Diary of an Anxious Person Part 32

I've gotten a lot of really positive feedback around my posts discussing my journey with anxiety. I truly appreciate getting the notes letting me know you think I'm brave, you relate to how I feel, and encouraging me to keep speaking up.  As a direct result of that feedback, I've decided to start a series of blogs that delve deeper into living with anxiety.  

As a disclaimer - I'd like to make sure that those of you reading know this is just MY specific journey and the inner workings of ME.  Every person living with anxiety is unique and you should never feel badly about whatever your journey looks like.  You should also not think of anything I say as scientific fact.  Look to the experts and do what works for you.  I'm merely speaking about my personal struggles and triumphs because I think its important not to hide behind my mental illness.  I am not crazy.  There is nothing wrong with me.  And there's nothing wrong with you either.

Today - I'm talking openly about what my anxiety feels like and how it makes me engage within my own head space.

Lately I've struggled with controlling my anxious thoughts.  And its been really frustrating.  Things in my life are going really well.  I'm obsessed with my job and the people I'm working with.  I love what I'm doing, I feel challenged.  My personal life and home life are pretty much drama free as well right now.  My health has been off, but I'm working through that and confident I'll be just fine.  And yet - I'm extra anxious.

I get anxiety over silly things.  Leaving my dog at camp for an extended period of time.  Loud noises like thunder late at night.  Not being on schedule for well anything.  Things that I have zero logical reason to be anxious about have my heart racing.  And that only feeds the anxiety.  The most frustrating thing about anxiety for me is that it's not an easy on and off switch.  I know when my anxiety is making me irrational.  I know when my fears are unfounded.  It's not as easy as saying - this is ridiculous - let it go. 

I'm really self conscious about my anxiety.  And in general, I'm not a self conscious person.  About anything.  I could probably stand for a little self consciousness in areas of my life, but with my anxiety, I get really quiet.  I worry there's still that stigma.  At work I have a fear it's a weakness.  I'm constantly assuming people around me think of me as crazy or that I'm of less value.  And that doesn't feel good. 

My anxiety has me constantly overthinking, overreacting, and overstressing.  It feels like 1,000 thoughts at once.  It feels like my heart is racing and my chest is pounding.  It feels like all of my fears and worries are all poking me at once saying "but what if."  It feels exhausting.  For me, having anxiety feels like I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not worthy enough of a normalcy that I crave.  Anxiety keeps me from expressing myself well.  It keeps me from focusing well at times. 

Anxiety for me feels like an all encompassing burden.  A little monster in my head.  And one that until very recently - I never thought I could properly control. 

Remembering Yourself.

In an entire sitting on a flight to New York I read Ashley Grahams new book: A New Model.   for any woman who has ever struggled with body image - I highly recommend this book.  It's an extremely empowering novel that celebrates body diversity, body positivity, and the power of the female form.  But the part that really resonated with me was with how much I celebrate the beauty of other women, as much as I'm the first person to call out the great qualities of people around me - I am deserving of that kind of love too.

It's really important to me to celebrate the uniqueness of human beings.  I am that person in public who will tell strangers I love their outfit, their hair looks incredible, or they have a contagious smile.  I think if we all spent a little more time complimenting and lifting each other up, the world would be just a little bit softer.  But when it comes to myself, I'm kind of an asshole.

There is no negative thing anyone could say to me that I have not thought about myself.  I'm the first person to point out my flaws and I am constantly thinking about how to improve who I am. And while it's important to always be growing, it's equally important to appreciate who you are NOW. 

I recently started getting back into therapy and it's hit me like a ton of bricks that as much as I do love who I am - I am still really mean to myself.  I criticize where I'm at in my career, how hard I'm working out, nit pick at my appearance, worry about how committed I am to the people around me - etc. etc. etc.  And that is really exhausting.  And really unnecessary. 

So I'm working on looking at how kindly I treat others and figuring out how to be as kind to myself.  I'm an exceptional human being, in theory - I get that overall - I'm good people.  But learning to celebrate that every day and give myself the compliments that I give others, is absolutely necessary.  I'm out here doing my best too and my best is pretty dang good - I deserve love and celebration and compliments too.

