Me-Tox

A lot of people are out here doing juice cleanses and detoxes to get their health back in order. I’m not really looking to go on a liquid diet or give up donuts; so I’m doing a metox. I’d like to focus on my health too, but I’m generally a pretty healthy person physically. Mentally, I need a metox. Here me out. 

A lot of our lives revolve around technology. At work we are on computers, phones, video conferences. In all other aspects we’ve got social media, cell phones, tablets, television, the list goes on. It’s really easy to get caught up in the digital world and find yourself pulling away from your own identity. 

Social media alone can create intense anxiety for a lot of people. The culture of comparison was literally created because of social media. Between your social media persona and constantly seeing other people setting ridiculous (and often fake) standards - it’s easy to lose sight of yourself. 

So a metox is the idea that you spend time existing in the real world, focusing on things that make you happy and that remind you of who you are in the physical world.  

For example, I love fitness. It’s the best way for me to center myself. When I log off entirely from social media and sometimes even forego music, I connect with the root of what makes me happy. I associate fitness with my drive, passion for movement, and competitive nature. I enjoy pushing my limits and reminding myself of all the things I achieved as an athlete and how much I fought to get there. It’s a next level high that immediately resets my reality. It’s humbling. And it invigorates me, elevated my confidence, it reminds me who I am and what I’m made of.

if you’re not sure who you are or what you’re this passionate about, figure it out. Try a workout. Journal. Read a book. Do a puzzle. Cook a meal. Play an instrument. Do all the things until you can figure out what your thing is.  

Healthy mind and healthy body are linked. Science people. You gotta work on the mind if you expect to have strong overall wellness. A really good place to start is a metox. Log off, sign out - walk away from the gadgets.  

Realistically we are all guilty of being too connected and forget how to spend time off the grid. It may not be an easy thing for you to do. Start small. If you’re scrolling the socials 24/7, set your phone down for 10 minutes. The next time, try 15. The point is to try.  

Recently, the more time I build on the metox, the better I feel and the less I think about my overall reliance on everything technology. I’ve gained perspective. I enjoy posting. I enjoy being on the grid, but I very much value the time offline. It’s a practice though. And it’s repetition that gets you there.  

Forget the detox, get you a metox.  

Ignorance is bliss

I spoke about this in an earlier blog but I wanted to elaborate. I have said and thought a lot of ignorant things in my life. And I feel a lot of shame for ever thinking those things or speaking them into existence. Now on the level of ignorance, I’ve still always been pretty aware. But it’s important to acknowledge that I’ve said and thought things that are wrong and socially or politically unaware.

Why is this worth two blog posts? Because right now society exists in a place of us vs them. We are in constant competition to say what is right and what is wrong and who can be the most woke. There is so much shame around anyone who has ever thought something that is ignorant that I think many people live in fear of speaking up. That is not how we create a better world moving forward.

America is fucked up right now. Truly, I’m not sure how to sugarcoat that or say it in a better way. We rip children from their families. We are killing innocent black men at an alarming rate. Women’s rights are being stripped every single day. Hate is everywhere. And our President is the biggest proponent of this.

I’m all for standing up and saying what you believe is wrong. If you believe in hate, racism, sexism - general bigotry - you need to be called out on that. It is not ok to push these agendas.

Here’s where I disagree with some liberal agendas - shaming people for what they believe. In order to affect change, we have got to say you’re wrong and this is why. And we have to listen. Really sit down and listen and have open nonjudgmental conversations with people.

I am able to be more open and aware because I had people who allowed me safe spaces for questions. I openly spoke my ignorance into those safe spaces and instead of being shamed, I was given patience and guidance to a new perspective. Because those people shared their stories in such a comforting environment, I was able to form new opinions on my own based on hearing other experiences.

Politics and social issues are not a competition between two teams to be won and lost. Everyone continues to lose if we continue to operate the way we are. It’s not a game. Human lives have been lost. More lives are at risk. We need to do everything we can to encourage change as best we can through open and safe environments. The more we create a culture of fear, the longer we will live in this state of ugly. And I am so sick and heartbroken by the ugly I see around me.

