Guts

Quarantine + therapy + endless time to reflect = I’ve come to my 3,000th realization since March. I have realized my gut instinct is broken.

You know how you get that gut feeling and you’re supposed to follow it and trust it and let it be your source of truth? Mines broken. I get more like 3-5 instincts that my brain then must digest and then my anxiety throws in a what if and we are back at zero with no solution.

How did I get here? I’ll tell ya! From years of not living my authentic truth. From not confronting traumas. From not dealing with anxiety. From not allowing myself to feel anything. That’s how I lost my gut instinct.

I can’t for the life of me remember when I trusted my gut. Or when I had that visceral reaction that told me what I need to do in any given situation. I know it’s there. Hiding somewhere.

But I’m a grown woman. I need that gut instinct back. I need it to get me through life and in order to get it back, I need to get ME back!

I just read a book by a wonderful woman named Glennon Doyle. It’s called Untamed and it’s amazing. it’s about unlearning all the things women are taught to be. About dealing with traumas and finding your knowing so that you can be YOU! Happy, free and your very best you!

Glennon calls your gut your knowing. Its the you that deep down knows what you should be doing, saying, feeling and committing your time and energy to.

As I’ve spent the years getting my me back and developing unapologetically into the wonderful sparkle woman I was meant to be, I am seeing that the next step is to use that confidence for good.

I am finally actively acknowledging my power and the amazing human being that I am. I’m not apologizing for being energetic and loud and positive and opinionated. Because I am a good woman. And I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. I am me and that is my superpower.

So I lost my gut. My knowing. And now I’m going to get her back. And as we go through this pandemic and uncertain times, I’m going to let her guide me to all the dreams and future goals I always wanted. The future is bright and I can feel THAT in my gut.

Regular

I’m a regular looking woman. All of my features are stock and came with the body I’m currently in. The older I get, the more I prefer to keep it that way.

On most social media feeds, I see a lot of flawless, gorgeous women who lead really glamorous looking lives. They’ve got perfect skin, hair, lips, curves and on top of that they're acting like all of that just came effortlessly. It’s a carefully curated show that is often unattainable for a lot of women.

I hear a lot of women comparing themselves to what they see on Instagram. Or to the Kardahsian’s or Real Housewives or whatever new TV show is featuring women who refuse to age or are in fact 22 and supposed to look that way.

There’s about a thousand tutorials on everything from baking your makeup to contouring your legs. Products made to make our lips bigger and our waists smaller. New fillers and sculpting and 15 minute workouts and low fat recipes everywhere.

It’s unhealthy.

I also quite frankly find this look boring and played out.

I’m not saying it’s all bad. If that’s the look you crave, do you, you’re doing the right thing for you. What is bad is the constant feeling that you need to look a certain way. If you’re doing anything to look some type of way because it pleases others, that’s a problem. If how you look controls your entire world, that’s a problem.

I’ll be honest, I have considered getting Botox or other procedures and sometimes I still do. Yet the more I see the way women are spending money, time, energy and peace to look perfect, the more I’m ok being regular.

I’m probably not going to age as well as some of the women that are having work done. I’m going to look older sooner. I’m at peace with that. That may change, but right now, I’m fine with it.

I don’t like the overdone look. That overly plastic and perfectly unlined flawless image is just not for me.

I’m not saying let’s shame women who choose to look that way. I’m just saying let’s normalize women being regular too. Normalize women who just age and stick with the hair and nails as their maintenance. And not because its “brave.” Because it’s actually damn attractive to just love how you were made and look like the unique person you were born as.

Whatever works for you is great. Just made sure you’re doing these things for you. And only you.

Black Owned

Alright y’all! Ya girl loves to shop. And she loves to shop local. Today I’m featuring some Black owned businesses if you’re looking to do some good while you’re spending your monies!

Clothing

Thrilling: This is a Black owned store that curates vintage pieces from all over the US. So not only are you supporting Black women, you’re shopping sustainable! Yes please!

