Whiner Whiner Chicken....Shut Up

I'm not sure if it's because I'm in a good place but I seem to feel as if everyone around me has a whole lot to whine about. Whether they're too busy, hate their job, their partner isn't hearing them, they're feeling bad about themselves, they can't get over a relationship, the list goes on and the complaints are never ending.

For me, there's an acceptable level of whining in life. And there are rules around what's acceptable to complain about in the first place.

And a majority of the things people are whining about are not on the acceptable list. They've also exceeded the allotted time allowed for whining.

If you've created a problem for yourself. If you're refusing to accept a situation for what it is. If you're unwilling to make a change - shut up. Stop whining.

While I may seem harsh (It's because I am), the point is, as an adult, you owe it to yourself and those around you to be better. Stop complaining and start actively being a participant in the success of your life.

I don't know if as a culture we've become extra sensitive or we feel the need to constantly evaluate our feelings but I promise you, you're just fine. You're having a hard time because you've created a hard time. You can't get out of the rut because all you do is exist in the rut.

I'm so sick of people who just whine.

I am always here to support you as a friend but if the root of your problem is you, I'm going to tell you. As your friend, I owe you the truth so that you can grow and become your best you.

I am not the friend you go to if you want the lie. I won't tell you I'm sorry life is being so unfair to you. I'm not going to commiserate with you about things that are within your control. It's insulting to me, you, and life.

Lately I've been so overwhelmed and frustrated with the drama that others have tried to bring into my world by their constant negativity and self centered complaining. And what I realized is that if I'm choosing to engage in that, I'm creating the negative situation for myself. So I spoke up.

I started saying yes, it is you. I'm sorry you feel this way but you're putting yourself in this situation. I hate that you're unhappy but you're not doing anything to make yourself happy. It's awful you're in a job you hate but I haven't seen you put the effort in to get a new one.

And I have not stopped.

Sure - it's caused some awkwardness and tension in the friendship. I've gone radio silent with a couple people because they're still not in a place to get it.

I deserve attention and support too. And I deserve a friend who wants to make it about me too. And I want to surround myself with people who value growth, who don't settle for thinking life owes them anything.

I'm going to be honest again - I've been there. I've complained and asked why me when the why IS me. I've been the root of my own problem. And I probably will have moments like that again. However, for the most part, I'm a woman of action.

I don't like my job? I get a new one. I hate where I've moved? I move again. I'm in a bad relationship? I end it.

Surely that's not easy. And it's often a process.

But stop with the "I could never do that." or "That's so cold." It's not. You're making excuses because you haven't found the courage to take action.

If you're not in a place to move on from the whining and complaining, do you. But just you. Don't poison anyone else by bringing that choice into their world. Be responsible for your own situation and respect the people you love by not burdening them with your drama. Harsh much? Yes. Because being a grown up is being accountable for who you are to the people you love.

Life gets better when you make the active choice to be a participant in the way it goes. And you're a better teammate when you take responsibility for how you engage with the team. Are you in it for the win or are you okay sitting in the bench with a participation trophy?

Live Loud, Silently.

Unless you post about it on the socials, people assume you're not living life. How weird is that? Like if you don't post about your relationship, your job, your weekend fun, it didn't happen. Call me crazy but the less I'm on social media, the more I'm living my fullest life.

And yet - if I'm social stalking someone and they haven't posted in awhile - haven't put up an IG photo with BAE - I assume they broke up. Which makes no sense.

Say it with me: Just because you choose not to post about it, doesn't mean it's not real.

Life is meant to be lived really loud. It's meant to travel, adventure, spend time with others, eat, drink, run - its meant for all of the activities. You go out and get the dream job. Go on the bucket list trip. Marry the love of your life. And at the same time, the bad things happen too. We get fired. We experience breakups. We lose loved ones. It's all part of the circle of existing in the world. Or as Lion King so eloquently taught us - the circle of life. Disney really did teach us everything we ever need to survive and thrive.

Social media doesn't have to be involved in every step of your journey. Some things are meant to be kept to yourself, there's an energy and joy in holding some things close to your soul. I personally love keeping secrets. I think its exciting to be the only one (or among a select few) to know something happening in the world. As someone who used to share everything about my life on the socials, I've learned the peace that comes with experiencing milestones without social involvement.

Ok lady but you write a blog in which you share some very personal things. you're absolutely correct. But I get to craft the content you're receiving. I don't share anything I don't want to share. And a lot of the gritty details of my experiences, I hold them back because they're my business, not yours. My social media, and my blog - they are authentic to who I am - but they are also only a small snippet of who I am. As always - social media is and always will be, a highlight reel.

