Unbothered

I used to be bothered by everything. Because I allowed myself to be everything to everyone, I felt the need to respond to e v e r y t h i n g. It was a driving need to explain myself, to fix everything for everyone, and it was exhausting. It contributed greatly to my worst anxiety days.

The other day I realized I’m a whole lot of unbothered a whole lot of the time lately. My anxiety is not cured — in fact I had a complete overwhelming debilitating day just last week — but in general, I am un-fucking-bothered.

And that’s the goal. To not feel the need to exist to meet the needs of others. Or to explain myself. Or to fix things that are not mine to manage.

Truly for the first time it felt like “ok, this is what I’ve been working so hard for.” This is why I do the hard work (and it IS work) at therapy. This is why I face my demons and my past — to feel that clarity.

It motivates me to keep working.

Being unbothered is a state of just living. Focusing on your own growth, your own stuff and how to take care of yourself first. It’s expressing your own needs to others and refusing to explain who you are.

It’s life changing. I hope it lasts.

It helps me to love more, forgive when no apology has been offered, and to walk away from situations that aren’t serving me. Which is allowing me to invest more in people and situations that make my heart feel whole.

The difference between unbothered and that whole “IDGAF” moment is that you care a lot. I care a whole fucking lot. I give all the fucks. All of them. But only about the really important things. I am caring about the things that make me a whole healthy human so that I can have enriched relationships and experiences.

It’s a focused GAF if you will. Because you really should give a lot of fucks. But only about the things that serve you well. Only about the things that make you feel good. Do what you gotta do. Have those difficult breakthroughs. Work on making yourself healthy so that the world around you can be a better place to exist. Self care is self preservation. And if you’re doing it right, it’s self love and self investment for all the people and things coming in your future.

Virtuous

When I was young, I thought I wanted to save myself for marriage. I never really knew why, it was just something I thought you were supposed to do as a woman. It didn’t come from my parents, it didn’t come from religion — I truly cannot pinpoint why I ever thought this defined my value as a woman.

And yet for a good number of years in adolescence I thought that a woman’s value as a partner meant she had to be a virgin until marriage.

The thing is, I actually vividly remember my Dad having “the talk” with me. I’m sure my mom did too, but I actively remember my dad telling me that sex would happen, and to respect my body and myself by only doing what I wanted to do and doing so safely. I have no memory of anyone in my family placing value on me or who I am as a woman based on any “virtue.” In fact, as a forever athlete and born loud and opinionated woman — I have always been told my body is my choice in all aspects of life.

Now realistically, I’m not married, and I am no virgin. And that doesn’t take away from my value as a partner. It’s also not something I regret nor will I ever. A woman’s body doesn’t belong to anyone. Certainly my sexual history matters, purely from a healthy perspective. But I’m good. All clean here folks. Other than that, if a man doesn’t accept my decisions around my body; he is not the man for me.

I started to wonder how women get their views around sex. Some of it from media of course. A lot from religion. And probably the most from their own family beliefs. So really, maybe I’m just weird and created that virginal image in my head. The point - women should be free to determine what we do with our own bodies when it comes to sex.

If it’s healthy, if it’s a choice you make for yourself, you get you 1 partner or 100 partners.

I am not shaming anyone who chooses to save themselves for marriage. That’s your right too. And I think if that’s a choice you are making for yourself of your own desire - that’s the best decision for your body. But if it’s what you do because you’re told to, that’s not a reason to wait. It’s also not a reason not to.

I want us to teach women all the facts. I want to share many stories about many different women who make many different choices. I want sex Ed to teach more than abstinence as the only option. I want women to be spoken to in a way that makes them confident enough to understand their own sexuality. And to never feel shame for whatever choices we choose to make.

I want to see more women who stand up and say maybe my choices aren’t “normal” but they’re healthy, consensual and safe — and that makes them good choices. I want women to be spoken to with respect and with the belief that we are the best people to make decisions about our own bodies. Because we sure as shit don’t need anyone else to tell us what to do with the body we exist in everyday.

Most of all, I want women to know we are worth more than our virtue. And that anyone who says differently, is not for you. You are more than the sum of who you sleep with. And you’re more than the things people want to tell you about how to use your own body. You are a whole human being capable of the hard decisions because you are the one who has to live and love with them.

Sparkle Season: A Recap

How in the hell is 2019 over? That was a whole blur of things. But here we are. Sparkle season is coming to an end and I’m a glitter ball of emotion.

I still don’t do that whole resolution thing. But I am feeling significantly more in the spirit of reflection than I normally am this time of year. Sentimental is a new look for me.

