To have your cake and eat it too.

I hate online dating. Hate it. I think it’s weird. It’s awkward. It’s wild that a large portion of people are legitimately out there looking to get some ass and use an app to solicit that. I’m judgmental as hell about it. For 1,000 other reasons we don’t have time to discuss because I’d like to get back to my topic.

Oddly the few times I’ve gone on an app like Bumble or Hinge (didn’t even know what this was until 20 minutes ago), I’ve connected with some men who have become friends of mine. Which is kind of weirder but also kind of cool becuse they’re people who have become important to me. 

I just moved to a new city. The Bay Area. And so as I do whenever I move cities - I get on the dating apps because at the bare minimum Im probably going to make a friend! 

And that’s where I quickly became educated on a new dating trend - ethical non monogamy. If this isn’t new to you, I’m not surprised. I’m generally behind the trends by at least 3-68 years. 

Ethical non monogamy is exactly as it sounds. It’s practicing having more than one romantic relationship but in a respectful way that allows all parties to be informed and respected throughout the process. 

Or as I like to call it - having your cake and eating it too. Look, I get it, it’s supposed to create a way for people to continue to have some sort of relationship with multiple partners and do it in an open and safe environment. When I was 22 we called this dating around. 

You cannot convince me that it’s anything but being unwilling to commit yourself to one partner. I feel like it’s a tricky ass way to avoid telling someone “I’m not ready to give up the other people but I also don’t want to stop seeing/dating/having sex with you.” Cool?

I’m here for open relationships and dating around if that’s what you’d like to do. But don’t try to make some progressive movement out of it. I’m onto you 35 year old marina frat child who doesn’t want to give up the “good life.” You’re out here with some witchcraft term that attempts to trick me into thinking you’re being overly respectful to me when really you just want to bone my roommate too (jokes on you I don’t have a roommate). 

Dating in 2018 is already hard enough. Don’t make it worse by attempting to class up the hookup culture. Listen up you little whatever generation comes after millennial - I invented “just talking” and you cannot fool me. College was a really awesome time for me too Calvin from Connecticut, but I grew the fuck up and moved on. 

And when I was 23, fresh off the coed circuit and wasn’t ready to commit, I said so. I didn’t break out the sparkling rosé and attempt to create a social movement by conning you into some Ethical Non Monogamy. I ghosted you and hooked up with your roommate like the immature asshole that I was. Really sorry about that btw. Honestly, 2008 Ashley was a bit much even by her own standards. 

I’m here for the millennial movement towards being in tune with the social, environmental, and political issues greatly affecting the world. I am applauding us for bringing mental health issues to the spotlight. I’m down to recycle and eat less meat. But I am not - I repeat AM NOT - here for the shady ass dating game y’all are trying to call evolved. 

The only evolving this little moment has is the spreading of STD’s across the Bay Area and I am not here for that either. Ok that was a bit dramatic but also don’t read the stats promise? It’s not good.  

Back to online dating. If you want to get some from the hottie on Hinge, let her know. Nobody is buying your 2AM message about respectful open relationships. We had a march, we started a hashtag, we sent a whole bunch of men folk to jail - we are not playing with your late night sorcery. 

The only thing I want to be ethically non monogamous with is the shoe collection in my closet. And I’m gonna be real about it. I don’t love you. I want to see other people. Preferably in a size 8 on clearance at Nordstrom Rack.  

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.  

Mansplain Campaign

A few weeks back, I posted some photos on IG of me in my 20’s where I made a funny comment about drinking and falling down. I’m very open about enjoying my fun in my 20’s. Mostly because I had good clean fun but sure, I drank. I refuse to pretend I never partied. It’s so silly for me to claim I’m perfect, so I don’t try.

That same day, a friend from college (whom I haven’t spoken to in years), slipped into my DM’s to warn me to post smarter because of my new big name employer. Full transparency - really cool dude, not a jerk, not sexist, not a frat child, all around really awesome human. Which is why I was shocked at his DM trying to tell me what kind of content I should or should not post on MY Instagram. 

I got this job because I’m good at what I do and because of who I am. The fact that I’ve been drunk in my 20’s hardly qualifies as shocking to my current employer. That however is not my issue.

When I started asking around to my girlfriends about their DM experiences with mansplaining - because honestly - women aren’t slipping into my DM’s telling me how to live my life - I found that it’s really common to have this happen. 

Thats really wild to me. That men or anyone really, feel that they have the right to tell anyone else how to live their lives. I’ve made it this far, it’s not by luck either.  I didn’t giggle my way through life and just happen to find my way to all the incredible opportunities I’ve had. Don’t insult me by having the audacity to tell me to be smart. 

