Get it Together

Alright, so we are stuck here for quite some time. And while I certainly don’t love being stuck in quarantine, I’m also very aware hat I’m lucky to have everything I need. I’m choosing to be productive. Yes I have decided to get my shit together.

So what am I doing?

All the things, and you can too!

Cleaning and Organizing

I’ve cleaned my apartment every other day so far. That’s extreme, I get it. But I finally feel like I’ve got the time to really deep clean, baseboards and all! I’ve also spent time organizing and decluttering. When things get better, I’ve got 4 whole bags of stuff I don’t need that I can donate.

Reading

I read every night anyways, but now I’m reading during the day too! If you’ve got a library card, you can create an online account and have access to thousands of books and magazines for FREE. Bonus? Make it a social thing and do a virtual book club!

Blogging

I have more time to actually focus on writing now that we are home and my workload has significantly slowed down. I feel like I’m investing is something I’m passionate about more often rather than just writing to get a blog out. Perhaps you could journal? Having a way to get out your feelings is super beneficial to mental health.

Facetime

I am so not a phone person. I’d rather text any day of the week. Given that my day to day has a ton of social interaction, it’s just easier and leaves me less drained to check in with my humans via text. Now that there’s legitimately zero human interaction, I’m video chatting with my people more often. It helps to see someone and their facial reactions to keep a human connection in your life.

Arts & Crafts

They have so many grown up arts and crafts activities these days! From coloring books to paint sets to my personal favorite, BEDAZZLING - there’s a lot of activities an Amazon Prime away! Also a huge fan of breaking out the puzzles to keep me engaged.

Fitness

I’m an active girl. I need to move and be outside everyday or my mental health suffers. I’ve been active in walking or running outside for an hour (while being sure to remain away from anyone!). A ton of big name studios are also offering free online classes (CorePower is my fav). Take advantage and do some in home workouts. You truly don’t need fancy equipment to get a good sweat in!

How are ya’ll staying busy right now? Send me your ideas!

Forced Feelings

Wow. So about a week into this whole social distancing aka quarantini season - my anxiety realized - we are alone with our thoughts. Like all the time.

And that’s when the panic sit in.

One of the crutches of my anxiety is the ability to stay busy. I am the queen of avoidance, which is really how I got to my 30’s before I started dealing with managing my mental health in a truly healthy way.

Even my “chill” days are filled with workouts, cleaning, me prepping, laundry — I don’t do lazy days. There is no 5 hour Netflix binge, no “I slept all day.” It’s not a thing for me. Ever.

So here I am, 24/7, just me and my dog because I’ve got a shitty immune system, asthma, and a really strong will to live.

I don’t like it. Being forced to sit around and think about trauma, anxiety, life — that’s not an easy road I enjoy going down.

I get that it’s healthy to think and work through your issues, and most people I’m sure you sit down and do this and it’s all just this thing where butterflies fly and angels sing and then you go to Whole Foods for a smoothie or something. For me, a trip down memory and life lane can get dark.

Thats what anxiety is. It’s a dark shadow and it’s a liar. My life, it’s good. Like really good. Sure ok I’ve had my share of the bad and the weird and the ugly. And yet I’ve also been given my share of the really fucking incredible. Anxiety though, it tells you that things aren’t good. It says oh you think you have a good life? What if this happens? It could.

That’s how my brain works now. It’s a lot of immediate lefts into “but what if…” and a few of the “you should be doing this or have that…”

I think this is the part where I am supposed to say I did xyz and I’m better. But I don’t have an answer. I’m simply doing my best. I’m continuing to go to therapy (shout-out to modern technology), I’m heavy into my fitness, I’m connecting with my humans, I’m journaling(ish) — I’m using my tools.

But I’m still struggling. And to be honest, the hardest part about a global pandemic is people never think about the strong friends. Everyone’s barely hanging on, and everyone needs help, but rarely are people going to the sparkle queen to ask about her mental health.

And that’s ok. Everyone is struggling right now. Everyone. It’s ok to be scared and struggling. Use your tools. Ask for help. Offer support. Take a moment when you don’t have the capacity to help others. Show up for yourself first so you can show up for everyone else. We need you. We need me.

