Don’t Sweat It

I am a sweaty human. Walking, running, sitting at my desk - I’m sweating in some form. I’ve been this way my whole life. And I’ve been absolutely horrified embarrassed about it the entire time - which results in me being - more sweaty.

I actively apologize to people for being sweaty. I’ll make jokes about it to lighten my own insecurity about it. Sometimes I forget what I’m saying because I am distracted By wondering if anyone can tell if I’m sweating. My body just runs hot, sweaty and that’s the way sparkle Jesus made me.

And why in the world is that so embarrassing? Why am I apologizing for something that I cannot control?

You may have something about you that you’re wildly embarrassed about. Maybe you have acne. Big ears? Some people are gassy. The common denominator is that as a society we have labeled these things as embarrassments. We go to go to drastic efforts to hide them.

Look, nobody wants to feel different or identify as having less than favorable characteristics - but the truth is a lot of people have them. And a lot of people cannot control them.

Do I wish I was one of those adorable women who is cold and adorable and cute all the time? Even at the gym? I do. I unfortunately sweat like a pig in heat. And it’s not cute. It’s not adorable. But it is who I am. And it really isn’t anything to feel shame for.

Truly the things we are most self conscious about are usually a big deal to us. We draw attention to them with humor and hope to downplay them; which only ends up bringing them to attention.

Mom challenging you (and myself) to own your quirks. Don’t apologize for the way you were made. Refuse to own any shame that comes with things out of your control. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable with yourself, but don’t shrink yourself to fit into what society tells you is how you have to be.

Maybe don’t be gross, but don’t hide the parts of you that make you unique just because it makes someone else uncomfortable.

The world is a really weird and scary place. And there are enough things to worry about like healthcare and jobs and family and relationships - so cut yourself a break on the things you can’t control. It’s just not worth adding that stress to your day when you’re already trying to beat traffic, make the meeting, kill the presentation, feed the family and do it all while balancing healthy living.

So I’m sweaty, at least I’m a dope human being and I bring sparkle to the world. Perhaps I shouldn’t - sweat the small stuff! …I said it!

Complimentary

Compliments make me feel awkward. Like hives awkward. I don’t know how to respond, what to say, what to do with my hands - none of it.

If I’m getting into my college sociology about it, I think most women don’t know how to manage compliments. Unlike men, we are taught to be humble and put ourselves second. So we shrug off the niceties and give the credit to others, even when that credit is ours to take.

If I’m getting psychological about it, I think it’s my life as an athlete and the culture of being the best but owing it to the team and coaches. It’s ingrained in us to work really hard but share the credit with the people who motivate us each day.

I’m sure it also has to do with my deep rooted need to criticize myself because I won’t accept anything less than perfection.

Whatever the reason, I cannot take a compliment.

Watching me take a compliment is like watching a baby giraffe take its first steps. It’s all wild flailing and massive falls.

I want to be better about taking compliments and accepting credit where it is due because I work really hard and I’m a really good person.

I think building my confidence and learning to accept my flaws is rooted in being able to simply say thank you when someone says something kind about me.

I’m working on challenging myself to do so. To say thank you and move on.

And that shit is hard. Really hard.

Every time I receive a compliment, I can say thank you, but then I immediately want to word vomit something that makes me more humble or point out a negative trait about myself. It’s a physical need where this tiny little anxiety monster yells at me like “YOU”RE NOT THAT GREAT SAY IT.” And so I do.

Literally the only place I’ve been successful thus far is in therapy, and that’s because my therapist will stop me and not allow me to qualify myself.

The more and more I practice though, the easier it is getting to tell my anxiety monster to back off.

It’s part of our culture to practice humility. And that’s important. But it is also important to acknowledge the really great things about who you are. Life reminds us often of our imperfections, allowing the things that make us great to be said out loud is important to maintaining a good personal value.

Get complimentary, and get that way with yourself.

Take a breath.

