Things My Therapist Tells Me

My therapist thinks I'm not half bad.

She tells me that I am generally not failing.

That I am a decent human being.

And if I keep going to her - I'm going to start buying into all this self love.

For the first 64 of my 32 years on Earth, I didn't believe in therapy.  I saw it as validating a fear that I might not be as strong as I think I am.  That it was embarrassing to need to ask for professional help.  I never thought that talking to a stranger would provide much in the way of fixing any of my problems.

But here I am - excited to meet with my therapist.

Which is a really good sign for my future.  

Rational Ashley really enjoys the perspective of a stranger.  I'm into the fact that it doesn't matter what this human thinks of me - she's truly got no skin in the game.  I don't have to put up any societal expectations, she's honestly just there to listen to me.  I can say all of the things I think, feel, and fear.  And in return, she challenges me to understand the why behind these things without pressuring me to rush into solutions or even accept the root of the issue.

I dig everything about how that allows me the freedom to figure this new world out at my own pace.  I also think she can tell I'm a bit of a baby deer in that if you push me to have more than 2 feelings in any given hour, I'll probably just leave.

So - let's get specific. 

Right now - we are honestly working on words for feelings.  Seriously. 

She handed me this list of words to talk about what I feel, what feelings I want to feel, and what things look like when I'm in a good place, bad place - and what I want certain relationships to make me feel.

It's  a lot of feelings.  And a lot of words. 

I had no idea that there were so many words to describe emotions.

But there's also room for lists.  And lists man.  I love lists. 

My therapist really gets me when she starts talking about lists.

As simple as it may seem, being able to look at a list of words to help me communicate what's going on in my head has been extremely beneficial to my everyday mood.  Sure, its been a few days, but I find myself slowing down and taking the time to consider what word to associate with what's going on - and identifying those words equips me with how to react to the feeling.  And it's giving me better tools to communicate those feels to other people.

I'm not super comfortable with all this emotion and feels and being faced with actively exploring because it's still new and I've still got this stigma that feelings are for the weak, people don't really care about your feelings, and donuts are better than both.

But here we are.  In therapy.  Lesson 1 at that.  It's a lot.  But then again, so am I.

Stay tuned...

The Art of Never Growing Up

I love glitter.  Sparkles make me smile.  I dress up at work on Halloween.  I went to Disneyland by myself once because my friend didn't want to go.  Finding Nemo is one of my favorite movies of all time.  I am also successful in my career.  I pay my own bills.  I take my vitamins and cook my own meals.  But at heart, I am a child.

And I hope I never grow up.

Life is really hard and really serious.  Between work pressure, paying endless bills, violence, relationships, the state of politics - I honestly don't know how we all don't lose our shit on a daily basis.  

My way of staying sane in a chaotic world is to remember how awesome it was to be a kid.  It's to never be too adult to have a good time.  And it's certainly not to ever become so wrapped up in the idea of being grown up to have fun.

I think there's a really fine line between immature and someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.  And it takes work to juggle having fun and being able to flip the switch to business Barbie.  But as long as you're handling your responsibilities and exceeding expectations - there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a good time.

I've absolutely been told to grow up on many occasions.  That I'm too old to do this or like that.  That to be taken seriously I need to be serious more often.  I find that extremely ignorant.  I don't trust anyone who doesn't know how to have a little fun and remember that for most of us - we aren't saving lives.

The most creative and innovative people I know recognize the art of play, laughter, and being a kid again.  Without the ability to think outside of the box, relax the suit and tie, or laugh at yourself - you're really wasting happiness.  I also think you're not maximizing your career potential if you're too serious.  If you're not willing to look like an idiot - you're missing out on a lot of the best business opportunities.

Before you tell me to grow up - think about learning to loosen up and high five your inner kid.  I promise you'll gain a lot fuller life if you do. 

Ladybug Life

One of my favorite humans in the world often refers to "The Ladybug Life."  And besides being absolutely adorable - she's onto something.

The ladybug life has many meanings, but at the root - it's the life of a woman who can pickup and fly away wherever her heart takes her.  The ladybug life is meant for free spirits.  For women who are confident, adventurous, and who feel a deep connection with doing what makes their soul feel on fire.

I'm sure I've adapted her meaning to fit my own selfish needs - but I think that's part of what being a ladybug stands for.  Being a ladybug means being open to whatever the world brings to you and choosing to see each of these situations as an opportunity to expand your journey.