Mental health right now, it’s a whole lot of things. A whole lot of forced feelings. I don’t have the answer. But hopefully it helps to know you’re not alone. You matter. And yea. I still think we got this.

Shelter in Place

The last time I heard the words shelter in place, I was in an active shooter situation. I realize that what we are experiencing right now is not the same danger. Yet my anxiety is saying differently.

I am anxious. I am stressed. I am scared.

I don’t normally subscribe to the philosophy of thinking that everything could be worse. I think its an extreme way to belittle feelings and avoid confronting very real problems. But for now — and for the foreseeable future, it is what I live by.

For the survival of my mental health, reminding myself that I have everything I need to make it through this is vital. Not everyone has shelter, food, a job, a support system — and many won’t make it through this to begin with. I have all of that and more and I will be just fine.

I get why people panic, I truly do. Uncertainty, the need to protect yourself and your loved ones, that lights a fire under us all. But I am so sick of seeing everyone do so at the expense of others. I don’t know why its so hard for some people to care about the well being of others. Humanity depends on this to survive. At the very least, you should know and understand that.

I don’t have the energy to go into it all.

I just want to say to be kind to yourself and each other. Have empathy. Feel what you feel, distance yourself from the fear, but stay connected to the people who love you. Practice loving yourself and others as much as you possibly can. Give to others as much as you can. Help others as much as you can.

This thing will end. We will come out of it and things will go back to normal. I hope that you will be proud of who you were doing this time.

I am anxious. I am stressed. I am scared.

I know you are too.

Panicked

It is obviously a very strange and stressful time in our world right now. Everywhere we turn there is more scary news about the Coronavirus. And that’s causing a panic.

We should absolutely be taking this very seriously. It is a very serious virus and has proven to shut down entire nations. But there is absolutely no reason to panic.

I obviously life with anxiety. And I’m scared too because I have a compromised immune system.

I am also a realist. And I care about myself and others. So I am choosing not to panic. I am also choosing to self quarantine. You should be doing these things as well.

If you have anxiety, this is a challenge. So let’s talk about to make it easier.

Limit Exposure

I mean this literally by social distancing but I also mean in the form of a digital detox. Stay informed with reputable and real sources (aka stop listening to the White House), but limit the amount of negative information you are exposing yourself to. Log off social media where a lot of the information available is wrong. Turn the channel if you’ve already spent time updating yourself for the day. The more you take in the content that is negative, the more you will panic. Turn it off, turn off the thing that is exacerbating your anxiety.

Stay Occupied

Distractions are everything. Been meaning to clean out your closet and donate old clothes? Is that book your friend recommended gathering dust on your bedside table? Still have that Pilates class waiting in your DVR? Do those things. Choose positive distractions during this time. Do all the things we all put off in our regular busy lives. And if it doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it.

Create a Safe Space

You’re going to be spending a lot of time at home. Put in the work to make it a safe and comfortable space for you. Prepare with the supplies you need (prepare, NOT panic), make a cozy space, clean and organize. Do everything you need to do in order to feel joy and calm in your space. The more you feel “at home” the easier it is to actually spend well, all of your time there.

Invest in the right kind of social

No, not social media. We are social beings, we need that connection. FaceTime your family and friends. Text with them. Send cards, emails, tag the memes! Continue to remain connected in a healthy low risk way to the people that are important to you. Even the most introverted person in the world is not going to survive with no human contact.

Keep moving

My fitness game the last week has been on point. Get outside. Go for a walk (if you’re in a suburban or rural area, city kids sorry - keep your workouts at home), sit outside, get a workout class in (virtually). Mental health is connected to physical health. Don’t sit too long. Don’t sleep all day. Get moving.

Eat healthy

Again, health body, healthy mind. You can still order groceries online. Cool healthy meals. Eat healthy snacks. You’ve got time to show your Pinterest board the recipes you’ve been saving are actually going to be out to use. Sure, indulge, but eat as healthy as you can.

I know, things seem bleak right now. Things are hard. They’re straight up not fun. And for a lot of people, they are terrifying. Show up for yourself and others by doing the right thing. Stay home. Be kind. Help others where you can. We will get through this, but we have to do it together.

