A Woman's Burden

Being a woman is a lot of seeing and experiencing things that range from mildly uncomfortable to wildly inappropriate and then the internal struggle of how to handle that.  And then dealing with the repercussions of those actions.  

I've certainly experienced my fair share of the more serious side of these interactions.  Some of them, I've spoken up about and fought back against.  Some, I have dealt with privately, without holding anyone accountable.

Innately - I am someone who speaks up.  And that's a really weird burden to carry.  

The older and more confident I get.  The more injustices, no matter how small or large, that I see and face, the more I am emboldened to say no, it's not okay.  

Recently, I was faced with a situation at work in which a senior employee presented a highly inappropriate piece to the team in a meeting.  The shocked, offended, and awkwardness in the room was palpable.  Afterwards, most of us expressed our discomfort to each other in person or via text.  In the days that followed, I couldn't get the experience out of my mind.

I spoke up to a senior employee and expressed my concerns and that I'd like the situation to be brought to HR.  While I'm not going to dive into the details of what happened from here, I will talk about my feelings from the experience - because that's the important piece to focus on.  

Throughout this time I questioned myself - was I overreacting?  I felt anxiety over the repercussions to me for speaking up.  I felt guilt for the repercussions to the employee who acted inappropriately.  I felt like I was just another woman who couldn't take a joke.  I had doubt in the process.  I had frustrations for being made to feel like I shouldn't report the incident.  I felt angry the senior person didn't report this on their own.  

I think it's quite common for both men and women to laugh off these situations.  I think for women especially, we are made to feel like it's our fault.  Whether we were dressing a certain way, working in a "boys club" style industry, we were drunk, we made a joke, we didn't say anything at the time.  Instead of saying I am so sorry you felt that way, I am so sorry you experienced this, it's not OK - we say prove it.  We ask women if they're overreacting, if they're being sensitive, even spiteful.  

While I encourage every woman to handle these incidents however you feel most comfortable, I do challenge you to speak up. It's exhausting, terrifying, and it comes with conflict.  But if you expect to change this culture for your future daughters, sisters, friends, and really just women in general - you have to take on some of the responsibility to fight back.   

I'm not saying make a federal case out of every situation.  I'm simply saying pay attention.  When you see something, say something.  Be brave enough to say what you did was not OK, it made me uncomfortable.  And if it is serious enough, report it.  

Being a woman carries its burdens.  Being a really loud woman is my burden to carry.  I'm called a troublemaker, a bitch, a feminist (in the most negative of connotations) - I've been told that I'm too loud, too bossy, too sensitive.  The things is, I've been in a male dominated industry for most of my life.  I can hang with the best of them.  But there's a difference between funny and disrespectful.  Joke with me, poke fun at me, I can take it.  Degrade me, disrespect me, and you'll get shut down.  

Decide if the burden of speaking up is harder to carry or if the burden of staying silent is something you can take.  For me, speaking up is worth whatever comes at me because staying silent is a greater shame to bear.

Follow Through

It's been a few months since I shared with you the art of the cutoff.  I was definitely due for an update.  

To sum everything up: I'm a MF rock star.  

How?  Because I've mastered the art of the follow through.  

That's right friends.  I set in place a hard cutoff for a few people in my life - both romantic and platonic - and I've stuck to that. 

I know, I think I'm a superhero too.  

Here's how I did it.  You ready?  I stay busy, I stay active, and I rely on my circle.

How has my life changed?  My confidence has gone sky high, my decision making more efficient, and the value I place on myself cannot be compromised.  I'd always heard the good ole "the people who deserve to be in your life will prove it" and quite honestly, I thought it was shit.  Turns out, it's the highest level of real there ever was.  

Time is not infinite.  There are always a billion things to do.  But you are in control of how you spend your time.  When you value others, you make time for them.  You treat them better.  It's all connected.

Do I have difficult days?  I do.  I miss people.  I'm naturally a nostalgic person.  But at the end of the day - if those people valued me the way I valued them, they wouldn't allow themselves to be an option.  Friendships and romances are complicated as all hell, but if people aren't treating you right or willing to let you go - they become very very easy.

Commit to the hard cutoff.  It's not easy.  It's some black ops training style voo doo - but it also gives you a whole new perspective on the people who do show you how important you are to their world.  Get rid of the dead weight.  Make room and make time for the really real ones.

Full Transparency

Emotional support animals have been in the news a lot lately.  From peacocks to puppies - everyone seems to have some kind of ESA - myself included.  

A lot of people have ESA's to be able to fly with their dog for free, avoid pet rent and deposits, and to be able to make it easier to take your pet with you anywhere you please.  And for those of us who aren't simply trying to save money - Id like to send a resounding FU to the fakes.