I love photos - and I'm constantly on my phone snapping pictures. Sure, sometimes for the socials - but most often, to have the memories. I like to print the photos I take and send them to friends and family and I like to frame them for my home and office. I associate pictures with vivid feelings. And so I like to keep them near. They remind me of how lucky I am, how much I've grown, how many experiences I've been lucky enough to have.

And I'm also a big proponent of setting the phone down. Of experiencing things without posting them. Sure - share things that make you feel joy, and scrolling the feeds can often bring smiles and memories and engage you with people who greatly affect your life. Social media is a powerfully positive tool. But it's also powerfully negative. Log off. Set the phone down. Walk away. Experience whatever moment you are in for what it is. There's something freeing about being completely unavailable and silent on the socials.

Creating a healthy relationship with social media starts with being able to shut it down. To have perspective. And to be able to utilize it as an enhancement, not a life force.

We've become so obsessed with how we appear on social media we forget to actually live life.

Seriously - do you know the people who go on vacations and then save photos to use at a later date? It appears they're always traveling or on an adventure when realistically, they went on one trip for a week a year ago and just keep posting photos. Or how about the people who take 100 selfies and just post them at different times? And the posed food photos others take and store to make sure they have content available at all times. That's a lot of time and energy just to mold a perfectly crafted news feed.

I got so frustrated with one of my best friends on vacation because she always wanted posed photos of herself on our trip. What about photos of us? Or of the scenery? I get it - everyone deserves to do life how they choose - but I want to experience it all. And not worry about how I look doing it. I want time with the people and places that matter. (To be fair - not everyone does things the same way and we are more like sisters at this point so we are supposed to annoy each other lol).

I have friends who only post on certain days/times or certain amounts to maximize likes. Not because they're famous or sponsored or doing it for work, because they simply want likes. What do likes provide you? If your self worth is defined by how many likes you get - you've got a problem.

Am I going to completely get off social media? I'm not. I absolutely get caught up in it at times. There are even times in which I feel unhappy as a direct result of social media. And when that happens, I want to be able to recognize it and walk away. Even for a brief amount of time.

You don't owe anyone any part of your life that you don't want to share. In fact, life will become a lot more enjoyable and a lot more peaceful by not sharing more than you share. Share some things, save others. Log on and then spend time logged off. Make social media enjoyable, not a chore and not a burden. Live your life in the world super loud but live in online silently. You won't regret not posting, but you may regret posting.

Different is Wrong

Hot take: It's perfectly ok to dislike someone simply because they have a different opinion than you. In today's delicate/heated/WTF is going on political environment, we often see people encouraging being accepting of different opinions, and in most cases, I'll agree. But if I'm keeping it real, if you back 45, I don't like you. And I think you're a bad person. And quite frankly, you are.

That goes in direct contrast to accepting different viewpoints. And I don't care. The only reason people who do support 45 claim its political - that its close minded to not accept them, is because they need to justify their ways. They don't have a defense for the wrongdoings of our current administration. Because there are no justifications. the go to is simply "well you're close minded" and "you only want to talk to people who think like you do." I love talking to people that have different viewpoints than I do. Let's chat a woman's right to choose, let's discuss gay marriage - the discussions are lively and often times, I learn something. But I have no desire to discuss anything with someone who thinks there is any reason to support a bigot. There's simply nothing to discuss, you're not making good choices, and that's a reflection of who you are inherently.

We've seen the facts - literally from his own mouth - 45 is not a good person. He's unqualified, ignorant, racist, an admitted sexual abuser and he's just bad for America (and the world). If you defend this person, even on the basis of political policy, you are also a bad person.

It's ok to be Republican and not support 45 - there's no loyalty to be had there. And there's no party disloyalty by not accepting someone who crumples the values you stand for. It's beyond political party - and honestly, he's making Republicans look really bad. Why would you want that of your party? The recovery alone from this non wavering support is going to be insane. Just another reason parties as a whole are absurdly ineffective and ancient practice. We don't need them.

I get it, that may seem as if I'm ignorant and hateful - but here's where you're wrong. What's going on right now, it's not ok. And in the future, when he's gone, we will know who stood on the side of wrong. And it will affect you in the future. You cant outrun being a bad person.

When people are wrong - and just plain horrible people - we need to stand against that (and those who support it). It's ok to not accept a viewpoint of hate. And it makes you a good human being for recognizing something so horribly wrong that you have to say to someone, I do not accept your different viewpoint.

