Older + Wiser(ish)

Contrary to what you would believe if you looked at me, I am in fact aging. In fact, I’m going to be 40 next year! And while that sounds absolutely wild, it’s also something I’m grateful for.

And yet, even I am not immune to what it’s like aging as a woman in the world. There’s so much pressure to stay hot, look young, be it all. Women are “old” while men are “in their prime.” I hate it. It makes absolutely no sense. But there are times in which I understand it and fear aging too.

My 30’s have been the absolute best years of my life. Truly, my 20’s were fun, but they were a shitshow. My 30’s are where I’ve done the most growing, learning and becoming my best self. I can only hope my 40’s will follow this pattern.

So how was women do we focus on the good parts of aging?

1. Do you: Plain and simple, do what makes you happy. Stop the noise of “I shouldn’t and I should” and do what brings you joy. Forget the trends, the diets, the cliche advice. Want to wear a mini skirt at 60? Rock it babe. Want to start a new career at 40? Get after it! Refuse to get work done ever? Age gracefully queen. There’s no rules. You’re the one who has to do this journey, don’t do it for anyone else.

2. Worry less about what others think of us: Ok, yea, this one is the hardest. But actively choosing to block the noise when others have opinions on how we look, what we do - is critical to aging. Because there will always be someone saying we look too something, are wearing something we shouldn’t, that we need Botox — the list goes on. So what. That’s a reflecting of them, not us.

3. Be an ally: I’m a girl’s girl. I’m going to compliment you in the streets, hype you up at work and give you the hard truth when you need it. Actively choose to lift up other women on their aging journey. Compliment strangers of all ages. Be patient and kind with older and younger folks at work alike. When another woman chooses to age differently than you, support her. Champion other women for choosing what works for them.

4. Create value for yourself outside of your physical appearance. As we get older, our bodies and looks change. There are going to be times we don’t love that. You have to find value in yourself outside of your physical body. I hope you find ways to love how beautiful you are at every age, but I hope first and foremost you remember the only person it matters you look good for is yourself and what that means to you. And that your looks are the least interesting thing about you.

5. Find gratitude: It truly is a gift to age. Especially in a world I’ve seen so many friends and family lose that privilege. Learn to be grateful you have the opportunity to age and experience all that comes with. So many don’t have that opportunity.

Aging is wild as hell. I feel like I was both 18 yesterday and 22 last week and that I’m still 24 now. It’s wild to be an age that I used to think was so far beyond my scope that surely I can’t be there yet. And I’ll struggle with that, but I’ll also find ways to live the rest of this life aging with joy.

I guess therapy works

It took me a few years to stick with therapy regularly and do the work. Because you can go to therapy, but not actually participate in a way that makes it effective. Or you’re with the wrong therapist. A whole lot of things have to align for therapy to stick and actually make you change. Including being in a place to invest in becoming better.

I’m not great with feelings. Because of trauma and being an athlete, I am the best at turning off my emotions and getting shit done. It’s both a skill and a problem.

But eventually, I became exhausted of my own bullshit. I was tired of not getting the most out of life and always feeling ‘meh’ or worse than meh. Or not being able to control my anxiety + PTSD.

I’ve slowly evolved, grown and become better for myself and others, but not in any meaningful way until the last year. But more and more, I’m finally having those moments they tell you about. Where you handle a situation better than old you would have. I’m less frazzled in situations that used to cripple me. My priorities are different. My inner circle is tight and I’m quicker to cut out people who don’t create peace in my nervous system.

I’m still not a crier. I don’t know if that will ever change. And I still struggle with opening up when I’m struggling, but I do open up. I do say “I’m having a hard time with my mental health.” And while that may seem small, for me, that’s night and day. I speak openly about my PTSD and triggers. If I need to remove myself from a situation, I do. I don’t apologize for that, I just express my needs and follow through. I no longer suffer to avoid speaking about it.

More often than not, when I have therapy, I learn something new about why I am the way I am or how I can become a better version of myself.

Therapy works. And not the trendy therapy words or workbooks or toxic way in which folks have weaponized mental health. Therapy works in a way that fundamentally changes who you are when you’re willing to go there.