I have anxiety.  For the most part a lot of my issues are when I don't have control in a situation.  That comes from having been through traumas in which I had absolutely no control.  One of the biggest areas my anxiety presents itself is when I fly.  

Thankfully, the more and more I fly, the more at ease I get about it - but I still get sweaty, anxious, heart racing fear every time I board a flight.  I adopted my little boy Nashville almost 3 years ago.  I had never intended to make him an ESA but a therapist suggested I look into it.

Now full transparency, ESAs don't have as many rights as service dogs, and I think that makes sense.  I do hope one day we can allow for ESA's to be at the level of service dogs for mental health.  For now, I hope that we will take the process more seriously than we do now.  

Back to me.  I eventually was able to get a note from my psychiatrist to have Nash fly with me and live with me free of charge.  On the airplane, he is able to sit in my lap.  For the most part, he sleeps.  He has no real skill except he provides something for me to pet and cuddle, which in turn relaxes me.  

Here's the thing - could I fly without my dog?  Yes.  Do I need him to survive my everyday life?  I don't.  But he does greatly ease some of the symptoms of my often severe anxiety.  And that makes my quality of life better.  And I deserve that.  

Seeing people simply get a note from a doctor to make their pet an ESA because they're avoiding paying a fee - that makes me angry.   It makes it harder for my situation to be taken seriously.  It makes it harder for someone who is worse off than myself to be taken seriously.  And it's bullshit.

Full transparency - you're an asshole if this is you and I absolutely believe that this should carry legal repercussions.   Full transparency, mental illness - in its many forms - in people who truly suffer from it - is crippling.  People who truly suffer from it, we don't think it's a cool trend.  We don't think it's a fun label to carry.  Most often, we don't even want to talk about it. We don't want to stand out because of it.

You wouldn't park in a handicap spot if you're not handicap would you?  Don't get yourself a cute puppy you want to travel with if you can't afford to pay the cost.  Mental health is a very serious issue that creates a lot of the problems in our world.  For those of us working hard every second of every day to just "be normal," all we want is to exist with as little attention as possible.  Don't make it harder because you'd like to make your life easier.

Full transparency, be a better person.

Faith in Humanity

I don't know about you, but I'm still exhausted from the state of politics, the POS excuse of a leader our country has, and the state of violence, racism, and hatred in society.  Every day I log onto social media or read the news, I feel a bit depressed, angry, and defeated.  I don't want to ignore the work that needs to be done in the world because we have a long way to go, but I do want to take a moment to highlight some of the good in the world lately.

It is my hope you will read these stories and be inspired to keep fighting for what's right, spreading kindness, and building strength to keep speaking up against injustice.

Waffle House Hero

Black Men Arrested at Starbucks

Ryan Shazier

There are so many stories of inspiration lately.  From the students standing up against gun violence to the teachers who are fighting for the wages they deserve, there's a lot to feel empowered by.  Start small if you have to, but stay strong and keep looking for the good - it will inspire you to do more and believe that you can achieve big things if you just have the courage to try.

European Lady of Leisure

This post is for me.  I'm going to Europe shortly for two weeks with one of my childhood best babes and I want to know where to go, what to see, what to do, what to eat/drink!  

Here's the route:

Paris, Monaco/Monte Carlo, Nice, Naples, Almafi Coast, Capri, Rome

Now let me tell you about my travel style:

• Low Key: I'm packing a carry on and that's it!  
• Foodie (And Wino): I love to eat and I love me some good wines.  But I'm a simple gal.  I don't need 5-star dining.  I want to eat and drink local and really prefer the places that have history.
• Adventurer: I love to be outdoors and adventure.  I want to hike and wine taste, enjoy the beach - everything! 
• Culture Seeker: I love to learn about the culture and people wherever I go.  I'm not a fancy resort stay on the tour type of girl.  

Alright my sequins, give me your best advice on what to do and not do and what's worth the money versus what's not!

This is my first big adult adventure into Europe so I'm looking forward to the journey and culture it's going to provide.

And may I say, if you ever get the opportunity to travel with your best friend(s) to a new place - take it.  Sure, Cabo and Vegas are lovely, but we are grown now.  Get out and explore the world and learn about places that you know nothing about.  Being cultured is how we learn to appreciate and value each other a whole lot more.  Save your money and spend in on the experiences that shape you.

Career Corner: Personal Training

In every career you should exhibit a bit of personal training (AKA always be learning).  Not every company mandates that you participate in consistent career training and not every company even has resources available for you to take advantage of.  However, this doesn't mean you just stop learning, growing, and staying current.  The moment you stop your personal training is the moment you start becoming irrelevant.

