Loud Mouth

I'm not one of those people who can stay quiet.  I don't mind my own business.  When I see injustices - whether it pertains to me or not - I speak up.  This has definitely gotten me in trouble a number of times.  It's made my journeys in life, in relationships, and at work - often harder than they have to be.  

I'm not really sure if it's a good or bad trait to have.  Sometimes, it's utterly exhausting.  I have spent many hours wishing I could be different.  At the end of the day - good or bad - I was born with an inherent need to speak up.

Quite honestly - I don't know many people who feel the way I feel about speaking up.  Sure, we are in a time of social and political activism and I have a lot of friends who thankfully feel the need to stand against those injustices.  But in the everyday world, I don't know a lot of people who say back off to the bullies, who tell their bosses when things aren't right, who say this is small but it's not right and I don't want to put up with it.

Realistically, life would be a lot easier if I let the little things go.  Certainly my life would be a little bit smoother if I was able to sit back and shut up.  I wholeheartedly wish I could.  Maybe some day I'll grow and mature and that's where it stems from.  And yet, another part of me feels a bit of pride fighting for the little things so that one day, maybe they'll stop the big things.  

Do any of you know disruptive people in your life?  What do you think about the incessant need to speak up?  

Get in your head.

I subscribe to the philosophy that distraction is everything.  As much as I possibly can, I tend to stay out of my own head.  But what that's taught me is that the more I stay out of my own head, the less I understand what's going on in my heart.  So my new motto?  Get in my head.

In order to get in my heart, I've got to get in my head.  Instead of avoiding what's going on and keeping everything together, I've got to commit myself to spending time with myself.

For as long as I can remember, I've been type A - an athlete.  That means keeping everything together and putting up a strong front has been all I've known.  I have always been able to easily compartmentalize issues and continue on with a normal life.  Most people believe my life has just been idyllic, without hard times.  And while I don't care much for how others see me, I do care that I'm able to so easily set aside horrible emotions and issues and pretend they aren't there.  I have learned this doesn't create the healthiest happiest me and it's time to stop.

So how do you get in your head and what's the point?  You get in your head by forcing yourself to connect with what's happening in your mind and how that makes you feel in your heart.  The point is so to become emotionally intelligent and in return, live your best life.

But how do you specifically get in your own head?  You stop avoiding it.  You do things that force you to live in that space.  Keep a journal.  Talk to your friends/family.  Listen to music.  Workout.  Do whatever activity it is that connects you to your headspace.  And record how that makes you feel.  

For example: My aunt recently passed away.  It happened during a time when I was my busiest at work, having some personal life struggles, and was just plain exhausted.  So I ignored how her passing made me feel.  I kept it together and pushed that all aside.  Now that I'm able to slow down a bit - I've spent time listening to how her passing makes me feel.  And it's a lot of things.  I had been suppressing sadness, fear, anger, love - so many things.  Now that I'm recognizing these emotions, I'm dealing with them in a healthy way.  Which will in turn better equip me to manage these feelings in the future.

Getting in your head is about making time to face your thoughts and how they make you feel.  For me, that's a good workout, writing down words in a planner that describe how I'm feeling and then figuring out how you can utilize everything to be more successful each day.  The more emotionally intelligent you can be, the more successful your relationships with yourself, family, friends - even partners will be.  Whenever I'm in a bad place and ignoring what's happening in my head, I tend to be pretty damn awful to myself and even screw up relationships with others.  And that's never what I want.

The world is super big, super scary, and it moves at you pretty fast.  When you take time to get in your head and understand what's happening in YOUR world, it becomes a lot less scary and a lot more exciting.

Management.

Because I've been on the search for the best fit for me - I've spent a lot of time working for a lot of different managers.  I've seen the  best, the worst, and the apathetic.  I've been a manager as well.  And I like to think I'm a pretty good one.  In order to become better, I try to take the pieces of each boss that I love and embody them - and to take the pieces I hate, and never be them.

So what makes a good manager?