Therapy is a lot of work. It’s really hard. If you’re doing it right, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But without it, I’m not sure where I’d be. So if you’re looking for a reason to make your life better, to learn to better cope, to have better relationships - to just get more goodness out of the world we spend so little time in - go to therapy. And do it right.

Don't Call it a Comeback

It’s been about a year and a half since I was active blogging. I’m a firm believer in hobbies only being worth it if they bring you joy. And for a while, blogging stopped bringing me joy.

But this season of life is calling me to write again, so here I am!

What have I been up to?

Well, I finally made it to Denver. I left Colorado in 2012 and since then have lived in AZ, CA, TX, CA again and now CO! I fell in love with Colorado and Denver specifically in 2012 and always wanted to find my way back. The stars never aligned until COVID, where I was able to make this dream happen. I’ve been here as a homeowner going on 3 years and that is the longest I’ve lived anywhere since 2010.

I’ve built a community here. I have a really solid friend group, a home in a location I love, a fully remote job in tech and Nash is still my sidekick through it all!

Work is no longer my entire personality. In 2021 and 2022 I went through yet another really awful work situation, dealt with everything that happened working at the Phoenix Suns, had some really terrible health issues and was extremely unwell. Mentally, physically I was at the worst place I think I’ve ever been in life.

I took 6 months to not work, to travel, to go through intense therapy and to be incredibly selfish with myself. And it forced me to look at who I am outside of work. I didn’t have work to lean on or define myself by. And it was the thing I needed to finally kick my value/self worth tie.

But more on that later.

I’m somehow more open and more private about my life than I’ve ever been. I keep a lot to myself but share the things I’m passionate about the world knowing. Mental health, human rights, safe workplaces - all things I’m very candid about. My personal relationships, future plans and the like, that’s for me and a chosen few to know about.

For now, I’m back on my blogging bullshit, and I hope you’ll stick around for the ride.

Women don't owe you shit.

The Me Too movement has been around for quite some time. It peaked again in 2015/2016 and yet here we are - women being told they gotta do more to prove the things that happen to us.

When a woman is raped, it’s always “what was she wearing” “was she leading him on” “Was she drinking”? When women are abused it’s always “why didn’t she say something” “why didn’t she leave”? The initial reaction is to doubt her, her story, her character - the first reaction is to tear her down.

It’s bullshit.

Women don’t owe you shit.

We don’t report because it’s often a waste of our time. It takes incredible bravery, time and energy to report what happens to us. And most of the time, it’s all for nothing and leaves us having to survive a second battle.

This has got to stop.

Men need to speak up more. Believe women more. Protect and stand for women more.

Other women also need to advocate for other women. Support other women. Show up for other women.

But again, this is on men to help change. If you’re in a position of power, you need to be standing up when you see injustice against women.

Is a woman being interrupted in your meeting? Flip it back over to her. If a woman confides in you about abuse or rape - believe her. Listen to her and get her help.

When your favorite sports teams let’s a domestic abuser play, speak up. When a friend makes a rape joke, tell him it’s not acceptable.

Do more. Stop being a passive ally and start being an actual ally. Stop sitting back and start being an active part of the solution.

Women don’t owe you shit. We do enough. We are enough. It’s time the men stepped up and did the work to support us. We are there for everyone else.

Speak Up.

In the last year, I’ve spent a lot of time speaking up for women. About 6 years ago, I worked in an incredibly toxic environment. I walked away broken and convinced that was the end of it. That’s just the way it was and I needed to move on.

Fast forward to about 5 years later where a story was published detailing everything that happened over a 15+ year history of that company. To hundreds of us. Things folks kept saying were unbelievable, disgusting and hard to process. And we lived it.

There were of course many who had awful things to say. They didn’t believe us, we weren’t “pretty” enough to be sexually harassed or that’s what we get for being women in sports. But for the most part, I received hundreds of messages of support.

This led me to keep speaking up. Openly. Regardless of being legally bound not to.

