Women don't owe you shit.

The Me Too movement has been around for quite some time. It peaked again in 2015/2016 and yet here we are - women being told they gotta do more to prove the things that happen to us.

When a woman is raped, it’s always “what was she wearing” “was she leading him on” “Was she drinking”? When women are abused it’s always “why didn’t she say something” “why didn’t she leave”? The initial reaction is to doubt her, her story, her character - the first reaction is to tear her down.

It’s bullshit.

Women don’t owe you shit.

We don’t report because it’s often a waste of our time. It takes incredible bravery, time and energy to report what happens to us. And most of the time, it’s all for nothing and leaves us having to survive a second battle.

This has got to stop.

Men need to speak up more. Believe women more. Protect and stand for women more.

Other women also need to advocate for other women. Support other women. Show up for other women.

But again, this is on men to help change. If you’re in a position of power, you need to be standing up when you see injustice against women.

Is a woman being interrupted in your meeting? Flip it back over to her. If a woman confides in you about abuse or rape - believe her. Listen to her and get her help.

When your favorite sports teams let’s a domestic abuser play, speak up. When a friend makes a rape joke, tell him it’s not acceptable.

Do more. Stop being a passive ally and start being an actual ally. Stop sitting back and start being an active part of the solution.

Women don’t owe you shit. We do enough. We are enough. It’s time the men stepped up and did the work to support us. We are there for everyone else.

Speak Up.

In the last year, I’ve spent a lot of time speaking up for women. About 6 years ago, I worked in an incredibly toxic environment. I walked away broken and convinced that was the end of it. That’s just the way it was and I needed to move on.

Fast forward to about 5 years later where a story was published detailing everything that happened over a 15+ year history of that company. To hundreds of us. Things folks kept saying were unbelievable, disgusting and hard to process. And we lived it.

There were of course many who had awful things to say. They didn’t believe us, we weren’t “pretty” enough to be sexually harassed or that’s what we get for being women in sports. But for the most part, I received hundreds of messages of support.

This led me to keep speaking up. Openly. Regardless of being legally bound not to.

And again the feelings of anger around others not speaking up really frustrated me. Infuriated me even. Because that’s what happened when I was there. People stood by and watched the abuse happen.

And here they were now, asking me for advice and support as the truth was exposed.

If this time has taught me anything, it’s that my one not famous, not important voice means something. It can help affect change.

I feel empowered by the outcome of this situation.

I’m also really inspired by others who have chosen to speak up. Women who experienced a whole lot of racism, misogyny and assault and decided to be brave. And while women do not owe you shit, it is still so incredible to hear them yell.

The only way we make change is by speaking up. By refusing to sit back and take it.

In times of injustice. Speak up. Use your voice to affect change. Where there’s one, there’s more. Take the time to share your stories with others. Listen when they feel brave enough to share theirs with you. Be a resouce for support and for teaching women to demand better.

I am deeply invested in seeing women win. In thriving. I spoke up because I want no other woman to ever experience what I did.

Please, speak up.

New Year, Happy Me

2022 Recap: Fucking crushed it.

This last year, I have worked really hard to be my best self. Therapy, medication, using my voice, setting boundaries — ya girl been doing the most.

And it was a year I absoltuely crushed.

Sure, I spent 6 months unemployed, but I did so in style. I traveled, I spent time with the people who give me joy, and I decided to only do things that make me happy.

I started setting actual boundaries for the first time. Saying no, end of sentence. And I cut loose the folks that didn’t accept these boundaries.

I spoke up. Opened up about trauma and got vulnerable while fighting for better. I shared more with friends about my life and why I am the way I am. I kicked out friends who didn’t make me feel good.

And I waited for the right role for what I need right now.

2022 was dope. Sure, there were some hard times - a lot of them. My health hasn’t been great. Dating was a bit …interesting? Money was not as flush as I’d planned.

But when I think of this year, I smile.

So 2023? More of the same. I’m going to prioritize me, put more work in to be my healthiest mentally and hopefully figure out all this gestures wildly health stuff.

I’m going to travel more, smile more, be vulnerable more and put me first (and dog, obvi).

New Year doesn’t mean new me, it means focusing on me, period. It means just continuing the work and continuing the strive for better.

I don’t set NYE goals, I don’t do resolutions - I work everyday to get better. Regardless of the date.

For me, that’s winning.

What does the new year look like for you?

TW:Suicide

First and foremost, this is a piece on suicide. Please protect your mental health and if this will trigger you, don’t read it. Please also know there are resources available to you such as 9-8-8, the Suicide Hotline.

More and more, we are seeing some big names die by suicide. Each and every time I see the same disbelief. The “but they seemed so happy” — and it drives me insane.

Everyone with mental health (so, everyone) is succeptible to mental health episodes that can lead to suicide. Everyone.