Chelsea Bravo: Known for her graphic lines and contemporary aesthetic, designer Chelsea Bravo makes simple yet bold pieces that are made to order, so there’s no additional waste.

Riot Swim: Full of standout yet classic swimsuits this line is amazing for curves!

Come Back As A Flower: This is another sustainable brand famous for hand dyed pieces, which are obviously all the rage right now. I’m obsessed with the comfortable cotton styles and one of a kind patterns.

Accessories

Humans Before Handles: Gorgeous jewelry with some of my favorite statement pieces in the game. Shockingly everything is under $50!

Valerie Madison: I love simple, classic well made gold jewelry. Her ready to ship line is right up my alley and affordable to boot.

Jam + Rico: Beautifully made, one of a kind statement jewelry with lots of color and an island vibe. Summer staples that will last years.

Art

Cortney Herron: Cortney and I went to college together and she’s got the best style. She’s also an incredible artist and a woman who celebrates the power of Black women.

Lovely Earthlings: Bold prints, cute cards and everything in between. Huge fan of the colorful style and simplicity of the pieces.

Home

M ktub Studios: Everyone needs candles at home, especially in COVID times. These handmade candles are gorgeously packaged and can burn for up to 50 hours.

Jungalow: Born out of designer Justina Blakeney's blog of the same name, Jungalow offers colorful home accessories that reflect her bold and plant-filled style. 

Sheila Bridges: Designer Sheila Bridges created her Harlem Toile de Jouy pattern as a riff on traditional French fabrics, incorporating scenes of contemporary African American life. The pattern is now in The Cooper Hewitt, Smithsonian Design Museum's permanent wallpaper collection. On Bridges's website, you can purchase it as fabric, wallpaper, or an assortment of accessories, like these umbrellas

Alcohol

Uncle Nearest: Under the leadership of Fawn Weaver, this Tennessee whiskey brand takes its name from Nathan “Nearest” Green, an enslaved man who distilled whiskey in the 1850s and taught young Jack Daniel the craft.

McBride Sisters Wine: This wine brand was born from two sisters with a passion for wine who spent time n both Monterey and New Zealand’s wine region.

Abbey Creek Vineyard: Oregon’s first Black vineyard owner and winemaker, Bertony Faustin began crafting his wines in 2008.

Darjean Jones Wines: Owner/Winemaker Dawna Darjean Jones, Ph.D. is behind this California label that sources from well-known vineyards in Napa and Sonoma.

HH Bespoke Spirits: Bespoke is a term used for custom-tailored clothing, and it describes some of the goods at the uptown New York boutique Harlem Haberdashery and its parent company, 5001 Flavors. Sharene and Guy Wood, who run the company with family members and other partners, have also used the term for their new line of spirits

Other ways to support Black owned businesses:

• Yelp now identifies local Black owned restaurants

• Etsy is also identifying Black owned businesses on their website

• Buy from your Black friends who have their own businesses

• Do some research in your area to find out what shops and restaurants are owned by your Black community members

Happy shopping friends! And don’t forget, Black Lives Matter!

I need help.

My whole life I grew up being told that things could be worse. From a very young age I internalized the idea that I could never complain about my problems because it could always be worse.

As I’ve said before, I grew up very privileged. I’ve never known what it’s like to worry about where I’d sleep, when I’d eat or how I’d pay my bills. Certainly in my 20’s I worked in some low paying jobs and had to choose between paying bills or eating but I have always had a safe home and a support system. If I got really desperate, I could get help.

I have been acutely aware of this privilege my entire life. So I never complained. I sucked it up and I pushed forward. I didn’t ask for help. No matter what the situation, I pack away the problem, handle it myself or ignore it and I move on. Because it can always be worse.

While I think that mentality has allowed me to be extremely resilient, it has also caused me to internalize my very real problems. I am also unable to ask for help when I need it. I associate asking for help as failure.