And again the feelings of anger around others not speaking up really frustrated me. Infuriated me even. Because that’s what happened when I was there. People stood by and watched the abuse happen.

And here they were now, asking me for advice and support as the truth was exposed.

If this time has taught me anything, it’s that my one not famous, not important voice means something. It can help affect change.

I feel empowered by the outcome of this situation.

I’m also really inspired by others who have chosen to speak up. Women who experienced a whole lot of racism, misogyny and assault and decided to be brave. And while women do not owe you shit, it is still so incredible to hear them yell.

The only way we make change is by speaking up. By refusing to sit back and take it.

In times of injustice. Speak up. Use your voice to affect change. Where there’s one, there’s more. Take the time to share your stories with others. Listen when they feel brave enough to share theirs with you. Be a resouce for support and for teaching women to demand better.

I am deeply invested in seeing women win. In thriving. I spoke up because I want no other woman to ever experience what I did.

Please, speak up.

New Year, Happy Me

2022 Recap: Fucking crushed it.

This last year, I have worked really hard to be my best self. Therapy, medication, using my voice, setting boundaries — ya girl been doing the most.

And it was a year I absoltuely crushed.

Sure, I spent 6 months unemployed, but I did so in style. I traveled, I spent time with the people who give me joy, and I decided to only do things that make me happy.

I started setting actual boundaries for the first time. Saying no, end of sentence. And I cut loose the folks that didn’t accept these boundaries.

I spoke up. Opened up about trauma and got vulnerable while fighting for better. I shared more with friends about my life and why I am the way I am. I kicked out friends who didn’t make me feel good.

And I waited for the right role for what I need right now.

2022 was dope. Sure, there were some hard times - a lot of them. My health hasn’t been great. Dating was a bit …interesting? Money was not as flush as I’d planned.

But when I think of this year, I smile.

So 2023? More of the same. I’m going to prioritize me, put more work in to be my healthiest mentally and hopefully figure out all this gestures wildly health stuff.

I’m going to travel more, smile more, be vulnerable more and put me first (and dog, obvi).

New Year doesn’t mean new me, it means focusing on me, period. It means just continuing the work and continuing the strive for better.

I don’t set NYE goals, I don’t do resolutions - I work everyday to get better. Regardless of the date.

For me, that’s winning.

What does the new year look like for you?

TW:Suicide

First and foremost, this is a piece on suicide. Please protect your mental health and if this will trigger you, don’t read it. Please also know there are resources available to you such as 9-8-8, the Suicide Hotline.

More and more, we are seeing some big names die by suicide. Each and every time I see the same disbelief. The “but they seemed so happy” — and it drives me insane.

Everyone with mental health (so, everyone) is succeptible to mental health episodes that can lead to suicide. Everyone.

Instead of being shocked each and every time, we need to start talking more openly about how people get here. We need to stop stigmatizing it and start providing real dialogue and support.

In that spirit, I want to talk about my own mental health struggle and the time I felt suicidal.

When I was in my early 20’s, I had the privilege of working at my alma mater. Specifically in Athletics. It was a dream to get into the space and work everyday at the place that I loved competing at and growing up in for four years. But the work environment was anything but wonderful.

It got to a point there was even a federal investigation (that my complaint was found to be valid) into a senior leader. I spent months having to talk to HR about everything I experienced, provided massive amounts of documentation and was gaslit the entire time. I was young, naive and scared.

Concurrently, I was dealing with very serious unresolved trauma that led me to surround myself with not the best friends, excessively drank and partied, and was dating someone who treated me absolutely awful.

I grew up not talking about my feelings. I was taught it could always be worse, so I shut up and dealt with it. That also meant I felt alone most times.

I suffered through it all at a time when I was already feeling really low about myself. The work stuff just added onto the “it’s you, you’re the problem and you have no value” mindset.

It all got to me. And I finally broke down. I opened up to someone close to me about feeling suicidal. Feeling like things wouldn’t get better and I didn’t have the enery to deal with it anymore.

Unfortunately that person didn’t respond well to my plea for help. They dismissed me. To be honest, I don’t know what stopped me from driving off that bridge. I truly don’t. But I’m really grateful I didn’t.