I think I’m doing ok. Better than ok. Don’t remember you along the way putting in the elbow grease pal. 

The thing that shocks me further is what men are willing to comment on. Post a sarcastic quote about love? A man is sure to slip into the DM’s to tell you you’re so beautiful why are you so bitter? Share a feminist quote in your stories? Here’s Bob to tell you feminism is about hating men and do you really hate men? Post a selfie? Come on over Jim, please tell me how you think I’m much more attractive with less makeup or brown hair.  

Sincerely gentlemen, we don’t care. I’m not sure who taught you that we only have self worth if men validate everything we do, but it’s wrong. Every single day women live our lives really successfully without wondering if Kevin thinks my hair looks sexy today. We build businesses, raise children, I dare say it - we get dressed in the morning without input from you. We certainly don’t need your opinions on something as trivial as our social media.  

As a side dish to this - I actually get dressed up for me. Not you. Cool if you think I look good but it’s much more important to me that I think I look good. And if a woman compliments my style? That’s a bigger deal than if a man were to say so. 

I cant wait for the men to troll me for this one. But Ashley, not all men are bad. If you were less opinionated about things like this, more men would be interested in you. Fuck off bro. If I have to explain those to you, we’ve got bigger problems and I’d like to unsubscribe from that level of insanity. 

What I’ll say to stop all of this is - mind your own business. This one is for everyone - men and women. We all have bigger things to do than provide play by play commentary on everyone else’s lives.  

My life exists in a really dope place without your input. I promise, I’ll make it through each and everyday without your suggestions on how I could do it better. 

Instead of taking the time to issue an opinion on how someone else chooses to do anything, turn that effort back on your own world and what you’re doing so wrong that you think you have the authority to speak to anyone else’s life.  

Men. Women are having a moment. We are angry because you won’t shut up about how we are angry. We’ve spent a really long time being told to look, act, feel a certain way. And we got tired. Excuse us if we come off a bit harsh (or don’t, we don’t care), but we don’t owe you an explanation for why we think it’s absolutely insane you need to tell us anything about our own lives.  

Spend less time telling us how to exist and more time asking us how you can help us thrive.  We will thrive. Best to learn how to do so along side us. Otherwise, we will leave you in the dust. And get your own broom. 

My 384th Mid Life Crisis

I’m really introspective. I’m constantly evaluating where I’m at, who I am, what I’m doing and how I can make adjustments to grow and be better. I want to maximize who I am and what I can do in this world. Because of that, I have a mid life crisis at least every other year. It’s so unnecessary and so annoying. And so me.

For someone who’s a all glitter, puppies, and sports - I’m quite the deep thinker. It’s never far from my mind that I’ve got a limited amount of time and I’m already about 1/3 into this thing and there’s no redo. It feels like walking up the stairs forever without seeing the top. And its not getting off on any of the floors to stop and see the sights. It’s just climbing and climbing and it never ends.

I don’t know why its at its most extra this year, but for some reason being 33 hit me really hard. I started thinking I was old. Too old for this, too young for that. Past my prime for this milestone. Too far from hitting that one. And the more I talked to friends in a similar life stage as I’m at, the more I realized I’m not alone. Everyone is out there questioning who they are, where they’re at, and what they should be doing differently.

I think part of living in a world where you have these really high expectations and you’re constantly thinking about every little detail of your life is that you hold it inside. You feel like a freak because that’s a heavy load of thoughts/feelings/fears. So it becomes this burden that you don’t dare speak out loud, making it heavier and heavier to carry inside. You fear speaking it out loud because it makes it real. And it makes it open for judgment.

Realistically, you’re not alone. Super not alone. I think a lot of people around you will say they’ve got the same exact fears at any given time. They’re worrying about their job, their finances, their relationships, their age, their skin, their clothes — every single thing — all the things! And there truly are so many things.

Now I’m not saying you should get out there and share all the thoughts in your head about this every time the mid life crisis creeps up. That’s next level and people have things they have to carry on their own. We all got a lot of shit to do. But you can confide in your people. You can say woah hey, this one is especially overwhelming can we hash some things out? And if you need more than a friendly ear and a glass of wine, call a therapist.

Therapy is my absolute favorite place for mid life crisis thirty. It’s a safe space with a neutral party who is ready to help talk you off the ledge and remind you that you’re not in fact crazy, you’re just really hard on yourself. You can make lists and do worksheets and its actual heaven for type A folks. I’m currently keeping a very detailed sleep journal for my therapist and I’m obsessed with the fact that it gives me an action point for helping myself.

