Body Confidence

This one isn’t what you think. I’m not talking about physical body confidence. I’m talking about the confidence a woman specifically has to do what is best for her body. To make choices about what she does to it, how she cares for it, who she allows near it — body as an object women are often taught to use or not use how society tells us.

Women spend a lot of time being told about our bodies. How they should look. Who we should let touch them. What it costs to take care of them. What is shameful about them. The list goes on. And that’s a list we are introduced to from a very young age.

More and more - through social media, through the current political and social climate — women are being shown how we should operate our bodies.

We need to be thin but thick. Sexual but not slutty. Hide your tampons when you go to the restroom. Shave your body hair but have super thick hair on your head.

Really old, really ignorant white men get to sit around and talk about our healthcare rights and the choices we get to make about our own bodies.

Unfortunately a lot of the mentality behind this has everything to do with how we are brought up and what we are exposed to.

We need to start early and often when it comes to educating women on their bodies and making choices for themselves based on what is healthy and makes them happy.

Women are fully capable and should have full decision making abilities when it comes to our own bodies. Full stop. That is a nonnegotiable. If you disagree with that, I disagree with who you are.

I don’t have many memories where I have been told that I should or shouldn’t do anything with my body. As a kid my dad even spoke about periods in a very normalized way. So I grew up thinking (and still do) that having a period is a normal life milestone and anyone who couldn’t act that way is just not a mature human being.

I was never told to wait until marriage to have sex. In fact I remember being told that if I ever became pregnant my parents wanted me to feel safe in coming to them so I could make whatever decision worked for me and I’d have a support system.

I have no memories of being told to dress any certain way. Even when I developed my junior year of high school, if I wore something that revealed a little skin, that wasn’t shameful.

Throughout my life I have been more confident in my choices about my body because I have never been taught not to. I have never been told to do anything because I was taught that I am fully capable of learning the facts and doing what I feel is healthiest and happiest for me.

We need to be teaching little girls this from the start. That nobody is better suited to make choices about your body like you are. You have the tools to make the decisions that will be the best for you.

We also need to be teaching little boys this. We need to teach them that women are fully capable and the foremost experts on decisions regarding their own bodies. That no man should shame, judge or pressure a woman when it comes to her body. That he should sit back and respect that it is her body, her choice.

And before you ask, yes, even when it comes to abortion. If you are not ok with an abortion as a man, do not have sex unless it is with a woman who shares your same views. That is the choice you make. You do not get a choice after the fact. Her body, her choice.

It is well past time we subscribed to this idea that anyone has any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. And it starts with educating everyone at the start to believe this and practice this.

Women are not commodities, our bodies do not belong to the government. They are ours. And we have the right to make any decisions about them.

Teach little girls to have confidence in the choices they make about their bodies. Teach little boys to respect and uplift this message.

Is the party over?

For like my whole life I thought your 20’s were the best years you had. I thought 18-30 were your prime years to live life at 110 mph, hanging on for dear life and just living. Minimal responsibility, hot bodies, cheap drinks, no expectations of really having your shit together.

At 34 I often wonder, is the party over?

Now given we are in a pandemic, wildfires blazing, politics just out of fucking control, this could be just a 2020 panic attack. Earths mid life crisis perhaps?

For me, my 20’s were a constant rager. I think I spent 98% of my 20’s drunk, in sequins and making questionable choices. I can think of more than one occasion where I was a fucking nightmare. The too drunk friend, the friend who you’re worried is lost in a ditch, the friend who is perhaps too good of a party girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was many times the responsible friend, the one who you know has your back and if I do say so myself — the funniest teammate we got. But at times, I was just the biggest mess. Surely some stems from insecurity, some stems from wanting to prove to myself that my traumas don’t define me, and other stems from really liking to party hard!

And yet, I’ve spent far too many hours lately thinking about why I miss my 20’s so much.

Here’s why I think that is (YAS - she loves her a list!)

1. Your 20’s are low pressure

   When you’re 22, people have really low expectations for you. When you party too hard it’s an LOL, see you next weekend. You do that at 34 and you’re a train-wreck (I've been her too, my bad!). But it’s nice to make mistakes without people judging you as hard. So what if you threw up in the Taco Bell drive thru bag while still driving like a boss, you’re 22, so cute for you! Don’t have your dream job yet? It’s ok sweetie, you’re 24, can you even do math yet?