Thankfully in the last couple years I have started to make a change. I go to therapy, I do the exercises and I’m opening up more to my circle. I’m learning to say I’m not ok, I need your help.

Heres the thing, everyone needs help. Everyone goes through things that require a support system to lean on. Whether that be family, friends, a therapist, medication — we all need help sometimes.

Surely it can always be worse, but that does not mean you are not experiencing trauma. It doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have a hard time or a bad day. I believe in keeping perspective that life can certainly be worse but I am now fully aware that if I ignore my own problems because of that, I am making my life worse.

Asking for help is actually one of the bravest most evolved things you can do as a human. To recognize that you’re in a way and need support to get through it is next level self awareness. It’s also next level problem solving that will help you to thrive in all avenues of your life. In work, relationships, family, everything.

I am learning to say that life is hard, I need some help. And what I’m finding is people are grateful that I’m finally doing so. They’re feeling loved and valued as people I rely on and they’re happy to see I’m not keeping everything in all the time. It’s incredibly scary, I am not always successful at it, and sometimes I keep everything in only to let it all out at the absolute worst time possible. But I am learning. And I am growing.

Life is hard. Privilege doesn’t mean you don’t have hardships. It doesn’t mean you can’t struggle. Life is hard for everyone. The only way to make it easier is to recognize it, ask for help, and build the strength it takes to do that. You got this!

Disappointing

I’ve written about this before. More than once. It’s a recurring theme for America and I can’t stop thinking about how disappointed I am in our country because of it.

I simply don’t know how to teach you to care about other people.

Our country is in the middle of a pandemic that we should easily have been able to control and move on from months ago. But because our “President” doesn’t care about anyone but himself, we are experiencing mass illness, death, poverty, and a million other things simply because he doesn’t care.

Wearing a mask in this pandemic has become a political issue because people are too selfish and ignorant to care. Instead of doing the right thing, Americans are protesting and refusing to wear a lifesaving piece of cloth.

We are thankfully in the middle of a revolution but because a whole lot of people have spent hundreds of years not caring. Racism is real. That’s not a debate. Black lives matter. Not a debate. Black people are fighting for their literal lives because other people don’t care.

I am so sick of this country. I’m so sick of it that I’m very seriously researching moving abroad when the pandemic ends. And I fucking love this country. I have always been so proud to say that I am American. America has afforded me so many things that I probably wouldn’t have anywhere else in the world. Yet today, I can’t celebrate America. I whisper when I tell people I’m from here. I don’t feel proud of this nation. I’m embarrassed.

Awesome, I get it, there are a whole lot of good things and good people in America. But I’m so sick of the “well there’s still good people left” argument. It’s tired and it’s barely hanging on by a thread.

The America I’m living in right now is selfish, ignorant, and childish. The America I’m watching everyday is filled with this all consuming idea that we are the single center of the universe.

I think a new President will help. It will not solve all our problems. Our government isn’t working for anyone. It’s not creating an American dream. It’s creating a divide, gate and discarding its own to save a dollar.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for people to care again. I don’t know what the breaking point is and I don’t know if I have the patience to wait for that. I don’t know anything.

I wish there was a lesson here or some profound realization but I don’t have one. I’m just as lost as the rest of you. I know one day things will evolve and grow and change because I see the future leaders stepping up and guiding us. I’m just not sure I’m willing to wait for that time to come.

America I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. You know what? I am mad. I’m disappointed and I’m mad and I’m sad. Profoundly sad.

Please try to lead with empathy. Please try to understand that we have to care for others or we all fail. Just consider that life isnt about you all the time. It’s entirely possible for all of us to win.

Oh we got time!

Right now, we have nothing but time. And while I would like to say that I’m one of those DIY queens that’s also on her Peloton for 3 hours a day followed by baking 63 pies all while getting her Masters — I’m more the finishing books, going on walks and taking naps type.

That leaves a lot of time for anxious thoughts. Like a lot of time. And anyone with anxiety will tell you that time is our biggest enemy. We don’t like quiet moments to think.

