Birthday Babe

Annual Birthday Blog! Another year older, wiser, and sparklier! Obviously.

This year is a milestone, and not one of those milestones where you smile at 30 like “ugh I’m SO old, hehe!” I’m 35 now, and on paper that’s a significant number. I get it, that’s still young, but I’m perpetually in that “I feel 25” phase of life so when I look at something that tells me I’m 35, I want to scream “LIAR!”

I already did the whole “the party isn’t over” post. And we covered my thoughts on needles and procedures. I even updated you on my thoughts on romance. So surely what’s left?

In 2020,I want to just celebrate.

I want to celebrate who I am at 35.

Happy Birthday to the woman who feels more herself than she ever has before. Who qualifies her beliefs less. Apologizes for her loud opinionated ways all but never. The woman who has accepted that her life is a bit dramatic and has chosen not to take that as something I’ve created but the extra sparkly life I was given. To the woman who gets self conscious about her body at times, and yet is still the most naked friend we have. Who has committed the time, energy and openness to therapy. Who risks a little vulnerability for love but who has found it in her to walk away rather than stay for attention.

I choose to celebrate who I am today. Because 2020 has been a consistent refreshing of twitter only to find something else awful has showed up to ruin our days.

I choose to celebrate being 35 on paper and 25 at heart. Because while I pay all my bills and I eat my vegetables, sometimes I drink too much and only eat chocolate for dinner.

I choose to celebrate period. Because aging is truly a privilege, and I’ve certainly made the most of the years I’ve got. I cannot wait to continue to celebrate every day. Birthday or not.

Cheers sequins!

Validation

The only validation I ever thought I needed in life was parking. Athletes are trained to work hard and stay humble. Validation is braggadocios and everything is earned as a team.

I struggle with compliments and credit. Traditionally if you tell me I did something great, I’m going to point to 3 other people who helped to make it happen. Awards are great when they’re based on tangible achievements like 1st place, but I’m still going to thank my coaches, trainers, and teammates for getting me there.

This has been my norm. Forever. And while I think that is lovely and serves a very important purpose, I’ve realized that there are times I should have said thank you, I did achieve this thing and I did it because I worked hard. Yes, this was my idea and it was a good one.

I also never realized how much I needed to hear validation.

Recently, I have had a few friends come forward to thank me for things that I have spent years accepting about myself. Things others like to belittle and criticize me for.

And I didn’t realize how incredible that felt. To be seen, heard, and just appreciated for things that I deeply value as part of who I am.

People that are comfortable in their own skin, who are loud, opinionated, and come off as confident and secure are the people others forget to validate.

Sure, I have often been complimented on things like my athletic ability and my physical appearance but rarely do I hear praise for who I am. In fact, more often than not, because I am perceived as strong, people feel more comfortable criticizing me than they do complimenting me.

I’m well aware that has to do with their own insecurities. If I wasn't strong,I wouldn’t be able to go through life the way I have. To achieve the things that I have and will continue to achieve. Yet does being strong mean you aren’t deserving of validation? It doesn’t.

Quite frankly, I’ve had a little pep in my sparkly step since these wonderful humans took the time out of nowhere to tell me these wonderful things. It felt really good to know people I love have such praise for me. It made me realize, I need to continue to work to be open about the things I’ve been more open about lately. I think making myself more vulnerable has allowed others to see I am just as human as the next babe.

I may be strong. I may use humor to make light of everything. But I am still just figuring life out like everyone else. That means I’m not only in need of validation, I’m now expecting it once in awhile.

I hope that if you are like me, you too learn that there is nothing wrong with being the friend who will always be OK; but that doesn’t mean your people don’t have to tell you that you matter. That your particular quirks and attributes are to be celebrated and they love you for them.

Next time you get that coveted parking validation, don’t forget to get your self validation stamped too babe!

Gratitude

Over the last 6 months I made a decision to focus on gratitude. Every day I have written down (and posted on social media) three things I am grateful for. And it’s changed who I am.

I had always heard that focusing on being grateful can change your life. That taking time time to actually think about and write down what you’re grateful for can shift your mindset. I never believed it could do that much. I was wrong.