Traditionally, ladybugs are also thought to be very lucky.  If they land on you, it's a sign of great fortune.  They are warriors, and they are beautiful and they are easily able to adjust their wings to the wind.

As you go about your day, think of the ladybug and know that as long as you focus on life as a journey, one you can adjust to meet your needs, you're always going to be ok.  Choose the ladybug life and you're never stuck, you're never lost - you're just one quick turn away from spreading your wings and taking off on your next adventure.

It's a ladybug life for me!

Career Corner: Episode 3482, Work Stress

I have decided to call my career/business related posts: Career Corner!  I will most likely forget I have decided this by the time I write the next blog, but for today, career corner it is!

On today's episode of career corner, we talk about work stress.  I don't care what your career is, how much you love your company/boss/job - there will always be work stress and it will always feel like the most unbearable thing that ever existed.  

Some careers and industries are more stressful than others and some people handle stress better than others, but the common denominator is that we will all go through it.

So how do you manage work stress?  As someone who works in one of the top 5 most stressful industries in the world, I like to think I am partially qualified to speak on this all too common topic.  

Take a Breath

When work stress hits the first thing you need to do is take a breath and step outside the situation.  Take 30 seconds to take a breath, digest, and gain perspective.  If you don't take a moment to pull back from the situation - the stress just builds and you're not able to get an overview of what's happening.  That's how you lose your shit and get fired.

Problem Solve

When you've taken your breath and inventory of the cause of the stress, start problem solving.  I tell my staff to never be afraid to bring me stressful situations but do make sure you've come up with a few solutions before you bring me the problem.  When you have even one potential solution, you're able to calm your nerves and see that nothing is impossible.

Reflect

Why is this stress happening?  Did you cause the stress?  Is the stress warranted?  Did someone else cause the stress?  Figuring out where it came from and why (or if its even necessary stress) is how you can potentially prevent future stress as well as manage it moving forward.

In the moment - these three steps will help you to effectively and professionally manage a really stressful situation.  But how do you manage everyday stress and set yourself up for future incidents?

Find a Distraction

Take a walk.  Grab coffee.  Call a friend.  Whatever you're able to do that gives you immediate joy, do it.  Make sure you're setting up your workspace to maximize your center.  Eat healthy.  Drink your water.  Bring photos that make you smile.  Surround yourself with distractions that lift you up and keep you in a generally good head space.  

Communicate

If you're in a situation where others are the cause of your stress, communicate with them.  Often times, people aren't aware of their actions and having a respectful conversation with the right people can develop relationships that promote teamwork and teach others how to properly do their part to make work life less stressful.

Step Away from Work

Leave work at work.  I know, I'm terrible at this.  But bein able to shut off work when you leave will hugely affect your headspace.  Don't read emails.  Turn off the work cell.  Go to the gym.  Cook meals.  Enjoy time with your friends and family.  Do the things that enrich who you are outside of the 9-5 and you will make a huge difference in who you are at work.  Do not let your work stress consume your entire world.

Be Self Aware

Are you the cause of your work stress?  Are you making things stressful that don't need to be?  Are you perhaps in an industry that really isn't the best fit for you?  Do a self check in and determine if you can do anything to mitigate work stress.  Sometimes we create stress for ourselves that simply doesn't exist.  And sometimes we work in jobs that aren't the right fit.  Take responsibility and do the work to help ease the stress in your professional life.

 I wish I could tell you that I've been able to completely manage my work stress, overcome, and lead some Zen work life - but I'm human.  I have days that I am completely overwhelmed, threaten to leave, and consider moving to Europe.  I quickly remember that I am not a billionaire, need to pay bills to give my dog a better life, utilize the tools in my arsenal, and reset my mind to fight back against the stress. 

Thankful.

Its the annual celebration of giving thanks.  And while I am thankful for so many things every single day - it's fun to acknowledge those things publicly.  Especially since Santa has surely not purchased all of my presents yet.  

This year - I'm thankful for a lot.  I know, every year I'm thankful for a lot.  But 2017 (2016 too now that I think about it) has been a doozy.  You know what, the past 5 years have been years of incredible highs and lows.  So that's given me more time to reflect on some of the things I'm thankful for.

First - I'm thankful for the insane lows of the past year.  Didn't see that coming did you?  Well I am.  I'm thankful because for the first time in my life, I feel indestructible.  On my own.  As myself.  I know that anything that comes at me, I'm in a position to overcome.

