Fake it Til You Make it: A Guide

Ladies and Gentleman, life is a grind.  It's a lot of am I doing this right?  How did that happen?  I thought I paid that bill?  What do you mean I'm late?  I need new tires?  And then sometimes it's how did I get so lucky?  I can't believe my dreams are coming true!  This is the best day ever!  

The point - it's ups and it's downs and it's a lot of nobody knows what they're doing anways.  But the ones who I know are going to be okay, they're the ones who fake it til they make it.  I'm talking the people you meet who seem to just have it together.  They're always on.  They never appear flustered.  We all know them.  We wish we were them.

So how do you fake it until you make it?  

Believe in Yourself

The first and most important rule of faking it til you make it is to actually believe in yourself.  You can't expect anyone else to buy into you if you're not confident in your product.  But what if you're just not there yet?  Before you can fake it, you've got to work on creating some level of confidence in yourself - even if you've got to trick yourself!  Start by giving yourself pep talks.  Write down things that you love about yourself.  Put yourself in situations where you know you shine.  Rinse and repeat. 

Know Who You Are

Are you the funny guy?  The tech nerd?  The one who always has random facts?  Ientify who you are - and be authentic to who that is.  Im definitely the goofball.  But I'm also really loyal, passionate, and probably too extra.  It's who I am.  I could never try to be the quiet bookish type.  It wouldn't be believable.  Know who you are, commit to that, and show people why they should care.

Stay Woke

Stay current on a wide breadth of topics.  Read the news.  Scan social media.  Subscribe to things.  Just be aware.  In order to appear put together, you need to be able to engage with people on a myriad of topics and sound informed.  The more diverse your knowledge, the more opportunities you will have to meet people and expand your network.  

Work Hard

If you expect to eventually make it, and stay there - you've got to work hard.  Even the people who accidentally succeed, they don't stay successful unless they work at it.  Even when you're faking it, work.  Never stop working towards your dream.  

Being successful has everything to do with confidence.  Everyone who ever made it had to fake it at some point.  You arent a failure because you're not there yet - you're a failure if you don't try. 

Live Simple

The older I get (and better looking), the more I realize the most important things in my life are in fact not things.  I know I've talked about living simply before, but now I'm actually truthfully living it.  For me, that probably still looks different than what most people think of when they live simple.  Realistically, I'm not going to forsake all of my belongings, only keep 5 pieces of clothing and keep a sparse apartment.  It's just not me.  So let's call this living simple(ish).  

In fact, let's call this living simple for the modern sequin.  What's a modern sequin you ask?  It's someone who shines (obviously), values travel and experiences over things but still wants to look fly, eat well, and enjoy a comfortable home.  You're willing to downsize and give up some "stuff" but you're not willing to move into a tiny home and wear the same jeans and t shirt each day.  Now that we are on the same page, let's chat through why and then how.

WHY

Our generation (I refuse to call myself a millennial) has more debt, bills, and overall less financial security than ever before.  Quiet down depression era, that was a really different time and context.  The point is it isn't taking much to put us in a financial bind.  We are also the generation that values social justice, political reform, relationships, the environment, and travel more than anything in our lives.  Excess just isn't a priority to most of the people I know if my age group.  We are more mindful of our world footprint and truly think about how we are going to impact the Earth for the next generation.  So why?  Because we care about a lot more than a Gucci belt and 10,000 square foot home.  

For me personally, I really want to travel the world.  I do a ton of traveling for work but I don't get to travel a lot for pleasure.  I am fascinated by culture, architecture and of course food!  I was tired of not being able to afford to take trips across the world because I shopped too much.  It took me years of spending my money on things to realize how unhappy I was surrounded by all this stuff instead of taking the trip to Europe.

HOW

There are a lot of ways to start small and build into a movement.  I made some super small changes in my life and the more I got comfortable with those, the more I would add in larger challenges to save and live more simply.  And finally - I am now going to Europe for two weeks and I haven't had to put a single cent on a CC.  I'm able to travel for two weeks very comfortably completely paid for prior to leaving.  If you would have asked me if I thought I could do that two years ago, I would have laughed.  So what changes have I made and can you achieve them?

PRIORITIZE

I made the decision that travel was my priority.  So before I make any purchase, no matter how small, I ask myself - is this a need or a want?  And if it's a want, is it going to set me up long term for my goals?  No decision is too small.  Wherever I can save $5, $10, it adds up to a couple hundred dollars each month. Here are a few examples:

Grocery Shopping: I make a meal plan each week and then a grocery list.  I stick to this list instead of walking around and picking anything that looks good.  I've found this saves me a good $20-$40 each grocery trip.  It also saves me from wasting food I don't utilize, which is awesome for the environment.

