Missed Opportunities

I am certain I have already met my husband. A few times.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soulmates. And I know that I have met at least two, maybe three men I could have married and had a perfectly wonderful life with. Sincerely. Not even an OK life with one, a really amazing life.

Yet timing is everything. And I’m not sure at those stages in my life, I would have been ready for that level of commitment.

And lately it has me wondering, just how many opportunities do you get in life to miss out on your happily ever after?

I don’t subscribe to what is meant to be is yours. I firmly believe we are active participants in our stories and timing can play a role, but you also have to be the lead character in order to secure your storybook ending.

I take full ownership for the fact that I was unable to make commitments to these men when they were presented to me as possible ever afters. Two of them are married, happily. And I root for them so much because they are good people. Their spouses are some of the best women. I actively cheer for them.

And yet at 33, I wonder, is my story going to be that I missed my opportunity for a leading man?

Growing up, I had the vision that I’d get married, have 2.5 children - do all the things we are taught to do. And yet, the older I get, the more I find that vision might not be what I really want.

I’m not willing to compromise. I don’t want to be the 50% statistic that ends in divorce. I don’t want to wait for a significant other when I could be out making my own adventure. I don’t think I want to ever be pregnant. I think about adopting.

I love the idea of doing life with a partner. But I also have started to think about life as my own partner.

The fact is I don’t like online dating. I don’t want to spend my time chasing men or waiting in places I think they’ll be at. I want to continue to grow, travel, smile, laugh, and make the most out of what time I have on this Earth. And if someone comes along and fits into that, I’m open to it.

Being 33 and single, it can feel hard. It can feel shameful. It’s a society that teaches you the end goal is to build a life together, check off all the boxes.

Some of us have different boxes we’d like to check off.

I’d like to encourage you to do what works for you. And only you.

We all miss opportunities. But I think we create new ones by choosing to see those original opportunities as cards we chose not to draw.

Anxious Activities

I like plans. I love lists. I like having active checklists and resources to rely on. I’ve been working hard lately to create go to things for me to do to help calm my anxiety. I wanted to share them because I know a lot of people out there who are anxious and struggle with how to cope!

Be Grateful

I bought a really cute notebook and a fun set of pens and every night before bed I write down three things I’m grateful for. Sometimes it’s super deep, and sometimes it’s simply that I am grateful for glitter. But it helps relax me before bed and get my mind in a happy place; which in turn helps me sleep.

Coloring

My mom bought me a weenie dog coloring book and some colored pencils and it sounds ridiculous but focusing on coloring helps distract me from whatever makes me anxious. It also keeps me off the socials when I’m sitting in front of the tv. I’m even thinking of taking it to work for a brief color break as needed.

Thank You

I bought a 48 pack of floral blank cards and once a week I write a thank you note to someone. It can be someone at work, a friend, anyone. But again, it takes me back to a thankful place and helps remind me how much I have to be thankful for. It calms my anxious thoughts and worries when I remind myself to be grateful.

Snuggle

Sometimes I pickup my dog and make him snuggle. It sounds weird but a quick 5 minute snuggle sesh makes my heart happy. Dogs love us so much and it’s hard to feel anything but love when you’ve got arms full of puppies!

What are you doing to stay calm and distract your anxious thoughts?

She has feelings.

Ya’ll I cried for the first time in about 346 years the other night. And I did it front of two really good friends as well as in front of half of San Francisco. Nothing like really going all in right?

I had a complete and utter breakdown.

I think the excessive wine we drank helped, but I also think I hold everything in so much that it builds and like a volcano, sometimes I erupt.

And I cannot stop dwelling on it.

I’m mortified that I allowed myself to show that side of myself, in public, in front of people over a really traumatic time for me.

If you’re a regular reader, you know that I’ve really opened up a lot in the past few years. I’ve discussed traumas that have happened, I’ve been actively involved in social issues, and I’ve been committed to therapy.

It’s a lot.

I never stopped to realize just how much. And I think in wanting to be all of these things, I didn’t take time t check in with myself.

Thus, an embarrassing breakdown.

I know that the people who love me understand me for everything that I am; but a really large part of me has that fear that because I have been the rock for so long, I’m not allowed to have feelings. I get extremely self conscious about showing any emotions and worry that I won’t be valued if I grow and change into this person who has normal feelings all the time.

To be honest, I don’t have a big lesson here. I don’t have news of a breakthrough. It’s just a story of where I’m at and the realization that you can take all the steps in mental health to live your best life, and still get caught struggling.

But without showing emotions, how do the people that love you know that you love them? If you don’t open up all the parts of you to the most important people in your circle, you’re not trusting them with yourself. That doesn’t make you strong, that makes you unable to fully experience relationships.