I am also thankful for the people that have been placed in my world.  For the humans who have becomes my support.  I'm thankful for your patience with me, your challenging me to open up and rely on you, and for reminding me that I am pretty awesome.

I'm thankful or growing up.  For oddly letting 32 feel like a defining year when its nothing but a number.  It's only been a month and I feel like 32 has challenged me to own being an adult on my own terms.

Social media.  I have a love/hate relationship with social media but I am thankful for how it's allowing me to slowly give me hope that my dream of being a writer could become a thing. One day.  

My dog.  Obviously.  I'm thankful for your unconditional love and for teaching me that everything in the world is exciting if you let it be. 

I'm thankful for so many things.  And writing them down, gives my soul a little extra shine.  What are you thankful for sequins?

Feminism

fem·i·nism

[ˈfeməˌnizəm]

NOUN

1. the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

Today, I want to refresh what feminism means and why I'm a feminist.  While we've definitely made 2017 the year of the woman - I think in all of the happenings in the world - some people have either forgotten what feminism means and what true feminists are fighting for or they’ve turned feminism into villanism. 

Feminism is not a dirty word.  Feminism is powerfully positive.  

Feminism is (amongst many other things):

1. The belief in equality of the sexes
2. A fight to bring women's interests and rights to the forefront of politics
3. A social rights movement
4. Bringing education about women's interests and rights to the public eye
5. Encouraging women to stand up for themselves and their beliefs - even when we do not agree on the same beliefs

Feminism is not (among many other things):

1. Women who hate men
2. Women attempting to take away rights of men (unless they infringe upon equality)
3. Emasculating men
4. Only for Democrats
5. Only about reproductive rights

Feminism is believing women should have the same rights in this country as men do.  And it's believing women have a voice that is just as important as any man's.  And real feminists believe that while we may not all agree with each other, we will fight for your right to believe in those values (unless they direct hate or inequality to others).  

I am a feminist because I believe in myself.  I am a feminist because I believe in other women.  I am a feminist because I first and foremost value equality over hate, ignorance, and creating laws that exclude others based upon gender, sexuality, or race. 

I believe I should be paid the same as men.  I believe I should make choices about my body without interference from others.  I believe my voice is just as powerful as any man's.  I believe I am worthy of as much respect as any man.  I believe I am more than what I look like. 

I am a feminist and I believe in equality.

Before you bash feminism, call feminists "feminazis" or refer to the movement as exclusive, angry, or for women only - educate yourself.  Do the research, talk to women who are fighting for what feminism actually stands for.  The world would be a whole lot better if we were all feminists.

The Easiest Relationship of Them All

Growing up - I was a people pleaser.  I never really knew who I was, who I wanted to be, or what I stood for.  So when it came to friendships, I put in a lot of work because I wanted to be liked and I craved having the inner circle that I saw those around me so easily obtaining.  For about 30 years of my life - I have thought that friendships were about putting in the same work you would in a romantic relationship.  And that's left me feeling really drained in a lot of my friendships.

Over the years I've matured, discovered who I am, and I've cut out the friendships that don't provide me any positivity.  But I've still got some growing to do in the area of choosing which friendships to invest in and which to let go.

One of my soulmates recently told me that friendships are the easiest relationships we have.  They are the only relationship that we get to choose because they enrich our lives.  You cannot choose your family and they are not easy to simply walk away from.  And when you're invested in a romantic relationships you cannot (or should not) be easily able to cut that out of your world.  But with friendships - you can truly say this person brings me happiness and I want them in my life.  If they don't, I will release them from my space.

I don't know why I found that so enlighteningly simple.  And I don't know why I've never seen friendships in this way.  I don't know why I'm 32 years old and still allow friends into my world who don't make it a better place.  

Maybe all of you are reading this and you're thinking I'm absolutely out of my mind.  That you've known this for years and you're out there balancing the best friendships and braiding each other's hair as we speak.  But I'm an OCD, type A, bleeding heart and I have a daily struggle between who to cut from the team and who to get matching tattoos with.  I've been told that for being someone who hates feelings and comes off cold at times - I'm a child with stars in her eyes who refuses to believe anyone is anything but inherently good.

Wake up Silva - life isn't all glitter and rainbows.  People aren't all good.  And they aren't all worth my time, energy, or sparkle.  Being able to break down who I commit my awesome soul to should be as easy as who makes me happy.  I should be able to be selfish with where I direct my attention.  And I should start 32 years ago. 