Instead of being shocked each and every time, we need to start talking more openly about how people get here. We need to stop stigmatizing it and start providing real dialogue and support.

In that spirit, I want to talk about my own mental health struggle and the time I felt suicidal.

When I was in my early 20’s, I had the privilege of working at my alma mater. Specifically in Athletics. It was a dream to get into the space and work everyday at the place that I loved competing at and growing up in for four years. But the work environment was anything but wonderful.

It got to a point there was even a federal investigation (that my complaint was found to be valid) into a senior leader. I spent months having to talk to HR about everything I experienced, provided massive amounts of documentation and was gaslit the entire time. I was young, naive and scared.

Concurrently, I was dealing with very serious unresolved trauma that led me to surround myself with not the best friends, excessively drank and partied, and was dating someone who treated me absolutely awful.

I grew up not talking about my feelings. I was taught it could always be worse, so I shut up and dealt with it. That also meant I felt alone most times.

I suffered through it all at a time when I was already feeling really low about myself. The work stuff just added onto the “it’s you, you’re the problem and you have no value” mindset.

It all got to me. And I finally broke down. I opened up to someone close to me about feeling suicidal. Feeling like things wouldn’t get better and I didn’t have the enery to deal with it anymore.

Unfortunately that person didn’t respond well to my plea for help. They dismissed me. To be honest, I don’t know what stopped me from driving off that bridge. I truly don’t. But I’m really grateful I didn’t.

What I want you to understand is that I’m that person you’re all shocked is more than sunshine glitter and rainbows. I’m the one that gets told “you’re so happy!” “you’re pure light” “your life seems so amazing” — and yes, all of those things are true. But they are not the whole of my existence.

I have experienced more than my fair share of traumas. I could easily be one of the people you’re shocked took their own life. But I’m not.

Recently, a friend died by suicide in the very same way I had thought about doing so. And then seeing Twitch die by suicide — another seemingly happy all the time individual — it’s all triggered me. Not to do the same, but to speak up about my own experiences in hopes that someone reads this and feels seen and heard.

I haven’t had any suicidal ideations since. I work really hard in therapy, with medications, in doing the work to process my trauma. And it’s helped a lot. But not everyone is privileged to have access to these things and not everyone exists in a space where this is possible.

That’s also why I’m writing this. Because we have to help each other. Have the tough conversations. When you ask folks how they’re doing, make sure they actually answer you sincerely. Check in on everyone. Your strong friends, sensitive friends, everyone in between.

I know there’s a lot of animosity in this world and there are plenty of times to speak up, but whenever possible, choose to just be kind. I’m not talking when racist/homophobic/misogynistic shit happens — I’m talking when you get cut off driving, someone takes your place in line, someone is a little rude — let that shit go. Take a deep breath, and move on. Choose to lead with empathy and show up with forgiveness for these folks or just walk away.

You really never know what anyone is going through. I hope that you know someone like me who is sparkle obsessed, always laughing, frequently traveling, surrounded by good people, life loving person — struggles too. People like me can succumb to suicide too. And that doesn’t make me less than.

Lastly, use your resources. Medicine, therapy, meditation, fitness, healthy eating, friends, family, puppies — use whatever is available to you and whatever you have the energy to reach out for. Hotlines and hospitals —anything you need — use it without shame. Asking for help isn’t shameful, it’s the bravest thing you can ever and will ever do. You are worthy and I’m so grateful you are here.

Character Development

Growing up I developed a need to be a people pleaser. I worked hard not for myself, but because I felt it was the character I was supposed to play.

Top athlete. Good student. Beauty queen. I had to be the best at everything. I never considered if these things were important to me, I only cared that I succeeded at them and they made people approve of me.

That worked for me for a really long time. I was successful and had the approval of those around me.

But now that I’m in my late 30’s, those things aren’t what makes me happy. I don’t feel my value is based upon my bofy, beauty or what I achieve at work. They’re great things to have, but they don’t make me feel valueable.

They also haven’t been what makes me happy.

I value being a good person, laughet, good peoplel travel, feeling safe and supported and healthy. That’s it.

I will always work hard, I will always value being conventionally beautiful (hello, women of the world) and yea, it feels good to be a boss at work - but those things don’t equal automatic joy.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not feeling good enough, successful enough, attractive enough - but the common theme is that I don’t know what any of that means for me. I only know what those things mean from the standpoint of people who showed me the values of those things. My view on what equals success or where those things fit in my value set never came into account.

So that’s what I’m trying to learn. What matters to me, who I am indepedent of what others think I should be and how I want to develop moving forward.

I had always thought of myself as fiercely indepedenent and vocal - and I am - but I am also quick to pull myself back into line to meet the expectations of others. I have genuinely valued being liked over being true to myself.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

So at 37, I’m not entirely sure all of who I am. I am working hard weekly to figure it out. And while I have a lot of work to do, I’ve also done a lot of work.