I have believed ignorant things. I will probably believe more ignorant things again. I am not a bad person. I’m a better person because I’m willing to learn and grow and become a better member of society through safe spaces.

It’s also really important to me to be a safe space for anyone who needs one. If you have questions/comments or need someone to talk with, please know that I am here for you. If you’re open to growth and being more aware and empathetic, I’m here to help you however I can on that journey.

She's got an edge.

I’ve always considered my ability to maintain control of my emotions as an edge. I am tough. I am strong. I am stable. I don’t cry. That’s been my edge. The thing that allows me to get ahead is my edge.

One of my greatest fears in going to therapy has been that I would lose my edge. The truth is that therapy has strengthened my edge by honing it into a useful tool.

Because I have learned how to express my emotions in a healthy way without shaming myself for having feelings in the first place, I have only grown stronger. I connect in a real way with the people I love. I find support in the team around me. At work, I am more than just an employee.

Connecting with your inner demons and learning how to manage anxiety does not make me soft. It makes me stronger and more alert than I have ever been in my life.

Your edge is what makes you uniquely you. It’s whatever allows you to be fully present in the person that you are.

Think about that. If you are strong all the time, share nothing, show no feelings - how do you ever form real relationships? How is it a strength if nobody can ever connect with you at your core?

I’ve sort of begun to think of therapy as softening my edges and making them approachable. Instead of being all sharp corners, I’m soft curves for fitting other people into my world. I’ve gotten rid of the spikes to keep people way and put little pockets in their place for things and people to fit neatly into the world I choose to build. And the great thing about pockets? You can empty and fill them up as needed. Because things change.

You don’t lose your edge by being open and seeking solutions to help you in your mental health struggles. You reshape those edges into your best features.

Dating Around

It was pointed out to me recently that I quite often talk about dating and relationships in the past, but rarely discuss my present romantic status. Short answer, I know. Long answer, this is not an accident.

I am a fiercely private person. I understand that makes no sense given that I write a very public blog about some very personal things. Like all social media and online presence, I curate the experience you have by choosing what to share and what to keep to myself.

Growing up, I was a very open person about who I was dating. You could easily tell my status at any given time because I’ve probably posted about it on all my social media platforms. As I’ve grown and matured, I have realized how much I value my privacy in romantic relationships. There are simply very few people I share my romantic life with.

Here’s why:

1. Relationships are hard

   Relationships are really hard. Everyone has baggage they carry. Allowing the outside world transparency into your relationship is only going to add to the complicated nature love entails. When you are constantly posting about your partner and your relationship, you are inviting drama into your home. The most private details of your partnership should be between you and your mate. That’s it. Save those personal matters for your home and avoid unnecessary interference from outsiders. When you make your whole relationship open to others and social outliers, the drama that comes to you, that’s on you. Relationships are hard, don’t make them harder.

2. You know you best

   Everyone has an opinion. The thing about opinions is they are often not based on the whole story. We vent to our friends. We give them the rose colored glasses. There is nobody engaged in your everyday relationship except you and your partner. Allowing other opinions to guide your choices and actions is just going to lead you astray. It’s fine to bitch and moan and ask for advice, but don’t allow those to be your truth. You know you best, that is your guiding light.

3. Expectations are everywhere

   Society has expectations around everything. Depending on your life stage, age, length of time you’ve been dating (the list goes on) - society has an expectation. If you’ve been together 3 years, why aren’t you married? If you’re married, when are you having kids? As much as we try to pretend they don’t matter, those expectations weigh on us. WHY aren’t I married? WHEN will I get pregnant? Back to #1, relationships are hard, don’t let society make them harder by forcing you into expectations you don’t have for yourself.

4. None of your business

   Straight talk - my relationships are not your business. I owe you nothing. I own my story and the relationships in my life and they are for me to dictate. That’s my power. It’s my life. It’s truly none of your business.

