World Peace.

Sometimes when I blog, I consider not talking about things.  A lot of what I talk about is relevant to what I'm going through at any given time.  And because of that, there are people that are most likely able to discern I am talking about them.  What I have to say, is not always flattering.  

So I often stop to reflect - is what I'm saying truthful?  Is it respectful?  And does it provide a greater lesson?  If it does - I'm going to say it.  

At the root of what I believe - as long as I'm doing no harm - I vow to be authentic and transparent in what I have to share with you.  Does that always make me the most popular person in the room?  No.  But this isn't high school, and I'm not campaigning for prom queen.

Some of you could even use a hot dose of a blog about you.  And some of you are wondering - "is she writing about me?"  Whether I am or not - chances are, if you relate to what I'm saying, if you worry the negative pieces could be about you - they probably are in some way speaking about you.

Again - one of those "Ashley, what the hell are you talking about?  Where are you going with this?  Did you pop the bubbly too much this week?"  The answer is - I'm not here for world peace.  I'm a good person, I'm not out to actively hurt anyone, but I'm at a point in my life where I can't afford not to say it.  

A lot of you do inspire me with things you say or do.  My relationships in life give me great revelations and enormous sources of content for my writing.  And I'm going to talk about it because a lot of us experience the same things and are too afraid to ask each other about how that made us feel/act/react/move forward/live life.  

My purpose in my blogging is to have the frank conversations - to not hold back.  And while it's early in my game, and I've got a lot more developing to do - I want you to know, world peace be damned - I'm gonna say the shit you're all thinking, and I'm hoping you'll say it with me.

Setback: A Reversal in Progress

I've got to be honest.  I've suffered a setback.  I've slipped back a bit to my old ways of working too much and allowing my stress to climb too high.

For me, the biggest weakness I have is to allow work to consume too much of my time and my mind.  I don't shut off the business and cause myself unnecessary stress.  Most of this is of my own doing.  I truly believe we all have a choice when it comes to work life balance.  

If you do not like where you're at, you either need to change your attitude or change your situation. 

I live by this motto and you should too.  We spend far too much time complaining and far too little time actively directing our own play.  And spare me the excuse that you're stuck for X, Y, or Z reason.  You're  stuck if you let yourself be stuck.  You move forward if you choose to take steps forward.

I've allowed myself to be consumed by my job because well, old habits die hard.  I've taken the stresses home and dwelled too long on the pieces I don't enjoy.  I can feel it in my lack of sleep, difficulty focusing, and my pulling away from the people around me.  I'm irritable, exhausted, and easily frustrated.  

It's not a fun realization when I see myself slipping back into my old way of living.  

Thankfully, I've caught myself on the downward slide and I'm confronting the issues head on.  I'm deciding to put a stop to it and turn myself right back around in a positive direction.

I know what you're thinking - am I going to change my attitude or change my situation?  Right now, in order to remain sane, I'm changing my attitude.  I'm stopping myself when I talk too much about the negative and I'm redirecting my energies to positive situations.  If at the end of the day I'm unable to exist in my situation after changing my attitude, then I'll change my situation.

Setbacks are inevitable.  Learning to change conditioned behavior is one of the hardest struggles out there.  And it only gets worse as we get older.  Take comfort in being able to recognize when you're faced with a setback.  Cut yourself a break as you reengage your focus and shift your energies to the right path.  A setback can easily be turned into one hell of a comeback if you're brave enough to try.  

Privilege

I'd like to share something with you.  I'm white.  Like grew up in the suburbs, 2 parents, 2 kids, 2 dogs, soccer on Saturday's - white.  Ok I'm Portuguese.  But unless it's July, you can easily tell, I'm a white woman who grew up middle class.  

Is my life perfect?  Not even a little bit.  People actually don't believe a lot of my stories because shit like that doesn't happen in real life.  Let me tell you - it does, it has, I made it through.  I wish someone gave me the souvenir photo but I probably threw it away because it didn't have a puppy filter.

I used to struggle with the idea of white privilege.  It absolutely used to offend me.  I doubted its existence.  Realistically though, I never took the time to understand it.

But I asked some questions, did some research, mostly talked to people other than myself, and then asked some questions of people who are like me and here's where I'm at:

Having privilege does not mean I have not struggled.  Being white is not something I'm expected to apologize for.  White privilege isn't a label I've got to wear that says my life is rainbows and unicorns.

For me - understanding that I have privilege just simply means I get my struggles are different than someone who grew up in the same world but is black.  Or Latino.  Or really anything other than white.

