I am an 86 Year Old Man

Milton G. Silva taught me everything I know about being a 93 year old man.  And while I am not quite at the expert level of his old man ways - I am quickly approaching such an achievement.

How does one become an old man you ask?  I'll tell you.

Lose your filter

The older my papa got, the more he said whatever was on his mind.  And I'm talking whatever came to mind.  Didn't like your attitude?  He would tell you.  Wasn't a fan of the house wine?  You bet he's going to tell you.  Truly enjoys frozen waffles?  He told me every time he saw me.  The point is - if you think it - you can say it.  Accidentally let a toot out?  Blame it on being 90.  No filter. No shame.  I've got this covered and I've had this covered since I was 5 years old.  I actually physically cannot hold back opinions.  It's not my fault.

Complain about how expensive everything is

I never saw anything but milk, tomatoes, and bread in my papa's fridge.  If there were any other meals it was because someone brought them to him and physically placed them there.  At least twice a week he complained about the cost of something.  He never hesitated to tell me how much more things cost than back in his day.  And you know what?  he's not wrong.  In high school I paid like $1.50 a gallon for gas.  When I left LA gas was at least $32 a gallon. 

Insist kids these days are the worst

Milton never forgot to tell us kids how hard he worked growing up and how hard he continued to work until he passed.  Make sure you describe the younger generation as whiners, lazy, and ungrateful.  Do not forget to include how many miles you walked uphill in the snow to get to school and or work.  I hate the younger millennial crowd.  Ya'll are so feelings based and you think you deserve the entire world merely because you were born.  You don't.  Shut up and get back to work.

Go to bed at 8PM, Wake up at 6AM (Nap in Between)

Old men are exhausted by 7.  After jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, you get your pajamas on and you jump in bed.  And then around 6AM, your body will naturally jolt awake.  You will accomplish no less than 342 things by Noon and then you will fall asleep in your lounger watching golf.  Rinse, and repeat.  On weekdays, I'm in bed no later than 9PM.  On weekends my body insist on waking at 7AM and I need 12 naps by 2PM.

Express great dissatisfaction towards all new technology

Technology is not to be understood or trusted.  It takes too long to learn and you have to constantly call your younger family members to figure out how to make it work.  Milt did email for about 20 minutes.  I fully believe in this.  There's too many apps and I continue to shake my phone like an N64 controller if it doesn't work properly. 

Point out all body aches and pains, compare medications with others

Getting old means getting injured.  It means arthritis, back pain, and overall feeling the aches and the pains of existing.  Papa always had a new bruise and body ache and yet he continued to ride his bicycle almost every day until he was 90.  I am 31, I already have all of the injuries and daily aches and pains.  I believe I am exceeding expectations here.

Obviously there are more advanced levels to this old man lifestyle.  Like grandpa sweaters and boats shoes (check).  And being overly protective and proud of your people (check).  But I'd like to think for better or worse, I am an 86 year old man and I don't think it's going away anytime soon.  Thankfully, Milton G. Silva was the best example and best papa I have ever known and I can't help but smile when I think of him.

Political Expert: Me.

Now I would not consider me a political expert.  I would consider myself politically educated, aware, and informed.  But I also have moments whereI have to google things because I have no idea what you're talking about.

But politically speaking - I think the party system is the dumbest invention we've got in politics.  Politics are not a sport.  When one side wins, a lot of people can lose.  I find it a bit Hunger Games in general when a political party wins and millions of people lose healthcare, or families are divided, or really poor people suffer more. 

Politically I don't identify with either party as a whole.  Blind party loyalty is how we ended up in the mess we are in today and voting purely to align with Democrat or Republican is uneducated.  We would be a lot better off as a nation if everyone acted independently and researched policies, laws, and candidates and then made a choice based on what works best for human beings.  Read that back - because all the suits on Capitol Hill - they're not living in the same world we are.  These things we are voting on - they affect people like you and I more than suit #32 who is not affected by new healthcare laws or tax policies.