Because I don't. I don't accept that you feel ok supporting someone who flat out admits sexually assaulting women simply because he can. I don't accept that you can justify a man who put children in camps after ripping them from their families. I don't accept you for believing it's ok that a man makes racist remarks from the office of the white house. I don't accept that viewpoint and I don't accept you for it. You are wrong, and you are embodying these horrible views.

Stating that you aren't racist/sexist/an abuser - but still supporting someone in power who is these things, that doesn't work. You are these things because you won't stand against them. Just because you've never outwardly acted in such a way doesn't mean you're against them. Enabling those that do, makes you part of the problem. It makes you just as bad.

It's not a difference of politics at this point. It's not a difference of opinion. It's wrong. Americans deserve better - and as the leaders of the free world, we owe everyone else more too.

I am not close minded because I don't accept your support of a traitor, criminal, sexual predator. You are ignorant and hateful because you can't see the problem with supporting such a person. Realistically, you don't see the problem with your actions either from a lack of education or a lack of exposure to the situations minorities face - and that's no longer an excuse either. Simply being ignorant or from a time where things were different - that's not a viable excuse.

It may not matter to you if you're shown in history as someone who is wrong, but it matters to me. Because as a person who wants better for the future, I care how I exist in the now. And I don't care if you think I'm a bad person for thinking you're a bad person. I know what's right and hate isn't right.

This one may lose me some friends and followers - and that's ok. Being a better person matters to me more than a couple friends who aren't people I should spend time with anyways and please, if I'm doing this for the followers, I'm failing. Like three people read this thing, and two are related to me.

My Best Me

ITS OCTOBER! October is where I'm my best me. It's the month of my birth, Championship baseball season (GO GIANTS...even when they're not in it), college football is in full swing, the air is crisp, the leaves are changing, and Halloween/Pumpkin life has arrived. The way a lot of people feel about Summer is the way I feel about October. I thrive the entire month.

Do ya'll have a time of year when you feel you're at your best? Like you can conquer the world?

This whole idea of living your best life at a certain time of year got me thinking, how do we bottle that up and use it throughout the rest of the year? It seems silly to only be your best you for part of the year. That's a lot of other time spent not being your best you, and that's a lot of time you could be doing so.

As always, I'm using me as an example for this exercise. What makes me feel my best me? I'm very affected by weather. I hate heat. I like when it's chilly and I need greenery. I need open spaces and to see blue skies. I'm also a huge sports fan. In the Fall, all the best sports are in their prime. I'm also a kid at heart, I love my Birthday and celebrating myself. It's all sparkles and smiles and being surrounded by people I love.

Ok -so let's break that down.

Weather: LOL Ashley you cannot control the weather. It cannot be Fall all year round. But you can escape to where it feels a little more Fall. When its unbearably hot where I'm currently living, I can escape to somewhere cooler. Hate Winter? Get yourself to the Caribbean for a lovely getaway. The point is, you are not a tree, move!

Sports: I freaking love the sports. I hate that brief period of time that it's not football or baseball season, its torture! But I can find other sports to get interested in. And I can reminisce on past moments that made me super happy in sports. Are you big into flowers and it's not spring? Have some flowers delivered to yourself and keep them in your home for an instant smile. Too hot for a cup of warm tea and a blanket? Turn the AC up and indulge!

Birthday: Cool, so realistically I can't change or add days for my birthday. But I can celebrate myself other days. Had an awesome day at work? Great let's get ice cream! And when I think about it, what I love most about my birthday is the people I share it with. I get more time and attention with the people I love. Why wait for a day? I can spend more time with the people I love any day! Chances are the days you like the celebrate are because of the people around you and the way they make you feel. So stop waiting for a given day, see them because they matter to you every single day.

A million things align for us to be our best selves. And we can find a million excuses for when we aren't our best selves. It's all controllable even when its uncontrollable. LOL - what does that even mean? It means when you can't control things, control how you react. Choose to say whatever bad day, let's get drinks. Ok office jerk, forget you - headphone times! Adjust the day and make it more conducive to living your best life.

It's time for the lesson. Stop waiting for the best time of the year to live your best life, to be your best you. Figure out why Summer/Fall/October/December are your favorite time of year and figure out how you can recreate those feelings the rest of the year. Being your best you for a short period of time is wasting a long period of time that you could be thriving. Don't let the rest of the year suck because you're not in prime you season. Make every moment a moment you can live your best life as your best you.