The thing is - I am white.  So while I can listen to the stories of those not like me - those without that privilege - I don't know what its like.  Realistically, I never will.

But I'd like to use my voice to speak about it because I would hope that others would do the same for me.  I'd really like to work towards making life a little more equal.  I know, bet you guys never figured me for a good person, I didn't either but here we are.

Now I get it - life isn't equal and it never will be.  And you don't ever have to apologize for the life you have.  Being born wealthy or lucky or privileged is not something you have to stand up and apologize for.  You don't owe anything to anyone.  In fact, if you want to call it life's lottery and leave it at that - go right ahead.  You may even believe everyone has the same shot and needs to put in the same work.  I'll give you that life is hard and takes a lot of effort.  But given two people who are giving the same effort, coming from the same background but one is a minority and one is not - history kiiiiiiind of shows us the white guy is going to win (and I don't say GUY on accident).

You know - while we're at it - someone remind me to do a piece on male privilege because I'm currently living in the South (Texas, calm down, you're the South to the rest of America) and male privilege is flourishing.

Cool Cool - back to privilege.  Here's the thing.  Privilege is also widely associated with wealth.  And it's associated with being bad - making privileged people bad.  It doesn't mean any of that.  I'm not wealthy (Why hasn't anyone started a Go Fund me for this lifestyle) and I'm not even that bad of a person.  But there are people out there who will experience struggles I won't ever experience, simply because of the color of their skin. 

To recap - privilege is not something to apologize for, to feel guilty for, or to even take on as a burden.  But if you realize it's there - it is an opportunity to learn about the struggles of other people and to work for inclusion in a world that quite frankly is trying to be anything but.

2018

Happy New Year Sequins!

I have no idea what just happened to 2017 because I swear to God I just moved to Texas 20 minutes ago, but here we are, January 1, 2018.  Holy shit.

I'm sitting here trying to reflect on 2017 and I honestly just have a lot of memories on an airplane watching Girl's Trip 32 times laughing obnoxiously while Carol from Iowa shot me dirty looks from peasant class.  STFU Carol, let me live my first class life.

2017 brought me to yet a new state.  It brought me a whole new career in a whole new industry I honestly knew nothing about.  For the first 6 months, I mostly got by on charm and pure grit.  The second 6 months I've questioned myself, my skillset, and everything about what I know.  And at the end of every day, I have reminded myself I didn't get here without earning every moment.

2017 brought me the strength to commit to my mental health.  It got me into therapy, into actually trying to tell my anxiety to step TF off, and it's challenged me to chill out.

2017 has brought me a body I'm in love with more than I have been since being 98 pounds and growing boobs.  Because of my discovery of new ways to workout that don't bring me pain, I am physically stronger, healthier, and happier.  And I'm surely not 98 pounds.  Still got those boobs though.

2017 has brought me new people.  Who knew a liberal agnostic loud crude (but really pretty) California girl could find one of her closest friends in a Christian big hearted Texan (Be cool guys - she was born in California and her family is just the bees knees). 

2017 has brought me closer to me.  It's challenged me to face things I frankly don't like thinking about and forced me to feel things I'm not fond of feeling.  Because of that - it's given me confidence in this sparkly yet out of her mind woman I've become.  It's also taught me when to face my flaws, apologize when I need to - and move TF on when I don't.

2017 I don't really know if you even happened because I swear it's still January and I just got to Texas, it was snowing and I couldn't by alcohol before Noon on Sunday.  But here we are - 2018 and I'm itching to see where it takes me.  All I know is don't miss me with that First Class ticket.

Science.

I'd like to throw you for a loop.  I'm a romantic.

I know right - you really were not expecting that one.  Neither was I.  But here we are.  Therapeutic breakthrough.

Maybe I should clarify, I'm a realistic romantic.  Like I'm not moving across the country for love without some sound lists and research, but I'll fight fiercely when I believe in a relationship.

Which brings me to my point.   Science.  Chemistry to be exact.  

Chemistry, real chemistry with another human being is rare.  I'd like to define it as undefinable.  A spark, a fire, a feeling you can't ignore.  I can count on one hand how many times I've had real chemistry with someone.  And I'm hoping it stays that way.

Science.  I like that chemistry is a scientific principle.  Practical me enjoys that there's a realistic basis for the draw I feel.  Romantic me, she's into the spicy feels that encompasses.  The unexplainable pull I have for whatever reason.  

