Rollercoaster of Life

Life is like a roller coaster.  It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns - you are never always on top and you are never stuck at the bottom.  

There is a lot of pressure in society to constantly be on.  To define success by always being in a great place.  But in reality - life is in constant transition.  You cannot possibly always have it all and to pretend you do is a really sad, exhausting lie.

In my past - I have fallen victim to the  pressure to prove myself.  To show those around me that I am in fact successful because I'm always onto the next step.  Truthfully, I've had some incredible success, failures, and unfortunate lessons that weren't really a success or a failure.  I've been laid off, accepted my dream job, been unemployed for 6 months, made a Division One track program, been consistently injured, felt incredible about myself, and been at the absolute bottom of the bottom.  

The point is - stop trying to be anything to anyone but yourself.  Stop pressuring yourself to prove you're a success to the masses and start focusing on how you define success for yourself.  

I used to define success by money and career status.  The more I've grown and asked myself why I felt that way - the more I've learned that my success is surviving my struggles, finding joy, and creating relationships that make me feel good.  

Do I want to have a successful career with financial stability?  Absolutely.  But I want a career that gives me passion, happiness - and fills my bank account so that I can travel and spend time with my humans.  I don't care if I'm the CEO of the Universe - that might impress Facebook, but if I'm unhappy, that's a failure.

Equally - a year ago I was laid off from a job I hated.  I made the decision to move home because I didn't want to build a life in LA anymore and financially - I needed to be smarter.  I was 31 and living at home.  It took me 6 months to find a job I was willing to accept and build a future on.  During that time - I was told by people very close to me that I was failing.  That I had done so much only to fall so far.  At first - I was mortified and started to believe what I was being told.  But something happened - I also got really protective of myself.  I did not consider myself failing.  Was it easy?  Was it where I wanted to be?  Absolutely not.  But I did not fail.  I was not at my lowest low.  I needed that time to regroup, make sure I was setting myself up for success financially, and to not rush into another bad situation.  I am not embarrassed by that time in my life.  It was part of my rollercoaster.  

In relationships, in careers, in health and in happiness - life will not be a constant peak.  You will fall and tumble and fall again.  You will rise and stay so high and then plateau and peak again.  Every single person in the world lives by this pattern.  You are not unique in having the roller coaster experience.  Take comfort in the fact that we all go through things that none of us see.  And remember in that vain - because you can't see everyone's highs and lows - we are all fighting battles and celebrating successes you know nothing about.  

You don't owe your story to anyone.  You don't have to show the world anything but what you choose to share.  The more you find the confidence to do what lights your world on fire - the less you need validation from society around you.

You are the one who has to live with each choice you make.  The people you're trying so hard to show your amazing life to - they don't matter.  They aren't part of your story, they're spectators to the world you present to them.  What do you want your life to look like, feel like, and say to your soul?

Negativity: A Cycle

I know it probably seems like my whole life I've been this happy, sparkly, positive Polly.  I talk a lot about shiny things and glitter and rainbows.  But alas, I have not always been the Sunshine that I am today.  And even being the ray of sequins that I am - I have days where my sparkle dulls just a little.

 Today, we talk about the type A people out there who are harder on themselves than anyone could ever be to them.  The people who get caught in a cycle of negativity and quickly spiral to a really dark place.  They think one negative thing about themselves and it shoots off in twelve directions with thirty two other negative thoughts and on repeat this adventure goes.

If you're one of those people who is a perfectionist, an overachiever - an I'm never good enough thinker - this post is for you.  I hear you dwelling on the small mistakes, doubting your skills, over analyzing every inch of your appearance.  I feel you suffering internally while you smile on the outside.  And I heavily relate to the overwhelming cloud that hangs over you when you're in a downward spiral. 

BUT - there's hope!  There's a way out.  And while I'm not an expert - I can speak from my heart and my own fight to get to a place where I am able to avoid the spiral - and I hope that if you're reading this, I can help you from a survivor's experience. 

Acknowledge the Cycle

In order to be able to start healing, you need to acknowledge you're in a bad place.  You have to stop hiding behind the smile and accept there's a real issue.  You can't brush it off as a bad mood or a bad day - you have to say I have a lot of these, I get really negative, and this is a problem.