2. There’s no aging in your 20’s

   I hate me too but for all of my 20’s I basically looked 25 max. I often still get mistaken for late 20’s. Good skin, good genes, honestly I don’t deserve it. I wrecked my body in her 20’s and she still never aged. I miss late nights, not having a skincare routine, eating too much and still looking like a godt damn bombshell. Now I have bread and I can’t wear jeans for a week. Don’t do all 60832 steps of my skincare routine? My entire face is red, broken out and growing thorns. Give me 24 year old Ashley’s skin and body again please. She didn’t appreciate her then.

3. Love is for the future

   I have commitment fears. A lot of people have let me down in life and the only consistent has been that I always got me. I loved being in my 20’s because nobody expected me to settle in and get married. There was no “she’s single, what’s wrong with her?” “she’s got a whole roster of men she’s stringing along, she’s so cute what a babe” Now at 34 people are like - is she a lesbian? I’ve always always had a nice little group of men on a roster. From serious relationships to men on the bench, I’d never experienced life without having male attention until I turned 30. Whatever I know, what a hard life bitch. Thing is, women in our 30’s who are single, everyone assumes you’e unhappy. And they also like to tell you how great a mom you would be. Thanks Karen, I’d probably be a good prostitute too but you don’t have to do everything you’re good at do you?

4. Your 20’s are a joke

   Your 20’s are truly just here for a good time. There are responsibilities of course and as you get up into your late 20’s you should probably gather your shit and be responsible but for the most part you are expected to have a good time. Like you get out there, you have fun, you make weird questionable choices. When you get to your 30’s everything is all bills, my back hurts and is my 401k ok?

All that said - I sort of came to the conclusion that for the most part I just miss irresponsible fun. Other than that in my 20’s I was insecure, poor, and in general kept people at arms distance. I had the best time ever, but when I dissect some of the things I miss, I realize my 20’s were dope but my 30’s are for thriving. Here’s why:

1. Stability

   Did you guys know it’s possible not to live paycheck to paycheck? What a wild ass concept. I worked in nonprofit or sports and my salaries were questionable at best. Someone should have called someone about that. In my 30’s, I do really well. I don’t worry about my bills, buying groceries and I can afford to jet abroad for two weeks if I feel like it. I also know what I want to do in my career and I have the resume to actually go out and get it. Things are stable. They’re attainable and they’re secure and that not wanting to fill my prescriptions because I couldn’t afford it, going without meals because I needed to save - that isn’t a thing anymore.

2. I like me

   I really like me. Genuinely. I think my shit smells like rainbows unicorns and those expensive sugary drinks they serve you at all inclusive resorts. Some days I think I’m fat and look old, but most days I look in the mirror and I think, what a damn queen! I did not feel that way in my 20’s, ever. And not many people realize that. But at 34, when shit is not going to be looking up or getting better, and my aversion to plastic surgery and injections is still thriving - I’m still into what I’ve got and where I’m going. I’m proud of where I’m at in my career, I am confident in what I bring to the table as a friend and partner, and I know I can handle anything. I’m pretty dope.

3. Relationships are better

   I am learning to process my traumas and trust in the people around me. That includes opening up about who I am and what I’ve gone through in life and asking for the respect I deserve. It means letting down my guard of being the fun/funny party girl and showing that I have feelings, thoughts and ideas that matter and might not always be shiny and easy to talk about. The relationships I have romantically and with friends are more developed and authentic and I don’t feel the strain of keeping people in my life that I don’t enjoy spending time with. I value my energy, I know that it is a privilege to know me and I and demanding the same from my circle. I truly feel connected, valued and supported by the people I allow into my life. I don’t feel like I have to be everything to everyone anymore. And while this is a constant battle for me, one that I often lose, I have come so far, and I know that I will only continue to be better in this space — for others and for myself.

I really like my 30’s. I assume I’ll panic at 35 because society has taught me that’s what you do, but I know that I’ll quickly go back to feeling excited, grateful and happy for this stage in my life. I’m not quite ready to say 40 is an area I’m openly embracing because I’m not an animal, but I am ready to say bring it 35, I’m ready to thrive.

Maybe I have a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome and will always miss being 20 and a wild child. It’s a comfortable place for me to hide when I’m working on growing into a real live adult. I think that shows up when I do revert back and make some questionable choices, have too much wine and dance on tables. And quite honestly, I think those nights are ok once in a long while. For the most part though, life is good in my 30’s. I think the party looks different but it’s far from over. The party still has drinks, sequins and laughter (and I’m probably being too loud) but now I’m in better labels and drinking better wines. And that doesn’t sound too bad. Cheers!