Ya'll chemistry.  I am for all of the chemistry.  Chemistry cannot be forced.  And it's not easy to ignore.  You can lie to yourself about it, you can pretend it's not there - but it's going to find you. 

Unfortunately - chemistry is not always what dictates your person.  It certainly cannot sustain an entire relationship.  But without real chemistry, I don't believe a relationship is worth giving your energies too.  

Timing can keep everyone apart.  Fear can keep everyone from being honest.

There are a lot of outside entities that keep people apart.  But the romantic in me hopes that when you find real chemistry, you give it a shot.  Whether that means telling that person how you feel, owning the emotions within yourself, or going all in - do yourself a favor, and give science a shot.  

The Reason for the Season

I'm so basic when it comes to the Holiday season, I can't stand me either.  I'm a sucker for the glitz, the cheer, the food - everything.  And while I may not be religious - I'll never forget the reason for the season is gratitude.

Gratitude for a time to reset, a time to be with the ones you love, and time for appreciating the possibilities of the future.

It's pretty true the Holidays are quite Hallmark.  But this is probably the one time that I couldn't care less.

So much of life is a hustle.  It's a routine of work hard, work harder, find time for fun, sleep, and repeat.  Having an entire season dedicated to finding time to slow down and believing in magic is something we can all afford to let consume us a bit.

I am grateful for the time off, the extra time spent with my family and friends, and the extra sparkle in the world.

Whatever the reason for your season - I hope it brings you joy and I hope you have the best Holiday season - whatever that means to you!

Diary of an Anxious Person, Part 6832

In the last 3 months, I've had some real struggles as well as real successes with my anxiety.  It's odd to feel both in a place of setback and a place of growth, but I am somewhere in the middle of both.

And something I've realized lately is that being an anxious person means balancing between having bad days and having good ones.  That we have moments where we feel at our worst, but as long as we are recognizing them, we are working towards being our best.  And the more you can keep yourself in the middle of setback and growth, the more you are able to keep a balanced life on your journey with anxiety.

As simple as that seems, for people with anxiety, we crave that far right end of the spectrum, that normal.  It never truly occurs to someone with anxious thinking to exist happily in the middle.  I've mostly thought of the world of mental health as either you've got mental health struggles or you're normal - and that's incredibly wrong.  The healthiest mental state is that middle of the spectrum balance.

So my focus these last three months has been to find the place that I can have anxious out of control moments and then be able to look to the other end of the scale to find peace.  

When I have a day that feels overwhelmingly stressful, I consider it a huge success to not breakdown.  Because lately - there have been some days that I have wanted to break down.  But I don't.  The time I spend in my chaotic mindset is less.  The time coming back from it, and focusing on how to either change my mindset or change my situation is occupying way more of my day.

For me - this is a breakthrough.  It's a new way of understanding how to exist in a healthier mindset and hopefully build a long term plan.  I've still got some unreasonable days and ridiculous reactions.  And that sucks.  It probably always will.  But living a balanced life with anxiety and mental health issues is very possible.

It's on you to put the time and effort in and make the active decision to take responsibility to be the best human possible.  

The Birds and the Bees and the Me's

Sex is a very personal thing.  And yet these days, it seems to be at the forefront of conversation, in the media, and in pop culture.  You might be surprised to learn that I'm a bit old fashioned in that I believe a person's sex life is theirs to dictate and discuss.

As a woman, we navigate a really tricky world when it comes to our sex lives.  There are expectations and judgments, assumptions and attitudes. They're all ridiculous.  

A few weeks ago, a man asked me what the rule was for women as far as when we have sex with new partners.  

A week ago an acquaintance mentioned I didn't seem like the kind of girl who would sleep with a man I wasn't seriously dating.

Yesterday, a friend I've known for years told me I had vastly changed my views on sexual relationships throughout the time they've known me.

The truth?  There are no rules for when women can have sex with anyone.  I am the kind of girl, who will make whatever decision she pleases with her own body, and as I've grown and changed, my views on my personal sexual choices have absolutely changed.

Part of being a woman who believes in equality is that I believe every woman has the right to make her own decisions about her sex life - free of judgment from anyone - as long as she is safe and she is doing things that make her happy.  It is absolutely nobody else's business what any of us want to do as long as we are not hurting anyone else.

Stop utilizing labels, passing judgment, feeling like you have the right to anyone's sex life - you don't.  

Do not tell a woman she is the type of girl to do anything - do not assume she is the type of woman to be anything.  

You are allowed to determine your own opinions and decisions with your body and who you allow into your romantic life because of those decisions -but you do not get to decide that for anyone else.  