Commit to Change

This is all sounds very 12 step and maybe that's why that's a successful program - but the basics ring true here too.  You acknowledge the problem and now you have to make the decision to actually change.  You can't keep letting the cycle repeat itself.  And you can't complain about it if you're not willing to make moves to make it better.  So before you go further, honestly ask yourself if you're willing to put the effort in for change.

Acknowledge Your Triggers

We all have triggers.  The things that we are most insecure and the most sensitive about.  Figure out those triggers and write them down.  Face them head on and acknowledge what they are to you.  Try to understand why they're triggers.  Get to the root of why they exist so that you can figure out how to combat them.  My triggers are my body, success in my career, and letting people down as a friend. 

Avoid Your Triggers

I know, this is exactly the opposite of what I just told you.  But for me - being able to beat my triggers required me avoiding them for a period of time to allow the wounds to heal.  I grew up a competitive athlete.  Until I was probably 24 - my body was pretty damn awesome.  But I don't workout 4 hours a day anymore nor adhere to the best diet all the time.  That's caused me to be extremely critical of myself and the way my body looks.  I used to be absolutely awful to my body.  I hated it so much I would call myself the worst names possible.  So I stopped looking in the mirror and started focusing less on what I looked like and more on how I felt.  If you compare yourself to people on social media, get off social media.  If you dwell on your mistakes, make yourself busy so that you don't have time to think about them.  The point is - pull yourself away from whatever is pushing you into a downward spiral until you're able to be around those things and cope effectively.

Take an Active Role in Your Happiness

Replace the negativity with positivity.  Make a list of 25 things that make you happy.  These should be small things you can do with little effort and with no planning.  Some of the things on my list are go for a run, eat some chocolate, cook a meal, go to a fitness class, call a friend, write, and snuggle with my puppy.  Create a list of realistic things that can give you an instant mood booster so that when you feel yourself getting to a negative place, you have a way to stop, say I'm not going to let myself spiral, and in turn you do something that makes your heart happy.  You should be doing things every single day that make you happy.  And yes, THINGS, not one thing.  Many things.  Your day should consist of lots of happy.

Hold Yourself Accountable

Its going to be the toughest struggle.  And there will be days that suck.  There will be days that take you back to that negative place.  Hold yourself accountable.  Stop yourself when you start to go south.  Do not allow yourself to fall down.  Recognize that you're in your head and your triggers have showed up and tell them no.  You get 5 minutes to feel negative and then you stage a come back.

Call on Your Team

We've all got our support system.  Call on them for help as you commit to getting better.  Friendship is about being there for each other.  And you need your squad in order to get through the hardest parts of your life.  Ask them to help you be accountable to this new journey.  When you start to get negative, ask them to call you on it.  And don't allow yourself to get upset with them when they do call you out on your unhealthy behavior.  Being in a negative cycle affects the people around you, getting better makes their life better too - let them help you.

Allow Space for Your Triggers

When you've gotten to a place that you're able to experience negative things without spiraling, slowly start to incorporate back in your triggers.  For me, that's been looking in the mirror more at my body.  It's been facing mistakes without allowing them to define me.  It's never allowing not being perfect to take away from the amazing woman that I am.  For you, that may be incorporating back in social media, it may be dating again, whatever it is - being able to have them around you without breaking down is the goal.  It's accepting yourself for your flaws but seeing them in a new light.  It's controlling what you choose to control and then letting go of what you cannot control. 

Own Yourself

The key to happiness is being able to be you, as you are, alone.  It's being able to love you, as you, for you, without validation from anyone else on the planet.  It's being able to exist in a world of triggers and being able to stand up and say NO.  I am enough and I don't need anyone else to prove that because I know its true.  Until you can live in a world where you define you, uplift you, and love you - the negative spiral will never leave you.

As always - do what works for you.  Get help where you need help and don't you ever feel like there is anything wrong with you for feeling the way you feel.  Life is a battle.  It's a constant test.  But the beauty of that test is that you've got all the tools in your arsenal to not only pass, but to thrive.  Sometimes I still feel utterly stuck, and helpless, and despair.  But because I've chosen to work every single day to be better and live the best life I can - I don't stay in that bad place long.   At the end of the day - I've got a lot to offer this world - a hell of a lot of sparkle to give.  I'm more than my triggers.  And I know you are too.