A Can Do Attitude

I've got a rule.  I'll never ask my staff to do anything I haven't done or been willing to do myself.  A boss should be willing to put in the work.  I  don't respect a superior who's not willing to roll up their sleeves and get the job done.

Reasonable

I need a supervisor to be reasonable.  From standards and expectations to the hours I keep, I need you to be realistic.  There is a difference between high standards and pushing too much.  There is a highly defined line between working hard and working too much.

Aware

A boss should be aware of what's going on within the team at all times.  Too many supervisors are quick to notice the mistakes and don't celebrate the successes or even have a clue what's going on within their team.  It shouldn't be a surprise to you when you have a bunch of staff quit.  It shouldn't b few and far between that you're thankful for the work your team does.

Accountable

The boss should hold more responsibility and accountability than anyone.  If your team is consistently making mistakes, it's  on you to find out why and how to fix it.  At the end of the day, the results are on you.  Additionally, if you're the boss and yet you don't put in the work, hold yourself to different standards for vacation/sick/hours - you're not respectable.  You're in charge but you're not above the rules.

Teamwork

I have a client who constantly corrects me when I say work for you.  He insists on saying work with.  And he's my favorite client.  He values me as a human being above all else and understands what being a team stands for.  He knows that the successes and failures are part of the team's effort.  He's willing to put in the time to make us successful and he's not afraid to push us harder.  He doesn't make it a me vs you situation because if I lose, he loses.

There are of course, a lot of other qualities that make a manager great, but to me, these are the basics.  Finding a good boss is hard.  Being a boss is hard.  Making an effort to be a good one and work for a good one is critical.  We spend so freaking much time working, find somewhere and someone you enjoy working for and with.

Practice What You Preach

I'm very hard on myself.  A lot of us are.  Life comes with a lot of pressures.  I think one of the greatest things you can do for yourself is remind yourself what makes you great.  That being said, I'm very bad at actually following through on it myself.

As a woman, we are often trained to be humble.  To downplay attributes and successes.  We beg off compliments and are taught to be caretakers.  A lot of the time, we forget to be selfish and celebrate the things that make us great.

So I'm going to put my list out there.  I'm pretty great because:

1. I am a fiercely loyal and protective friend
2. I am a passionate person
3. I give to others
4. I'm a talented athlete
5. I am successful
6. I take risks
7. I've got a contagious smile
8. I impact others by being a source of sunshine
9. I'm a good writer
10. I sparkle

It seems easy, but writing down qualities that make me great is actually quite hard.  I stopped many times to wonder, does this sound conceited?  Will this be taken negatively?  And that sucks.  Being kind to yourself is hard.  Openly saying - "I'm pretty MF fabulous" is even harder.  But it's necessary.  Life is hard.  Being kind to yourself shouldn't be.  What does your list look like my sequins?

Great Loss, Again

I recently lost my aunt to cancer.  She is not the first person I've lost and I know she will not be the last.  

I don't grieve in the most traditional way.  I'm not big on crying.  I never really break down.  But I still feel loss greatly.

I get angry, I get numb, I pull away.  I need time alone.  

And then I need to refocus.  I refocus on living my best life.  I refocus on the motivation that keeps me on my nontraditional journey.

For me - the best way to celebrate the ones I love, is to go out and be the best version of me, to never give up on my dreams, and to never waste a second missing out on great adventure.  

I'll never understand why good people are taken so soon.  And I've  sort of stopped trying to understand.  Unfortunately, none of it is within my control.  The only thing I can do, is honor them by keeping them with me and never letting anyone forget the greatness they brought into my world and the world around them.

My aunt was vibrant, adventurous, smart, kind, gorgeous, the best mom, a loving wife, the most supportive aunt - and the world lost an incredible soul the moment she was taken.  I am crushed by her loss.  But I will continue to adventure, never settle, and spread my sparkle in her honor.

