Privilege

I'd like to share something with you.  I'm white.  Like grew up in the suburbs, 2 parents, 2 kids, 2 dogs, soccer on Saturday's - white.  Ok I'm Portuguese.  But unless it's July, you can easily tell, I'm a white woman who grew up middle class.  

Is my life perfect?  Not even a little bit.  People actually don't believe a lot of my stories because shit like that doesn't happen in real life.  Let me tell you - it does, it has, I made it through.  I wish someone gave me the souvenir photo but I probably threw it away because it didn't have a puppy filter.

I used to struggle with the idea of white privilege.  It absolutely used to offend me.  I doubted its existence.  Realistically though, I never took the time to understand it.

But I asked some questions, did some research, mostly talked to people other than myself, and then asked some questions of people who are like me and here's where I'm at:

Having privilege does not mean I have not struggled.  Being white is not something I'm expected to apologize for.  White privilege isn't a label I've got to wear that says my life is rainbows and unicorns.

For me - understanding that I have privilege just simply means I get my struggles are different than someone who grew up in the same world but is black.  Or Latino.  Or really anything other than white.

The thing is - I am white.  So while I can listen to the stories of those not like me - those without that privilege - I don't know what its like.  Realistically, I never will.

But I'd like to use my voice to speak about it because I would hope that others would do the same for me.  I'd really like to work towards making life a little more equal.  I know, bet you guys never figured me for a good person, I didn't either but here we are.

Now I get it - life isn't equal and it never will be.  And you don't ever have to apologize for the life you have.  Being born wealthy or lucky or privileged is not something you have to stand up and apologize for.  You don't owe anything to anyone.  In fact, if you want to call it life's lottery and leave it at that - go right ahead.  You may even believe everyone has the same shot and needs to put in the same work.  I'll give you that life is hard and takes a lot of effort.  But given two people who are giving the same effort, coming from the same background but one is a minority and one is not - history kiiiiiiind of shows us the white guy is going to win (and I don't say GUY on accident).

You know - while we're at it - someone remind me to do a piece on male privilege because I'm currently living in the South (Texas, calm down, you're the South to the rest of America) and male privilege is flourishing.

Cool Cool - back to privilege.  Here's the thing.  Privilege is also widely associated with wealth.  And it's associated with being bad - making privileged people bad.  It doesn't mean any of that.  I'm not wealthy (Why hasn't anyone started a Go Fund me for this lifestyle) and I'm not even that bad of a person.  But there are people out there who will experience struggles I won't ever experience, simply because of the color of their skin. 

To recap - privilege is not something to apologize for, to feel guilty for, or to even take on as a burden.  But if you realize it's there - it is an opportunity to learn about the struggles of other people and to work for inclusion in a world that quite frankly is trying to be anything but.

2018

Happy New Year Sequins!

I have no idea what just happened to 2017 because I swear to God I just moved to Texas 20 minutes ago, but here we are, January 1, 2018.  Holy shit.

I'm sitting here trying to reflect on 2017 and I honestly just have a lot of memories on an airplane watching Girl's Trip 32 times laughing obnoxiously while Carol from Iowa shot me dirty looks from peasant class.  STFU Carol, let me live my first class life.

2017 brought me to yet a new state.  It brought me a whole new career in a whole new industry I honestly knew nothing about.  For the first 6 months, I mostly got by on charm and pure grit.  The second 6 months I've questioned myself, my skillset, and everything about what I know.  And at the end of every day, I have reminded myself I didn't get here without earning every moment.

2017 brought me the strength to commit to my mental health.  It got me into therapy, into actually trying to tell my anxiety to step TF off, and it's challenged me to chill out.

2017 has brought me a body I'm in love with more than I have been since being 98 pounds and growing boobs.  Because of my discovery of new ways to workout that don't bring me pain, I am physically stronger, healthier, and happier.  And I'm surely not 98 pounds.  Still got those boobs though.

2017 has brought me new people.  Who knew a liberal agnostic loud crude (but really pretty) California girl could find one of her closest friends in a Christian big hearted Texan (Be cool guys - she was born in California and her family is just the bees knees). 

2017 has brought me closer to me.  It's challenged me to face things I frankly don't like thinking about and forced me to feel things I'm not fond of feeling.  Because of that - it's given me confidence in this sparkly yet out of her mind woman I've become.  It's also taught me when to face my flaws, apologize when I need to - and move TF on when I don't.

2017 I don't really know if you even happened because I swear it's still January and I just got to Texas, it was snowing and I couldn't by alcohol before Noon on Sunday.  But here we are - 2018 and I'm itching to see where it takes me.  All I know is don't miss me with that First Class ticket.