2019 was wild. My body took a beating. From freezing my eggs to tearing my calf to the time they thought I had breast cancer. And to be honest; I have been nothing but unkind to this body that got me through all of that. I’ve belittled her, called her names, and I have been less than appreciative of the strength she has shown. She got us through some shit, and I vow to work really hard on loving her moving forward.

2019 was a tough year for my mental health. I committed to an entire year of consistent weekly therapy. I missed very few sessions and for the first time, I actually got real in them. I opened up and didn’t run from the hard stuff. I did the homework after session and I can see and feel the difference this has made. Both for me, my work life, my relationships — in every aspect of life — I am better for therapy. I vow to continue this investment moving forward.

2019 has got me in a career groove. It has not been all rainbows and unicorns all the time, but a good majority of it really has. I have found a place I thrive, a place I can build strong authentic relationships, and a place I want to stay at for the foreseeable future. I vow to appreciate and cultivate this opportunity moving forward.

2019 has made me reevaluate friendships. I’ve invested in people that invest in me and I’ve walked quietly away from those who do not. Sometimes I’ve done that loudly. But I have been a better friend to myself first, making me a better friend to the people around me. I am more open to being open. I am more comfortable with being vulnerable. And I am for the first time existing in truly healthy relationships of all kind. And more importantly, keeping those personal, private, and on a need to know basis. I vow to continue to love me first, and the people important to me a fierce second.

2019 been all the things. Positive and negative and every single stop in between. 2020 is something I’m excited for. I feel it in my veins that it’s going to be just one impactful year for me. I have no idea what voo doo witchcraft crystal sage moment I’m living in, but it’s a feeling I have so strongly, and I am so freaking excited to see where I go.

Happy New Years sequins! May all your dreams come true!

Santa - I know him!

Merry Christmas all! It’s been quite some time since I believed in Santa Claus, but I certainly still believe in the magic of the Holiday Season! I wanted to talk a little bit about how my family has chosen to handle presents as we’ve gotten older.

My brother and I are both grown adults. And while our level of adulting is often questionable, we can essentially buy the things we want and need in life. We are also very lucky and have truly never wanted for anything. I am very aware of how lucky I am and very much in a position to give back.

So in my family we have decided to forego big presents. We do stockings and that’s it. And yes, we are lucky to do that because our stocking stuffers are still very generous and very much appreciated.

But outside of that, we each choose a charity We are each passionate about and donate an amount of our choice. For me, giving back is more important in life than receiving. I love gifts, don’t get me wrong but the state of our union lately just inspires me to give more than I receive.

I’m really passionate about a lot of issues in the world. I speak up about them a lot. In my opinion, that means I better be putting my money where my mouth is, especially during the Holiday Season.

Santa has been kind to me over the years. Really kind. And life is really kind to me year round. It’s my turn to be Santa for those that aren’t as lucky as I am. I encourage you to give back this Holiday Season — whatever that looks like to you. Financially, with your time - however you are able to give, do so. It matters.

{Beauty} ful

In the past few years, I have become addicted to beauty and skincare. On top of that, I’m really into the environment and nontoxic products (and no animal testing, DUH!). I am also deeply invested in affordability.

All of that being said, that’s a lot of requirements and not as easy to find the right products as you would think.

I wanted to share some of my favorite products of late because women need to get out there and share the magic. We should all be taking care of our skin, looking fly, and doing right by the world we live in.

Brands I Love

ELF (eyeslipsface)

I’ve been sing ELF since they were a tiny little shop out of NYC. They’ve evolved from sort of a Wet n Wild competitor to an actual respectable brand and yet still maintain a really inexpensive price point. I buy a whole lot from this brand. From mascara to BB cream to lip gloss, I love it all.

Specs: Cruelty free, paraben free, 100% vegan

Bare Minerals

Bare minerals is another brand I’ve been using since I was about 16. Unfairly so, I don’r require face makeup. So the minimal coverage powders are right up my alley. I have been obsessed with faux tan since the beginning and their mascara is to die for.

Specs: Paraben free, phalate free, formaldehyde free, chemical sunscreen free, trisodan free, triclocarbon free, propylene-glycol free, mineral oil free, coal tar free, microbead free, cruetly free

Paula’s Choice

I love this skincare line. The packaging is simple, the ingredients are simple. I have extremely sensitive skin and need a line that doesn’t add all the fluff. They’re also committed to recycling and sustainability in general, which is really important to me. They also always have sales so the products are extremely reasonably priced and are yet often medical grade.