Perfection

Growing up my safe space has always been to aim for perfection. When I fall short of that, I dwell in a really negative space. If I make a mistake at work, I say something unkind — I am not able to let that go.

Perfection is not attainable. It is not real. It’s not even really cool.

Yet at 34, I still cannot run far from that need to be perfect.

Growing up an athlete, it is ingrained in you to be the best at everything. And if you’re not the best, you work harder until you are. I have carried that throughout my adult life. It’s exhausting.

I spend a lot of time in therapy learning to cut myself a break. Because in reality, I’m not perfect and I never will be.

Something I have started is spending time talking positively to myself, about myself. I’m supposed to work to make at least 50% of the thoughts in my head positive. That sounds easy but I’d say 90% of my thoughts are not kind.

Every time I speak negatively in my head to myself, I am challenging myself to say something positive to counter that mean thought.

Being a perfectionist with anxiety is a bit of a curse, and it truly doesn’t work. Especially given that I often don’t have a filter. Retraining you’re mind to focus on the good, well it just makes the good better. It amplifies the sparkle and makes your whole world shine.

I know I’m not alone. A lot of former athletes (and a lot of humans in general) relate to the need to be perfect. It’s all we know to strive for.

What if we changed the narrative and strived to be great as we are? If we focused on how badass we are? If we let ourselves be flawed and be thankful for that?

I challenge you to spend more time living and less time focusing on how to live perfectly. When you thrive in spaces that are uncomfortable — you might just find some of the most magical moments of your life.

I had an Epiphany

The other day, I was being very introspective and in my feels. And that led me to an epiphany.

I am at peace.

I’ve certainly got a long way to go to be completely comfortable in life and I have my very off days - but for the most part, I am simply at peace.

For a really long time (is this my favorite way to start a sentence?) I was always in turmoil. Always struggling to not let the actions and words of others affect me.

From traumas to friendships to work — I would internalize everything and allow it to completely control my inner peace.

Through therapy, and a whole lot of commitment each day, I think I’ve got an initial understanding of how to combat that.

I’ve made myself happy.

I detach from things and people who bring me great stress, I put a lot of time towards the things that make me feel whole, and I repeat over and over to myself — that is not yours to control.

I haven’t ever been a judgmental person. It’s not in my nature. BUT, I do think that when I’m unhappy with myself, I find ways to be unhappy with others. I’ll be less patient with a coworker or I’ll make a snippy comment about a friend.

Lately, that’s not been a thing. For the most part, I have more patience, less internal bitterness, and more namaste.

Because I am a very instant gratification, what’s the purpose, when do we achieve the goal type A person — I want to have tangible results on things. Even therapy. And after a year of steadily committing to it, I was thinking where has it brought me and what has it taught me.

And the biggest thing I realized is this peace. The ability to let things go as not mine to own. And to genuinely not feel on the defensive 24/7. To not constantly be waiting for what’s next and allowing my anxieties to convince me of things that simply are not true.

Everything is not perfect, but all the sparkles are falling into place. I’m not naive enough to believe everything will be sparkles and rainbows forever, but I am confident I have better tools to manage the storms. Acknowledging that I am at peace gives me the realization that I have all the tools in front of me. When things get hard, I have everything I need to get through it.

My biggest piece of advice for those of you struggling with anxiety is to find peace within yourself. Figure out what that looks like and how to achieve it. And harness it. Go back to that place whenever you can. Write down what gets you there. Create a toolbox that you can rely on when things get tough. Because they will. They always will.

I had an epiphany the other day, and it has everything to do with the faith I have in myself.

Chill Bruh

I’ve always been one of those people who can’t sit still. From the moment I was born I have been nonstop energy. But humans are not built to go at high speed 24 hours a day. Eventually, you have to rest.

For those of us who are lifelong athletes, type A overachievers, and forever do better folks — sitting still is a weakness. It means you’re wasting time that could be spent doing more and achieving more.

I have that ingrained in my brain. My anxiety flares when I am doing nothing. If I’m watching TV or sitting around lounging, my anxiety tells me I’m wasting time. It tells me I need to be doing something. Blogging, working out, cleaning, working — whatever it is — my anxiety tells me to DO SOMETHING.

