The Last Unicorn

A lot of men from my past have recently inserted themselves into my present. Initially I thought it was because of the fabulous woman I've grown into in my 30's. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's because I'm one of the last single unicorns.

They say men mature at a slower rate than women. They don't tend to want to settle down until their mid thirties. Because of that, I think when they hit that age, they start looking around at who's available. And when they do, they start to see the women they knew in the past in a different light.

Quite frankly, you can be the best catch in the world, but if a man isn't ready, it's not going to happen. I've always been a unicorn. Sure, I've had times that I needed to grow through in order to be a good partner, but I am and always have been, a great woman.

Now that the men folk are in their prime marriage phase, they're seeing the catch that I am too. And while that's flattering, a part of me resents the fact that they're just now realizing this.

I live in the camp that if you didn't see how wonderful I was before, I'm not sure you deserve the new and improved even better version that I've grown into.

But there is another camp - one that says I'm potentially missing out on a really great man because I'm too stubborn to issue a second chance.

I get that. And for some men, I think a second chance is okay. If a man has been someone important in my life as a friend and the timing has just been off, that's a man who deserves a chance.

But the man who had his chance before and simply wasn't mature enough, or didn't realize what he had, that's not the man for me. Old habits die hard. And that's not timing, that's who you are.

The one consistent is that no matter who reappears back in my life, in order to stay, you need to treat me as I deserve to be treated.

Something I've been working on in therapy is understanding that I deserve to be pursued. Because I'm a very confident woman who lacks shyness, I'm often the pursuer. I don't want to play games and I don't have the patience for the dance. So I'm usually the one to say let's try this out. But when that becomes a pattern and the man doesn't step up to initiate anything, I become bored and turned off very quickly.

So as these men come back into the picture, or look to turn a friendship into more, I'm looking to see how much effort they're willing to put into that. It's really easy to slip into the DM's or send a text. What else are you going to do to show me you mean what you're throwing into the universe?

And you know what I've found? I think a lot of these men are just hitting an age when they're looking for the last unicorn, but they might not be ready to put the effort in to catch her. I'm also learning, they might not have the guts to really put themselves out there. And some even throw their feelings out there at a time when they're not even romantically available to do so.

Certainly that's not the case for them all. I'm not of the team that thinks all men are bad. That all the good ones are taken or gay. I know a lot of really good men.

A lot of this goes back to dating in our generation. It's that swipe right, text not call, keep it convenient generation. The expectations for each other are low. The options, an app away. So I think a lot of the lazy dating world we live in happens out of habit. We haven't been forced to put the effort in.

But that doesn't mean you have to settle. Wait for the one who shows you that you're worth the phone calls, the big gestures, and the time it takes to invest into the real deal. Being a unicorn means you're special. You're a woman of worth. The more you believe that, the more you demand the people around you are of the same value, the more they'll treat you as such.

Being a unicorn is hard. Not everyone sees how special you are. Not everyone will be deserving of your light. Be okay with that. Be okay with being your own unicorn until the right one can match your sparkle.

Deflect the Reflect

I am a highly reflective individual. I am constantly looking at my past, present, and future and wondering if I made/make the right decision and where to go from here.

The thing is, sometimes you need to deflect the reflect and simply make a decision.

When you constantly spend time and energy to reflect on the past, you often miss out on the present and disrupt the magic of the future.

I'm incredibly type A. I plan everything. I am constantly researching and looking to make the most informed decision. I often think of choices and black and white, right and wrong.

In life, things are most often shades of grey. The lines are most often blurred. It's less about right and wrong and more defined by simply being different. So while you can make what you believe is the right decision, in all reality, it's really just a decision that leads to one possible outcome.

I'm not saying don't reflect on past choices or situations. I'm saying take them with a grain of salt. Do not let them define your present or prevent you from experiencing your best future.