In general I am a positive and grateful human being. I am acutely aware of the privileges I have been born into, given, and worked for. I enjoy being happy. I truly am able to find the good on every situation.

Yet writing down the things I am grateful for each day has really allowed me to focus more on those things.

When I first started to write down my daily gratitude, I struggled. I had always thought these things had to be profound to count. That’s wrong. You can be grateful for the little things too. In fact, I encourage you to be.

When I realized I was 6 months into this thing, I started to really look at the impact it’s had on my life. I am more committed to the things that matter. I am less willing to disturb my peace for trivial things. I’m significantly more grateful for 2020 and the lessons it’s teaching me. I refuse to call it a terrible year. I’m giving focus to my passions and values. Overall, I feel better able to handle what life throws at me.

Gratitude can’t solve everything. I realize I am lucky to have a job, my health, family, friends — even good food on the table. And I am eternally grateful this year looks like that for me. It does not for everyone.

All the same, committing time to gratitude has given me a gift. It’s given me perspective and it’s given me time to see the positives in my life.

The world is insane right now. And gratitude won’t solve everything, but it can change your perspective. It can offer you some sense of normalcy. And it can show you that as bad as things can be, there are silver linings.

Dangers of Social Media

Social media has been a game changer in the world. It’s allowed people to reconnect, found organ donors, and is a great way to keep up with people we don’t talk to everyday.

Social media is also a dangerous place.

Social media is run by tech giants. And technology while magical is also a place where privacy is lost, data is stolen, and information lives forever.

I am so thankful we didn’t really have social media when I was growing up. We had AOL and MySpace was just beginning but smart phones weren’t huge and we weren’t constantly connected in the way in which kids and teens are now.

I watched Social Dilemma the other day on Netflix and being that I work in tech, I wasn’t super surprised to hear about all the ethical dilemmas and concerns around social media use. It was however extremely helpful to remind me just how addicted I can be to my own device. It also reminded me how this next generation is using social media in a way that can cause extreme self harm.

We didn’t have filters when I was a teenager or even into college. We posted pictures as is. Nowadays, between influencers and celebrities - I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen an unfiltered, non surgically enhanced photo of really anyone. Kids are growing up comparing themselves to the lives they see on social media. And often times, they’re unaware that social media is purely a carefully crafted highlight reel. This causes self doubt, self hate, and a constant anxiety over Keeping up with the Kardashians. It’s not real, it’s not attainable for most, and it’s not important. And yet it’s all these kids know.

On top of the self image issues, most young people don’t pay attention to or understands the security concerns and loss of privacy associated with social media. Between companies selling your data to sending nudes on snapchat, there’s no taking back something you put into the social media universe. Sharing location can create unsafe situations for these kids as well.

One of the most dangerous and relevant to today issues on social media platforms such as Facebook is of course misinformation. We saw it cause Trump to steal the 2016 election and it’s happening again. Bots and extreme groups are spreading misinformation that shifts the way in which Americans vote. People assume what they see on the internet is true. And if they see a source, they assume that information is factual. People are simply not taking the time to research and understand what is reliable and what is not true. Social media is unfortunately a big player in that game and should be held accountable.

Social media is incredible. I am guilty of using it too often myself. But realistically, we need to start asking questions and holding these platforms accountable for ethics in this space. Social media is dangerous. It shouldn’t be treated as a free space to do whatever just because people have the ability to hide behind a desk or screen.

I’m in the tech world, I love technology and it pays my bills. But I’m also a human being with really high ethics. And I want this industry to be more regulated before it becomes completely out of control. Our country and our lives depend on that regulation so that we avoid another 2020.

Body Confidence

This one isn’t what you think. I’m not talking about physical body confidence. I’m talking about the confidence a woman specifically has to do what is best for her body. To make choices about what she does to it, how she cares for it, who she allows near it — body as an object women are often taught to use or not use how society tells us.

Women spend a lot of time being told about our bodies. How they should look. Who we should let touch them. What it costs to take care of them. What is shameful about them. The list goes on. And that’s a list we are introduced to from a very young age.

More and more - through social media, through the current political and social climate — women are being shown how we should operate our bodies.

We need to be thin but thick. Sexual but not slutty. Hide your tampons when you go to the restroom. Shave your body hair but have super thick hair on your head.

