Really Put Together People vs. Me

Thanks to social media, it is now easier than ever to see people looking really put together while you're just trying to get to work on time without spilling coffee on your white shirt.  You know who I'm talking about - the girl who's on the beach laughing in some candid shot; hair perfectly blowing in the wind just living the dream.  The people who post pictures of their Pinterest crafts and they actually turn out like the photo.  I am not one of these people. 

I consistently spill things on my outfit, am wearing my shirt backwards, and most certainly all candid shots of me are not attractive.  Case in point - my girlfriends and I took jumping shots on the beach in Malibu a few months back.  They all look adorable.  My hair is whipped across my face and I look like I'm going to fall and break an ankle at any moment.

No matter how hard I try - I am simply doomed to be one of those people that you wonder how they make it through a day.  So I'd like to do make a list - because God I love lists - detailing things that have actually happened to me, because being really put together is really overrated. 

• I once got a concussion at work from falling out of my chair, rolling down some stairs, and hitting my head on a wall.
• The Los Angeles City Fire Department paused to laugh at me standing in the street in my underwear BEFORE running upstairs to stop the fire I set in my microwave.
• While trying to hang up a poster I staple gunned my finger to a wall.
• Went to work once wearing two different shoes.
• In Colorado it was really cold.  I wore extra thick polar bear socks under my slacks at work.  When I crossed my legs in a big meeting, it was extremely easy to see my non business like socks.
• In college I had to make up the timed mile for Fall training (I ran track in college) bright and early one morning.  I ate yogurt about 30 minutes before I ran.  I finished with a 6 minute mile - and then proceeded to throw up in front of the entire football team who was also practicing at that time.
• I've gone places with mascara only on one eye, more than once.
• I got on a flight to Houston once.  I meant to go to Sacramento. 
•  In one day I backed into a dumpster and a pole at Trader Joe's.  Literally within hours of each other. 
• For an entire day I wore a work blouse inside out.  Didn't realize this until I got home that evening.
• During an autograph session with an athlete I was working with, basketballs started rolling off the table - at which point I said "Come on...Your balls are everywhere!"  Didn't realize anything was weird about this statement for 10 minutes.  
• My first day of work at a new job my boss told me we were going to a meeting.  It was cold and snowing and I said "Should I wear my clothes?" ...instead of should I bring my coat? 
• I bought a fun work appropriate red lipstick that I wore ....it was on my teeth for half the day.
• When I hung up with the head coach of the team I was working for I said "ok love you bye" because I'm so used to saying it to friends and family.  I didn't even realize I said it until he made a joke about it the following day. 
• During an event I was updating the SVP about details of setup when I realized somehow this really expensive giant glitter sign (duh) had been glued to the floor.  I screamed into the phone "GLITTER EMERGENCY" and hung up.  Surprisingly he understood and had no further questions.  
• Went to the gym with a hole in my yoga pants. Didn't understand why all the men were really into me that day until I got home and saw where the hole was located.  Should have charged a fee.  
• In high school I was convinced I could dye my hair blond myself.  I have red understones.  My hair was pink for two weeks because we went on vacation the following day. 

Needless to say - I believe I've proven my point.   I am not effortlessly put together.  I am consistently in awe when I make it through the day looking like the sparkling bombshell that I am.  And yet I am surprisingly incredible at what I do for a living (and proud of it).  People pay me to be really put together and make flawless magic happen.  And I always do. 

Talk to me about your stories.  Are you one of those really put together people that I'm jealous of (Dove I'm looking at you!)? Tell me your secrets.  Because I'm convinced they pull you all aside and teach you special secrets when you're born and the rest of us are me.

Friends Forever ... Ish.

Growing up I didn't fit into any social circle.  I was an athlete, a weirdo, on Homecoming court, a comedian, a little bit of everything.  I pride myself on being able to get along with most groups of people.  But what I didn't learn until I grew up was that there's a distinct difference between being able to fit into any social setting and calling those people my friends.  It's critically important to understand that while you can be friendly with a lot of people, your friendship circle of your nearest and dearest are your people. 

A few years ago I was expressing my frustration about a close friend to another friend.  He told me something that changed my entire perspective on friendships.  He told me that I need to understand that friends fit into boxes.  You've got your ride or dies, your friends you party with, friends you work with, etc.  And as long as you understand the type of friend you're dealing with, you can prevent frustration through reasonable expectations for that friend type.  So if you're out with a friend who you only call to party with, you can't expect they're the friend that you can turn to in need, that's not their role in your life. 