I guess the lesson is to get back up, to keep doing what makes you feel whole, and know that the people who love you, they’ll keep doing so.

Independent(ish)

I grew up in a suburban upper middle class community. I’ve always been a bit sheltered when it comes to life skills. I’ve been lucky enough that my entire life my parents have empowered me but also have taken care of things from being there for medical appointments to managing all my car needs. So for more of my life I’ve been comfortable in that space. I can call them for questions from broken microwaves to how to get my oil changed.

As I’ve grown up, I’ve found that it’s really important not to rely on others for those things. I’ll admit I took a bit longer to do so but I’m at a point where I truly have the confidence in knowing I can do anything and rely on myself in any situation. And that feels amazing.

I get it - what a privilege to have been able to be cared for in such a way. I agree. I appreciate it. I appreciate how independent I am even more.

I just got back from a few weeks in Europe. When we travel, I am the one you can count on to step up and take charge. I do need to sit back at times and allow others to step up, but I am extremely proud of the fact that in a foreign country, I got me.

I’m able to navigate where I’m at, where to go, how to manage a language barrier, what to pay, how to order - I have full confidence that you want me in your corner for surviving abroad.

Yet - I still get anxiety for things like buying a car, understanding health insurance - the adulting part of life.

Here’s the thing, I used to think I had to be able to do all the things to be an adult. To prove I can do it all. Reality? I do have a support system and people I can rely on to help get me through the things I don’t know a whole lot about.

That’s ok.

Who says we have to know it all and do it all to be considered an adult? Why is it shameful to say help me out? It shouldn’t be.

I’m sort of independent(ish) in that yea, I can survive and I can figure anything out if I have to, but it’s 2019, I have people to help me, and I’m going to let them. That’s not being a princess, that’s being smart.

Cut yourself a break if you’re like me and you can manage the big things but need extra help with the little things. You be that independent(ish) babe and own what you know and be smart enough to ask for help when you don’t.

Who said having it all means you have to do it all yourself?

Buy Good

I love shopping. I love shoes and clothes and all the things. But the older I get, and the more I see how wasteful human beings are, the more I want to shop responsibly and consume less.

I don’t need all the things. But I do love all the things. And I don’t have to give up my passion for shopping if I want to commit to be more environmentally friendly.

How do you “buy good” when it comes to consumption?

Be Resourceful

• Buy reusable bags and stop purchasing bags from stores. Don’t even use the produce bags, but your ow produce bags made out of recycled material.

• Shop for what you need. Be mindful of the waste you’re creating. Buy in bulk if you can. Limit the wasteful packaging and limit the food you buy so that you’re not throwing it away.

• Grow your own food. If you’ve got the time and ability, there are a lot of fruits and vegetables that are easy to grow. I’ve always wanted to have a garden. The food is fresher and amazing for mother nature!

• Hit up a farmer’s market. I live in California, we have really good produce everywhere. Farmer’s markets have endless options for the best fruits and vegetables. It’s also supporting small business in your community!

Shop Sustainable

• Find brands that offer eco friendly sustainable fashion. Yes, it’s more expensive. But the pieces usually last longer and better yet, the process of making them is environmentally friendly. Recommended brands: Levi’s, Alternative apparel, Pact, H&M Conscious, Eileen Fisher, Reformation, Patagonia, Columbia, Athleta

• Shop vintage/thrift store. Buy clothing that has already been used. Personally, I love the quality of pieces that were made 10-20 years ago and if they’re in good shape, dry cleaning makes them good as new. I’m also a big fan of a good deal! Recommended Shops: Poshmark, eBay, Goodwill, etc.

• Clothes share! Host a swap! A lot of us have clothes that don’t fit, styles we are over, or pieces we just don’t wear and never did. Share with your friends! Get together and exchange what you’re not wearing.

Be a Leader

• Be a resource. Do your research. Teach your kids about sustainability. Be a champion for Mother Nature. Help guide the next generation to take care of the world.

Sustainability and being environmentally friendly is no longer just for hippies. It’s our job to start taking better care of the world around us. We are losing valuable resources we will never get back. Climate change is real. Animals are dying. The rain-forest is depleted. It’s really cool, and really important to buy good.

Happy Shopping Sequins!

America the Remix

Ok - so all sane people can agree the America is a hot mess right now. Like I’m here to celebrate the 4th because America is the greatest nation i the world, but she’s certainly not acting like it.

So while I’m here to say Happy Independence Day, I’m also here to say, let’s be better. That whole “this isn’t what America was founded on” kills me. America was founded to protect white male slave owners. So can we please stop romanticizing our foundation and instead say, if we want America to be this amazing place we dream of, we’ve got work to do.

Where do we start?