Here in quarantine, I’ve got a lot of damn time. Which means all of the insecurities and fears I have worked hard to overcome are creeping back up. On top of that, because I have all this time, I’ve discovered new insecurities I never knew existed.

I know I’m not the only one.

As difficult as it is, as stressful as life is, you’ve got to be diligent in how you take care of yourself. 2020 is sort of a test. It’s the world finally saying ok, all those tools you’ve been learning to put in your toolbox, it’s time to break those out.

For my fellow anxiety sufferers, this is your time to get to work. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not going to end anytime soon but it’s critical to surviving and thriving in a pandemic.

Here are my favorite strategies when it comes to being a super anxious person in the time of the Rona!

Acceptance

The only way to start the process of surviving and thriving is to accept the situation. Wrap your mind around where we are at and that we aren’t going back to normal anytime soon, if ever. Understand this will be a challenging time and that’s not something you can wish away. You’re in this, and yes, your anxiety is going to take a toll. Set that baseline expectation.

Make a Plan

Until you have your anxiety under control you need to create a detailed plan. Make a schedule. Stick to it. Create healthy habits. Wake up at the same time everyday. Make healthy meal choices. Include fitness into your routine daily. Get good rest. Pickup a passion project. Read books. Plan your days and stick to them so that you find patterns of positive behavior.

Log Off

Technology is critical to keeping the world moving. We need it for work, social media, and especially now, we use it daily. It’s equally important to log off. That goes for work too. Set boundaries. Get away from social media, cell phones, and sitting in front of the computer

Check In

Check in with yourself early and often. If something isn’t working, adjust. Take a pulse check everyday, throughout the day and figure out what is working well and where you might need to regroup. Don’t get complacent. Mix it up. Keep pushing the boundaries of comfort but be mindful to keep your calm at the center.

Rinse and repeat. There’s no one size fits all to get through this thing. All I know is we are all fighting different battles and little kindness and compassion for everyone (including ourselves) is the only way to survive. And while everything might seem a little doom and gloom right now, choose your battles. Life isn’t canceled. Joy isn’t canceled. New adventures aren’t canceled. It’s up to you what kind of year 2020 will end up to be. Choose wisely.

More than a Social Media Moment

I’m really happy to see more and more people speaking up and saying that Black Lives Matter. I love seeing protests and donations and discussions that have started to takeover because of it. My only concern is that I hope people understand this is more than a social media moment. It is a movement.

So I’d like to share how I, as a white woman am working to make sure everyday I’m contributing to the solution. And before you say “I’ve always been an ally” or “I’ve always been aware” I encourage you to remember that this is a work in progress, you’re never done.

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who is not racist but the thing is, I’ve absolutely said things before, been uneducated, and can always improve. What’s the harm in knowing you can always be a better ally?

Listen

First and foremost, I'm listening to black voices. I’m opening my mind to just sit and listen to stories and experiences of black men and women and taking them for what they are - experiences I have never and will never have. I’m spending time listening without responding so that I take the time to really understand what these stories and experiences mean.

Reflecting

A lot of my time right now is spent reflecting on how/if/when I have been part of the problem. And if I have been, how could I have acted differently? I’m also looking at how the stories I’m hearing are shaping my viewpoint. How would I feel if I was this person? I’m trying to digest everything I’m taking in by simply reflecting on all of it. Taking the time not to speak, but to really digest what it all means and how I’ve been an ally and how I have been a problem.

Talking

I’m first and foremost talking to my white friends. We are having open dialogue on our part in this movement and where we can be better. We are talking about the stories we hear, the research we’ve done, and we are sharing the best places to learn more. We are having safe space discussions and checking in with each other before we speak and act.