Alright, I’m noticing these blogs are taking on a theme lately. I’m obviously thinking a lot about opinions, judgments, and respecting differences.

Humans are by nature judgmental. From looks to jobs to homes to opinions, we judge it all. The state of politics and social issues has only intensified the need to judge.

Because of that, I’ve made a conscious effort lately to take a breath. To take a breath and have compassion. To take a breath and remain neutral. To take a breath and move on.

Being judgmental is really exhausting. It’s a sickness that can aggravate anxiety and is really easy to avoid if you make a real effort to do so. You’ve got to understand that judgment on its own doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t change how another person acts. It doesn’t make you feel any better about anything.

Judgment is a poison.

If you’re going to judge another, have a plan of action afterwards. Either figure out why you’re judging and realize it has nothing to do with you and move on - or figure out how that judgment can be turned into positive action.

If you are judging the way someone looks, stop. That’s the type of judgment that is none of your business and says a lot more about you than anyone else.

If you are judging someone for being a racist, choose to educate and then choose to disassociate yourself with this person.

Judgment is a poison.

It will poison your heart, mind, and soul if you let it.

Most of the judgments we make each day are unnecessary. Most can be removed from your world entirely.

Actively choose to refuse to take part in this toxic culture. Take a breath. Make a decision based in positive outcomes moving forward.

The only way we can figure out how to absolve some of the hate we have is by choosing love. Educate with love. Speak with love. Lead from a place of love, if only for your own self care.

Career Corner: Some Advice

It has been a minute since I’ve provided any sort of career advice!

Something I’ve been working on in my own career journey lately is making myself a differentiator. What that means is what can you do to make yourself stand out at work so that when it is time for raises, promotions, and bonuses - you are at the forefront of management’s mind?

Here’s what I’m doing.

Master your role

First and foremost you need to be a master of your role. This should be your number one priority at all times. You cannot expect to be rewarded for anything until you know how to excel at what you’re paid to do. Additionally, any networking you’ve done, any side projects, none of those matter if you are only mediocre at the job. Be the best at what your roles and responsibilities are before anything else. That is your brand.

Next Level

Once you’re completely mastered your current role, look to what the next step responsibilities are and start mastering those. For example, if a promotion for you means managing others, start to be a leader on your team. Support others, provide growth opportunities, share feedback. Become someone that is a resource for the rest of the team. Be seen as a leader among your peers.

Learn Learn Learn

Never stop learning. If your company provides growth training or opportunities to attend conferences, take them. I work in tech. I am constantly having to reeducate myself on our technologies and solutions as well as teach myself about the ever changing new tech in the world. Never ever get comfortable in thinking that you are an expert. There is always something more to learn.

Differentiate

Figure out an area that your company or team is lacking and provide solutions for growth. Showcase the skills you have that can fill this void. I am passionate about hospitality and creating one of a kind experiences. I work at a company with endless resources to accomplish this. So I’ve challenged myself to go the extra mile and provide next level experiences for our customers.

Network

Always be networking. But effectively. It’s about who you know, but it’s also about the relationships that are authentic. And back to number one, the best networking you can do is be great at your job. You will get noticed when your brand is associated with excellence. It’s also about making meaningful connections. Don’t always look for the highest ranking person in the room, they truly rarely have time for you (rightfully so). Get to know people in the room that can provide a mutually beneficial relationship and that can teach you something. Be respectful of their time. Be authentic. Don’t be someone who only reaches out because they need something. Networking shouldn’t be a forced fake interaction. It should be real and make sense for two people.

It seems simple, but that’s a lot of things to put in place. Put the work in. Be a good person. Go above and beyond. Be authentic. And when it’s your time, give back to the next generation.

Good luck out there sequins!

I have a lot of opinions.

This is not surprising, but I have a lot of opinions. Last weeks blog led me to dive a little deeper into the topic and I got to thinking about having a lot of opinions.

Like a lot. And I have not one problem sharing those opinions.