Diaries of My Anxiety Part 328632

It's been quite some time since I updated you on the adventures of my anxiety.  Oddly - I don't feel like I've been living my best life and yet my anxiety has been a lot more in control than I can ever remember it being.  And here's why:

• Consistent therapy
• The right medications
• Boundaries
• Self Care

Therapy

Due to my crazy schedule, I don't always get to therapy weekly.  But I never miss more than once week.  That is my rule.  Therapy has provided me such a safe space.  It gives my very analytical mind a third party with no skin in the game to bounce my anxious thoughts off of.  My therapist is a good fit for me because I feel comfortable enough not to do anything but be myself.  I'm honest, open, and I don't justify anything.  Therapy is such a critical tool in my arsenal because it helps me to view myself and my problems in a way that I maybe had not seen before.

The Right Medications

I had never seen a psychiatrist until I moved  to Texas.  In Texas, you have to see a psychiatrist in order to be prescribed with mental health medications.  And what a difference it has made.  I've been on one form or another of antianxiety or depression medication since I was a teenager.  But I never felt quite right with what I had been on.  Seeing a psychiatrist has entirely changed that.  She understands I don't want to be controlled by medications and that I'm willing to put in a little more work to not rely on them.  If you're  taking medications to help your mental health - make sure you are educated and involved in what you're being prescribed.

Boundaries

I talk a lot about boundaries.  And I used to think I was pretty decent at setting them.  Turns out, I'm not.  I let people take advantage of me in my personal and professional lives.  Until recently.  I've almost become a bit ruthless in the way that I set boundaries now.  If I'm burnt out at work, I say no to new assignments.  I simply refuse to travel.  I am vocal about my exhaustion.  And while one day, it may bite me - it's worth it.  In my personal life, if friendships exhaust me, I pull away.  If relationships aren't providing me joy, I leave.  Certainly I have moments of weakness, but having the power within me to say no - is absolutely fueling my confidence.

Self Care

I am pretty bad at self care.  I always used to think I was practicing it but until my therapist sat down with me and showed me examples of self care - and then told me that I can create my own version of self care - I was wrong.  Self care should be practiced daily.  Not once a week, not burning out until I need an entire weekend of it.  Daily.  So that's what I do.  I take time each day to really do things that I know reset me.  Whether that be working out, watching TV, talking to friends, writing - whatever - I do it.  And I don't explain myself when I cancel other plans to put me first.

My anxiety is and always will be a constant battle.  I'm going to feel incredible for periods of time, and utterly hopeless others.  I hope that what I have to say and share when it comes to my anxiety helps inspire you to take control of whatever mental health struggle you have in life.  Because it is possible to live your best life with anxiety or depression - or whatever it is you struggle with.  It's extra work, but nothing worth it ever comes easy.

Gun Violence: What do we do?

You can't get on social media, browse the news, or turn on the TV without seeing gun violence in front of you.  Our world is surrounded by mass shootings, school shootings, and domestic violence.  None of this is new.  Guns aren't new.  Mass shootings unfortunately, are not new.  What's new is the way in which we sensationalize these things within the news and the increased rate in which these incidents are occurring.  

And everyone wants to know - how do we stop this?  How do we make our world a safer place for our children and ourselves?

I don't know the answer.  I have an internal argument with myself quite often when it comes to gun control and what the right answer is.  What I do know is that we have to do something.  Continuing to issue thoughts and prayers, that's not enough.  Continuing to listen to each side bicker is not providing a solution.  

When I don't know how to solve a problem - I turn to education.  I do research, I study facts and I talk to people knowledgeable on the subject in order to gain a better understanding of the  problem.  

In regards to gun violence - I think we need to start with education.  

Recently a friend posted an article from NPR that I found inspired.

Read the article.  A bunch of smart guys who study school violence got together and tried to figure out how we move forward in preventing the next Parkland shooting.  For context, this was only two weeks of intense research and discussion, but it's the best start I've seen for us to start with moving forward.  Since its publication, over 200 Universities, professors, and experts have come out in support of the basic idea: "Don't harden schools. Make them softer, by improving social and emotional health."