As we get older, our needs from our friendships change.  And we change.  Our friends change.  The boxes those friends fit in change.  Pay attention to what your people show you.  The friend you used to consider one of your closest confidants may now just be an acquaintance.  Your go to party animal may now be someone you call when you're in crisis. 

The point is to understand people and relationships are ever evolving.  And that's ok. Once you understand what you need and where your people fit into those needs as well as who doesn't fit any longer, you're able to feel at peace with the evolution of relationships. 

 As someone who used to spend a lot of time trying to maintain every friendship I had, I can attest to how exhausting that was.  Having spent the last few years putting this new philosophy into practice, I can say that it's helped me to find peace with the process of losing friends, gaining new ones, and jumping back into old relationships.  I've lost friends I once considered family.  I've gained new friends I don't think I could live without.  And I've gotten back in touch with childhood best friends as if no time has passed.

I'm thankful that I have a core group of friends who have become family.  And those select few won't ever leave my life (seriously, I'll find you.) I know they're forever.  And I invest most of my time on those people.  But the other boxes are great to have as I evolve and they evolve.  At the end of the day, being able to understand that some people are meant to be in our lives for only a short time, is a huge skill.  Appreciate people while you have them, appreciate who they are and the role they play in your life.

You also need to have an understanding of what friendship box you fit into in people's lives.  Who are you to the people around you?  Be self aware, decide if being in the party box or the best friend box is what you're comfortable being in those relationships.  Just because you're considered a party friend to someone doesn't mean you have to stay in that box.  Take yourself out of the equation or step up and be a better friend, make your way to the BFF box.  In the same sentiment, just because you consider a friend part of a certain box doesn't mean that's where they want to be.  Just like you show them who you are with your actions, they show you what you mean to them, pay attention to that. 

Relationships are complicated.  They come with really big highs and really low lows.  The more you know who you are, and love who that is - the easier it is to stabilize your relationships and expectations with everyone else.  Because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have - the one that ultimately defines the success of every other relationship in your life, is your relationship with YOU. 

Dating in 2016 Part 2 - Expectations

By popular demand, reader feedback (You guys people are actually reading this), and the fact that I have so much to say - Dating in 2016 is going to be a series.  Part 2 is thanks to my good friend Steve and his office. Let's talk dating expectations. 

It's 2016.  We've gotten so lazy that you can now swipe right instead of making an actual booty call.  What a time to be alive!

Now I've changed this scenario somewhat because its my website and I'll do what I want.  Let's begin.  Suzy is 28, met Joe on Tinder and they've gone on 4 dates.  Sally is 45, met Bob on eHarmony and they've gone on 4 dates too.  Suzy and Sally have each been invited to Joe and Bob's homes for dinner.  Suzy goes into date 5 at Joe's assuming there is an expectation of a hookup.  Sally does not.  This prompted a much debated discussion in the office: What are the dating expectations today?  In a culture fueled by sex and blurred labels - what's the normal?

Being that I'm diligent in my research and lacking of a filter - I asked around.  I polled strangers (which was super awkward and equally delightful), I asked family, and I made my friends give me the dirtiest of details.  Here's what I not surprisingly discovered:

Scientific Findings (aka Proven fact because #Science)

• Younger generations (35 and below) have expectations of getting some a lot sooner than those say 40+
• Men tend to assume a home date equals getting some more than women but most people 35 and under say its a general assumption regardless of their gender.
• Most older individuals I spoke to think our generation has lost the art of romance.  They believe we don't take marriage seriously and we tend to look for the next best thing
• A good percentage of those I polled (again age 35 and younger) agree that by date three there's definite physical contact expected
• Of the older crowd I asked most had 5 or fewer lifetime partners and that there shouldn't be any expectations about physical contact at any time but should happen when a serious relationship is established after some time

Personally, I do think a lot of our generation and the next are living in a world of relationship expectations.  And a lot of those expectations are physical.  We like to live in a world of "when are we having sex" but refuse to define "what we are."  At the end of the day its whatever works for each person - but the more I hear about kids younger and younger involved sexually, the more I worry for my future kids.  We've gone from expecting formal dates with chivalry to just hoping the tinder date looks like their profile picture and won't kill us.  And the minute you ask someone about expectations, the assumption is physical.  It's not about expectations of relationships or dating or emotional anything, just sex.  Let me pose a few questions:

• What are some of your dating expectations and timelines?
• If a partner sets expectations of formal dates and old school chivalry - are you likely to consider her high maintenance (let's face it this isn't a man asking for this.)?
• How long are you willing to wait for physical contact outside of kissing?
• When do you consider yourself dating someone exclusively?