The Evolution of an Activist

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about activism. It’s no secret that if you’ve known me for a long time, I’ve greatly evolved into someone who is spending a lot of time on educating myself and being more active in social justice.

I would say that I’ve always considered myself relatively aware but certainly not openly outspoken on things like Black Lives Matter, sexual assault, immigration - the list goes on.

And therein lies the problem.

I have been passively active instead of fiercely an advocate for others.

Obviously growing up I experienced life in a sheltered and less diverse space. A lot of the problems of the people in society that deal with everyday racism, sexism, and hate never really affected me. Or so I thought.

In reality, it’s been everywhere around me, I just existed in a place of privilege and lack of information to really acknowledge the problem. I was part of the problem.

Realizing that I have actively been part of the problem by passively being part of the solution has been an awakening for me.

I think over the years as I decided to embrace myself, confront my traumas, and trust who I am rather than who people always told me I am; I started to feel a deep need to stop hiding in my privilege.

That has led to some people speaking to me about how much “I’ve changed.” How I’m “angry" and “not accepting of other beliefs.”

I would argue that each and every one of those accusations is true. And I’m so proud that they are.

I have changed. It was about time. I am a citizen of the world and just because I’ve been dealt a better hand than some others does not mean I shouldn't use that hand to extend to another.

I am angry. I’m really angry that in 2020 we are so behind in basic humanity. I am so angry children are in cages, Black men and women are being killed by the police and that women are being raped and the attackers are called “one of the good guys.”

I am not only unwilling to accept anyone who disagrees with these things, I am openly going to call you out on these horrific practices and how you are contributing to the problem.

And I make no apologies for the new me.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to grow, evolve and become a better person. You don’t have to explain why, you don’t have to prove metrics, you don’t have to do anything but evolve. Because anyone who chooses not to evolve is not someone who is on a path to better themselves.

It’s taken awhile for me to understand who I want to be and what I want to be to the people around me and to this world. That’s included pissing off, confusing, and losing some friends and family. And it’s sad, of course it is. To say I’ve never stopped to say “am I on the right path” to myself would be a lie. But every single time the answer is yes.

I am on the right path. I am working to change the world, even if it’s just one tiny piece of that world for even one person.

I’m evolving. I will always be evolving. I’m learning and I’m sitting in uncomfortable situations, I’m having the hard conversations and I’m confronting the things that I am doing wrong while unlearning how I got to that place.

The person I am now is someone I deeply deeply love and feel pride in. I light up when I talk about things like equality, how to help survivors of sexual assault, anti-racism, fixing our broken political system, women’s rights to our bodies — these are the things that I talk faster about, raise my voice and shake my fists and make my heart beat fast. I do believe we can make changes in my lifetime. Even little ones.

The person I am now is also not for everyone. If she’s not for you, grab onto some sparkle fumes on your way to the back because I plan to keep marching on; with or without your support.

Milestones

I wanted to elaborate on milestones. As I mentioned last week, I’ve spent the last five yeas really reevaluating what life expectations actually align with what I want out of my time here.

Society does a lot to remind us that life is supposed to be an organized list of accomplishments.

You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have some kids, you retire, you die. That’s the list and everything is required in a certain time frame or your society fairy will fine you and report you to the police. And then you will go to prison and die. These are the rules.

So like a lot of us who grew up with parents who did these things, I had these expectations for myself.

And then when I didn’t check these boxes in the time frame society told me to, I started to panic.

My society fairy would show up at 24 and tell me hey babe your friends from college are actually making 6 figures in the city and you’re making $32K and can’t afford top ramen most days.

At 26 she tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gorg, know that you’ve got a whole roster of men folk (love that for you) but you should have picked and married one by now. Meanwhile it’s Sunday at 9am and you’re grabbing your shoes from this guys floor and your cousin is picking you up because you left your car at the bar (we didn’t have uber then you little Gen z babies, the walk of shame was a true experience).

At 30 the bitch straight up called and said ok we have a problem. You’e 30, unmarried, not a millionaire and everyone else is on a private jet to Mykonos but you’re drunk at the Grand Canyon.

And now in a few months, at 35, my society fairy is going to bring a committee of society fairies to stage an intervention. 35 and gasp unmarried? NO children? You’re not a homeowner counting your big fat 401k from your Tesla SUV? HOW DARE YOU! The audacity.

