The Guilt is Heavy

I am exhausted. I am anxious. My insomnia has been completely unmanageable. I’ve really struggled the past month and I feel guilty for that.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Gainfully employed. Incredible benefits. I’m generally healthy. I have a great support system. A safe home. I have every basic need and more during this time.

So I truly struggle with the idea that I can struggle during this time.

I know that’s unrealistic. Comparing traumas or hardships or feelings is not healthy and it isn’t helpful to downplay my own issues.

I think there’s a balance.

It’s ok to struggle but have an understanding that it could be worse. There’s no need to downplay your feelings or needs but there is something to be said for being grateful for what you do have.

I’m not talking toxic positivity. I’m talking perspective.

If 2020 has taught me anything its that I don’t need a whole lot of the things I thought I did. I want a lot of things but don’t truly need them.

So while my anxiety and stress and the things I’m going through this year are very real and very valid, I can take solace in the fact that my life is pretty damn good.

It’s a weird year. And it doesn’t end just because the clock strikes 12 on December 31st.

Give yourself grace to struggle and persevere. Give yourself time to just sit in whatever moment you need to. And without engaging in toxic positivity, gain a little perspective and know that being grateful helps any situation.

Thank{ful}

Thanksgiving is weird. We all know by now the white men that came through and pillaged America aren’t exact what we should be celebrating. I’m also generally not for specific holidays telling you to give thanks. I do a lot of feeling grateful everyday.

In fact for almost 9 months now, I have listed three things I’m grateful for. Ad today, I’m thankful for that. Can you be thankful for gratitude?

I’m celebrating that I take the time everyday to reflect on the day and what I have to be grateful for. Whether it’s as simple as a really good meal or election results, it gives me a way to end my day on a high and set myself up for success tomorrow.

Is everyday amazing? Hell no. But there is good in every single day. And whether I have a bad day or not, eventually a good one will follow.

I hope you spend time with people you love today and I hope you are thankful. I also hope that you incorporate thankful into your everyday.

And to be honest, in the spirit of understanding Thanksgiving is kind of a shit Holiday given the history, I hope you express gratitude for the diversity in America and the changes we are working towards.

That’s all I ask. Give some thanks for your life everyday and give some thanks today for the future of our country.

Today I’m grateful, I’m thankful and I’m committed to bringing more of that into my life.

We did it

We fucking did it yall! We made that racist, sexual predator a ONE TERM President.

I am so proud to be an American today. After four years of not wanting to tell people I’m American, today I look forward to traveling the world and saying we fixed our biggest mistake.

Yes, we have a lot of work to do. It is unacceptable that so many people voted for him after four years of what we just went through. White people, we have a lot of fixing to do. I am fully committed to continuing the tough conversations because it is disgusting how many people said you know what? I’m cool with white supremacy, let’s keep it. Science? Don’t need it. Americans dying? As long as it’s not me!

But today, I’m happy. And I’m excited. A Black woman is in the White House. We have a president who sounds like a leader. He speaks on complete sentences. He doesn’t fuel hate. I feel like I can take a deep exhale and focus on real change, because the new guy? He’s got out back.

Was Joe Biden my first choice? Hell no. But I am so proud and happy to see him on stage. And I cannot wait to hold him accountable these next four years.

America has the opportunity to move forward. And to work really hard to never put ourselves through 2016 again.

For anyone out there unwilling to accept this new time — get over it. Get on board with a future filled with empathy, climate care, equality, EMPATHY - or you know what — we will still fight for those things for you, without you. It’s your choice. Stick with hate in your heart or turn to love. Because with or without you, we are changing this country.

Im just happy. I’m so happy for all of the historical wins, the future. I’m happy for Black women finally winning because they do a whole lot of the work. A Black woman damn well deserved to smash the glass ceiling of the White House first. I’m happy there’s dogs in the White House again. I’m happy there’s kindness in the White House again. I’m happy Joe has the Obamas to lean on. I’m just happy.

This may not be the most well written post. Nor really have any true point. I’m just happy. We did it yall. Now let’s get to fucking work.

Silver Linings Playbook

I’ve got a hot take that I want to first recognize is even possible because I have privilege.

Ready?

2020 is not that bad.

Let me explain.

Because I am privileged and have a job, a safe home and access to all my basic needs; I have focused on how grateful I am. And it’s changed my perspective on 2020.