What I'm seeing lately is a country divided based on us vs them.  Democrat vs Republican.  There's a lot of who lost and who won.  And that disgusts me.  Politics affect lives.  They affect the livelihood of our people.  And THAT is what we need to focus on.  Winning is when we have low unemployment, a healthcare system that works by taking care of our families, and taxes that make it possible for everyone to have a shot at making it financially.  How is celebrating poverty, sickness, and hatred a part of our political system?  How is that winning for anyone?

I'm not really in a place to suggest what the solution is.  And we probably should not rely on me to fix the entire political system in America (Mandatory happy hour?) but I dare say I'm not alone in my feeling that what we;re currently working with is broken.  And feeling that way should not be confused for lack of pride in my country.  The people out there fighting against the bad are so in love with our great nation that we are fiercely committed to its survival.  I love America.  I am so proud to be American.  If I wasn't passionate about this country - I wouldn't be so active in defending what it was created to be. 

The Breakup Debate. A Memoir.

I've had an internal debate for most of my life regarding dating, men, and how to respond when they do shitty things.  Essentially - you've got two options:

1. Ghost
2. Confront

Now historically I think women are taught to be caregivers and to give men a lot of slack when it comes to doing things that aren't ok.  We are taught to say it's ok when its not and that if we call a man out we are bitches.

But I think there's also something to be said for simply walking away from an unhealthy situation.  To move forward and to take care of yourself.

Traditionally I have played the role of the ghost.  I mean I've completely moved states to avoid relationships and commitment so it's not surprising that when someone treats me poorly, I generally just disappear.  I'll delete your number, remove you from social media - RIP you no longer exist to me.  And I'm not the girl who gives in and texts you - we will literally never speak again.  If you reach out - I'll do everything possible to end the contact as quickly as humanly possible.  If you show me I don't matter to you - I am very easily able to say you no longer mean anything to me. 

But recently - I've had the urge to call men on their shenanigans.  Because I'm a grown up.  And I'm a good human being.  I'm kind to others, I'm a good partner, and a phenomenal catch.  And I don't deserve your crap.

My two most recent relationships/whatever the hell that last one was have been exact opposites in terms of how I've handled the ending.  The first one - I was very honest about the lack of maturity and really crappy way he handled the situation.  And that was what I needed to have full closure and realize we never should have dated.  Months - we are talking MONTHS later - he reached back out to apologize which turned into him making excuses for the way he acted.  And I let him say what he needed to say, wished him well - and we haven't spoken since. 

The second whatever - because it was one of those - IDK what this is slash WTF is even happening - I've ghosted.  He was a really important friend to me and someone who for the first time I started to open up to and place trust in.  And then he did a 180 and created a really bad situation.  He abused the friendship and for me - when you break the respect of a friendship, that's it for the relationship.  But I've said nothing.  I've gone full ghost and have zero intentions of changing that.   

Yea ok - there's a lot of factors coming into how to handle these things.  Length of relationship.  Were you friends before.  What did they do.  It's a scientific strategy really.  And I can spend hours arguing for both sides.  But ultimately - I think it's what makes you feel good.  Someone treated you like a burnt brownie and you don't deserve that - you're a cupcake with sprinkles.  If you need to say excuse me - that wasn't cool asshole - SAY IT.  If the way you heal is to move forward without a word - go head girlfriend - you ghost like the wind. 

Now this is where I ask your advice - and then if I hate it - I'll ignore it because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I pose some questions:

What do you think is the best way to handle when your partner does you wrong?  Do you ghost?  Do you confront?  Do you create a mix of the two?  I don't know what the right action is, probably depends on a myriad of factors realistically. Hit me with your best words of wisdom my sequins!

First World Problems

I was born and raised in a small suburban community.  I've never lacked for anything in life.  And while I'm very appreciative of the life I've been given - I really like that I really only face first world problems.

Recently I traveled to Belize - which is still very much a third world country.  It wasn't the first time I've ever been to a third world country - but it is the first time I've been to one as a real live adult.

And as much as it made me feel grateful for the life I live - it also reaffirmed that I really enjoy the finer things in life.  I love central a/c.  I like my nice SUV.  I enjoy my fancy apartment with washer and dryer.  I'm a really big fan of having whatever food I want at the touch of an app.  I love the interwebs.  I like wasting time shopping because it's down the street.  I love first world living and I'm really not sorry about it.

