Strong Sever.

As I get older, I am becoming the master of the strong sever.  That is - I am quick to end the games and cut someone out of my life.  From friendships to business to romance, I do not have time nor interest to play games.

There is obviously a bit of game play to everything in life.  There's holding back information, negotiating deals, and studying the other players in order to determine how to move forward.  That's not the game play I'm concerned about.  I'm speaking to the unnecessary games people play.  The recruiter who asks you what you've earned in previous roles.  The guy you're talking to who waits three days to call you back.  The friend who only calls you when they need something.  These people are beneath you and they are not worth your time.

I said it.  You're out of their league.  Do not settle for anyone, anything, any job/relationship/friend who plays these games with you.  Cut them off, wish them luck, move on.

The biggest source of stress and anxiety for most people is the company they keep and the relationships they have within their lives.  And the most control you have in any given situation - is to choose who you allow into your world.  If someone is playing games with you, beat them at it and simply remove them from your arena. 

For me - I've spent too much time in my personal life allowing men and some friends to play games with my heart and soul.  Specifically, I allow the benefit of the doubt far too many times.  I make excuses, I lean towards the assumption that all humans are good people with honest intentions.  And quite frankly, it's something I've allowed to affect my confidence and my sanity far too many times.

Realistically these people are not all bad people.  They're just not in a place to grow up and handle relationships in a respectful way.  And that's ok.  We have all been there.  More than once.

But in order to keep your sanity - you've got to let them go.  And truly let them go.  Don't stalk them on social media.  Do not drunk text them.  Do not get lonely or bored and open up the door to the relationships that broke you.  

People change, and maybe in the future you can have a successful healthy friendship or relationship.  But you teach people how they should treat you.  You show people what you will allow them to do to you.  Set your own standards and stay true to them.  

Standard cliché time?  Life really is far too short.  The world is far too large.  Don't waste time on the people who are willing to play games with you.  Whether you believe you come back or go to heaven or simply cease to exist - you really truly get one shot at this thing you're in right now and every second spent in misery, is one second you'll never get back.

2018 Love.

Ah yes - the generation of the swipe.  In 2018, true love is found behind our cell phones, in our sweat pants, judging people based on looks and witty profile opening lines.  What a time to be alive.

While I'm thankful dating in our generation is not what it was in the 1950's or really even the 1990's - I often long for the traditions of love's past.  

It's Valentine's Day, a time Hallmark has designated to spend our money on diamonds, chocolates, fancy dinners and awkwardly flimsy lingerie.  I'll be honest, I like V-Day.  I don't really care if you want to call it single's awareness day, propose to your significant other, or choose to boycott it's corporate significance.  I'm into the shiny things and I like to celebrate love.  

I'm 32, a lot of my friends are married, in serious relationships, or worried about finding the one.  And it's got me reflecting on dating in 2018 and how much it kind of sucks.  

I'm not blaming men, I'm not blaming women - I'm not generally a fan of blaming anyone unless we can accompany that with some solutions.  But generationally, because we rely so much on technology, we have become to rely on that same technology for human relationships.

The thing is - technology does not account for human feelings, interactions, or flaws.  You can fill out a profile, swipe right - do all the things technology swears by in order to provide you your soulmate but at the end of the day, it can still fail.

There's no science to love.  No magic formula.  And in a world where we put so much effort into the technology of dating, I think we are missing out on organic love.  Because we can so easily find the next best mate, our choice to give up on what's in front of us becomes the go to move.

Relationships are not easy.  There is no perfect partner.  I'm not saying put up with abuse, in fact, never put up with any form of abuse, ever.  But there's something to be said for understanding that love ain't easy.  You will not always be happy in your relationship.  You will not always like your partner.  But you should understand the compromise that needs to happen, the effort that maintaining a lifetime takes, and be committed to your mate because despite those real life problems, that's your chosen lover.  

Every day, you have to choose each other.  The love I admire the most in life are the people who go through all the things life throws at them and every day they wake up and they say I choose you because we are a team and I don't want to swipe right on someone else just because we've had a few bumps in the road.  