But alas my friends, it is true. I’m going to be all of these things and more.

And I’d like to say to my society fairy and her panel of drag judges — we love it here.

Society has told me to do all the things and I truly thought I wanted and needed those things to live a complete and happy life. Without them surely I would be a failure and miserable human being. A curse upon my soul. A pox upon my overpriced apartment.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret — I’m neither of those things.

I am thriving. Some days sure, I don’t wash my hair, I wear dirty clothes, I spend all day eating cheese an chocolate and I don’t speak to other humans.

I like those parts of my life.

I like the life I have built and the experience I’m having here on Earth.

I am open to marriage most days, consider having kids about 1 day a month, and I do plan to buy a house soon. Maybe 2.

I also think that if you know me, the me that is authentically myself, it makes perfect sense to you that my wild spirit would never follow the rules of society. She’s too stubborn for that.

It makes no sense to me to think I would have been married in my 20’s when I was having the time of my life while simultaneously trying to be everything to everyone except myself.

It is unimaginable that I would trade the bucket list experiences I had in sports for a high powered city job and six figures.

When my society fairy taps me on the back these days, I tell her calm down babe, I’ll get to it. Or I won’t, I haven’t decided yet. But text me later k?

The whole point is that I am now in control. Or out of control? And I am more easily able to sit in uncomfortable feelings of falling behind and say is this a society fairy shoulder tap or how you’re really feeling? And if the answer is an authentic yearning for something, I go out there and make space for that thing in my life.

Milestones are incredible. They help create a full life. But are the milestones you have on your list ones that you have created or ones your society fairy has brought to you to fulfill?

Marinate in whatever space your society fairy sticks you in, but don’t stay there long. Hear the girl out, but don’t blindly follow her lead.

Build a life full of milestones that meet your expectations, make you proud, and make your journey feel full. That’s a life of milestones that matters.

Fake Adult

I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.

When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.

My 35 doesn’t look like that.

Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.

And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.

I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.

All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.

Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.

All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.

I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.

When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.

Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.

Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.

Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.

Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.

I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.

So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.

And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.

Fairytales

People are complicated. That’s the understatement of a lifetime. And yet, for the most part, I’m not sure it’s something we internalize and process in a realistic manner.

Growing up my life seemed like an idyllic fairy tale. I’m from a small wealthy suburban town where getting a car for your 16th birthday is expected. I was thin, pretty, an athlete, an A student and I had two involved parents who provided me with everything I ever needed and more.

Yet everyone has a story. In fact I’d say everyone has a few stories that intertwine to create a choose your own adventure of complications.

I am certainly not immune to that. My story is made up of traumas and joys and rock bottom and everything in between. Having all the things, the idyllic life, does not make for an actual fairy tale.

In 2020, when the world is overrun by a pandemic, civil unrest, an election year, and who could forget - murder hornets, I think reminding everyone that everyone you meet has a whole bunch of stories to tell is how we will survive.

I will credit 2020 with a lot of things and making me more empathetic is the greatest one.

As I am challenging friends to rethink political and social views, I’m also reminding myself that their story before this time has shaped who they are now. So be patient when demanding change.

When I am frustrated with the people at work who just don’t get that life isn’t worth the 24/7 hustle, I remember that some people turn to overwork to survive. I detach myself from those people and wish them well.

The point is, everyone has an intricate set of stories and experiences that make up who they are. These life learnings are what guide their reactions, opinions, words and overall make them who they are when they are with others.

Have a moment of patience more when your first instinct is rage, or judgment or fear. Remind yourself that you have no idea what this person has endured. Or not endured. Both ends of the spectrum shape the way a person experiences life.

I don’t always get it right when it comes to engaging with people in 2020, and I realistically won’t ever get it right 100% of the time. But I am committed to being 1% better so that I can hopefully be a more impactful person for the causes I am passionate about.

We all want to matter and feel heard. We also all want to be able to create meaningful connections and leave lasting impressions on this Earth for the short time we walk it. The best way to do those things is to lead with empathy. And to remember, everyone has a story. Perhaps 100 stories. It’s not your job to understand them, read them, or even author them. And yet, wouldn’t it be cool if one of their stories included the way in which you chose to show them they matter?

Guts

Quarantine + therapy + endless time to reflect = I’ve come to my 3,000th realization since March. I have realized my gut instinct is broken.

You know how you get that gut feeling and you’re supposed to follow it and trust it and let it be your source of truth? Mines broken. I get more like 3-5 instincts that my brain then must digest and then my anxiety throws in a what if and we are back at zero with no solution.