I've always been taught to be thankful for the life I live and the things I've been afforded.  And I am.  But I also work hard.  I don't feel bad for the life I'm enjoying.  And I'm not really sure I'm supposed to say that.  But it's true.  I like my first world life.

Maybe that makes me a snob, a diva, whatever you want to call me - I'll own it.  My version of roughing it is camping.  And then going back to my updated apartment and enjoying my TV.  When it comes down to it - I'm first world problems and I'm not sorry about it.

My 14th Mid-Life Crisis

In the past year (or so), I've had no less than about one billion major life changes.  I left an abusive work environment, moved to Los Angeles, was laid off from a job I didn't even enjoy, had a health scare (or two), have been dealing with major family issues, had a breakup with a guy I never should have dated, moved to a new state, got a job in a new industry, and the list goes on.  For someone who truly is all sparkles and smiles - my shine level has felt a little low at times. 

Which leads me to my 14th mid-life crisis. 

I am often told it appears I have it all figured out.  That everything in my life is together.  I've got the career, the confidence, the looks (GUYS STAWWWP), you get the point.  And for that reason, I felt it was important to make it crystal clear that this is not in fact true.

I don't have everything figured out.  I struggle like the rest of you.  Some days I'm exhausted and fed up and question all the choices I've made.  And some days, I feel like nothing can stop me.  But not once do I feel like I am the picture of perfection.

I try to be very open about my insecurities and my battles because I'm very aware that I can come off unicorns and rainbows 24/7.  But recently I've had a lot of people come to me for advice and guidance with their own struggles.  It was pointed out to me that it's because I appear to have all the answers.

Guys - I don't.  I have like 4 answers and they all end in wine or glitter.  You know what, 5 answers because puppy snuggles. 

In all seriousness (gross who is serious?) - my life isn't completely put together - but it isn't falling apart either - and that's because I will not ever let it.  I have my mini mid life crisis and I move on.  Maybe it seems I've got it all figured out because I stay positive, work hard, and reflect on where I'm at.  I'm not dwelling on what's going wrong and if something is going wrong you can bet I'm actively working to fix it.

Sometimes I have a mid life crisis.  I actually think I'm on 32 at this point.  I have complete breakdowns and I question my choices and where I'm at.  I make the wrong decision.  I let myself have a moment of weakness.  I'm the same as everyone else out there who experiences these thins in life.  The only difference, I don't let it define me.

I am beyond flattered that people come to me for advice.  I feel eternally humbled when people tell me they can relate to what I write about.  And I love being able to speak from experience to help other people get through hard times.  Because I have been there.

Maybe I do have it more together than most.  But truthfully, I think I'm just more willing to suck it up, change my situation (or my attitude) and push for what I want. 

 This is making me feel better already.  Goodbye 14th midlife crisis. See you for 15 in a month or so? 

A Lesson in Compassion

On Facebook lately I have been posting what I like to call: What you missed in Kindergarten.  It's a little lesson for those of you out there who forgot critical teachings such as:

1. Treat others as you wish to be treated
2. Keep your hands to yourself
3. Clean up your messes

Today, I'm going to bring one of these great lectures to all of you.  And this one is called:

Compassion.

Compassion is a feeling of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

Read that back please.  Soak it in.  Really applies to current happenings in the world doesn't it?

I was raised to have deep compassion for others.  As much as I can be a bit cold and dead inside - I'm ultimately nursing a bleeding heart.  I want to help people.  Except for spiders, spiders can all be crushed and killed. 

As a kid I remember standing up to bullies.  As an adult I give time and money to helping those who don't have what I have.  I'm that way because I learned it from my parents.  The best lesson I have ever learned from my parents is to leave things better than you received them.  That includes the people you meet.

Compassion extends well beyond charity.  Compassion means having love and acceptance for those who are different.  And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what two people are the same, so we are ALL different.

In America today, we have a leader who encourages hate.  He is the opposite of a compassionate human being and it has only made me want to be more compassionate.  He makes me want to stand up for those being oppressed and say not today Satan - you don't get to do this to other people.