Learning

I am constantly learning. Whether that be through reading, watching shows and movies and docs, listening to podcasts - I’m learning. I’m checking out articles, I’m on Twitter looking at what folks are saying. As much as possible I’m trying to retrain my brain. Education in America is based on a white experience. What we learn i school IS the white experience. I have a lot of that to unravel. It starts with seeking out the history that we should have learned and understanding how our country was shaped to oppress black people. It’s learning so that I understand the experience I didn’t have.

Sharing

I haven’t stopped sharing. On the socials, in person, at work - I am constantly sharing knowledge and encouraging discussion. It is my responsibility to do my part and keep the movement going. I’m not going to let it fizzle.

I hope that you’ll join me in continuing to work for change. I have noticed a lot of folks are already letting their feeds go back to normal, and its disheartening. It’s especially disappointing to see among people that call themselves advocates for change. Your entire social media experience doesn’t need to be BLM, but don’t completely erase those posts. Continue to push people to get uncomfortable. Call them out when they show they’re just here for a like on Instagram. Do your part. It’s not easy, but imagine being someone who actually lives this experience everyday. I want a better world. And I understand in order to have that, I’ve got to put in the work.

A Whole New World

It’s a whole new world out there. States are opening up. Restaurants are allowing dine in. Salons are welcoming customers in to fix quarantine mistakes. Sports teams are resuming games without fans.

America is open for business but it’s far from back to normal.

While some folks are diving in head first, others are continuing to stay home. I am part of that second crowd.

I found out recently that I won’t realistically go back to my office until 2021. Yet seeing society transition to a new normal has been really hard for me.

I understand there are many of you who don’t believe you will get COVID. And many of you who feel it’s worth the risk — you’ll be fine. I’ll save my eye rolling and educational lecture for a different blog but I am not willing to take the same risk. For myself because of my immune system and also for others. I care about not endangering anyone else.

At the risk of sounding like a super millennial — finding out I’m not going back to work and knowing it’s still risky to resume “normal life” has been heavy. Really really heavy.

I want to first — as always — acknowledge my privilege and be grateful for where I’m at. I have a job, benefits, a safe home, food, a support system — I have so much that I’ve also given to others because I believe we all should.

That being said, I’m a human being and a really social one at that. Ask my mom, I have always talked to strangers. At no point have I been shy. In fact one of my favorite things about traveling the world is talking to the people in each country. So knowing that I won’t be at ball games or traveling the world for awhile, that’s really hard. Even sitting in a restaurant isn’t something I’m comfortable with right now. No more drinks with friends at a local bar. All of that is not worth the risk.

This is the situation we are in. Now that I know it’s not just a couple month break, I am trying to figure out how to adapt and engage in a way that gives me a social life and a sense of connection to what makes me happy while still respecting the boundaries in place because of this virus.

I know I’m not alone in feeling exhausted by virtual socializing. It isn’t the same. I am also thankful it’s an option that reconnects me with some incredible people. I’ll continue to take breaks when I need to while still investing the time and energy because it provides an important connection with others.

When shelter in place is lifted in my county, I’m planning on escaping to the coast with two girlfriends for a bit. Its a way to safely have human contact that doesn’t cause the anxiety of massive groups. We can cook, chat, have some wine and just connect.

Thinking about how I’m planning my next few months or even year — the common denominator is connection. We may not be engaging with strangers and making new friends like we have in the past, but we are more aware than ever where we spend our time and energy. I am really enjoying figuring out that I can and should say no to people that drain me. In turn I should be re-engaging with the people that give me life.

My advice for those of you that feel hesitant to jump back into the world is to embrace that. Do not live in fear, but it’s ok to be cautious. It’s ok to take longer than others to get to “normal.” Quite frankly you are smarter for it.

Invest your time and your energy into the people who respect your need to tread lightly. Back away from anyone who is giving you more anxiety than joy. Choose to be present with the people you gift your time to. It’s a really cool time to remember that you only get one life, and life as you know it can be forever changed in an instant.