#SparkleOn

Boundaries?

if you were to look up type A personality in the dictionary, you would see a flawless photo of ME.  And at work, I am even worse.

I am constantly overachieving, I have issues letting go of projects, and I'm always volunteering for more.  Because of that, I have no boundaries.

I get myself in these overworked, no work life balance situations and think NOT AGAIN WHY ME?! But if we are being honest - it's kind of my own fault.

Its so wonderful to be the go to rock star at work, and it feeds into the idea that you need to keep saying yes - but if you don't set boundaries you're going to find yourself saying no to YOU.

Boundaries are critical to maintaining your value in the workplace (honey don't allow yourself to do the most without getting your worth) and they're critical to preventing burnout. 

I know Sequins - here comes the part where I make another effing list. We get it I'm type A and making neat little lists, that's really not going to help the problem. Step one, admitting the problem, step two, creating a list about the problem - er, right?

Boundaries. I don't have any and I need them.  So what's a girl to do?

Recognize what boundaries are

I need to start realizing what's my role, and what is exceeding expectations and being a boss babe without overstepping into someone else' space.  It's understanding I don't have to say yes to everything to be successful.  I can simply own my own projects, make them amazing, and create that balance between work rock star and having time for personal life excellence too. 

Understand the importance of boundaries to my life

I have made a very serious commitment to work life balance.  I've spent the majority of 10 years working too much and putting my career first.  When I say that I don't want that life anymore, that balance is what matters to me, I mean it.  And anything that threatens my ability to have a happy healthy personal life, it's a deal breaker.  That being said, I'm in an industry that demands a lot on my life.  So I understand when I say I need boundaries, that could come with reprocussions.  It could mean a company values work horse over my talent.  I have to be willing to accept the consequences of setting the boundaries I have chosen to set. 

Put the boundaries in place

Im at the point that I'm well aware of the times I need to stay in my lane. I know when I should walk away, shut up - and mind my own business. But type A Ashley she taps me on the shoulder and she's saying "Hey Babe but we could just quickly involve ourselves in this one, promise it will be no big deal" and then I'm stuck on a project that is sucking my soul out all day.  I know my weakness, it's being able to act or rather don't act that's my problem.  So this is where I start small.  I leave work early.  I don't answer emails after 5 (fine 6).  I refuse to talk about work after work.   

Stand firm

I've got boundaries now.  I'm actively working to create a balance and separation and keep my unicorn in my own lane.  But now I need to go big and vocalize the boundaries and push back when they're tested.  I know I work hard. I know I deliver some damn good results. And I know that whenever I'm asking for boundaries, they're reasonable and professional.  It's time to speak up, stick to my guns, and be prepared for whatever comes next

I will always be type A and I will always struggle with when go let go of the reigns at work.  I realize that a lot of my complaints about my career are well within my control. If you're struggling with your work life, consider setting boundaries and communicating with your leadership what those boundaries mean to you.  The best companies understand that the best employees have a balance and maintain reasonable boundaries when it comes to work.  And if you're somewhere that you can't set boundaries, you may want to consider changing your situation.  

Miniature Smiles

I've been really busy at work lately.  Working 7 days a week at times busy.  We are short staffed and so I've been stepping up to the plate to get things done and I'm exhausted.  I'm burnt out, I'm cranky, and I'm not handling stress well.  My anxiety is at an all time high and I should not be left alone without adult supervision.

One of my closest girlfriends and fellow anxious babes suggested I take life hour by hour right now until things are able to slow down.  And as insane as that sounds to break your day down by every hour, it's not a bad idea.  So here's what I've done.  I've decided to find a little happiness and reset in each hour.  

These little acts of joy aren't big.  Sometimes they're 30 second breathers, but what I've learned is that it's actually helping me from going off the deep end.  Make no mistake, I'm still one broken nail away from packing up and moving to a yacht in Italy and letting myself be funded by a wrinkly 85 year old sugar daddy, but I haven't done it yet (Moo is so proud).

