Career Corner: An Update

I guess it’s time for a little career corner update. I’ve been a Googler (shout out Cloud team!) for about three months now. Practically a seasoned veteran.

Bottom line - I’m happy and I’m thriving. Let’s break it down.

Can I hack it?

All of the intense fears I had about not being good enough are all but gone. Being new to the tech world was a really intimidating thing. I didn’t know the lingo, the products, the way things are done - and I still don’t. But the best thing I was ever told was that I’ll never know. Tech is ever evolving. By definition that’s its job! And that’s my favorite thing about being in this industry. I cannot learn everything. There will always be a new training I can take or a new product to research. I cannot ever be the smartest person in the room because of how large this field is. When I said I don’t ever want to be an expert in anything, I certainly hope I meant it because here I am living that truth.

Life Balance

I watched one TedTalk on Work/Life balance being a sham and here I am drinking the Kool Aid. I buy into the fact that sometimes all your marbles live in the work bin and sometimes they’re rolling around in your party pants. Thankfully, three months in I feel pretty good. The first two months were a lot of studying. A lot of shadowing. A slow ramp up. All things I hate. But all very necessary to being successful in my role. Then here we are in January which has been the wildest Fast and the Furious movie yet. But I’m in the thick of it and I’m able to contribute to the team. We are all learning about some cool new changes together. AND I’m not the new kid anymore! There are days I’m exhausted. Sure that affects my personal life - yet most days I feel a reasonable level of stress and the ability to do what I need to do personally.

That Google Culture

Listen, I wish this was the moment I was able to give you some big expose on Google. I know I’m still new so in a year I could be sitting here thinking wow was I wrong (if you’re a regular reader, you’re aware it wouldn’t be the first time) but right now, I’m here for the vibe. I’m treated like an adult, with respect, kindness, inclusiveness - I didn’t know this was all a thing at a company. Sure, I have moments I get irritated, I don’t positively love every human I meet - but when this organization says you will be respectful, it damn well means it. My schedule can be flexible. As long as I do my job, the rest, that’s for me to design. Period. They really mean it. And the perks, yea, they’re pretty nice. I’m here for the googliness, I have nothing negative to say and I’m sorry you don’t get the Access Hollywood scandal, but I just haven’t experienced it.

The Role

When I first started I wasn’t sure if this was the role I had dreamed of. I was in all transparency not 100% sure of everything it entailed. Fun fact, neither was the team! It’s been an evolving ever changing role with a growing department. For me that’s not a new position to be in. It doesn’t bother me like it might someone who craves structure. I think it leads to a lot of really exciting possibilities and areas for me to grow. I’m also appreciated for the talents and experience I have. I’m encouraged to use those things to make the team stronger. I honestly don’t know what my dream role is anymore. But I know I’m happy, challenged, and I don’t dread coming to work. That’s more than enough for me.

To sum it all up - I feel like I’m balanced. Weird way to describe a new job but it’s all I’ve ever dreamed of. I’ve existed in roles I hate or companies I hate or surrounded by people I don’t respect and there’s never been just a balance of feeling calm and even and normal. I don’t have the intense Sunday scaries. I’m not looking at how I can get out of work. I’ll still always prefer to be traveling the world, but if I have to work until I win the lottery/marry rich - this gig will do.

Stay tuned…the adventure is sure to twist and turn and bob and weave and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

As always, thank you for your support and know that your best adventure is out there if you’re willing to chase it!

All that glitters.

Is me. I am all that glitters. And I am solid gold.

I think the coolest thing about human beings is what makes them memorable. We all have quirks and characteristics that take us forever to own but that endear us to others immediately.

My whole life I have been a 12 on the energy scale. I defined extra before it became a worldwide meme sensation. I have been loud, bubbly, sparkly - since I can remember. Growing up there were plenty of times I tried to redefine myself.

I wanted to be the smart one. The serious athlete. The girly girl. The quiet mysterious type. Turns out, my inner ray of sunshine cannot stay cooped up long enough for me to be anything but a glitter cannon. At 33, I’m here to own that.

What does that mean? I talk too much, I want to be friends with everyone, word vomit is an everyday ailment. I’m a morning person, a night person, and I’m going to ask you 382 questions in between. I can’t stop smiling. If I’m not the host of the party, I will quickly become the life of it.