If it’s a mini mid life crisis - you can take out your toolkit and manage that shit at home. Get in tune with where you’re at. Make your own list of things you love about yourself, things you’ve achieved, reasons people love you. Check off the bucket list items you’ve gone and done. And make a new list or vision board of where you want to go/what you want to achieve next. Setup a plan to achieve those things. I find when I can see a plan or a list in front of me, I’m able to get an idea for the bigger picture and calm myself the hell down. It gives me space to take a deep breath. To feel a little more in control of my situation and the path I’m on.

We also have to address the annoying societal standards in the world. I don’t know who invented these but sincerely stop. If I have to see one more Instagram model filtered and nipped and tucked and be told I have to be gorgeous and funny and smart and I’m going to lose it. Thankfully our generation is taking a stand and trying to move forward, but there are still a lot of life stages dictated by society/customs/religions/parents. It’s really hard to push back on these things. Especially when they’re family/faith/culturally based. At the end of the day though, you are in charge of your plan and your life. You have to understand that there are sincerely no rules to how life happens. Your stages might look differently than others and the expectations others have for you. And that’s okay. Remind yourself of this often. Life is hard enough, you don’t need the added pressure of pleasing others.

You also need to accept that you can’t control everything. The world is going to get wild and weird and you may have to zig where you planned to zag. Life has its own plan for you. That plan could involve more twists and turns than Carol who landed the dream job at 21 and found the dream guy at 22 and - you see what I’m saying? That’s not for you to plan. That’s for you to experience.

The mid life crisis life is hard. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s also really manageable and becomes less of a looming cloud if you take control to the best of your ability. Do whatever you have to in order to maintain balance. Leave yourself notes, set reminders on your phone, get out and do more of what makes you feel alive and thriving - whatever it is, don’t allow those mid life crisis to steal your confidence. Chin up sequins, life is made to be designed, and you, you’re custom.

Tis the Season

The holidays are HERE! Glitter and lights and food and presents and I LOVE IT ALL. I started watching Christmas movies at least 3 weeks ago. Mariah Carey’s Christmas album? Been on my Spotify since early November. I’d start wearing Christmas sweaters in June if it wasn’t so hot.

I’m a huge fan of the holidays. Really, I think most people are. It’s time with family and friends and being cozy. And there’s usually no work. The cheesy movies are everywhere, drinks flowing, what’s not to love?

It’s also been a really difficult year for a lot of people. And watching our current administration react abhorrently to that has reminded me just how lucky I am to not be experiencing the devastation a lot of Americans are.

From being ripped from their families, fires taking homes, pets, and family members, mass shootings - people are truly going through things I could never imagine. It makes me feel more compassion and a drive to help.

Sure, I still want Christmas presents, but I don’t really need anything. So my family has decided to cap Christmas presents this year and instead put our money towards a family in need. Because yea, I still want to open a stocking on Christmas morning, but I’m willing to give up the rest of my presents so someone else can have a stocking too.

Here’s the thing, if we ever hope to get ourselves in a better place as a country, we have to give back. We have to learn to care about people who are nothing like us. We have to help people going through things that don’t affect us.

Just because its not happening to you, doesn’t mean it doesn't concern you.

Read that back. Again and again. And maybe one more time for the folks in denial. And in the back. And in Washington. Could we get a billboard maybe?

Privilege exists because there are groups of people who by societal creation, don’t experience life the same way other people do. Those with privilege are born and have it a little easier because of how they were born. Skin color. Gender. Affluence. Name. Etc etc.

Realistically, privilege doesn’t save you from mother nature — that’s by chance. But privilege allows some of us to come out of those horrific events and rebuild quicker and better than others have the means to.

Privilege does dictate a lot of the other situations this administration has put people in. The hate, bigotry, racism - those are intentional and man made. They are put into the universe by people afraid of equality because it takes away from the advantage they have in life.

Again - if this ain’t your first blog with me, you’re aware that I’m not saying those in privilege are bad. Or should feel shame. Or apologize. They shouldn’t. But have awareness. Honestly everyone just have some awareness in general. Because I also don’t believe just because you’re born with less the world owes you more. 

I digress —  

For me, the holiday season reminds me of these things. It reminds me that yes, even privileged, I go through things. Admitting my privilege doesn’t mean I don’t suffer. My privilege does however give me a platform to speak up and to help others in doing so.

The holiday season reminds me that if I want a better world, I have to start with myself. I’ve got to give back where I can, speak up where I can, and lead by example.