Compassion is love.  Compassion is kindness.  It's holding your hand out to stand by those who need an extra hand.  It's stopping yourself before you say something cruel.  It's spending time correcting those who give out hate.  Compassion is realizing the world is bigger than you.

My challenge to you is to be more patient.  Be more open.  Spend time committing your efforts to compassion and bettering the world now so that we can leave it in a better place for the future.  Compassion is having the courage to stand up to those who don't have compassion and say I choose to treat others as I wish to be treated and I choose to leave a legacy of empathy for future generations to come.

Class dismissed. 

Time is a Choice

We all have the same 24 hours in a day.  Not one single human being gets 25 hours or 14 hours.  We all get 24 hours and that's it.  No more, no less.  How you choose to spend that time is up to you. 

Seriously.  Stop making excuses or saying you have to do something.  Whether it be work, appointments, who you spend your time with, that's a choice.  You can always choose to make a change.  You can always choose who you give your moments to.

I get it.  Some things you legit have to do (thanks smart ass).  You have to go to the doctor.  Get your car fixed.  But realistically 98% of the things you do, they're a choice.

We are all important.  But I think a lot of us get trapped into warped levels of importance.  I've always had jobs that have long hours.  And I've missed a lot of life events, put my health at risk, allowed personal relationships to be put on the back burner.  And for a really long time, I used that as an excuse.   Ultimately, missing these things, missing time with people - those were choices I made.

Of course there are times when work does prevent you from being somewhere.  And sometimes you're tired - but if you find yourself saying no or I can't to things really often - you're making a conscious choice to prioritize certain things and put others on the back burner.  And that's ok.

It's ok as long as you own what you're doing as a choice.  Your priorities are your own to make.  But making excuses, claiming you have to do something, that's not owning up to the reality of being a grown up. 

Being a grown up means realizing that time is a choice, a really precious choice, and how you choose to spend your time is incredibly personal.  But pretending that your time is anymore important, any less of a choice - thank anyone else - well its BS and its insulting to the people around you.

Time is limited.  How you choose to spend your limited time is something you should think critically about.  Get strategic and focused. Dedicate the most time to you and those closest to you.  Choosing where and how you spend your time is choosing joy.  And choosing to accept that there's no excuses for your unhappiness, no excuses for never seeing someone, and no excuses for not getting things done. 

You have the same 24 hours a day that everyone else has.  You don't care about their excuses so why are you listening to yours?

Career Confidence

Today we continue our lessons in being a boss babe (or boss bro).  It took me a really long time to develop confidence in who I am in my career.  From years of really bad environments I let myself become unsure of who I was at work and what I brought to the table.  Because of that, I lost out on a lot of opportunities to get what I deserve at the office.

Career confidence is knowing your value, your strengths and weaknesses, and what you deserve to be paid and where you rank in an organization.  It's a highly critical life skill and without it, you're not going to get your dues. 

Sure, you could naively believe if you work hard you wont have to say anything, those raises and promotions will just show up at your door via the tooth fairy.  Grow up Peter Pan, unless you're asking for the maximum you deserve, you're getting the minimum to keep you happy.

The truth is, those who take time to know their best and worst attributes and who are able to have open conversations wit their superiors are the ones who get the most in a career. 

Here's how:

Be Brutally Aware

You should be painfully aware of your best and worst skills.  Going into a review should never bring surprises.  You should know your faults and areas of improvement before it's even brought up to you.  But do not always dwell on these faults, you need to pat yourself on the back for your strengths and celebrate that you have them.  And you should be with a company that recognizes these great strengths as well.

Be Prepared

You should always have examples of where you've done things well and where you've messed up or can improve.  Have solutions prepared, have questions prepared for your supervisor on how to best contribute to the team, and take notes.  After every project you should be getting feedback from colleagues in order to show you're committed to improvement and growth.  The best business people are extremely self aware, business is business - take the emotions out of it.

 

Be Willing to Have the Conversation

You need to be the one to set a meeting to have the conversation about what you deserve.  Whether you're asking for a raise or a promotion, you need to be comfortable initiating the talk.  And you need to practice what you're going to discuss and how you're going to present yourself.  Have notes and examples ready.  Come in completely overprepared and most of all, end this meeting truly listening.

