Mover and Shaker

I've moved a lot in the past 5+ years.  Once I got that first taste of being able to truly chase the dream, I've never stopped.  For me, knowing that I'm never stuck, that I can up and change my situation at any time is the most freeing thing I could ever know.

And that lifestyle has also been a trade off.  I've had a lot of people tell me that I'll be single forever until I settle down in one place.  Sure, I can see your point, men might not want to invest in someone who is ready to leave at any given time.  But I also know that the right man understands my need to keep dreaming and is open to the adventure that brings with it.

I've said it before, and I'll say it forevermore - being single forever is not the worst thing that could ever happen to me.  That being said - I don't think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life.  I think had I not followed my dreams, risked it all to become who I am today - I would never find success in a relationship because I would not have grown and discovered this me as I am today.

However - I know a lot of women who live a similar lifestyle that I do because of their jobs, their passion for travel, whatever the reason - you're in your mid 20's to mid 30's and single because of dream chasing and there's a stigma behind it.  It's the women who get asked why we are single and 30.  People tell us that we travel/move too much and need to settle down, stay in one place, be more active in our dating lives.  

Finding a partner is a wonderful thing.  Love and marriage and forever are absolutely something I want.  But compromising myself, my dreams, my growth - to find this person is not something I want.  And I don't think my teammate is not going to find me because I prioritize becoming a better person.  

At the end of the day - my need to continue to grow and experience life is greater than my need to stick around and find the one.  It's certainly not a life for everyone, but for me, it's the only life I ever want to live.  My biggest regret in life would not be failing to find a partner.  My greatest regret would be sacrificing who I am for a partner.

Soulmates

I don't believe in soulmates.  I don't believe there is one person for us all out there.  I believe there are many mates that could be a great match and whom with we could live perfectly amazing lives with.

We are well aware in the last 5 years I've moved a lot.  And each time I've moved I've been in some state of dating someone.  And every single time I've moved onto that new state with a fresh start.  And at least one of those times, I absolutely know I could have married that person and lived one amazing life.  

You would think that would make me sad.  Give me regret.  But it doesn't.  At that time, the relationship was not my priority.  Developing the connection wasn't something I was ready for.  I vividly remember understanding how I felt about this person and pushing them away anyways.  But I don't regret walking away.

I believe we get many great loves in our life and if we are really lucky, we find one of them and keep them forever.  But if we miss one due to life and timing - we don't lose our soulmate.  We don't miss out on the fairy tale.  

That being said - life is unpredictable.  We lose loved ones.  We experience illness.  We go through hardships.  Each of these events shape who we are at any given moment.  Who you love and go through life with at one time may be completely wrong for you another time.  

Understanding the role timing plays within our relationships is how you have a healthy mindset in matters of the heart.  The person I walked away from back then has moved on in his romantic life.  And I don't dwell on what could have been.  His person he has right now is his soulmate in the timing of life.  I am so happy for him and that he's been able to find his person at the right time.  

We all have the what if's.  The maybe laters.  The people we chase and the people we turn away from.  And maybe you do believe in your one soulmate.  But for me - I would hate to live in a world where I only get one shot.  I would much rather go through this journey with my heart open to love and possibilities.  

Catholic Guilt 101

I have the worst Catholic guilt in the entire world.  And I'm not Catholic.  But the level of guilt I feel for well - anything in life is so real you would think I invented the feeling.  

I have guilt when I cancel on someone - even if I don't want to go to the activity.  If I skip a workout, I feel guilty - even if I'm exhausted.  I'll find a way to feel guilty for any reason.  And if there isn't a reason - I'll make one up.

The thing is - this guilt is just that - made up.  Feeling guilty is often an emotion we assign ourselves when we are trying to be everything to everyone and forget to put ourselves first.  Feeling guilty is also often a sign of being self conscious about our triggers.

How many times do you have guilt about something that is completely unfounded?  How many times do you convince yourself that you should feel badly about something you've said or done when the only person it's really bothering is you?  

Guilt is incredibly powerful and it has everything to do with your internal equilibrium.  When you're in a good place with who you are and how you're feeling about you, that guilt tends to slide away.  

So how do you combat your inner Catholic guilt and find a little extra peace in the universe?

It goes back to understanding what is within your control and what is not.  And it's prioritizing yourself, your health and happiness - above others.  