My resources are not unlimited. I have bills to pay, I deserve to make purchases for things I want and enjoy doing, my time is valuable. That’s not an excuse for sitting back and staying quiet. Honestly, at the very least, I would hope you would want someone to help you if you ever came on hard times — do the same for them.

It blows my mind that people have to be told why they should care about giving back. About speaking up. About stepping outside their own lives to make the world a better place. You should never have to be someone else or go through another person’s struggles to have compassion. You should care because it’s the right thing to do. You should care because the world is bigger than you.

There are so many ways to give back. I hope you take the time to find a way that you can help others that works for you. I’m passionate about the Camp Fire because I’m from Northern California. I have family members in the area and this is my community. My heart aches for the people and animals who have gone through and will continue to go through so much. I’m also deeply passionate about equality, animal welfare, cancer research, among other things. So I find ways to give back to those areas where I can.

Domestic abuse is close to my heart as well. So when I lived in Texas, I found a thrift store that benefits a domestic violence shelter and I donated my used items to it. I shopped there. Do you know how easy that level of giving is? I simply dropped off my gently used items and then I shopped. All in the name of charity. It can be that simple. I literally shopped as a means of helping others. Start somewhere. Anywhere.

What are you passionate about? Find that and you’ll find how easy it is to get involved and stay involved in making that area of the world a better place.

Can I borrow your charger?

When I moved from Texas to California, I spent a lot of time around people. By the time I got to my new place, I realized I had been on the go, surrounded by humans for about a month straight. No alone time, no chill.

I am one of those introverted extroverts so while I dig being around humans and socializing, if I don’t have alone time every few days, I immediately have a meltdown. I’m irritable, cranky, I hate everything and everyone. My anxiety shoots through the roof. I’m a danger to society.

I’m obviously not the only person who feels this way. There’s a whole tribe of us who need a good night by ourselves in order to function. It’s like having that phone charger that only works when you hold it at a 45 degree angle when its 47 degrees and sunny.

So how do you manage in a world that’s super demanding on your time and energy? How do you balance the need to get out and be social and hole up to recharge?

First, I think it’s critical to accept your ambiguous self for who you are. I need time to myself. And if its too much time, I get depressed and need to be around people. I know that about myself. Instead of trying to justify it, explain it, or change it, I’m owning it. I don’t have to make sense to anyone, that’s not my purpose in life.

Along these lines, don’t apologize. Don’t explain. You need to take care of yourself. There’s no reason to make yourself more anxious and exhausted by attempting to explain the way you feel to someone who isn’t understanding. It’s really okay to say, this is what I’m doing. No, I can’t go. Quit providing a reason. The people who belong in your life, they don’t need one.

Next you need to be aware. It’s really easy to get busy and not manage your time nor yourself well. You make too many plans, you make no plans, you’re extra busy at work, traveling, all the things. Life comes at you fast. If you’re not pausing to check in with your calendar and yourself, you’re going to get in the danger zone. As someone who traditionally travels a lot for work, is in a job that forces me to be around people 24/7, and who involves herself in fitness classes with people - I often forget that’s a lot of time with other people. On the flip though, I’ll get overwhelmed from those things and say I’m not doing anything during the week/this weekend and then I’ve done the opposite, I’ve hermitted myself in my apartment with no social time.

I like to apply my 5/5 rule that I use at work to my personal life. Take 5 minutes in the morning to see what your day is going to look like and where you need to adjust and then take 5 minutes at the end of the day to see where you landed. When you check in with yourself, you can take inventory of what needs to change before you get in a bad place. And that’s the goal, stay as even as you possibly can with the knowledge that life is weird, that doesn’t always occur.

I’m a list girl. Lists are beautiful. I like to keep a list on hand (seriously, in my phone, what a nerd) of quick ways to feed whatever I need. If I’m feeling really overwhelmed and exhausted, I can take 10 minutes for a face mask when I get home, take a hot shower, put my headphones in and go for a run. And equally if I’m feeling lonely or sad, I’ve got my go to squad to reach out to for a text, call, or dinner.

With that being said, you have to put in the work. Just like keeping yourself physically healthy is a lot of planning, acting, and then reacting, so is mental health. It also means doing a lot of experimenting. What works for me might not work for you. And what you might have done two years ago, might not work now. There’s no magical formula for how to recharge and realign your world. There’s also no good formula that lasts forever, just like there’s no bad formula that’s permanent.

A Spade is a Spade

This one is going to feel a bit offensive to a few of you. But I couldn’t care less. We’ve all seen the spike in MLM marketing, social selling, network marketing - look whatever you want to call it - its the pyramid scheme of our generation.

And it’s gotten out of hand.

I can’t hardly go a day without getting invited to join a team.