What I want you to understand is that I’m that person you’re all shocked is more than sunshine glitter and rainbows. I’m the one that gets told “you’re so happy!” “you’re pure light” “your life seems so amazing” — and yes, all of those things are true. But they are not the whole of my existence.

I have experienced more than my fair share of traumas. I could easily be one of the people you’re shocked took their own life. But I’m not.

Recently, a friend died by suicide in the very same way I had thought about doing so. And then seeing Twitch die by suicide — another seemingly happy all the time individual — it’s all triggered me. Not to do the same, but to speak up about my own experiences in hopes that someone reads this and feels seen and heard.

I haven’t had any suicidal ideations since. I work really hard in therapy, with medications, in doing the work to process my trauma. And it’s helped a lot. But not everyone is privileged to have access to these things and not everyone exists in a space where this is possible.

That’s also why I’m writing this. Because we have to help each other. Have the tough conversations. When you ask folks how they’re doing, make sure they actually answer you sincerely. Check in on everyone. Your strong friends, sensitive friends, everyone in between.

I know there’s a lot of animosity in this world and there are plenty of times to speak up, but whenever possible, choose to just be kind. I’m not talking when racist/homophobic/misogynistic shit happens — I’m talking when you get cut off driving, someone takes your place in line, someone is a little rude — let that shit go. Take a deep breath, and move on. Choose to lead with empathy and show up with forgiveness for these folks or just walk away.

You really never know what anyone is going through. I hope that you know someone like me who is sparkle obsessed, always laughing, frequently traveling, surrounded by good people, life loving person — struggles too. People like me can succumb to suicide too. And that doesn’t make me less than.

Lastly, use your resources. Medicine, therapy, meditation, fitness, healthy eating, friends, family, puppies — use whatever is available to you and whatever you have the energy to reach out for. Hotlines and hospitals —anything you need — use it without shame. Asking for help isn’t shameful, it’s the bravest thing you can ever and will ever do. You are worthy and I’m so grateful you are here.

Character Development

Growing up I developed a need to be a people pleaser. I worked hard not for myself, but because I felt it was the character I was supposed to play.

Top athlete. Good student. Beauty queen. I had to be the best at everything. I never considered if these things were important to me, I only cared that I succeeded at them and they made people approve of me.

That worked for me for a really long time. I was successful and had the approval of those around me.

But now that I’m in my late 30’s, those things aren’t what makes me happy. I don’t feel my value is based upon my bofy, beauty or what I achieve at work. They’re great things to have, but they don’t make me feel valueable.

They also haven’t been what makes me happy.

I value being a good person, laughet, good peoplel travel, feeling safe and supported and healthy. That’s it.

I will always work hard, I will always value being conventionally beautiful (hello, women of the world) and yea, it feels good to be a boss at work - but those things don’t equal automatic joy.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not feeling good enough, successful enough, attractive enough - but the common theme is that I don’t know what any of that means for me. I only know what those things mean from the standpoint of people who showed me the values of those things. My view on what equals success or where those things fit in my value set never came into account.

So that’s what I’m trying to learn. What matters to me, who I am indepedent of what others think I should be and how I want to develop moving forward.

I had always thought of myself as fiercely indepedenent and vocal - and I am - but I am also quick to pull myself back into line to meet the expectations of others. I have genuinely valued being liked over being true to myself.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

So at 37, I’m not entirely sure all of who I am. I am working hard weekly to figure it out. And while I have a lot of work to do, I’ve also done a lot of work.

I like this me. I like the version of me that doesn’t need to be the best. I like the version of me who steps away from people who gaslight me into feeling bad about being who I really am. I love the version of me who speaks up unapolagetically about the things that matter and sits with being called loud, bossy, bitchy and difficult. Who doesn’t backtrack and smooth the road. I love the me that demands better of myself and others. I love the me that I’m evolving into.

I know I’ll have setbacks, but for the very first time I genuinely feel like I’m not just saying I have grown, I truly am growing and learning to be the real me that’s authentic and flawed and quick to sit in a situation and figure out what I feel rather than what I should feel.

