I can’t breathe.

I’ve been on a spiral taking in all of the news about George Floyd. Of Ahmaud Arbery. Of Breonna Taylor. It’s led me on a million paths of research, of watching protests across the country, pushed me down the Twitter hole, left me watching video after video and post after post. And my heart is broken. I am exhausted. I feel so much pain. And confusion for how these things happen. And they happen. They always have. We just film it now.

I am white. I am experiencing this pain as an outsider. As someone who does not have to feel fear and heartbreak everyday because of the color of my skin. I have never grown up being perceived as less than. I have never had someone cross the street in fear of me. I have never been treated differently by an authority figure. I don’t experience these things because I am white. Nothing is harder for me because of my skin color. Things are in fact generally easier because I am white.

I have always been vocal for equality in all forms. Race, gender, sexuality, I want everyone to have an equal shot. But I was still raised in a world that teaches people white is better than black. Even as a woman and being treated less than a man, I am still a white woman. That makes a difference in the level of inequality I face. The black woman still faces more hardships than I ever will because of her skin color.

I have listened and educated myself and marched and spoken up and I do my very best to be an ally to the black community. But I am still white. I still do not and will not ever know what it is like to be black in America.

I am writing this from the perspective of a white woman. I have no right or claim to tell anyone in the black community how to think, feel, act, or exist right now. What I do want to be is a real ally. A partner for you however I can be.

The white community needs to step up. The police community needs to step up. Because everyone who is too afraid to get political, to take a stance - you are the problem. You are not good. It’s time to realize that your silence is loud acceptance of racism. Because racism exists and it is everywhere.

I am uncomfortable writing about racism and about what happened to George Floyd because I don’t know the right thing to say or do. I don’t want to take away from the community that is suffering. I don’t want to say the wrong thing to a group of people who already suffer everyday.

I hope that the things I have to say today are taken with the respect I mean them. I hope that what I’m trying to express is understood as heartfelt commitment to be better and to loudly encourage others to be better. In all the ways I can do so.

I vow to educate myself as much as possible.
I vow to ask questions and to listen.

I vow to spend more money in black owned businesses

I vow to ensure my feminism is inclusive of the needs of the black woman

I vow to make sure I am also donating to charities that benefit the black community

I vow to speak up for you

I vow to march by your side.

I vow to vote in your interests. And to demand my representatives are always keeping those interests in mind.

Most of all, I vow to be open to being wrong and to be corrected with an open mind. To know that sometimes I do things that do not promote inclusivity, that are insensitive and when you tell me that I do those things — I vow to shut up and listen. And even if I don’t understand, I vow to acknowledge I don’t always have to get it, I can still be wrong. It’s not my experience.

I am an ally to the black community. I see you. I hear you. I stand by you. I’ll stand in front of you if I have to. I will be better for you. I hope that you will be patient and open to showing me how.

Take all my Monies

If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a lot of unnecessary money on Amazon during quarantine. From yoga pants to building my at home gym to plants — I’ve bought it all. And I’d like to share my favorite finds with you!

Let’s get down to business!

Clothes

Yoga Pants: All I wear right now are yoga pants. I’m either working, working out or going on walks with my dog so if you think I’m going to wear real pants, you are insane. These pants are honestly similar to Lululemon Align and are 1/3 of the price! I’ve bought 4 pairs and am absolutely obsessed! Buy now, they sell fast!

Joggers: The same brand of those amazing yoga pants makes joggers! I love these because I have a booty and most joggers can look really frumpy on me. These are tight enough to be flattering in all the right places and again the fabric mimics the align collection from Lululemon

Fitness

Fitness Bands: I love fitness bands but can never find any that last long or are heavy enough. Recently discovered these and won’t go back! They’re heavy, sturdy and while I’ve only had them a week — I really think they’ll last!

Kettle-bell: I love kettle-bells. They’re so versatile. I own a 20lb and will probably buy one that’s a little heavier.