It also means I have high highs and low lows. I’ll spend the majority of my time surrounded by people and then crash. I don’t like to talk about myself. I’m often mistaken for dumb, flighty, surface level. I’ve been told more than once that I am a lot to handle. People either love me or hate me. There is no - “she’s okay.”

That’s a really large weight to carry.

I think a lot of people have figured out the art of blending into this world. I tried it and I have never failed more miserably at anything in my entire life. I cannot blend makeup, I cannot blend life. I’m a disco ball hanging from a ceiling full of fluorescent lights. Forever ready to sparkle and shine and bring the magic.

Instead of continuing to try to be more serious, quiet my voice, grow out of the glitter - I’m dripping in it. What I’ve learned is, it’s not on me to explain myself to anyone. I don’t have to provide a manual to understanding me. You get it or you don’t. You like me or you don’t.

There are so many things the world is telling us to be right now. Social media alone will tell you what it takes to be someone - the looks, the jobs, the lifestyle - it’s all right there, a guide to being “it.” A lot of the struggles of millenials and those growing up in the world come from existing in a place that puts your whole life in the spotlight. Kids and adults alike are struggling to fit in and also to remain true to what they feel and who they are.

Quite honestly, I’m not sure how well I would have been able to cope as a teenager in a world where my entire social life lives on the internet. It took me a good 30 years to accept my truth and the only social media struggles I experienced were who I upset over my MySpace top 8. There were no snapchat nudes. Nobody was screenshotting my text messages. If you couldn’t get me on aim or the house line, that was it. See ya at school tomorrow bud.

It’s really easy to lose your sparkle - or what makes you uniquely you - in a world that’s constantly surrounding you with ways to be anything but. I still have moments I struggle. Where I think I should look/be/feel/act a certain way. And it can all be solved by reconnecting with who I am at my core.

For me, reconnecting means three things:

1. Logging off the internet: All of it. No socials. No surfing online. Phone down. Laptop off. Tablet in its case.

2. Getting Outside: I love being outside. It reminds me how much there is to explore, how small I am, and how beautiful the world is. I go walking, running, on a hike or simply sit on a beach/deck/mountainside. Whatever I can do, I go outside and get some air.

3. Talk to my people: I allow very few people to be close to me. So when I do, its because they’re people I trust and know truly love me for me. We believe that without each other, life wouldn’t be as full. Those are the people I turn to. I am open about how I’m feeling and they spring to action. We talk about anything and everything and they’re the first people to say let’s go do something that makes you happy.

It can often be difficult to maintain that constant confidence in who you are, where you’re at, what you look like - it’s a lot of stuff to keep at center. Don’t expect that 100% of the time everything will align. Do know when you’re having a tough time seeing most of the good and reconnect with the things that get you back on track.

I am all that glitters. And everything that entails. And everything positive and negative people think about that. But the coolest thing about being sparkly, is that at my very core, you can’t dim that shine. It’s always there. It’s who I am. There’s a reason I was chosen to be made of sugar and spice and everything 2010 MAC glitter pigment line. I’m here to keep life on its toes. Glitter never goes away.

You’re here for a very wonderful reason too. Don’t forget that. Don’t hide it. Reconnect with it and show the world what you’re made of.

Ownership

It’s the beginning of the year, the holiday season is over, and it’s me - so I’m going to reflect! I talk a lot of past relationships and dating, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about me as a partner in the past. Buckle up kids - this is gonna be good.

Growing up, I was really insecure. I’ve been told I came off really confident, so props to me for that fake out when I was constantly unsure of who I was.  

Spoiler alert, when you don’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be successful in loving others.  

I was a really bad girlfriend in high school. I was jealous, played games, and was overall unfair. Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I laugh at what a lunatic I was. Ok I get it, in high school nobody knows what they are doing. We all think we are going to marry that person and ride off into the sunset. You can’t tell us anything different because you just haven’t loved anyone like we have. Pause for dramatic storm out.  

Thankfully I grew up. And I found a way to love myself. It’s taken awhile. And it’s not always been pretty. I have pushed people away, been a jerk, but I’ve also been a pretty decent catch.  