So what are these sparkle breaks you ask?  Kind of you to inquire.  Here are some examples:

• Grab an iced tea or coffee
• Surf social media
• Text my family
• Take a walk
• Eat a snack
• Chat with a friend
• Get a workout in
• Cook a meal
• Snuggle my dog
• Shop online

Clearly I'm not changing my life with these.  They're things a lot of you are probably doing on the daily thinking how is she calling these wins?  But for me, during a completely chaotic time, these are HUGE wins.  If you're in a very "no two days are the same" career like I am, we don't have normal working schedules.  We fly by the seat of our sequin pants sometimes and being able to slow down and make personal time is the biggest success of our day.  Simply not walking out or killing anyone is the most proud I feel all week right now.

If you're living that non stressful, perfect work life balance life - this blog is not for you.  Continue on.  But for the rest of my fellow sequins out there who often have a hard time managing the stress of being superwoman at home and at work - have hope!  There are small victories and there are reprieves in your day.  But it's on YOU to put in the effort, set your boundaries and effectively create that balance.  

Now go forth and make the most of your day.  And send me your ways that you incorporate a little sparkle into your hours at work.  

Diary of an Anxious Person Part 32

I've gotten a lot of really positive feedback around my posts discussing my journey with anxiety. I truly appreciate getting the notes letting me know you think I'm brave, you relate to how I feel, and encouraging me to keep speaking up.  As a direct result of that feedback, I've decided to start a series of blogs that delve deeper into living with anxiety.  

As a disclaimer - I'd like to make sure that those of you reading know this is just MY specific journey and the inner workings of ME.  Every person living with anxiety is unique and you should never feel badly about whatever your journey looks like.  You should also not think of anything I say as scientific fact.  Look to the experts and do what works for you.  I'm merely speaking about my personal struggles and triumphs because I think its important not to hide behind my mental illness.  I am not crazy.  There is nothing wrong with me.  And there's nothing wrong with you either.

Today - I'm talking openly about what my anxiety feels like and how it makes me engage within my own head space.

Lately I've struggled with controlling my anxious thoughts.  And its been really frustrating.  Things in my life are going really well.  I'm obsessed with my job and the people I'm working with.  I love what I'm doing, I feel challenged.  My personal life and home life are pretty much drama free as well right now.  My health has been off, but I'm working through that and confident I'll be just fine.  And yet - I'm extra anxious.

I get anxiety over silly things.  Leaving my dog at camp for an extended period of time.  Loud noises like thunder late at night.  Not being on schedule for well anything.  Things that I have zero logical reason to be anxious about have my heart racing.  And that only feeds the anxiety.  The most frustrating thing about anxiety for me is that it's not an easy on and off switch.  I know when my anxiety is making me irrational.  I know when my fears are unfounded.  It's not as easy as saying - this is ridiculous - let it go. 

I'm really self conscious about my anxiety.  And in general, I'm not a self conscious person.  About anything.  I could probably stand for a little self consciousness in areas of my life, but with my anxiety, I get really quiet.  I worry there's still that stigma.  At work I have a fear it's a weakness.  I'm constantly assuming people around me think of me as crazy or that I'm of less value.  And that doesn't feel good. 

My anxiety has me constantly overthinking, overreacting, and overstressing.  It feels like 1,000 thoughts at once.  It feels like my heart is racing and my chest is pounding.  It feels like all of my fears and worries are all poking me at once saying "but what if."  It feels exhausting.  For me, having anxiety feels like I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not worthy enough of a normalcy that I crave.  Anxiety keeps me from expressing myself well.  It keeps me from focusing well at times. 

Anxiety for me feels like an all encompassing burden.  A little monster in my head.  And one that until very recently - I never thought I could properly control. 

What Makes You Happy Now?

I read a blog recently about a woman who went through a really hard time in her life.  She was at a standstill.  Her entire world had been shattered and it seemed impossible to go back to her everyday reality.  So she quit her job.  She packed up her life.  And she decided to travel the world.  The plan?  To keep doing what makes her happy RIGHT NOW. 

She decided to stop worrying about the burden of the future and take things one single moment at a time.  To focus on what made her happy in the moment.  And as she continued to do what made her happy, rather than worry about the incredible anxiety that comes with planning out the next forever - she slowly relaxed.  And she was actually happy.