The program created a concise eight step National Call to Action:

"A public health approach to protecting children as well as adults from gun violence involves three levels of prevention: (1) universal approaches promoting safety and well-being for everyone; (2) practices for reducing risk and promoting protective factors for persons experiencing difficulties; and (3) interventions for individuals where violence is present or appears imminent"

I'm a huge fan of any call to action that starts with education and health.  Do I think we need some reform when it comes to guns?  Absolutely.  But simply affecting those laws is not going to solve the problem.  We need to also combat violence with education as well as mental and social health policy reform.  

Truly - I wish there was one answer and we could end this horrific time in America, but there's not.  Anyone claiming there's one root problem (whether that be guns or mental health), is very wrong.  I'll even say ignorant.  Actually - one of the major issues in America right now is that we are all so set in our ways - in taking sides - in being right or wrong - that we can't solve any problems.  

I ask that you take the time to get informed, to be open minded, and to understand that we have this one world so we better figure out how to work together for compromise because without that, violence and poverty and racism - all the ugliest parts of our world, will continue to flourish.  

Headphones On.

As much as I've always been perceived as someone with supreme confidence, I do have moments of weakness where I worry about what other people think of me.  At work, in the family, with friends - I'll get stuck in a what do they really think of me phase and what I have started to remind myself is:

"What other people think of me, is none of my business"

Let that sink in.  We often talk about things that are nobody else's business but what about the things that are none of your business?  For the most part, what other people think of you has a whole lot more to do with them than it does you.  And regardless of who you are, chances are, someone has said something unkind about you.  At work, in our personal lives - its human nature to have opinions about other people.  Realistically, know those things aren't going to aid you in being a better you.  So make them none of your business.

In the workplace, I am a force.  I have incredibly high standards for myself and quite frankly, not everyone has the same standards for themselves.  That makes me a target for people who can't or don't want to keep up.  

On social media, I am vocal.  I have strong opinions regarding social and political issues and I'm not afraid to stand up for those opinions.  That makes me a target for people who love to argue.

In my personal life, I am a firecracker.  I'm the loudest person in the group and I'm always talking.  That makes me a target for people who aren't as spirited.  

I'm not a blend into the world type of human.  I've had a lot of people say a lot of really awful things about me in every facet of life.  Sometimes I let it get to me, but more often than not I understand that when you're someone who reuses to fade into the crowd, a lot of people are going to try and bring you down.  Let them.  That's none of your business.

"Lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep."

It's the most cliché quote in the whole book when it comes to gossip - but it's something I repeat to myself as often as possible.  The real leaders, the dreamers that turn into doers, the best people - they're kind, they're focused, and they know that what other people say about them, is none of their damn business.

Social Media Savvy

Social media is the new wave of connectivity.  Billions of dollars are spent on research determining the best days, times, and platforms for engaging with business and consumers.  For most of us building brands for our small businesses, this strategy looks a little bit different. But if you ever hope to have a successful brand, you better have a very well thought out strategy to get you there.  I'm no expert, and I'm also no social media star.  My brand is in its very early stages of infancy, which is even more reason to develop my approach strategically.  As someone who consistently does her research, creates a plan, and then evaluates the plan, I like to think I know a little bit about being social media savvy.

So whether you're creating an empire, or simply looking for likes - create a plan for engagement and while this doesn't always ensure your success, it does increase your chances.  

Create your Voice

Who are you?  What is your brand?  What do you want your presence to say?  My blog is authentically my voice.  How I speak on here is eerily similar to how I speak in person.  I knew I wanted to be a brand that speaks to keeping it real to my experiences, values, and personality.  Whenever I write, I keep that voice consistent.  Don't confuse your base by being inconsistent.  If your followers cannot figure out who you are, they're very quickly going to lose interest in trying to find out.

Define your Audience

I get it - you want to appeal to the masses to maximize your following.  Realistically, that's not how it works.  If you don't define who your consumer is, you won't appeal to anyone.  Define what your brand is, define who that brand best relates to, and target your voice to that audience.  For example, my peers (millennials) are who spend the most time engaging with my content.  That includes young professionals and those in their early 30's.  I know that's where my strength lies and that's who I write to.  