What I’ve figured out along the way is that at times when I’m not feeling my best self, my relationship doesn’t go well either. I’m a bad girlfriend because I’m being a bad partner to myself first. 

That’s deep right? Thought of it myself, thanks so much.  

 We spend a lot of time talking about those who did us wrong. Who were bad partners. There are so many fire memes about exes. But do we look at who we were in relationships?

Now if your mate was abusive or an overall POS, this isn’t where you try and look at where you went wrong in the relationship. Forget those people, that wasn’t you. That was them. Love you, mean it.

But chances are in at least one relationship, you might haven’t been the best either. Were you in a bad place? Unwilling to compromise? Unable to communicate? Unfaithful? It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a catch.

Take the time to evaluate who you are in your relationships. The more self aware you are, the stronger you will be as a partner in the future. And when you are aware, you’re more in tune with what you’re looking for in a relationship. End result? You have more successful relationships.

Think about it. How often do you see your friends in bad relationships because they’re unsure of who they are, unaware of the bad partner they’ve been, and unwilling to admit to any of those things? I can think of at least three friends without missing a beat who I know will not have successful relationships until they confront the partner they  are.

I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been too busy, too insecure, too set in my ways. Knowing that now, reflecting on why I was that way, helps me to be a better person and partner now. It also has turned into me making better choices about who I date. When you love yourself and know how you deserve to be treated, you don’t settle for anything less.

Reflecting on painful breakups and relationships that caused you distress is not easy. It’s generally the past we prefer to bury away forever. I encourage you to drag it out anyways. Get really uncomfortable with your dark and stormy so that you can experience your bright and shiny.

Another Statistic

70% of Americans experience some sort of traumatic event in their lives. About 20% of those people develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Women are twice as likely to develop PTSD than men.

I’ve had PTSD brought up in therapy a number of times. I’ve always dismissed it.

In my mind PTSD belongs to soldiers. People who have experienced that level of trauma.

Recently my therapist sat down and spent time breaking down how PTSD is diagnosed in the mental health world. Very simply, its broken down into four quadrants with characteristics in each that ramp up to the overall category. They deal with things like sleep, nightmares, fears, among other things. To be diagnosed you can have as little as I believe two characteristics in any one quadrant (many are linked so its common to have one from multiple areas). I embody characteristics from every category. Multiple characteristics in fact.

All of that to be said, I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD.

And that makes me feel wildly insecure, a fraud, afraid - and also relieved.

I am insecure because while anxiety is a generalized common thing, its trendy. It’s been more normalized in the world. People talk about it openly. Companies have health care that allows you to manage it. PTSD is talked about rarely and often associated with the military. It’s a heavy weight mental struggle that to me says “I’m a little bit broken.”

I feel like a fraud for that very reason - men and women fight in war, they see death. Thy leave their families for extended periods of time and see the absolute worst humanity has to offer. How dare I claim to have something they suffer from? Who am I to say I have PTSD too when you literally put your life on the line.

I’m terrified because PTSD seems so much more serious and complicated than anxiety. It feels like a physical burden I am carrying around. I also hear horror stories about people who become seriously depressed - even suicidal as a result of PTSD. I don’t want that to ever be something I experience.

Lastly, I am relieved. To have someone show you everything you feel and give you an explanation for it lifts a huge burden from your everyday struggles. I’ve always known that my anxiety and tendencies aren’t easily wrapped up as an anxious person. The quirks I have, the way I am, it hasn’t felt explained by simply being labeled as generalized anxiety. Having a researched and very real diagnosis is something that gives me a way to move forward. I know what’s wrong and better yet, there are ways to not only cope, but thrive.

To be entirely honest - I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this diagnosis. The insecurities in me are screaming at me not to. Surely I’ll be judged, called crazy, considered far too damaged. While intellectually I know that isn't true, I’m human, I just want to be normal.

I’m just not sure what’s normal. I can’t be the only person who fits into this category. I’m probably not the only person who feels afraid of what it means. I can’t just be another statistic.

All of this sounds very depressing quite frankly. Its not meant to be. Because what I want you to get out of this is I am excited. I am happy. I am free. There’s a new world opened up to me that allows me to heal.