I’m dating. I’m not dating. I’m talking to someone. I’m talking to multiple people. I’m talking to nobody. I’m in a relationship. I’m single. I’m all of these things at any given moment since I began this journey. I will continue to write about my experiences. It’s an avenue for me to grow and learn and I value the relationships I build with my readers. But honestly, you’ll probably think I’m single until I announce I’ve gotten married on a mountain in Portugal one Summer. Part of my growing and building self love is owning my love life as mine and mine only. There is no power greater than being able to own your story for yourself because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. 

Passionately compassionate

I can be really hard on people. I know where it comes from and although I am infinitely kind, I can be judgmental. Although I can spend hours making myself feel guilt about that, I understand it’s human nature. We all judge. It’s impossible not to. That’s ok.

Lately, the more ugly I see in the world, the more compassionate I want to be. When I feel annoyed, I try really hard to stop myself and redirect that energy to compassion. I don’t need to contribute to the ugly of the world, there’s enough without my help. I want to be a light and a source of positive energy. Not all the time, but most days.  

People who are the ugliest often need the most love. People who demand the most attention, sometimes they have the most insecurity. People who annoy you often are the most scared.  Everyone has an underlying issue. A greater story and often a greater need.

I guess it could be naive to actively choose compassion, but I am exhausted by the anger, judgment, hate and ignorance that I continuously see everyday.  

Now I’m inherently competitive, filled with high standards, and my patience is nonexistent. So I’ll struggle. I’ll snap. I’ll find people that I cannot hold compassion for. That’s ok. I can still choose to be kind.  

Not every negative situation deserves your attention. Choose to show you are passionately compassionate by smiling, and moving the fuck on.  

Withholding your time and energy from someone is the single most poignant statement you can make. It’s the most positive way to say not today satan. 

I am choosing to pause when I am judgmental. And to decide to be passionately compassionate. Selfishly so. Because I would like to live in a world where I stress less and smile more.  

The world won’t change if we keep fighting fire with fire. Hate with hate. The only way to leave the world a better place is to show it how to shine brighter.  

It’s a lot.

Something I have learned through all of this therapy is that I have endured a lot. That’s not something I have ever accepted. I have been given a lot so I always minimized anything I’ve been through. 

I have existed in absolutes. It is always worse. I have survived. I have a lot. I am alive. I have never considered that it is entirely possible to both be given a lot and suffer a lot. That just because others have it worse, does not mean I have not had it bad.  

Life is not made for absolutes. It exists in levels and shades and sometimes maybe. 

Learning to say I have suffered is not admitting I am weak. It does not make me broken. It does not make me ungrateful. It is not a request for sympathy.  

Saying out loud that I have endured trauma is accepting and understanding why I exist in a world of absolutes. I have never allowed the weight of my world to consume me. I’ve never sat in it, felt it, and thus been able to process it in a healthy way.  

I think we all often live in a world of survival. We go through things and block them because it is how we survive. Had I not protected myself the way I have for so many years, I can guarantee you I would not be alive.  

Thankfully, I am alive and I plan to be for a very long time. And making the time now to open up, feel the trauma, process it, learn how to stop living in absolutes - that’s whats making me a better me for the long run. 

Life is a lot. Make it easier to manage by breaking down your own barriers and challenging the things you find in front of you. Life is a lot, but honestly so am I. I’m a lot of wonderful. And that’s a whole lot of opportunity to do a lot more. 

Greater Expectations

As a follow up to expectations I wanted to talk about how to show people what you expect of them. Something I struggle greatly with is showing people how I deserve to be treated. I think this is a multi step system and I’ve been stuck on step one for 33 years.

Everyone talks about treating others as you wish to be treated. I got that part down. Like I’m really good at being a good human. I prioritize people and relationships that are important to me. I go above and beyond to show people I care. I’m your teammate when you need me. I’m sincerely tops at this part of the whole show people how you want to be treated. If this were a review at work, I would test off the scale in this category. Bonuses everywhere.