Thankfully, its become a bit more acceptable to cold shoulder the situation. Because what I’ve never understood is why its my job to be mindful of your feelings when you don’t understand the word no.

I get it. You’re just trying to make a living. Aren’t we all? I’d like to address some of the frustrations head on because for some reason, folks just don’t get it. I can say no, ignore messages, and still - I’m being sent the same damn messaging over and over. And over. And I’m the jerk when I say stop.

Entrepreneur

On no planet is MLM something that makes you an entrepreneur. Straight up, you paid to sell someone else’s idea. They are the entrepreneur. You are the salesperson. There is nothing original or enterprising about what you do. You are literally given a step by step guide for how to sell. Its evident in the cookie cutter messaging in my inbox.

Additionally, I have a hard time even thinking of you as a legitimate salesperson. I will caveat this by saying there are a select few of you who I’ve seen succeed and generally I have no complaints about. However - if you’re calling yourself a salesperson or network marketer, and you’ve created an environment that annoys others, that badgers them on social media, you’re not good at what you do. If I did that at my job, I wouldn’t last long. To create a good brand, you need to be mindful of how you as a person represent that brand.

Small Business

Sure fine call yourself a small business because you’re technically a business of one. But quite frankly, that’s misleading as well and you’re not fooling anyone. You are actually representing a large business. You ladder up to a company that is the brand and is generally a large company.

Can’t Work a Traditional Job

I’m understanding of everyone’s lifestyle. We all go through things. We all would prefer to work on our own time and terms. But I promise you, the rest of us go to regular jobs quite often and we make it work somehow. Women and men often work more than one “traditional” job just to barely get by. I don’t know many people who aren’t operating a “side hustle.” If you’ve chosen network marketing as your main gig, that’s great, that’s your choice. However, don’t try to tell the rest of us its somehow the only option and we are supposed to be empathetic to that. I go to my 9-5, run a blog, a consulting business, and still find ways to workout, be a good friend, partner when I want to be, and have a life. You can too.

Support your Friends

I see this often. Shop small. You buy product from celebrities, why not your friends? I do shop local. I shop at the small stores in town who sell custom pieces. I buy from friends and family who are artists and bakers and farmers and designers. I get food at the Farmer’s Market on Saturday. You, selling for a company worth millions of dollars, you’re not local. Ultimately, I’m more willing to buy a Kylie Jenner lip kit than I am the skin cream that’s sold worldwide. At least the woman created and markets her own products.

I decided to finally do a post on this because I’m tired of the way these people push the messages and pester people and we are expected to continue to be polite. I’d challenge you to understand that if we are in fact your friends and family, show us a little more respect. If we say we aren’t interested, let it go. Keep pushing your product and doing what you need to do on the socials because I can unfollow that. If you continue to message me and don't get the very clear message I’m sending you, that makes you not a very effective “small business owner.” And I’m going to go with the block button. I’d rather see everyone’s puppy posts and legitimate endeavors.

UGH - so harsh Ashley. Look, it is, and its necessary. There’s a reason we all complain about it, post memes about it, and end friendships over it. I’m not bringing you my work everyday, asking you to join my company over and over - it’s simply not professional. It’s not good business nor is it good social practice.

If it was so successful for so many people, ya’ll wouldn’t constantly be switching between products and giving up all together in 6 months. For the most part, for most people, it doesn’t work. Its even a bit insulting to your friends and family when you represent it as your great success. If it’s so successful, why are you years later still working your main job when you’ve sent those notes to me about it being the pipeline to this endless income?

Sure, it works for someone or these companies wouldn’t exist. But the stats are there and it works for so little people, otherwise we’d all be doing it. Thank you Susan in Iowa for pointing out that you make millions off this, congratulations, you’re the one person. Pardon me if I’d still like to pass.

If I offended you, you’re probably in MLM and maybe you’ll stop hounding me. Kidding, sort of. Honestly, my aim is never to offend, but it happens, and I’m willing to be that guy on this one.

California Dreaming

I am a California girl. Something I really struggled with in Texas was the lack of outdoor living. I thrive when I can be near mountains and beaches and in general live most of my life outside. Texas just isn’t an outdoor state. A lot of the year its too hot to get outdoors and in Dallas, there’s one nature trail and lakes that are ripe with snakes! Being that I traveled most of my two years in Texas, its not something I truly noticed until the end of my time there. I honestly spent the majority of my two years in Dallas, not in Dallas. Never really had to think much about how I felt about living there because I’m not really sure I did for a long time.