In 2018 dating is hard.  I don't really know anyone who meets anyone organically anymore.  I think it takes more work to find a mate in 2018.  An actual commitment to finding someone you can stand for a long period of time.  Whether I like it or not, I'm probably going to have to succumb and stick with this online dating business to find some viable options.  

Dating in 2018 is weird.  Its the guy who asks you when you'll have sex with a new partner within the first 20 minutes of the first date.  It's the guy who doesn't believe women should work.  It's the guy who takes you on a bar crawl and does shots for your initial meeting.  But it's also reconnecting with acquaintances you look at differently.  It's men who take you on a hunt to find the best mac n cheese in Texas.  It's the guy you meet at a friend's party who nervously asks if you'd like to go to dinner.  

We can blame dating today on technology, and we aren't wrong.  But does that mean love isn't out there?  It doesn't.  It means dating is a little different, a little more work - but it's still worth it if for your life means finding a teammate to do all the bumps in the road with.  So love in 2018, it's kind of a nightmare, but so am I sometimes, and at the end of the day, I'm also one hell of a catch.

I Don't Work in Sports.

As you know because you diligently read my blog, I have a bit of an obsession with sports.  I grew up an athlete and dreamed of working in sports for my entire life.  And for 8 years of my career, I worked in sports.  

Now - I indirectly work in sports.  I do a lot of events that take place at sporting venues and with athletes, but I do not consider what I do working in sports.

And that's weird.  

Everyone looks at the sporting world with envy.  They see the glitz and glam world meant for consumers and they assume that's what working in that world is like.  They're not entirely wrong.  I got to do some really cool things because of my job in athletics.  I've been on the sidelines at incredible games.  Sat on the floor in $15,000 seats.  Worked with the commissioner of the NBA.  Flown private with the team.  Enjoyed $5,000 dinners.  And man, was it all everything you could ever dream of and more.  Some of my bucket list has been fulfilled purely because of my job.

But there's also a dark side to the industry.  I experienced the lowest of lows in my life because of how I was treated by individuals in that world.  I lost passion for the world that raised me.  And certainly my experience is not every experience.  I've got some friends and colleagues still in the business who have felt nothing but joy for working in sports.  For me, it was not worth enduring the misery.  So I left.  After a lot of thought, fear, and doubt, I got out.

So what's it like to leave the world of sports?  A lot of people who are contemplating leaving ask me, is it worth it?  Does it get better?  Do you miss it?  The answer is I miss it all the time.  And there are moments I wish I was still part of the nucleus of my passion.  However, I now get to enjoy sports as a fan.  I get to go to games and debate the good and bad - without a stake in the game.  I don't have any rules that define what I talk about, what I say, I'm just a bitter 49er fan like the rest of you.

I now work for a marketing agency.  I work on big brands.  I still engage with celebrities and athletes.  I still plan some one of a kind events.  I get to check off my bucket list.  I travel a lot.  

Not working in sports has taught me that it's eerily similar to working in sports.  Granted, I don't work in a formal environment.  I'm not ever going to be in corporate America.  At my agency I have a less strict dress code than I did in sports.  The hours are more flexible.  I still travel to a lot of the big sporting events and am sitting at the big games.

Maybe I'll go back to sports one day.  Maybe I'll break into writing.  Maybe I'll go into entertainment.  I don't know what my future holds because I've stopped holding myself to this strict plan.  I go where I'm happy, where I'm learning, and where I'm passionate about the job.  Focus less on what you think you should be doing, what you planned for your whole life, and start listening to what gets you up and excited in the morning.  

Who cares if you worked in your dream industry if what you do isn't your dream.  Listen less to those calling what you do glamorous and listen more to what you define as the dream job.

There's No Rules.

I like goals.  I have always set milestones for myself.  I'm really addicted to making lists and checking them off.  Timelines for achievements have always dictated my decisions.  But at the end of the day, there's no rules to this thing.