Beauty

Acne Patches: I read about these from an influencer and have had some hormonal acne so I was quick to hit buy. I can definitely see a difference with these overnight!

Dr. Jart Face Masks: I am obsessed with Dr. Jart products. My skin cannot get enough of these. I love this pack of 6 specifically because they’re many options. Whatever your skin needs, it’s got you covered!

Plants

Fox & Fern Stand: This mid century modern stand and pot are a little expensive for my taste but I’m so in love with the quality and look that I went for it anyways. I am new to the plant game so realistically I didn’t know how expensive things were.

Fox & Fern Pot: The stand and pot come separately and if you buy them both at once you can get 10% off. It’s still going to run you close to $80 but the quality is worth it. I end up buying plants at Home Depot or a local nursery for really good prices to offset the stand/pot.

What are yall buying on Amazon right now? Share your secret must haves please!

Be Easy

These last two weeks of shelter in place have been the most difficult for me. I’ve been amplifying my insecurities and it’s greatly affected my anxious thoughts. Turns out, I’m far from the only one in this mental space.

I struggle when I don’t have a goal to attain. At work, at home - I need to set goals and timelines for achieving them. The thing is, COVID19 don’t care about my driven lifestyle.

At work, I’m lucky to have a job. My company, my team, and myself — we are focused on adjusting the way we do business and how to continue to be a profitable company in 2020. The same promotion, raises, big bonuses — those are less of a guarantee and more of a, hope 2021 sees us in a stronger place. Ya’ll know I am career oriented. Too much so. I hold myself to extremely high standards and having an entire year where there isn’t really a huge goal to meet is hard.

In my career I feel stuck. I feel scared. I am struggling to stay focused due to the fact that I am deeply empathetic and the troubles of the world are something I am carrying each day. My high standards of excellence are showing in the way I am beating myself up over not being where I think I should be in my career. In reality, I am at a world class company, with incredible pay and benefits and I am thriving. Not only that, I have a side hustle that let’s me do what I’m most passionate about — write! Not only am I doing just fine, I am excelling.

At home, I am healthy. I have food, shelter, and I spend an entirely unnecessary amount on Amazon finds I don’t need. But my insecurities are screaming about my body (If Adele has a flawless bod I should too!), my savings (Come on why don’t you have a cool mil in the bank!?), and my productivity (haven’t reorganized the entire apartment yet, lazy B!). Realistically I workout at least an hour everyday, I’m saving and have strong financial security right now, and I’ve picked up a few projects here and there. I’m thriving.

Life is ridiculous right now. Truly, there’s never ever been a time like this. Millions are out of work. Families are losing homes, unable to feed themselves. I don’t know what asshole decided that because an elite privileged few of us have the time and resources we should come out of this with a perfect body, $10M, and a new startup. But that’s absurd. Whatever you need to do to survive, do that. And accept yourself and others for whatever that looks like.

I’m not saying don’t go out and takeover the world and come out of this your best self. If you have the ability to do that, rock on! But stop holding others to that standard. Recognize how privileged you are to have the resources to build that empire and build your best bod.

For a lot of us, surviving this time is the best way to thrive. My therapist offered up a goal to me of maintaining balance, conquering my insomnia and just being kinder to myself. For me, that’s a lot to tackle and if I can even get a grip on one of those I’ll consider this time a success.

Some days I work out two hours, create a gallery wall, cook a fancy meal and join 6 meetings. Some days I walk for an hour, watch 6 episodes of Outer Banks and order in. Both days are valuable.

Figure out what you need each day to find happiness. To feel good. To survive.

Be easy on yourself. This is truly an unprecedented time in history and I’m not sure it’s going to define you long term if you don’t become an SI swimsuit model with a successful Fortune 500 company who read 36 books, built a home from scratch and figured out how to master French cuisine.

I’ll say it now - I consider myself relatively successful in the grand scheme and I don’t think I’m going to achieve any of those things. But bet in the future you’ll continue to see me be a force of nature in every single thing I choose to do.