The Future is Still Female

I often talk about being a woman and how hard that can be in a culture that favors men. Today I'm going to give specific examples of areas it's hard to be a woman and how you can become a strong woman by turning that situation in your favor. Sometimes all it takes is a shift in perspective to shift the odds in your favor.

1. The Glass Ceiling

We all know about the wage gap. It's real. It's really hard to be a woman in a world that places men in charge more often than women, that pays women less for the same work, and that still chastises women for being strong when it praises men for the same behavior. Acknowledge these things and forget them. Do what men do. Ask for what you deserve, and be prepared to walk away if you aren't given it. Own the idea as your own, stop giving credit where credit is not due. If you're called a bitch for standing up for yourself, stop the dialogue right there. Don't be intimidated by the attempts to shut down your strength. It takes a lot of energy and confidence to put these things into action. You have to believe in yourself and you will have to repeat these things over and over. But men don't apologize for being loud. They take the credit, sometimes when it's not theirs to take. And they ask for the raise. The only way for you to get the same respect, the additional money, the title - you've got to speak up. And you've got to ignore the people who shame you for these things. The right company, the right culture - they'll recognize the value you provide, and they'll appreciate the strong woman you are because it benefits their bottom line as much as it does yours.

2. The Harassment

Harassment happens daily for most of us. Between cat calls, inappropriate behavior, unwanted touching, and so much more - women face a lot of behavior that's just plain wrong. It gives us emotions that ranges from uncomfortable to legitimate fear. Quote honestly, I'm with Iliza Schleisinger, it stems from the fact that men are born stronger than women. They know that we can't overpower them in most cases. And that's what stops us a lot of times. Even when we get brave and speak up, there's that little moment you think "Oh shit, is he going to kill me?" And that sucks. However, not saying anything, that's even scarier. Take the power away. Call out the abuser. And if you have to, take appropriate legal action. In the workplace, at the grocery store, at the bars, stop this behavior in its tracks. And when you see it happening to others, say something. You don't owe anyone their comfort when they've stolen yours. You don't have to laugh. And you don't have to explain yourself. If you feel unsafe, that's enough to justify a response. Call it out, take proper recourse, and continue doing so. Let them call you angry, let them claim they weren't interested in you, let them shame you. That's not on you, that's on them. They know what they did was wrong. Encourage your male counterparts to speak up too. Talk to them frankly, explain how these things make you feel. How they're not ok. That's the only way we stop this. By not allowing it to slide by without a word.

3. Feminists are Angry Man Hating Women

First of all, we are angry. We are angry because we want equality. But feminists don't hate men. The only thing feminists want are equal rights. When you hear people labeling feminists as man haters, dykes, or other derogatory misguided comments - correct these people. Often times, you can't change their minds, but you should sure as hell try. There are a lot of uneducated people, sadly, a lot of women, who have no idea what feminism is. Maybe they're shown poor examples or maybe, they're ignorant - bottom line, stop and make the correction. Feminism isn't going anywhere, best to show we are a force to be reckoned with in the best possible way. And be a good example of what it means to be a feminist. The strongest way we can push our agenda is to exist as strong women. Watch the way you speak about women and men. Are you living a life that shows equality is your focus? Check yourself and make changes where you need to in order to truly focus on what being a feminist means.

4. The Pressures of looking perfect

This one is my favorite because what does perfect even mean? Personally, I have no desire to look like a lot of IG models/real models/celebrities. My ideal body type is strong, healthy, and a little curvy. For someone else, they prefer to be thin with minimal curves. The point is, whatever your ideal body type is, that's what perfect is. Additionally, you aren't made to please anyone else. It's not our job to look any certain way for a man (or women if you're gay). You don't owe looking any which way to anyone. Sometimes, I look disgusting and I have the audacity to go out in public when I do - and I won't apologize for that. Stop comparing yourself, stop getting yourself to a place that's unhealthy or unhappy because you need to look a certain way. Begin to talk about yourself and others in a really positive way. Compliment each other on the things you love about you. Instead of focusing on looks, celebrate the successes of who you are. Start young. Teach little girls they're more than how they look. I like to leave myself post its that remind me what I love about me. Some days it is physical (cute butt), but often times it has more to do with who I am. And STOP judging other women based upon their looks. We all judge but redefine how you look at women. Start seeing the positive things (hey girl, love your style) rather than either hating on a heavy/thin woman, change the dialogue because her looks have nothing to do with you.