Science.

I'd like to throw you for a loop.  I'm a romantic.

I know right - you really were not expecting that one.  Neither was I.  But here we are.  Therapeutic breakthrough.

Maybe I should clarify, I'm a realistic romantic.  Like I'm not moving across the country for love without some sound lists and research, but I'll fight fiercely when I believe in a relationship.

Which brings me to my point.   Science.  Chemistry to be exact.  

Chemistry, real chemistry with another human being is rare.  I'd like to define it as undefinable.  A spark, a fire, a feeling you can't ignore.  I can count on one hand how many times I've had real chemistry with someone.  And I'm hoping it stays that way.

Science.  I like that chemistry is a scientific principle.  Practical me enjoys that there's a realistic basis for the draw I feel.  Romantic me, she's into the spicy feels that encompasses.  The unexplainable pull I have for whatever reason.  

Ya'll chemistry.  I am for all of the chemistry.  Chemistry cannot be forced.  And it's not easy to ignore.  You can lie to yourself about it, you can pretend it's not there - but it's going to find you. 

Unfortunately - chemistry is not always what dictates your person.  It certainly cannot sustain an entire relationship.  But without real chemistry, I don't believe a relationship is worth giving your energies too.  

Timing can keep everyone apart.  Fear can keep everyone from being honest.

There are a lot of outside entities that keep people apart.  But the romantic in me hopes that when you find real chemistry, you give it a shot.  Whether that means telling that person how you feel, owning the emotions within yourself, or going all in - do yourself a favor, and give science a shot.  

The Reason for the Season

I'm so basic when it comes to the Holiday season, I can't stand me either.  I'm a sucker for the glitz, the cheer, the food - everything.  And while I may not be religious - I'll never forget the reason for the season is gratitude.

Gratitude for a time to reset, a time to be with the ones you love, and time for appreciating the possibilities of the future.

It's pretty true the Holidays are quite Hallmark.  But this is probably the one time that I couldn't care less.

So much of life is a hustle.  It's a routine of work hard, work harder, find time for fun, sleep, and repeat.  Having an entire season dedicated to finding time to slow down and believing in magic is something we can all afford to let consume us a bit.

I am grateful for the time off, the extra time spent with my family and friends, and the extra sparkle in the world.

Whatever the reason for your season - I hope it brings you joy and I hope you have the best Holiday season - whatever that means to you!

Diary of an Anxious Person, Part 6832

In the last 3 months, I've had some real struggles as well as real successes with my anxiety.  It's odd to feel both in a place of setback and a place of growth, but I am somewhere in the middle of both.

And something I've realized lately is that being an anxious person means balancing between having bad days and having good ones.  That we have moments where we feel at our worst, but as long as we are recognizing them, we are working towards being our best.  And the more you can keep yourself in the middle of setback and growth, the more you are able to keep a balanced life on your journey with anxiety.

As simple as that seems, for people with anxiety, we crave that far right end of the spectrum, that normal.  It never truly occurs to someone with anxious thinking to exist happily in the middle.  I've mostly thought of the world of mental health as either you've got mental health struggles or you're normal - and that's incredibly wrong.  The healthiest mental state is that middle of the spectrum balance.

So my focus these last three months has been to find the place that I can have anxious out of control moments and then be able to look to the other end of the scale to find peace.  

When I have a day that feels overwhelmingly stressful, I consider it a huge success to not breakdown.  Because lately - there have been some days that I have wanted to break down.  But I don't.  The time I spend in my chaotic mindset is less.  The time coming back from it, and focusing on how to either change my mindset or change my situation is occupying way more of my day.

For me - this is a breakthrough.  It's a new way of understanding how to exist in a healthier mindset and hopefully build a long term plan.  I've still got some unreasonable days and ridiculous reactions.  And that sucks.  It probably always will.  But living a balanced life with anxiety and mental health issues is very possible.

It's on you to put the time and effort in and make the active decision to take responsibility to be the best human possible.  

The Birds and the Bees and the Me's

Sex is a very personal thing.  And yet these days, it seems to be at the forefront of conversation, in the media, and in pop culture.  You might be surprised to learn that I'm a bit old fashioned in that I believe a person's sex life is theirs to dictate and discuss.

As a woman, we navigate a really tricky world when it comes to our sex lives.  There are expectations and judgments, assumptions and attitudes. They're all ridiculous.  

A few weeks ago, a man asked me what the rule was for women as far as when we have sex with new partners.  

A week ago an acquaintance mentioned I didn't seem like the kind of girl who would sleep with a man I wasn't seriously dating.