How did I get here? I’ll tell ya! From years of not living my authentic truth. From not confronting traumas. From not dealing with anxiety. From not allowing myself to feel anything. That’s how I lost my gut instinct.

I can’t for the life of me remember when I trusted my gut. Or when I had that visceral reaction that told me what I need to do in any given situation. I know it’s there. Hiding somewhere.

But I’m a grown woman. I need that gut instinct back. I need it to get me through life and in order to get it back, I need to get ME back!

I just read a book by a wonderful woman named Glennon Doyle. It’s called Untamed and it’s amazing. it’s about unlearning all the things women are taught to be. About dealing with traumas and finding your knowing so that you can be YOU! Happy, free and your very best you!

Glennon calls your gut your knowing. Its the you that deep down knows what you should be doing, saying, feeling and committing your time and energy to.

As I’ve spent the years getting my me back and developing unapologetically into the wonderful sparkle woman I was meant to be, I am seeing that the next step is to use that confidence for good.

I am finally actively acknowledging my power and the amazing human being that I am. I’m not apologizing for being energetic and loud and positive and opinionated. Because I am a good woman. And I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. I am me and that is my superpower.

So I lost my gut. My knowing. And now I’m going to get her back. And as we go through this pandemic and uncertain times, I’m going to let her guide me to all the dreams and future goals I always wanted. The future is bright and I can feel THAT in my gut.

Regular

I’m a regular looking woman. All of my features are stock and came with the body I’m currently in. The older I get, the more I prefer to keep it that way.

On most social media feeds, I see a lot of flawless, gorgeous women who lead really glamorous looking lives. They’ve got perfect skin, hair, lips, curves and on top of that they're acting like all of that just came effortlessly. It’s a carefully curated show that is often unattainable for a lot of women.

I hear a lot of women comparing themselves to what they see on Instagram. Or to the Kardahsian’s or Real Housewives or whatever new TV show is featuring women who refuse to age or are in fact 22 and supposed to look that way.

There’s about a thousand tutorials on everything from baking your makeup to contouring your legs. Products made to make our lips bigger and our waists smaller. New fillers and sculpting and 15 minute workouts and low fat recipes everywhere.

It’s unhealthy.

I also quite frankly find this look boring and played out.

I’m not saying it’s all bad. If that’s the look you crave, do you, you’re doing the right thing for you. What is bad is the constant feeling that you need to look a certain way. If you’re doing anything to look some type of way because it pleases others, that’s a problem. If how you look controls your entire world, that’s a problem.

I’ll be honest, I have considered getting Botox or other procedures and sometimes I still do. Yet the more I see the way women are spending money, time, energy and peace to look perfect, the more I’m ok being regular.

I’m probably not going to age as well as some of the women that are having work done. I’m going to look older sooner. I’m at peace with that. That may change, but right now, I’m fine with it.

I don’t like the overdone look. That overly plastic and perfectly unlined flawless image is just not for me.

I’m not saying let’s shame women who choose to look that way. I’m just saying let’s normalize women being regular too. Normalize women who just age and stick with the hair and nails as their maintenance. And not because its “brave.” Because it’s actually damn attractive to just love how you were made and look like the unique person you were born as.

Whatever works for you is great. Just made sure you’re doing these things for you. And only you.

Black Owned

Alright y’all! Ya girl loves to shop. And she loves to shop local. Today I’m featuring some Black owned businesses if you’re looking to do some good while you’re spending your monies!

Clothing

Thrilling: This is a Black owned store that curates vintage pieces from all over the US. So not only are you supporting Black women, you’re shopping sustainable! Yes please!

Chelsea Bravo: Known for her graphic lines and contemporary aesthetic, designer Chelsea Bravo makes simple yet bold pieces that are made to order, so there’s no additional waste.

Riot Swim: Full of standout yet classic swimsuits this line is amazing for curves!

Come Back As A Flower: This is another sustainable brand famous for hand dyed pieces, which are obviously all the rage right now. I’m obsessed with the comfortable cotton styles and one of a kind patterns.

Accessories

Humans Before Handles: Gorgeous jewelry with some of my favorite statement pieces in the game. Shockingly everything is under $50!

Valerie Madison: I love simple, classic well made gold jewelry. Her ready to ship line is right up my alley and affordable to boot.

Jam + Rico: Beautifully made, one of a kind statement jewelry with lots of color and an island vibe. Summer staples that will last years.