Really old, really ignorant white men get to sit around and talk about our healthcare rights and the choices we get to make about our own bodies.

Unfortunately a lot of the mentality behind this has everything to do with how we are brought up and what we are exposed to.

We need to start early and often when it comes to educating women on their bodies and making choices for themselves based on what is healthy and makes them happy.

Women are fully capable and should have full decision making abilities when it comes to our own bodies. Full stop. That is a nonnegotiable. If you disagree with that, I disagree with who you are.

I don’t have many memories where I have been told that I should or shouldn’t do anything with my body. As a kid my dad even spoke about periods in a very normalized way. So I grew up thinking (and still do) that having a period is a normal life milestone and anyone who couldn’t act that way is just not a mature human being.

I was never told to wait until marriage to have sex. In fact I remember being told that if I ever became pregnant my parents wanted me to feel safe in coming to them so I could make whatever decision worked for me and I’d have a support system.

I have no memories of being told to dress any certain way. Even when I developed my junior year of high school, if I wore something that revealed a little skin, that wasn’t shameful.

Throughout my life I have been more confident in my choices about my body because I have never been taught not to. I have never been told to do anything because I was taught that I am fully capable of learning the facts and doing what I feel is healthiest and happiest for me.

We need to be teaching little girls this from the start. That nobody is better suited to make choices about your body like you are. You have the tools to make the decisions that will be the best for you.

We also need to be teaching little boys this. We need to teach them that women are fully capable and the foremost experts on decisions regarding their own bodies. That no man should shame, judge or pressure a woman when it comes to her body. That he should sit back and respect that it is her body, her choice.

And before you ask, yes, even when it comes to abortion. If you are not ok with an abortion as a man, do not have sex unless it is with a woman who shares your same views. That is the choice you make. You do not get a choice after the fact. Her body, her choice.

It is well past time we subscribed to this idea that anyone has any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. And it starts with educating everyone at the start to believe this and practice this.

Women are not commodities, our bodies do not belong to the government. They are ours. And we have the right to make any decisions about them.

Teach little girls to have confidence in the choices they make about their bodies. Teach little boys to respect and uplift this message.

Is the party over?

For like my whole life I thought your 20’s were the best years you had. I thought 18-30 were your prime years to live life at 110 mph, hanging on for dear life and just living. Minimal responsibility, hot bodies, cheap drinks, no expectations of really having your shit together.

At 34 I often wonder, is the party over?

Now given we are in a pandemic, wildfires blazing, politics just out of fucking control, this could be just a 2020 panic attack. Earths mid life crisis perhaps?

For me, my 20’s were a constant rager. I think I spent 98% of my 20’s drunk, in sequins and making questionable choices. I can think of more than one occasion where I was a fucking nightmare. The too drunk friend, the friend who you’re worried is lost in a ditch, the friend who is perhaps too good of a party girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was many times the responsible friend, the one who you know has your back and if I do say so myself — the funniest teammate we got. But at times, I was just the biggest mess. Surely some stems from insecurity, some stems from wanting to prove to myself that my traumas don’t define me, and other stems from really liking to party hard!

And yet, I’ve spent far too many hours lately thinking about why I miss my 20’s so much.

Here’s why I think that is (YAS - she loves her a list!)

1. Your 20’s are low pressure

   When you’re 22, people have really low expectations for you. When you party too hard it’s an LOL, see you next weekend. You do that at 34 and you’re a train-wreck (I've been her too, my bad!). But it’s nice to make mistakes without people judging you as hard. So what if you threw up in the Taco Bell drive thru bag while still driving like a boss, you’re 22, so cute for you! Don’t have your dream job yet? It’s ok sweetie, you’re 24, can you even do math yet?

2. There’s no aging in your 20’s

   I hate me too but for all of my 20’s I basically looked 25 max. I often still get mistaken for late 20’s. Good skin, good genes, honestly I don’t deserve it. I wrecked my body in her 20’s and she still never aged. I miss late nights, not having a skincare routine, eating too much and still looking like a godt damn bombshell. Now I have bread and I can’t wear jeans for a week. Don’t do all 60832 steps of my skincare routine? My entire face is red, broken out and growing thorns. Give me 24 year old Ashley’s skin and body again please. She didn’t appreciate her then.