Set a Goal

Every single thing you do in life should have a goal.  A very clearly laid out goal.  Stop saying "I want to be famous."  Having "millions of followers" is not a targeted goal.  Create a series of goals based on where you are in the building process and up your goal every time you reach success. I'd like to write a book one day.  To do that, I'd like to create a fan base - a group of people who consistently engage with my content.  In my mind, that looks like a minimum of 10,000 blog subscribers.  Everything I do for my website - I keep these goals in mind.  Of course there are many more layers to my goals, but a girl can't share her master plan with everyone.

Follow Through

I know far too many people who always want to do something.  They're going to start a fashion line, become a photographer, start a consulting firm.  But 98% of those people don't do any of those things.  They're not even mediocre at their day jobs and if you're barely keeping your main hustle, your side hustle doesn't stand a chance.  Treat your side hustle (your dreams) like a real job - because it is.  Dedicate time, hold yourself accountable to that time, and remain organized.  Sure, you could leak a sex tape and maybe be a Kardashian one day - but for 99.9% of us, that's not happening.  You're not getting discovered.  Nobody is waiting to give you a deal.  Everyone is talented, and everyone has an idea.  Not everyone is willing to put the time and effort in.

As short a list as that seems, that's a lot to do.  It's a lot of time, discipline, and making the choice to give up some fun for some good ole fashioned work.  Sure, some people get lucky.  But luck only gets you so far.  Even if you're the 1% who breaks in, I can promise you that without a plan, a brand, and a goal - you'll be just as quickly back to being a nobody before your next IG post.

The Five Year Plan

The best advice I have ever been given, in work and in life, is to say screw your five year plan, what's your five day plan?  How are you maximizing the seconds in your everyday to get yourself to your future goals?  Who cares about your five year plan if you spend your next five days watching Netflix?  What are you doing to make the most of your time now?

I used to live by the five year plan.  My whole life has a plan.  I think I came out of the womb planning every second of my life.  When asked about my five year plan in an interview, I have always had a detailed and kick ass response.  The truth is - I'm not doing any of the things I planned all these years.  

My last five years have been a series of four states, about as many jobs, a handful of relationships, breakups, makeups, friendships that fell apart, and friendships that became family.  I never lost those extra pounds, I don't own a house - and not one person has let me become Emperor of Sparkle.

The more I plan, the more my plans fall apart.  Adjusting my view to focus on short term has been quite the challenge.  But the more I engage in the next five minutes, the more joy I feel and the more successful I find myself (personally and professionally) in the next five years.

How many times have you put your goals on hold because you figure they're long term, there's time?  How many hours have you spent procrastinating because it didn't need to get done today?  But if you've got a goal to accomplish in five minutes - or five days - you don't have time to wait - you've got to make it happen NOW.

Let's chat examples.  My biggest career goal in life is to be happy.  To love what I do, love where I do it, and get paid enough to travel the world.  I'm not willing to wait five years for that to happen.  So I make time every single day to evaluate where I'm at in my career.  I look at what I'm doing everyday, who I'm working with, and where my finances are - and if in five days I cant find happy most of the time - I start working towards changing that.  I'm not waiting a year, or five years to say be patient, the happy will come.  I am talking to my colleagues, bosses, mentors, and I'm saying I love this, I don't love this - help me figure out where I can adjust, where you can adjust - so that I'm happy.

In my personal life, I struggle with health and wellness.  I get sick often, beat my body up, and I sleep significantly less than a human being should.  I don't have five years to spare living like this.  And I can't wait five years to feel my healthiest and happiest.  So everyday, I prioritize fitness.  I prioritize self care.  I go so far as to make time each hour of the day to do something that simply gives me some personal joy.  Some days that means taking a 20 minute Starbucks break at 3PM.  Most days it means leaving work by 4PM to make 430 Pilates.  Once in awhile it means spending 10 minutes shopping the Nordstrom semiannual sale online.  Every single time, it adds value and happiness to my world.  I'm a significantly better human when I take five minutes to put me first instead of waiting even five days to make me a priority.

Nobody said you should be working every second of every day, but if you're not making the moments count now - how do you ever plan to achieve the big moments down the road?