 

Be Willing to Accept the Consequences

If you get what you're asking for, awesome.  Get out there and show your appreciation by being really good at your job.  If you don't get what you want, be clear on why and then decide how to react to that.  If the feedback seems unreasonable, consider moving jobs.  If the feedback makes sense, ask for next steps regarding how to get what you want. 

Having conversations around money and titles is never comfortable or easy.  But if you settle and do not fight for your value, you won't ever get it.  Work hard, be painfully aware, and never ever forget to take your career confidence everywhere you go.

Compare and Contrast

We live in a culture of comparison.  We compare our looks, status, finances, relationships - we compare everything to everyone else.  And its ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong - I do it too - but lately I've made a conscious effort not to.  Comparing your life, which is vastly different from the lives of well, anyone else - is a complete waste of time.  It causes unnecessary stress, negative emotions, and keeps you from focusing on what really matters, becoming your best you.

Being bombarded with a world of celebrities and generally wealthy socialites creates this level of achievement for the life we are supposed to live.  The more we are surrounded with the haves and those who set the standard for where we should be, the more we think we aren't doing enough.  We aren't pretty enough, skinny enough, successful enough, we are just never enough.

To be blunt - there is always someone more attractive, wealthier, and having a "better" life than you.  But that should be viewed with a little perspective.  Rarely is there a person with a perfect outward life who isn't personally suffering on the inside. 

To be even more blunt - a lot of the things these people have - they are not attainable for you.  But there are a lot of really amazing things that are attainable to you.

Comparing yourself to others is going to happen.  It's inevitable.  But minimizing the need to compare is going to vastly improve your life, even push you towards that life you compare your world to.

Appreciating where you are, the things you have, and setting realistic goals for your best life - that's how you have the dream.  Could things always be better?  Obviously.  But they don't get better by wishing you had someone else' life, they get better by actively working to improve your own life. 

Don't compare you to anyone.  Compare you to past you.  Compare you to future you.  You're never going to have anyone else' life.  You're going to have whatever life you work for and whatever life you set your attitude for. 

Miniature Smiles

I've been really busy at work lately.  Working 7 days a week at times busy.  We are short staffed and so I've been stepping up to the plate to get things done and I'm exhausted.  I'm burnt out, I'm cranky, and I'm not handling stress well.  My anxiety is at an all time high and I should not be left alone without adult supervision.

One of my closest girlfriends and fellow anxious babes suggested I take life hour by hour right now until things are able to slow down.  And as insane as that sounds to break your day down by every hour, it's not a bad idea.  So here's what I've done.  I've decided to find a little happiness and reset in each hour.  

These little acts of joy aren't big.  Sometimes they're 30 second breathers, but what I've learned is that it's actually helping me from going off the deep end.  Make no mistake, I'm still one broken nail away from packing up and moving to a yacht in Italy and letting myself be funded by a wrinkly 85 year old sugar daddy, but I haven't done it yet (Moo is so proud).

So what are these sparkle breaks you ask?  Kind of you to inquire.  Here are some examples:

• Grab an iced tea or coffee
• Surf social media
• Text my family
• Take a walk
• Eat a snack
• Chat with a friend
• Get a workout in
• Cook a meal
• Snuggle my dog
• Shop online

Clearly I'm not changing my life with these.  They're things a lot of you are probably doing on the daily thinking how is she calling these wins?  But for me, during a completely chaotic time, these are HUGE wins.  If you're in a very "no two days are the same" career like I am, we don't have normal working schedules.  We fly by the seat of our sequin pants sometimes and being able to slow down and make personal time is the biggest success of our day.  Simply not walking out or killing anyone is the most proud I feel all week right now.

If you're living that non stressful, perfect work life balance life - this blog is not for you.  Continue on.  But for the rest of my fellow sequins out there who often have a hard time managing the stress of being superwoman at home and at work - have hope!  There are small victories and there are reprieves in your day.  But it's on YOU to put in the effort, set your boundaries and effectively create that balance.  

Now go forth and make the most of your day.  And send me your ways that you incorporate a little sparkle into your hours at work.