I like this me. I like the version of me that doesn’t need to be the best. I like the version of me who steps away from people who gaslight me into feeling bad about being who I really am. I love the version of me who speaks up unapolagetically about the things that matter and sits with being called loud, bossy, bitchy and difficult. Who doesn’t backtrack and smooth the road. I love the me that demands better of myself and others. I love the me that I’m evolving into.

I know I’ll have setbacks, but for the very first time I genuinely feel like I’m not just saying I have grown, I truly am growing and learning to be the real me that’s authentic and flawed and quick to sit in a situation and figure out what I feel rather than what I should feel.

I hope if you’re struggling, you keep doing the work. Whether you’re 22, 32, 62 - there’s alwaus time to figure out who you are and prioritize your own joy. To succeed on your own terms. To find pride in your own existence because you’re true to your values and joy.

Playing a character is exhausting and note remotely fullfilling. Your authentic self is who you owe to the world. If not everyone likes that person — good — it means you’re doing something rignt. Keep going.

FunEmployment

In May I left a really toxic environment (at a wonderful company, wrong team). Instead of immediately focusing on my job search, I took a break. Now 6 months in I’ve learned a whole lot.

I can finally say that work doesn’t define me. It’s a great thing that can certainly fullfill me, but the real purpose of it is to pay bills and book flights.

I will always work hard, be type A and value having a reputation as someone who is one of tne best at what they do, but my work will no longer be my primary focus. It does not define me. In fact, it’s the least interesting thing about me.

That’s a HUGE shift for me. While I’ve worked to find balance, I’ve still very much allowed work to be 80% of who I am and where I spend my energy. It’s controlled my moods, controlled what I think about myself and truly been what I’m self concious about.

No more.

6 months of travel, therapy, not working — I’m a new sequin, and I love it.

It’s completely foreign to me to be at a “career low” and yet be the most confident, fullfilled and happy version of myself I’ve ever been. I am setting boundaries, living for the moment, speaking about my feelings, doing the work assigned at therapy and investing in people who make me feel wonderful while stepping away from those who don’t. I am genuinely so proud and happy of the woman that I am.

I know at the end of the day, I’ll find the next thing. I will bet on me every single time. And I won’t lie, it’s stressful looking for a job in a market full of layoffs and a looming recession. I am not an heiress (RUDE) so I’ll need a job soon. I have my breakdowns and stress about that. I’m human. But I will be ok. I will come out of this thriving.

In the meantime, I’m working really hard to keep the old me back and the new me forward. I’m focused on putting in the work on my growth and maturity and investing in experiences.

Funemployment for me has been an incredible time of work & play. I’ve left the country twice, traveled in our own country countless times and I’m taking time to build on who I am without work. It’s been a gift to truly force myself to be whole without a job - because I don’t have one!

I hope that when I do start work again, I remember this time and stay focused on the growth. I hope I keep this same main character energy and ensure work stays secondary.

Whatever comes next, this time has been a gift and an incredible opportunity to become a better me. And at the end of the day, that’s the goal. Be the best version of myself possible.

Going through it

TW: Suicide

For awhile there y’all, I was going through it.

Between dealing with the whole Suns gestures wildly STUFF, leaving a job I was really excited about after only a little over a year, and health issues - I had been feeling just punched down at every turn.

At the same time - I struggle with making sure I am aware of my privilige. Because truly it could be significanlty worse.

However - just because I’m privileged and realistically ok - I can still struggle. And that’s important to acknowledge.

Because I have been going through it.

Trauma coming up from years ago, being in the media, being a super active and healthy person and then not having those same capabilities, leaving a job I had been loving but that turned into a complete nightmare - all of that alone is a lot - together - whew.

The point is - life is hard, different degrees of hard sure - but hard. Take the time to say “ok I’m struggling.” And then get perspective and get help.

Therapy, mental health breaks - medication if you need it. USE IT ALL.

I think we are all going through it a bit right now and have been for going on 3 years. Having that awareness to say it out loud and get the help you need matters.

Nobody is asking you to sit in silence. And if you’re privileged, nobody is asking you to apologize for it, simply be aware of it.

I feel like I’ve been going through it on and off since the pandemic happened - much like we all have. It just took me a ridiculously long time to admit it.

But as we’ve seen lately, suicide is becoming much more prevalent. And that hurts my heart. So please, please speak up if you’re going through it.

Speak up, speak often and ask for help.

If you’re going through it, there’s help.

There’s safe spaces and resources available and people who want to be there.

If you’re going through it, it’s ok. You deserve to feel seen, heard and supported.