As I’ve gotten older though, I’ve learned that not everything requires me to have an opinion.

And it has changed my life.

Having anxiety means that little things that normally would not bother most people, sit with me for a long time. It’s part of the need to control my world and part of the high standards I hold for myself but for people with anxiety, it’s a daily battle not to internalize and overthink everything.

The odd thing about having a lot of opinions is that I’m actually one of the least judgmental people in the world. I’m the person you want to come to when you’ve done some embarrassing things because I will not judge. But if you come to me for advice, if you are someone important to me, I will become deeply invested in your story.

Which is what I found has led me to care too much about things and let them cause me stress when they don’t need to.

For example - if a friend comes to me for relationship advice and over and over does the things I have said not to do. I’m going to feel that deeply. It will frustrate me to no end that the person continues to do the thing that is causing them the problem.

If a friend complains constantly about a job they don’t enjoy, but lacks the initiative to make a change, that will make me bonkers.

And that’s on me.

What I’ve worked on lately is understanding that people are what they are, they’re going to do what they’re going to do and they will do it in their own time - and that has nothing to do with me.

The only thing I can control is me. The only think I should do for these people is be there for them. Give them honest advice, and then go about my day.

You have to save your give a fuck’s for the big things. The things that matter. If you waste all your fuck’s on the little things, you will self destruct.

So here’s what I do. When I’m overwhelmed or my inner anxiety monster starts to get wild about something someone else is doing in their life - I say to her - you know what, that’s not how I would live my life, but I respect how they live theirs.

And ain’t that the realest thing you could ever tell yourself?

Truth is, unless we are living someone else’s life, we don’t know what we would do. There’s a whole series of events and experiences that shape what each of us does. Not agreeing with another person’s choices doesn’t change them.

I care very deeply about the people that are important to me. I will always be this overly opinionated human being who just wants her tribe to have the best in the world. Yet that also means being my best self for them. Which means learning how to step back, listen, and not push my opinions on them. It also means not causing myself undue stress because I cannot control their actions.

It’s ok to have opinions. It’s ok to feel deeply invested in your people. It is not ok to create an unhealthy mindset because of those things.

We have enough to manage in our own lives, focus on how you can be your best self and the rest will follow.

You and Only You

Stop expecting you from other people.

I say this to myself about 100 times a day. I sincerely struggle with the fact that not everyone at work and in life meets my effort, sincerity, and compassion.

I work really hard, I care a lot about being aware of others, I care a lot in general. I sit here and I’m like I don’t give any fucks, but I do, I give all of them.

Truth is, not everyone else does. Some people are OK existing in a status quo. They are less aware of what others think and feel. And that makes me insane.

But I can’t change it.

There really is nothing wrong with people who exist in a level of bare minimum. It’s not actively rude or bad, but to those of us who exist in the consistent level of striving for excellence; it is the absolute worst.

Learning to remind myself that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect ME in other people is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I actively struggle with this every single day, all day long. It has caused me heartache, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger because I really do not comprehend that other people do not share my values.

I know I’m not the only person who struggles with this idea that the way we are is not a standard expectation in society. People are not required to exist on that next level.

So how do you stop yourself from going crazy?

First, you have to remind yourself to set realistic expectations when interacting with the everyday human. You’re going to have to do this a lot throughout the day. And realize this isn’t about you. How others choose to live, is their own choice. It is not about you.

Second, you have a responsibility to be up front about your needs when it comes to your personal relationships. With a partner, friend, or family member - let them know what matters to you in a relationship. If you need them to commit more, say so. But realize that you may lose people in your life because they cannot match your efforts. Figure out what matters more, keeping them in your life or having them meet your expectations. Because they are not required to meet those expectations, it is not wrong for them not to.