3. Love is for the future

   I have commitment fears. A lot of people have let me down in life and the only consistent has been that I always got me. I loved being in my 20’s because nobody expected me to settle in and get married. There was no “she’s single, what’s wrong with her?” “she’s got a whole roster of men she’s stringing along, she’s so cute what a babe” Now at 34 people are like - is she a lesbian? I’ve always always had a nice little group of men on a roster. From serious relationships to men on the bench, I’d never experienced life without having male attention until I turned 30. Whatever I know, what a hard life bitch. Thing is, women in our 30’s who are single, everyone assumes you’e unhappy. And they also like to tell you how great a mom you would be. Thanks Karen, I’d probably be a good prostitute too but you don’t have to do everything you’re good at do you?

4. Your 20’s are a joke

   Your 20’s are truly just here for a good time. There are responsibilities of course and as you get up into your late 20’s you should probably gather your shit and be responsible but for the most part you are expected to have a good time. Like you get out there, you have fun, you make weird questionable choices. When you get to your 30’s everything is all bills, my back hurts and is my 401k ok?

All that said - I sort of came to the conclusion that for the most part I just miss irresponsible fun. Other than that in my 20’s I was insecure, poor, and in general kept people at arms distance. I had the best time ever, but when I dissect some of the things I miss, I realize my 20’s were dope but my 30’s are for thriving. Here’s why:

1. Stability

   Did you guys know it’s possible not to live paycheck to paycheck? What a wild ass concept. I worked in nonprofit or sports and my salaries were questionable at best. Someone should have called someone about that. In my 30’s, I do really well. I don’t worry about my bills, buying groceries and I can afford to jet abroad for two weeks if I feel like it. I also know what I want to do in my career and I have the resume to actually go out and get it. Things are stable. They’re attainable and they’re secure and that not wanting to fill my prescriptions because I couldn’t afford it, going without meals because I needed to save - that isn’t a thing anymore.

2. I like me

   I really like me. Genuinely. I think my shit smells like rainbows unicorns and those expensive sugary drinks they serve you at all inclusive resorts. Some days I think I’m fat and look old, but most days I look in the mirror and I think, what a damn queen! I did not feel that way in my 20’s, ever. And not many people realize that. But at 34, when shit is not going to be looking up or getting better, and my aversion to plastic surgery and injections is still thriving - I’m still into what I’ve got and where I’m going. I’m proud of where I’m at in my career, I am confident in what I bring to the table as a friend and partner, and I know I can handle anything. I’m pretty dope.

3. Relationships are better

   I am learning to process my traumas and trust in the people around me. That includes opening up about who I am and what I’ve gone through in life and asking for the respect I deserve. It means letting down my guard of being the fun/funny party girl and showing that I have feelings, thoughts and ideas that matter and might not always be shiny and easy to talk about. The relationships I have romantically and with friends are more developed and authentic and I don’t feel the strain of keeping people in my life that I don’t enjoy spending time with. I value my energy, I know that it is a privilege to know me and I and demanding the same from my circle. I truly feel connected, valued and supported by the people I allow into my life. I don’t feel like I have to be everything to everyone anymore. And while this is a constant battle for me, one that I often lose, I have come so far, and I know that I will only continue to be better in this space — for others and for myself.

I really like my 30’s. I assume I’ll panic at 35 because society has taught me that’s what you do, but I know that I’ll quickly go back to feeling excited, grateful and happy for this stage in my life. I’m not quite ready to say 40 is an area I’m openly embracing because I’m not an animal, but I am ready to say bring it 35, I’m ready to thrive.

Maybe I have a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome and will always miss being 20 and a wild child. It’s a comfortable place for me to hide when I’m working on growing into a real live adult. I think that shows up when I do revert back and make some questionable choices, have too much wine and dance on tables. And quite honestly, I think those nights are ok once in a long while. For the most part though, life is good in my 30’s. I think the party looks different but it’s far from over. The party still has drinks, sequins and laughter (and I’m probably being too loud) but now I’m in better labels and drinking better wines. And that doesn’t sound too bad. Cheers!

The Evolution of an Activist

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about activism. It’s no secret that if you’ve known me for a long time, I’ve greatly evolved into someone who is spending a lot of time on educating myself and being more active in social justice.