Ingredients they avoid: 1,4 Dioxane, Abrasive particles, Alcohol, Aluminum powder, essential oils, formaldehyde, fragrant plant extracts, nanoparticles, phthalates, sodium lauryl sulfate, synthetic dyes, synthetic fragrance, talc, toluene

Kopari

I’ve just begun using the Kopari brand because I read so much about their commitment to pure and sustainable ingredients. After my limited exposure, I’m hooked. The ingredients are natural and not harsh and thus don’t aggravate my extremely sensitive skin. Plus, free shipping over $30 and reasonably priced products are a bonus.

Specs: 100% pure, organic coconut oil sustainably sourced from small family farms in the Phillipnes. Sulfate free, paraben free, cruelty free, phthalate free, vegan

Coola

I first started sing Koola because I received a sample in my Birchbox. I am obsessed. The quality is on point, the variety of the products is enough for my simple need and they remind me of being on an island. It’s mostly sun care products which tbh we could all use more of!

Specs: Farm to face, cruelty free, plant protection, antioxidant rich, sustainable, nonirritating

Alright everyone - share with me — What products are you using?!

Unconscious Bias

I’m pretty "woke.” I like to stay informed fight for equality, talk to people that are nothing like me. But I am not perfect. And I’ve got a lot of unconscious biases to move away from.

The other day I made a comment about a photo and how in the Lululemon ad it looked like the woman had a penis in her leggings. In no way was it meant to be negative towards the trans community. It was more poking fun at Lululemon, a company famous for its biases towards really thin women. My coworker made a really valid point: women can have penises too.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t mean any offense. It could be offensive to someone. I get it, we are all so very offended these days. But this falls into the category of something that I could put effort into being more aware. I believe it is my responsibility as a feminist to make everyone feel equal and loved.

I’m also not saying I should feel guilty or like I did anything wrong. The truth is, I’ve grown up in a very straight hetero normative world. That’s really all I’ve known because its my experience. I have to unlearn those experiences to some extent to welcome in new norms.

Why is this important? Why can’t everyone just “be less sensitive?” Sure, we can go that route, and that’s fine if that’s really how you want to live. I personally believe in equality. I want to experience that for myself and for future generations. So I’m willing to put in a little extra work, to ensure that I’m changing my unconscious biases and making the world easier for others.

I think we’ve actually become less sensitive and more selfish. We get so outraged and point so many fingers and instead of figuring out what something means, we just lash out. We are uninformed and we aren’t talking to each other and that’s creating a lack of safe space for really everyone.

Instead of becoming angry or defensive - take a deep breath. Have the conversation with an open mind. And if ultimately a little compassion and a little extra effort on your part can make someone else more comfortable, how is that not worth the energy? I’d hope that someone would do the same for me. We all have to live here, let’s make it livable.

A Case of the Sads

Anxiety has been a constant in my life as long as I can remember. As a child I was misdiagnosed with depression but thankfully, that’s not ever been something I’ve dealt with.

Recently though, I’ve had random cases of the “sads.” It’s never a long term thing, and it’s never as horrible as stories I’ve heard from others who truly suffer from it — but it’s not pleasant to go through.

I didn’t even understand it at first. The feeling of general just sad and the inability to know why. It' was an overwhelming lack of energy, not wanting to be social and a loss of appetite. For someone who doesn’t experience those things, I found it especially unsettling.

Thankfully, I have tools in place to manage my mental health in a really positive way.

I prioritized therapy, spoke up to the people around me, and I took the time I needed for self care.

I don’t have depression. So it’s a lot easier for me to sit here and say I did those three things and I pulled myself out of the darker time. However, regardless of what mental health struggles you have - you have to prioritize managing it.

It’s really easy to say that you have anxiety or depression and sit on that as a crutch in life. Sometimes people even use it to excuse really bad behavior. And that’s all it is, an excuse.

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be a bad person.

Having a mental illness does make life a little harder day to day. Sometimes a lot harder. And I think that means that you can ask people to be patient with you, but it does not mean you can ask people to accept you if you refuse to help yourself.

Mental illness isn’t fair, and neither is life. You have to put in the work. You have to utilize the resources available to you (and I do realize I am privileged to have all the resources I do). There are resources. Some have to work harder to get to them, but they are there.

Most of all, it really starts with acknowledging what you deal with and committing yourself to putting in the work to exist day to day.

Some days I’m at my worst, and I need to step away from people and places in order to just be by myself and process. And some days I have to ask for help - something I’m very uncomfortable with. None of it is easy, but it is important.

Bottom line, it’s ok to have the sads sometimes. It’s ok to feel complete overwhelming anxiety. Never be ashamed of those things. It’s not ok to use those ailments as a crutch as you operate through life.

Thankful in 2019

It’s time for my annual Thanksgiving post! This year I am thankful for fierce female friendships.

It’s no secret that I am a passionate feminist. Truly we all should be. Equality is important and women empowering women, that just gives me all the feels.