Yes, I have had to cancel trips. Work has been extremely stressful. My anxiety has been a daily struggle. Depression has come back for the first time since I was a teenager. I don’t get to see a lot of family and friends. Concerts, sports - all canceled.

But I also have everything I need to survive and even thrive.

I am building relationships with people who I might not have if 2020 was a normal year. I am seeing more National Parks. I have time to workout more. I’m reading an average of two books a week. I am learning about boundaries and how to prioritize myself. I get to spend time with family. I’m more involved in political and social awareness and I’m putting in the work to make a difference. I’m realizing that work doesn’t define me.

All in all, I’m finding that I have more time to do a lot of the “I’ll get to it” things that I never actually had the time to do before.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough, I am lucky. I am privileged. There are people who have none of this.

That’s a big reason why I am choosing to be grateful. Its why I want to focus on the good of 2020. Because it could be so much worse. And I know how easily I could lose it all.

I suggest that if you are as lucky as I am, you spend time talking about how lucky you are. You focus on the good around you and how you can potentially effect good around you. Certainly I’m not trying to downplay hardships we all have. My life is far from perfect in 2020 but it is good enough.

I get that we all love the memes and the 2020 jokes. They’re pretty damn funny. I just find that focusing on the silver linings and the things I’m grateful for is where my energy is best served.

2020 is not my favorite year, but it is a year I won’t give up on. I won’t chalk it up to a loss and I won’t call it the worst. I will call it the year that I learned to be more kind. More patient. More grateful. More aware of the life I have both been given and built.

I have always been attracted to shiny things, silver linings will always be one of those things.

Political

A lot of folks lately have commented that I am more political in 2020. And I gotta say, that’s a bit ignorant and misguided.

I am passionate about social justice, human rights, and the environment. And the only tie that has into politics is the voting to ensure equality and protections.

I don’t actually support our current political system. I find it outdated, messy, and extremely incompetent. I don’t believe in Democrat or Republican or the party system.

What I do care about is other people and a world bigger than myself. That’s not political.

I generally shrug off these folks as unaware because it’s quite frankly exhausting to explain to people who mostly don’t get it. When it comes to our political system, I actually have a lot to learn. Some of which I’m doing purely to ensure that I know how to help change the system Im learning about.

But Id like to address it here. I’m not political. I’m just not an asshole.

The things happening in our world are not a matter of simple political beliefs. We passed that a very long time ago. This is about so much more and that is what I care about. The right to equality. To make choices about my body. To provide basic healthcare to everyone. To make sure Mother Earth is here in 20 years.

I am educated because I do the research and because I care enough to put effort and energy into ensuring others have a life that affords them the things I’m afforded.

I am more than willing to help friends and teach them how to learn and get involved, but in this climate, people need to stop making excuses and start being better citizens of the world.

It’s not politics. It’s people.

Put in the work. Do the research. Ignorance is inexcusable. “Not being political” is a privileged and ignorant way of saying “I don’t care about this because it doesn’t affect me.” And I don’t have time for that anymore. I don’t know how to teach you to care and I don’t have the energy to care about you anymore if you don’t care about others.

In 2020 I’m more aware because I’m putting in the work and I realized being passively active in changing the world isn’t doing anything. I had to step up and actively work to do more and be better for the future of myself and others and this planet.

I get it, that sounds dramatic. But I’ve never been one to sit by and rely on others to get the job done. I’m also deeply passionate about impacting this world and the people in it in a positive way. Even if that’s only one person.

Maybe; you thinking I’m political is actually just your way of excusing your lack of involvement in making this world a better place, in caring about someone other than yourself. Maybe it makes you comfortable to think “she just loves politics and that’s not for me.” Truth of the matter, I’m not political and you might just be an asshole.

Pivot

Another lesson from sports you say? Don’t mind if I do!

Athletes are taught to set a goal, work for it, and achieve it. When we don’t, it’s a failure. There’s no live and learn, there’s do or don’t. You win or you lose.

That’s a philosophy I’ve taken into my every day life. It’s also one of the lessons I learned from being an athlete that really doesn’t apply to every other aspect of my world.

I have about a billion goals. I’m a dreamer. There’s no one track mind anymore to the way I live and if 2020 has taught me anything it’s that I’m a capable, evolving and thriving babe.

Things I never thought I could do or would do in life are happening for me. Confidence I never thought possible is something I wake up wearing.