Focus on peace, joy, and compassion. Moving forward and for however long this takes, be gentle with yourself and others. Take it day by day if you have to in order to stay sane. Choose to come out of this with a new perspective and a new outlook on what and who you value. Time is limited. You don’t get it back. How do you want to remember your life?

Rainbows and Unicorns and Angel Wings

My toxic trait is that I inherently believe everyone is good. When I meet people, I assume they are just as loyal, positive, kind and generous as I am.

I know, cute naive young(ish) Ashley — are you high?

Everyone is not inherently good. Not everyone has good intentions. Not everyone wants to see the best for others. Not everyone is all the wonderful things we hope they are.

I have been disappointed by this so much in my life — and yet, I haven’t adjusted my beliefs. When I meet new people, I am smiles and welcomes and lets be friends.

Thankfully, most of the people I spend time around I do believe are really good people. At work and in my personal life. But when I do become disappointed by someone who turns out to not be as good as I’d hoped, it hurts. It makes me feel stupid, I get angry with myself and I get frustrated that overall, I’m probably not that great of a judge of character. Because all the characters are unicorns to me.

It hurts because I am such an empath that it’s really hard for me to process that people so bad things on purpose. I like seeing other people do well. I enjoy helping others become the best versions of themselves.

I know what you’re thinking - what a wild ignorant world you live in babe. You might be right that I am choosing to be hurt because I don’t adjust my perspective. But I’m not going to change it.

I prefer to lead with an open heart and hope that everyone I meet has the potential to be great. When that happens to be wrong, as it does at times — I mourn that loss and I remove them from my circle

Often times people that hurt others are not bad people. For whatever reason it can be a mistake, an insecurity, an immaturity — I don’t even believe most people who do bad things are bad people. I do bad things. I say mean things. But when a line is crossed, I am quick to say no more. Never again.

I was cry recently reminded of this trait when I was disappointed by someone. I have gone through all the unkind blame game tactics to myself, I have talked through the situation with a trusted friend and I have let it go. For me that letting go means cutting the person off if it’s a friendship, and keeping things very cordial if it’s a colleague.

I’m sure I’m not the only empath who welcome everyone into this sparkly happy world each time you meet. The moral of this story is to say keep doing what you are doing.

You will be hurt. More than once. Potentially often. But I would rather live in the world as someone who sees good than who assumes bad.

It will feel shameful at times. Embarrassing. You will feel used and frustrated and best yourself up for letting this happen again and again! But just remember, you lead with kindness. The choices others make are their own. Don’t let the world make you hard. Be the one who says I know there’s ugly out there, but have you seen all the good?

I don’t know — maybe I am naive. And maybe that’s ok. I have good instincts when it matters. I am a survivor for myself and others. And I’ve proven that more than once. But for the little things. The introductions and the new coworkers and new friends — I’m going to be ok being called naive. I’ve been called worse. And I’m still smiling.

I guess my toxic trait, my Achilles heel — is that I care too much, I smile too much and I believe in the goodness around me. It could be worse. It could be a whole lot worse than being annoyingly endlessly hopeful.

Quarantine Reflections: A Summary

OOOOO WEE that was a long one! Here in the Bay Area we have been on a shelter in place for almost 3 months. And while I know a whole lot of people who didn’t take that seriously (aka crappy humans), I and my family & most of my friends really did.

Everyone says the world will be forever changed. Which seems obvious. We’ve gone through a global pandemic. Changing how we interact with each other, how we do business, and what we deem essential.

As I make my way back into my new normal, I’m taking the time to think about what I want to take with me and what I’d like to leave behind from before this all started.

When I think about the things I’d like to let go of (or make a solid effort to because old habits die hard), here’s what I’ve narrowed my list down to:

• Things: Yes, my last piece was about the ridiculous things I’ve purchased on Amazon but for the most part, I’m learning that the things I think I need, I don’t. They’re just things. I can get by on less. I cleaned out my closet twice during the shelter in place and came up with five giant garbage bags of clothes, shoes, accessories - things - I can live without. I’m still going to make some impulse buys, but I’m really going to choose to be thoughtful about my purchases and whether or not I need them or they’re cluttering my home and life.

