Diary of an Anxious Person, Part 328423

Prior to my recent commitment to therapy, I had in fact gone to therapy in the past. I had even gone on a semi regular basis at one point. But what I now know is that while you can physically go to therapy, unless you're willing to be truly open and honest, it doesn't mean anything.

So while I thought that I was working to find tools for managing my anxiety, I wasn't. I wasn't laying everything on the table and talking about past traumas nor opening up enough to really understand why I have anxiety and what triggers it.

More recently I've opened up to my therapist more than I ever have with anyone in life. And what I've begun to understand is that carrying my burdens on my own only makes my life harder. You cannot outrun your own story. Each experience shapes how you think, act, and feel. And until you start to talk about those things, you won't be able to control your own demons.

As a teenager and into my 20's, I was sick a lot. I was hospitalized, had multiple surgeries, and rarely felt healthy. That time was also when I experienced my greatest traumas and had my most unhealthy relationships. There's a link there I never took the time to understand. Doctors always told me my immune system was the problem. So I believed them. Realistically, what I was experiencing mentally was absolutely affecting how my body reacted physically.

There are numerous studies correlating mental and physical well being. It's not hippie voo doo philosophy, it's scientifically proven that what you think directly affects how your body feels. We see it in serious illnesses and we see it in mental illness. It's fact. Kind of like global warming folks. Stop pretending it's not a thing. It's a thing.

Back to me. The more I grow and take steps to manage my mental health, the more my physical health has responded. I used to get pneumonia/bronchitis every year without fail. The flu was something I experienced multiple times annually. Surgery used to be an annual tradition. I haven't had surgery since 2008. I just got pneumonia for the first time in probably 2 years. The flu? Don't know her. And I am a big believer that unburdening my past, trusting my therapist to help guide me with dealing with those things, has led my immune system to follow. I'm mentally healthier so I'm physically healthier too.

In fact - a month or so ago, when I was struggling with mental balance, I noticed my body was off too. I'm more in tune with this correlation so it's easier for me to adjust my self care to bring back more balance to my body.

For whatever reason, even when we are speaking with experts who's job it is to manage our mental and physical health, we lie. We hold back vital information. We are embarrassed to tell these professionals the entire truth. And that's absurd. Do you really think your doctor and your therapist haven't heard it all? Better yet, how do you expect to get a proper diagnoses with steps to healing if you're not being truthful about what you're going through? I get it, we all fear judgment. But we are all in that same boat. And we all have some weird times in our lives. The good news? Legally, these people have to keep your quirky behavior private. Even better news? Sharing all of that information with a professional, that literally relieves a huge weight from your chest.

I've had so many things to address with my therapist that I think I have held back less out of embarrassment and more out of pure exhaustion. I leave sessions emotionally and physically drained. It's not an easy process to be totally exposed with a stranger. The work and the pressure is entirely on me. She acts as a guide to take me to places I might never have gone to before, but it's 100% my responsibility to do the homework and take the steps to recovering and being healthier in the future.

I can't sugarcoat this part of therapy and living with mental illness. It feels like I haven't slept, ran a marathon, and have 48,000 more assignments to complete before tomorrow. The feeling doesn't pass easily. It doesn't lead me to some moment of clarity where the world gets easier and I'm cured. It's a roller coaster and it always will be. But you do start to notice that things get a little easier. And that your mood becomes more even. Anxiety becomes just a smidge more manageable. It is a quicker recovery when I do have moments of panic.

What I can say is without committing to this complete openness, I wouldn't be able to sustain a healthy life. I would continue becoming sick. I would not live a normal life. I quite frankly would grow worse and worse unless I finally took a stand and said all in or all out.

I understand mental illness is diverse and its not easy. Every story is different. Some harder than others. Some of us don't cope well. It's not your fault that you have this burden to bear.

It is however on you to take responsibility for it and to do everything you can to overcome.

We are all born with (as I like to call them) extra features. They are the pieces that might not be the highlight reel of our stories, but they are nevertheless part of who we are.

You don't get a pass because you're suffering from something. We are all going through something.

I encourage you to figure out what concoction of medicine, therapy, activity, etc that works for you. It's your responsibility to get out there and figure out what your perfect cocktail is and mix it. Nobody ever promised an easy life. The good news is, if you're dealt a difficult card, you've got the opportunity to make it easier.

The choice is yours sequins! Are you going to make excuses or build the tools to succeed?

Excess Baggage

A lot of the stigma surrounding mental health deals with the baggage we carry because of the journey we are on. It's entirely possible that by sharing these parts of me, I'm causing some people to choose to not engage with me. People who don't understand mental illness often don't want to deal with the extra energy that it can take to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety or depression or bi polar disorder.

Honestly, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm already a lot to deal with. I'm high energy, high expectations - I'm the definition of extra. My anxiety is the least of my concerns when it comes to what makes me a lot to invest in.

However, I can definitely see how suffering from a mental illness can make one self conscious when it comes to relationships. It is a little bit harder, a little bit more work to love someone who ebbs and flows. Who has unexplained anxiety. Irrational fears. Our stories are a bit more colorful.