There's no law telling us when or how to do anything.  

In fact - most of the things I told myself I would do by now are in my past or somewhere in my future.  I've gotten big jobs before I thought I would.  I've not gotten married before I was 30.  And all that's taught me about the rules, is that there are no rules.

Getting my dream job also crushed me.  It taught me dreams aren't always what you think they are.

Not getting married at 23 taught me I am so much more than the relationship I am in.

All of the rules I set for myself, are teaching me that there are no rules to life.

When it comes to milestones, they are not always what you would expect.  

My career is the longest craziest journey I could never have imagined.  And I'm not done yet.  

My love life is every evolving and so much fun to experience as I decide what works for me.

When you think about it, really try to understand the rules society or your family or even yourself has set - do they make sense?  What happens if you don't follow them?  Does the world end?  Do you lose all hope of happiness?  You don't.  

I haven't followed a lot of the rules I set for myself.  And the truth is - a lot of the rules I in fact have set in place for me.  Nobody has set them for me.  My parents never told me I had to be a Doctor or a lawyer or anything but what I wanted.  They never threatened to withhold love because I wasn't the best at something.  I put myself in these situational expectations and have told myself if I don't achieve them, I am not following the rules of my life, and thus failing.

But here I am - breaking almost every single rule I ever set - and I didn't die.  I am not failing.  I'm not miserable.  Nobody shames me.  I've not lost my opportunity at having it all.  The odd thing is - I've created a new chance at a new future.  With no rules to follow, just dreams and joys to chase.  Without the forced set of constraints, I'm free to see what I'm really made of because I can venture outside the expectations I held myself accountable for.  Without the rules, there are no limits.

The rules of life are different for everyone.  And they aren't set in stone.  The rules are what you decide they are.  They are ever evolving.  And they are damn sure meant to be broken.  And if you're bold enough, erased.

Don't ever let someone tell you that there are rules to anything.  The only rule is that there are no rules.  Get out there and prove it.

Wild Heart

For the first 26 years of my life I lived in California.  I briefly spent about a year and a half in Los Angeles but for the majority of those 26 years I lived within 40 minutes of my hometown.  I had traveled a ton and experienced different cultures thanks to my parents, but I had never drifted far from my comfort zone.  

Then, in 2012, at the age of 26 - I took a risk and moved to Colorado.  I knew nobody, had only been once, and literally saw my apartment for the first time the day I moved in.  Talk about a 180.  I went from complete familiarity to wildly out of my comfort zone.  

And ever since - I've been addicted to that lifestyle. I've lived in 4 states since I moved to Colorado and I don't know if Ill ever stop.  I've grown this wild heart that gets joy from new opportunities and experiences.  The uncertainty of future adventures makes my blood pump in the very best way.

The way I choose to keep moving is often confusing for other people.  They assume I'm running from something or unable to find joy.  But for me, seeing people stand still is confusing.  With so much to see and so many places to go - how could you ever stick two feet in the ground and claim stake?  If there's one thing I've learned on my journey, it's to not pay much mind to the opinions of those who don't understand my lifestyle.  

Will I ever stop feeling the need to move on?  Probably.  I think when I find somewhere that feels right, in a job that feels good to go to everyday, when I finally find a heart that matches my beat, I'll stay put.  But until all those stars align, good luck keeping up.

How to be a Man Right Now

I've heard it said recently that its really hard to be a man in a world surrounded by #MeToo.  And to be completely honest with you, that's bullshit.  

What I will concede is that it is a very confusing time to be a guy.  So how do you react in a world where you feel intimidated by your every move?  How do you know what to say to the women around you speaking up?  

First and foremost, understand that staying silent is staying complacent with the status quo.  Women need your support and we need your voice to make a change.

But where do you start?

Understand this isn't About You

Women do not hate you.  We are not trying to emasculate you.  Women do not blame all men.  We do not think all men are horrible predators.  This isn't about you.  This is about the situational experiences of women each and every day in the most normal of circumstances and how we feel about the things that have happened, and continue to happen to us.  