• Prioritizing Work: I have always put work first. I am driven to succeed and that will not change. I am going to choose to set better boundaries at work and realize that my entire life cannot revolve around work. I started to notice that it controlled my mood, my self worth and guided most decisions. Then the world stopped and my life wasn’t 24/7 work. I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to see my friend and family, I wanted to explore, and I wanted to do more than just work. I’ll still be a high achiever, but that’s possible in a healthier way.

• Helping Others: I am a giver. Truly being able to be financially stable has made me happiest because I can give back to those around me who are important to me. Yet I’m also really getting a new perspective on letting that guide my everyday. I want to work on things that help others and solve the world’s problems. Thankfully I am at a company that allows for that to happen in my work life. In my personal life, I want to continue to be an advocate for those who don’t have my privilege. I want to keep talking about women’s healthcare and the rights to make choices about our own bodies. And I want to be even more mindful about where I spend my money so that I am not supporting businesses and people who do not prioritize doing the right thing. I want to let go of buying to buy or giving to give and I want to be intentional about where my money goes to ensure it’s supporting the things I believe in.

When I think about what I want to carry with me from this into the new world, here’s my focus:

• Say No: I am going to stop with the pressures of saying yes just to say yes. I’m going to get over the anxiety I get in saying no to things I think I “should” be doing. I don’t know when or if something like this will happen again. I don’t know when I won’t have the opportunity to see someone else again. And I’ve also seen some people take really ugly selfish actions during this time. I’m going to say no to the people and things that don’t bring me joy. Instead I am going to make sure that I’m putting my time and energy into the people who mean the most and who show me I mean the most to them.

• Travel: I miss travel more than anything. I never really thought about how big a role it plays in my life but when I reflect back, I’m generally on an airplane or in the car on the way to an adventure more than I am not. While financially my goal is to own a home soon (not in California…those who know me well can guess where I’ll be headed to next), I am also going to get back to traveling. Not sure how realistic getting out of the country is in 2020, but there are plenty of places in the United States worth visiting. And a whole lot of loved ones to see in this beautiful country.

• Vulnerability: I have always been very resilient. For the first month or so of this thing, I was perfectly content being at home. When month two hit, I started to struggle with anxiety, PTSD, and some depression that I had never experienced before. I didn’t know how to handle it. I used my tools, went to therapy but I was still struggling. Still am sometimes if I’m being honest. As much as I talk about my mental health, I still keep things pretty close to the chest. I was forced to open up to some of my friends and family though because I flat out needed help. I hope to continue to find the strength to do that. It’s incredibly scary and I am incredibly self conscious about it, but I feel closer to the people who matter most when I risk that vulnerability.

Finally, I hope that as a world we learn empathy. I hope that despite a truly disgusting time in America led by a horrific President, we choose to fight back with love. So many people have chosen to give back to complete strangers because of a belief in doing the right thing. We as an entire global community have to exist together with the resources we are given. It’s impossible to keep things going in a positive direction without remembering that. I would rather make the world better for as many people as possible than only have a select few thrive. If that means I have to give up a little bit of what I’ve got so someone else can feed their family, sign me up.

A global pandemic is really not something I ever thought we’d face in my lifetime. It’s been like a movie and something I’m very much living but also extremely detached from. Because I have a job, healthcare benefits, a roof over my head and a support system — I have been able to treat this as a bit of a break from chaos. I even think it’s been healthy for me in many ways. I also firmly believe that Mother Nature was screaming and we weren’t listening and so she decided to take action.

Look — I get it, I’m one of the lucky ones in all of this. So because I have been, I’m going to count my blessings, see the silver lining, and let this time push me to be a better person for myself and others.

I hope that even if you haven’t been so lucky, you take the time to reflect on what you can leave behind and what you can renew as we all come together in our new reality.