I guess I look at it like this: my anxiety is a big part of who I am. While it does not control my life, it does accentuate it, and if someone doesn't get that part of me, they're not for me.

Certainly during times when I'm not managing my anxiety well I'm probably harder to love. For the most part, I'm actively engaged in managing my mental health and its not an issue. But my anxiety, the things that have happened to give me the anxiety, all of it makes me who I am. If you can't come to terms with embracing those pieces of me, you don't get to have the rest of me.

If you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from a mental illness, or you suffer from one yourself, the key to success is communication. Be open and transparent about what you are dealing with, what your triggers are, how you are working to manage, and how your partner can best support you.

What is never acceptable is to allow mental health to dictate the terms of your relationship. You cannot blame it for problems. You cannot use it as an excuse. And you cannot tolerate emotional or physical abuse because of it. These are always unacceptable.

Where you can accept it is when its a trigger or in a bad place. Understand that your partner is struggling and as long as they're working to control that, be a source of support. Continue to remind them they're wonderful and more than their mental illness. Encourage them to keep committed to treatment, whatever that looks like for them.

I get it, I come with extra baggage, but when you think about it, don't we all? I don't know a lot of people who come with a clean slate in a relationship. For some, it's trust issues. For others, it's insecurity. And for me, it's my anxiety. The point is, we all carry baggage. Mental illness just seems scarier because it's medical and has so much stigma surrounding it.

If I lose out on a partner because of it, that's the wrong partner for me. And if you lose out because of your baggage, that's not the right partner for you. We are all carrying around different size bags. It's about finding someone to help carry your bag for you. To me, a real partnership is sharing each other's bags and finding that it all evens out because of the teamwork we've committed to bring to the table.

Diary of An Anxious Person, Part 324832

I've avoided an anxiety update for some time now. In therapy I have been spending a lot of time exploring past trauma and understanding how that affects who I am now. And it's exhausting.

I never really understood the concept of emotional exhaustion. For me it has always been easy to push feelings aside and move forward. They have been within my control for as long as I can remember. Even the traumas in my life have been contained to parts of my brain that are locked away.

I'm not sure I've even been aware of the fact that talking about these traumas has caused me to feel them emotionally. I've oddly been able to talk about the trauma (with a very select group of people) in an almost scientific way. I can explain what happened without revealing any emotion. That hasn't changed.

What has changed is the linking of the trauma to the way I am now and the anxieties I allow to control me because of those traumas. I am more aware of why I act or react in certain situations because I'm talking with my therapist about them.

And even more, I'm remembering and revealing situations that were traumatic but that I had buried away. Things people have said to me, done to me, and have treated me that I had apparently simply stored away as a way to cope.

I am now seeing that my fear of small spaces, need to constantly be prepared for the worst (and formulate a plan of action) are a result of experiences in my past.

So when I'm anxious in an elevator, crowd, or near a stranger, I start to think of these traumas and understand why I'm feeling as anxious as I am. And it becomes a spiral. I start to reflect on being attacked or in an active shooter situation when I get those prickles of fear on my neck.

What I've learned is I've never truly talked about those traumas or how they made me feel. And because of that, my body created responses to protect itself. I'm living in a state of heightened awareness and worst case scenario because I've experienced worst case scenario.

But worst case scenario is in fact rare. However, when you store the feelings from those experiences in your brain instead of facing how they make you feel and deal with working through those feelings, you don't allow yourself to be realistic about them. So your body internalizes it and develops a reaction of fight or flight.

And when you constantly deal with situations where maybe you're verbally abused and don't face those abuses head on, you start to believe them. Instead of stopping them in their tracts and saying no, those are not true and not a reflection of me, you allow them to build.

I've got a good 32 years of trauma that I'm only now starting to explore the consequences of. And even dipping a small toe into that world has caused me to become exhausted. I become quiet. Overwhelmed. I shut down. Truly the only person I'm talking to about it all is my therapist. It leaves me drained after each session. But the hope is that I'll eventually learn to process and share these experiences and feelings with the people around me that are so important to my life.

I've shared parts of my trauma here but in all honesty, while I believe in transparency, I don't believe in sharing every piece of me in such a public space. Part of having the honor of keeping an inner circle is keeping certain things to just that circle. Not everyone gets to know me and who I am. I want those important to me to know that they're getting to know the private stories that make me who I am because of how important they are to me.

What that's all caused me to do is experience moments of depression that I haven't had to deal with for a really long time. And that scares me. At one point in my life, a very long time ago, I dealt with very serious depression. So serious that I wasn't sure I wanted to exist in the world anymore. Thankfully, I don't live in that world anymore. I believe in my value and enjoy living. Life, being alive, it's important to me, I love being here. But realizing I have been sad lately has scared me because of that past depression. I'm not even remotely living in a space that I once did. It's more a sadness than a true depression. And thankfully, I know the signs, the triggers and how to bounce back. I also think I have to face that sadness for the traumas in order to move past them. You can't process them without engaging in all the emotional spaces your brain needs to go in order to move on.