I believe that in telling my stories rooted in mental health, I have the ability to affect others. to show that mental illness doesn’t look any one way. It exists in the people who are the sparkliest most bubbly human beings on the planet. And that part of me is truly authentic. But this other side exists too. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

I may be a statistic, but I am also human. I’m a businesswoman, a friend, a lover, an athlete, a fierce feminist, I’m everything. I’m a statistic in the best possible way because I’m proving that you are so much more than what the world labels you as.

I hope that as I continue to share my journey with you, you’ll find it helpful and you’ll be a safe space. And I hope that I’m able to be a safe space for you too.

Career Corner: The Favor

In our professional lives we are going to have to call in a favor or two. Over years of building connections and relationships, the more opportunity you have to have people to reach out to. But there is a decorum to the whole thing. 

I rarely call in favors. I am of the camp that believes my hard work, reputation, and respect for others is what should carry me throughout this world. However, I also recognize that it’s who you know a lot of the time.  Pretty much most of the time. 

 And still, I won’t call in a favor unless the person meets the criteria I deem necessary to utilize the connection. They have to be someone I have more than a passing relationship with, they have to have the opportunity to know either my ethics or my work product, and I can’t have asked them for a favor in recent. 

Basically, be cool. Don’t overstep your bounds, and have respect for others. Everyone is busy, everyone needs something, and if you’re like me, you’re not willing to put your name behind just anyone who asks. 

Ive worked in roles and for companies that are pretty cool. With that comes people who want in on the action. I understand and have respect for the fact that I’ve gotten advice and help along the way and always try to offer help where I can. However, if you don’t respect my efforts, I am very quick to terminate that effort for good.

For example: LinkedIn is a really awesome networking tool. It’s a great way to stay on top of connections and the journeys they are on.  

I often get messages from people looking for me to connect them to someone, pass their resume through to a recruiter, or advice in a certain industry. And that’s a really good use of LinkedIn - if you do so respectfully and appropriately.  

I get a fair amount of those messages, and I’m a nobody when it comes down to it. But I try to take the time to respond to the honest messages because it’s polite to do so. If you’ve asked me a favor, and I’m not comfortable filling it, you owe me a response to say I appreciate you being respectful and I understand. If you ignore the time I took to respond to your innaprorpiate request, especially if I’ve offered to assist later down the road, you have lost the opportunity to have my help. If you continuously send me messages, assume I’m going to just “get you a job” - I won’t be helping you. 

 The point I’m hoping you’re picking up is that if you go into a relationship or request purely to get what you want, that’s not going to bring you success. It’s something people carry. You’ve got to provide a level of give to the take if you expect to maintain a long lasting connection. Be a genuinely curious person who wants to learn. 

Utilize your contacts because often times that truly is your only in. But be aware of the take and be sure to give back. Even if you don’t think you have anything to offer, you can offer kindness and appreciation. You can give back to those coming up behind you. 

Additionally, sometimes we only have an “in” with someone we may not have talked to in a long time, know very well, etc etc. It’s ok to reach out to that person but be honest with yourself and that person about what you’re asking and what you’re looking to get as a result. If I’m reaching out to someone who fits this description, I will often explain that I’m very interested in a role I know I’m qualified for but don’t have an in. While it may be innapropriate to ask for them to throw my name in the ring, it may be appropriate to say do you have any advice for how to get my resume noticed or someone I could talk to that may be able to give advice. Be realistic. Be respectful. 

Look everyone is trying to get somewhere. And we all need someone to help us. Whether we like it or not, we are going to have to make an ask at some point. If you want that ask to be successful, make sure to at bare minimum think about how you would feel if the same ask came to you.  

New Year, Same Sparkle - Same Title

Like I’d waste a perfectly reusable blog title. Might be a new year, but I’m still bringing the same sparkle. Still don’t believe in New Years resolutions. Still don’t set any new year goals.  

A few months back I did start this whole year of yes business, but as a self proclaimed control freak, I’m making it a year of maybe.  

Sounds kind of lazy right?  For someone who says no a lot, it’s a big step. 

Most of the time, I’ve got this whole plan and I don’t like to deter from the plan.  

And then I took my new job, which was certainly not part of the plan.  So far, it’s turned out pretty damn good. 

Its encouraged me to say yes more - or at least a strong maybe.  