When you reflect on your past, you often imagine it in a very different way than it actually happened. We tend to romanticize, form regret, or even judge ourselves too harshly because of current circumstances. We give the person who broke our heart too much leeway. We blame ourselves for bad things that happened. We regret something we said or did. Realistically, these things are a reflection of how we feel in our present situation.

Something I've been working on is understanding my present. Being really aware of who I am, how I feel, and the relationships I'm currently existing in. And then I'll look to what I want those things to look like moving forward.

Appreciate your past, learn from it, but understand that person and those situations no longer exist. In order to maximize growth and choose paths that best serve you, be present. Develop on the person you are now and who you want to be in the future. It's like having a vision board inside your mind that you're able to adjust based on what's happening in real time.

Deflect the constant need to reflect on your past. You're not going there. You won't be that person again. There's a reason you are who you are and where you are right now. If you want to move forward as the happiest version of you, you're going to have to deflect the reflect and accept the now.

Words are Ridiculous

Hear me out. I love words. As a writer, my heart pitter patters at the proper use of a really good word.

Words are powerful. They invoke feelings of great joy and devastating heartbreak.

But words are also ridiculous.

I've heard the word slut thrown around a lot lately. And I cringe every single time. Have we not moved past that yet? At the very least its unoriginal.

Slut is such a versatile word. I've heard it used to describe a woman's actions to the way she dresses. The only consistent is that it's meant to be derogatory.

It's 2018. 20-MF-18. Slut doesn't belong in our world. A woman's sex life is hers to choose and subject to not one ounce of judgment from anyone else. How little or how many partners she chooses are hers and hers alone to own.

How she dresses is not a representation of her sexual behavior. When we pretend as such, we walk a very dangerous line of "Well look at what she was wearing, she was asking for it." She wasn't. Not one time.

Women are often THE WORST at using this word, even in a playful way it's just stupid and you've got to stop. If we want the rest of the world to be held to a higher standard, we've got to start with ourselves.

There's a whole list of other words that bother me but today, I'm asking you to curb your use of the word slut.

Women deserve better.

Relationship Goals

I freaking hate the idea of relationship goals. You know what my relationship goals are? They're to love myself and have a healthy confident relationship with me, myself, and I. I'd also like to have strong, happy, reciprocal relationships with the people I love around me.

Social media is a highlight reel. It's like Sports Center Top 10 for couples. And I find the couples that aren't in the healthiest, happiest relationships, are the ones posting relationship goals style content the most often.

Relationships are not easy. They're not perfect. When I hear a couple talk about never fighting, I know that couple isn't in a healthy mature place. People fight. Being monogamous takes work. To never disagree, fight, or struggle in your partnership, that's just not realistic.

To that end, its certainly every person's right to post whatever they want on the socials. It's truly nobody's business what you choose to share with the world. Your relationship is yours to put in the world however you see fit.

But I'm a human being. And you're annoying AF when you're out here pretending your love life is rainbows and unicorns when I damn well know your shit is one argument at Taco Bell away from completely imploding. And it is my business if you're sharing those pieces with me but fronting for the rest of the world on Facebook.

In my 20's I shared alllllll of my relationships on social media. I was young and in love and proud of whatever moment I was in. But I'm an adult now. And I know, that for all the times my romantic life seemed like a fairy tale, it certainly wasn't. From the abusive boyfriend who other women gushed about as being a dreamboat, to the one with the drug problem who seemed like a hero, there were flaws. Again, mine to share as I saw fit. But what I've learned is that the healthiest relationships are the ones you rarely see on social media. You catch a photo, a cute tag, but there's not that incessant need to say "look at how happy we are."

The less time you spend posting about your relationship, the more time you spend actually being in the relationship. If you're truly happy and developing a strong partnership, you understand the importance of that existing in the privacy of your personal world.