Clothes/Shoes Shopping: This was my biggest guilty pleasure for the longest time.  I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I don't even wear.  I love a good deal but spent too much on items that aren't good quality, are too trendy, or that don't fit properly.  Now, I invest in pieces that are the opposite.  I spend a little more for really high quality, properly fitting items that last a long time.  I make less purchases and wear them more.  I've also gone through and done a purge of my closet and donated to a local women's shelter to give back.

Eating Out - I noticed between coffee, lunches, and eating out on weekends, I was spending a good $200+ a month.  So I cut back.  I gave myself lunch out 2x a week, weekend meals out to 1x, and then I bought coffee 2x a week.  Sounds like a lot but now I'm down to eating out a total of maybe 2-3x a month total and I stopped buying coffee almost entirely.  This can be a huge lifestyle change for a lot of people  But this really changed my bank account and honestly my health.  I've slimmed down and I feel healthier.  

UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU CANT COMPROMISE

For me, fitness is not somewhere I'm willing to cut my budget.  I spend about $135 a month to be in a Class Pass like program (It's Studio Hop here in Texas, TRY IT!).  At no point am I willing to cut this out.  This isn't how I'll simplify.  I wouldn't be as happy or healthy because fitness is my escape.  You can't cut out things that you know make you happy.  There's always 1 or 2 things that are a nonnegotiable and it's OK to have those, just be reasonable.  You can't keep you designer shoe addiction and your need to eat out every meal.  

REFLECT AND REASSES

You've got to be diligent about checking in with your progress.  If you're not making any, explore why and make a change.  If the change is small and you just started, take that as an encouraging sign.  Check in with how you're feeling and progressing and see where you may be able to cut back more, less if it's not making you happy, and what other changes you can make to reach your goals.  It's an ever changing journey!

So what are some super specific ways to save funds for a modern sequin?  I'll share with you some of my favorites!

• Re purpose frames from a thrift store and print out your favorite photos as art in your home instead of spending $50++ on artwork.  I decorate my home with photos and it brings me much more joy than art that doesn't relate to me.
• Shop at a vintage or thrift store.  I've purchased some incredible pieces such as a Chanel sweater for $50 at thrift stores and vintage shops.  But go to the good ones, do your research.  Stop shopping at LA "vintage shops" that are really just crappy t shirts for $75
• Host a dinner party and ask everyone to contribute.  It's fun to create an adult pot luck and you can still do the majority of the work by providing the main dish and wine.  Ask everyone else to bring a small side or dessert.  It will be significantly less than eating out as a group.
• Attend free activities in your city.  Some of these are super stupid and not worth attending.  But some are awesome if you look around.  In Dallas we have some really great free concerts, festivals, and even fitness classes.  When I lived in LA you could plan an entire weekend around free things to do that are freaking awesome.
• Get outside.  I love being outside.  Hiking, walking, picnics, whatever it is, I want to be outside.  Call friends and go do these things.  It's free, healthy, and fun!
• Make coffee at home.  I tested a ton of coffee brands and blends and found a few that I absolutely love.  Instead of spending $5-$6 on a latte every morning, I invested in good coffee, delicious creamer, and I make it at home.  Just as yummy, and less calories and sugars! 
• Game Night.  Fine, this might be lame.  But I freaking love game night.  Drink at home, play games with friends.  Save $100 by not going to the bars and paying for 3AM Taco Bell and Lyfts. 
• DIY.  I'm a huge DIY fan.  I'm one of the busiest babes out there and I still find time for the small DIY projects instead of spending ridiculous amounts of money for someone else to do these things for me.  Go to a thrift store, buy a solid oak coffee table and repaint it.  Find some cool art and repaint the frame.  Buy those porcelain statues and spray paint them metallic.  There are so many gems! 

What are you doing to live simple?  Give me your best tips and tricks!  

Loud Mouth

I'm not one of those people who can stay quiet.  I don't mind my own business.  When I see injustices - whether it pertains to me or not - I speak up.  This has definitely gotten me in trouble a number of times.  It's made my journeys in life, in relationships, and at work - often harder than they have to be.  

I'm not really sure if it's a good or bad trait to have.  Sometimes, it's utterly exhausting.  I have spent many hours wishing I could be different.  At the end of the day - good or bad - I was born with an inherent need to speak up.

Quite honestly - I don't know many people who feel the way I feel about speaking up.  Sure, we are in a time of social and political activism and I have a lot of friends who thankfully feel the need to stand against those injustices.  But in the everyday world, I don't know a lot of people who say back off to the bullies, who tell their bosses when things aren't right, who say this is small but it's not right and I don't want to put up with it.