Research

Most of our industries are constantly evolving.  There are new procedures, data, new players - a wealth of "new" to keep up with.  It's on you to stay up to date on what's happening in your world and be able to incorporate it into your everyday skill set and knowledge.  How?

• Subscribe to a journal relevant to what you do
• Google: seriously, google your industry and read what pops up in the news
• Check out which companies are winning awards and look at what they're doing

Network

Continue to grow and expand your network within and outside of your industry.  Talk to your clients and colleagues and get their input.  Engage with your circle by asking for feedback as well as to ask what they're doing to stay current.  

Attend a Conference/Training

Many companies will pay for part or all of your attendance at a conference relevant to your career.  Create a presentation and show your supervisor why you want to attendance a conference/training and provide clear cost implications.  Offer to provide a recap to share with the team when you return.  Make your experience something that benefits the company as a whole.  If your company doesn't support this kind of training, invest in it on your own and then get a new job with a company that does value continued education.

Take Advantage of What your Company Does Offer

Even if it's just online training, take advantage of what is free and available at your company.  Even if it's not industry relevant and just career focused (i.e. management skills, writing, etc.) make sure you're taking as much training as you can.  Attend in person workshops and brainstorm sessions wherever possible as well.  

Constant growth and training requires a lot of effort on your part.  It's above and beyond the normal everyday grind but it's absolutely critical to maintaining relevance and skills to make you the best employee and candidate in the game!

Get out there and grow sequins! 

Mental Health May

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and in its honor - I'm going to share with you how I manage my mental health and create a strong basis for stability in my world.  

PHYSICAL HEALTH

My mood is often dependent upon my physical health.  I have a weak immune system and have to work extra hard to keep my health in a good place.  I also see a high correlation between managing my stress and whether or not I'm taking time to be physically active.  I think what scares a lot of people in the physically healthy world is that they assume physical health = appearance and fitness levels.  That's false.  Being physically active can simply mean getting outside.  Going on a walk.  It doesn't have to mean competing in body building or running a marathon.  Take time to find out what form of fitness feels right to you and do that.  Additionally, get sleep.  Eat right.  Physical health is more than fitness - it's supplying your body with the nutrition and REM cycles  to stay powerful.  

RELATIONSHIPS

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about who you are.  From your family to your closest friends to the community in which you live - spend the majority of your time with people who do not drain you.  In life we will always have to spend time around those who steal our joy, but if you can limit that time, you'll be doing yourself a long term favor.  Constantly evaluate your relationships - not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever.  Edit ruthlessly in order to maintain only positive uplifting relationships.

MEDICAL CARE

Not everyone needs medication to manage their mental health.  I do.  I meet with a psychiatrist every couple months to check in and make sure that my medications are professionally managed and I am practicing safe medical solutions to managing my mental health.  I also see a psychologist about once a week (depending on my travel schedule).  I realize that right now, I need medical care to assist in keeping me at my best. I know not everyone believes in medical intervention for mental health, a nd that's ok - that's why each journey is different.

WORK

We spend most of our lives in the workplace.  Unless you're married rich, been born wealthy, or won the lottery, you're probably working 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week for like 30 years!  And if you're like me, you put a lot of your heart into your career.  When I'm unhappy in my career, it greatly affects my ability to maintain good mental health.  Do everything you can to work somewhere you're happy.  And if you're not happy, change your attitude or change your situation.

PASSIONS

I thrive on my passion projects.  If I don't make time for what I love to do (writing, reading, creating), I'm miserable.  Whether it's an hour a day or sometimes only an hour a week, make time for your passions.  Really take the time to learn what your passions are and develop those.  They fuel your energy and make your happy muscles flex!

As always, my journey with mental health is extremely personal.  Yours may look entirely different.  Consult a professional to make sure you're on the best path for you!  And never be ashamed to ask for help my sequins! 

Cake Cake Cake

More and more lately I've heard women in my Pilates classes talkin about their workouts affording them the luxury of food.  They talk about earning a meal because they completed a workout.  

I've not always had the best relationship with food.  I've binged, deprived, limited, followed trendy diets - I've done it all.  But what I know now is that food is fuel.  Food is not meant to be earned.  It's not meant to be feared.  Food should not control you.

It is my hope that we stop teaching women they have to live and die by calories and carbs and that they must complete some grueling workout in order to enjoy a meal.  Fitness and food are to be enjoyed.