Would love some feedback!  Comment below or send me an email.  Part 3 may include your feedback...

AND - if you've got some good dating topics you want explored, please email me!  If I can make them awkward, funny or insightful, I'll use them!

Resources!

I've had a lot of really brave women reach out to me regarding my post yesterday.  Many of which have been victims of assault, rape, violence, sexism, and really everything in between.  It was irresponsible of me not to include resources to those who may have experienced some of the things I discussed.  Sadly being a woman today often includes struggling with self doubt, pain, and depression because of what we are subject to in this world. 

First and foremost, thank you to the women who have spoken up.  To even say something to one person is brave and I'm proud of you.  The more we talk about it, the more other people will feel uncomfortable and get a glimpse of the realness that is assault, rape, violence, sexism, everything.  Having been a victim myself of both violence and assault, I'm here if you should want someone to talk to.  Every story is different and I certainly cannot say I know how you feel, but I understand some of the feelings of being a victim.  Please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

Second, I encourage you to seek out professional help.  Talking to a therapist, calling women's resource centers, speaking to your loved ones so they can help find you good support - these are all ways to help you heal.  Below are some places I've researched that are available to you 24/7:

RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline): 1-800-656-4673.  This line is 24/7 and they're able to help locate local resources for you.  Their website also has a lot of information regarding policy, questions, and safety/prevention.

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.  Again, 24/7 and confidential. 

If you're having problems in the workplace and don't feel comfortable speaking to HR, there are resources and legal aid programs in your city with minimal to zero cost to you.  Research your local legal aid and often you can have a free initial consultation where they can help you create a plan.  Make sure you're documenting EVERYTHING as well. 

Please know you're not alone.  It's scary, its heartbreaking and often you feel hopeless.  Speak up.  You are not alone.  Say something to someone you trust, it helps relieve the burden and those who care about you can help you create a plan to heal. 

Lastly, email me at any time silva.ashley@gmail.com and I'm happy to help in any way.  I'll talk to you, help you find professional help, whatever you need. 

Don't ever give up.  You're worthy, you're brave, you are far from damaged.  You WILL get through this.

Girls just wanna have Fun...damental rights!

Growing up, I associated feminism with women who complained a lot.  Feminism was negative.  It was women who annoyingly shunned anything conventionally feminine.  I don't know where or how I developed this view.  I come from a family of strong, independent, fearless women.  The men in our family celebrate and encourage us. 

Today, I am openly, proudly - a feminist.  And no, this does not mean I hate men.  This means I believe in women as an equal class.  I believe we are deserving of equal pay and respect.  I believe we are more than our looks.  We are more than stereotypes and double standards.  We deserve change.  We deserve to not have a culture surrounded by blaming us for being raped.  I believe we should be asked about more than who we are dating or what we are wearing.  And I strongly believe that we should talk about these things until everyone feels as uncomfortable with what happens to us as we feel every. single. day.

So let's just get really uncomfortable.  Because I would love to share with you some of the situations I've encountered in work and in life. 