My takeaway for today is to remember that life and relationships are complicated.  Friendships should be simple.  If someone is not adding positivity to you universe, subtract them.   

Rollercoaster of Life

Life is like a roller coaster.  It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns - you are never always on top and you are never stuck at the bottom.  

There is a lot of pressure in society to constantly be on.  To define success by always being in a great place.  But in reality - life is in constant transition.  You cannot possibly always have it all and to pretend you do is a really sad, exhausting lie.

In my past - I have fallen victim to the  pressure to prove myself.  To show those around me that I am in fact successful because I'm always onto the next step.  Truthfully, I've had some incredible success, failures, and unfortunate lessons that weren't really a success or a failure.  I've been laid off, accepted my dream job, been unemployed for 6 months, made a Division One track program, been consistently injured, felt incredible about myself, and been at the absolute bottom of the bottom.  

The point is - stop trying to be anything to anyone but yourself.  Stop pressuring yourself to prove you're a success to the masses and start focusing on how you define success for yourself.  

I used to define success by money and career status.  The more I've grown and asked myself why I felt that way - the more I've learned that my success is surviving my struggles, finding joy, and creating relationships that make me feel good.  

Do I want to have a successful career with financial stability?  Absolutely.  But I want a career that gives me passion, happiness - and fills my bank account so that I can travel and spend time with my humans.  I don't care if I'm the CEO of the Universe - that might impress Facebook, but if I'm unhappy, that's a failure.

Equally - a year ago I was laid off from a job I hated.  I made the decision to move home because I didn't want to build a life in LA anymore and financially - I needed to be smarter.  I was 31 and living at home.  It took me 6 months to find a job I was willing to accept and build a future on.  During that time - I was told by people very close to me that I was failing.  That I had done so much only to fall so far.  At first - I was mortified and started to believe what I was being told.  But something happened - I also got really protective of myself.  I did not consider myself failing.  Was it easy?  Was it where I wanted to be?  Absolutely not.  But I did not fail.  I was not at my lowest low.  I needed that time to regroup, make sure I was setting myself up for success financially, and to not rush into another bad situation.  I am not embarrassed by that time in my life.  It was part of my rollercoaster.  

In relationships, in careers, in health and in happiness - life will not be a constant peak.  You will fall and tumble and fall again.  You will rise and stay so high and then plateau and peak again.  Every single person in the world lives by this pattern.  You are not unique in having the roller coaster experience.  Take comfort in the fact that we all go through things that none of us see.  And remember in that vain - because you can't see everyone's highs and lows - we are all fighting battles and celebrating successes you know nothing about.  

You don't owe your story to anyone.  You don't have to show the world anything but what you choose to share.  The more you find the confidence to do what lights your world on fire - the less you need validation from society around you.

You are the one who has to live with each choice you make.  The people you're trying so hard to show your amazing life to - they don't matter.  They aren't part of your story, they're spectators to the world you present to them.  What do you want your life to look like, feel like, and say to your soul?

Genetic Counseling

I know genetic counseling can be controversial.  Some people would rather not know.  Others not only want all the information, they're willing to take drastic measures to cut down the risk of disease.  I'm in the second group.  I want as much knowledge as possible and I want to take all preventative measures.  I'm willing to endure temporary discomfort to better my future.  

If you are group A - you can stop reading now, this one isn't for you.  The rest of you, buckle up, this one is important.

Cancer has unfortunately become all too common for many of us and our families.  My family is not immune to this.  Because of that, I've decided to become informed about my risk for this horrible disease.

Genetic counseling is a process used to evaluate and understand a patient or relative's risk of an inherited medical condition.  Genetic counselors advise of the probability of developing or transmitting the disease and options open to management and family planning.

Simply put: your genetic counselor is someone who works with you to determine whether or not a disease is genetic, the likelihood of you developing it in your life, and how to react to whichever outcome is determined.

As a side bar - healthcare can be expensive.  Financial factors often play into our decisions in preventative medicine.  My insurance covers genetic testing if I follow the recommended process.  As I walk through my experience, I will note financial implications.  Please make sure before you go through genetic counseling to reach out to your insurance company to find out what your options are.

I made my appointment with Baylor Health Cancer Center here in Dallas, Texas after my primary care physician recommended I meet with a counselor due to the heavy presence of cancer on both sides of my family (this means I only had a copay for my one hour initial consultation). 