Lastly - I think at work it’s worth singling out that you only need to worry about you. Not everyone is an overachiever. Stay in your lane. If it isn’t affecting your ability to do your job, it’s not your business. By nature, I want to take on more, grow, and push the limits of being the best. I have absolutely allowed the fact that others don’t do the same to frustrate me. I’ve allowed myself to get involved in things that aren’t my business. And now I’m actively removing myself from those equations. Because that’s on me.

My greatest weakness is that I do not fully comprehend not everyone is me. What I need to do is realize that my superpower is that nobody else is me.

Whatever is your biggest flaw can become your biggest asset. It’s all about how you choose to harness it. For years I let my expectations of others cripple me but now I use it to help me grow.

Have expectations, but don’t let them define your life. Expect the best but don’t be broken by the worst. Hold others to a higher standard, but don’t dictate the standards they choose for themselves.

You - and only you - are responsible for what you give and get out of life. Act accordingly.

Life is a team sport

Everything in life relates back to sports. Nothing makes me more sure of that than experiencing the overwhelming support from friends, family, colleagues - even acquaintances as I’ve been open about my life journey.

And nothing has been made more clear to me than the idea that life is a team sport. You cannot get through life without a team.

Yet in America, we are very much living under leadership that tries to show us it is every white man for himself. What has thankfully come from that is a large group of people who refuse to be anything but compassionate for others. That’s where I’m currently moving each and every day.

The older I get, the more I see our country promote hate and divisiveness, the more I want to be patient, loving, caring, and engaged in life as a teammate.

What does it mean to be a good teammate in life?

Look, I cannot teach you how to care about other people. We shouldn’t have to show you a bunch of graphs and evidence as to why you should care. There is no help for the people who do not understand caring about other human beings matters.

This is for the people who care.

Being a good teammate is leading from a place of compassion. It’s thinking about life as an ecosystem that requires diverse entities in order to survive and thrive.

It means not operating from a place of greed. It means knowing you can have it all and more, so maybe helping someone else with the more that I have would be a really great thing to do.

It’s giving support to people who might need it more than you.

It’s saying I don’t know your struggle but I support you in going through it and being brave enough to share it.

It is acknowledging that we are all different, yet all equal in our value as a human life.

For me, it’s finding more patience and less judgement for others. It’s listening to their stories, hopes, dreams, and fears and simply saying I hear you. And it’s finding a way to help whenever I have the capacity to do so. It’s admitting I am privileged and while I don’t owe anyone anything because of that, I have the opportunity to be an ally for those who do not share my privilege.

I challenge you to figure out what you can do to be a better teammate in the world and work towards that. We can’t all make it if we don’t work as a team. Life ain’t fair, that ain’t your fault, but it ain’t worth the ugliness to pretend it’s every man for himself.

Look, maybe it isn’t important to you to be a good human. Maybe you don’t think helping others is a priority. That’s between you, yourself and your maker.

All I’m saying is, being on a team works for everyone. It’s the best way to leave people and this Earth a better place.

Sustainability is haunting my soul

UGH. I keep becoming more and more educated on sustainability in all aspects of life and it’s giving me the most anxiety. Humans are sincerely awful at being mindful of our environment. Myself included.

The more I learn about how to be kinder to the plants, animals, oceans and forests around me, the more I take responsibility for change.

Admittedly, it is not easy to cut out some of the luxuries in life that I so easily enjoy. So I’m sharing some really easy ways to be mindful of sustainability as you live your life.

Eat Sustainable

Ask the restaurants you are eating in if they source their foods sustain-ably. Choose to consume more vegetables than meats. When you do eat meat or fish - choose cuts and types that are sustainable. For example, calamari is sustainable but a lot of salmon is not. This article also gives some great tips. Limit your food waste by using up all parts of the food as much as possible.

Shop Sustainable

I wrote a piece earlier in the month on how to shop sustain-ably but the short list is to shop brands that are committed to recycled products and limiting their environmental footprint or choose second hand stores to give pieces a second life. Here is an awesome list of great sustainable brands!