That whole life plan I made for myself that I chose to pivot from two years ago? It’s led me to realize that having a plan is incredible, but being able to adjust and embrace new plans can take you farther than you ever thought possible.

There are a thousand goals I set for myself that I haven’t met yet. Some of which I have crossed off my to do list entirely. And that doesn’t mean I’ve failed. It means I’ve matured enough to know that my dreams and goals are allowed and encouraged to evolve as I do.

So no, I haven’t written that book yet. And I didn’t go to law school. I don’t own my own home. I am not living abroad.

You know what I am doing though? I’m working at a company I love. I’m finding a new passion for being much more active in social justice and the environment. I’m consistently writing my blog. I keep myself and my dog alive and healthy everyday.

I am living.

And as a newly mid thirties woman — I feel this makes me qualified to say — I hope you give yourself space to live. Because living is how you become successful. It’s how you discover your passions and achieve the goals that make you feel your best.

And really living that means taking a pivot once in awhile to keep up.

Birthday Babe

Annual Birthday Blog! Another year older, wiser, and sparklier! Obviously.

This year is a milestone, and not one of those milestones where you smile at 30 like “ugh I’m SO old, hehe!” I’m 35 now, and on paper that’s a significant number. I get it, that’s still young, but I’m perpetually in that “I feel 25” phase of life so when I look at something that tells me I’m 35, I want to scream “LIAR!”

I already did the whole “the party isn’t over” post. And we covered my thoughts on needles and procedures. I even updated you on my thoughts on romance. So surely what’s left?

In 2020,I want to just celebrate.

I want to celebrate who I am at 35.

Happy Birthday to the woman who feels more herself than she ever has before. Who qualifies her beliefs less. Apologizes for her loud opinionated ways all but never. The woman who has accepted that her life is a bit dramatic and has chosen not to take that as something I’ve created but the extra sparkly life I was given. To the woman who gets self conscious about her body at times, and yet is still the most naked friend we have. Who has committed the time, energy and openness to therapy. Who risks a little vulnerability for love but who has found it in her to walk away rather than stay for attention.

I choose to celebrate who I am today. Because 2020 has been a consistent refreshing of twitter only to find something else awful has showed up to ruin our days.

I choose to celebrate being 35 on paper and 25 at heart. Because while I pay all my bills and I eat my vegetables, sometimes I drink too much and only eat chocolate for dinner.

I choose to celebrate period. Because aging is truly a privilege, and I’ve certainly made the most of the years I’ve got. I cannot wait to continue to celebrate every day. Birthday or not.

Cheers sequins!

Validation

The only validation I ever thought I needed in life was parking. Athletes are trained to work hard and stay humble. Validation is braggadocios and everything is earned as a team.

I struggle with compliments and credit. Traditionally if you tell me I did something great, I’m going to point to 3 other people who helped to make it happen. Awards are great when they’re based on tangible achievements like 1st place, but I’m still going to thank my coaches, trainers, and teammates for getting me there.

This has been my norm. Forever. And while I think that is lovely and serves a very important purpose, I’ve realized that there are times I should have said thank you, I did achieve this thing and I did it because I worked hard. Yes, this was my idea and it was a good one.

I also never realized how much I needed to hear validation.

Recently, I have had a few friends come forward to thank me for things that I have spent years accepting about myself. Things others like to belittle and criticize me for.

And I didn’t realize how incredible that felt. To be seen, heard, and just appreciated for things that I deeply value as part of who I am.

People that are comfortable in their own skin, who are loud, opinionated, and come off as confident and secure are the people others forget to validate.

Sure, I have often been complimented on things like my athletic ability and my physical appearance but rarely do I hear praise for who I am. In fact, more often than not, because I am perceived as strong, people feel more comfortable criticizing me than they do complimenting me.

I’m well aware that has to do with their own insecurities. If I wasn't strong,I wouldn’t be able to go through life the way I have. To achieve the things that I have and will continue to achieve. Yet does being strong mean you aren’t deserving of validation? It doesn’t.

Quite frankly, I’ve had a little pep in my sparkly step since these wonderful humans took the time out of nowhere to tell me these wonderful things. It felt really good to know people I love have such praise for me. It made me realize, I need to continue to work to be open about the things I’ve been more open about lately. I think making myself more vulnerable has allowed others to see I am just as human as the next babe.