And for the women (and men) who constantly feel like they're not measuring up to the relationship goals of celebrities and their own friends - remember, what you see on social media, that's a show. It's carefully crafted, controlled content chosen because of the feeling it gives the person posting it. Whether that be genuine joy or compensation for something that's not measuring up, don't buy into the very small picture you see.

Relationship goals are a hashtag, and we all know those don't stay relevant long.

It's Not that Bad.

We've become a nation that settles for not that bad. Whenever a new policy, candidate, SCOTUS appointment, BS thing our President has said comes out - it's an immediate cringe, and then "Well, its not the end of the world."

Sure, the world won't end with any of these things, but do we really want to be a country of "I guess it's not that bad?"

I love America. We've got a lot of growing to do. The current administration has caused us a lot of setbacks, but its also opened our eyes to things a lot of people weren't aware were still a problem.

I'm sick of being told I'm overreacting and being asked "is it really that bad?" when it comes to the state of our government right now. Because yes, if we have to set the bar at "the world won't end," then we've definitely gone too far.

It's a privilege to serve in any role in our government. And a role most are voted into by Americans. That should be taken seriously. When we elect these people into office, they should be held to a higher standard because they're in control of a world that effects millions of Americans.

When you think about the lengths people go through to become Americans citizens, the risks they take to bring their families into our country, how lucky we are to have a lot of the rights and privileges we do here, it should give you pause in how seriously you take the honor of being involved in the governing of it.

America is a powerhouse. We are the most powerful country in the world. The entire world. A good majority of what we do, causes a ripple effect for the rest of the world. That's quite the responsibility to take on. Knowing that, I also think that gives us extra motivation to do this right.

We need leadership that brings respect, authority, intelligence, empathy, and pride to the office. From the local Mayor to the President of the United States, if you're mediocre, you've got to go. If you bring disrespect to the office, if the world laughs at us because of who is leading us, we've got a worldwide crisis.

As you go into the world and raise the future, or even just existing on your own, be better. Educate yourself, be involved, and vote. Make sure that you're holding yourself and the people in office accountable. And don't for once second ever allow yourself, or anyone else in our government to get to a place of "well, it's not that bad."

It is that bad. The greatest nation in the world wasn't built to be mediocre. Be better.

Homework Assignments

My therapist recently gave me two worksheets. They are my homework assignments. Both challenge me to think critically about feelings, relationships, and how to improve upon both.

I love worksheets. Anything that gives me a set of defined tasks, a checklist, and boxes to fill in my answers gives my heart a flutter.

The first worksheet is going to be my homework assignment to you all today.

Here's your task:

I'm going to give you 5 categories and you need to:

1. Identify what you're doing well in this area

2. Where you need to improve and

3. What are your goals for the relationship?

Categories:

Family, Career, Physical Health, Mental Health, and Friends

My example is going to be Mental Health.

1. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist to acknowledge my areas of weakness, come up with medical support, and talk therapy for giving me the tools to manage anxiety.

2. I allow my anxiety to control a large piece of my life both personally and professionally. I also still have a problem trusting, opening up, and relying on others.

3. My goal is to get to a place that I feel confident in being able to manage my anxiety daily as well as learn to process and express emotions in a healthy way.

Now go do your homework. Report back what you find and if this exercise helped you as much as its starting to help me. Sometimes writing down things like this help us to better process and understand the reality of them so that we know how to best manage and create a better life for ourselves.

Women Supporting Women

I'm a huge fan of humans supporting each other in general, but today I'd like to talk about some women out there hustling for the dream. I'm constantly inspired by women who are able to take their passions and turn them into a business. From blogging to designing, their talents are endless and their drive a fire that's hard to match. Check out some women I know and some I don't (but fan girl over anyways).

Brains Over Blonde (Blogger)

One of my babe squad members sent me to Anna's IG and from there I started reading her blog. Anna is fiercely female and refuses to compromise her femininity or her status as a boss. She's insanely honest, transparent, and relatable.