There's a difference in self love and celebrating the self.  I truly do love who I am.  But being able to celebrate that love and confidence is critical to a healthy mentality.  So here's how I solve, because we all know I love a good list:

1. Everyday I write down something I love about me
2. T-H-E-R-A-P-Y
3. Learning to call myself and hold myself accountable when I get too judgmental of myself
4. Surrounding myself with people who are positive about themselves
5. Chill the F out

That's where we are.  Baby steps and small celebrations.  Hold me accountable and help me make this happen my sequins.  I'm kind of awesome, and I need to stop being such a jerk to myself because I certainly would never put up with anyone else treating me the way I treat me sometimes! 

#SparkleOn

Professionalism

In the workplace, you are bound to come across people that are hard to work with.  People you may not like at all.  But part of growing up, excelling in your career, is learning to avoid the drama, and be the bigger person.

Whether you're 22 or 42 - the best skill you can have as a professional is professionalism.  The ability to separate yourself from those who succumb to the immaturity and the drama, that's such a skill in the world. 

Throughout my years as a boss babe, I've certainly fallen into the trap of letting the drama get to me and participating in the madness.  But as I've grown and advanced, I'm developed a bit of an artistry towards handling these less than ideal situations.

Let's talk how to develop and maintain that kind of mentality. 

Mind your own business.

First and foremost, work is not a social community.  It's important to have good working relationships and even to maintain strong friendships with a select few of your coworkers, but work is a business.  Your number one purpose is to do what you were hired to do, develop your skills, and contribute to the success of your company.  That's it.  When drama is happening around you, when you hear the gossip, the immature behavior, do not engage.  Mind your own business.

Learn the art of the brush off.

Chances are, at some point, someone is going to try to pull you into the spectacle.  Learn to artfully comment on the situation without taking sides and make it clear you're uninterested in involving yourself.  Don't get sucked in.  Remind yourself that your number one role is to spend your time doing your job.  I you're constantly finding yourself approached by the office drama queen (or king) - be slow to respond, continue emailing, be uninterested.  The art of the brush off is being able to get the point across that you're not interested in joining the circus without having to blatantly say "go away you're the worst."

The rule of words.

I have a rule that I live by at work.  I don't say anything to anyone that I wouldn't want to be said to someone else.  I own every single thing I say about someone and to someone because I've been careful about how I speak to other people and about other people.  I've put my foot in my mouth in the past and had to own up to things I should not have ever said.  And that's not a good feeling nor a good professional look.  Think before you speak, keep personal feelings out of it, and remember that business is not the place to regret what you say.

Keep your goals in mind.

The person who gets promoted, who excels in the work place - is the person who does not engage in the theatrics of petty behavior.  In 2017, company culture is a priority and if you're catty, gossiping, and constantly speaking about others in a negative way - you're not promoting a positive culture.  No matter how good you are at your job, if you create a disruption in the company culture, you will be fired.  Your value is not greater than the good of the company.  Constantly put your professional goals at the forefront.  Your competition is yourself.  Develop your plan with your manager and focus on that plan.  Leave everyone else out of it.

Find your zen.

It's not always easy to bush off the drama.  Sometimes it's difficult to deal with and harder to ignore.  It's stressful, it's unpleasant, and unfortunately - it happens.  When it does - find your zen.  Take a walk, listen to music, text a friend.  Do whatever you have to do to disengage from the situation and refocus back to your goals.  We all slip up, we all succumb to the pressure sometimes - but being able to step back and get out of it before any real damage occurs is what separates the amaturs and the professionals.

Professionalism is so important to a successful career.  As a manager, if you're not displaying a high level of professionalism and working to better your skills in this area, I'm not going to invest myself in you.  You are not the future of the organization and quit frankly, you're not going anywhere in life until you grasp this.  Professionalism takes a lot of self reflection and commitment to growth.  You will never stop developing this talent.  22 or 42, it's your greatest asset and you should consistently be looking to take it to the next level.  Don't ever let yourself forget that work is a business, it's not a social setting and it's not high school.  Save the shenanigans for your personal life because the professional world doesn't care.