I would say that I’ve always considered myself relatively aware but certainly not openly outspoken on things like Black Lives Matter, sexual assault, immigration - the list goes on.

And therein lies the problem.

I have been passively active instead of fiercely an advocate for others.

Obviously growing up I experienced life in a sheltered and less diverse space. A lot of the problems of the people in society that deal with everyday racism, sexism, and hate never really affected me. Or so I thought.

In reality, it’s been everywhere around me, I just existed in a place of privilege and lack of information to really acknowledge the problem. I was part of the problem.

Realizing that I have actively been part of the problem by passively being part of the solution has been an awakening for me.

I think over the years as I decided to embrace myself, confront my traumas, and trust who I am rather than who people always told me I am; I started to feel a deep need to stop hiding in my privilege.

That has led to some people speaking to me about how much “I’ve changed.” How I’m “angry" and “not accepting of other beliefs.”

I would argue that each and every one of those accusations is true. And I’m so proud that they are.

I have changed. It was about time. I am a citizen of the world and just because I’ve been dealt a better hand than some others does not mean I shouldn't use that hand to extend to another.

I am angry. I’m really angry that in 2020 we are so behind in basic humanity. I am so angry children are in cages, Black men and women are being killed by the police and that women are being raped and the attackers are called “one of the good guys.”

I am not only unwilling to accept anyone who disagrees with these things, I am openly going to call you out on these horrific practices and how you are contributing to the problem.

And I make no apologies for the new me.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to grow, evolve and become a better person. You don’t have to explain why, you don’t have to prove metrics, you don’t have to do anything but evolve. Because anyone who chooses not to evolve is not someone who is on a path to better themselves.

It’s taken awhile for me to understand who I want to be and what I want to be to the people around me and to this world. That’s included pissing off, confusing, and losing some friends and family. And it’s sad, of course it is. To say I’ve never stopped to say “am I on the right path” to myself would be a lie. But every single time the answer is yes.

I am on the right path. I am working to change the world, even if it’s just one tiny piece of that world for even one person.

I’m evolving. I will always be evolving. I’m learning and I’m sitting in uncomfortable situations, I’m having the hard conversations and I’m confronting the things that I am doing wrong while unlearning how I got to that place.

The person I am now is someone I deeply deeply love and feel pride in. I light up when I talk about things like equality, how to help survivors of sexual assault, anti-racism, fixing our broken political system, women’s rights to our bodies — these are the things that I talk faster about, raise my voice and shake my fists and make my heart beat fast. I do believe we can make changes in my lifetime. Even little ones.

The person I am now is also not for everyone. If she’s not for you, grab onto some sparkle fumes on your way to the back because I plan to keep marching on; with or without your support.

Milestones

I wanted to elaborate on milestones. As I mentioned last week, I’ve spent the last five yeas really reevaluating what life expectations actually align with what I want out of my time here.

Society does a lot to remind us that life is supposed to be an organized list of accomplishments.

You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have some kids, you retire, you die. That’s the list and everything is required in a certain time frame or your society fairy will fine you and report you to the police. And then you will go to prison and die. These are the rules.

So like a lot of us who grew up with parents who did these things, I had these expectations for myself.

And then when I didn’t check these boxes in the time frame society told me to, I started to panic.

My society fairy would show up at 24 and tell me hey babe your friends from college are actually making 6 figures in the city and you’re making $32K and can’t afford top ramen most days.

At 26 she tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gorg, know that you’ve got a whole roster of men folk (love that for you) but you should have picked and married one by now. Meanwhile it’s Sunday at 9am and you’re grabbing your shoes from this guys floor and your cousin is picking you up because you left your car at the bar (we didn’t have uber then you little Gen z babies, the walk of shame was a true experience).

At 30 the bitch straight up called and said ok we have a problem. You’e 30, unmarried, not a millionaire and everyone else is on a private jet to Mykonos but you’re drunk at the Grand Canyon.

And now in a few months, at 35, my society fairy is going to bring a committee of society fairies to stage an intervention. 35 and gasp unmarried? NO children? You’re not a homeowner counting your big fat 401k from your Tesla SUV? HOW DARE YOU! The audacity.