I was also really unhappy at my job. Although I had been able to work on some incredible projects, big name clients, and truly grow my skill set, I didn’t feel it was somewhere I could be happy. I was either in a position that lacked good leadership and took over my life or I wasn’t challenged enough or passionate enough about what I was doing. Which is why I sought to leave.

This new role I’m in is not something I sought out. It’s in an area I swore I’d never live in. It’s in a field I have no experience in. On paper, it gets me back to everything I’ve talked about having for the past few years. The outdoor lifestyle. Closer to my family and friends. A company that’s challenging me with work I’m excited about. A team that values me for who I am. Fair pay, insane benefits. The opportunity to have a life that I enjoy.

And yet, I’ve never been more terrified about a next move in my entire life. I spent the first week in my new city overthinking everything. I was anxious every moment of the day. I kept questioning if I made the right decision.

Why when I’m seemingly being handed everything I’ve ever wanted in this moment, I am the most afraid and unhappy?

Most of my life I’ve lived looking for what’s next. I’ve had some part of the package that doesn’t fit and leaves me needing to move on. I think what has scared me the most about this move is that it has the opportunity to be permanent. To be somewhere I can be content. That I don’t have to constantly be looking for where I’ll go next. Where I’m at now can be an investment in building a life where I stay put.

For the past 6+ years, I’ve been on a journey that is easy for me to leave. I’ve made so many friends that are hard to leave, but the actual places I’ve lived and jobs I’ve had, I’ve left without looking back. I’ve always arrived knowing I’d leave sooner rather than later. It was never scary because I knew I didn’t plan to stay.

Arriving here feels more real and serious because this could be where I finally dig in roots and build a future. And that scares me. That’s a future that puts pressure on me to succeed.

I’m sure many can relate to the idea of needing to feel ready to up and leave. That there’s always an out. And sure, there’s an out for me here. I can always leave. I’m not required to be here forever. But there’s a lot more at stake for me. My family is here. My friends are mostly here (or close by). I love this state. I’m invested in this job and the people on my team. I love the brand I work for. If I fail here, it means something. I think it’s a huge test of what I’m made of in business.

If I’m to guess what my therapist would say, she’d probably point to my fear of failure (and thinking I’m not good enough or achieving enough) and my fear of commitment (my need to only rely on myself).

I’m probably afraid that because this is something familiar (and yet unfamiliar in my new role), I’m taking a huge risk and failing here, not achieving enough here, that’s heavy for me. Like there’s no diet capable of removing that kind of weight.

I’m also very much not on my own here. I can’t simply hole up and avoid the world around me. My circle here wouldn’t allow that. Whether I like it or not, I’m not alone. I cant hide because there are too many people here to find me. I can’t create a distance or put up a wall.

Reading all this, thinking through it all, it makes me feel a bit of relief. Its wild to think the familiar is what can scare us the most. But it makes sense. Coming back feels full circle, but it also nags at me as a failure. And it all suffocates me a bit.

I think if I’m honest, the scariest thing I’ve ever done is come back to California. To embark on something both wildly familiar and wildly out of my comfort zone. I’ve moved thousands of miles away and moving home is the scariest experience I’ve ever had.

The point is, the things that should seem to be the easiest, can often be the most difficult. Just because something appears to be a situation you should handle with ease does not mean you will. And that’s ok.

The experiences we expect to be the best days of our lives can cause us the most anxiety, fear, and sadness. And that’s ok.

It’s the every day that often causes our mental health to suffer the most. Because those are the times we don’t check in with ourselves and ask for help. Nobody wants to say “this really awesome thing is happening to me and I want to cry every second of the day.” We don’t feel safe in reaching out because on the surface, nothing terrible is happening, why in the world would we be suffering?

I spent most of the time not telling anyone how much I was hurting. How I woke up sweating, in a panic. How I cried for the first time in 3-68 years. I pretended to thrive on the excitement and be only thinking of how incredible my life was. How lucky I was for this next adventure. An adventure that quite literally was handed to me. Inside, I was crumbling.

I wish I had spoken up and expressed my feelings to someone. That’s what your people are there for. To help you when you don’t know how to help yourself.

I’m in a better place now. I’m excited. I’m looking forward to all the possibilities. I’m confident in what I bring to the table. I have my moments. I’m human - as much as I’ve fought it - I’ve got feelings!

Who thought my boldest adventure yet would be to go home again?

Often times our emotions don’t make sense. There’s all these rules dictating how you should feel in any given situation. And yet, we all know those rules don't always hold. We aren’t alone. Stop holding it in and start talking about it. The more we open up and say what’s going on, the more we find people who are going through something similar. You may even help someone around you who went through the same thing.