Ask Questions

Talk to the women closest to you and understand what #MeToo means to them.  Engage in a conversation that affords you a safe space to ask questions and listen to honest responses.  Take the time to speak to a couple different women to get different perspectives about the movement.  There's no one story that embodies what's happening right now and unfortunately we all have a story.  

Speak Up

We need your voice.  We need you to say I am so sorry for what you've endured.  We need a commitment from you to hold your friends, colleagues, and yourself accountable for helping prevent these instances from occurring.  We need your voice to say I hear you, and I stand by you for speaking your truth.  That's it.  

Those are all lovely suggestions, but how do you put them into practice?

• See something, say something.  A work, at the bar, at dinner with friends.  When you see something that's not ok, speak up.  Tell someone.  Get help.  Stop watching it happen.
• Reflect.  Have you ever put anyone in a questionable situation?  Have any guilt or confusion?  Figure out where you may have crossed the line and be cognizant of that in the future.  
• Provide support to the women who mean the most to you.  Listen to them, offer resources for professional help.  Show you care and follow through.
• Educate yourself.  Google #TimesUp, read about #MeToo, do a little research through ACLU.  Pickup a book from a survivor, browse one of the many studies out there with science to support our concerns.
• Be an activist.  Attend a march, donate to one of the many foundations aiming to specifically create equal rights for women in the world.  Write your congressmen.  Vote for qualified women running for office.
• Get Socially Active.  I think even having the courage to say you see what's happening and you don't condone it, that you support those speaking up is huge.  It takes guts to put yourself out there publicly and we appreciate it.

It's only a terrible time to be a terrible guy.  Be a good guy, and its always a great time to be a guy.

Career Corner, Part 324856

Can we celebrate the fact that I remembered I was going to call these pieces on business "Career Corner?".  Today, on this episode of Career Corner, we are going to talk about email etiquette.  Something I've noticed lately is a lack of effective communication when it comes to emailing and it's due to:

Poor spelling and grammar

Inappropriately informal writing

Aggressive verbiage

Poor Spelling and Grammar

Nothing makes me cringe faster than seeing misspelled words or improperly formatted sentences.  This is the most basic effort you can show when composing an email.  Your computer even helps you with the spelling.  When I read an email with more than one spelling or grammar mistake, my respect for that person's work ethic drastically declines.  If the person is young, I can already tell they're not committed to hard work.  If they're older and more experienced, I question if they value how they engage with those around them.  Do a spell check, review your formatting - if you don't have time to do this basic task, you're not setting yourself up for success.

Inappropriately Informal Writing

I'm not a formal person.  Not at work, not in my personal life.  But I take the way I represent myself very seriously.  Know your audience, understand how you're writing your email.  Don't add a bunch of emojis to your signature, do not use slang, when in doubt, go more formal.  It's ok to incorporate your personality into the way that you write at work, especially between same ranking colleagues, but if you're young or informal in general - if you write too informal, you're going to be seen as young and immature.  There's also something to be said for not trying too hard and going way too formal.  Don't bust out the thesaurus in an attempt to sound smart if these aren't words you're using in your everyday life.  Understand the company culture, the person you're writing to, and how you want to represent yourself before you hit send.

Aggressive Verbiage

I've been victim of this before and I'm especially cognizant of it now.  I've gone too formal and come off extremely aggressive.  Do not use the "per my previous email."  Don't utilize language that feels like it's pointing fingers.  I'm a big proponent of picking up the phone in situations like these and summarizing in a follow up email to diffuse any unnecessary tension.  The point is, when you're angry or you're trying to get a point across and you're really in a passionate moment, slow down.  That's when you should be especially aware of how you're writing your email in order to avoid any ruffled feathers for no reason.  