I relate to living a life of planning, of control - of the strategy leading up to the happy ending.  But what I've missed is that there's no happy ending.  Life ends.  The journey is what is meant to be enjoyed.  You can strategize all you want - but none of us are getting out alive.  Is it really worth spending 50-60+ years working for the happy when you could just be happy now?

So here's what we're going to do - because I'm going to need a team to get me out of my head and into my heart - we are going to work on happy now.  We are going to worry just a little bit less about tomorrow and the next day and the 10 years from now.  And we are going to be realistic - because after all - I may be open to impulse - I am not open to becoming an outright hippie.  It's just not who I am.

Step One - Start Small

I've spent 31 years as a control freak.  And although I've been working to change that - it's hard to change a stubborn woman like me.  So wee start small.  If I want to take a nap instead of clean, I'm going to take the nap.  If I want a mini cupcake instead of yogurt for a snack, I'm going to eat the cupcake.  If binge watching a TV show I've missed will make me happy, catch me on the couch.  And if I want to go for a walk in the middle of my workday, I'm going to do that too.  The point - maybe you can't quit your job and travel the world right now - but you can engage in small activities that will boost your mood and elevate your happiness until you can get there.

Step Two - Decide what happy means to you

The more you listen to your heart and what makes it smile - the more you'll start to realize what makes you really happy.  Because now that you're taking a moment to get in touch with your level of happiness - you're making yourself more aware of what really does fill your soul.  Start to write that down.  Rate things based on level of enjoyment.  Become acutely aware of what happy means to you and start channeling your focus in those areas to really maximize instant happy. 

Step Three - Think Bigger

Once you become an expert in your own happiness, find a way to turn the little happiness into big happiness.  Get strategic.  Make everything happy.  Realize that when you're not happy, or doing something that doesn't bring you joy - you can check yourself and engage in a way that makes the moment happier.  Not everything is going to make us happy - but when we are more aware of what does - we are more easily able to get back to happy more quickly.  Additionally, say travel is what makes you happiest - turn those lunchtime walks to weekend trips.  And those weekend trips into week long adventures.  Turn your small moments into big ones.  Instead of buying things - walk on the beach, hike a mountain - you're mixing instant happy with saving money for long term happy. 

Life isn't about planning a happy ending, it's about making every single day happy.  We can't control what happens to us and we cannot control anyone else.  But we can be active participants in our own joy.  We can change our attitude and change our entire life with how we choose to live it.  I've always believed that happiness is a controllable.  It's a choice.  And if its what you value - you'll make it a priority.  Not tomorrow, not for the future, but NOW - and for the rest of your life. 

The Power of Culture

I've spent a lot of time in work environments that were unhealthy.  Between working 24/7, being verbally harassed, and colleagues pitted against each other - I've never been part of a work culture that I enjoyed.  Being in sports I mostly assumed this was what I was going to have to deal with if I chose to stay in the entertainment events world.  But I also knew that I couldn't sustain a life where I felt exhausted, discouraged, and physically unhealthy. 

Flash forward to February of 2016.  I was yet again in a position that wasn't fulfilling and an environment that made me miserable.  At this point I even started to think I may be the problem.  I had been unhappy in my new role since about the second month I arrived.  I began looking for a new job about month three.  And in month six - I was "laid off due to budget concerns."  Realistically it was the only way they could get rid of me because technically I was doing a great job but I was pushing back against the culture and the role that was not as promised.  As stressful as it was to be in the position I was in, I felt relief not having to go back to that job for one more day.

The day I was let go I made myself a promise.  I was going to focus my efforts on finding a role with a company that was the right fit culturally.  I was going to ask more questions, do more research and refuse to settle until it felt right.  I was turned down for jobs I thought were perfect and I turned down jobs that would have been just fine but weren't going to provide me the environment I craved.

Six months later I accepted a position with a company that I spent a good four weeks interviewing with.  I researched the company on Glassdoor, I reached out to contacts and learned firsthand what the company was like to be at, and I asked the questions they say you're not supposed to ask in interviews.  I made it clear a work life balance was important to me.  I spoke openly about my past environment issues and emphasized the importance of being somewhere with a culture I believed in and felt valued in.  And when four weeks later, on Christmas Eve, when I was offered the position - the way in which it was offered - the offer itself that the team worked hard to be able to offer me - the emphasis on how even though the other candidate has more direct agency experience but they felt a better connection with me - everything about it felt right. 