• A male executive once got frustrated with me and yelled in front of the entire floor "You're really bossy" simply for explaining something he wanted me to do was unethical
• At a work event a male executive took credit for a big deal I negotiated, in front of me, to other male executives he was hoping to impress
• I was once told to wear a low cut top because we would be meeting with military men at a meeting the following day
• I have been told by a boss that women are meant to be quiet, not loud and opinionated
• When I was sexually assaulted by a football player in college, I didn't press charges because I was too scared I would be shamed.  When I confided in a male friend, he blamed alcohol, not my attacker.
• I have been told I'm too much and if I want to find a husband, I should learn to express my opinions less
• When I tell people I've worked in professional sports the first question they ask is how many athletes I've slept with.
• I was once told by a male superior that I need to "brush off" any time I'm hit on at work because I should be flattered.
• I expressed to a male supervisor that I was feeling bullied and sexually harassed and his response was "I don't see that happening, but I'm part of the boys club so I guess that doesn't apply to me."
• I move about every 2 years, constantly in chase of my dreams - and yet the first thing people ask me when they haven't seen me in awhile is "Are you dating anyone?"
• One time - a drunk male executive asked myself and three other female employees "who we were fucking" at work
• A female coworker once told me if I used my looks more instead of my voice - I would get a lot farther with my career
• When I expressed my outrage at the Brock Turner case and his lack of punishment - no less than 5 men responded saying shouldn't the girl not have gotten so drunk?
• A male friend once told me that he would never date a rape victim because she is dirty
• In a meeting to brainstorm event ideas I was told to bring in dancers in bikinis and the tickets would sell themselves
• A male coworker told me I have big boobs why am I always covering them up at work?  I should show them more and people would listen to me more often.
• A male manager commented on hiring a recent employee "She's so hot, dumb as shit, but so hot, I had to hire her."
• An ex boyfriend told me it was cute that I ran Division One track.  A cute hobby I had.
• My first week of work I was told the owner of the company preferred women wear heels, so I needed to wear them as much as possible.
• I cannot begin to count how many times I've been called a bitch.  To my face, behind my back - simply for having a strong opinion and refusing to take crap from anyone.

Keep in mind - these are just a sample of the things I've seen, heard and experienced.  Things I can recite as I sit here and write this.  If I actually took the time to think back, there are a lot more I could talk about. 

To me - none of these are shocking.  To my friends, none of these are shocking.  The more I talk to my fierce lady friends, the more I learn I'm far from alone in my experiences.  And that gets me fired up. Forget the fact that women are your mothers, your sisters, your lovers, your friends, even YOU - women are human beings.  And human beings deserve better. 

Sure - you could be quiet about it.  You could choose not to get involved, but in my book, that makes you part of the problem.  And you could say that boys will be boys, but that's just ignorant.  Most of the men in my life are feminists too.  And you could say I'm just loud.  And you're right about that - but I am respectful, educated, and passionate - I'm not just loud. 

As a culture - we need to stop ignoring the things that happen around us and to us.  We need to stop qualifying behaviors.  I'm a woman of action.  I want solutions.  And let me be very clear - these solutions apply to men AND women.  We are equally responsible for this great burden. 

1. Start Young: Teach your children about equality.  Not just gender equality, equality of the human race.  Teach your children they are not better than anyone.  And that our differences should be celebrated.  Teach them to ask questions so that you're able to clear up confusion they may have about gender, race and class.  Teach your daughters they are strong, smart and kind.  They are beautiful because of who they are, not what they look like.  And teach your sons to respect women, to treat them as equals. 
2. Check yourself: Take a second to check where you're at and how you're treating the women around you and how you're talking about women.  We often get set in our ways and forget that we are a work in progress.  It's important to step back and say where am I at mentally, what are my views, how am I treating people.  Talk to your circle, ask them how you make them feel.  It's important to make sure that you aren't just who you think you are, that you really are a positive and evolving human. 
3. Speak Up: I left a job I loved because of an environment that was toxic.  I was treated as less than because I was a woman with an opinion.  I was told that if I learned to play the game, to accept the situation and to conform, I would be set in my situation.  But I'm not that person.  I respect myself and I respect women too much to be silent.  Did I change the world by speaking up?  Did I insight some big rebellion because I fought back?  Not even close.  But I know that I inspired others to get out.  And I will continue to speak up because if I don't, I'm allowing the world to tell me I'm not enough.  My one voice may not create a new way of life, but my one voice will affect others, and those others will speak up too.  And eventually, that's a movement.
4. Learn: Education is the solution to every problem.  The more you learn, the more informed your choices, words, and actions are.  Learn about feminism.  Learn about what it's like to be a woman today.  Talk to the women around you.  Not everyone has the same experiences.  Not every woman is the same.  Recognize that our differences as women are part of feminism.  It's part of saying I don't agree with you but I respect your right as an equal to live that way.  Read a book, watch the news, check out some legal text.  Be informed.  Be open minded.  Women are badass - if you need some examples, please ask me - I'm happy to provide you some!
5. Practice What You Preach: So now you're educated, informed, you're speaking up and you're committed to gender equality.  Put it into practice.  Be about that action boss.  Be one more voice for change and for equality.  It only takes one voice, one person to say you're worthy, I value you, you're equal - to change a life.  And that my friends, that's how me make this mission a movement.