But as I get to know myself, I also recognize that doing nothing allows my brain time to think. It gives me time alone to reflect on trauma, insecurities, and that’s another reason I just don’t like doing it.

Yet without alone time, I run on empty. I get overwhelmed, feel suffocated, and my immune system shuts down. That time to recharge is literally what I need to build back up my sparkle to get back at being my best.

Over the 2019 holiday season I spent two weeks traveling and 24/7 with people. I then went into a busy week at work followed by a week at a work conference (with pneumonia no less). When I got back my mom was kind enough to drive down and bring my dog back as well as spend time with me. It was all lot of weeks of fun, but also extremely draining.

So I spent the next two days doing …nothing. I watched TV, did face masks, worked out, did laundry — which sounds like a lot of things but for me that’s practically sitting motionless for two whole days.

I absolutely felt guilty about it too. I thought I should do more, run errands, catch up on work, truly DO SOMETHING productive. But I also forced myself to just be low key. I know that it’s what my body and mind needed to reset to a peaceful place.

Life is short, that’s definitely true. You really should maximize your time while you’re here. But me time, time to recharge, that’s important. It’s a huge part of being your best self, which is what life is about. You can’t do it all, but if you want to do the things you are doing with your full self - chill once in awhile and really appreciate the moment.

Baby Fever

A lot of people aren’t going to like this one. I don’t really care for most babies.

I love the family babes, I am obsessed with my friend’s babies (probably too much so but LOOK AT THEM) - but babies in general, I don’t like them.

Society teaches women that when we see babies, we are supposed to immediately fawn over them. There’s this expectation that when we see a baby, we are supposed to smile and coo and our ovaries explode. Mine do not. When I see a baby, it reminds me to take my birth control.

If I see your strange baby in public, I want it to be quiet. I don’t want to hold it. I don’t feel the need to make faces at it because its smiling at me. If it’s on my flight, I’m going to mostly hate it and wish you left it at Grandma’s.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

A lot of people act like there is though. People act like I’m a monster when I don’t immediately melt at the sight of a child. If I’m annoyed that you’re letting your tiny human run all over, pull, kick, scream - I’m considered the rude one.

You chose to have the baby. And for the most part, you really cannot control all its noises and bodily functions, it can’t even do that. But have some respect for the fact that your baby is yours, not mine. And it is not my job to cater my life to your child simply because I have a uterus. Please stop expecting all women to be enamored with babies and children.

Strange child, I want nothing to do with you.

I get it, that’s sort of an extreme. Especially when it comes to the babies of my friends and family, I am beyond obsessed. Genuinely so. I want to hangout with their babies and buy them presents and snuggle their sweet faces. These babies are going to change the world and I love them so much.

But strange babies, I don’t know you, I really don’t care enough to pretend to enjoy you in my personal space.

I think it’s dope if your goal in life is to be a mom and you get that goal. But the next time you are out and about with junior, remember that while your life revolves around them, mine does not. And I am not less of a woman for that.

Your body, your choice. My body, my choice. Respect every woman’s decision about children. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your baby simply because you had one.

Career Corner: Another Update

For the first time in my career, I want to stay with my company. I’ve been at Google Cloud about 15 months and I want to stay.

In the past, I’ve worked in industries that make it hard to grow within an organization. Often you have to be willing to move to a new team or school in order to be promoted or grow. At Google, I have the opportunity to create my own path in a sense. And that’s terrifying.

My entire career has been carefully crafted. I’ve worked really hard to set myself up for success and I’ve moved all over the country to make that happen.

Google was an out of the blue thing for me. It came to me. Which still blows my mind. But it did. And it wasn’t on my plan. It wasn’t a role I wanted, it wasn’t in a city I considered living in, nor an industry I ever thought of diving into.

And it was the best thing that ever happened to my career.

Because my plan is essentially out the window and I’m in an industry, role, and city I never thought I’d be in, I’m spending a lot of time figuring out what my next steps are. I’ve got to create a whole new plan for what’s next. I am essentially existing in an “I have no idea what my 5 year career plan is” for the first time since I hopped out of the womb.