I hope if you’re struggling, you keep doing the work. Whether you’re 22, 32, 62 - there’s alwaus time to figure out who you are and prioritize your own joy. To succeed on your own terms. To find pride in your own existence because you’re true to your values and joy.

Playing a character is exhausting and note remotely fullfilling. Your authentic self is who you owe to the world. If not everyone likes that person — good — it means you’re doing something rignt. Keep going.

FunEmployment

In May I left a really toxic environment (at a wonderful company, wrong team). Instead of immediately focusing on my job search, I took a break. Now 6 months in I’ve learned a whole lot.

I can finally say that work doesn’t define me. It’s a great thing that can certainly fullfill me, but the real purpose of it is to pay bills and book flights.

I will always work hard, be type A and value having a reputation as someone who is one of tne best at what they do, but my work will no longer be my primary focus. It does not define me. In fact, it’s the least interesting thing about me.

That’s a HUGE shift for me. While I’ve worked to find balance, I’ve still very much allowed work to be 80% of who I am and where I spend my energy. It’s controlled my moods, controlled what I think about myself and truly been what I’m self concious about.

No more.

6 months of travel, therapy, not working — I’m a new sequin, and I love it.

It’s completely foreign to me to be at a “career low” and yet be the most confident, fullfilled and happy version of myself I’ve ever been. I am setting boundaries, living for the moment, speaking about my feelings, doing the work assigned at therapy and investing in people who make me feel wonderful while stepping away from those who don’t. I am genuinely so proud and happy of the woman that I am.

I know at the end of the day, I’ll find the next thing. I will bet on me every single time. And I won’t lie, it’s stressful looking for a job in a market full of layoffs and a looming recession. I am not an heiress (RUDE) so I’ll need a job soon. I have my breakdowns and stress about that. I’m human. But I will be ok. I will come out of this thriving.

In the meantime, I’m working really hard to keep the old me back and the new me forward. I’m focused on putting in the work on my growth and maturity and investing in experiences.

Funemployment for me has been an incredible time of work & play. I’ve left the country twice, traveled in our own country countless times and I’m taking time to build on who I am without work. It’s been a gift to truly force myself to be whole without a job - because I don’t have one!

I hope that when I do start work again, I remember this time and stay focused on the growth. I hope I keep this same main character energy and ensure work stays secondary.

Whatever comes next, this time has been a gift and an incredible opportunity to become a better me. And at the end of the day, that’s the goal. Be the best version of myself possible.

Going through it

TW: Suicide

For awhile there y’all, I was going through it.

Between dealing with the whole Suns gestures wildly STUFF, leaving a job I was really excited about after only a little over a year, and health issues - I had been feeling just punched down at every turn.

At the same time - I struggle with making sure I am aware of my privilige. Because truly it could be significanlty worse.

However - just because I’m privileged and realistically ok - I can still struggle. And that’s important to acknowledge.

Because I have been going through it.

Trauma coming up from years ago, being in the media, being a super active and healthy person and then not having those same capabilities, leaving a job I had been loving but that turned into a complete nightmare - all of that alone is a lot - together - whew.

The point is - life is hard, different degrees of hard sure - but hard. Take the time to say “ok I’m struggling.” And then get perspective and get help.

Therapy, mental health breaks - medication if you need it. USE IT ALL.

I think we are all going through it a bit right now and have been for going on 3 years. Having that awareness to say it out loud and get the help you need matters.

Nobody is asking you to sit in silence. And if you’re privileged, nobody is asking you to apologize for it, simply be aware of it.

I feel like I’ve been going through it on and off since the pandemic happened - much like we all have. It just took me a ridiculously long time to admit it.

But as we’ve seen lately, suicide is becoming much more prevalent. And that hurts my heart. So please, please speak up if you’re going through it.

Speak up, speak often and ask for help.

If you’re going through it, there’s help.

There’s safe spaces and resources available and people who want to be there.

If you’re going through it, it’s ok. You deserve to feel seen, heard and supported.