The Rules are Meant to be Broken

I have always followed the rules in life. Not the actual rules, but the ones that say get good grades, work hard, go to college, get the job, get promoted - and so forth. And you know where those riles got me? It got me injured, it got me stuck in horrific job environments, it got me challenging horrible bosses and quitting.

It got me sitting here at 36 wondering what was the point?

So I’m breaking the rules now.

I’m not searching for the next level. I’m searching for the next happy.

I’m saying yes to the last minute flights to Europe. I’m saying no to the really high paying offer that would make me miserable and force me to go back to working 24/7. I’m sitting on the couch and catching up on reality TV while I eat chips. And I’m setting boundaries at work instead of volunteering to stay up for 2 days straight to execute the perfect event.

I have decided that the rules are stupid and I’m tired of seeing people do less to get more.

So I’m creating my own rules.

Rule number one - live the life that makes me the happiest. That’s the priority.

Focus less on doing the most to achieve arbitrary milestones that I don’t think I ever cared about and spend more time on the things that spark joy.

If you’re like me and you’re been following the rules set forth when you were a wee sequin, take some time to step back and re-evaluate if those rules still apply.

Most often times you will find they do not.

So break them. And create your own rules for living. Starting with “be truly happy” at number one.

You got this.

Main Character

Growing up I always played a role. It was really easy for me to shift between star athlete, beaugty queen, class clown, book nerd — whatever the situation called for I was ready to step into that role.

The only role I’d never played was the main character in my own life.

It’s always been really important to be to be the best at everything. I needed to fulfil the expectations of those around me. From being really good at all the sports to being the prettiest, skinniest version I could be. To getting good grades and getting the promotion. Being the youngest to have a job to being the funniest in the friendship group.

Recently, my therapist asked me who I wanted to be. What was important to me?

And for probably the second time in my life, I didn’t have the words.

I’d never considered whether I was truly passionate about the things I was working tirelessly towards. I just did them to the best of my ability over and over again.

So she challenged me to start thinking about what I was doing for me, what I wanted my future to look like and to write it down.

I’m still really passionate about sports, I’m definitely invested in feeling good about how I look but I doin’t care about titles or climbing the ladder at work.

I’m really excited about excelling at things, but things that are important to me. Like being a good person, helping others and affecting change. I do want to be healthy and fit - but skinny isn’t something I strive for, I want to be athletic and strong. At work, I want to be paid well and respected - and then I want to be left alone because I care more about life outside the office.

I still struggle greatly with being the main character in my own story. I care a lot more than I thought about what others think about how I appear on the outside. And that’s going to take time to move past.

Having to shift from being conditioned to be the best at everything and meet certain life milestones - and then not meeting all of those milestones has been really really hard. Figuring out those milestones were never what I really wanted has been really really hard. I’ve spent so much time playing a charachter that I don’t know who I am all the time.

But it’s really important for me to figure that out.

It’s really important to me to spend the rest of my time in life playing the main character according to my own script.

I challenge you to really take the time to discover whay parts of you are YOU and which parts were written FOR you. And then work towards developing the parts that are authentically you.

Why does it matter?

Growing up, I was always praised when I won. From sports to school to how I looked, when I won, I was praised.

I remember vividly the high from that. And while it was filled with the best intentions, I realized it made me internalize mg value as those things.

I needed to be the best, the prettiest, the fittest - I needed to be number one at everything.

Now that I’m very not young, and gearing up to my late 30’s, I’ve been feeling a bit like a failure. I realized that I don’t have the “best” anymore.

And while I have changes who I am and what I value, when I go through hard times — I revert back to feeling like if I’m not those things — or perceived as those things — I feel like I’m nothing.

That perceived part is what I realized I focus on. It matters to me that I’m seen as the person that’s the best and has it all.

Even if I was struggling the most when I was that “have it all” person.

I currently am not the best athlete, not the fittest, not the CEO of anything. And I’m really happy.

Who I am now, without all the things I thought I was supposed to be — is the best me I could ask for.

I loved being good at sports. I loved being conventionally attractive. I loved all of it. But knowing that I don’t need those things to have value is pretty cool too.

I’m still an athlete, I’m still cute, I’m still smart. Im still successful. If I’m surely not the best anymore.

And recently, I was struggling with self worth. I started to get insecure about where I’m at and what others think of that.

I was chatting with my therapist about it and she positioned it to me as - folks might be judging, but why does it matter?

And I don’t have an answer. I know it’s rooted in being raised by praise when I achieved things. It developed into only thinking I had value if I was those things.

But why does it matter? What do I get from that approval?

I don’t have an answer.

And that is probably an answer in and of itself.

Why does it matter?

I’m happy, mostly healthy, fulfilled, and a lot of other magical things I don’t need to share because I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

I may have moments where my inner child feels like she’s failing, but I also mostly have these incredible realizations that I have more than I ever thought possible.

Why does anything else matter?