Growing up as an athlete, I've never been comfortable with feelings. I operate from a place of maintaining toughness, avoiding discussing emotions, and distracting myself from my problems. I rarely if ever cry, I keep serious things close to the vest, and I never take time to consider if I'm mentally healthy.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression early in life. I've taken some form of medication for as long as I can remember to help me combat those chemical imbalances. Thankfully I grew out of the depression but my anxiety can range from mild to severe on a daily basis. While these are both really common ailments in society, I've never openly talked about suffering from them.
When I was in college, I was attacked at knife point. I was 17 years old and in a cast with a broken foot and extremely vulnerable to my attacker. The next day when I spoke to my Sprints Coach about what happened, his major concern was about my mental health. This was the first time I had ever had someone talk to me about how I was feeling emotionally, not just how I was physically. He suggested I meet with a psychologist on staff to just talk. I stuck with the sessions for maybe a month. But having someone I respected in my world of sports and competition speak to mental health so openly - opened my eyes even a small bit to the importance of mental health. That is was okay to get help.
There's a stigma with mental health. A mental illness is often correlated with a crazy person. We are taught that to show emotion is weakness. To say "I'm not okay" is a sign of someone who is less than. It's embarrassing to admit fear. To say, I'm sad. So we internalize it. We "stay tough." The fact is 1 in 5 Americans suffers from some form of mental illness in a given year. That can range from anxiety to depression to bipolar disorder. 60% of those people don't get help.
In 2008 I started a new job that turned out to have an unhealthy unethical environment. I lost my Gammie, with whom I was very close. I finally decided to call it quits for good with an on again off again boyfriend. I had a medical issue that took about 6 months to diagnose and resulted in surgery and later an infection. Eventually I got to a point where I was not ok. Now mind you I have an incredible support system. My family and my friends are so supportive and so incredibly willing to go above and beyond to care for me. But I still couldn't express how poorly I was coping. Eventually, in order to help my case with what was happening at work, I stared going to a therapist.
The extent of my discomfort with emotions was easily seen by the therapist I began working with. I could barely open up to him about anything. It took a full year of weekly appointments for me to fully trust him and talk about something other than work stress. But what I learned slowly was that to not talk about my problems, to pretend they don't exist, and to try and internalize everything is extremely dangerous.
I've been in and out of therapy since 2008. And I still struggle to deal with emotions. Until very recently, some of my best friends had no idea some of the things I've dealt with in life. I've never told them. Close family members are just now learning about silent battles of years past. But I'm starting to be open. I'm starting to make a conscious effort to be stronger than the stigma. Be stronger than the fear of being weak. To let people care for me as I care for them.
So what's my point? I like to think I'm someone that at least a couple people respect. And I think those people might be surprised that the bubbly, sparkly person that I am has ever battled depression and anxiety. And those same people might think that the happy Ashley is fake because surely you can't have anxiety and be like me - but you're wrong. I'm truly this ridiculously sparkly. So my point is that its ok to speak up. It's ok to say I'm not ok. And having anxiety or depression or OCD or whatever you may have does not make you crazy. It makes you human.
I continue to struggle. My anxiety causes me to be an incredibly in control person. For me to write about this in a very public setting is a big step. It's making a bigger commitment to be open about mental health. Because I truly believe your mental health is just as important as your physical health. And that's why I will continue to do everything I can; from therapy to yoga to glitter - to keep working on my mind as much as I work on my body.
Make a point to talk to your humans. Your circle of chosen unicorns. Open up to them. Talk about your feelings, the things you experience, and let your relationships flourish because of it. Allow people to be there for you. Don't pretend everything is amazing if it isn't. Give your people a chance to support you back to amazing.
And if at any point you get to a place that you need more than a friend, please do not ever hesitate to call a professional. Ask for help. There is incredible strength in knowing you need more than a hug and a glass of wine. It's a battle you should never have to fight alone. You are loved and you can get better and I sincerely hope you know that you're stronger for seeking a source of change.
Lastly, I encourage everyone to become more educated and comfortable with the term mental illness and what that encompasses. I encourage you to show compassion. I insist you pay attention to the people around you. Stop telling people "it will get better" or "get over your anxiety" or refer to mental illness as crazy. Be compassionate. Be open minded. Make your loved ones comfortable enough to come to you before it gets bad. We all go through so much, we all handle it so differently. Remember that everyone around you is fighting a battle you don't know about. It's not a competition, let's work hard to ensure we all make it out and thrive.
#SparkleOn
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