Realistically, life would be a lot easier if I let the little things go.  Certainly my life would be a little bit smoother if I was able to sit back and shut up.  I wholeheartedly wish I could.  Maybe some day I'll grow and mature and that's where it stems from.  And yet, another part of me feels a bit of pride fighting for the little things so that one day, maybe they'll stop the big things.  

Do any of you know disruptive people in your life?  What do you think about the incessant need to speak up?  

Get in your head.

I subscribe to the philosophy that distraction is everything.  As much as I possibly can, I tend to stay out of my own head.  But what that's taught me is that the more I stay out of my own head, the less I understand what's going on in my heart.  So my new motto?  Get in my head.

In order to get in my heart, I've got to get in my head.  Instead of avoiding what's going on and keeping everything together, I've got to commit myself to spending time with myself.

For as long as I can remember, I've been type A - an athlete.  That means keeping everything together and putting up a strong front has been all I've known.  I have always been able to easily compartmentalize issues and continue on with a normal life.  Most people believe my life has just been idyllic, without hard times.  And while I don't care much for how others see me, I do care that I'm able to so easily set aside horrible emotions and issues and pretend they aren't there.  I have learned this doesn't create the healthiest happiest me and it's time to stop.

So how do you get in your head and what's the point?  You get in your head by forcing yourself to connect with what's happening in your mind and how that makes you feel in your heart.  The point is so to become emotionally intelligent and in return, live your best life.

But how do you specifically get in your own head?  You stop avoiding it.  You do things that force you to live in that space.  Keep a journal.  Talk to your friends/family.  Listen to music.  Workout.  Do whatever activity it is that connects you to your headspace.  And record how that makes you feel.  

For example: My aunt recently passed away.  It happened during a time when I was my busiest at work, having some personal life struggles, and was just plain exhausted.  So I ignored how her passing made me feel.  I kept it together and pushed that all aside.  Now that I'm able to slow down a bit - I've spent time listening to how her passing makes me feel.  And it's a lot of things.  I had been suppressing sadness, fear, anger, love - so many things.  Now that I'm recognizing these emotions, I'm dealing with them in a healthy way.  Which will in turn better equip me to manage these feelings in the future.

Getting in your head is about making time to face your thoughts and how they make you feel.  For me, that's a good workout, writing down words in a planner that describe how I'm feeling and then figuring out how you can utilize everything to be more successful each day.  The more emotionally intelligent you can be, the more successful your relationships with yourself, family, friends - even partners will be.  Whenever I'm in a bad place and ignoring what's happening in my head, I tend to be pretty damn awful to myself and even screw up relationships with others.  And that's never what I want.

The world is super big, super scary, and it moves at you pretty fast.  When you take time to get in your head and understand what's happening in YOUR world, it becomes a lot less scary and a lot more exciting.

Management.

Because I've been on the search for the best fit for me - I've spent a lot of time working for a lot of different managers.  I've seen the  best, the worst, and the apathetic.  I've been a manager as well.  And I like to think I'm a pretty good one.  In order to become better, I try to take the pieces of each boss that I love and embody them - and to take the pieces I hate, and never be them.

So what makes a good manager?

A Can Do Attitude

I've got a rule.  I'll never ask my staff to do anything I haven't done or been willing to do myself.  A boss should be willing to put in the work.  I  don't respect a superior who's not willing to roll up their sleeves and get the job done.

Reasonable

I need a supervisor to be reasonable.  From standards and expectations to the hours I keep, I need you to be realistic.  There is a difference between high standards and pushing too much.  There is a highly defined line between working hard and working too much.

Aware

A boss should be aware of what's going on within the team at all times.  Too many supervisors are quick to notice the mistakes and don't celebrate the successes or even have a clue what's going on within their team.  It shouldn't be a surprise to you when you have a bunch of staff quit.  It shouldn't b few and far between that you're thankful for the work your team does.

Accountable

The boss should hold more responsibility and accountability than anyone.  If your team is consistently making mistakes, it's  on you to find out why and how to fix it.  At the end of the day, the results are on you.  Additionally, if you're the boss and yet you don't put in the work, hold yourself to different standards for vacation/sick/hours - you're not respectable.  You're in charge but you're not above the rules.

Teamwork

I have a client who constantly corrects me when I say work for you.  He insists on saying work with.  And he's my favorite client.  He values me as a human being above all else and understands what being a team stands for.  He knows that the successes and failures are part of the team's effort.  He's willing to put in the time to make us successful and he's not afraid to push us harder.  He doesn't make it a me vs you situation because if I lose, he loses.