For example - stop agreeing to do things you don't want to do.  Stop making plans with people you don't want to spend time with in the first place.  Stop over committing yourself at work and burning yourself out.  Stop working out 7 days a week if it doesn't make you happy.  And stop guilting yourself into thinking you should do any of these things for any reason.

The only thing you should be doing is living your happiest, healthiest, best life for YOU.  Right, I get it, be a good person too - but at the end of the day if you're not living your best life, you're not able to be your best for anyone else either.  

Ditch the guilt and focus on spending your limited time on things that truly enrich your life

Shaq Year

When I was a wee squish - I made my first competitive soccer team.  And while that was an achievement - the real defining moment came when it was time to choose my number.  All athletes know that your number becomes your identity.  The really good athletes know that long after you've sunk your last basket you will be defined by your number.  The number I chose that day was 32.  

I chose 32 for Orlando Magic Shaquille O'Neil.  I saw this big, loud, bold physical player and I was in love.  Sports love.  I wanted to be this guy on the field and in life.  And to this day - I still love me some Shaq.  

Yesterday, I turned 32.  I have now officially entered my Shaq year.  And man, 32 sounds old.  But I think about who I've become since I entered my 30's and 32 also seems really fucking swagtastic (verb: meaning grown woman cool).  And you know why?  Because at 32, I've never been more sure of who I am.  I can buy my own things.  I have achieved real milestones.  I do less stupid things.  I loved Ashley in her 20's.  She was epic.  A nightmare, but absolutely top notch.  But Ashley in her 30's is this extra sparkly, extra fierce woman who cannot be stopped.

Keep your Kobe year.  Hold onto that Jordan year.  I'll take my Shaq year to live my boldest, best, most fun year yet.  

Boys Would Like Me More If...

I cannot count how many times I've heard a woman say this and follow it with something wrong with herself.  It's bigger boobs, skinnier, different hair, better clothes - its a million different things that women are bred to believe they need in order to attract men.  I've said it myself when I was younger - I needed to be more something or less something in order to find a man.   And while I'm well aware this is not isolated to women - a lot of women have felt this doubt.  

The truth is - boys probably would like you more if you were a little more X and a little less Y.  But MEN - men will love you for the unique qualities that make you who you are.  And as a grown woman in the world - YOU need to take responsibility for loving you as you are, and expecting this.  

I think it's true of anyone - male or female - that society puts a lot of pressure on us to be a lot of things.  I hear many of my peers still questioning who they are and why they're not a magnet for the opposite sex.  And that makes me really sad and quite frankly bored.

Confidence in who you are and what you bring to the table is not easy.  But I can promise you - the reason that you are single is not because you are too fat, too thin, too loud, too whatever - you're single because you have no idea who you are or how to love you for all that means.  

If you do not love you, nobody else can love you.  #Science

The Perfect Job

As young, naive, fresh to the working world Ashley entered adulthood and the future of her career, she dreamed of the perfect job.  Determined, armed with a multitude of skills - she vowed never to settle when it came to the dream career.  And that same grit, passion, and stubborn refusal to accept anything less than the best exists within my soul today.  But there's one big difference - current Ashley understands that while the perfect job does not exist, the dream still does.

I hate to break hearts here - but there is truly no job that you will be happy in 100% of the time.  You will not end each day thinking- WOW I really loved every single thing that happened today.  Not all tasks will be enjoyable.  But that does not mean you are not in your perfect job.

Understanding that the dream job can be the dream job with bad days is the most important tool you can ever have as you go on your journey as a business person.  

For the first four jobs I had in the real world - I lacked understanding for this fact.  Certainly there were deal breakers that were not normal parts of any job.  But there were also may times I could have taken a step back and gained perspective in my situation.  And by doing so, I could have avoided a lot of drama, unhappiness, and just taken these pieces of my journey as learning experiences for my future.  

If I could give any new to the working world human one single piece of advice, it would be to have perspective.  

Know your deal breakers, make sure they're reasonable and by all means never compromise those deal breakers.  Without principle, without knowing your value - you have nothing.

But also realize that anything that does not fit in your box of deal breakers belongs in your box of "this isn't fun but life isn't always fun."  That's where you store the crappy things nobody enjoys doing but that are vital to the growth of who you are in your career.  Those are the critical must get done for this company to function pieces that you don't want to do but that don't take away from the amazing job you have.  