Hit the Reset Button

Hi Sequins!  I know I'm not the only one who gets completely involved in work and other people and completely sets my self care aside.  When I do this, I get really off track in being aware of what I need.  I get irritable, easily flustered, and just plain exhausted.  In order to maximize my sparkle, I'm trying to be more aware of where I'm at internally so that externally I can present my best self.

I've put together a list of resets - things that help me focus on ME and get back to neutral when I've been going a million miles a minute and am out of whack.  I'm sure a lot of these are already in your wheelhouse but maybe you forget to use them.  I'm here to remind you - sometimes you gotta DO YOU!

1. Fitness

I've grown up an athlete.  When I take a moment to go for a run, take a yoga class, or lift weights, my mind slips back into that role and I'm at peace.  Bonus?  It's good for the body too and often helps me sleep at night.

2. Naps

Ya'll I am the QUEEN of naps.  When I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, catch me in bed hitting the reset button.  I prefer hours but if I can only get 30 minutes in, I'll nap.  Sometimes my body just needs to completely shut down and reboot and sleep is the best way to achieve this.

3. Books

I read every single night.  Books are an escape for me.  I tend to lean towards a good mystery novel because I love the excitement of the puzzle.  Books help my mind shut out everything else and focus on whatever world I'm placed into.  

4. Puppies

I have a dog who is my child.  Spending time playing with him, walking him, or simply  snuggling with him makes my whole heart smile.  He reminds me there are more important things in life and that he's always there excited to see me.  Rescue a dog if you have not already because it is them who will rescue you!

5. Nails

Get your nails did!  When you look right, you feel right!  I love escaping the world and taking my headphones to the nail salon to get a good mani/pedi.  It looks good, helps you feel good, and you get a minute to escape from the real world.

6. Journal

Journaling is the best way to get out everything you're thinking and feeling and reflect on it.  It's also alone time to just digest everything going on and figure out where you're at.  Super important to be able to recognize where your feelings come from so that you are better able to handle them moving forward.  

Those 6 things are my favorite way to reset and refocus.  I know some people like to be around friends or family but for me resetting myself is more about alone time.  Without me time, I would go insane!  How do you best reset yourself?

#SparkleOn

#NoFilter

Like most women in the world today - I'm guilty of a bit of vanity.  And while I'm probably less worried about my appearance than most, I absolutely find myself criticizing the way I look, adding a touch of makeup before I go out into public, and apologizing when I look tired.  I use the snapchat filters for my selfies, obsess a little if I look heavy in an IG post, and get a little self conscious comparing myself to someone else' highlight reel.  

Thankfully, I'm generally really happy with the way I look and who I am.  I realize that the flaws are what make me unique and that my soul shines through, making me one damn beautiful babe.  But I'm human.  I have the moments that I'm just not comfortable in my body.  

But I also preach a lot to other women (and men) that confidence is loving who you are without comparing yourself to everyone else.  It's finding the beauty in everyone (including yourself) and celebrating whatever makes you and everyone else feel beautiful.

For some women, beauty is a full face of makeup, having that "perfect" model body, and every hair in place.  And for others, it's extra weight, muscles, and minimal makeup.  And for someone else, its something entirely different.  For me - I feel my best when I'm wearing minimal makeup and in my workout gear.  I associate so much of my happiness and confidence with sports, so when I am in that element, I radiate complete self assurance.  

Recently - I took a trip to Belize with two of my best girlfriends.  It took me out of my comfort zone as I realized - I had never been out of the country without my parents.  I know, 31 and all of my international travel has been with my family.  And while you may think that makes me spoiled (I am), it also makes me feel loved and thankful.  But being able to go out of the country and handle everything on our own, I love the independence that gave me.  Make no mistake - I grew up very privileged, but I was also given the skills to thrive on my own.  And for that, I am forever grateful.

Back to comfort zones.  I decided to challenge myself to focusing on the adventure of being in a new country.  To not worry about anything but maximizing my time taking in the culture and experiences with my girls.  So I didn't pack makeup.  That's right.  No makeup.  And I'm not talking "I didn't pack makeup" meaning I only took bronzer and mascara.  I took no makeup.  The only beauty products I packed were sunscreen and moisturizer.  And the world didn't end.