5. That's not ladylike

Fuck. That. Shit. Seriously. What is ladylike? You know what's ladylike? Being whomever and whatever you like. We already have to give birth (if we so choose), let's go ahead and not make any other demands of a woman, because that's already superhuman. If you want to swear, dress "like a man" (ok society, whatever that means), not step foot in a kitchen in your life - do it. There's no rules. Men and women do not need to fit into defined roles. Being ladylike is owning your truth. Remind people of this when they try to say otherwise. A woman's place is wherever she damn well pleases. The best way to combat this viewpoint is to simply live your life your way. Don't fit into any mold you don't want to. And don't apologize, don't explain - just live your life for you. And live it well.

6. Women who are single are unhappy

This one is so absurd I almost just ignore it. Being single is where I've learned the most about who I am and become the best most confident version of myself. Having an awesome partner is super dope. It makes the adventure a lot of fun (and less expensive). But I don't hate being single. When I'm single, I get to grow and learn a lot about me and who I want to be. Not all single women are looking for relationships. We are not attempting to wife you all. I think the best way to fight back on this one is to laugh. Society is built to back this statement until the death, so countering it is super hard. You get labeled the angry single spinster. You become the bitter one who hates men. There really isn't anything you can say to fight it. So ignore it. Laugh it off. And then keep living your best single life. Quite honestly, instead of arguing about it and your own insecurities (which is the only reason anyone believes in this one), I'd rather be traveling Europe, sipping on sparkly drinks on the beach, or getting my sweat on in a super awesome Pilates class. This one has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the insecurities society has placed on people.

You know what - this one is going to become a series. There are so many examples of situations in which its so difficult to be a woman. And so many ways to combat them. And so many ways to gain a whole lot of confidence in doing so. I hope these help. If you've got situations to submit, shoot me an email, I'd love to address your specific concerns! Get out there and thrive ladies. We are in a time to make a difference and effect change, do your part by being authentic to the cause of equality!

We all have a story.

More often than not, when I find the courage to say out loud that I am a survivor of sexual assault, there is at least one other woman who says me too.

We all have a story.

My story began in college. I was 18 years old. I never reported it. For over 10 years, I never talked about it.

But it happened. And ignoring it has caused a whole new set of complications.

Every story is different. I want to talk about mine because I wish that I had done so sooner. If only to find other women to help me understand I am not alone.

I'd like to tell my story differently in that I'm not going to tell you what happened. The physical act of what happened makes me cringe to this day. But the emotional consequences of sexual assault are what never leave you. They evolve but they do not ever go away.

The Assault

I vividly remember every second of what happened. It happened in a space I knew as one of the safest place I could be. With a man I considered a friend. I don't remember any pain. I don't remember feeling hurt. I do remember every beat of my heart. I remember feeling frozen. I remember being confused. And after it happened, I remember running to a friends dorm and nothing else. Not one other thing that happened that night. Nothing. I don't know what I said. I don't know if I slept there. I don't remember.

The Days Following

I chose not to report what happened for a myriad of reasons. Fear. Guilt. Shame. Anxiety. I didn't talk about it with anyone. I went to class. I went to practice. I went home. I don't remember being any different outwardly. I don't remember anyone asking me if I was okay. But I also don't remember feeling anything. It's so cliche, but I was numb. I don't remember.

Years Following

For a good number of years afterwards, I lost value for myself. I remember feeling worthless but acting out in a way that said I was the most confident woman on the planet. I hated my body. I hated my curves. I hated anything that felt sexual about who I was. I spent a lot of time trying to regain control of my body and my sexuality and said yes when a lot of times, I was screaming no inside. And now I don't remember any of those times.

Now

I feel an incredible guilt for not reporting what happened. I wonder if he's hurt other women. I wonder if that's my fault. I am ashamed that I am so vocal about women's rights and yet I said nothing, to anyone. Who am I to say tell your story, fight back? I didn't.

I see stories like Brock Turner and I feel angry. I read the victim statement and thought to myself, you are not alone. And you are so brave.

I feel fear. I don't like enclosed spaces. I am constantly on guard when I'm in a room full of men. In every situation, I have usually formulated a worst case scenario and a plan for how to escape. When I meet men, I wonder if they only see me for my body.

And I feel ashamed and frustrated because it's been over 10 years and I can't let it go. I can't NOT remember.

I'm shaking right now because I don't want my family to read this. I don't want men to see me as broken because of this.

The truth is, we all have a story. And that story, no matter how hard we try, it can define us for years to come. For me, this isn't the end. I get to write that ending because my story isn't just this one chapter.

If I can offer any advice to those of you who love survivors of assault, it's to love without judgment. Let your person come to you. Listen to whatever they choose to share with you and support them. There is no right way to survive. To survive is enough.