There are of course, a lot of other qualities that make a manager great, but to me, these are the basics.  Finding a good boss is hard.  Being a boss is hard.  Making an effort to be a good one and work for a good one is critical.  We spend so freaking much time working, find somewhere and someone you enjoy working for and with.

Practice What You Preach

I'm very hard on myself.  A lot of us are.  Life comes with a lot of pressures.  I think one of the greatest things you can do for yourself is remind yourself what makes you great.  That being said, I'm very bad at actually following through on it myself.

As a woman, we are often trained to be humble.  To downplay attributes and successes.  We beg off compliments and are taught to be caretakers.  A lot of the time, we forget to be selfish and celebrate the things that make us great.

So I'm going to put my list out there.  I'm pretty great because:

1. I am a fiercely loyal and protective friend
2. I am a passionate person
3. I give to others
4. I'm a talented athlete
5. I am successful
6. I take risks
7. I've got a contagious smile
8. I impact others by being a source of sunshine
9. I'm a good writer
10. I sparkle

It seems easy, but writing down qualities that make me great is actually quite hard.  I stopped many times to wonder, does this sound conceited?  Will this be taken negatively?  And that sucks.  Being kind to yourself is hard.  Openly saying - "I'm pretty MF fabulous" is even harder.  But it's necessary.  Life is hard.  Being kind to yourself shouldn't be.  What does your list look like my sequins?

Great Loss, Again

I recently lost my aunt to cancer.  She is not the first person I've lost and I know she will not be the last.  

I don't grieve in the most traditional way.  I'm not big on crying.  I never really break down.  But I still feel loss greatly.

I get angry, I get numb, I pull away.  I need time alone.  

And then I need to refocus.  I refocus on living my best life.  I refocus on the motivation that keeps me on my nontraditional journey.

For me - the best way to celebrate the ones I love, is to go out and be the best version of me, to never give up on my dreams, and to never waste a second missing out on great adventure.  

I'll never understand why good people are taken so soon.  And I've  sort of stopped trying to understand.  Unfortunately, none of it is within my control.  The only thing I can do, is honor them by keeping them with me and never letting anyone forget the greatness they brought into my world and the world around them.

My aunt was vibrant, adventurous, smart, kind, gorgeous, the best mom, a loving wife, the most supportive aunt - and the world lost an incredible soul the moment she was taken.  I am crushed by her loss.  But I will continue to adventure, never settle, and spread my sparkle in her honor.

Diaries of My Anxiety Part 328632

It's been quite some time since I updated you on the adventures of my anxiety.  Oddly - I don't feel like I've been living my best life and yet my anxiety has been a lot more in control than I can ever remember it being.  And here's why:

• Consistent therapy
• The right medications
• Boundaries
• Self Care

Therapy

Due to my crazy schedule, I don't always get to therapy weekly.  But I never miss more than once week.  That is my rule.  Therapy has provided me such a safe space.  It gives my very analytical mind a third party with no skin in the game to bounce my anxious thoughts off of.  My therapist is a good fit for me because I feel comfortable enough not to do anything but be myself.  I'm honest, open, and I don't justify anything.  Therapy is such a critical tool in my arsenal because it helps me to view myself and my problems in a way that I maybe had not seen before.

The Right Medications

I had never seen a psychiatrist until I moved  to Texas.  In Texas, you have to see a psychiatrist in order to be prescribed with mental health medications.  And what a difference it has made.  I've been on one form or another of antianxiety or depression medication since I was a teenager.  But I never felt quite right with what I had been on.  Seeing a psychiatrist has entirely changed that.  She understands I don't want to be controlled by medications and that I'm willing to put in a little more work to not rely on them.  If you're  taking medications to help your mental health - make sure you are educated and involved in what you're being prescribed.

Boundaries

I talk a lot about boundaries.  And I used to think I was pretty decent at setting them.  Turns out, I'm not.  I let people take advantage of me in my personal and professional lives.  Until recently.  I've almost become a bit ruthless in the way that I set boundaries now.  If I'm burnt out at work, I say no to new assignments.  I simply refuse to travel.  I am vocal about my exhaustion.  And while one day, it may bite me - it's worth it.  In my personal life, if friendships exhaust me, I pull away.  If relationships aren't providing me joy, I leave.  Certainly I have moments of weakness, but having the power within me to say no - is absolutely fueling my confidence.

