anything. I had to step up and actively work to do more and be better for the future of myself and others and this planet.

I get it, that sounds dramatic. But I’ve never been one to sit by and rely on others to get the job done. I’m also deeply passionate about impacting this world and the people in it in a positive way. Even if that’s only one person.

Maybe; you thinking I’m political is actually just your way of excusing your lack of involvement in making this world a better place, in caring about someone other than yourself. Maybe it makes you comfortable to think “she just loves politics and that’s not for me.” Truth of the matter, I’m not political and you might just be an asshole.

Pivot

Another lesson from sports you say? Don’t mind if I do!

Athletes are taught to set a goal, work for it, and achieve it. When we don’t, it’s a failure. There’s no live and learn, there’s do or don’t. You win or you lose.

That’s a philosophy I’ve taken into my every day life. It’s also one of the lessons I learned from being an athlete that really doesn’t apply to every other aspect of my world.

I have about a billion goals. I’m a dreamer. There’s no one track mind anymore to the way I live and if 2020 has taught me anything it’s that I’m a capable, evolving and thriving babe.

Things I never thought I could do or would do in life are happening for me. Confidence I never thought possible is something I wake up wearing.

That whole life plan I made for myself that I chose to pivot from two years ago? It’s led me to realize that having a plan is incredible, but being able to adjust and embrace new plans can take you farther than you ever thought possible.

There are a thousand goals I set for myself that I haven’t met yet. Some of which I have crossed off my to do list entirely. And that doesn’t mean I’ve failed. It means I’ve matured enough to know that my dreams and goals are allowed and encouraged to evolve as I do.

So no, I haven’t written that book yet. And I didn’t go to law school. I don’t own my own home. I am not living abroad.

You know what I am doing though? I’m working at a company I love. I’m finding a new passion for being much more active in social justice and the environment. I’m consistently writing my blog. I keep myself and my dog alive and healthy everyday.

I am living.

And as a newly mid thirties woman — I feel this makes me qualified to say — I hope you give yourself space to live. Because living is how you become successful. It’s how you discover your passions and achieve the goals that make you feel your best.

And really living that means taking a pivot once in awhile to keep up.