Get Honest

Start by being honest with yourself and the people around you. Step one is always admitting there’s a problem. Whether that be acknowledging your own privilege or helping others to see theirs, we have got to admit the issues in front of us. Racism, sexism, sexual assault, the opiod crisis - we’ve got a lot to cover. Also understand that admitting we have these problems is a positive. Nobody (and no nation) is perfect, stop getting defensive and start getting real.

Stay Strong

You’ve got to hold yourself and others accountable. It’s often uncomfortable but it’s really important to keep yourself and those around you in check. Call out your friends, family, and lawmakers when they’re not working towards making America better. We have to speak up and that is not easy. People are going to say you’re too political or you’re too involved or a million other things, but it’s important. Don’t be shamed into complacency.

Stay Informed

I am constantly doing research so that I am informed and aware of the happenings in the world socially and politically. I do the hard work to make sure my opinions are based on carefully gathered knowledge and not headlines or twitter clicks. Do your part and get informed so that the opinions you’re putting out there are based on true information, not fake news.

Get Involved

Loo,, we are all busy. But we also all complain about the state of things. And it’s not going to change until we all get involved. Forget your whole “I’m only one person” BS, that’s just not a good excuse for anything. One person can affect change, just look at the 2018 midterms. A whole lot of everyday Americans got involved and helped us to make changes for the better. It can be small but however you get involved, just do so.

I am a proud American, and that’s why I expect us to be better. That’s why I am so passionate about involvement and awareness and improving on where we started from. I don’t think we have to settle, and I'm refusing to allow us to do so.

Book Club

It has been quite some time since I did a book club situation. And yet my reading has not slowed down. While I was in Europe I actually finished FIVE books! Here’s what I’ve been reading:

The Paris Wife

I’m about 2-3 years late in reading this book but I am so glad I did. This book about Ernest Hemingway written from the perspective of his first wife was so fascinating. I love a good historical account where I can learn about a prominent literary figure.

American Prison

The author of this one is a journalist who went undercover in a private prison in Louisiana. He details his experience in the system as well as delves into the background of the American Prison system (specifically privatized prisons). I found it absolutely insightful and educational and loved the perspective.

People Like Us

I’m 99% certain this is a book for teens but I loved it. It’s a super quick read about kids at a private boarding school and a murder that takes place. Not a hard read, it took me a day to finish. It’s a cute light and easy book for lounging by the pool or passing the time on a flight.

City of Girls

I’m a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert so this was a must read for me. It’s a super provocative historical fiction novel that mixes in a lot of saucy romance. Again, an easy read fit for the beach as it doesn’t take a lot of brain work to follow. I loved the descriptive language and the 40’s have always been of interest to me.

What are you reading? Share your favorite books with ta girl!

We're Waiting

I am so proud to see women everywhere speaking up. Women are demanding equality, refusing to be complacent with abuse, and we are not backing down. But the thing is, women are always speaking up. It’s just usually for everyone else. What I’d like to see is men speaking up for the women they love and receive so much support from.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet. We can do anything. And yet, we shouldn’t have to do everything.

I want to see men speak up. I’m waiting for men to say you shouldn’t have to do this alone.

When it comes to abortion, sexual assault, workplace equality - it takes two to tango. There are men involved and affected. Speak up.

Say my partner had an abortion and it was the best thing for me too. This girl I had a one night stand with got pregnant and she chose to have an abortion and I support her right to choose what to do with her body because SHE and ONLY she knows what is best for that body.

Tell us about a time you probably pressured someone into doing more than they intended to, and say I’m sorry, I was wrong. If you see someone groping a woman in a bar, stop it. At work, if a woman is being treated unfairly, say so. Don’t interrupt women in meetings. Ensure you have women at work and that those women have a voice.

Speak up.

And stop pretending it is scary to do so.

Nobody knows the right thing to say. ASK. Ask how you can be an ally. Ask what can I do if I see this happen and how can I best show that I am on your team and you matter.

Get involved.

Have open conversations with women around you. Listen to how they feel. Be willing to accept honest feedback regarding your own behaviors. Actively work to change any attitudes or actions that do not promote equality or safe environments for women.

Like any marginalized group, women need allies. We need brave men who are willing to be advocates for our journey. Just as POC need white people to say whoa fellow white people, we are a problem in these ways and here’s how I plan to be better - women need men to do the same.

Is it easy? Nope. But thank your privilege you have the ability to choose whether or not to speak up, we do not have that luxury. Acknowledge that privilege. And then get over it and get to work.

Do the women in your life matter? They should. They are human beings. Do the women in your world inspire you? They should, they’re changing the world. Do the future women in your life motivate you to be a better man? They should, they are our future.

Women are mothers and CEO’s and Doctors and teachers and caregivers and partners and world class athletes and friends and most importantly, human beings deserving of an equal shot at this life we are living.