Art

Cortney Herron: Cortney and I went to college together and she’s got the best style. She’s also an incredible artist and a woman who celebrates the power of Black women.

Lovely Earthlings: Bold prints, cute cards and everything in between. Huge fan of the colorful style and simplicity of the pieces.

Home

M ktub Studios: Everyone needs candles at home, especially in COVID times. These handmade candles are gorgeously packaged and can burn for up to 50 hours.

Jungalow: Born out of designer Justina Blakeney's blog of the same name, Jungalow offers colorful home accessories that reflect her bold and plant-filled style. 

Sheila Bridges: Designer Sheila Bridges created her Harlem Toile de Jouy pattern as a riff on traditional French fabrics, incorporating scenes of contemporary African American life. The pattern is now in The Cooper Hewitt, Smithsonian Design Museum's permanent wallpaper collection. On Bridges's website, you can purchase it as fabric, wallpaper, or an assortment of accessories, like these umbrellas

Alcohol

Uncle Nearest: Under the leadership of Fawn Weaver, this Tennessee whiskey brand takes its name from Nathan “Nearest” Green, an enslaved man who distilled whiskey in the 1850s and taught young Jack Daniel the craft.

McBride Sisters Wine: This wine brand was born from two sisters with a passion for wine who spent time n both Monterey and New Zealand’s wine region.

Abbey Creek Vineyard: Oregon’s first Black vineyard owner and winemaker, Bertony Faustin began crafting his wines in 2008.

Darjean Jones Wines: Owner/Winemaker Dawna Darjean Jones, Ph.D. is behind this California label that sources from well-known vineyards in Napa and Sonoma.

HH Bespoke Spirits: Bespoke is a term used for custom-tailored clothing, and it describes some of the goods at the uptown New York boutique Harlem Haberdashery and its parent company, 5001 Flavors. Sharene and Guy Wood, who run the company with family members and other partners, have also used the term for their new line of spirits

Other ways to support Black owned businesses:

• Yelp now identifies local Black owned restaurants

• Etsy is also identifying Black owned businesses on their website

• Buy from your Black friends who have their own businesses

• Do some research in your area to find out what shops and restaurants are owned by your Black community members

Happy shopping friends! And don’t forget, Black Lives Matter!

I need help.

My whole life I grew up being told that things could be worse. From a very young age I internalized the idea that I could never complain about my problems because it could always be worse.

As I’ve said before, I grew up very privileged. I’ve never known what it’s like to worry about where I’d sleep, when I’d eat or how I’d pay my bills. Certainly in my 20’s I worked in some low paying jobs and had to choose between paying bills or eating but I have always had a safe home and a support system. If I got really desperate, I could get help.

I have been acutely aware of this privilege my entire life. So I never complained. I sucked it up and I pushed forward. I didn’t ask for help. No matter what the situation, I pack away the problem, handle it myself or ignore it and I move on. Because it can always be worse.

While I think that mentality has allowed me to be extremely resilient, it has also caused me to internalize my very real problems. I am also unable to ask for help when I need it. I associate asking for help as failure.

Thankfully in the last couple years I have started to make a change. I go to therapy, I do the exercises and I’m opening up more to my circle. I’m learning to say I’m not ok, I need your help.

Heres the thing, everyone needs help. Everyone goes through things that require a support system to lean on. Whether that be family, friends, a therapist, medication — we all need help sometimes.

Surely it can always be worse, but that does not mean you are not experiencing trauma. It doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have a hard time or a bad day. I believe in keeping perspective that life can certainly be worse but I am now fully aware that if I ignore my own problems because of that, I am making my life worse.

Asking for help is actually one of the bravest most evolved things you can do as a human. To recognize that you’re in a way and need support to get through it is next level self awareness. It’s also next level problem solving that will help you to thrive in all avenues of your life. In work, relationships, family, everything.

I am learning to say that life is hard, I need some help. And what I’m finding is people are grateful that I’m finally doing so. They’re feeling loved and valued as people I rely on and they’re happy to see I’m not keeping everything in all the time. It’s incredibly scary, I am not always successful at it, and sometimes I keep everything in only to let it all out at the absolute worst time possible. But I am learning. And I am growing.

Life is hard. Privilege doesn’t mean you don’t have hardships. It doesn’t mean you can’t struggle. Life is hard for everyone. The only way to make it easier is to recognize it, ask for help, and build the strength it takes to do that. You got this!