Self Care

I am pretty bad at self care.  I always used to think I was practicing it but until my therapist sat down with me and showed me examples of self care - and then told me that I can create my own version of self care - I was wrong.  Self care should be practiced daily.  Not once a week, not burning out until I need an entire weekend of it.  Daily.  So that's what I do.  I take time each day to really do things that I know reset me.  Whether that be working out, watching TV, talking to friends, writing - whatever - I do it.  And I don't explain myself when I cancel other plans to put me first.

My anxiety is and always will be a constant battle.  I'm going to feel incredible for periods of time, and utterly hopeless others.  I hope that what I have to say and share when it comes to my anxiety helps inspire you to take control of whatever mental health struggle you have in life.  Because it is possible to live your best life with anxiety or depression - or whatever it is you struggle with.  It's extra work, but nothing worth it ever comes easy.

Gun Violence: What do we do?

You can't get on social media, browse the news, or turn on the TV without seeing gun violence in front of you.  Our world is surrounded by mass shootings, school shootings, and domestic violence.  None of this is new.  Guns aren't new.  Mass shootings unfortunately, are not new.  What's new is the way in which we sensationalize these things within the news and the increased rate in which these incidents are occurring.  

And everyone wants to know - how do we stop this?  How do we make our world a safer place for our children and ourselves?

I don't know the answer.  I have an internal argument with myself quite often when it comes to gun control and what the right answer is.  What I do know is that we have to do something.  Continuing to issue thoughts and prayers, that's not enough.  Continuing to listen to each side bicker is not providing a solution.  

When I don't know how to solve a problem - I turn to education.  I do research, I study facts and I talk to people knowledgeable on the subject in order to gain a better understanding of the  problem.  

In regards to gun violence - I think we need to start with education.  

Recently a friend posted an article from NPR that I found inspired.

Read the article.  A bunch of smart guys who study school violence got together and tried to figure out how we move forward in preventing the next Parkland shooting.  For context, this was only two weeks of intense research and discussion, but it's the best start I've seen for us to start with moving forward.  Since its publication, over 200 Universities, professors, and experts have come out in support of the basic idea: "Don't harden schools. Make them softer, by improving social and emotional health."

The program created a concise eight step National Call to Action:

"A public health approach to protecting children as well as adults from gun violence involves three levels of prevention: (1) universal approaches promoting safety and well-being for everyone; (2) practices for reducing risk and promoting protective factors for persons experiencing difficulties; and (3) interventions for individuals where violence is present or appears imminent"

I'm a huge fan of any call to action that starts with education and health.  Do I think we need some reform when it comes to guns?  Absolutely.  But simply affecting those laws is not going to solve the problem.  We need to also combat violence with education as well as mental and social health policy reform.  

Truly - I wish there was one answer and we could end this horrific time in America, but there's not.  Anyone claiming there's one root problem (whether that be guns or mental health), is very wrong.  I'll even say ignorant.  Actually - one of the major issues in America right now is that we are all so set in our ways - in taking sides - in being right or wrong - that we can't solve any problems.  

I ask that you take the time to get informed, to be open minded, and to understand that we have this one world so we better figure out how to work together for compromise because without that, violence and poverty and racism - all the ugliest parts of our world, will continue to flourish.  

Headphones On.

As much as I've always been perceived as someone with supreme confidence, I do have moments of weakness where I worry about what other people think of me.  At work, in the family, with friends - I'll get stuck in a what do they really think of me phase and what I have started to remind myself is:

"What other people think of me, is none of my business"

Let that sink in.  We often talk about things that are nobody else's business but what about the things that are none of your business?  For the most part, what other people think of you has a whole lot more to do with them than it does you.  And regardless of who you are, chances are, someone has said something unkind about you.  At work, in our personal lives - its human nature to have opinions about other people.  Realistically, know those things aren't going to aid you in being a better you.  So make them none of your business.

In the workplace, I am a force.  I have incredibly high standards for myself and quite frankly, not everyone has the same standards for themselves.  That makes me a target for people who can't or don't want to keep up.  

On social media, I am vocal.  I have strong opinions regarding social and political issues and I'm not afraid to stand up for those opinions.  That makes me a target for people who love to argue.

In my personal life, I am a firecracker.  I'm the loudest person in the group and I'm always talking.  That makes me a target for people who aren't as spirited.  

I'm not a blend into the world type of human.  I've had a lot of people say a lot of really awful things about me in every facet of life.  Sometimes I let it get to me, but more often than not I understand that when you're someone who reuses to fade into the crowd, a lot of people are going to try and bring you down.  Let them.  That's none of your business.

"Lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep."

It's the most cliché quote in the whole book when it comes to gossip - but it's something I repeat to myself as often as possible.  The real leaders, the dreamers that turn into doers, the best people - they're kind, they're focused, and they know that what other people say about them, is none of their damn business.