The Biggest Letdown

The thing that has devastated me the most about this pandemic has been the loss of human decency. For better or worse, I have always made the assumption that people are inherently good. And yet throughout this pandemic, I feel overwhelmed by people who are anything but.

There are protests demanding service industry workers get back on the job. Public figures have called for sacrificing our elderly to get the economy restarted. Essentially some Americans are taking it upon themselves to decide who lives and who dies.

I cannot imagine ever feeling like I have the right to determine who lives and dies from a pandemic. It absolutely shocks me to my core that there are human beings willing to sacrifice others for money. Yes, our economy is important. Yes we are going to be struggling for quite some time to bring our economy back to a better place. But no, at no point should citizens start making decisions around other citizens being sacrificed to fix an economy.

Look we have experienced something like this before (and GASP - without WiFi!) and we have experienced a devastated economy before. We will do so again. Realistically, the time between these events is going to get shorter if all the powers that be are correct. When we start deciding the only way out is to sacrifice human lives, we have failed entirely.

I go back to the root of the problem - I don’t know how to explain to someone to care about others. I don’t. I know I have been far too oblivious to privilege in the past. This struggle isn’t new and probably isn’t shocking to those who have been oppressed for centuries. It’s probably business as usual.

Now that I have become more educated and aware, on a much deeper level — I think it matters that I speak up. It matters to me to challenge the people who think they have the right to determine when another citizen lives or dies simply because they’d like to get a damn haircut.

There are certainly many stories of human decency. Of people helping each other out when they really don’t have to. Of companies doing right by their employees. So I get it, the world isn’t all bad. But I do believe these huge injustices and lack of humanity are grave enough that we can’t just say “well it balances out.” Because it doesn’t.

I don’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people. All I know is that you should. And if you don’t, yea, you are the problem with society.

Career Barbie

Y’all need to check on your type A friends because we are not ok.

My entire being has been based on achieving things going 100MPH. From sports to a career, I do the most all the time.

And then a pandemic hit. And that’s been a lot of emotions.

I have focused my energies more on helping than I have my job. I do what I need to do, I am never one to slack, but I’m operating at about 50%. Sure, my 50% is someone else’s 110% — but that’s a significant shift for me.

And I know Im not the only one.

If you’re type A, you operate on a high level too. Yet right now it’s really hard for me to get motivated by regular everyday work.

My family has been directly affected by this. My heart is heavy. And I don’t like some of the ugly behavior this has brought out in people. I don’t believe business as usual cuts it right now. At my core, I believe helping and caring for people is how we should be leading efforts.

Realistically, things aren’t business as usual and the goal for most is to survive. I think business are working more towards just surviving rather than promotions and bonuses and “business as usual.”

So I’m readjusting my goals. And my mindset. Thankfully I’m at a company that truly allows me to do so.

I still don’t know how to really rest. I don’t know how to not be focused on an end goal. So I’m shifting those goals. The best way to manage your type A mentality right now is to do the same.

Choose goals that keep your health in mind while still honoring your need to overachieve. Because I get it, people want to reframe the mindset we have and remind us not everything is about winning and losing. I’m 34 years in, Im not sure my need to achieve is ever going to change.

A little healthy competition — especially with yourself, is a good thing. But keep it healthy. And when you don’t win, take the L and figure out how to make it a lesson.

You are not alone.

I have been the rock for everyone my entire life. Whether that’s something people realize or not, I am always the one you can count on to be there. And to be able to handle anything you give to me.

When I look around, I have some incredible people in my life and yet I have often felt alone. Not necessarily by any fault of those same people but because I’m not sure I ever took the time to figure out what I needed from others to feel that same support.

As a result of that — when I am overwhelmed I will pull back and go radio silent. I will retreat and become really antisocial, often feeling alone. Again, not because anyone has made me feel that way, but because I’ve experienced a lot of shit in life — I carry a heavy weight at times. I never want to be a burden and I often fear unloading my heavy life on others is doing just that.