At the end of the day, don’t dismiss how you feel. You know yourself better than anyone. You know when you need help and when you’re just going through something. Don’t let it get bad. And don’t shame yourself for needing to speak up. There’s no rules  to surviving, I just ask that you do.

Career Corner: Playing Nice

We all know the worst part about working is often the people. When you’re working in an office you’ve got to interact with so many different types of people in a day and its exhausting. But you’re at work, so you can’t tell Susan in accounting to go fuck herself. You’ve got to play nice.

As kids we were taught basic skills like keep your hands to yourself. Be nice. Really working as an adult is the same thing. You can’t touch anyone and you’ve got to find a way to not be an asshole. It’s just harder as an adult. The days are longer. Carol in sales is so annoying. Jim in marketing? Nobody cares about your frat lifestyle at 35 bro.

I wish this was the blog where I tell you, who cares, be a jerk, tell everyone off, it’s fine! Your career won’t suffer, it’s a big bold move! It’s not. You unfortunately have to play the game. You’ve got to play nice.

Here’s how we are going to get through this together:

1.       Accept it

You have to stop making excuses or justifying any bad behavior. Accept that being an adult in the workplace means playing nice. There’s no way around it. Even if you work from home, you’ve got to put on the nice voice on the phone. Just know the rules and understand there’s no way out.

2.       Treat Everyone with Respect

The basic rule is that everyone deserves respect. Whether you like it or not, you can’t be disrespectful. If someone is being blatantly disrespectful to you, have that conversation with the appropriate parties, but you can’t be an ass because someone else is. There’s a decorum and you’ve got to show respect

3.       Have the Conversation

If someone isn’t being nice to you, talk to them. Or talk to HR. Stop the problem before it starts. Don’t allow it to fester and don’t allow it to create some dramatic situation. Don’t gossip about it. Nip it in the bud. And if it’s truly just ridiculous, let it go. Some people are petty. Wish them well and move on.

4.       Check In

Give yourself a review. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our own work so we forget to check in and see if we are in fact being a nice person to work with. Not everyone has to like you but they shouldn’t feel disrespected by you or that you’re cruel. Always make time to check in with the people around you – especially during stressful times.

5.       Be Realistic

Look sometimes you’re going to snap. Sometimes you’re going to make that rude sarcastic comment. It happens. Be humble. Apologize when you need to. And let it go when its just not that big of a deal. Nobody is perfect. Aim to be kind but with the knowledge that sometimes you’re grumpy.

I’m the queen of the sarcastic dry humor. I like to poke fun at people. 98% of the time I’m sugar and sweet, but that 2% spice, that’s some extra shit that almost negates the 98% that was an angel. So realistically, this piece was probably for me. I get the struggles it takes to be nice sometimes. Especially when people are idiots. However, and this is critical, in the 3 million jobs I’ve had – I have learned that when you are nice, it makes the whole experience a lot better.

And if you’re still rolling your eyes, think of how small the world is. Especially the job industry. Chances are, somebody knows somebody. So, if you’re an asshole, eventually someone somewhere is going to remember that. And they’re going to say something. And it’s going to keep you from getting hired somewhere. I’ve seen it happen so many times. The world is a hell of a lot smaller than you think!

What have we learned today? Play nice. It’s good karma. It’s important for your career. And it’s incredible for your mental health and happiness at the office.

Thankful

Thanksgiving again? 2018 was fast and furious man. But here we are. And now I’ve got to write about what I’m thankful for. This year, as I embark on a new career journey, I am thankful for my ethics. Weird right?

Let me explain. I have really high standards when it comes to ethics. I believe in doing what’s right essentially 100% of the time. There are very few instances in which I’m willing to compromise my commitment to that.

It’s caused me quite a few issues in the workplace as well as in my personal life. And that’s been frustrating. It’s really hard for me to understand how anyone could not act ethically. I’ve lost out on good jobs, friendships, relationships – because I refuse to compromise that value.

I sort of always thought that would be my lot in life. That I was doomed to just have the uncomfortable situations where I refuse to compromise my ethics and I’m shamed for it or it causes me to lose out at work.

I was hired at my recent gig in large part because of who I am. My commitment to being authentic and highly ethical. I want to be a good human and do what’s right and finally, I’m somewhere that appreciates those things about me. Is it perfect in its own right every time? Absolutely not. And I’m willing to say they’ve got work to do. But the transparency and willingness to change is huge.

I am so thankful for it. I love these parts of me and I don’t ever want to have to compromise them for anyone. Being valued for them, feels so incredible.

I’d say to anyone out there who questions a quality about themselves, stop. Stay the path. Eventually, the thing that may be holding you back somewhere will be the thing that propels you farther than you ever thought possible.

