One of my favorite sports in life is a little game I like to call "Airporting." What is airporting you ask? It's the art of travel. It's the entire process of getting to the airport, checking in, getting through security, finding a place to get beverages and/or food, all up to the point that you get on the plane and the door shuts. Airporting. Make sense? Of course it does, you just didn't know there was a name for this extreme sport.
Let's break down this exhilarating sport from the perspective of a Los Angelino. Because LAX is the worst place to do Airporting at.
Getting to the Airport
In Los Angeles, you don't ask friends for a ride to LAX. It's not an airport that's a drivable distance to well, anywhere. One does not simply text a friend and ask to be dropped off at LAX. Getting to the airport is one of the most treacherous experiences in Los Angeles. I lived 11 miles to LAX. Even if there was "no traffic" (not a thing in LA), it took 35 minutes minimum to get to my destination. Now you can easily find inexpensive parking (again, in LA this means something different than say in Iowa) but it's preferable to be dropped off. So you're left with Uber or a car service. Super Shuttle (as so many other Americans use) is not an option in Los Angeles. There's no group shuttle that takes less than a few hours to get you to your destination. Uber is expensive during any prime time of day. Once it cost me $75 to go to LAX. 11 miles, $75. What kind of criminal rate is that? So realistically, you've got to look into a car service. If you're sneaky like I am, you research the least expensive (yet reliable, thanks Yelp!) service and then you google coupon codes. One time I got a round trip LAX car service for a total of $35 (incl. tip!). It was some magical Narnia service I found and I never found that deal again. And so thus, the vicious cycle of getting to the airport would continue.
Checking in for your flight
I realize a lot of people don't check bags. They do carry on and they have their boarding pass on their phone. They skip this whole ticket counter thing entirely and go straight to security. And certainly that's the smart way to airport. But then where are you packing your shoes? Where are your many outfit options? What pocket do you keep your magnum of bubbles in? I will never be a carry on player, it's just not the right fit for my lifestyle. So I tackle the check in counter. First, its dealing with the line, do you have your boarding pass and can get in the shorter line? Do you need full service and have to stand in the line that stretches up to the valley? After 3 months when you finally get to the counter - it's communicating with the ticket agent in a way they can understand and also sucking up to ensure whatever impossible thing you're going to ask for gets fulfilled. And then of course you take the 30 seconds to pray to the baggage Gods that your bag is under 50lbs and you don't owe the $100 excessive baggage fee. When they finally clear you after sweating your face off for 15 seconds while the bag is on the scale, you give one last shoutout to Jesus to ensure your bags make it to your destination. Boarding pass and ID in hand, take a deep breathe and head to security.
Clearing Security
Los Angeles is probably the most diverse city in the world. And thus its never a normal day at LAX security. I've seen someone attempt to run through the line and be tackled by police officers, I've seen drugs confiscated, fights break out, and one time I saw a girl wearing so little clothing airport security actually told her she wasn't allowed to fly in her current attire. So when you approach that security line, you need to be mentally ready for anything. You can't get distracted by the antics before you. You've got to stay laser focused to avoid getting cut in line and to maximize line breaks to get in the shortest lane for body scanning. Remember to smile, to be ready to remove your shoes, and know the exact number of bins you need for your items. Scan the people in front of you, do not get in line behind Sue Bob from Arkansas who hasn't ever flown in her life. She will ask 300 questions, she will take 6 days to get through the scanner and you will miss your flight. Also make sure you've gone through your purse, bag, pockets, everything so that you're not accidentally packing liquids and or weapons. I had a very unpleasant body search situation in Oklahoma once due to a wine opener. Smile, be efficient, make eye contact with TSA, and say thank you. This keeps things short, sweet, and off of a watch list.
The Well Deserved Beverage
You made it through security! You deserve 12 drinks. Well if you're flying Southwest at LAX, you now have to play what I like to call "I need alcohol and I need it now." There is one, YES ONE, place to get alcohol in this terminal. And of course when you arrive, all of the chairs are taken at the actual bar and if you're not eating they won't allow you a table (not that there are any tables because Sue bob and her family reunion of 27 are sitting at them all). What do you do? If you're female, you put on some lip gloss, make eye contact with the first guy who looks up and you beeline for his location. When he smiles you return his gesture and comment on how crowded it is. When he offers to give up his seat for you, politely but not firmly decline. When he insists you take that seat and thank him profusely. And then you talk about your boyfriend. And then he leaves and you have all the alcohols. Is it a dirty play? It might be. But it's the championship game and you came to win. Drink up because in 20 minutes you have to brave the jungle and board your plane.
Boarding
You won the beverage game and are sufficiently relaxed enough to brave the boarding area. The last stop before you get on your merry way is the most brutal quarter of the whole game. Remember, we are on Southwest where seating is open and carry on standards are nonexistent. First, you must find a seat in the general boarding area. After careful surveillance, dirty looks from people unnecessarily placing their bags on the seat next to them, and the sullen looking teenager with headphones on with their feet up on the only empty seat - you determine its necessary to approach someone and ask them to move their bag. Begrudgingly Samantha removes her Hermes bag as if its physically hurting her to do so and you've got a seat. You settle in for 10 minutes and 57 people have already linedup to board. 6 days later when the attendant announces its time to board, you make your way to your place in line as other people try to slyly view your pass and ensure you aren't cutting. Finally, you're on the plane and you've got to choose your seat for the net 1-4 hours. You were lucky and nabbed an aisle seat near the front and now have to play the don't make eye contact and pretend I have West Nile so that nobody attempts to sit with me game. 15 minutes, getting hit in the face 12 times by baggage, and praying to all God's you've ever heard of and boarding has concluded. You are now free to engage headphones, disengage interest, and order your free wine. Congratulations ladies and gentlemen, you have won airporting. Cheers to you and good luck doing it all over again in 2-3 days.