Online dating? Went on a date or 5. Wild NYE night with a fancy table and the sequin dress? See ya there SF! Volunteer for the extra project at work? Halfsies.  

Heres the thing - I don’t really think you can do it all and be it all. But I think you can dip your toe outside the comfort zone and test things out.  

Best pro tip? You don’t have to wait for the new year to do so. WILD AINT IT? 

If you’re like me and sort of into living a bit in control and responsibly - and not financially able to just say fuck it all and move to Europe, get you on the year of maybe. 

Not ready to travel solo? Cool, do a big international trip with a friend. Not looking to eat a live cricket? Try sushi. Wanted to shave your head but it’s not 2007 and you’re not Britney? Get a bob.  

 There’s lots of in between activities that are liberating and give you growth without doing the full move to Bali and open a yoga retreat. It doesn’t even have to be a year of anything. Try a month. Try a week. Try whatever makes you feel a little liberated without scaring you into complete paralyzing fear. 

The one time I thought I could say yolo, year of yes, get over my fear - I ended up jumping into the open ocean and directly on top of a shark. Sure, nobody died but at no point did that encourage me to year of yes the rest of my life. It got me to say year of maybe but let me check the water first. 

I’m also 33, so I’d like to live this whole maybe lifestyle in large part because I want to live dangerously while still having a divsersified retirement portfolio. Like hell yea let’s go on that trip but hell no I’m not paying that last minute flight rate. 

Every year is a new opportunity to be you. Or so they say. For me, every moment is a new opportunity to grow. And every New Year’s Eve? That’s just another opportunity to sparkle brighter than the year of last.  

Happy New Year Sequins. I hope your night is everything you ever dreamed of xo

Keeping up with the Kardashians

It’s basically 2019 and in this generation, we don’t try to keep up with the Jones’ - we’ve got to try and Keep up with the Kardashian’s.

And that’s like keeping up with the Jones’ on steroids. 

It’s weird that while we are a generation of preservation, minimalism, and simplicity - we are also the generation of having it all and more.  

You’ve got to be sexually appealing, wealthy, have a strong social media following, workout all the time, eat healthy, have the right friends - you have to be it all, effortlessly.  

That seems really exhausting and ridiculous. And yet as someone who prides herself on not worrying about all that, I admit I’ve felt that pressure too. To do more, have more, Be more. 

So how do you combat that lifestyle when it’s in front of us every single day? You gain perspective. 

If I sit down and really list out my goals and what makes me happy - the majority of the have it alls aren’t on that list. I have no desire to be famous. I’m not looking to eat healthy all the time or religiously spend hours in the gym. I don’t want to look perfect, I want to look like me. Having 48 jobs isn’t how I want to spend my time. 

Realistically I’m sure the Kardashian’s still have a pretty awesome life. I’ll probably miss out on some of the finer things because I’m not willing to compromise and hustle like they are. Truly whatever you think of them, they’ve built an empire. I don’t want to give up my privacy. I enjoy the time I have lounging around with crumbs and ripped sweat pants.  I couldn’t do what they have done. And I don’t want to.

Its not just the Kardashian’s we’ve got to aspire to be. We’ve got the rap stars, the athletes, the socialites. We’ve got the reality tv nobodies who became somebody by putting it all out there for a quick buck and a following on IG. Everyone is out there working for something.  

For most of us though, we won’t ever have that life. Quick update for you - that’s really normal. The life these folks lead is not something we will ever have. Chances are the people around you that you’re trying to impress are in the same boat as you are.  

We all are saving for something, trying to pay off debt, send those bills out on time.  

Know that. Talk about that. Find no shame in that. Everyone is trying to survive and thrive.  

The harder you try to keep up with the kardashians, the more behind you’ll find yourself. 

Take a moment to evaluate what you want and where your values lie. Understand that even the people who “have it all” lack something. It truly isn’t possible to have it all, all of the time. But it is possible to live a pretty awesome life if you acknowledge that and focus on the good things you do have. And stick to the things you want. Not that society says you should want. 

It ain’t about Keeping up with the Kardashians, it’s about keeping up with your best version of yourself.  

All the things.

I’m a big fan of things. I genuinely try the live simple lifestyle but in all reality, I like my things. 

For the past two months, I’ve lived in corporate housing. I put all my things in storage and have lived out of two suitcases for 60 days.  