Castlefield Design (Luxury Branding)

I went to college with Sophie. She's this super educated, aware, and involved (and gorgeous to boot) woman who also happens to be a talented designer. From stationary to clothing to packaging and logos, she does it all. What's better than a custom design that's fresh for your business/event/style?

Lisa Bone Designs (Artist)

Lisa has been a close family friend since as long as I can remember. She's a very talented ceramic artist who sells and shows in galleries in Northern California. She is the one who helped get my mom to discover her passion for making pottery and she's just an incredible human.

Miranda Baugh (Photographer) 

I met Miranda through friends and instantly fell in love with this freaking dope woman. She is now a budding photographer who often utilizes her ridiculously adorable (and sassy) daughter as a subject. Her photos focus on the spirit of people and their life experiences. If you're in AZ, check her out for a shoot. She's also dabbling with blogging and I can't wait to keep reading.

Lesley Murphy (Travel Blogger)

I came across Lesley on IG. She basically dropped everything and decided to travel the world for I believe close to three years. She now has a home base in LA for the first time in years. Her IG is envious with its stunning adventure photos and her posts are insightful. She highlights giving back and something I heavily relate to - she got a double mastectomy to prevent breast cancer after testing positive for the BRCA gene. I love that she's real, seems to have a heart of gold, and she's living my dream life of experiencing all the world has to offer.

Raised By Wolves (Kid's Wear)

My cousin is a total craft genius. She can upcycle, reuse, and repurpose anything to make it DIY gold. She started Raised By Wolves to provide quality, eco friendly clothing and goods for kids and that same craft genius carries through this shop. She's boho meets world traveler meets amazing mama to the sweetest bear cub. Her shop features everything from clothing to books to toys to housewares. And she's big on keeping it local, ethical, yet always fabulous.

Ladies - who are your favorite female business owners or simply just women who inspire you and you crush on for how freaking awesome they are?

The Story.

Most everyone has people in their life that are the bad part of their story. A boss who is a jerk. An old partner who cheated. An abusive family member. A friend who broke our trust. But do you ever stop to think...

We are all the bad in someone else's story.

I certainly haven't and I'd like to think I'm a pretty conscientious human being.

Realistically it's true. There are people out in the universe who still pine for you, harbor anger for you, or resent you for a perceived wrong.

We are all someone's biggest regret, sworn enemy, or worst boss.

I'm not entirely sure what the motivation behind whomever said this quote was but for me it's about perspective. It's about reminding myself every situation in life has two people with two different perspectives on what transpired.

Reminding myself that perspective plays such a large role in every encounter, I am moved to be a little bit more compassionate and a little bit more in control of negative outbursts.

Being the bad part of someone else's story also reminds me that I have control over what controls me. There are people who the mere mention of their name gives me anxiety or heartache or anger. And that's on me. Just like for these people that hold the same emotions for me, the responsibility is on them to determine how long they want to allow those feels to control their lives.

We are all intertwined. Connected in ways we may not truly understand. The more you strive to be a better human, a responsible human (for yourself), and an aware human, the better juju we all have in each other's stories.

At the end of the day, you don't get to write the book for someone else. The character you play might not be one you'd like to portray, but its not yours to write. Good or bad, do your best to understand its not always yours to write.

Shame Shame

Society places a lot of stigma around a lot of things. We are made to feel shame and embarrassment around so many things that we go through.

The thing is, if you take the time to talk to people about a lot of the supposedly shameful things you go through, you'll find that they've experienced them too.

So why do we continue to feel embarrassed? Why do we continue to judge others for the same things we often experience?

It's bullshit. And it needs to stop. The only way in which we are going to get it to stop is to confront it, be open about it, and refuse to apologize for it.