The art of the email is very difficult in a world that is growing more informal by the day. Millennial tech companies are encouraging the relaxed lifestyle and way of engaging.  Be mindful and aware that while it's perfectly acceptable to forego the suit and tie way of life, don't let your guard down so much that your communication becomes sloppy.  Review everything before you send it.  When in doubt, ask for advice on how to manage a difficult email. 

Often times we spend about 80% of our business relationships in the digital space.  So who you are in email, is who people see you as in a professional setting.  Emails are in fact a huge part of your brand.  Do you want that image to be of someone who is sloppy and difficult to communicate with or do you rightfully want to be seen as a team player who cares about the details?

Second Chances

Second chances are not for everyone.  I get the whole everyone makes mistakes piece of life, but there's something to be said for forgiving and forgetting.  The older I get, the more I am in the camp of letting go and moving on from the bad things and embracing the future without them.

Obviously the option of the second chance depends largely on what that person did to you.  Are we talking cheated on you or are we talking told a small lie?  Did they steal from you or forget your birthday?

To dig even deeper - is this someone who constantly does the small things that hurt?  Because often times being consistently hurtful can feel just as awful as if a person did one big thing.

Either way, at the end of the day, you have to decide whether giving someone a second chance is putting your peace at risk or if it's something you are truly able to move on from.

I think we give too much romanticism to second chances.  We excuse behavior for friends and loved ones in order to make ourselves feel better or to avoid accepting a truth we know is there.  But realistically, people are who they show you they are.  That's not to say they cannot grow and be who you need them to be down the road, but in that time, if someone shows you a side of them, believe them.

I'm also of the camp that doesn't believe it's cold hearted to choose not to give someone a second chance.  It takes a really strong person to forgive and move forward without someone else.  And to truly move on, to release any anger or sorrow, and be true to your inner peace.  

Life is really short, and you don't get to do it twice.  I fail to understand how sacrificing your peace and happiness for anyone is worth doing.  If someone is causing me great pain, either all at once, or over a long period of time, they don't value me as they should and it's time to walk away.

I read a bunch of quotes when I started thinking about this piece.  And the one that stuck with me was:

"Whatever happens, never run back to what broke you."

I've spent a lot of time giving out second chances and embracing second guesses.  And all that's brought me is a time in my life when I was miserable.  I lacked the confidence to put my happiness and health above others and I failed to identify that its ok to stand up for myself in painful situations.  There's something to be said for second chances, but there's a lot more to be said for the people who would never risk making that an option.

Girl Gang

Do you guys remember when girls used to say "most of my friends are guys" or "I don't really get along well with other girls"?  Well I do - because I have absolutely been that girl and I cannot roll my eyes any harder at myself.

Thankfully - I've evolved and even more important, the world has evolved and we are in a fierce lady movement.  

As I was feeling extra grateful for the women in my life - I started to dig deeper into how I used to be the guy's girl and why I felt so proud of that label.  

I grew up a tomboy. An athlete.  Naturally, I was always around the boys.  I thrived on being well liked by men and identifying as someone they selected to be part of the inner circle.  I would poke fun at the women they poked fun at, roll my eyes at the girly girls, and pretended I was nothing like those girls.

Obviously I had all kinds of self esteem issues or I would have recognized that I was being just as awful as I pretended those other girls were.  But digging deeper - I think I had ingrained my value in what men thought of me.  And that I had to mold myself into what men wanted me to be.

I know what you're thinking and yes, this absolutely carried over into my dating life for a really long time.  I aimed to please; covered up my real self in order to be the perfect woman.  

Only until I discovered the importance of fierce lady friends did I truly learn to develop myself into the strong confident bad ass that you now see in front of you.  

Here's what I know for sure: Women who don't have female friends are not to be trusted.

I am more loving, fierce, and motivated because of the women in my life.  I am less judgmental, scared, and people pleasing because of the female influences around me. 

Don't get me wrong - my very best pal in the world is a man.  And he's the best out there.  But there's just something as a friend he cannot provide me as a man.  He keeps it real with me, encourages me to be everything I dream of, and he puts up with my psychotic breakdowns, but at the end of the day, I'm a girl.  And a girl needs other girls to relate to.