If you are a survivor, I am sorry you're part of this club. I am proud of you for surviving. However you choose to do that, I'm proud of you and I believe in your ability to be stronger because of it.

We all have a story. When do we finally make those stories about stopping the villain?

Quite frankly, women are shown that we don't matter because of how these assaults are handled. The rate in which they occur. We don't matter because men think its okay to grab us in bars. We don't matter because consent is grey. We don't matter because convicted rapists are given a slap on the wrist and a "he's a good guy though."

Our safety, comfort, space - they don't matter.

When we speak up, we have to prove it. We are called dramatic. We are asking for it.

The culture of sexual assault has gotten so out of control that we all have a story.

We all have a story because nobody speaks up. Nobody steps in and says stop. Nobody says I believe you and I'm so sorry. Nobody says this shouldn't have happened and we will fight for you. Nobody says actually that's not okay and there needs to be punishment. Nobody says this can't happen, let's stop it.

Not enough people have said sexual assault is happening and these women matter.

My story is now making sure that I matter. That you matter. And that the women who will face this in the future matter.

We all have a story. What's yours going to be?

I Bet You Think This Song Is About You

...Because it should be.

For a really long time, I never asked anyone for anything. I've always given everything I have to friends and family because loyalty is number one for me. That means when you need me, I'm there.

That also means people got used to being able to go to me for support and I'd never ask for anything in return.

I've grown to realize how unhealthy and unrealistic that is. The point of having friends and family is being able to go to them for the support you need.

So in recent years I've started asking for time and attention to help me manage my emotions. And it's been really frustrating.

People are so used to me never needing them that they aren't very good at managing the me that does. I spend a lot of time feeling overwhelmed because the conversation constantly goes back to them. They respond with a comparison to something they're going through. And the focus shifts from me back to them.

I can't really blame them for needing some time to adjust to me being someone who needs the reciprocated attention. Except I'm finally to a place where I feel like I can.

I can demand time and attention. I can make it about me. I can expect that sometimes it's all about me, and nothing about you. And I can walk away if you cannot accept that.

If you notice me pulling away from our relationship, it's not me, it's you. And the constant unawareness that everything we talk about, relates to you.

It's not selfish, it's friendship. It's partnership. It's equal care.

I invest a lot of time and energy into the people I care about. I truly feel what you feel. I probably invest too much emotion into the people around me. I take loyalty to an extreme level. If you're hurting, I'm hurting. If you're dealing with money troubles, I feel that stress too.

I'm in a place that I finally understand and acknowledge I'm a good person and a great friend to have.

Now that I understand how lucky my squad is to have me, I want to have that same care and loyalty to me. I want to know you're on my team.

Listen to what I have to say. Let me know you get what I'm telling you. You appreciate I'm trusting you with my feelings. And spend time letting me be the focus.

I highly suggest everyone take some time to think about how they engage with and support those they love. Are you a good listener? Do you make time for your people to come to you and have the conversation be entirely about them? Do you insert your feelings into the conversation? Do you constantly flip it back to something you experienced? Become aware of what kind of support system you are for the people who support you.

We all need a team to keep us going. Having a team that gets you are important is the only way to succeed in life. Make it about you when you need it. Step into the frame and be the focus. It's ok, sometimes this song is about you. And it damn well should be.

Excess Baggage

A lot of the stigma surrounding mental health deals with the baggage we carry because of the journey we are on. It's entirely possible that by sharing these parts of me, I'm causing some people to choose to not engage with me. People who don't understand mental illness often don't want to deal with the extra energy that it can take to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety or depression or bi polar disorder.

Honestly, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm already a lot to deal with. I'm high energy, high expectations - I'm the definition of extra. My anxiety is the least of my concerns when it comes to what makes me a lot to invest in.

However, I can definitely see how suffering from a mental illness can make one self conscious when it comes to relationships. It is a little bit harder, a little bit more work to love someone who ebbs and flows. Who has unexplained anxiety. Irrational fears. Our stories are a bit more colorful.

I guess I look at it like this: my anxiety is a big part of who I am. While it does not control my life, it does accentuate it, and if someone doesn't get that part of me, they're not for me.

Certainly during times when I'm not managing my anxiety well I'm probably harder to love. For the most part, I'm actively engaged in managing my mental health and its not an issue. But my anxiety, the things that have happened to give me the anxiety, all of it makes me who I am. If you can't come to terms with embracing those pieces of me, you don't get to have the rest of me.