I spent 5 days makeup free with only the sunshine to give me that natural glow.  And you know what I learned?  It's pretty liberating to just show up as you are.  To rock what your mama gave ya!  I felt all kinds of bad ass exploring Belize without a stitch of vanity (FINE - dry shampoo attended because no need to be gross).  I didn't hide from the camera, I didn't worry about looking less than my best - I just owned it.  Because happiness is honestly the best filter anyways.  

As cheesy and cliche as it sounds (and yes, I do generally have good skin so fine, could be a little easier for me) - I got some extra boost of confidence from the experience.  It made me feel incredibly empowered to show up as I am and shine on (literally, the humidity is not forgiving...).  The moral of the story?  You gotta learn to love you as you, whatever that means to your inner diva - and only then can you look and feel your best.  Listen to what gives you the most joy and where you feel your most confidence.  And whenever you need a pick me up, get back to that place.  For me, that's a whole lot of #NoFilter.

#SparkleOn my Sequins!

Travel is a Drug.

Whether I'm traveling for work or for play - I feel alive once I step off that airplane into a new city.  I could be in Kansas City or Belize City, I love the feeling of the unknown and the unfamiliar.  Travel gives me an opportunity to learn, explore, and grow - and each and every time - I get all the feels.

I've been all over this great country of ours.  From Sacramento to NYC to Milwaukee, Nashville, Laramie, and everywhere in between.  I love learning about the culture and community that makes America such a diverse nation.  I eat local, I drink local, I hike local - I live local. 

And recently - I've gotten back to taking my travel high global.  I've spent time all over Mexico, the Caribbean, and South America.  But shockingly - I've never been anywhere else!  Not Europe, not Asia, not Africa!  And it's about time that changes. 

America is amazing - I love America so very much - but I need to learn to be a citizen of the world.  And as someone who values the differences each culture provides this giant melting pot - I can't wait to grow my knowledge of the people around me.

Traveling gives me a high nothing else provides.  I get butterflies when I'm about to go somewhere I've never been before.  I am humbled by the people I meet, the food I taste, the museums I explore.  And as long as I live, the greatest gift I'll ever give myself, is the ability to travel.

Next up? Europe.  I've got a really good feeling it's going to become my next addiction...

#SparkleOn

About that Action.

Like many informed Americans, I am really unhappy with the orange guy who is our so-called "President."  I certainly make my opinions clear and speak a lot to educate wherever I can.  But what's truly important right now is acting.  I donate to causes that I feel most connected to (PP, ACLU, Smithsonian) and so I wanted to provide some outlets for you to essentially put your money where your mouth is. 

ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union)

You can donate on a national level or choose to keep it local.  Regardless - this organization is dedicated to defending our rights as citizens, empowering communities and influencing policies for the better.  They're one of my favorite organizations because they're 100% about action.  They don't just talk about it, they get involved and they power entire movements.

Planned Parenthood

I'm beyond blessed that I haven't needed their services.  But I'm thankful that they're available should I ever need them.  And contrary to popular belief, PP is not just for abortion services, although I'm thankful they provide a safe place for this as well.  PP provides information, contraception, annual exams, and so much more.  Again, donate at the local or national level.  Regardless of your political and religious stance, abortions will always and forever happen - places like PP help make them SAFE for women.  And they do so much more to help our communities stay healthy and educated about their reproductive needs.

The Smithsonian

I am absolutely obsessed with museums.  And the Smithsonian museums are the best in the business.  You need weeks to get through them all and you can go back 100 times and learn something new each time.  Not to mention The Smithsonian is a vast education and research complex.  So they're continuing to learn and discover new things about the world every day.  And yea, they believe in science.

Women's March

I'm a giant feminist.  I support equality.  I love that the Women's March has been s powerful, so peaceful, and so committed to what Feminism stands for in my heart.  This group is aiming to fight for equality for our future.  It values civil rights and liberties, diversity, health, and education.  I'm excited to se where they keep going.

The moral of the story?  Support whatever causes are important to you, but DO SOMETHING.  Keep talking, keep learning, and keep up the involvement.  But make sure to take action as well.  Because without action - we just have a bunch of talking and no real change.  And we certainly need a whole lot of change right now.