Confront

In order to be accepting of others, you must first become accepting of yourself. Cut yourself a break. When you get in a negative head space, stop yourself. Redirect your thoughts. I put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to my career. I'm type A, high achieving and with that comes unreasonable expectations. I've absolutely been fired. I've spent time unemployed. For me, that's always felt embarrassing to say out loud. It's saying I'm a failure and a loser. Realistically, a lot of us have been fired, laid off, and spent time unemployed. That does not make you a failure and certainly not a loser. Every career journey is different, and for the most part, we can look back on those moments and realize they brought us to the success we have today. Quite frankly, I push boundaries, and some companies don't value that, they're not the right fit for me. I realize that being laid off isn't my fault. I know that being fired was simply a difference in personality. Being unemployed forced me to wait for the right fit. And you know what? Today I'm thriving.

Be Open

Talk about the situations that make you feel shame. When you open up to the people in your circle, you're bound to find others that feel the same shame from the same situation. And when you can find others who relate, you can help feel peace with what you're experiencing. You're also able to understand you're not alone. And better yet, you're able to come up with ways to cope. Feeling embarrassed because you're 30 and single? Talk to your friends who are in the same boat. Realistically, they have probably felt a little self conscious too. Explore why you feel that way. Is it because society tells you its wrong? I'm very happy where I'm at in my dating life, and I'm single. But there are moments where I get that "what's wrong with you, you're 32 and single" feeling. When I talk to my tribe about it, I start to realize the only reason I feel that way is because everyone around me is not single. And the more I talk about that, the more I realize other people get the same insecurity yet are also happy with their lives. The more we talk about these fears with other people, the more that movement spreads and we realize the stigma is society, it's not real.

Don't Apologize

Stop qualifying yourself. Don't say I'm single because, I'm unemployed because, etc. Make a statement and leave it at that. Not only do you not owe anyone an explanation, you're furthering the idea that what you're doing is wrong when you qualify the statement. I'm 32 and I don't own a house. So what? I don't need to explain that to anyone. I'm living my life on my timeline. I don't have kids. I'm not married. End of story. When you have to tell people you're living your life the way you are and then explain why, you're giving power to the shameful stigmas that society has created for you. Stop. The freedom that comes with not having to explain yourself to anyone but yourself is the best feeling in the world. It's given me more confidence than I ever thought possible.

Stigmas follow us everywhere. Society has created rules and plans that we are all supposed to follow in order to do what is expected and approved of in the world. The thing is, they're only perpetuated because we continue to give them weight. But when you stop the stigma and create your own rules, you become the most powerful person in the world.

Destination Addiction

The first time I ever moved away from home was at 26. Up until that point I never lived farther than an hour flight from where I was born and raised. When I made that move, it was to grow. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone. But soon after, I moved again. And again.

It wasn't until recently that I heard of the idea of destination addiction.

Destination Addiction is a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner.

Every time I was unhappy in my current situation, I left. And while I was searching for that next city or job (or quite frankly running from the current relationship), I was missing out on what was in front of me.

Truth is, happiness can be created any time. It's about your attitude and your effort. You're always going to want for more. A better job, better partner, better home - that's a constant. Very rarely do all the stars align for perfect. And when it does, it's very brief. But when you choose to focus on the joy, to put the negative in a box at the side, you allow for happiness in the present.

I think back to times I was unhappy and how I let it consume me. My only focus was to get out. Get to the next destination. And while I won't downplay the times I was truly miserable, if I had refused to allow those parts to take over my entire world, I would have made room for a lot of happiness.

I missed out on events, developing friendships, and new adventures because all I could see was what could be next. You don't get a redo on what you miss out on. I don't get to go back and attend the birthday party. I don't get a second chance with everyone I no longer have relationships with.

Having a longing for more, for better is okay. Allowing those feelings to become all consuming, are not. Being able to understand that happiness is not the next job, relationship, or destination is one of the most critical life skills you could ever learn.

Happiness is possible whenever, wherever, with whomever as long as you're open to it.

It's up to you - do you want to live 75 years chasing the next best thing or do you want to get up everyday and truly live?