So I'm a feminist.  I'm feminine.  I'm athletic.  I'm loud.  I'm fierce.  I'm girly.  I'm funny.  I'm a little weird.  I'm sparkles.  I'm whatever I want to be.  And being a feminist means having the right to be whatever I want to be, being given the same opportunities as a man, and it means that women are human beings. 

Feminists come in all shapes and sizes.  Feminists are entrepreneurs who travel the world with their husbands.  Feminists are moms who stay home and raise strong babies.  Feminists are stylish crafty committed to healthy lifestyle career women.  Feminists are quiet sweet hippies who radiate kindness.  Feminists are loud and proud lesbians who run legal offices. Feminists are men who commit to strong opinionated women because they value a woman who knows her worth.  Feminists are men who move across the country for their wives because she wants to follow her career dreams.  Feminists are male CEO's of companies who ask their wives for business advice.

The only requirement for being a feminist is to believe that women are people, men are people, and those people are equal.  What does feminism mean to you?  What do women mean to you?

Mind Games

Growing up as an athlete, I've never been comfortable with feelings.  I operate from a place of maintaining toughness, avoiding discussing emotions, and distracting myself from my problems.  I rarely if ever cry, I keep serious things close to the vest, and I never take time to consider if I'm mentally healthy. 

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression early in life.  I've taken some form of medication for as long as I can remember to help me combat those chemical imbalances.  Thankfully I grew out of the depression but my anxiety can range from mild to severe on a daily basis.  While these are both really common ailments in society, I've never openly talked about suffering from them. 

When I was in college, I was attacked at knife point.  I was 17 years old and in a cast with a broken foot and extremely vulnerable to my attacker.  The next day when I spoke to my Sprints Coach about what happened, his major concern was about my mental health.  This was the first time I had ever had someone talk to me about how I was feeling emotionally, not just how I was physically.  He suggested I meet with a psychologist on staff to just talk.  I stuck with the sessions for maybe a month.  But having someone I respected in my world of sports and competition speak to mental health so openly - opened my eyes even a small bit to the importance of mental health.  That is was okay to get help.

There's a stigma with mental health.  A mental illness is often correlated with a crazy person.  We are taught that to show emotion is weakness.  To say "I'm not okay" is a sign of someone who is less than.  It's embarrassing to admit fear.  To say, I'm sad.  So we internalize it.  We "stay tough."  The fact is 1 in 5 Americans suffers from some form of mental illness in a given year.  That can range from anxiety to depression to bipolar disorder.  60% of those people don't get help. 

In 2008 I started a new job that turned out to have an unhealthy unethical environment.  I lost my Gammie, with whom I was very close.  I finally decided to call it quits for good with an on again off again boyfriend.  I had a medical issue that took about 6 months to diagnose and resulted in surgery and later an infection.  Eventually I got to a point where I was not ok.  Now mind you I have an incredible support system.  My family and my friends are so supportive and so incredibly willing to go above and beyond to care for me.  But I still couldn't express how poorly I was coping.  Eventually, in order to help my case with what was happening at work, I stared going to a therapist. 

The extent of my discomfort with emotions was easily seen by the therapist I began working with.  I could barely open up to him about anything.  It took a full year of weekly appointments for me to fully trust him and talk about something other than work stress. But what I learned slowly was that to not talk about my problems, to pretend they don't exist, and to try and internalize everything is extremely dangerous. 

I've been in and out of therapy since 2008.  And I still struggle to deal with emotions.  Until very recently, some of my best friends had no idea some of the things I've dealt with in life.  I've never told them.  Close family members are just now learning about silent battles of years past.  But I'm starting to be open.  I'm starting to make a conscious effort to be stronger than the stigma.  Be stronger than the fear of being weak. To let people care for me as I care for them.

So what's my point?  I like to think I'm someone that at least a couple people respect.  And I think those people might be surprised that the bubbly, sparkly person that I am has ever battled depression and anxiety.  And those same people might think that the happy Ashley is fake because surely you can't have anxiety and be like me - but you're wrong.  I'm truly this ridiculously sparkly.  So my point is that its ok to speak up.  It's ok to say I'm not ok.  And having anxiety or depression or OCD or whatever you may have does not make you crazy.  It makes you human. 

I continue to struggle.  My anxiety causes me to be an incredibly in control person.  For me to write about this in a very public setting is a big step.  It's making a bigger commitment to be open about mental health.  Because I truly believe your mental health is just as important as your physical health.  And that's why I will continue to do everything I can; from therapy to yoga to glitter - to keep working on my mind as much as I work on my body. 