The place that I fail and should be fired at is when others don’t reciprocate this treatment, I don’t move on. I’m unsure if nobody shared this with me but if you very clearly show people how you wish to be treated and they do not treat you in this manner, you need to take back your energies and utilize them elsewhere. That shit blows my mind.

If I’m being the most best awesome friend, partner, colleague, mentor - WHATEVER - and it’s not being reciprocated, I need to move on. If you’ve shown someone, told someone, given them time to give you the same energy and care you give them, and they still don’t, that’s on you. They have shown you your worth to them and all you are showing them is that they can walk all over you and you will not leave.

Is this something ya’ll knew and nobody slipped me a memo?

I’m telling you, my world has changed. It’s certainly a struggle, but it’s a huge relief to take back my sparkle and use it on relationships with people who have decided I am worth their same energy. I never realized how much of my time and emotions I allowed to be controlled and drained by other people.

I’ve started to pull away the commitment I’ve given to some relationships and expended that energy on myself and those around me who don’t drain me. And it is wildly fulfilling. I’m less moody, I have more time to enjoy good people, and I am confident because I’m not being dragged down by relationships that don’t spark joy. Yea, back to that whole Marie Kondo Hunger Games edition. It works guys, really really works.

When you think about it, it’s simple. Time is energy. When you put a lot of time into relationships that aren’t creating equal value, the energy is really negative. So a lot of time, a lot of negative equals a lot of not feeling awesome. I think scientifically that’s how it’s classified.

Ultimately people prioritize their relationships based on the value they feel that person brings to their world. If you bring a lot of value and joy to someone’s life, they aren’t letting that go. If they let you go, it’s no knock on you, it’s just not the right human connection for you. Wish them well, let them go, and find your joy.

We should have greater expectations of others, but we should also have them of ourselves.

The Plastics

On a scale of 1-10 I am consistently a 32 when it comes to energy. On my worst day, I’m a 24. If I dip below 18, call a paramedic, I’m dying. 

Most hours of the day, I’m really happy. I’m smiling, laughing, talking - I am doing what the youth call “the most.”  

I am the definition of extra. I’m sequins, glitter, sprinkles and red lipstick - when the moment calls for sweats.  

Im the level after the next level. I’m all the motivational quotes on repeat.  

And nobody believes I’m real. She’s plastic! It’s fantastic! Just aged myself but you’re a real one if you know that reference. 

Theres a downside to all this awesome.  

I have been mistaken for dumb. Air head. Flighty. Immature. Foolish. Fake.  

Ive heard it all.  Y’all theres no new negative fake news words I haven’t heard. Try me. 

The thing is - this is not a drill. As much as I am a deep thinker sometimes consumed by anxiety, I am the sparkle obsessed, energy igniting, loudly laughing woman that you can hear from miles away. I can be both. It’s possible and real because it’s who I am. 

A few years ago, someone told me that I have an energy that draws people to it. I’m someone people want to be around because they want to absorb the shine I bring to the room. I’ve been told a variation of this in the years since and every single time, I am filled with gratitude for the people who understand me and value my intentions. I am humbled to ever be described in such a way. 

But for every human that gets my sunshine, there are 100 more who roll their eyes. Who whisper behind my back. Who exchange discreet glances and smirks.  Who underestimate me. Openly judge me. 

I see those people too. I hear what you aren’t saying. I am not ignorant to your disdain. I just don’t care.  

How you choose to see me has very little to do with me, and everything to do with you.  

Theres not a single fake thing about me outside of the tanning lotion I not so carefully apply on Sunday nights (who has the patience for that streak free glow?!). I never found the ability to put on a show.  

And yet, I am often treated as a show to be enjoyed.  

Those who understand I am not an idiot and yet don’t appreciate the magic I bring to the table - they see my sparkle and they want a piece. They try to figure out how I am filled with this energy and how they can attain it. 

For my whole life I have either been too much or a source of sparkle for someone to take. 