There is just no perfect job.  But there is a perfect job for you.  Just like relationships, not every moment is glitter and rainbows, but at the end of the day, it's your person regardless.  Think of your job this way.  Sometimes your boss sucks.  Sometimes you have to spend hours on spreadsheets that are the worst.  some days your coworkers are the least helpful people in the world.  But when you think about leaving your job or your company, you can't bear to consider it.  THAT is your perfect job.

Focus less on perfect and more on your level of happiness.  Do you feel inspired?  Challenged?  Do the people around you feel like your teammates? Do you feel happy most days?  If you can confidently say that the majority of your days you love your job, that is the perfect job for you right now.  If you cannot claim to feel joy most of the time, either change your perspective or change your job.  

To add another layer of depth - understand that the perfect job for you can change throughout your life.  What works for you at 22, can change at 26.  The hunt for the dream is not limited to a timeline.  There isn't a rule book to follow.  As you grow, mature, and your skills and your lifestyle change - so may your career path.  That's OK.

As someone who has had the most nontraditional career journey, who has broken every rule - I know that at the end of the day I have to lie with the results.  Why would I ever allow anyone else to dictate what my path to get there looks like?

Catastrophic Thinking

Recently I watched a friend's father (who is a psychologist) speak on Teen Vogue's Facebook live.  The topic of catastrophic thinking came up.

Catastrophic thinking is when your anxiety convinces you that the absolute worst is going to happen and you believe in your heart that it will.

For example, if your boss asks to meet with you, you assume that you're getting fired.  If a professor wants you to stay after class, you assume it's because you're getting kicked out of the University.  

Catastrophic thinking is never positive.  It's never assuming you're being called into the office for a promotion.  It's never thinking a friend wants to thank you for being who you are.  It's never a partner wanting to talk because they want to take the next step.  Catastrophic thinking is when you convince yourself the absolute worst thing will hap[pen in any given situation.

I am catastrophic thinking.  The examples above are actual things I think.  I consistently assume the very worst thing will happen and if even once it does - or even a much less dramatic version of the worst occurs - I will take that as validation for why catastrophic thinking is accurate.

And I'm willing to bet that a lot of you out there are catastrophic thinkers as well.  And while anxiety can often help us achieve great things by pushing us to do more and avoid failure, catastrophic thinking can be ever so crippling too.  Catastrophic thinking can mess with your sleep, your eating, your ability to get outside and get active - it can quite literally make you sick.  And that's why learning to prevent it is critical to living a full and happy life.

Keep in mind - that while I'm going to give you my advice on how to combat catastrophic thinking - this is something I struggle with daily.  I have not figured out how to completely eradicate it but I am trying, and I am committed to continuing to try until it becomes something that I don't battle on a regular basis.

I had never heard of the term catastrophic thinking.  A big light bulb for me was hearing my "crazy" defined in a way that made it feel more normal.  Realizing it's a thing and it's a common thing and that I am not in fact crazy has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  

In that same vein, understanding my catastrophic thinking is my anxiety talking and is irrational has helped me see it as something that can be changed.  I see it as less of this all consuming fear and more as this piece of my life that is a lot smaller than it used to be.

Unfortunately, the best way to combat catastrophic thinking is to not have catastrophic thinking.  It's to not have those chaotic thoughts and not let your mind become consumed by all the worst possibilities in the world.  

For me - I have to trick myself into avoiding catastrophic thinking all together.  When I start spiraling, I have to watch a movie, go for a run, call a friend - do anything I possibly can to completely stop the negative thoughts from happening.  If I sit and try to talk myself out of the world ending, it just gets worse.  My mind goes off onto new tangents that continue to shoot off into new horrible scenarios I've never dreamed of.  So I trick myself.

I know a lot of experts say that confronting your catastrophic situations and forcing yourself to understand how unlikely they are is the best way to get your mind to a rational place.  For me, that just doesn't work.  The mere fact that any of these things are remotely possible gives my anxiety a shred of "told you so" to hold onto. My anxiety will say to my rational self - listen buddy - I don't care if 1 in 1 billion times this happens - we are going to be that one.  And again I spiral.  