Side bar - admitting depression at that level is hard for me, even shameful. But it's a part of my story, a part of my growing and moving on, and it's something a lot of people deal with. I don't want to deny that part of my life, I want to let someone out there facing it know that even the sparkliest, most vivacious people in the world go through things. There's hope, it gets better, and you are worthy of joy.

If I'm scoring where I'm at right now, I'll go 5/10. I'm in a weird space. I find I'm sad sometimes and anxious more often than not. But I don't consider this a dangerous or negative time. I think it's an extremely overdue and necessary space to grow and become better equipped to manage anxiety/depression in the future. You've got to fight for the best parts of your life when you live with mental illness. Unless you're willing to go to the dark and ugly places, you don't ever get to experience the sparkliest and sunniest parts.

I think it's also important to say that just because I'm in a weird place doesn't mean I'm not living my best life. I'm thriving because I'm allowing myself to be in a weird space. I'm putting the effort into have a better tomorrow. And I'm brave enough to share the worst parts of my story because I won't allow them to define the best parts. You don't have to live in extremes of good and bad - you can be happy, confident, engaged, and thriving while still feeling some hard times. It's not a rule that you have to fit into certain boxes to be mentally healthy. It's ok to be equally happy and struggling. The most important thing is to be in tune with what those feelings are, how to manage the hard parts and highlight the good parts.

It's all a balance. It's all a constantly shifting see-saw. You're never going to exist wholly in the highs or lows. Having the tools to manage that see-saw is what matters and how you live the healthiest mental journey possible. Find comfort in knowing we all go dark and we all go light. The best most colorful people allow those times to exist. They sit in them and live in them as much as they can so that they understand how to maximize the world around them. You're not alone. you're not weird. You're you. And that's pretty damn cool.

Mental Health Spotlight: Suicide

Suicide has been in the news a lot lately. There have been quite a few high profile suicides of late that have really called attention to this serious mental health concern. I'd like to talk about it as I would any other mental health issue because I think our number one problem when it comes to mental health is a lack of conversation around the nitty gritty of it all. We spend a lot of time throwing around mental health, anxiety, depression, etc. but it can often still carry a stigma. I think unfortunately its also become a bit of a trendy thing for some people, making it harder for those of us truly suffering to get the help we need.

Let me start off by saying that if you truly suffer from a mental illness, it is not a trend. It is painful, confusing, embarrassing, and very personal. Please don't claim to suffer from a mental illness, diagnose yourself with anxiety, align yourself to depression unless you have sought a professional and really taken the time to understand what suffering from a mental illness is.  You wouldn't tell people you had cancer if you didn't, don't claim mental illness if you don't suffer from it. 

Suicide. It's not a cop out. Suicide is not glamorous. It is not always something you can predict. There are not always signs. It's not as easy as providing a number to call. Not everyone seeks professional help.

Like all mental illnesses, each story is different. Every single person experiences their mental health struggle differently. That's why there are so many treatment options and why it is so important to work with a professional to find what works for you. There are resources to assist with suicidal thoughts if you wish to use them. The key is, not everyone is willing to ask for help. Knowing there are phone numbers and websites and professionals dedicated to support, often even free support, is not always the answer for everyone.

So how do we help those who are silently suffering and can't or aren't willing to utilize the available resources? Talk. Everyone is fighting battles you probably know nothing about. That doesn't make you a bad friend or family member. It makes you human. But I do encourage you to check in with the people around you. 

Speaking from experience, whenever I'm feeling down or alone, I don't reach out for help. I'm not someone who typically feels comfortable relying on others. It took me a good 30 years of life to buy into therapy and psychiatry. I personally would never call a help line or look to a website if I were ever feeling very depressed. I remember being in my lowest point in life and truly believing I was alone and didn't matter. That I was absurd, dramatic, even a burden to those around me. Because I'm someone who is independent and easily able to keep myself together, people don't ask me how I'm doing. It is assumed that I am always sparkly, bubbly, and living my best life. 

When we hear of celebrities, athletes, or those close to us committing suicide, we are often shocked. You hear that there weren't signs or they never reached out for help. I'm thankful that I was able to pull myself out of my darkest time and I have found treatment and tools that work for me. Not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone can ask for help. This is why talking to the people around you is so important. Simply checking in and saying how are you doing, and meaning it, is potentially life saving. On top of talking to the people around you, pay attention to them and listen to what they're telling you. 

We are all dealing with our own struggles. It's hard to remember to check in on others. We're busy. Unfortunately, not being aware of the people around you isn't an option in this day and age. Suicide, gun violence, and abuse - are all too common now. We cannot afford to live in our own world if we want to make it a better place for ourselves and future generations.

Lastly, I'd like to provide resources simply because it's a disservice not to when addressing something so serious. 

1. Therapy - check with your insurance to find a professional in your network. Touch base with your HR as well, often times there are a few free sessions available to employees. For free or low cost therapy, please see the NAMI HelpLine.

2. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - (800) 273-8255 

3. Resources when you can't afford therapy: This is a cool Buzzfeed article from 2016 that gives support options. 

Life is hard for everyone. We all experience a lot of ups and downs at different stages. You're not alone. You're not less than. And you are worthy of existing in this world.