If you're raising a little boss babe, teach her to love her body and the things it needs to maintain a healthy happy status quo.  Teach her it's ok to eat the donut without running 5 miles to makeup for it.  Don't shame her for eating too much - teach her that eating the foods nature provides us are meant to be enjoyed until you're full!  

My relationship with food, fitness, and my body continues to change.  Thankfully, for the most part, it's healthy.  I eat a lot.  I workout a lot.  But I don't limit myself.  I don't force myself to workout as punishment.  I eat carbs.  I truly look forward to my Pilates and spin classes.  I get outside and I walk.  I cook with fresh ingredients.  Sometimes I eat donut(s).  

I've changed the narrative for myself.  I took back control.  Only I determine what role food plays in my world.  

Fake it Til You Make it: A Guide

Ladies and Gentleman, life is a grind.  It's a lot of am I doing this right?  How did that happen?  I thought I paid that bill?  What do you mean I'm late?  I need new tires?  And then sometimes it's how did I get so lucky?  I can't believe my dreams are coming true!  This is the best day ever!  

The point - it's ups and it's downs and it's a lot of nobody knows what they're doing anways.  But the ones who I know are going to be okay, they're the ones who fake it til they make it.  I'm talking the people you meet who seem to just have it together.  They're always on.  They never appear flustered.  We all know them.  We wish we were them.

So how do you fake it until you make it?  

Believe in Yourself

The first and most important rule of faking it til you make it is to actually believe in yourself.  You can't expect anyone else to buy into you if you're not confident in your product.  But what if you're just not there yet?  Before you can fake it, you've got to work on creating some level of confidence in yourself - even if you've got to trick yourself!  Start by giving yourself pep talks.  Write down things that you love about yourself.  Put yourself in situations where you know you shine.  Rinse and repeat. 

Know Who You Are

Are you the funny guy?  The tech nerd?  The one who always has random facts?  Ientify who you are - and be authentic to who that is.  Im definitely the goofball.  But I'm also really loyal, passionate, and probably too extra.  It's who I am.  I could never try to be the quiet bookish type.  It wouldn't be believable.  Know who you are, commit to that, and show people why they should care.

Stay Woke

Stay current on a wide breadth of topics.  Read the news.  Scan social media.  Subscribe to things.  Just be aware.  In order to appear put together, you need to be able to engage with people on a myriad of topics and sound informed.  The more diverse your knowledge, the more opportunities you will have to meet people and expand your network.  

Work Hard

If you expect to eventually make it, and stay there - you've got to work hard.  Even the people who accidentally succeed, they don't stay successful unless they work at it.  Even when you're faking it, work.  Never stop working towards your dream.  

Being successful has everything to do with confidence.  Everyone who ever made it had to fake it at some point.  You arent a failure because you're not there yet - you're a failure if you don't try. 

Live Simple

The older I get (and better looking), the more I realize the most important things in my life are in fact not things.  I know I've talked about living simply before, but now I'm actually truthfully living it.  For me, that probably still looks different than what most people think of when they live simple.  Realistically, I'm not going to forsake all of my belongings, only keep 5 pieces of clothing and keep a sparse apartment.  It's just not me.  So let's call this living simple(ish).  

In fact, let's call this living simple for the modern sequin.  What's a modern sequin you ask?  It's someone who shines (obviously), values travel and experiences over things but still wants to look fly, eat well, and enjoy a comfortable home.  You're willing to downsize and give up some "stuff" but you're not willing to move into a tiny home and wear the same jeans and t shirt each day.  Now that we are on the same page, let's chat through why and then how.

WHY

Our generation (I refuse to call myself a millennial) has more debt, bills, and overall less financial security than ever before.  Quiet down depression era, that was a really different time and context.  The point is it isn't taking much to put us in a financial bind.  We are also the generation that values social justice, political reform, relationships, the environment, and travel more than anything in our lives.  Excess just isn't a priority to most of the people I know if my age group.  We are more mindful of our world footprint and truly think about how we are going to impact the Earth for the next generation.  So why?  Because we care about a lot more than a Gucci belt and 10,000 square foot home.  

For me personally, I really want to travel the world.  I do a ton of traveling for work but I don't get to travel a lot for pleasure.  I am fascinated by culture, architecture and of course food!  I was tired of not being able to afford to take trips across the world because I shopped too much.  It took me years of spending my money on things to realize how unhappy I was surrounded by all this stuff instead of taking the trip to Europe.