Recently - my therapist told me to start thinking of anxiety as a physical separate entity.  Some little monster that lives in the real world and is entirely separate from my being.  I have named him (none of your business his name) and he is an asshole.  But thinking of him in terms of a completely separate being from myself also helps me to understand and protect myself from his overbearing ways.  I stick his negative hateful self into a box and I duct tape that thing shut.

As always - anxiety is so personal.  And it's got so many layers to the way in which it affects the people who life with it.  Do what works for you.  But DO something.  If for no other reason than to be able to breathe again.  To smile.  To enjoy a day without that overwhelming dread that owns your day.  Do something because you get one time to live life and you get to choose whether you live it in fear, or live it in joy.

New Normal

Since I know you've been religiously reading my blog, you're caught up on my new normal of setting boundaries in the workplace and balancing a personal life.  I'm proud to say that for the past few weeks I've actually been able to do it, and it's weird.  

As a working adult I've only ever experienced the overworked endless to do list life. I've never gone through the work day at ease or with time to actively focus on one task.  It's been constant putting out of fires and leaving at the end of the day completely drained.

But for the past few weeks I've left work feeling accomplished.  I have had a reasonable workload.  I haven't been on an airplane.  I haven't been surviving on a few hours of sleep.  I've even left my desk for lunch.  

And in true form - this gives me anxiety.

Because I only know the life of an overachiever, a save the day hero, a never say no champion - I feel like an absolute waste of space existing in normal job land.  I'm paranoid I've become like everyone else, good at my job but not the star.  I'm worried I'm seen as a slacker.  That I'm not doing enough.

Keep in mind I put in my 8+ hours each day so I'm by no means coasting through anything.  I'm actually more productive because I have the time to perfect the details, to look at how we can grow accounts, and to evaluate past events.  

But I can't help but wonder - is this normal?  Is this what it's like to be a normal employee somewhere?  You do your job, you go home and you live your life and there's this sense of calm and that's just ok?  What do I do with my hands?  Where's the fire drill?

I recently started therapy (I know, I'm so evolved look at me!) and my therapist is working on getting me to understand what it's like to shift my commitment to work to myself.  To learn to continue to be really good at what I do but to also take that same dedication to building up my personal life.  To understanding that I don't have to be it all to be valued in my company.  

Right now - I'm not very good at it if we are being really honest.  But I'm starting to get addicted to being invested in myself.  To leaving work at work, to saying no to taking it all on.  There's still that little voice that taps me on the shoulder and says you're not enough, you're missing out on opportunities when you set boundaries - but then there's this sparkly bitch on my other shoulder who has a fire inside of her.  She likes Pilates and dinners with friends.  She enjoys going on dates.  She lives for quiet time to write at home.  She's super passionate about her Thursday night TV shows.  

The more that sparkly angel speaks up and the more I feed her energy, the quieter my anxiety monster gets.  And while I very well could miss out on something in my career, the balance is worth it.  Feeling whole again is worth it.  It's so damn cliché and yet something I have wholeheartedly yearned to embody: On your deathbed, do you want to remember all the times you stayed late for work or do you want to remember all the passions you felt and the people you made memories with?          

Leadership Potential

As you grow and advance in your career, you are likely to become a manager.  In a lot of ways, there's not a whole lot of training around this when it happens.  Because of that, a lot of new managers lack an identity as a leader.  

When you are given the honor and the responsibility of managing others, it is a defining moment for you, your career, and the career path of others.  

Think back to the supervisors you've had over the years.  Most likely you work harder, are more efficient, and stay with a company longer when you have a good supervisor.  Alternatively when you're stuck with someone who micromanages, doesn't give clear direction or is just plain unpleasant you probably accomplish less and leave your company a lot more quickly.  Being a boss give you the opportunity to shape the framework for how your company operates.  It also affords you the opportunity to shape the future of those who will go out into the world  and become leaders themselves.  Selfishly, I also want to be a good leader so that my name is out there as someone who is great to work for.  

So how do you become a good leader/manager/boss?