Make a point to talk to your humans.  Your circle of chosen unicorns.  Open up to them.  Talk about your feelings, the things you experience, and let your relationships flourish because of it.  Allow people to be there for you.  Don't pretend everything is amazing if it isn't.  Give your people a chance to support you back to amazing.

And if at any point you get to a place that you need more than a friend, please do not ever hesitate to call a professional.  Ask for help.  There is incredible strength in knowing you need more than a hug and a glass of wine.  It's a battle you should never have to fight alone.  You are loved and you can get better and I sincerely hope you know that you're stronger for seeking a source of change. 

Lastly, I encourage everyone to become more educated and comfortable with the term mental illness and what that encompasses.  I encourage you to show compassion.  I insist you pay attention to the people around you.  Stop telling people "it will get better" or "get over your anxiety" or refer to mental illness as crazy.  Be compassionate.  Be open minded.  Make your loved ones comfortable enough to come to you before it gets bad.  We all go through so much, we all handle it so differently.  Remember that everyone around you is fighting a battle you don't know about.  It's not a competition, let's work hard to ensure we all make it out and thrive.

#SparkleOn

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The NFL

The No Fun League.  Never has there been a more true description of the NFL.  Personally, I rarely pay attention to the NFL anymore.  A large reason is probably that my team has gone to shambles due to ineffective ownership - and part of that is because the league has taken a lot of the fun out of the game.  Here's why:

1. The NFL is inconsistent: Penalties, fines, suspensions, punishments - they highly vary for players and teams.  There are supposedly standards for everything and of course there is a sliding scale for severity - but it seems the more visible the player or the more visible the issue is in the media - the heavier punishment.  Sometimes there isn't a punishment until people speak up and the NFL say oh ok I guess we should do something, people are mad.
2. The NFL only cares about the NFL: Until fans, players, and the general public start to push back against the league for issue at the forefront (aka profits suffer), the league does nothing.  Take domestic violence; not until very recently has the NFL changed a policy that for years didn't take it seriously.  Concussions; only recently has the NFL invested in and taken concussions seriously.  And that's only because of the prevalence of suicide and neurological issues from past players in the media.
3. The NFL got rid of Celebrations: Sure, can celebrations be taken too far and become unsportsmanlike?  Yea, maybe.  But in 99% of cases, it's part of the fanfare of the game.  I love TD celebrations and seeing the excitement a big play gives a team.  Maybe I missed something, but this is just stupid.
4. Quarterbacks get preferential treatment: I'm all for protecting the safety of the QB, he's absolutely vulnerable.  But haven't we gone a little too far?  I miss the glory days where QB's were the baddest players out there because they had to focus on getting the play off and avoiding hits. 
5. There's probably only about 10 minutes of actual football in a game: Between media timeouts, stopping for penalties, and everything else that goes into putting a game on - there's little actual football anymore.  The momentum just isn't the same these days.  and now, with all the controversy and protests, there's even less football.  I want to hear about the game.  I want to listen to real breakdown of plays. 

Those are my Top 5.  There's about 100 other reasons I'm just not a fan of the NFL right now, but the more I talk about it, the more frustrated I get.  If you know me, you know I'm a football girl.  I've spent a lot of my career in the college football arena and been lucky enough to have some incredible NFL experiences (including some dating of a player or two, but alas, that's for another time).  But this season, I'm not a fan.  I'm taking my talents to college football and committing myself to supporting the passion that represents.  Sure, the NCAA has its own issues but I tend to feel pretty positively about them overall.  Football is truly the best sport out there and I hate to watch Roger Goodell and the NFL ruin it at the elite level.

What do you think?  Are you still a fan?  Talk to me.  It's painful, but together, we can support each other.

So are you dating anyone?

Every day I see a new engagement or pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  And I love being able to support my friends who are doing those things.  But I'd like to make one thing clear, the fact that I'm not doing all of those things right now does not make me "behind" in the race of life.  The fact that I have been working on my career and myself first, by no means is something I say as an excuse for being single.  I don't need to hear, "You'll find him someday..." or "Your time will come." I will.  Or I won't.  My time is NOW.  I know there's nothing wrong with me (I'm a catch, you're welcome), I know I put my career and myself first, and for me, I like that.  If the right guy comes along, perfect, but I'm not worrying about looking for him (he might be lost you know?).  I like where I'm at, where I'm headed, and most importantly, I really like myself.  But it took me a really long time to get to this point. 