It took me a really long time to figure out for myself that not only am I enough, I am wonderfully incredibly unique and I don’t owe anyone any part of who I am. I am my own. I don’t owe anyone a damn thing. Not an explanation and definitely not my vibe. 

Appreciate the people around you that you admire. Accept them for who they want to be. It’s not your job to decide what they are to the world. Take some time to reflect on who you are and how you fit into the space around you. The less you worry about how others should act, the more time you have to focus on the best life for you.  You might just find out, the only fake in the room is you. 

BIG Mood

Ya’ll, I am happy.

Truly, wildly, happy.

I’ve not ever felt at peace and sort of wondered if life was always just a dramatic series of things are ok but not great. But things are great.

To me that simply means I feel happy.

In all honesty, work has everything to do with it. They say work isn’t everything, and whoever they are, they’re right. But work takes up a really large portion of our time so when that isn’t good, it affects everything.

Let’s take a pulse check -

Most days, I’m home by 430. I don’t work on weekends for the first time in 12 years. My workday is mine to create. If I need to work from home, I can. Need to go to a doctor appointment? Just go.

That leaves me a lot of time to do the things that keep me feeling my happiest self. I feel full and complete. I workout everyday. I cook dinner. I can meet with friends during the week. I can fly to visit people and join adventures without worrying about a weekend work trip. I can do all the things y’all

So I’m happy.

I keep up with shows. I make plans. I am invested with therapy. All of the things that make me feel whole, I get them done in the day and still have time to relax.

Is this the life ya’ll been living and I’ve been missing out? I never understood how people got everything done and had these vibrant social lives. I get it now.

I’m having a really BIG MOOD.

There’s obviously still times that are more stressful, nights I don’t get home until later - but that’s few and far between. It used to be my normal. My new normal is having a full life.

I keep wondering how my writing will evolve as I am a happier, healthier me. I have less time to write, but writing is still important to me. Stay tuned sequins, I have a feeling this mood is here to stay…and I hope you’ll continue with me on this journey!

Great Expectations

I have really high standards for myself as a human being. What I have discovered is that not everyone else lives by those standards. For awhile I lived by trying to be more understanding of others who do not meet my expectations. At 33, I’m not playin anymore.

I have reasonable expectations when it comes to those closest to me. When I spent time to try to lower my expectations, I was disappointed every time. I simply cannot expect less. It’s not for me.

So I’ve started pulling away from people who don’t step up to meet my needs. I’m asking for the basics - to be treated with respect, be valued, and be given the time and energy I give to others.

It’s been quite the journey. I have had to start first with myself and stop extending the extra energy to those who do not meet my give. As someone who doesn’t know how to do anything half way, it’s been trying to say the least.

The idea of showing people how I deserve to be treated never sunk in like it has in recent. I always understood it as go the extra mile regardless. But when those around me do not meet the level of investment I have in them, I walk away. Ok it’s kind of a slow crawl right now.

The people who truly value me, they’ll make the time to step up. Those who don’t notice or who do not step up, well, the situation works itself out. That speaks volumes in and of itself.

I’ve been told by many people that I can’t expect so much of others and quite frankly, those are people who don’t expect enough of themselves. I’ve met people who meet my energy, care, and commitment to others. Those are my people. Those are the people I deserve. And that’s where I’ll be investing my sparkle energies.

If you’re the type who likes minimal involvement and minimal effort, I’m not the friend for you. And that’s ok. The whole point of this piece is to say whatever you give, make sure you get it back. Whether that be a deeply connected relationship or a passing acquaintance - match the energies. Give and get, it needs to fill up your bucket or let it go.

Match vibe for vibe, ya dig?

People should have expectations. I have a lot of them. I think that society could use a whole lot more expectations in order to keep us accountable. That’s probably a whole other blog for a whole new day in all honesty.

Bottom line people? You give what you get, you get what you give - make sure whatever that connection looks like - it doesn’t leave you empty or wishing for more. You deserve to feel like you matter, because you do. Don’t let anyone tell you that you expect too much, some people, they are not enough.