Given we are in a global pandemic, I’ve had heavy feelings. And yes, you guessed it, I’ll go radio silent. A friend recently — and for the first time I can remember hearing from anyone in a long time — kept reiterating that I am not alone. None of us are. She had found a way to respect my boundaries of needing time alone with reminding me that I’m not doing this alone.

For the first time in my life — that is something I’m adding to the “this is something I need” bucket. It’s something I need people to remind me. I need my rocks to remind me I am not alone.

What an oddly simple thing that I hadn’t really thought of in that way. But I’m thinking about it now. And it’s what I want moving forward. So I will ask for it.

Maybe that’s a weird thing to resonate so profoundly but it does. Figure out what resonates with you and don’t settle for a world without it.

Always On

You know those people who forget to answer texts? Never call back? Are always hard to get ahold of?

That’s not me.

I have always felt an intense need to respond immediately. Texts, calls, emails, carrier pigeon — I’m answering you pretty much immediately.

I’ve thought about why I’m like this and I think it’s a need to be everything to everyone. It’s less about people pleasing and more about needing to be the go to for everyone in every category. I’m your girl from work to advice to family — I have always been the one you know you can count on.

That takes a lot out of a person. For one, it’s exhausting. It’s also impossible. And highly unhealthy.

I know I’m not the only one. I talk about growing up an athlete a lot. And what its like to not be one anymore. For a lot of us, it means growing up with a lot of expectations. You are expected to be the best. Work the hardest. Perform perform perform. That’s what this is for me. A continuation of the need to constantly be on. I feel true anxiety when I do not respond to things essentially “right away.” You really won’t find me sitting on an email, a text, or a response to anyone.

I’ve finally gotten to a point that it’s become toxic for my life. Being in the middle of a pandemic, where emotions are heightened and my own mental health has been a struggle — I cannot be everything to everyone. It would break me.

I have started to tell the people around me the way I am feeling and that I need to step back at time. I know that normal people don’t do this. You don’t explain why you take an acceptable amount of time to respond, or not to respond at all. Maybe one day I’ll be that way too, but for now it’s a big step for me to even say hi I need to take time for me and I can’t respond to your emails or texts.

So far, the response has been positive. And that’s a huge relief. Because no matter what I feel, or the relationship I have with people — I am relentlessly loyal and forever an athlete. I don’t know how to let the team down. If I feel I’m letting the team down, that’s the ultimate failure.

What I have failed to look at though is that I am a teammate too. I am deserving of the same loyalty and respect that I give to others. Not necessarily in that same way because I truly think I can have an unhealthy level of commitment to the team — but I deserve a team who says hell yea girl, take your time, take care of you.

I have always heard that saying — you can’t take care of others unless you take care of yourself first. And I get that. I read it, I see it — and ya I have never internalized it. Until now. Because I’ve been on empty. I’m just doing my best. I think most of us are.

I get it, you want to be the go to. The team captain. The reliable all star. You can be those things but you can’t be them all the time, for everyone. And you’ve got to be them for the home team first.

The Best

I grew up thinking that in order to be the best you had to train harder, longer and more often than anyone else. And in sports, that’s true. In life, it just doesn’t translate.

Although my athlete mentality is quite helpful in the workplace, it can also be a huge detriment. I’ve spent way too much time giving everything to work, expecting it to give everything back. Relying on the mentality that working the most and producing the most would mean I am the best.

The truth is that it’s not about how much you work, it’s about efficiency and it’s about likability and it’s about fitting into a culture that you often cannot dictate.

Adjusting to a world where not everyone is an athlete is critical to becoming the best competitor in the work space. And that is certainly not easy.

Here are my best learnings and tips for those of you who might be in the same mindset I’ve been in:

This isn’t the Playing Field

Work is not the competition space. You’re not on the field, track or court. Realize that while the career field is a competitive space, it is not as simple as win or lose. There are times to learn, fail, grow and adjust. You cannot simply think of each day as a win or lose situation or you will burnout and miss out on a lot of critical lessons.