The Wave

Unless you're living under a rock, you're aware of the wave of sexual harassment and assault allegations in the news.  It seems like every day another high profile man is being accused (and often proven) to be someone who has participated in sexual harassment or assault.  

As someone who has unfortunately experienced both - I feel torn by the number of women and men coming forward.  

I am proud of the victims for coming forward.

I am relieved we are talking about something that is not uncommon.

I cringe because I know the pressure on these victims to prove what they have gone through

I am scared that most likely, some of these accusers are lying and thus setting the rest of us back.

I have been a victim of sexual harassment and sexual assault.  More than once.  While I am more comfortable discussing the sexual harassment I have faced both in my daily life and at the office, I haven't even talked about the assault to my family.  I did not report it.  I still do not feel comfortable talking about it.  And I am not alone.

I've worked in sports most of my life.  I'm generally at home in environments that are a little less business formal and a little more frat party.  It takes a lot to offend me.  And it's damn near impossible to make me feel uncomfortable.  

But when I am confronted at my hotel room by a drunk colleague, sent sexual text messages by the President of my company, and had my chest grabbed at a bar - I feel violated.  

When I am told to wear a low cut top to a meeting with all men, that the best part about watching me at practice is my boobs bouncing, and having a deal fall through because I wouldn't go out with the owner - I feel devalued.  

Sexual harassment, the PTSD from it, the stress of having to relive it - to prove it happened - to explain why it is a big deal - it's all very real.  

The fear of when to come forward, how to come forward, what's going to happen when you do - it's all very real.

A lot of being a victim is feeling things in waves.  You feel shame.  You question your experience.  You feel brave enough to speak up.  You feel fear for what that results in.  You feel proud for standing up for your worth.  You feel everything.  It's highs and lows and everything in between.  I haven't gotten off of that wave yet, I'm not sure I ever will.

For once, I'm not here to prove a point.  I don't aim to change anyone's mind.  If you don't believe in the seriousness of sexual harassment - if you don't understand the defining principle behind sexual assault - I cannot help you.  If the battle you choose to fight is to prove these women wrong when the evidence shows otherwise - there's not much hope for you to begin with.  

I don't know what my driving message is or my call to action.  I haven't been able to tell my entire story nor heal from how that story has changed my path, who am I to provide anyone with a solution?  I'll leave you with this -- 

Keep your hands to yourself.  If it feels wrong, it is.  If you have to justify your actions, they were wrong.

Raise your tiny humans to do better, be better, and act better.  Challenge yourself to be kinder, respect each other more, and listen to learn.  Choose to surround yourself with people who value human decency, challenge the status quo, and force you to leave others better than you found them.

Let It Snow

I love the snow.  Give me 20 degrees and snowflakes over 75 and sunny any day of the week.  

I believe there's a power in snow.  It represents a fresh start, a simplicity - a toughness that has this sparkly exterior.  

Right, snow is just Mother Nature, science, part of the life cycle.  But to me, snowflakes make my soul shine.  

Every year since I can remember (potentially choose to remember, unclear) - I have spent time in the snow. And if you ask me if I'd rather be on a beach in the Bahamas or a chalet in Aspen - besides asking you to pay for both - I'm going to choose Aspen (and who's stopping at Costco for wine?).  

I'm convinced I'm actually a better person in the snow.  I smile more, feel more confident, and let myself dream more about frivolous possibilities.  Cool - its December when it snows (I'm into California snow not Minnesota snow, I am not an animal) - so that probably lends itself to the new possibilities and dreaming.  Kind of you to bring me back to reality.

Back to Snowland where I don't have to keep it real. I 've got the time, the blank white slate, and the warm liquor - to plot my next moves.  

I'm not really sure what my motivation behind this piece (what us serious writers call our work) is.  I'm certainly not in the middle of any real new beginning.  I'm not at some big turning point where I've got to make big decisions and embark into a new chapter.  

But I am always convinced that this fairytale I've made snow out to be - is a big contributor to my constant need to seek the next adventure. It keeps me from settling in any one space too long.  The snow is an easy place to hit my reset button and reflect on my current groove.

The way the snow makes everything start fresh again makes me wonder if that's where I get my constant need to do the same.

Maybe my point is that you've got a whole lot of opportunities to start fresh.  And no matter what's going on, the world can reset to neutral.  You can become something new.  Wash away that day before.  Not everyone was meant to be sunshine where the livin's easy.  Some people are destined to cover the world over and over again with the new ways they make the world sparkle.