But alas my friends, it is true. I’m going to be all of these things and more.

And I’d like to say to my society fairy and her panel of drag judges — we love it here.

Society has told me to do all the things and I truly thought I wanted and needed those things to live a complete and happy life. Without them surely I would be a failure and miserable human being. A curse upon my soul. A pox upon my overpriced apartment.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret — I’m neither of those things.

I am thriving. Some days sure, I don’t wash my hair, I wear dirty clothes, I spend all day eating cheese an chocolate and I don’t speak to other humans.

I like those parts of my life.

I like the life I have built and the experience I’m having here on Earth.

I am open to marriage most days, consider having kids about 1 day a month, and I do plan to buy a house soon. Maybe 2.

I also think that if you know me, the me that is authentically myself, it makes perfect sense to you that my wild spirit would never follow the rules of society. She’s too stubborn for that.

It makes no sense to me to think I would have been married in my 20’s when I was having the time of my life while simultaneously trying to be everything to everyone except myself.

It is unimaginable that I would trade the bucket list experiences I had in sports for a high powered city job and six figures.

When my society fairy taps me on the back these days, I tell her calm down babe, I’ll get to it. Or I won’t, I haven’t decided yet. But text me later k?

The whole point is that I am now in control. Or out of control? And I am more easily able to sit in uncomfortable feelings of falling behind and say is this a society fairy shoulder tap or how you’re really feeling? And if the answer is an authentic yearning for something, I go out there and make space for that thing in my life.

Milestones are incredible. They help create a full life. But are the milestones you have on your list ones that you have created or ones your society fairy has brought to you to fulfill?

Marinate in whatever space your society fairy sticks you in, but don’t stay there long. Hear the girl out, but don’t blindly follow her lead.

Build a life full of milestones that meet your expectations, make you proud, and make your journey feel full. That’s a life of milestones that matters.

Fake Adult

I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.

When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.

My 35 doesn’t look like that.

Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.

And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.

I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.

All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.

Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.

All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.

I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.

When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.

Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.

Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.

Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.

Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.

I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.

So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.

And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.

Fairytales

People are complicated. That’s the understatement of a lifetime. And yet, for the most part, I’m not sure it’s something we internalize and process in a realistic manner.

Growing up my life seemed like an idyllic fairy tale. I’m from a small wealthy suburban town where getting a car for your 16th birthday is expected. I was thin, pretty, an athlete, an A student and I had two involved parents who provided me with everything I ever needed and more.

Yet everyone has a story. In fact I’d say everyone has a few stories that intertwine to create a choose your own adventure of complications.

I am certainly not immune to that. My story is made up of traumas and joys and rock bottom and everything in between. Having all the things, the idyllic life, does not make for an actual fairy tale.

In 2020, when the world is overrun by a pandemic, civil unrest, an election year, and who could forget - murder hornets, I think reminding everyone that everyone you meet has a whole bunch of stories to tell is how we will survive.

I will credit 2020 with a lot of things and making me more empathetic is the greatest one.

As I am challenging friends to rethink political and social views, I’m also reminding myself that their story before this time has shaped who they are now. So be patient when demanding change.

When I am frustrated with the people at work who just don’t get that life isn’t worth the 24/7 hustle, I remember that some people turn to overwork to survive. I detach myself from those people and wish them well.

The point is, everyone has an intricate set of stories and experiences that make up who they are. These life learnings are what guide their reactions, opinions, words and overall make them who they are when they are with others.

Have a moment of patience more when your first instinct is rage, or judgment or fear. Remind yourself that you have no idea what this person has endured. Or not endured. Both ends of the spectrum shape the way a person experiences life.

I don’t always get it right when it comes to engaging with people in 2020, and I realistically won’t ever get it right 100% of the time. But I am committed to being 1% better so that I can hopefully be a more impactful person for the causes I am passionate about.

We all want to matter and feel heard. We also all want to be able to create meaningful connections and leave lasting impressions on this Earth for the short time we walk it. The best way to do those things is to lead with empathy. And to remember, everyone has a story. Perhaps 100 stories. It’s not your job to understand them, read them, or even author them. And yet, wouldn’t it be cool if one of their stories included the way in which you chose to show them they matter?