Not Everyone is An Athlete

Not everyone has an athlete mentality. Some people are content at status quo. And that’s ok. Not everyone has the need to overachieve. And that’s ok. You are only in control of yourself. Even if you supervise others, you need to be mindful of their personal goals. If they meet their job description, that can be winning for them. Understand not everyone is you.

Cut Yourself a Break

It’s easy to become obsessive as an athlete. We want to be the best, do our best and never quit until we achieve those things. The career space is a lifelong journey. You’ve got to be patient and you’ve got to stick with it for the long run. If you give it your everything every second, you will burnout. Work cannot be your everything.

Anyone else out there struggling with adjusting to life without sports? I’m 10+ years out of that life and I still find myself relating everything I do to being a D1 (and lifelong athlete). It’s an everyday battle to remember that I’m not a competitor anymore. I’m not judged by wins and losses. Giving my best is ok in this new world. And I have to learn to be ok with that too.

Time isn't Even Real

I’m going to be honest, the biggest thing I’ve learned throughout this experience is that time isn’t real.

I know we have to go to work and do all the things that make society run, but in all honesty, we say that we don’t have time for a whole lot of things that we really just want to put off. Or not do at all.

Time has all but stopped. I’m not sure what day it is. Is it still 2020?

Nobody knows.

Here’s my new focus though, time is whatever I want it to be. Truly I think the most positive thing I’ve learned is that most of the things I think I absolutely have to do, I don’t. Because they’ve all but stopped right now.

The places I’m spending my time are face-timing friends and family. I’m reading more (OK fine I already read everyday but now twice a day!). I’m getting at least an hour in to just walk outside and enjoy nature. I’m writing. I’m putting energy into helping others.

I know that for most of us we have more time because we are working less. A lot of our daily responsibilities have changed. The point is though that we have the power to prioritize. You are not participating in these things and the world still turns. You’re forced to slow down and society still goes on without you.

My biggest flaw is that I don’t know how to take time to realize just sitting still or being in nature is a valid use of my time. I always find that I need to fill time with meaningful projects. Truth bomb? Time spent on myself is a meaningful project.

So when we get through all of this, really take inventory of how you spend your time. Are you prioritizing the right things or are you wasting your life on things that don’t matter? Get honest and get real. I hope that if anything this time has given you a positive perspective on how really not real time is. The only thing that is real about it is that we have limited use of it. So make it meaningful to your soul.

Stay Home.

All we have heard lately is stay home. Shelter in place. Lockdown. And yet thousands upon thousands of people still don’t get it.

Simply put it means stay home. If you are not considered essential need, stay home. If you do not have to go somewhere for work or to get essential need items, stay home.

I’m struggling with people who aren’t getting it. I don’t understand how it’s so hard to consider others and stay home to protect them.

I don’t understand how people don’t see how privileged they are to know they should stay home and to go outside anyways. To think “oh I could never spread that, my friends don’t have that.” To not fear getting sick. To not fear giving a very serious sickness to others.

And if you still cannot wrap your head around that, understand that the longer you decide to ignore these rules, the longer we are in this situation.

Nobody wants to stay home. We all miss really important people to us. But we are lucky. A lot of us really really lucky.

I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s hardships. This is hard. Everyone is giving up something. People are shutting down businesses. They’re away from family. They are dealing with mental and physical health concerns. But having perspective right now is everything.

There is so much we cannot control. And it’s horrible and it’s hard and it’s scary. But perspective and finding any silver lining we can is how we make it through. Cry. Scream. Feel hopeless. Then get back up and survive.

Extreme conditions bring out true character. This is the time that you either give up, focus on yourself, or you dig deep and you thrive.

Stay home. Stay home for you. Stay home for me. Stay home for the doctors and nurses who cannot. Stay home because people in grocery stores are getting yelled at for minimum wage just to keep us fed. Stay home so that the small businesses can reopen again. Stay home so that we can get our lives back.

Just fucking stay home.