If you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from a mental illness, or you suffer from one yourself, the key to success is communication. Be open and transparent about what you are dealing with, what your triggers are, how you are working to manage, and how your partner can best support you.

What is never acceptable is to allow mental health to dictate the terms of your relationship. You cannot blame it for problems. You cannot use it as an excuse. And you cannot tolerate emotional or physical abuse because of it. These are always unacceptable.

Where you can accept it is when its a trigger or in a bad place. Understand that your partner is struggling and as long as they're working to control that, be a source of support. Continue to remind them they're wonderful and more than their mental illness. Encourage them to keep committed to treatment, whatever that looks like for them.

I get it, I come with extra baggage, but when you think about it, don't we all? I don't know a lot of people who come with a clean slate in a relationship. For some, it's trust issues. For others, it's insecurity. And for me, it's my anxiety. The point is, we all carry baggage. Mental illness just seems scarier because it's medical and has so much stigma surrounding it.

If I lose out on a partner because of it, that's the wrong partner for me. And if you lose out because of your baggage, that's not the right partner for you. We are all carrying around different size bags. It's about finding someone to help carry your bag for you. To me, a real partnership is sharing each other's bags and finding that it all evens out because of the teamwork we've committed to bring to the table.

TWO!

TWO YEARS! For two years I've managed to write and publish THREE blogs a week to this little pet project of mine. And while I'm still not famous and not sponsored by anyone, I am consistently putting content into the universe and people are consistently reading what I've got to say.

In many ways, each blog is very much part of my journey and what I'm going through at each stage in my life. I'd love to say that I write what I think is relevant in the world, and some of that may be true, but for the most part its relevant to my life at any given moment. If I'm proud of anything, it's my consistent commitment to being authentic.

I started this journey because I have a passion for writing and a need to be more open about my feelings and the things I've been through in life. I have a unique journey, a loud voice, and a way with words. If I'm able to share my voice and experiences and even one person finds comfort in that, I feel good. Selfishly, I also find comfort in the feedback from readers. And I find release from saying the things I share out loud.

In two years I've changed a lot. Like a lot a lot. I like to think I've changed for the better but often times I suffer setbacks. I like to go back and read things I've published and see how I've changed my opinions, feelings, and actions. I stand by everything I write because it's truly who I was and how I believed at that time. But there's something to be said for being able to tangibly read about that time in my life.

So the lesson for two? Reflect. Keep a journal, even if it's short blurbs and thoughts, write down where you're at and force yourself to go back and review what those thoughts/opinions were. Reflect on how they make you feel now. Are you happy? Shocked? Appalled? Confident? Take time to reflect on the growth or lack thereof.

Invest in yourself through the time you spend both logging these things in a notebook and in the time you spend reviewing those musings. It's so easy to forget times in our lives that are often inconsequential at the time. When you review them later, sometimes they've been defining moments or eye opening thoughts. Things I've never really thought twice about have become turning points. People I didn't think played a role in my life now have taught me some of the biggest lessons.

Realistically, how do you grow if you don't invest in reflecting upon who you were then and now? Two years for me is 312 blogs. Some completely frivolous in hindsight like costumes and hair care. But some are political and social and feelings based. And even the frivolous ones, they give you some insight of how I was prioritizing things in my world. But that's 312 little pieces that tell me who I was, how I was feeling, and what I was believing at any given moment. And that's 312 opportunities to reflect and decide do I feel that way now? Do I believe those things now? Is there room to learn/grow/be better?

How are you carving out time to reflect? Do you take time to invest in yourself and who you are? Do you consider who you want to be? Do you learn how to get there? Are you feeling empty or missing something? How are you going to fix that? Are you proud of changes over time?

There are so many questions and opportunities to reflect. And so many opportunities to be happier, live better, and enjoy more. Sigh, the cliche is true. You get one shot. One chance to make the most of this journey. Take the time to make it a life you can say you did your best to live authentically as your best you. It's never ever easy, but it's always worth it. You invest so much in others, why aren't you deserving of the same?

Diary of An Anxious Person, Part 324832

I've avoided an anxiety update for some time now. In therapy I have been spending a lot of time exploring past trauma and understanding how that affects who I am now. And it's exhausting.

I never really understood the concept of emotional exhaustion. For me it has always been easy to push feelings aside and move forward. They have been within my control for as long as I can remember. Even the traumas in my life have been contained to parts of my brain that are locked away.

I'm not sure I've even been aware of the fact that talking about these traumas has caused me to feel them emotionally. I've oddly been able to talk about the trauma (with a very select group of people) in an almost scientific way. I can explain what happened without revealing any emotion. That hasn't changed.