Yesterday, a friend I've known for years told me I had vastly changed my views on sexual relationships throughout the time they've known me.

The truth?  There are no rules for when women can have sex with anyone.  I am the kind of girl, who will make whatever decision she pleases with her own body, and as I've grown and changed, my views on my personal sexual choices have absolutely changed.

Part of being a woman who believes in equality is that I believe every woman has the right to make her own decisions about her sex life - free of judgment from anyone - as long as she is safe and she is doing things that make her happy.  It is absolutely nobody else's business what any of us want to do as long as we are not hurting anyone else.

Stop utilizing labels, passing judgment, feeling like you have the right to anyone's sex life - you don't.  

Do not tell a woman she is the type of girl to do anything - do not assume she is the type of woman to be anything.  

You are allowed to determine your own opinions and decisions with your body and who you allow into your romantic life because of those decisions -but you do not get to decide that for anyone else.  

The Wave

Unless you're living under a rock, you're aware of the wave of sexual harassment and assault allegations in the news.  It seems like every day another high profile man is being accused (and often proven) to be someone who has participated in sexual harassment or assault.  

As someone who has unfortunately experienced both - I feel torn by the number of women and men coming forward.  

I am proud of the victims for coming forward.

I am relieved we are talking about something that is not uncommon.

I cringe because I know the pressure on these victims to prove what they have gone through

I am scared that most likely, some of these accusers are lying and thus setting the rest of us back.

I have been a victim of sexual harassment and sexual assault.  More than once.  While I am more comfortable discussing the sexual harassment I have faced both in my daily life and at the office, I haven't even talked about the assault to my family.  I did not report it.  I still do not feel comfortable talking about it.  And I am not alone.

I've worked in sports most of my life.  I'm generally at home in environments that are a little less business formal and a little more frat party.  It takes a lot to offend me.  And it's damn near impossible to make me feel uncomfortable.  

But when I am confronted at my hotel room by a drunk colleague, sent sexual text messages by the President of my company, and had my chest grabbed at a bar - I feel violated.  

When I am told to wear a low cut top to a meeting with all men, that the best part about watching me at practice is my boobs bouncing, and having a deal fall through because I wouldn't go out with the owner - I feel devalued.  

Sexual harassment, the PTSD from it, the stress of having to relive it - to prove it happened - to explain why it is a big deal - it's all very real.  

The fear of when to come forward, how to come forward, what's going to happen when you do - it's all very real.

A lot of being a victim is feeling things in waves.  You feel shame.  You question your experience.  You feel brave enough to speak up.  You feel fear for what that results in.  You feel proud for standing up for your worth.  You feel everything.  It's highs and lows and everything in between.  I haven't gotten off of that wave yet, I'm not sure I ever will.

For once, I'm not here to prove a point.  I don't aim to change anyone's mind.  If you don't believe in the seriousness of sexual harassment - if you don't understand the defining principle behind sexual assault - I cannot help you.  If the battle you choose to fight is to prove these women wrong when the evidence shows otherwise - there's not much hope for you to begin with.  

I don't know what my driving message is or my call to action.  I haven't been able to tell my entire story nor heal from how that story has changed my path, who am I to provide anyone with a solution?  I'll leave you with this -- 

Keep your hands to yourself.  If it feels wrong, it is.  If you have to justify your actions, they were wrong.

Raise your tiny humans to do better, be better, and act better.  Challenge yourself to be kinder, respect each other more, and listen to learn.  Choose to surround yourself with people who value human decency, challenge the status quo, and force you to leave others better than you found them.

Let It Snow

I love the snow.  Give me 20 degrees and snowflakes over 75 and sunny any day of the week.  

I believe there's a power in snow.  It represents a fresh start, a simplicity - a toughness that has this sparkly exterior.  

Right, snow is just Mother Nature, science, part of the life cycle.  But to me, snowflakes make my soul shine.  

Every year since I can remember (potentially choose to remember, unclear) - I have spent time in the snow. And if you ask me if I'd rather be on a beach in the Bahamas or a chalet in Aspen - besides asking you to pay for both - I'm going to choose Aspen (and who's stopping at Costco for wine?).  

I'm convinced I'm actually a better person in the snow.  I smile more, feel more confident, and let myself dream more about frivolous possibilities.  Cool - its December when it snows (I'm into California snow not Minnesota snow, I am not an animal) - so that probably lends itself to the new possibilities and dreaming.  Kind of you to bring me back to reality.

Back to Snowland where I don't have to keep it real. I 've got the time, the blank white slate, and the warm liquor - to plot my next moves.  