HOW

There are a lot of ways to start small and build into a movement.  I made some super small changes in my life and the more I got comfortable with those, the more I would add in larger challenges to save and live more simply.  And finally - I am now going to Europe for two weeks and I haven't had to put a single cent on a CC.  I'm able to travel for two weeks very comfortably completely paid for prior to leaving.  If you would have asked me if I thought I could do that two years ago, I would have laughed.  So what changes have I made and can you achieve them?

PRIORITIZE

I made the decision that travel was my priority.  So before I make any purchase, no matter how small, I ask myself - is this a need or a want?  And if it's a want, is it going to set me up long term for my goals?  No decision is too small.  Wherever I can save $5, $10, it adds up to a couple hundred dollars each month. Here are a few examples:

Grocery Shopping: I make a meal plan each week and then a grocery list.  I stick to this list instead of walking around and picking anything that looks good.  I've found this saves me a good $20-$40 each grocery trip.  It also saves me from wasting food I don't utilize, which is awesome for the environment.

Clothes/Shoes Shopping: This was my biggest guilty pleasure for the longest time.  I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I don't even wear.  I love a good deal but spent too much on items that aren't good quality, are too trendy, or that don't fit properly.  Now, I invest in pieces that are the opposite.  I spend a little more for really high quality, properly fitting items that last a long time.  I make less purchases and wear them more.  I've also gone through and done a purge of my closet and donated to a local women's shelter to give back.

Eating Out - I noticed between coffee, lunches, and eating out on weekends, I was spending a good $200+ a month.  So I cut back.  I gave myself lunch out 2x a week, weekend meals out to 1x, and then I bought coffee 2x a week.  Sounds like a lot but now I'm down to eating out a total of maybe 2-3x a month total and I stopped buying coffee almost entirely.  This can be a huge lifestyle change for a lot of people  But this really changed my bank account and honestly my health.  I've slimmed down and I feel healthier.  

UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU CANT COMPROMISE

For me, fitness is not somewhere I'm willing to cut my budget.  I spend about $135 a month to be in a Class Pass like program (It's Studio Hop here in Texas, TRY IT!).  At no point am I willing to cut this out.  This isn't how I'll simplify.  I wouldn't be as happy or healthy because fitness is my escape.  You can't cut out things that you know make you happy.  There's always 1 or 2 things that are a nonnegotiable and it's OK to have those, just be reasonable.  You can't keep you designer shoe addiction and your need to eat out every meal.  

REFLECT AND REASSES

You've got to be diligent about checking in with your progress.  If you're not making any, explore why and make a change.  If the change is small and you just started, take that as an encouraging sign.  Check in with how you're feeling and progressing and see where you may be able to cut back more, less if it's not making you happy, and what other changes you can make to reach your goals.  It's an ever changing journey!

So what are some super specific ways to save funds for a modern sequin?  I'll share with you some of my favorites!

• Re purpose frames from a thrift store and print out your favorite photos as art in your home instead of spending $50++ on artwork.  I decorate my home with photos and it brings me much more joy than art that doesn't relate to me.
• Shop at a vintage or thrift store.  I've purchased some incredible pieces such as a Chanel sweater for $50 at thrift stores and vintage shops.  But go to the good ones, do your research.  Stop shopping at LA "vintage shops" that are really just crappy t shirts for $75
• Host a dinner party and ask everyone to contribute.  It's fun to create an adult pot luck and you can still do the majority of the work by providing the main dish and wine.  Ask everyone else to bring a small side or dessert.  It will be significantly less than eating out as a group.
• Attend free activities in your city.  Some of these are super stupid and not worth attending.  But some are awesome if you look around.  In Dallas we have some really great free concerts, festivals, and even fitness classes.  When I lived in LA you could plan an entire weekend around free things to do that are freaking awesome.
• Get outside.  I love being outside.  Hiking, walking, picnics, whatever it is, I want to be outside.  Call friends and go do these things.  It's free, healthy, and fun!
• Make coffee at home.  I tested a ton of coffee brands and blends and found a few that I absolutely love.  Instead of spending $5-$6 on a latte every morning, I invested in good coffee, delicious creamer, and I make it at home.  Just as yummy, and less calories and sugars! 
• Game Night.  Fine, this might be lame.  But I freaking love game night.  Drink at home, play games with friends.  Save $100 by not going to the bars and paying for 3AM Taco Bell and Lyfts. 
• DIY.  I'm a huge DIY fan.  I'm one of the busiest babes out there and I still find time for the small DIY projects instead of spending ridiculous amounts of money for someone else to do these things for me.  Go to a thrift store, buy a solid oak coffee table and repaint it.  Find some cool art and repaint the frame.  Buy those porcelain statues and spray paint them metallic.  There are so many gems! 

What are you doing to live simple?  Give me your best tips and tricks!