Almost three months later I still feel that same confidence in the choice I made.  From day one the responsibility I've been given, the way in which my personal time is respected, the way people interact with each other - is a complete 180 from anything I've ever experienced in a company.  I work a lot, especially with my travel schedule recently, but I don't feel the same emotional exhaustion that I've dealt with in the past.  The standards are high, the expectations even higher, the level of talent in one place is above and beyond anywhere I've been - and it creates a level of trust, competition, and excitement that makes coming to work fun.  My days fly by and are often chaotic, but I'm never bored and I'm always learning.

Sure, it's early in the game.  I've made the mistake of thinking things were rainbows and unicorns too early before.  And this could be something that doesn't workout.  But now that I know the possibility of happiness at work is a thing - I'm even more determined to stick with my never settle mentality.  Because its not me.  I am good at what I do, I'm a MF delight to be around, and I work hard.  Of course I still have a little PTSD and have my moments of doubt in myself.  And no, contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect, I screw up.  I still stress myself out for no reason.  And I am learning to get my confidence back in who I am at work.  But all the abuse, the misery, the years of never giving up - they're worth it.  My journey isn't traditional.  My path is often lonely.  But it's something I fiercely believe in and each day of happiness reinforces my belief that the dream is worth fighting for. 

Whatever the dream job and environment is for you - it's out there.  It's not easy to find.  It's often long and exhausting.  But giving up, taking the easy road, staying in the bad situation - that's not how you achieve the dream.  Don't give up.  Don't stop showing up.  And don't ever let anyone keep you from what makes your soul shine.

SANTA IS COMING! 2 DAYS!

I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!  I get it.  He's kind of scary.  He breaks into your house, eats your cookies, drinks your milk, calls everyone a ho and then leaves footprints on the floor.  That's kiiiind of rude right?  But listen - HE LEAVES YOU PRESENTS.

As I already did a piece on Christmas and what it means to me, I'm utilizing this blog as a bit of a challenge to my readers (Seriously, are any of you still following my blog or is it just my family?  Thank God I have a large family...). 

Christmas is for magic and kindness and miracles and so my challenge to you is to take time this week to believe in the impossible.  Let go of your stresses and insecurities, commit to believing you can achieve anything and that the thing you think can't happen - WILL. 

Set aside your work, put down your gadgets and be present.  Listen to the people around you, smile at strangers, engage in meaningful relationships.  Reset your mind and your spiritual space and just be in the moment

I challenge you to gain perspective, to consider things from another point of view, to commit a random act of kindness.  Be 5 again, believe in magic, pretend the world hasn't made you hard, and take in the enchantment that is the Holiday season. 

If you allow yourself to utilize these days for a larger purpose - I promise you will come out happier, healthier, and ready to rock 2017. 

#SparkleOn

Sparkles and Cupcakes and Rainbows Oh My!

Life is ugly.  It's hard and challenging and painful.  It's heartbreaks and its scary.  Its push you down and then kick you and throws a bill on you for what its done to you.  Life doesn't care if you're a sinner or a saint, rich or poor - whether you can handle a hard time or not.

Life is also beautiful.  It's miracles and love and luck.  It's overcoming the odds, unimaginable joy, laughter, and gifts you with things you never thought possible.  Life doesn't care if you're a sinner or a saint, rich or poor - whether you deserve the good or not.

Life is made up of two people.  Those who choose to focus on the good and those who choose to focus on the bad.  It is always a choice.  Because while you can't always control what happens to you, you can control how you react to it.  You can be in the middle of gut wrenching all consuming life events and yet you STILL have a choice: let it define you or choose to let it motivate you.

I see you on Facebook, on IG, Tweeting - I see you expressing negativity, yelling about how life isn't fair.  And you're right - life isn't fair.  It won't ever be fair.  Don't worry about why things happen to you.  Don't point fingers at people who "have it easier."  Someone always has it better and someone always has it worse.

You have a choice: make life sparkles and cupcakes and rainbows, or let it defeat you.  I choose to embrace the pain, experience the hurt, but work my way back to positivity through choosing to be happy.  You literally only get one shot at life - this is not a drill - how are you going to live it?