Prior to my appointment I filled out an extensive family history for both sides of my immediate family.  Everything from ages to age of cancer diagnosis to results of their genetic testing was on this questionnaire.  When I arrived for my appointment this document was relied upon to give initial recommendations for testing.

When I arrived to meet my genetic counselor she explained to me in detail the latest discoveries in genetic testing as well as step by step what to expect from my appointment.  Ultimately she decided that the best route to give me accurate results would be to have a familial member who currently or recently had cancer complete more genetic testing.  From this we can determine whether or not the cancer is gene related.  She explained that if I still wanted to get tested I could pay a lot of money (about $500-$1,000) and then even if I do test positive, that doesn't determine if I have a familial cancer gene, it could just mean I personally have a defect.  But if I waited to find out results from my family member, we could determine more accurate information.   The entire process at Baylor Health was easy and comfortable.  From check in to meeting with my counselor, I feel lucky for the experience I have had.

I'm explaining this all very briefly - mostly because I'm not a doctor and every journey is unique.  But I chose to wait and have my family member get further genetic testing before I move forward with any testing of my own.  From here, when we receive her results we will be able to determine if her cancer is genetic or not.  If she does show up positive for a genetic mutation - I will then get tested to see if the gene has passed down to me.  

If I test negative, it does not mean I will not eventually be diagnosed with cancer.  It just means I don't have the familial gene that gives me higher risk for the disease.  And if I test positive it does not guarantee I will be diagnosed with the disease, it just makes it more likely.  And within those 21 genes that doctors are currently testing, each can tell you about a different type of cancer within the entire cancer family.  Again - these tests are informational, they do not guarantee you anything either way.  Be cognizant of lifestyle factors as well as you're educating yourself.

I have thought briefly about what I will do either way.  And while I can debate options all I want, I need to know results before I can consider anything.  There are just too many outcomes to make an informed decision for my next steps.

The entire process is not short.  It's intense, it's lengthy, and it requires digging out a lot of information.  I'm only on step two  But I left that appointment feeling informed and empowered.  I'm excited to learn about my family genetic risk and what my options are moving forward.

For now - I wait!  As I learn more, I will keep you posted on the implications.  I'm very passionate about cancer research and education and while health is a very personal journey, I want to inspire others to educate themselves and seek preventative healthcare that works for them.  

Stay tuned sequins...

Actively Exhausted

When it comes to being active in social responsibility, I am certainly not quiet.  I have been very vocal regarding my beliefs and actions.  I believe it is our responsibility as humans to speak up. Recently, I've felt exhausted.  Every time I sit down to type a blog about women's rights, racial equality, healthcare - whatever it may be - I feel too drained to get anything on the page.

I have so much passion inside me for human rights and social policy and yet lately - I can't find the emotional capacity to write about it, let alone talk about it.  I want people to understand the importance of #MeToo (or really understand it at all for some of you who think its only about sexual harassment).  I want people to get the value of taking a knee and use the conversation to take action.  I need for women's bodies to be under our own control and for the rest of the world to realize how wrong it is to have any control over my reproductive system.  And at the same time - I need a break from all of this.

I don't want to hear how privileged I am to be able to shut my eyes and cover my ears from the world - even if for only 5 minutes.  I know that I am lucky that I don't live every second of the horrifying world some people do as a result of hate, ignorance - or just plain shitty policy.  Someone else will always have it worse than I do.  It's simply how the world turns.  We are all better off and worse off than someone else out there.

I digress - I. Am. EXHAUSTED.  And I started thinking - if I'm exhausted, there are probably a lot of other people out there feeling the same way.  I don't know how else to explain to other people that they should care about other people.  I don't know how to look someone in the eye and challenge them to consider we need to work together or none of us will make it.  I just don't know how else to fight for what's right.

Unlike my other blogs - I don't have a solution.  I don't have steps to make this better.  I want to hear from YOU.  How do you keep up the energy, the fire, and the fight?  I am not ignorant, I am aware that I have a very small impact on this thing.  But I also know if I give up, someone else is thinking of giving up, and pretty soon - the movement ends.  The people who don't care, win.  And everyone ultimately loses.  

So what do you do?  How do you re-energize your passions?  Let me know sequins, I want to keep doing my part and I want to prevent this burnout for the future.  Help a sister out!