I may be strong. I may use humor to make light of everything. But I am still just figuring life out like everyone else. That means I’m not only in need of validation, I’m now expecting it once in awhile.

I hope that if you are like me, you too learn that there is nothing wrong with being the friend who will always be OK; but that doesn’t mean your people don’t have to tell you that you matter. That your particular quirks and attributes are to be celebrated and they love you for them.

Next time you get that coveted parking validation, don’t forget to get your self validation stamped too babe!

Gratitude

Over the last 6 months I made a decision to focus on gratitude. Every day I have written down (and posted on social media) three things I am grateful for. And it’s changed who I am.

I had always heard that focusing on being grateful can change your life. That taking time time to actually think about and write down what you’re grateful for can shift your mindset. I never believed it could do that much. I was wrong.

In general I am a positive and grateful human being. I am acutely aware of the privileges I have been born into, given, and worked for. I enjoy being happy. I truly am able to find the good on every situation.

Yet writing down the things I am grateful for each day has really allowed me to focus more on those things.

When I first started to write down my daily gratitude, I struggled. I had always thought these things had to be profound to count. That’s wrong. You can be grateful for the little things too. In fact, I encourage you to be.

When I realized I was 6 months into this thing, I started to really look at the impact it’s had on my life. I am more committed to the things that matter. I am less willing to disturb my peace for trivial things. I’m significantly more grateful for 2020 and the lessons it’s teaching me. I refuse to call it a terrible year. I’m giving focus to my passions and values. Overall, I feel better able to handle what life throws at me.

Gratitude can’t solve everything. I realize I am lucky to have a job, my health, family, friends — even good food on the table. And I am eternally grateful this year looks like that for me. It does not for everyone.

All the same, committing time to gratitude has given me a gift. It’s given me perspective and it’s given me time to see the positives in my life.

The world is insane right now. And gratitude won’t solve everything, but it can change your perspective. It can offer you some sense of normalcy. And it can show you that as bad as things can be, there are silver linings.

Dangers of Social Media

Social media has been a game changer in the world. It’s allowed people to reconnect, found organ donors, and is a great way to keep up with people we don’t talk to everyday.

Social media is also a dangerous place.

Social media is run by tech giants. And technology while magical is also a place where privacy is lost, data is stolen, and information lives forever.

I am so thankful we didn’t really have social media when I was growing up. We had AOL and MySpace was just beginning but smart phones weren’t huge and we weren’t constantly connected in the way in which kids and teens are now.

I watched Social Dilemma the other day on Netflix and being that I work in tech, I wasn’t super surprised to hear about all the ethical dilemmas and concerns around social media use. It was however extremely helpful to remind me just how addicted I can be to my own device. It also reminded me how this next generation is using social media in a way that can cause extreme self harm.

We didn’t have filters when I was a teenager or even into college. We posted pictures as is. Nowadays, between influencers and celebrities - I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen an unfiltered, non surgically enhanced photo of really anyone. Kids are growing up comparing themselves to the lives they see on social media. And often times, they’re unaware that social media is purely a carefully crafted highlight reel. This causes self doubt, self hate, and a constant anxiety over Keeping up with the Kardashians. It’s not real, it’s not attainable for most, and it’s not important. And yet it’s all these kids know.

On top of the self image issues, most young people don’t pay attention to or understands the security concerns and loss of privacy associated with social media. Between companies selling your data to sending nudes on snapchat, there’s no taking back something you put into the social media universe. Sharing location can create unsafe situations for these kids as well.

One of the most dangerous and relevant to today issues on social media platforms such as Facebook is of course misinformation. We saw it cause Trump to steal the 2016 election and it’s happening again. Bots and extreme groups are spreading misinformation that shifts the way in which Americans vote. People assume what they see on the internet is true. And if they see a source, they assume that information is factual. People are simply not taking the time to research and understand what is reliable and what is not true. Social media is unfortunately a big player in that game and should be held accountable.

Social media is incredible. I am guilty of using it too often myself. But realistically, we need to start asking questions and holding these platforms accountable for ethics in this space. Social media is dangerous. It shouldn’t be treated as a free space to do whatever just because people have the ability to hide behind a desk or screen.

I’m in the tech world, I love technology and it pays my bills. But I’m also a human being with really high ethics. And I want this industry to be more regulated before it becomes completely out of control. Our country and our lives depend on that regulation so that we avoid another 2020.