#SparkleOn

Unplugged

If you're reading this, I'm in Belize!  And I'm spending my time with two of my closest girlfriends adventuring, exploring, and NOT with my electronics.  Save for the brief update, I'm spending much less time than normal on my technologies!

I KNOW!  I'm unplugged!  ME!  But I told you, this is the year of less talk and more DO.  So I'm putting my words into action and I'm taking the trips and spending the time with people I love. 

In an effort to keep this short and sweet - and focus on my relaxation - I'll leave you with this - UNPLUG!

While I'm not big on weeks or months without electronics - I do condone simplifying and unplugging whenever possible.  Maybe you don't need Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr...the list goes on.  Pick one or two.  And ditch the rest!  If you're out with friends, put your phone DOWN.  Be in the moment, soak in the feeling and engage in what's happening.

Technology is amazing - but real life is 1 billion times better.  Real life creates feelings, memories, and if you pay attention - they'll give you more than any Facebook post ever could.

Cheers Sequins!

#SpakleOn

Millennials

There seems to be a trend of late in which the world wants to blame Millennials for everything.  We are lazy, emotional, expect too much - the list goes on.  Here's the thing world - Millennials are also innovative, aware, and efficient.  Fine, we will take credit for the Kardashians - and I apologize for that - but to blame us for the world's problems is a bit dramatic.

Technically a millennial is anyone born from the 80's to the early 2000's.  Can we agree that's a really broad spectrum of ages?  That's a group that started with Nokia face plates and then a group who doesn't know what life was like before iPhones.  So many things changed within that 20+ year time period, that this millennial name cannot possibly define all of us born during the specified time.  Personally - I don't relate to being a millennial.  I think of anyone early-mid 20s to being in that millennial age group and I'm more of an old and cranky millennial.  Like I'm into a healthy lifestyle but I don't want to talk about my feelings.  

Regardless - for all intensive purposes - I'm labeled a millennial.  And that's fine, it keeps me young.  And I even relate to a lot of the characteristics that define this generation.  I'm for being mindful of the environment, I'm about speaking up and being woke when it comes to political and social issues, and I'm into a work life balance that is mindful of who I am as a human being.  And I'm also offended when those old people blame us for the decline in chain restaurant success, call us lazy because there aren't any jobs, and who consider us freeloaders because many of us live at home.  

Let's get one thing straight - this generation is a compilation of the politics, fiscal state, and beliefs of the generation before it.  That's kind of how it all works.  One generation votes a certain way, sets the fiscal state, and creates pop culture trends that don't take full effect until much later.  So the fact that we are still struggling to find jobs, buy homes, and are defined by technology - is a direct result of the choices of the generation before us (Generation X).  We show up as adults in the world that we had no real hand in creating - and we are using the tools we have to survive and thrive.  And a big part of millennial culture is that we realize the things we do now are going to directly affect the next generation.  We are mindful hat we need to take care of the environment.  We fight for the rights that we will probably never fully receive in our lifetime because we want future us to have those rights.  We don't eat at Buffalo Wild Wings because small business are more important to us than corporate America.  

Fine - I'll give you technology and social media.  We are thoroughly addicted to our toys and we have trouble putting them down.  I'm old school and agree with Generation X - we should put down our phones and laptops and talk to each other.  But I also love that we are a generation of pushing the limits of what technology can achieve.  We connect people in ways they've never been able to communicate before.  We save lives through medical advances that would never happen without the tech nerds out there.  And we created a food delivery service so that you never have to choose between Netflix and pizza (angels among us ya'll).

What else?  We are too sensitive, especially in the workplace.  This is harder to refute because honestly - I don't think the workplace is for feelings.  But I also appreciate that the workplace is learning that people are human beings and life happens 9-5.  For me this is less about being in tune with the emotions of your employees and more understanding that jobs demand a lot and people give a lot to the companies that employ us.  I find it very fair that an organization should have respect for that - within reason.  If I need to go to the doctor on a Thursday at 2PM, I'm going to do that.  If I need to work from home one day because I've got someone working on my kitchen, that should be okay.  It's less about feelings and more about treating employees as adults.  And in turn, if your employee cannot act like an adult, they don't deserve to be working at your company.  