When I started this journey, I was convinced I’d Immediately realize how much I don’t need and finally embrace minimalism. I’d become super enlightened and learn to make 182 outfits out of a white t shirt and jeans. I’d grow to wear simple staple jewelry and two pairs of shoes and just be endlessly chic.

That is not what happened. I am not chic. I do however thrive off wearing the same version of an outfit over and over. That is my lane. 

Fashion aside though - there’s a darkness’s to this all. 

Hard truth? I miss my stuff.  

While it has been pretty easy to get by with minimal outfits and shoe selections, I miss my photos, kitchen goods, bedding, the whole damn kit and kaboodle. 

Oddly, it makes me feel more thankful for the things that are mine. Not the stuff that clutters up my space, but the things that remind me of all the experiences and people who make me whole.

From the photos I print of all the places I’ve been to the plates that were my parents first set they ever owned - I like having things that make me feel at home. 

I will never be able to exist as that woman you read about who has a rug, a vintage couch and a Levi jacket from 1984 and just is happy and whimsical. I can’t live off 3 things.  

Things aren’t all bad. Things are to be held onto very tightly when they are the right things. 

I’d say continue to strive for minimalism, but in a new way. Minimize the clutter. But maximize the things in your life that give you joy. It’s not about having all the things, just all the things that make you feel something special.  

Cut yourself a break if you’re like me and minimalism just isn’t going to be an all in commitment.  

This Christmas, I hope Santa brings you all kinds of goodies. And I hope that while you enjoy some of the things that are superficial, I hope that you remember the things that aren’t. 

To have your cake and eat it too.

I hate online dating. Hate it. I think it’s weird. It’s awkward. It’s wild that a large portion of people are legitimately out there looking to get some ass and use an app to solicit that. I’m judgmental as hell about it. For 1,000 other reasons we don’t have time to discuss because I’d like to get back to my topic.

Oddly the few times I’ve gone on an app like Bumble or Hinge (didn’t even know what this was until 20 minutes ago), I’ve connected with some men who have become friends of mine. Which is kind of weirder but also kind of cool becuse they’re people who have become important to me. 

I just moved to a new city. The Bay Area. And so as I do whenever I move cities - I get on the dating apps because at the bare minimum Im probably going to make a friend! 

And that’s where I quickly became educated on a new dating trend - ethical non monogamy. If this isn’t new to you, I’m not surprised. I’m generally behind the trends by at least 3-68 years. 

Ethical non monogamy is exactly as it sounds. It’s practicing having more than one romantic relationship but in a respectful way that allows all parties to be informed and respected throughout the process. 

Or as I like to call it - having your cake and eating it too. Look, I get it, it’s supposed to create a way for people to continue to have some sort of relationship with multiple partners and do it in an open and safe environment. When I was 22 we called this dating around. 

You cannot convince me that it’s anything but being unwilling to commit yourself to one partner. I feel like it’s a tricky ass way to avoid telling someone “I’m not ready to give up the other people but I also don’t want to stop seeing/dating/having sex with you.” Cool?

I’m here for open relationships and dating around if that’s what you’d like to do. But don’t try to make some progressive movement out of it. I’m onto you 35 year old marina frat child who doesn’t want to give up the “good life.” You’re out here with some witchcraft term that attempts to trick me into thinking you’re being overly respectful to me when really you just want to bone my roommate too (jokes on you I don’t have a roommate). 

Dating in 2018 is already hard enough. Don’t make it worse by attempting to class up the hookup culture. Listen up you little whatever generation comes after millennial - I invented “just talking” and you cannot fool me. College was a really awesome time for me too Calvin from Connecticut, but I grew the fuck up and moved on. 

And when I was 23, fresh off the coed circuit and wasn’t ready to commit, I said so. I didn’t break out the sparkling rosé and attempt to create a social movement by conning you into some Ethical Non Monogamy. I ghosted you and hooked up with your roommate like the immature asshole that I was. Really sorry about that btw. Honestly, 2008 Ashley was a bit much even by her own standards. 

I’m here for the millennial movement towards being in tune with the social, environmental, and political issues greatly affecting the world. I am applauding us for bringing mental health issues to the spotlight. I’m down to recycle and eat less meat. But I am not - I repeat AM NOT - here for the shady ass dating game y’all are trying to call evolved. 