Take the Role Seriously

First understand that being a boss is an important role.  It's not about just you anymore.  You're being trusted to represent the company you work for and to teach other employees what that company stands for.  You will be shaping the careers of others and are often in control of their future roles within the organization

Decide what kind of boss you want to be

Figure out what characteristics you have valued in past supervisors and which ones made your skin crawl.  And then be realistic about what works for you and the group you're supervising.  I hate being micromanaged, but I also understand that sometimes when team members are new they require more oversight.  Make a list of things that are your top priority and figure out how to make those your defining qualities as a boss.  For me that's communication, excellence in expectations, and providing the confidence in my team to do their jobs.

Be Consistent

Whatever type of manager you become, be consistent.  Nothing is worse than a boss who lacks consistency.  Figure out who you are as the team leader and consistently be that person.  It's ok to evolve, but don't decide you don't want to micromanage and then become the person who looks over everyone's shoulder.  The fastest way to frustrate your subordinates is by being unpredictable.

Be Flexible

What works for one employee does not work for all.  Some of your team may require more guidance.  Others don't need any.  Understand their strengths and weaknesses and be flexible as a leader so that you're providing the tools to success for your team.  This includes how you assign projects and give feedback.  Be aware and be flexible.   

Give up the Friendship Role

I'm not a formal person.  As a supervisor I'm probably more approachable and laid back than a lot.  But I'm also very quick to point out the misses and make sure we are working towards excellence.  It's ok to be friendly, but give up the role of friend to those you supervise.  There are boundaries as the boss and they are very critical to the success of your career as a manager.

Be Open to Criticism and Growth

Ask for feedback from both your superiors and those you supervise.  Is all of it going to be useful?  Probably not.  But being open to feedback allows you to reflect on the things you aren't able to see everyday and to grow and adjust how you lead the team.  If you're not constantly looking to how you can be a better manager, you're in no position to be one to begin with.

Being a boss is all of the emotions.  It's exciting, scary, stressful, growth - it's a really cool honor.  But there's a very fine line between being a successful boss and being the person who nobody wants to work for.  Take the role seriously and do everything you can to be you but in a way that promotes success for yourself, your team, and your company.

Action

Being passionate about the world is where it starts.  Standing up as an open supporter of a movement is brave.  But where the real change starts is with action.  I'm as passionate as they come when it comes to the hate, racism, sexism, bigotry (etc. etc.) that's going on right now.  But what am I, what are WE doing to change the way the world is?

On social media we are all very active in spreading the word, and that's great to open up the dialogue, but now we need to act on those words.  In that vain I'd like to provide you with some outlets to DO.

1.   Write a Check

Pick your favorite cause, your passion project, and put your money where your mouth is.  Research which organizations are out there putting their legal, political, and celebrity influences in the world to effect real change.  Give whatever you can, it adds up.  

2. Give Time

We don't all have the funds to make donations.  Give time.  Are you a doctor?  A lawyer?  Someone with a special skill that can provide real assistance?  Find an organization that needs these talents and give an hour, give two hours, give a day.  Aren't equipped to save lives?  Neither am I!  But I can plan events for charities for FREE.  I can help brand their campaigns.  I can also simply pitch in and do the grunt work.

3.  Be Active in Your Activism

This one is SO easy.  Call, write, TWEET your local elected officials.  Let them know what you want to see in place.  These people work for US and if they stop listening to us, they lose their jobs.  But this only happens if people are doing their part to be heard. 

4. Be a Good Human

This is the easiest one.  Simply be kind.  Get outside and talk to the people around you.  Become informed about their lives and their struggles and triumphs.  Honk less.  Hold the door open more.  Smile everywhere you go. We are ALL fighting different battles.  We are ALL important.  But the more we hide behind social media, the less we come together and understand what those battles are and the less we value anyone else.  

5. Show Up

Every day there are marches and rallies and open forums.  Show up.  Be present for yourself and for others.  

6. Educate Yourself

This is huge.  There is so much information out there.  A lot of it unfortunately just isn't real.  Do yourself a favor and do the research - have real facts on what you're passionate about.  Speak from an informed place when you talk to others about these issues.  Don't fall victim to the crap you see out there.  Misinformation is 98% of our problem right now.  

There are so many other ways to ACT, DO, and EFFECT CHANGE!  The point is, don't think that simply talking about it on social media is making you a productive member of the movement for change.  We can talk at each other all day long, but until the masses decide to DO, we won't see any real change in America.  You have to decide if its important enough to you to make a difference.