Do I want the husband, 2.5 kids, the dog, and the house in suburbia?  Yes.  Would I eventually one day like to be able to stay home with my kids?  Yes.  Do I want that right now? Debatable.  Am I worried about being 30 and having a ticking clock? No.  Am I dating?  Absolutely.  But they haven't been the one.  When it's my time, when I'm ready, when I've checked off some of my other goals, I'll get there.  And it will be at the perfect time for ME.  

It's not about feminism, it's not about baggage, a phase, or making a statement.  It's about me.  And it's about making the most of this awesome experience so that I can be my best self before I take that leap to forever.  Instead of asking your friends "So are you dating anyone?" ask what's new.  Ask about their job and their family and their dreams.  Ask about their next trip, their latest achievement, ask how they're doing.  People are more than who we date. 

Birthday Babe

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!  EVERYBODY PANIC!  BUY ALL THE GIFTS!  THROW ALL THE GLITTER!

Tomorrow I'll be 31 years old!  What a journey these past 31 years have been!  Getting older is absolutely terrifying and amazing at the same time.  I spent a really long time unsure of who I was, constantly trying to be whatever perfect is, and I am so thankful that today I am finally loving the woman I have become. 

You could say I'm a late bloomer in that I took longer to choose a career path (I'm still holding out for Disney Princess), I spent years dating the wrong men (the last guy is the one who finally kicked the habit for me), and I hated my body instead of celebrating all the insane things its done for me (thank you track booty).  But here I am.  31 and I feel like my dreams are just starting to come true. 

Parenting 101

I don't have any children.  I'm not even very good at taking care of myself half the time.  In fact, I lit my apartment on fire earlier this year and wound up standing in the middle of the street, in the middle of Los Angeles, in my underwear.  Moving on - regardless of whether or not I have child rearing experience - I've got opinions. And I know I'm usually pretty shy - but I figured I should share those opinions. Because you know what?  If your kid is a tiny little asshole - it is my business. 

My parents raised me with one guiding rule in mind.  Don't be a jerk.  Sure, I was taught to focus on education, how to take care of my things, work hard, amongst a million other things - but the main focus in life has always been to be a good person.  Treat people with respect, be aware of those around me, and always lead with kindness.  Seems pretty simple.  Then why do I see so many kids today ignoring basic manners, speaking very out of turn, and in general acting like entitled little jerks. 

To this day if I question my mom in public, forget to hold a door open for someone, or am oblivious to those around me - I fear for my life.  I'm 30 and my mom will still come at me with the death glare.  You know what I'm talking about - the "I raised you better so you best try again" look.  Deadly.  Effective.  I'm unclear if this look magically comes to you when you give birth but it's simply unattainable by any other human being.  I actually think we could skip war if we just sent moms to Iraq to stare at terrorists. 

Back to my original point.  I get it - we are in the age of free spirits and whimsical expression - but you need to do that on your own time, in the comfort of your own dome made of mud and leaves.  When your children are in public - they're part of a larger community that doesn't revolve around them.  Their freedom to act out stops the minute you step outside your door.  

I ask you - teach your children the number one rule: Dont. Be. A. Jerk.  Teach them they can be independent little hippie children but that they must first understand they're a very small part of a larger ecosystem.  And in that ecosystem - we need to respect each other, lead with kindness, and quite frankly - mind our old fashioned manners.  Let's get specific about our manners:

1. Open doors.  If there is someone coming out of a door or is behind you about to enter a location - hold the door open.
2. Say excuse me.  if someone is in your way, if you need to move past, whatever the case - say excuse me POLITELY as you make your way past.
3. Calm the F down.  If your child is screaming, running around, throwing things, being disruptive in any way in the wrong setting - calm them down or leave.  They don't have the right to disrupt everyone.  Know the setting.  Teach them awareness. 
4. Please and thank you.  Your kids need to speak to others with respect.  Please and thank you go a really long way and need to be taught at a young age.

That's it.  I'm starting with four easy manners.  Of course there are more - but these are so important and not often taught as children grow up and venture into society. 

To those of you out there who I know are raising confident, respectful, and kind little nuggets - thank you for valuing what it means to reproduce in this world.  Kids aren't just part of life stages - they're our future - make sure you're teaching our future to be kind.