The only evolving this little moment has is the spreading of STD’s across the Bay Area and I am not here for that either. Ok that was a bit dramatic but also don’t read the stats promise? It’s not good.  

Back to online dating. If you want to get some from the hottie on Hinge, let her know. Nobody is buying your 2AM message about respectful open relationships. We had a march, we started a hashtag, we sent a whole bunch of men folk to jail - we are not playing with your late night sorcery. 

The only thing I want to be ethically non monogamous with is the shoe collection in my closet. And I’m gonna be real about it. I don’t love you. I want to see other people. Preferably in a size 8 on clearance at Nordstrom Rack.  

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.  

Mansplain Campaign

A few weeks back, I posted some photos on IG of me in my 20’s where I made a funny comment about drinking and falling down. I’m very open about enjoying my fun in my 20’s. Mostly because I had good clean fun but sure, I drank. I refuse to pretend I never partied. It’s so silly for me to claim I’m perfect, so I don’t try.

That same day, a friend from college (whom I haven’t spoken to in years), slipped into my DM’s to warn me to post smarter because of my new big name employer. Full transparency - really cool dude, not a jerk, not sexist, not a frat child, all around really awesome human. Which is why I was shocked at his DM trying to tell me what kind of content I should or should not post on MY Instagram. 

I got this job because I’m good at what I do and because of who I am. The fact that I’ve been drunk in my 20’s hardly qualifies as shocking to my current employer. That however is not my issue.

When I started asking around to my girlfriends about their DM experiences with mansplaining - because honestly - women aren’t slipping into my DM’s telling me how to live my life - I found that it’s really common to have this happen. 

Thats really wild to me. That men or anyone really, feel that they have the right to tell anyone else how to live their lives. I’ve made it this far, it’s not by luck either.  I didn’t giggle my way through life and just happen to find my way to all the incredible opportunities I’ve had. Don’t insult me by having the audacity to tell me to be smart. 

I think I’m doing ok. Better than ok. Don’t remember you along the way putting in the elbow grease pal. 

The thing that shocks me further is what men are willing to comment on. Post a sarcastic quote about love? A man is sure to slip into the DM’s to tell you you’re so beautiful why are you so bitter? Share a feminist quote in your stories? Here’s Bob to tell you feminism is about hating men and do you really hate men? Post a selfie? Come on over Jim, please tell me how you think I’m much more attractive with less makeup or brown hair.  

Sincerely gentlemen, we don’t care. I’m not sure who taught you that we only have self worth if men validate everything we do, but it’s wrong. Every single day women live our lives really successfully without wondering if Kevin thinks my hair looks sexy today. We build businesses, raise children, I dare say it - we get dressed in the morning without input from you. We certainly don’t need your opinions on something as trivial as our social media.  

As a side dish to this - I actually get dressed up for me. Not you. Cool if you think I look good but it’s much more important to me that I think I look good. And if a woman compliments my style? That’s a bigger deal than if a man were to say so. 

I cant wait for the men to troll me for this one. But Ashley, not all men are bad. If you were less opinionated about things like this, more men would be interested in you. Fuck off bro. If I have to explain those to you, we’ve got bigger problems and I’d like to unsubscribe from that level of insanity. 

What I’ll say to stop all of this is - mind your own business. This one is for everyone - men and women. We all have bigger things to do than provide play by play commentary on everyone else’s lives.  

My life exists in a really dope place without your input. I promise, I’ll make it through each and everyday without your suggestions on how I could do it better. 

Instead of taking the time to issue an opinion on how someone else chooses to do anything, turn that effort back on your own world and what you’re doing so wrong that you think you have the authority to speak to anyone else’s life.  

Men. Women are having a moment. We are angry because you won’t shut up about how we are angry. We’ve spent a really long time being told to look, act, feel a certain way. And we got tired. Excuse us if we come off a bit harsh (or don’t, we don’t care), but we don’t owe you an explanation for why we think it’s absolutely insane you need to tell us anything about our own lives.  

Spend less time telling us how to exist and more time asking us how you can help us thrive.  We will thrive. Best to learn how to do so along side us. Otherwise, we will leave you in the dust. And get your own broom.