I'm not really sure what my motivation behind this piece (what us serious writers call our work) is.  I'm certainly not in the middle of any real new beginning.  I'm not at some big turning point where I've got to make big decisions and embark into a new chapter.  

But I am always convinced that this fairytale I've made snow out to be - is a big contributor to my constant need to seek the next adventure. It keeps me from settling in any one space too long.  The snow is an easy place to hit my reset button and reflect on my current groove.

The way the snow makes everything start fresh again makes me wonder if that's where I get my constant need to do the same.

Maybe my point is that you've got a whole lot of opportunities to start fresh.  And no matter what's going on, the world can reset to neutral.  You can become something new.  Wash away that day before.  Not everyone was meant to be sunshine where the livin's easy.  Some people are destined to cover the world over and over again with the new ways they make the world sparkle.

Things My Therapist Tells Me

My therapist thinks I'm not half bad.

She tells me that I am generally not failing.

That I am a decent human being.

And if I keep going to her - I'm going to start buying into all this self love.

For the first 64 of my 32 years on Earth, I didn't believe in therapy.  I saw it as validating a fear that I might not be as strong as I think I am.  That it was embarrassing to need to ask for professional help.  I never thought that talking to a stranger would provide much in the way of fixing any of my problems.

But here I am - excited to meet with my therapist.

Which is a really good sign for my future.  

Rational Ashley really enjoys the perspective of a stranger.  I'm into the fact that it doesn't matter what this human thinks of me - she's truly got no skin in the game.  I don't have to put up any societal expectations, she's honestly just there to listen to me.  I can say all of the things I think, feel, and fear.  And in return, she challenges me to understand the why behind these things without pressuring me to rush into solutions or even accept the root of the issue.

I dig everything about how that allows me the freedom to figure this new world out at my own pace.  I also think she can tell I'm a bit of a baby deer in that if you push me to have more than 2 feelings in any given hour, I'll probably just leave.

So - let's get specific. 

Right now - we are honestly working on words for feelings.  Seriously. 

She handed me this list of words to talk about what I feel, what feelings I want to feel, and what things look like when I'm in a good place, bad place - and what I want certain relationships to make me feel.

It's  a lot of feelings.  And a lot of words. 

I had no idea that there were so many words to describe emotions.

But there's also room for lists.  And lists man.  I love lists. 

My therapist really gets me when she starts talking about lists.

As simple as it may seem, being able to look at a list of words to help me communicate what's going on in my head has been extremely beneficial to my everyday mood.  Sure, its been a few days, but I find myself slowing down and taking the time to consider what word to associate with what's going on - and identifying those words equips me with how to react to the feeling.  And it's giving me better tools to communicate those feels to other people.

I'm not super comfortable with all this emotion and feels and being faced with actively exploring because it's still new and I've still got this stigma that feelings are for the weak, people don't really care about your feelings, and donuts are better than both.

But here we are.  In therapy.  Lesson 1 at that.  It's a lot.  But then again, so am I.

Stay tuned...

The Art of Never Growing Up

I love glitter.  Sparkles make me smile.  I dress up at work on Halloween.  I went to Disneyland by myself once because my friend didn't want to go.  Finding Nemo is one of my favorite movies of all time.  I am also successful in my career.  I pay my own bills.  I take my vitamins and cook my own meals.  But at heart, I am a child.

And I hope I never grow up.

Life is really hard and really serious.  Between work pressure, paying endless bills, violence, relationships, the state of politics - I honestly don't know how we all don't lose our shit on a daily basis.  

My way of staying sane in a chaotic world is to remember how awesome it was to be a kid.  It's to never be too adult to have a good time.  And it's certainly not to ever become so wrapped up in the idea of being grown up to have fun.

I think there's a really fine line between immature and someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.  And it takes work to juggle having fun and being able to flip the switch to business Barbie.  But as long as you're handling your responsibilities and exceeding expectations - there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a good time.

I've absolutely been told to grow up on many occasions.  That I'm too old to do this or like that.  That to be taken seriously I need to be serious more often.  I find that extremely ignorant.  I don't trust anyone who doesn't know how to have a little fun and remember that for most of us - we aren't saving lives.

The most creative and innovative people I know recognize the art of play, laughter, and being a kid again.  Without the ability to think outside of the box, relax the suit and tie, or laugh at yourself - you're really wasting happiness.  I also think you're not maximizing your career potential if you're too serious.  If you're not willing to look like an idiot - you're missing out on a lot of the best business opportunities.

Before you tell me to grow up - think about learning to loosen up and high five your inner kid.  I promise you'll gain a lot fuller life if you do.