I’m at a one of the largest most respected and sought-after companies in the world, and I haven’t compromised a damn thing to get there. I’m me and that’s enough.

Be thankful for the best parts of you that go unappreciated. Eventually, they’ll be what sets you apart in the best way. It’s not always the easiest process nor is it the quickest, but it’s worth the commitment to what matters to you. To being authentic to you and your highest values.

Along the same lines – I am thankful for the people in my life who have the same high ethics. The people who just really want to be better and do better for not just themselves, but for people they don’t even know. I see what you do each day to give back, to be kind to strangers, and to educate yourselves, and I appreciate you.

I am beyond thankful for you because you would never think to ask be to compromise my own ethics. In fact, a lot of you push me to be even better, and that’s incredible. I’m not perfect. I don’t aim to be. But I aim to be a decent human being and that’s important today.

Mostly I’m thankful for being able to appreciate these qualities in myself and others. I’ve become annoyingly introspective in a healthy way these days and it builds my confidence to know and love these things about myself. Unless you’ve lived the unhealthy criticism life, you don’t know how freeing and just plain good it feels to be able to acknowledge something awesome about yourself without qualifying it.

I know a lot of people sit around the table at Thanksgiving and talk about what they’re thankful for. I challenge you to go beyond the surface. Maybe doing it in front of everyone isn’t for you but take some time to yourself and think of what you’re most thankful for within yourself, and within the people around you. It doesn’t take long and it can provide you with a quick confidence boost (and probably mood boost) when you do. It’s the beginning of the Holiday season folks. Lots to celebrate. Lots to be thankful for. Lots to look forward to.

The Holiday season is definitely my favorite time of year (basic babes unite) because it allows me to reflect, set my intentions, and eat. Whatever, that last one is your favorite too.

What are you thankful for sequins? Let me know if you do something nontraditional during the Holidays to express gratitude. I’d love to hear about it!

The Story Continued...

Telling my sexual assault story was something I went back and forth on for a really long time.  It’s something that was really hard for me to share. I don’t enjoy talking about any part of it and I don’t think I owe anyone any part of it. It’s my story. My experience. And mine to deal with however I see fit.

But I also have a strong voice. And I’m an advocate for speaking up when it can help someone else. A lot of you reached out to me to offer support and share with me your stories. And for that reason, I want to continue the discussion.

I want to emphasize that in no way should me feeling the need to keep talking make you feel that I believe it’s the only way to do this. To survive is always enough. You get to choose how/when/if you share your story – and with whom to share it. I simply feel I can talk about it more and I want to. For my own selfish healing, and because I hope that even one person reads this and feels a connection that could help them.

I still haven’t shared my detailed story with anyone. I’ve shared pieces. And I think that’s the way it will always be.

While I understand talking about the physical act and the horrific nature of what happens can be a really eye-opening way to show just how awful sexual assault is; I choose to focus on the lasting mental effects.

Certainly the physical effects can be extensive. But what a lot of people don’t know is that experiencing sexual assault never leaves you. You don’t forget about it. You heal, but you don’t magically cease to have that part of you exist. It lives with you long after everyone else has forgotten it happened. And it comes back to you when you least expect it.

For me it shows up in my anxiety. I’m a bit irrational when it comes to safety. I am always planning an escape and generally suspicious of most situations. I don’t like large crowds. Personal space issues? I think I invented those. I’d definitely attribute these things to not just my assault, but it plays a large part.

Something I’ve noticed since sharing my story is that the people closest to me understand my anxieties just a little bit better. And that makes me feel less anxious. One of the hardest things about living with anxiety is that not everyone understands your triggers. Which in turn, makes your anxiety worse.

I also recently realized how much my confidence was affected by what happened. I lost respect for myself and doubted my value. And I made a lot of choices that weren’t a reflection of what I really wanted for myself. I projected an outward confidence that simply didn’t exist inside me. I hated who I was for a really long time and I allowed the opinions of others control a lot of my perception of myself.

Only recently have I invested in myself to correct my confidence issue. I’ve spent a lot of time and money to go to therapy, journal, reflect – you name it, I’ve tried it. It’s made such a huge difference. I cannot imagine not loving myself ever again. I cannot imagine making decisions to do things I don’t want to do. And I cannot fathom allowing other people’s opinions to dictate what I think of myself.

All that to say – being a survivor of sexual assault makes you a complex person. Even more complex is that no two stories are the same. So, the after effects are not the same. Every story is truly unique. But nothing about is simple. The story doesn’t end when the assault ends.