Oh yes - we are lazy and really bad with our money.  First - we did not invent debt.  The state of the economy from the crash of the 2000's is where I think debt really took off.  So chill, because we weren't old enough to cause that.  We have debt because education hasn't been a reasonable cost since the 70's.  Tuition costs more than a home.  But without that education, we don't get the good jobs.  But by the time we get the good job, we are thousands and thousands in debt.  And there we have the cycle.  We aren't lazy.  We have more costs, less opportunity, and have to work twice as hard to get a decent job that barely covers the bills we have because education and healthcare were not made a priority.  Nobody is saying we work harder than Gen X.  Nobody is claiming life is harder.  But we are saying - it's an uphill battle from the time we show up to undergrad until we are able to break even at 65.  We aren't lazy - we're out here doing the best we can with what we are given.  The fact that we complain about these things is not because we believe none of them should be our problem.  We complain because we want a better future for our kids, because we know the work that goes into barely surviving in 2017.

Stop blaming millennials for the worlds problems.  Stop calling us lazy, too sensitive - blah blah blah.  Consider that you were us once.  You were dealing with what the generation before you put out into the universe and while our struggles may be different - it all boils down to one thing: we are all doing the best we can with the cards we are dealt.   

Peace Man.

The key to any relationship - romantic, friendly, even the relationship with yourself - is forgiveness.  In order to gain peace of mind and live a truly happy life - you have to learn to forgive and be at peace with whatever that means.

The ultimate goal in life should be to obtain peace.  Peace within your relationships internally and with those around you.  To feel a sense of comfort, safety, and trust in the world and those around you.  And that means learning to forgive people and situations even if they don't have the outcome you hope for.   

As the biggest control freak out there - I relate to needing things to fit into certain categories and reach certain conclusions.  But that's not realistic.  It's impossible to have definitive conclusions and closure to every situation or relationships.  Being able to recognize that, accept it and neutralize your emotions with that - are the best skills you could ever have.

I had a friend I'd known for 20+ years.  Since we were the tiniest of children.  As we continued o grow up the relationship began to stress me out more and more.  But I never actually took the time to understand why or communicate that to her.  When I finally understood why I felt the way I did and spoke up - she wholeheartedly disagreed.  She felt very differently and it ended our relationship.  It took me a really long time to accept that there's no right and wrong in that situation.  And neither of us was going to understand the other or make a change.  At the end of the day, there's no resolve.  

Today - I am able to understand we grew into two different people.  the relationship became something that wasn't working.  I now understand I can't plead my case or change the way she feels. I accept that I can't change her feelings.  And I feel at peace with the fact that it is what it is.  The only thing I can do is focus on what is best and healthiest for me.  What brings me the most peace.

A lot of learning to be at peace, to embrace the calm and neutral space inside you is learning to get to know YOU.  It's understanding your feelings, being confident in who you are, and learning how you best fit into the world around you.  

Digging deeper - confidence in yourself, who you are and where you exist in your space are truly the most critical characteristics you can have.  Taking the time to be truly in tune with what makes you who you are, the good and the bad, gives you such an advantage in life.  Know your triggers, know where you thrive, and be able to love you for all of those things.

Feelings are my least favorite things in the world.  I've existed for 31 years with the tactic of ignoring emotions and it's all coming back to hit me smack in the face.  The ability to have feelings, understand feelings, and communicate those feelings - I'm certain that makes you some kind of super hero.  But seriously, having the awareness to know when you feel good, when you need a minute, and how to reset yourself to neutral is the ultimate level of zen.  Harness that ninja skill and use it to save the world.  

Learning where you fit - this means combining your confidence and awareness and choosing people and environments that help you maintain those qualities at a high level.  It's realizing if you're triggered by loud and opinionated vibes - you maybe don't become my friend.  It's knowing the type of situations and people who make you feel the most alive.  They challenge you in a way that makes you feel growth but not so much that you feel bad about who you are.  

Peace of mind is internal.  It's working on all of these components to set yourself up for success.  And then it's using those tools to help you understand how someone else feels, accept the situation for what it is, and find peace in it even if you don't find a solution to the situation.  

Find peace and find that next level of living your best life as your best self.  And then you #SparkleOn