What has changed is the linking of the trauma to the way I am now and the anxieties I allow to control me because of those traumas. I am more aware of why I act or react in certain situations because I'm talking with my therapist about them.

And even more, I'm remembering and revealing situations that were traumatic but that I had buried away. Things people have said to me, done to me, and have treated me that I had apparently simply stored away as a way to cope.

I am now seeing that my fear of small spaces, need to constantly be prepared for the worst (and formulate a plan of action) are a result of experiences in my past.

So when I'm anxious in an elevator, crowd, or near a stranger, I start to think of these traumas and understand why I'm feeling as anxious as I am. And it becomes a spiral. I start to reflect on being attacked or in an active shooter situation when I get those prickles of fear on my neck.

What I've learned is I've never truly talked about those traumas or how they made me feel. And because of that, my body created responses to protect itself. I'm living in a state of heightened awareness and worst case scenario because I've experienced worst case scenario.

But worst case scenario is in fact rare. However, when you store the feelings from those experiences in your brain instead of facing how they make you feel and deal with working through those feelings, you don't allow yourself to be realistic about them. So your body internalizes it and develops a reaction of fight or flight.

And when you constantly deal with situations where maybe you're verbally abused and don't face those abuses head on, you start to believe them. Instead of stopping them in their tracts and saying no, those are not true and not a reflection of me, you allow them to build.

I've got a good 32 years of trauma that I'm only now starting to explore the consequences of. And even dipping a small toe into that world has caused me to become exhausted. I become quiet. Overwhelmed. I shut down. Truly the only person I'm talking to about it all is my therapist. It leaves me drained after each session. But the hope is that I'll eventually learn to process and share these experiences and feelings with the people around me that are so important to my life.

I've shared parts of my trauma here but in all honesty, while I believe in transparency, I don't believe in sharing every piece of me in such a public space. Part of having the honor of keeping an inner circle is keeping certain things to just that circle. Not everyone gets to know me and who I am. I want those important to me to know that they're getting to know the private stories that make me who I am because of how important they are to me.

What that's all caused me to do is experience moments of depression that I haven't had to deal with for a really long time. And that scares me. At one point in my life, a very long time ago, I dealt with very serious depression. So serious that I wasn't sure I wanted to exist in the world anymore. Thankfully, I don't live in that world anymore. I believe in my value and enjoy living. Life, being alive, it's important to me, I love being here. But realizing I have been sad lately has scared me because of that past depression. I'm not even remotely living in a space that I once did. It's more a sadness than a true depression. And thankfully, I know the signs, the triggers and how to bounce back. I also think I have to face that sadness for the traumas in order to move past them. You can't process them without engaging in all the emotional spaces your brain needs to go in order to move on.

Side bar - admitting depression at that level is hard for me, even shameful. But it's a part of my story, a part of my growing and moving on, and it's something a lot of people deal with. I don't want to deny that part of my life, I want to let someone out there facing it know that even the sparkliest, most vivacious people in the world go through things. There's hope, it gets better, and you are worthy of joy.

If I'm scoring where I'm at right now, I'll go 5/10. I'm in a weird space. I find I'm sad sometimes and anxious more often than not. But I don't consider this a dangerous or negative time. I think it's an extremely overdue and necessary space to grow and become better equipped to manage anxiety/depression in the future. You've got to fight for the best parts of your life when you live with mental illness. Unless you're willing to go to the dark and ugly places, you don't ever get to experience the sparkliest and sunniest parts.

I think it's also important to say that just because I'm in a weird place doesn't mean I'm not living my best life. I'm thriving because I'm allowing myself to be in a weird space. I'm putting the effort into have a better tomorrow. And I'm brave enough to share the worst parts of my story because I won't allow them to define the best parts. You don't have to live in extremes of good and bad - you can be happy, confident, engaged, and thriving while still feeling some hard times. It's not a rule that you have to fit into certain boxes to be mentally healthy. It's ok to be equally happy and struggling. The most important thing is to be in tune with what those feelings are, how to manage the hard parts and highlight the good parts.

It's all a balance. It's all a constantly shifting see-saw. You're never going to exist wholly in the highs or lows. Having the tools to manage that see-saw is what matters and how you live the healthiest mental journey possible. Find comfort in knowing we all go dark and we all go light. The best most colorful people allow those times to exist. They sit in them and live in them as much as they can so that they understand how to maximize the world around them. You're not alone. you're not weird. You're you. And that's pretty damn cool.