Drink Sustainable

Carry a reusable water bottle everywhere. Seriously. The gym, work, the airport, road trips - everywhere. Don’t use plastic bottles ever. I have no shame when it comes to this. I carry reusable water bottles with me on every occasion.

Travel Sustainable

I drive to work so I suck at this. But I also walk as much as possible when it’s possible. I am also big on public transportation when I’m visiting other countries or cities. Use your car as little as possible.

There are SO many easy ways to live a little bit more sustainable and to help the environment have a fighting chance. Small changes are HUGE. They add up. You can make an impact. Here is another article on 15 ways to help the ecosystem; just to give you some extra inspo!

How are you changing the world for the better sequins?

Missed Opportunities

I am certain I have already met my husband. A few times.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soulmates. And I know that I have met at least two, maybe three men I could have married and had a perfectly wonderful life with. Sincerely. Not even an OK life with one, a really amazing life.

Yet timing is everything. And I’m not sure at those stages in my life, I would have been ready for that level of commitment.

And lately it has me wondering, just how many opportunities do you get in life to miss out on your happily ever after?

I don’t subscribe to what is meant to be is yours. I firmly believe we are active participants in our stories and timing can play a role, but you also have to be the lead character in order to secure your storybook ending.

I take full ownership for the fact that I was unable to make commitments to these men when they were presented to me as possible ever afters. Two of them are married, happily. And I root for them so much because they are good people. Their spouses are some of the best women. I actively cheer for them.

And yet at 33, I wonder, is my story going to be that I missed my opportunity for a leading man?

Growing up, I had the vision that I’d get married, have 2.5 children - do all the things we are taught to do. And yet, the older I get, the more I find that vision might not be what I really want.

I’m not willing to compromise. I don’t want to be the 50% statistic that ends in divorce. I don’t want to wait for a significant other when I could be out making my own adventure. I don’t think I want to ever be pregnant. I think about adopting.

I love the idea of doing life with a partner. But I also have started to think about life as my own partner.

The fact is I don’t like online dating. I don’t want to spend my time chasing men or waiting in places I think they’ll be at. I want to continue to grow, travel, smile, laugh, and make the most out of what time I have on this Earth. And if someone comes along and fits into that, I’m open to it.

Being 33 and single, it can feel hard. It can feel shameful. It’s a society that teaches you the end goal is to build a life together, check off all the boxes.

Some of us have different boxes we’d like to check off.

I’d like to encourage you to do what works for you. And only you.

We all miss opportunities. But I think we create new ones by choosing to see those original opportunities as cards we chose not to draw.

Anxious Activities

I like plans. I love lists. I like having active checklists and resources to rely on. I’ve been working hard lately to create go to things for me to do to help calm my anxiety. I wanted to share them because I know a lot of people out there who are anxious and struggle with how to cope!

Be Grateful

I bought a really cute notebook and a fun set of pens and every night before bed I write down three things I’m grateful for. Sometimes it’s super deep, and sometimes it’s simply that I am grateful for glitter. But it helps relax me before bed and get my mind in a happy place; which in turn helps me sleep.

Coloring

My mom bought me a weenie dog coloring book and some colored pencils and it sounds ridiculous but focusing on coloring helps distract me from whatever makes me anxious. It also keeps me off the socials when I’m sitting in front of the tv. I’m even thinking of taking it to work for a brief color break as needed.

Thank You

I bought a 48 pack of floral blank cards and once a week I write a thank you note to someone. It can be someone at work, a friend, anyone. But again, it takes me back to a thankful place and helps remind me how much I have to be thankful for. It calms my anxious thoughts and worries when I remind myself to be grateful.

Snuggle

Sometimes I pickup my dog and make him snuggle. It sounds weird but a quick 5 minute snuggle sesh makes my heart happy. Dogs love us so much and it’s hard to feel anything but love when you’ve got arms full of puppies!

What are you doing to stay calm and distract your anxious thoughts?