Show them you not only believe that, but you’re willing to talk about it until it becomes a reality.

Speak Up

I am so obsessed with David Letterman’s Netflix show in which he interviews various prominent personalities in the world. I recently watched the episode with Ellen in which she so candidly spoke about her childhood trauma being sexually abused at the hands of her stepfather. The thing that stuck with me most was when she talked about women not having a voice.

So often we are made to feel small. We can’t speak up because we are too bossy. We must smile and offer opinions, but nothing too over the top. It’s okay to dismiss a romantic advancement but don’t be too pushy or you’re not that pretty anyways. Women are constantly taught to stay in our lane or be knocked off the track.

I’m a confident, very opinionated - woman. And yet there are still many times in which I have to stop and question when I should speak up. How much I should say. The tone I take. First and foremost for my own physical safety. But also because how I respond matters. It matters in relationships, at work, in public - how I use my voice is scrutinized in every setting simply because I am a woman.

Some people wonder why we are now having so many women speak up about sexual harassment and assault. They say we have to be making it up because how is this “all the sudden” happening everywhere we turn? Men are “afraid” to be around women at work and in bars because they “don’t want to be accused of being a bad guy.”

This stuff isn’t new. It’s been happening for hundreds of years. We just haven’t been able to use our voices to say stop. We have been belittled to the point of questioning whether or not we did make something a big deal. Maybe we were mistaken. Sure it was bad but I’m okay now so is it really that big of a deal? We talk ourselves out of feeling offended or taken advantage of or abused because we don’t get the voice that men do in life.

When people in the spotlight come forward, when everyday women use their voices to say no more, women collectively get to raise our voices. We get to all feel like it’s okay to speak a little louder. Turn up the volume on the representation.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, America was not built for women. Women are not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. And so society as we know it was not built to keep women in mind. We don’t get a voice according to the forefathers.

Women were not given a voice in the world. And so we started out silent. But we are finding our voices now. And I sure as hell hope we continue to turn the volume up.

I Changed My Mind

I’ve openly spoken about getting Botox, injections and even plastic surgery someday. Sooner rather than later. Recently, I’ve changed my mind.

I have not changed my mind about being open to it and accepting about it for others (because first and foremost, what others do with their bodies is not my business) but I have changed my mind about it being for me.

I’m 33. I have always thankfully had really good skin and looked younger than my age. However, I am getting to my mid 30’s and I do have things like forehead wrinkles, laugh lines, and sun spots. I cannot be mistaken for 22 anymore. Let’s get honest - I can’t be mistaken for 25 anymore, maybe even 28. I probably look a solid 30.

Are there times when I compare my aging to how my friends are aging? Absolutely. I’m a woman in a world that tells us aging must be stopped at all costs. But the more I see the work that is getting done around me, the more I want to just age gracefully.

I’m using lotions and serums and sunscreens and I wash my face and do all the standard regimented things we are taught - but I think that’s going to be it for me.

I say all of this and I very well could change my mind in six months or six years. And that’s OK too.

So what’s changed? A lot. I consider the cost of what I see some people spending to maintain and I would rather spend the money of other things. I would rather spend it on travel and events and dinners than I would on stopping aging.

I also know that self love has been a constant journey for me. How I look obviously matters to me, but I value loving me for who I am and all that entails - wrinkles and all. For me loving who I am does equal embracing the aging process.

Here’s the thing: a lot of my friends, significantly more and more lately - are relying on injections and surgeries and they look fly as all hell. And it works for them. They want to spend their money, time, and energy on those things, and I am not against that. In fact, I’m very for it because it’s important to them and that’s what matters.

Doing what is best for you, that matters.

I may look older, more weathered than some of my friends. Sincerely, one of my girlfriends never ages and she looks absolutely incredible. Partially because naturally, she’s healthy and takes good care of herself (and good genes), partially because she does get injections. Either way, it’s working, she’s a bombshell and always will be. But I don’t know if I’d look like me if I got those things done. Maybe I’d be a better version. Maybe I’d look like I had work done. Maybe I’m overthinking it.

Whatever it may be - I’m not willing to go there right now.

I like learning to love the things that make me who I am. Wrinkles, scars, lines, spots and all. I feel my best when I’m makeup free and authentic. Just as much as we should support the women who choose to age with a little help, I think we need to support the women who choose to just age however that ends up.

The point is, the beauty industry is always made to show women what we need to be our best selves. Taking advantage of that is not wrong and choosing not to is not wrong. Take pride in knowing what you value, what makes you feel your best, and committing to the journey knowing it can change as well.

Society loves to tell women a lot about who we should be, how we should look - society absolutely places more rules around how to exist as a woman and changing my mind, is my way of saying you know what? I’m going to do whatever I damn well please. And I won’t apologize for any of it.