It’s exciting and terrifying. I’m a driven woman. I am always thinking of the next promotion and the next challenge. And yet never before have I been at a company that I see myself growing in long term. I certainly don’t know what that growth looks like yet, but I am spending a whole lot of time figuring it out.

When you’re looking to grow with a company, I’ve got some advice:

1. Transparency: I work at a company that values transparency, so this is a lot easier for me. But I have been up front with my manager, her manager - to other leaders within my team - I’ve been open with everyone about my intentions to grow. I think that can often feel counterproductive and scary because you’re risking people thinking they shouldn’t invest in you because you’re looking to leave; but it is also ensuring I don’t have any shady discussions that position me in a negative light. In my current position, I find it critical to have those open discussions in order to see what is possible on the team I’m on.

2. Networking: I’m very into networking in my company, but I also prioritize authentic relationships. I’ve been spending time meeting with various colleagues to ask about their journey at Google and what their teams look like. They don’t even have to be roles or teams I’m interested in, it's about building valuable connections with people I work with on a daily basis and learning as much as possible about the organization I plan to build a future in. Again be authentic. Don’t go into those conversations expecting someone to do something for you. Build a real connection and ensure that you’re making it valuable or at least convenient for the other person.

3. Do good work: The best networking you can do is be good at what you do. I have a reputation for being hardworking, and relentlessly committed to excellence. It’s who I am and it’s how I operate in business. Nothing will serve me better than being able to show that I’m a great person to work with. You can know the CEO but if you aren’t a hard worker or good at what you do, it doesn’t matter. Your work is your brand, what do you want it to say?

I’m not sure what’s next, and that is terrifying. I’m not 22 anymore. I’m established in my experience with a strong resume - but I am proof that with a lot of hard work, good relationships and a willingness to take a risk - you can make a drastic change and it can all workout. I don’t know what’s next but I do know I can do anything, and that’s all that matters!

Unbothered: Chapter Two

Good news, I am still living my most unbothered life. I have decided to take it to the next level and redefine my social media experience.

In the past, I’ve always welcomed differences of opinion on my timelines. I’ve heavily rolled my eyes at the 45 supporters and the ultra bigot crowd but I’ve let them take up space on my timeline. Even heavily engaged in a little back and forth on the important issues. That shit is canceled.

It’s social media. The discussions I have on there, they really aren’t changing lives. The kids from my hometown who haven’t ever done anything, the family friends who swim in the white privilege pool only - I don’t need them.

Life is too short. I don’t need to play nice with people who quite frankly, are a waste of time.

If you choose hateful, ignorant views in 2020, I’m over you. You’re a human troll, an internet troll, and most often, you aren’t going to change.

Truly, accepting a difference of opinion on things like human rights and social justice, that’s not a thing. That’s not something I owe anyone. There’s right and there’s wrong and there is no in between on those things.

I’m active in the real world. I’m donating my monies, my time, and I’m dedicating myself to learning the facts. I value being a productive and active member of society — for all the good things. I don’t feel comfortable resting in my privilege and I am not ok being quiet in times of injustice.

I honestly don’t even care anymore about changing the minds of a lot of folks that are too far gone. There are enough people out there willing to learn, grow, and fight for what’s right. Susan from my hometown who watches Fox News, live in your bubble girl, we are done with you. You sell that MLM and call it a boss babe career, and you call yourself a Christian but say nothing when babies are ripped from their families and put in cages. You’re livin girl, what a life.

I am not here for the draining unnecessary suck that is conservative social media. The misinformed, the #alllivesmatter, the idiots who think 45 has made our economy “boom” - get it off my feeds. If I haven’t seen you in 10 years, if we weren’t friends in real life and you’re out here spreading that nonsense, I am unsubscribing from you.

I’m focused, my sparkles are aligned, I’m rolling into 2020 full speed ahead curating a social media feed filled with puppies and empathy. You want to be part of it? Be a better human being. Otherwise, no vain selfies for you people, you will just have to find a way to survive without me. Which sounds impossible because I am a GD UNICORN.