I’m thankful for the women in my life who are showing me that I’m a strong, loyal, loving, kind, and fabulous person. I’m thankful when they support me without judgment. I am thankful when they call me out when I’m not giving my best. I am thankful they love me fiercely always.

I’ve never been one to trust easily. I am much more a independent human than I am with a pack. But I am also extremely loyal and identify strongly as a team player.

Having women in my life who show me that I can trust them, come to them when I need help, and that they’re on my team too - that’s something that I never knew I could have.

This Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for you my fierce female squad. You absolutely know who you are and I just love you so much for showing me that women can be anything, everything, none of the things, whatever we want to be. You are my team, my family, and I am forever grateful for you.

I think I have feelings

My entire life I thought that I was someone who just didn’t have feelings. I’ve claimed to be unemotional since I can remember.

I’ve always associated that with being tough. Strong. And positive.

Recently, I think I have discovered that I have feelings. Like a whole fucking lot of feelings.

And that’s weird. And almost shameful.

I don’t quite know how to unpack that.

But you guys, I think I actually have a lot of feelings. That I’m actually extra in the feels. I have every feel. All of them. And I feel them very deeply.

Not really sure why not one of you ever told me this. In fact a lot of you have accused me of being cold. Aloof. Uncaring. About all the things in the book that mean I’m essentially a soulless being.

Not one of you was like hey wait a minute maybe she actually has some sensitivity but she was taught that feelings are bad and to store them in this box in the back of the storage unit.

I think that’s why happened. I’m an athlete from a family of athletes and by accident, I was raised to keep my emotions to myself.

To be fair I’ve also had my fair share of traumas and eventually you learn to cope because of those. You learn to protect yourself, build a front and survive.

All I know is to be super passionate and over the top, but to still keep actual feelings very much hidden. I’m not sure how that’s even worked logistically but it does and it looks like rainbows and sunshine and fierce voices but also never saying the words “I feel.”

Now I think that I have a lot of feels. I think they’ve always been there but I have not felt safe to share them. I truly associate having emotions with weakness. Even today acknowledging that is an absurd belief, I find it hard to give it up.

I am ashamed if I ever show a real emotion. Happiness and excitement are my default. But if there are tears or fear or intense anger, you need to leave the room, I need to leave the room. Someone needs to blow up this room and we all need to pretend that this never occurred.

If this were a program, I’d be at step one. Realistically I know this is unhealthy, unsustainable, and unrealistic. But I’m also really not at the point that I’ve started trying to be better. Like I have, and then I haven’t. There’s been some casual toe in the water but a really really quick foot back in the shoe and on a run somewhere else.

So where I’m at is step one. I’m admitting to me, myself, I — and the 3-5 people who read this blog that I’ve got a really big problem. And I’ve got a lot of really big emotions. I feel a lot of things very deeply. For a really long period of time.

I guess what’s next is figuring out how to not run from that.

Shine On

I recently discovered Reese Whitherspoon’s new Netflix show ‘Shine On.’ And by discoverer, I mean binge watched the entire season in one night.

I have always been a Reese fan. She’s a vocal advocate for speaking up because it’s the right thing to do. She’s a woman who refuses to be defined by any societal standards. She’s a badass boss. A Southern Belle. And what I can only imagine is a fierce force of nature.

This series inspires me. I’m easily inspired in that I already heavily relate to the women’s empowerment movement. I love that we are teaching women to love themselves, celebrate what makes them unique, and to speak up for what we believe in.

I’d been having a tough day after a tough couple of weeks. Quite frankly, I’d been experiencing some depression, uncontrollable anxiety, and a bit of hopelessness. So dramatic, but also so very real and not something I want to hide from.

I know it’s a Netflix show, but it has left me inspired. And motivated. And hopeful.

And I think we need to hold on tight to the things that make us feel sunshine. It all really got me thinking that there are a whole lot of simple things that are magic.

I am a big moments girl. I love the big changes. The huge occasions. Maybe that’s why I feel things so deeply.

But that’s not life. Life is all of the things in between that keep you going. Its the moments in life that make you laugh and cry and feel whole.

So I am thankful for shows like this that remind me life is a really really long journey. It’s a lot of things that are hard and wonderful and everything in between.

I am thankful lately for the people in my life who remind me that I am wonderful — full stop. I’m not too much and I’m not too loud and I’m strong and it is ok to not be strong all the time. It’s ok to let go. It’s ok to not have big moments every single day.

And it’s really ok to grow out of needing to run every time things get uncomfortable.

I think that having little things - like shows filled with superwomen - make the days better.

Figure out what makes you feel like sunshine. And shine on