I think of my girl gang as my secret agents.  They're able to give me the heads up, the inside scoop, and the life lessons that go along with being female.  Chances are one of us has been through it, bought it, tried it - and has the down low for the rest of the squad.  

I'm not like other women.  I sometimes don't get along with types of women.  But I have a lot of female friends and I am thankful that they have taught me it's a damn good thing women are all different and don't all get along.  And because of that - I can appreciate and respect women can be and are whatever they want to be - but being one thing to fit one mold - is not it.  

In a Land Far Far Away...

I'm not sure if you've noticed - but I'm horribly terribly most awful when it comes to dating.  I don't know how to function in a world based on feelings.  There is only one romantic situation in which I feel most comfortable:

Long distance.

I know - you think I'm drunk.  Long distance relationships suck.  But to me - they're also not very real.  I can exist in a world of not ever having to truly commit myself to someone because realistically, its' not going to work anyways.  I'm mitigating the emotional risk.  Its strategic dating. 

Before you judge me - let's remember I am in fact in therapy and yes my therapist is aware that I often leave the state rather than simply not date someone.  I'm what you should can call emotionally a nightmare.  They should study me - honestly I half expect my therapist to suggest this soon.

Long distance relationships give me the butterflies of the relationship, but it's forced to go at such a slow pace - from such a distance - that I don't believe it's even a thing.  Hence - there's no real risk, or reason that I've got to push myself emotionally.  I like that.  That's just unhealthy enough to keep my therapist in business for years.

Now half of you are in long distance relationships or really into the fairytale and you're super offended right now.  You're thinking that's not my relationship, mine is successful and healthy and very real.  You know what?  It might be.  Seriously, what do I know?  

But for me - it's a sick balance of what do I do with my hands and please love me.  I don't even know what that means.  It sounded very introspective though.  Can I also clarify that I'm purely speaking to starting relationships as long distance?  If you've known each other and been friends or dated before becoming long distance - that's ideal - that's extra strategic dating and I need you to let me in on that because I think that's where I'm going to find my forever.

This all sounds really cynical, and I've got a surprise for you - I'm openly cynical about the long distance game because it represents everything unhealthy about the way I date.  The underlying evolution here is that long distance relationships have taught me my trigger for unhealthy dating patterns.  

Pay attention - the breakthrough is coming ...

I often choose relationships that are destined to fail.

It took me 31 years to process that dating the guy who isn't nice to me, cheats on me, isn't ready to commit - he's not the guy for me.  But you're 32 - I KNOW, can I finish?  This past year I've spent giving my time and energies to men who are nothing like that.  They're good men.  They're in it for the real deal.

And that's made me suspicious AF.  

I've seen all the bad ones - and I've probably been a bad person to date myself at times - so when you give me a man who shows up and is inherently kind, I'm attracted to him, and he's not in it for himself - I want to know his angle.

Fast forward to where I'm at now.  I have a gentleman suitor in my world who throws me for a loop.  I've known him for a long time.  We've developed as friends and whatever and I'm 75% sure that while we are not in a place to be an us right now - he's 98% real about his feelings and he's not just in it for this flawless bod.

And that's a trip.  We aren't dating.  We are not together -

Still single ya'll, please inquire within -

 - ANYWAYS -

We are absolutely in no way a thing.  He's a free agent (but don't inquire within, get your own).  Because of the nature of the places in life we are right now - I don't necessarily believe it can ever be a thing.  And I think that helps me have a more authentic relationship with him.  I absolutely say the wrong things, I self sabotage, and I'm awkward.  But because I know my triggers, I'm in an extra healthy place to test new me.

Do I secretly hope it could be the real deal one day?  I do.  And that's how I know, as much as I try to play it cool, I'm going to be ok in love.  

I'm aware of my triggers, I'm facing them, and I'm evolving.  And really, in a world where we are all just looking for someone to be weird with - that's all you can hope for.